Chapter Two:
Oh no, I thought. No-no-no-no-no!
I had stepped out onto the backstreets with my school case in hand. On a sunny but nippy April morning, it seemed like a lucky day for me. I was more confident with my brilliant plan to fix my mistakes from the day before. All I needed to do then was let everything fall into place.
But I just had to have spotted the two classmates from the last evening walking around the intersecting corner.
What're they doing here? How can they live in the same neighborhood as me? I'm supposed to be incognito until they forget about yesterday!
"Oh," the brown-haired guy said. "Misuzu-san, isn't it?"
The two of them stopped, and my body went rigid. When the "giant" called out to me again, the guy with the ocean eyes looked straight at me. My next option was made clear, like all the other problems I've ever had in my life.
Run awaaaay!*
On clumsy feet, I made my escape. The pure adrenaline running through my veins wasn't the perfect combination with my empty, lurching stomach. And I didn't get any good sleep to top it off. It was no wonder that I didn't heave on the sidewalk. But I had to force myself to keep going. In my head, I wanted to scold myself for having thought of that stupid idea. I stuck with my cop-out plan, and once again, my plans came crashing down.
What was I doing? They won't be able to see me as anyone sane enough to talk to. At that point, not even I would want to befriend me when I got jumpy all the time. But when those eyes, his eyes, fell on me, I wasn't sure about anything.
Somehow I made it to class without my stomach causing me trouble. Avoiding the boys, I kept my eyes on my notebook and tried to concentrate on the teacher. No one was paying attention to me, not even Mueller, while she was busy gracefully writing notes. A lull had fallen over the classroom as mid-morning Calculus continued. For a second, I believed that it was a chance for me to relax. My anxiety still curled around in my gut, so I took a moment to breathe in and out.
Before I could finish, the urge to sneeze took over. I didn't even have time to grab my handkerchief. In a blink of an eye, it came-and I braced myself.
The teacher lifted his head from his textbook.
"A cat? What's a cat doing in my classroom?" he suddenly demanded.
Someone in front of me ducked his head to cover up a chuckle. My ears rang; pulse thrummed in my arms. My whole body could've combusted with the humiliation.
"Hey, I know I heard it-Don't deny it! Who's the one who snuck their pet in?" the teacher said. "Speak up now!"
Quickly, rocking on my feet, I rose and folded over in apology. "I'm sorry, sir. It was me, b-but I sn-sneezed..."
"Eh? A sneeze?"
My classmates erupted into laughter. I stayed bent as tears threatened to surface. Squeezing my eyes shut, I waited for the teacher to tell me to sit back down and finally end the torture.
"We should start calling her 'Nyan-zu,'" said a guy from two seats down. "It matches her so well, no?"
Suddenly, a hand clapped the desk next to me. Everyone and I jumped at Mueller, who barked out a deep sneeze.
"Oh, excuse me," Mueller said with her eyes trained on the guy. "Seems like allergies are just wild out here.
"Let's get back to the class, then, please?"
Even though the guy blushed and whispered to his friend about "the Amazon" looking his way, I wasn't sure if Mueller's attitude was for him to take lightly. A dark mood sat around her that would have had me quaking if I wasn't already preoccupied.
Finally, I was allowed to sit back down in time for Calculus to continue.
Peeking over, I noticed Mueller glancing my way and giving a secretive wink. I stopped. She went back to taking notes, as I tried to unsuccessfully.
I couldn't understand. Why wink?
Deep down, I suspected it to be a good sign, even though I wasn't used to someone sticking up for me. Mueller didn't seem to be a snooty person wanting to rub people's weaknesses in their faces. She was perfect. During gym class afterward, my classmate jumped over every obstacle and landed with a flip. And later, she spoke in English and Japanese so fluently. She was humble and kept a smile on her face. Her reputation was already above and beyond for our first week of school. She was getting along so well in this small Japanese high school. And for a gaijin, she was nearly revered by all of our classmates. I think that was what was necessary for her to feel more welcome in Japan. She needed friendly faces and invitations to eat lunch with others and numbers to text afterward. She deserved friends, not someone who would screw everything up for her blossoming reputation.
So there was no need for her to go out of her way for someone like me...
On the way home, my mind was buzzing with too many thoughts. I couldn't believe I'd managed to ruin my chances of a good reputation in a single day. My whole body ached from the stress. It was a surprise that my legs could still carry me down the sidewalk. With no cars whizzing past me, my thoughts traveled far down the road, practically into space. Unfortunately.
I needed a "wake-up call." A sign. Anything! At that point, I couldn't figure out how to cope. If high school was continually going to be a routine of balancing on a social tight rope, giving up seemed to be the only option. There didn't seem to be an end to my mistakes, my bad luck of destroying every chance I had at fitting in.
Maybe...I couldn't.
Maybe I shouldn't have ignored my parents' warnings.
Maybe it was a better idea for me to go to cram school in the late evenings. That way, I didn't have to talk to anyone but the teachers, and I could still be in a public place to..."rehabilitate," as they called it.
A knot formed in my chest. Everyone my age had a carefree life to live while we were still in high school. They borrowed books from the library; they did homework; they made friends at school. All of that looked so easy from the outside. It "looked" easy. But it ended at that. Nothing was simple for teenagers, or, at least, for some like me. Talking to others is so foreign a concept when I'd spent most of my time crying in grade school and escaping into daydreams-avoiding others in junior high. So what made me think it would be a cinch to tackle a hurdle I should've prepared for since the beginning?
There came a sound of sloshing and whooshing that made me freeze. I found myself on the sidewalk of Takesou*, right where the shoreline met the water. An intense feeling hit me so hard I had no time to think. It was a strange mixture of anxiety and fear stirring inside me, but I'd known it for too long. I was familiar with the tingling of my skin that came with it, my ears once again ringing. Everything in me was on high alert. And my feet were still stuck on the concrete. I couldn't even turn my head away from the expansive blue.
My breath caught my throat.
Please don't let this be a panic attack in public! I begged internally.
"Misuzu-san?"
A squeaky scream left me. The person behind me jumped back. I didn't know what I was ready to do with my arms out, but then I realized who was with me. And I immediately wanted to die.
"W-Wait! Please don't run away again!" said the "giant." "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you-eh? Are you okay?"
"I-I-I-"
A tickle went down my cheek, and I rubbed at it. On my fingers was a string of tears. My face went red when I put it all together.
"Would you like to sit down?" he asked.
I shook my head. "N-no, no, I-I-I...I'm sorry. Please don't mind me."
"Oh, no, you don't have to apologize.
"Uh, actually, Haru and I are walking home, and were wondering if you were, too."
Huh? 'Haru'?
I looked over at the silent one. "Haru' didn't look at all curious about me. If anything, he was more irritated to be standing by, waiting for his friend to get done talking to me.
"Oops, sorry. We weren't properly introduced. This my friend Nanase Haruka, and my name is Tachibana Makoto," the giant, now Tachibana said. "When we saw you in the neighborhood, we figured to introduce ourselves since we live in the same neighborhood."
Nanase had an attitude about him that seemed to say, "Speak for yourself." I didn't blame him for not sharing the same feelings as his friend.
"I-That's very generous of you, Tachibana-san," I said. "But..."
"' But'?"
"R-Really...you-you don't have to mind me. It wouldn't be proper after...today..."
"I'm not sure I follow, Misuzu-san."
I stopped. Was Tachibana not paying attention to everyone that morning, or did he want me actually to say it?
"I'm not sure if you or Nanase-san would want to be associated with someone like me." My cheeks were flaming as I said the obvious. It was almost a little insulting to have me spell it out for him.
"Eh?" Tachibana exclaimed, but then scratched at his jaw in thought. "Er...What makes you say that?"
"I-"
"If you don't want to walk with us, then just say so," Nanase said suddenly. "Otherwise, forget about the little things and come with us."
"H-Haru-!" stammered his friend.
On any other day, I would've tried to run away a third time. But I must've been too vulnerable and intimidated because I peeked up at him and answered, "O-Okay."
"Are you sure?" Tachibana asked. "You don't have to at this point."
Remembering myself, I blushed and nodded. "I-I won't get in you-your way. But I'll f-follow..."
I took to his other side when Tachibana began a conversation to lighten the mood. It was weird having someone be so inviting and want to talk to me, even when my initial impression of him wasn't the best. That quickly changed when I felt a kindness like Mueller's seem to ebb around him. On our short walk together, I relaxed, felt myself even smile.
But a niggling thought in the back of my head brought me back down to reality: He was only doing it for a weak person like me to feel comfortable. It was hard to accept that with the little dignity and pride I had left, but Nanase's indifference seemed to seal it in my mind. We weren't exactly on good or bad terms, but his focus was on the water as we walked. Not on me, trying to be polite like his friend, but being brutally honest. It made me realize, finally, before I went to sleep that night, that I was where Nanase was drawn to: between the shoreline and the sand. At the edge of where I had always been in life and where I needed to be.
And where I needed to was still out of reach.
The next afternoon, I dared to eat lunch with Mueller and Ella. But as I ate, Mueller and Ella broke out with serious faces. I stopped chewing, not knowing what to say to our little stare-down.
"Kasumi-chan?" Ella asked.
"Y-yes...?" I answered hesitantly.
"Join us!"
What is this? A cult?! I thought those only last until junior high?!
"Sorry, Misuzu-chan," Mueller said. "What Ella wants to ask is if you're interested in starting a club with us?"
"O-oh," I said, releasing a breath. "That sounds fun. What-what kind of club is it...?"
"A swim club!" Ella cut in. "One that's better than Hazuki's!"
My everything clenched at the word "swim." Of all the clubs they wanted to revive, it had to be that one. With diving, and floating-and water! My appetite vanished in the wake of anxious stomach cramps.
"C' mon, Kasumi-chan!" Ella said. "It won't be much work to do with another person. Cleaning the pool will go by quickly, then we'll be splashing around! It'll be great!"
No! The peer pressure lands a critical hit! Must retreat! I thought. What's a good excuse to get me out of this? I could run to the nurse's-
Ella looked at me with such a determined and pleading look. At that point, I had to weigh my options. If I'd said no, she might stop eating with me out of anger. But if I were to say "yes"...I didn't want to think of what they'd do once they found out I couldn't swim.
My thoughts spun so out of control that I started seeing stars.
"Don't worry about answering now, Misuzu-san," Mueller said. "If you happen to have any other clubs in mind, don't feel obligated to accept our offer."
"Mueller-san..."
She smiled before Kou entered the conversation, leaving me mostly to my thoughts.
How could I have forgotten about clubs? They were another critical hurdle in surviving high school. Social status came with what kind of interests you had and also determined how many friends you could make by graduation-or, so my reading taught me. And I could foretell that I wasn't going to be popular. Why? Because my hobbies didn't fall for what was in. And my grades wouldn't be good enough so far for the elite clubs like art or science-even the Mathletes would be fickle enough to laugh at my application. The Reading Club would see right through me since I'd only ever read light novels and manga (plus, the people there had a reputation of being...eccentric*).
But a sports club...?
I looked down at my limbs, peeking out of my uniform; little legs, skinny arms, and no muscle. It'd take a miracle to build some over what was once pudge and flab. No-athletics clubs were out.
But I can't be a N.E.E.T., either, I thought. People will talk about "Nyanzu the closet otaku" for sure.
The dilemma of clubs still stuck with me even at the end of the day. I saw posters advertising the usual picks, and also one involving napping and the East*. My little legs carried me out of the school building before I had time to process what kind of activities the latter did.
Meeting up with Tachibana and Nanase, the three of us walked the usual way home. Tachibana's kind demeanor put me at ease. I'd almost forgotten about clubs until he asked me, "Ah, Misuzu-san, have you seen any of the club posters in the hallways? There are some interesting ones on the boards. The art club never disappoints."
With a nervous sweat, I answered, "Y-Yeah, I-I did. They are kind-kind of inter-interesting. Have-have you signed up for any of them?"
"Well, actually, an old friend of ours convinced us to start a club with him. Right now, we're trying to recruit members and clean the pool at the same time."
"' P-pool'?"
Tachibana laughed. "Yeah. All of us were big on swimming in our earlier years, and it seemed right to recreate the team with all of us reunited."
I tried for a smile. It had to be a coincidence that I was surrounded by people that were polar opposite to me. They liked swimming enough to make up a team and all? Really? How was I becoming close with the very people I couldn't understand?!
My eyes wandered from the car I was tempted to jump in front of then over to Nanase. My classmate only spooked me further. His gaze was still forward, but at the mention of water, his features brightened like a good memory came back to him. I was alone in my fight for sanity.
"How about you?" Tachibana asked. "Anything in mind?"
"W-What?"
"Clubs, I mean."
In all honesty, there was no use of coming up with excuses in front of him. Tachibana seemed to be an understanding person, so I said, "I...don't know. There's so many..."
"Ah, you may be right. Too many choices can be overwhelming."
I smiled. Tachibana is definitely on my side!
"I hope you can find something in time. The teachers have been pushing for club participation, so I'd hate to see you being called to the staff room about it."
All hope is lost!
I deflated with a sigh. Not even seeking out help was going to get me anywhere. What was I going to do in a week before the teacher's attention would fall on me? I was already in the limelight.
"Don't take it so seriously," Nanase said out of the blue. "If there's something you want to do, then do it. Otherwise, don't listen to them."
Nanase glanced my way for a moment. A shiver went down my spine. Yet this time, there was a calmness about him that made me pause. It was bizarre for me because-well, it goes without saying, but the way he watched me was soothing. The rapid heartbeat in my chest slowed, and a breath slowly released that I didn't know was stuck there. When my classmate went back to watching the sidewalk, my skin tingled with that weird sense of clarity.
"I'm not exactly sure if that's the right kind of advice for her, Haru," Tachibana told Nanase. "Not picking a club doesn't rub some teachers the right way, you know."
Nanase didn't respond as if he were going to stand by his word.
I made it home soon after, waving goodbye to the boys before stealing away into my room. Sitting at my desk, I filled in notes and worked on homework with little success. The Math textbooks, my pencil case, even my eraser just screamed "school." And school shifted my thoughts back to clubs.
My head flopped onto the desk with a thump.
"What do I do?" I said aloud.
What was I going to do? There had to be a club. Ms. Amakata was expecting me to make up my mind. I could feel panic start to twist in my stomach and a headache form at the top of my head.
"If there's something you want to do, then do it."
It took a moment, but I finally asked myself that great question: Is there something I want to do? Like, a goal I had in mind since starting school? Other than being an average person?
My stomach made a low growl, reminding me that lunch wasn't enough to hold me the rest of the night. With no concentration, I tried to think of what was in the fridge to sit on my anxious stomach. Something comforting that could at least sit with me through math problems. Ooh-something sweet! Like my cook-
Suddenly, it hit me like a truck. How could I have forgotten about my other hobby?
Jumping out of my seat, I flew down the steps and into the kitchen. With Mom still at work and not in the way, I opened my corner cabinet and took out all the supplies. I was relieved to find I had enough chocolate chips to make some simple cookies.
What could be a better way of working off the stress than baking sweets?
...
Oh!
I skipped outside the next morning to the intersecting corner. Tachibana and Nanase were already there, and as usual, I took to our taller classmate's side. Nanase stayed silent, unsurprisingly. He still avoided making eye contact, but whether it was my good mood or not, I sensed that he was less "purposely silent" around me. It was a comforting thought that only thrilled me more. Maybe, in a week or two more, he'd warm up to talking to me.
A~and maybe in a week or two, I'll be comfortable in school when I am in-the Baking Club! I thought.
I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it before. After that perfect idea dawned on me the night before, I went to work with my master plan. I remembered seeing their advertisements asking for new members and some other girls in class whispering about it. Supposedly, they even gave lessons to beginners during after hours. This club was my golden ticket into a paradise made of chocolates and sweets!* I could get over my stumbling in speech when it was nothing but girls baking with me. And I could also avoid the fate of N.E.E.T. -because baking was cutesy and rational in the eyes of teenage society. Plus-I get to eat my sweets! Everything was falling into place. Finally, I could look forward to something outside of my house!
The morning passed by in a blink, and by lunchtime, I sat with my group on the rooftop. They were all as giddy as I'd felt, chittering about clubs and cleaning the pool.
Then Ella turned to me and asked, "So, Kasumi-chan, have you thought about our club yet?"
Internally, I cursed my clumsy memory. I'd forgotten the girls' offer, and there it was that I'd had them hanging onto my answer only to hear me turn them down. With a feeling of pre-rejection jitters, I faced my fate.
"I-I-"
"You didn't forget, did you?" asked Ella.
"N-no! I mean-I didn't mean to-I-er..."
"O-kay...So, what do you think?" she prodded.
"What-what do I think?" I asked. I paused, somehow flabbergasted that she was being so patient with me. If she were really in a good mood, it would've been easy to come clean, but it wasn't like we were as close as kids. It could've been a fluke. I couldn't take the chance of coming clean with blunt words when my jitters were already taking over. I'd only ruin the situation more. So I had to use my wit.
"I mean...I-I think starting up a club sou-sounds great!" I said, trying to sound oblique. "The sc-school board would-would like for us to take interest in-in clubs...umm.."
"So...You're interested?"
Well, the club is "interesting" in a way, but maybe not the kind I'd prefer. "I-It's definitely 'interesting'!"
Ella gave a wide grin. "I'm so glad you feel that way. I can't wait for you to meet up with us tomorrow!"
"Yeah, me too-What?"
"Our next club meeting is tomorrow. We're almost done with the pool, so we should all get together to celebrate then, newbie!"
"Well, that settles it, then!" said Mueller. "We have the necessary members together! We can finally get somewhere with an actual team!"
"We did it!" Kou and the others exclaimed.
The girls went to give the news to the boys at the opposite end of the rooftop. My bento sat on my lap, untouched, as I plastered a smile on my face for them. Like a chameleon, I blended into the atmosphere of the group. But inside, I had half a mind to toss my worthless, gutless self off the roof.
After school, I found my way home and flopped onto my desk chair. The horrible memory of my day replayed in my head as I closed my eyes. How could I have thought to twist my words around and assume it would turn out okay?! I was so stupid! This incident would crown over all the mistakes I'd ever made in my life. On top of that, there was no way I could take it back, no matter how willing I was to eat my own words. Now I had other people counting on me to pull through with my end of the club-the team...
A swim club. Just hearing it echo in my head made my heart anxiously flutter. I knew I was still trying my best when walking on the boardwalk...but swimming competitively-against people that were more experienced-more courageous than I was? Not even a fake pep talk would bring me back from the devastation. There was nothing good at that point in my major screw-up.
A groaning sigh left me. Leaning back, I tried to think about something else, something that wouldn't give me stomach aches.
There was the seasonal anime coming out-No. Most of them are about schoolgirls, so that's out.
There's the weekly "Jumpu"-no, that's next week...
White-hot pain built behind my closed eyelids. Balling my fists, I could feel that form of frustration building up and up so much it needed to be released. It wasn't for anyone I knew, but rather, for a "something". That "something" was the cause of all this. It was the source of my mistakes, my weakness. My ball and chain that followed me everywhere I went.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I threw on a jacket and raced out the door.
When I made it to the boardwalk, I threw my shoes to the side and planted my feet into the sand. My heart was racing so much that my chest hurt; everything was chaos inside. Anger and fear were fighting for control. I was overflowing...but when I stared at the waves, my breath couldn't leave me. My body felt like sinking into the sand.
My lips pursed into my frown.
I forced one foot forward. The waves lapped against the shore in response.
So my feet marched forward — one more step for each lap.
One after another.
And another.
The waves ripped forward, and I kept my eyes trained ahead. I wouldn't let it take control as it'd done before. My anger, my frustration were churning inside once more, gifting me some sort of bravery I hadn't had before. Things were taking a different form in my sight. I'd blamed myself for far too long and for all the wrong reasons. It wasn't my fault! It couldn't be! My life was teetering on the edge of doom because of the ocean. It was the ocean's fault! It took away my hopes, my childhood, my old friends, my chances of a future-all because it held me captive!
"I won't let you-"I began to rage.
And then the ocean waves tickled my toes. The feeling alone was just... wrong. It was like some monster grazed me with a chilly, tendriled hand. A new breed of goosebumps crawled all over my body, and a whimper somehow escaped me.
J-just take one more step-
The water touched me again, spraying salty water on my face. My body became light like I was floating.
I'm floating out to sea. Everyone's trying to catch me, call out to me, but I can't feel them, can't tell what they're saying. I'm being dragged away into that murky, indescribable blue-
A shudder ran through me, and I gasped. My legs were locked in place until I jolted back, making me topple over. And then I'm crawling away from the shore as the waves stretch out, trying to snatch me up again.
"S-Stay away!" I cried.
My hands slipped through the sand. I fell backward, my head colliding into a soft ground beneath me. I went to jump back up and retreat, but my eyes locked onto the sky. The sunset washed over the town, turning everything orange and pink. They should've been relaxing, inviting colors, but at that moment, they felt full of pity. Their comfort, like the few other encounters before, was a strike against my competence. Like I needed to survive off of sympathy. That kind of compassion would've been helpful for me years earlier, but now it was a way of insulting my progress. That no matter what I do, I could never truly thrive.
If the sky were something that could actually feel pity for me, I didn't want it to go out of its way to make a spineless, fragile person feel included. Not like Mueller did. Not like Tachibana and Nanase.
"Help me be free," I begged in a hushed tone. "I just want to be free."
The next day, I stood with Mueller, Ella, and another first-year girl around the school pool. Everyone celebrated the official opening of the swimming club with its new members, myself included. Trying to hide my nervous shivering, I smiled with everyone else.
Deep down, past ever-growing panic and fear, I kept telling myself that this was the final option. The only option. Any other means of getting through the school year were nothing but cowardice. I wouldn't lie to myself again and say that this would be the key to becoming "free", because I had to learn my lesson at some point. My luck of holding onto hope would only set me up for failure. In this final attempt to do something serious about my situation, I would be honest with myself.
That I had no plan at all, and I was going to go along with the club in order to do what was necessary. Even if "necessary" meant re-opening old wounds from the one day I could never forget.
A/N: So...yeah. Took a while (I write sarcastically) to get this done. My excuse this time? Uh, a lot-too much, even, in my personal life. Everything's all good now, so I'm hoping I still have some love left to get me through this story. I know it isn't anything absolutely breath-taking, but this feels like obligation now to get you, readers, through to the end. My purpose for writing is still here, too, and I want to rekindle that feeling I had when writing in Kasumi's perspective.
Speaking of which, Kasumi is really something, isn't she? The more I think of it, the more she reminds me of a shaking little Chihuahua in a room filled with Boxers (lol!). I feel so bad for her. Here's this cute little teen having to deal with the big dilemma of high school and social anxiety on top of crippling fears and doubts, yet she now embraces a solution that could potentially break her. For someone who comes up with a lot of "faulty bandage" plans, she doesn't give herself enough credit. This is the kind of character that I hope lives up to just more than my imagination. Someone who is timid enough to be thought of as "cute and mild", yet as complex to face her problems head-on. I also hope that my way of writing helps you, readers, to see that.
And finally, my Easter eggs. For those of you who may or may not have found them, here's the list:
1) If I were Kasumi facing off the moment in the shape of a killer little bunny, I'd definitely retreat like King Arthur (Monty Python's Holy Grail)
2) A Literature Club with a couple of girls and one guy, and all of them get into hijinks of unnatural proportions...definitely weird (When Supernatural Battles Became Commonplace...I think. I don't have notes on my Easter eggs from this story, so I assume from the timeline of when that anime came out and when I was drafting this it's the right one).
3) Oh, yes, the Far-East Magical Napping Society, that's also one that is open for new members (Love, Chuunibyou, and Other Delusions. And you might wanna note this particular anime in reference to Kasumi's past character arc for the near future chapters).
4) "Cuz I got a golden ticket! I got a golden twinkle in my eye!" (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory)
Thanks for sticking with me and my dysfunctional schedule up to this point. I hope this chapter was good enough, and if you have any qualms or constructive criticism, I am more than happy to get in touch with you. Other than that, I hope you're all having a Happy New Year. I'll be seeing you-in the next chapter!
