Part I
Chapter 1 - Emptiness
Jane hadn't talked much about the miscarriage and she preferred to keep it that way. Whenever someone breached the subject, she'd quickly change it to something else. Maura successfully made all the gifts and decorations for the new baby disappear while Jane was in the hospital. She really didn't want to get rid of every trace, but Jane asked her to get rid of it.
It was obvious to everyone except Angela that she didn't want to talk about it. Why couldn't she just accept the fact that whatever person that baby was to become, it was gone. Never to be seen nor thought of again. Jane had accepted it, so should she! If Jane could get over it and she was the baby's mother, then Angela might as well just drop it!
It's been 3 weeks damn it! Jane slammed her bottle down on the island, startling Maura who was standing at the stove stirring the pasta sauce. She jumped with a start and squeaked a little. Jane winced. She had been caught in another daydream and forgotten where she was. "I'm sorry, Maur." She groaned.
Maura nodded and turned the eye down, returning to Jane's side. "That's okay. It just scared me a bit." She sighed and covered Jane's hand. "Are you okay?"
Jane looked at her, her eyes gazing lovingly into her friend's, contemplating whether or not to go there with her and discuss her feelings. She nodded slowly. "Yeah I'm good."
Dinner smelled heavenly, and she wanted to eat, but she just didn't feel hungry. She couldn't keep her mind off of the nightmares she'd been having lately. She had a new phantom that haunted her dreams at night. It was one that she never expected to make their way into her subconscious and one that tore her heart out worse than Hoyt.
"Here you go." Maura said as she placed a plateful of pasta in front of her.
Jane had lost some serious time. She had no clue how long she was sitting there unresponsive. Obviously it was long enough for Maura to make her a plate.
"Thanks," she said as she took her fork and started nibbling on the pasta. Jane knew it was delicious but nothing that she passed over her taste buds tasted like anything. What the hell is wrong with me?
The voice inside of Jane groaned as she struggled to force the portion of food past her heart that was stuck in her throat. She looked up at Maura who was dining on her meal in silence. The silence that enveloped them was deafening. Maura knew that Jane didn't want to talk, so she wasn't going to force her.
"Maura," Jane sighed as she played with her food. Jane felt like she was about to cry. No, worse than cry… She felt like she was about to sob uncontrollably. She felt it in her chest first, just above her diaphragm. Then it, that twisting, burning, gnawing feeling, traveled to the right settling just above her breast. It felt like a heart attack, just on the wrong side.
She reached her arms across her, hugging herself firmly. "I can't breathe, Maur."
Maura was at Jane's side in seconds, her hand slipping through the crook in her elbow, supporting her just in case she passed out. Maura didn't bother asking the usual, "Are you okay", because clearly she wasn't. She just stood there, holding her dear Jane close to her.
Jane put her face into her hands and hid her face from Maura as those wretched feelings that were inside threatened to come out. Her breaths deepened as she struggled to keep the emotions at bay. She had to be strong. She was better than this! A whimper escaped her mouth. It made her feel childish, frail, and so goddamn weak.
She felt Maura's supporting arm, holding her close… Steadying her, while her other hand gently caressed her back. Maura's hands had some kind of energy about them because Jane could feel warm energy coming from them.
Maura leaned closer to Jane, pressing her body tightly against hers as she rode this emotional rollercoaster with her. Jane's body began to tremble. Maura responded by tightening her embrace. Her trembling lips pressed firmly against Jane's temple, placing a soft kiss on her tortured friend.
"You don't have to pretend with me, Jane." She whispered ever so softly into Jane's ear, "I know what you're feeling."
Of course she couldn't pretend to be okay with Maura. Maura knew better.
"I just want to forget." Jane choked on her tears. She moved to get up but Maura held on to her.
"It'll take some time." Maura's voice was soothing.
Jane loved the sound of Maura's voice. She felt comforted and safe with her. The more comfortable she began to feel the angrier she got. It was like there was this tug of war inside of her, one part of her tugging her further into Maura's embrace, and the other tugging her as far away as it could. She was conflicted.
"No!" Jane burst out and pulled herself to her feet. This movement broke the connection that Maura's hands had around her, causing the flow of energy from Maura to cease. Jane noticed it and she was sure that Maura noticed it too.
"Jane, what's wrong?" Maura's eyes pleaded with her to explain her actions. "I can't help you if you don't let me."
Jane backed away. "I don't need any help." She said as she turned to go to the couch. "I'm fine."
Maura caught her arm before she sat down. She grabbed her, holding her firmly. "Talk to me. Why are you so angry right now?"
Jane shrugged out of her embrace and paced back and forth across the room. "I don't want to talk about it!" Jane nearly yelled. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut and cupped her mouth. She didn't want to direct her pain at Maura. She raised her hands, palms facing Maura, "I'm sorry… I didn't mean to yell," she began.
Maura stepped cautiously closer to Jane, taking her hands into her own. She placed Jane's hands onto her cheeks and sighed contently. Jane's touch often had the same calming effect on Maura as hers did on Jane. Maura closed her eyes briefly as she couldn't bear to look upon the pain that was staring back at her. Her hands reached up and covered Jane's as Jane's trembling hands cupped her face.
"I lost something too." Maura said softly as her eyes searched Jane's.
Jane's eyes were so warm and inviting. She nodded and squeezed her eyes shut. "I know." She leaned forward and pressed her forehead against Maura's, "I've never felt pain like this before," she whispered. Her breath danced across Maura's lips. Maura resisted the urge to reach and press her lips against Jane's trembling ones, stilling them with a soft kiss of comfort… Nothing more. Fear of Jane misunderstanding the gesture caused her to hold back, which was even more painful.
"I know you said that you're over it," Maura started off slow and evenly, but the amount of emotion in her voice betrayed her. "But I'm having a very hard time." She knew her words mirrored Jane's feelings, and if Jane wasn't comfortable talking about it, then she would be the one to express how she felt. Regardless of how vulnerable and naked it made her feel.
Jane's eyes opened slowly and met hers. "You are?"
Maura nodded slowly. "I think about the baby every day since," Maura instinctively pulled Jane's hands closer, pulling them closer together. "I miss the anticipation the birth."
"Maur…" Jane attempted to interrupt her.
"I miss the thought of having this tiny little human to hold."
"Maura, stop…" Jane bit her bottom lip, causing those dimples that Maura adored so much to appear.
"I miss taking care of you and talking to your belly…"
"Stop…" Jane said as she pressed her lips against Maura's forehead, her lips parted and when they did a sob came out unexpectedly, "Please stop."
Maura squeezed her eyes tightly shut and reined in her emotions. "I may not be able to truly empathize with you, but I know the pain you are feeling. I can feel it so strongly." Maura released Jane's hands and wrapped hers around Jane's waist.
Jane pulled Maura into her arms and hugged her tightly. "I'm so sorry. I should have been more careful. This is all my fault." Jane finally blurted out. "I was in denial."
As Maura tightened her grip around Jane, Jane's body seemed to relax in her arms.
"But you kept reminding me of this baby that was coming. And I had no choice but to accept reality." Tears streamed down Jane's face, "But then I was constantly in a struggle. I wanted to be happy and do mommy-to-be things, but I was fighting it."
"I know…"
"I didn't want to give up my life for a baby! I mean what the hell was I thinking?"
"This wasn't your fault."
Jane chuckled bitterly, "Oh yes it was, Dr. Isles. You know it, I know it, and everyone else knows it."
"In my eyes it was an accident." She ran her hands up and down the length of Jane's back as she struggled with her own emotions. "It was a terrible accident that took the life of our baby." Maura hadn't even noticed she said our baby. She truly felt like the baby was hers too. At least on an auntie/godmother level. She was right there with Jane, making sure she ate right, had plenty of exercise, and had enough of everything for the new baby.
She could never tell Jane that somewhere deep inside of her she hated the child's father. She hated him so much; she dared not even think his name. She could never express to her how absolutely solid this hatred was for him. Maura guessed that's where Paddy Doyle's DNA reigned; in the deepest crevices of her soul. Deep down where no one could see, nor hear the thoughts that fueled the person she was. Maura was a beautiful, brilliant and culture doctor on the outside and surface, but deep down, yes deep down is where the trueness of her being could be found. Maura was fiercely protective of anyone she called her own.
"Tell that to my heart." Jane whispered.
Maura's heart broke for her. She just tightened her embrace around her, "I'm trying, Jane. And I will keep trying until I convince you that it truly was an accident. Okay?" She nodded, encouraging Jane to agree.
Finally she agreed, "Okay."
Silence enveloped them for what seemed like hours. Jane pulled away, "I think I'm going to head to bed."
Maura cupped her face and smiled. "Okay, I'm going to go clean up the kitchen," she said as she started to walk away, but her departure was halted by Jane holding on to her hand.
"No…" Jane simply said as she looked down at their hands.
Maura waited for an indication of the meaning of Jane's pause. Slowly Jane tightened her grip on Maura's hand and turned off in the direction of the bedroom. Maura needed no further explanation. Jane wanted her to join her in bed.
They walked to the bedroom where Jane entered without turning on the light. She sat down at the edge of the bed exhaustedly. "I'm so tired." She leaned over and put her head into her hands and exhaled heavily.
Maura knelt down in front of her. "You've had a long day."
"A long year…" She corrected her.
Maura chuckled. "True." She said as she reached down and unlaced Jane's boots, tugging them off. She then removed her socks and tossed them far away from them.
She raised up on her knees and pulled Jane's hands away from her face, "Here, let me help." She said as she unbuttoned Jane's top shirt and tossed it away. Jane's tank top was so cute and pink. Maura chuckled.
"Shut up. I can wear pink if I want to." Jane cracked a smile.
Maura smiled and gazed at her for a moment. "It's so nice to see you smiling again." Maura cupped Jane's face and rose to her feet. She removed her own clothing quickly and grabbed one of Jane's shirts from her nightstand drawer, slipping it on and crawling into bed.
Jane followed her crawling under the covers with her. Usually Maura would protest to Jane climbing into bed with her day clothes on, but not tonight. Jane silently settled in and turned away from Maura. At first Maura thought that she should leave her alone, but she knew that if she were going through what Jane was going through, she would want Jane close at all times. And in effect, she was suffering the same. She couldn't explain how she felt Jane's pain so clearly, but she did.
She reached and touched Jane lightly on the shoulder, gauging her movements to Jane's response. Jane reached up and covered her hand with her own.
"May I move closer?" Maura asked softly.
Jane didn't answer for a few long minutes, nor did she let go of her hand. "Please…" she whispered.
Maura smiled and moved closer, spooning Jane's body with hers. Jane relaxed into Maura's embrace as Maura repositioned her hand, letting it drape over Jane's waist. Maura placed her face gently into the crook of Jane's neck, placing a soft kiss on it before settling her head onto the pillow next to Jane.
Jane sighed contently and reached for Maura's hand. She took it and placed it on her belly. Maura's heart tugged as Jane covered her hand, holding it in place over her empty womb. Maura tightened her grip around her and kissed her lightly again.
Jane's body trembled with silent sobs as Maura held her tightly. "We're going to get through this I promise you." She whispered to her. Her heart was so swollen up she could barely breathe.
It was then that Jane's sobs became audible. "I miss my baby, Maura." Her body became wrecked with sobs. "I don't think I'm ever gonna get over this. I can't believe hap…" Her voice trailed off, overreached by the painful cries of Jane's heart.
"I know... It's okay to cry… Just let it out." Maura encouraged her. And Jane listened.
The only sounds that filled the air for the next hour were the sounds of Jane's painful sobs. Maura held her, never loosening her grip on her one bit. She continued to hold her tight even after it was evident that she'd fallen asleep. After which, Maura sat up, watching her as she slept peacefully. She was determined to be awake and ready should Jane wake up in the middle of the night needing her.
Maura didn't sleep a wink that night.
NOTE: Reviews welcomed. This is going to be a story that highlights their friendship. It is not meant to follow the R&I seasons. Different things will happen out of order, because this is fanfiction! My goal is to tell a wonderful story of a wonderful undying love!
