Nymphadora Tonks was walking by herself in a cemetery. If you had told her eighteen years ago where she would be, should would probably have called you a liar. Almost half of her face was scarred with faded burns that were inflicted on her while on a mission in Egypt almost sixteen years ago. There were other scars that she let stay on display, hexes and curses she had acquired for years as an auror. A streak of her hair was pink now, and it happened to be the regrown bangs she got when she lost some of her hair. The rest of her hair was a dull brown and she was actually okay with it for once. She hadn't worn her hair as anything but brown since the funeral. It was almost morbid to wear her hair pink to the memorial service, but that's what he had asked her to do.
This was her first time coming to the cemetery by herself. The sun was beating down heavy on her as she slowly approached a particularly gravestone, the weight of it sinking in her stomach. The ground was still brown and muddy from the burial. She had to carefully lower herself onto the ground, her hand resting on her middle as she eased herself onto her knees.
Remus John Lupin, March 15th, 1961-June 9th 2016
"Hi, Remus, it's me, Dor." She said softly. Tonks had to scoot herself forward, her hands resting in her lap. "I know that this... is a little weird." She turned around looking behind her. The cemetery was empty except for a man cutting grass on the other end of the yard. "I've not done anything like this before, so... I'm sorry if this is a little bit..." Her voice trailed off.
Husband of Nymphadora Tonks
"It's been about a week since Teddy moved all his stuff back into the house. He said he's sticking around for a bit now that school's out. I told him it's perfectly fine, of course. He and Victoire are going to find a place to live next year once she finishes school." She said out loud. "He was accepted to the auror academy, but he turned it down, actually. You know, twenty years and I still don't know what you would say to that if you were here. I don't know if you would be proud or disappointed. He... he said he needs to be home more for me and Elena. I think Arthur talked him into staying."
A loving father and generous teacher, he will be missed by all who knew him.
"Speaking of Lena, she's doing okay. Fleur and Bill invited her to come stay with the girls for a few days. I think they'd have fun, getting away from this mess. Not that you were a bother to us or anything, we always wanted what was best for you when it got close to the end." Tonks told him.
"Men at some time are masters of their fates; The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings."
"Remus, I'm sort of worried about her. I'm really worried about her. You were so right about her. She's mad at me right now and it's all my fault." Tonks was beginning to choke up on her tears. "I'm so sorry. It's all my fault. I should have talked to you before you got so sick and I didn't and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Tears were flowing heavy down her face. She hunched over, sobbing into her shirt.
Fleur had happily agreed to meet her that afternoon at one of their favourite cafes. It wasn't a nice enough day that they could sit outside together, so they stuck to a secluded table inside with the warmth and their tea. Immediately, she caught on that something was wrong with her. "Dora, is... is every-sing okay?" She asked, holding her friend's hand. "What's got you so upset?"
Tonks squeezed her hand and shook her head. "I... had a bad morning."
"What iz going on?" Fleur wondered. "Dora, you can talk to me."
"I know, it's just a mess at home right now. I just left Mungo's."
"Is Remus... Has Remus... iz he worsened?"
"No. He's not really changed." Tonks shook her head. "Two to twelve months, but we knew that." It didn't take long for word to spread, but everyone knew twelve was a stretch. He had made it through the January and February moons, but barely. He was still recovering. Tonks had practically quit work now. She spent most of her time making sure that whatever he couldn't do, she could pick up the slack. He couldn't hold his wand or silverware. He couldn't walk up stairs in one go. He could take showers, but not for long, or else the steam would choke him. There was no fast moving. Tonks had to be there. If anything went wrong, she couldn't leave Remus to handle it himself.
"Iz some-sing wrong with the kids? Iz Lena sick? Iz Teddy acting up again?" Fleur demanded worridly.
"I'm..." Tonks dropped her voice. Her eyes got teary. "No... it's... it's a long story..."
"Dora, love-"
"I know, it's annoying, but I can't talk about it." Tonks sighed and rubbed her face. "Fleur, I'm sorry, I just really need the company right now."
"Zat eez perfectly fine. Just... please tell me if zis is about Remus."
"It is, but it's not."
"Zen what eez it?"
Tonks paused. She contemplated this for a couple of minutes, silently, and Fleur patiently zipped her tea. "Fleur, I just came from Mungo's and they gave me some really bad news. Really, really bad."
"About Remus?"
"About me." She nodded. Then, she let out this detached laugh. Tonks sounded like she might actually burst into hysterics, or tears, soon enough. "But I can't talk about it."
"Yees, you can." Fleur coaxed. "You can talk about eet with me."
"I know, but if I do, then it kind of defeats the point." Tonks sighed. "It's hard to explain, I'm so sorry."
"No, no, it's okay. I just want 'ou to talk to me."
Tonks clenched her jaw. It took her a moment to spit it out. "Fleur, I thought I was in the early stages of dragon pox... or something else, I don't know. But I went because of Remus's weak immune system. I had to sleep on the couch last night because I got really nauseous, I had these killer migraines, and I was extremely dizzy and exhausted. I had to go, but Remus doesn't know I went because I couldn't let him get sick, and I couldn't tell him that I went, or he'll ask me what's wrong, and I-"
"Did zey say what was wrong with 'ou?" Fleur asked. "You sound az eef 'ou are working yourself to death."
Tonks's eyes got teary. "They... they said all my tests were clean and that I'm not sick. Then they... so it..."
Fleur became skeptical. "Dora?"
Tonks laughed. "Look, I don't know... about you and Bill, and that's all your business, but When Remus turned fifty, we stopped our... our birth control, right? I was thirty-seven, and we just thought, after that point... we thought that at the age you're less likely to get pregnant, and he was getting sicker, so it's not like we were... doing it a lot or anything, because he always feels like shit and it always makes me feel bad, but as it turns out, that's not how it works."
Fleur's eyes grew wide and she clasped her hand over her mouth. "Oh my god, Dora."
"We were wrong." Tonks smiled weakly. She looked completely and utterly terrified. She actually slammed her fiat on the table. "I guess we were really fucking wrong." Her arms snaked around her middle as she hunched over the table.
"You really look great for your age, 'owever. But isn't zis wonderful news, Dora? The kids vill be so excited to 'ave a baby brother or sister."
"Fleur, I don't know how to tell Remus."
"You've done eet before. Zis isn't like eet's your first baby."
"Remus isn't going to live another six months. Much less nine. Or twelve. He's not going to get to meet this baby, don't you get it?"
"Why iz zis so bad? Ze two of you vill be happy together for your last few months. You'll be happy and ven Remus... goes, and you vill have a part of 'im left behind. Three beautiful children together."
"This is going to rip him in half. I don't think I can tell him. But what if he does live another, say, twelve months. What if I don't tell him and we end up wasting our time together? The longer I don't tell him, the longer he has to find out, the more time wasted. I don't think I can do this. I don't know what to do or to say."
Fleur frowned. "I am... I'm sorry, Dora. I 'ave no idea what to tell 'ou."
Looking back, Tonks laughed to herself, tears still falling down her face. It wasn't funny when it happened, but they probably looked like a couple of clueless idiots. Tonks felt the most guilt at the fact that she had wound up pregnant several times before, she had rarely intended to be. Did that make her an awful parent? She was so ready to have an empty nest. She was ready to watch her kids grow up and move on. Despite not having been pregnant for sixteen years, she didn't want to be, simply because she was tired of it. Hell, she was in her forties! She wasn't supposed to be having babies, she was supposed to stop having babies! "I don't know if you remember that night. I only remember it because I thought what happened was funny. After the fact, you know?" The weight of her words sunk into her chest. She wanted to puke. "I told you once before you passed, but then... I had to erase your memory because... you didn't know how how to handle the news. And now, our sixteen year old daughter won't talk to me because she won't let it go that I didn't tell you before you died. I think that's the real reason Teddy's staying at home. He's trying to make it up for you right now."
The silence was haunting. She tried to imagine what he would say to her, going as far as to write an entire dialogue that he would have said.
"Dora, you need to talk to him and try and make things right so that he'll go to school. He can't stay and waste his opportunity. You can take care of yourself. I know you can, you did it, raising Teddy while you were pregnant and I was teaching."
Or alternatively,
"I can't believe you! You didn't tell me? And for what? To make yourself feel better? Dora, that's our child and I don't even deserve to know about them? Sure, I wasn't going to meet them, but why is that fair to me?"
Or maybe he wouldn't say anything at all.
The baby squirmed in her stomach. She didn't bother morphing away the small bump on her belly. The little spud was growing a lot now faster now, and so far, Tonks hadn't bothered telling many people. Fleur knew, of course, because there are always secrets you can't keep from your best friend. Fleur was who she consulted when she first learned the news and didn't know what to do. Elena And Teddy knew. Harry didn't know. Nor did Ginny, or Bill, or Charlie, or Molly, or Arthur, or even Andromeda. Her other best friend, Sparrow Dwight, who left being an auror just a few years back had no idea. She hadn't seen most of them since the funeral. It wasn't because she was particularly hiding the baby, but because since Remus died, she slept most of the time. She talked to Kingsley and flat out told him he would hear from her when he heard from her and she wasn't going to come to work so take her off payroll, but don't dare touch her desk. He didn't know what that meant, but Kingsley knew her well enough that she wouldn't take a leave of absence without good reason.
Was it bad that she had ugly thoughts every day about the baby? Was adoption something she was willing to consider? What if it just... ceased to exist inside of her, causing minimal pain to both of them? What if it was like the miscarriage she had all those years back? Why couldn't she have had that baby instead? They were happy then. They had a name picked out, Edalynn Hope Lupin. Tonks found herself thinking about little Edalynn a lot lately. She would be about seventeen, being the middle child of the existing two teenagers. Instead, Edalynn was off in the unknown with her father, or maybe since she hadn't been either baptized nor buried (not that either of those things particularly mattered in her culture, but maybe it was important to other cultures and that mattered), she seized to exist. Why couldn't this one seize to exist just the same? Would it break her heart? Absolutely. But just as she had wanted Remus to reassure her when she lost the other baby, maybe it's better this way.
"Remus," Tonks took a deep and shaky breath. She couldn't look at the fresh mound where his body had been laid. She was busy plucking up blades of grass by their roots. "I miss you. I feel like... since you died... maybe something inside of me died? That's what's so scary. I've... I've never actually considered killing myself, but sometimes I feel like there are these thoughts that I can't get rid of and I don't know what to do." This was the part in her internal dialogue when he would cut her off and call her out for being stupid. But the dead man didn't say much. "I'm sorry. I feel like I'd be such a disappointment to you if you could see me right now."
She hadn't brought flowers with her, but she used her wand to conjure up a small bouquet of white roses and lavender. This was the man who asked them not to wear black to his funeral, and although it was unspoken, he asked his wife to wear her hair bright pink. She never thought she would do it, but she decided once the unmorphable hair washed out more, she would dye her hair completely brown again. It wasn't something she had thought through yet, but she felt as if she should leave the pink hair behind. This felt like the beginning of something new and Tonks felt that maybe it was time to leave the pink hair behind
