Chapter 38 Black and White

Harry was confined to the hospital wing for the next three days. As promised, James was released that evening, and reluctantly he and Peter left Harry and Remus to rest once the sun finally set and curfew approached. Harry couldn't sleep. His injuries would not let him find a comfortable position, and when exhaustion finally pulled him under, it was to unsettled dreams filled with blood, fear, and betrayal. Once during the night, he heard Remus crying, his soft sobs loud in the silence of the darkened hospital wing. And Harry's anger simmered hotter.

On the morning of the fourth day since the full moon, Harry was finally released to go to class. Madame Pomphrey would have liked to keep him a few more days, but Harry had insisted. Remus had been released the morning after the Incident, as they began to refer to it, which left Harry alone. The others had all made it a point to visit Harry whenever they could, though. A few times they brought others—mainly Tonks and Marlene—and once all five Gryffindor girls had come as a group. Tonks had given Harry a very meaningful look that he'd chosen to ignore.

It wasn't until the classes resumed the week after Harry was released that he really began to see the damage Sirius's betrayal had caused. In class, they all acted like normal—though without Sirius's exacerbating influence, things were rather calmer than usual. But Severus refused to even look at Harry, and when he'd tried to talk to him during Potions, he'd been cursed at and threatened. Severus had even kicked Harry out of his brewing station, leaving him to partner with Peter instead. Severus was also far more hostile toward the rest of the Marauders than he'd been lately, and only the threat of expulsion and Harry's wand stayed his tongue.

But Severus's hostility was only to be expected, however much it hurt. Even Regulus turned cold when Harry had approached him in the library on Sunday, the day after his release. He wasn't outright hostile, but he acted as though Harry wasn't even there. And Harry, having suffered the same treatment from the Dursleys his entire childhood, couldn't think of a worse punishment from someone he'd begun to regard as a younger brother.

What hurt more, though, was seeing the other Marauders. James acted cheerful, but rage simmered behind his dark eyes. Peter at first had seemed unaffected, until Harry noticed how close he stuck to Remus, and the dark look he sent Sirius's empty bed in the dorm. And Remus…it was heartbreaking to watch. He wasn't even angry. Instead, he was resigned, and deeply hurt. He was the only one who couldn't summon a fake smile during class when James tried to pull off silly pranks or told a lame joke.

Harry couldn't even begin to make sense of his own feelings. He was furious and hurt and inexplicably on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop and for everything to fall apart. His friendship with the others was both stronger and more fragile than ever. They were bound together by a rubber band stretched to its limit that could snap at any moment. And he was terrified of what might happen to the person who snapped it by a careless word or thoughtless action. (And in the back of his mind, Harry couldn't help wondering: if this is how they acted at Sirius's betrayal, what would they do when they found out that Harry had been lying to them since the very day they met?)

With his emotions in such turmoil, Harry did what he did best—he buried them deep, locked them up tight behind solid Occlumency barriers, and carried on as normal.

But bottling something up like that only went so far. And they, all four of them, were equally guilty.

Oddly, they broke quietly. One by one.

Remus was first. Still unable to sleep comfortably, Harry had woken in the early hours before dawn the day after he was released from the infirmary. He lay in bed for a little longer, hoping to catch a few more hours of sleep. Then his ears caught the sound of soft, muffled sobs.

He lay still, trying to pinpoint whose they were. Then he realized there was only one person they could belong to. Harry was suddenly keenly reminded of all the times he had cried, before age 4 when he'd learned that no one would come, when he'd wished and hoped for someone to comfort him and tell him everything would be okay.

He wouldn't let Remus feel the same way.

Gritting his teeth because his side was still sore, Harry eased himself out of bed and limped over toward Remus's bed. The faint moonlight from the high window they'd forgotten to draw the curtains over lit the way.

Hesitantly, Harry sat on the edge of the mattress and put a hand on Remus's shoulder. He was shaking.

"Remus?" Harry breathed, knowing he'd be heard. "You okay?"

Remus gave a sort-of shrug but didn't answer. Harry hesitated a moment, then lay down behind Remus on the bed and lightly draped his arm around his friend. Remus grabbed Harry's forearm in a vice grip, squeezing with enough strength that Harry had to bite his tongue so as not to wince audibly. Instead, he squeezed back lightly and laid his head on the edge of Remus's pillow.

"Don't leave," came a broken whisper. "Don't leave me."

Harry swallowed hard and rested his forehead between Remus's shoulder blades. "I'm not going anywhere," he replied softly. He wasn't used to giving physical comfort, but Remus needed it. And maybe Harry did, too.

For a moment Remus just held tightly to Harry's arm, trembling with desperation. Then Remus dissolved into quiet sobs and Harry squeezed his eyes shut, tightening his arm around his friend. "I'm not going anywhere," he repeated even more quietly. "You're not alone." I'm not alone.

After a while, Remus cried himself back to sleep and Harry was left waging his own emotional war. The effort exhausted him, though, and finally Harry fell asleep, too.

James broke next, several days later. And so did Peter. After Potions that day, after enduring Severus's stream of hissing abuse, James said something that shocked everyone in the room.

"You're right, Snape," he snapped. "Blacks do belong in Slytherin. At least there you expect to be stabbed in the back. So when he gets back, you can have him."

Harry sucked in a breath and Remus gasped.

James stormed off, scowling. Everyone gaped openmouthed at either his retreating back or Severus's shocked face.

Peter, on the other hand, chased after James and shoved him against the wall by the lapels of his shirt. It might have been amusing, seeing James at nearly six feet being pinned by Peter at barely 5'7." Except for the furious expression on Peter's face.

"Don't you dare say that again," he growled. "Traitor he may be, but Sirius was still one of us. You don't get to throw him away like that."

James glared. "And what are you going to do about it?" he taunted. "Are you going to curse me or something?"

Peter glared back unflinchingly. "If I did, at least I'd do it to your face, instead of betraying him back and throwing him to the snakes before giving him a chance to explain himself." Then he stormed off and disappeared around a corner.

James looked as though he'd been struck. He turned to Harry and Remus, his eyes unnaturally bright behind his glasses. Slughorn hurried everyone else along after seeing he didn't need to interfere. Severus sneered at the Gryffindors as he passed, but they ignored him.

"Wh—I don't understand." James's voice cracked. "Shouldn't he be with other traitors like him?" The anger in his voice was forced.

"It's not that simple, James," Remus said quietly.

"I'm furious, too," Harry said frankly. "But that doesn't mean I don't want him back. He screwed up. Royally. Of course I'm furious. But he's still my friend. The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters." Harry blinked hard, then stared at James straight in the eyes. "We all have light and dark inside us. It's which one we choose to act on that make us who we are."

James shook his head, his eyes reddening. "But that—I don't—" his voice cracked again. "If any one of us could be dark, then what are we fighting for?"

"For the possibility of light to prevail."

All three boys spun in surprise to see a familiar redhead standing awkwardly nearby. Tonks stood behind her, a strained smile on her face as Harry spotted her.

"Lily?"

Lily smiled sheepishly. "I…didn't mean to eavesdrop. I had to go back for something, and…I couldn't help but overhear."

"Lily…"

Lily's lip twitched. "That's Evans to you, Potter."

"She's right, you know," Tonks put in with a shrug. "None of us is all light or all dark. Sometimes we mess up and choose dark instead of light, or we get confused on which is which. But we're Gryffindors. We're loyal to our own, and we forgive and give second chances to those who wrong us because that's the right thing to do. Be mad as long as you like, but don't write him off because of one mistake. Hope that the light is stronger than the dark."

James still looked troubled. Remus had averted his eyes, clearly upset at the reminder of Sirius's betrayal. Harry bit his lip.

"I don't know if I can," James admitted quietly. "He betrayed Remus. If I hadn't gotten there in time, Remus might have been—"

Remus elbowed James in the ribs, his eyes wide and fearful. James clamped his mouth shut and gave him an apologetic look.

"Give it time," Tonks said, putting a hand on James's shoulder. And on Harry's. She squeezed lightly and Harry bit his lip harder. "He's not due back for another week. That gives you plenty of time to figure it out."

"Jos…" James trailed off. Tonks's lips twitched at the use of Harry's nickname. James finally summoned a smile. "Thanks."

"You all had better hurry, or you'll be late for Transfiguration," Lily pointed out matter-of-factly. "And it will be your fault if I'm late," she added with the faintest of smiles. Then she hurried off with a wave.

"She's right. We need to hurry," Remus said quietly. James nodded and they both started away. Harry made to follow, but Tonks's hand tightened on his shoulder, pinning him in place. Harry grimaced.

"Go on without us. We'll catch up," Tonks said cheerfully.

James and Remus both nodded and hurried after Lily.

Once they'd rounded the corner, Tonks turned to Harry without letting go of his shoulder. "I am your sister, right?" she demanded.

"In all but blood," Harry replied. Tonks's hand tightened painfully on his shoulder.

"Then why can't you trust me?"

"I do trust—"

Tonks glared at him. "Then why did I have to find out what happened between you all and Sirius from Peter of all people? We barely even talk, but he decided—correctly, it seems—that you would never explain your extended stay in the hospital yourself."

Harry opened his mouth, then looked away. "I didn't want you to worry," he muttered.

"I'm your older sister; it's my job to worry about you." Tonks sighed heavily. "And this is my cousin we're talking about," she reminded him firmly. "I love him just as much as you do. So quit thinking you have to take all this on by yourself. I'd have thought I'd made that clear already, but I guess not."

Harry cringed. "I know it in my head. But I never had anyone to depend on until you. I'm not used to asking for help."

"Well, get used to it or I'm going to become the nosiest, most overprotective, and most annoying sister you've ever had," Tonks said frankly.

Harry's lips quirked. "You're the only sister I've ever had."

Tonks swatted him lightly on the head. "And don't you forget it. Now come on; we're already late."

Sirius returned a week later without fanfare. He slipped in after dinner almost two weeks to the day since his departure, quiet and withdrawn. He didn't speak a word to anyone as he skirted the outside of the crowded common room and returned to the 6th year boys' dorm.

Harry saw him just before he went up the stairs, and his simmering anger nearly overflowed. But James got there first.

Seeing Sirius at the same time Harry had, James stormed up the stairs. A door slammed upstairs and the common room went dead silent. A moment later everyone in the common room could hear James shouting. Half the students looked to the remaining Marauders as though asking them to interfere. Remus shrank down into his seat while Peter glared at his essay, his quill bending nearly in half in his grip. Harry was frozen, listening to the shouting from their dorm and wondering if they would ever be able repair this rift.

A door slammed again and James came storming down the stairs, his face red with anger. He blew right past the rest of the Marauders and out the portrait hole. Everyone cringed as he slammed it shut behind him.

Remus and Peter looked straight at Harry.

"What the hell do you expect me to do?"

"Honestly…I thought you would be the one to shout at Sirius first," Peter said.

"Do you want me to? Because I have a few choice words for him, too," Harry growled.

"I'll go after James," Remus said quietly. He put his essay down and left the common room quietly.

Peter kept looking at Harry. Harry scowled. "Fine. I'm going."

Still scowling, Harry headed upstairs. He tried very hard not to stomp his feet on each step. Then he threw the door open—and froze.

Sirius turned in surprise, halfway through undressing. His shirt was still in his hands and his back was bare. And immediately Harry's anger vanished in the face of the new welts on Sirius's back.

Sirius turned away. "Here to shout at me, too? Are you also going to tell me I deserved it?"

"He didn't." The anger started burning again, this time directed at James.

"He did. Told me a 'traitorous coward' like me 'deserved' to be punished, and that he was glad someone taught me a lesson."

Harry gritted his teeth. "No one deserves to be whipped like a misbehaving animal. No matter what they've done."

Hesitantly, Sirius turned back toward Harry, his eyes bright. "You're not mad?"

"I'm furious," Harry snarled, and Sirius flinched. "But you've already been yelled at tonight," Harry continued. "You don't need me rubbing salt in the wound." He took a deep, deep breath and let it out very, very slowly. "Sit down. I'll heal those for you."

Hesitantly, Sirius sat. Harry crouched and started digging through his trunk for his dittany salve. It was more than half empty, thanks to Harry using it on his own injuries from the night of the Incident (Madame Pomphrey was good, but even she could only do so much with wounds inflicted by a werewolf's claws). But there should be enough to at least start Sirius's back healing.

Taking another deep breath, Harry took the jar of salve and sat beside Sirius on the edge of his bed. Forcing his hands to stop shaking with anger, Harry carefully massaged the healing salve onto the worst of Sirius's injuries. He had clearly been whipped, just like over Christmas. And guilt washed over Harry as he realized he hadn't even given Sirius's well-being a second thought while he'd been gone. Yes, he was furious, but despite what Sirius had done, he hadn't deserved to be subjected to his mother's torture yet again, when he'd only just escaped the last time.

It didn't take long for Harry to realize Sirius was crying. He was silent, but he was trembling, his shoulders shaking with barely suppressed sobs.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

Rather than be moved by Sirius's apology, though, Harry tensed. He finished rubbing the salve in a bit rougher than usual.

"Saying sorry isn't enough," Harry said frankly, but quietly. "Don't get me wrong; I'm still furious about what you did. But for now, until you can take it, I'll leave it be."

Sirius turned back to Harry with wide eyes. "What do you mean, until I can take it?"

Harry deliberately poked one of the cuts on Sirius's back. He winced. Harry stared at him pointedly. "You betrayed us, Sirius. That doesn't go away just because you came back all beat up. I'll be nice for now, until you remember that your mum's a bitch and nothing she says is true. Then you can hear what I have to say to you."

Sirius stared back defiantly, though the tears on his face made it rather unconvincing. "I can take it now."

"No, you can't. Shut up and go to bed." Harry got to his feet, screwed the lid back onto the nearly-empty jar of dittany, then left the dorm.

Instead of return to the common room, though, Harry stopped in the communal bathroom at the base of the stairs to wash the salve off his hands and get a handle on his emotions. He was torn. He was angry at James for attacking Sirius while he was vulnerable, and saying he deserved the beating he got. But he was also still furious with Sirius, but that fury took a backseat when he realized how much Sirius must have endured during his suspension.

Growling, Harry spun and punched the stone wall. The rough stone tore his skin and he may have fractured knuckle or two. But Harry didn't care. He punched the wall again, hissing as he definitely cracked a bone. Then he stormed out into the common room.

Remus and James weren't back yet, but Peter looked up as Harry approached. "I didn't hear any shouting," he observed.

"Because I didn't yell at him. I couldn't." Harry dropped onto the floor beside the table and waved his wand over his broken hand. He cringed as the bone in his knuckle knit back together and the scrapes healed over.

"Did you punch him, at least?"

Harry's mouth twisted into a wry smile. "No. I punched a wall." Then the anger and frustration simmered out, leaving Harry feeling exhausted. "Can we talk about this some other time? I really need to get this essay done."

Peter gave Harry a searching look, then nodded. Harry dragged his work onto the floor beside him. He scanned his Charms essay to remember where he'd left off, then flipped a book open to the right page and started writing again.

James and Remus returned a while later. Remus, for once, looked properly angry. James looked suitably chastised, but not without lingering resentment. Neither of them spoke the rest of the evening, focusing on their work instead. Peter and Harry also remained silent, though the common room around them erupted into whispers.