You got me begging for thread
To sew this hole up that you ripped in my head


The sounds of the city, car horns honking, people shouting, sirens off in the distance, faded into white noise behind me. I was faintly aware that I was preventing the stream of afternoon foot traffic from running smoothly. Standing on the sidewalk in the snow, staring down at one of the newspaper stands that stood outside the liquor store down the street from Dr. Greenburg's office, I probably looked like a crackhead.

But I wasn't staring off into nothing while I was too high to move. I was staring at the picture on the front of one of the newspapers. Well, the paper could hardly be classified as news. It was a tabloid and one of the ones that had a new celebrity's sex scandal on the front cover every other week.

Today though, it had a familiar mugshot. The issue was printed in color, which was rare unless the story was something juicy. And apparently, with his recent escape and unknown whereabouts, Joker was the juiciest gossip in the city.

In addition to his mugshot, the Gotham Gossip had printed several other photos in little bubbles around him-all women dressed in clown paint, scantily clad and posing for whoever was behind the camera. Above his smirking mugshot, I stared at the headline and arched an eyebrow.

The Clown Prince and the Women Who Want to Be His Princess.

It was absurd, absolutely ridiculous, trash, and I dug into the pocket of my coat in search of the quarters I had tossed in there after lunch earlier. Before I could talk myself out of it, I slipped the coins into the machine and pulled the door down to snatch one of the issues off the stack.

Who was writing this garbage anyway? I scowled down at the flimsy paper and rolled my eyes. Whoever had written it deserved a strongly worded letter telling them how disgusting they were. He was a murderer and to even put something like this out for everyone to see was pathetic.

So, what did that make me, the person who had spent 75 cents on it?

I clutched the paper beneath my arm and turned away from the newspaper machines, my cheeks growing red that had little to do with the cold nipping at my face. As I marched on my way to Dr. Greenburg's office, the sounds returned to my ears and I watched a police car race down the street ahead of me.

A few days had passed since Matt had stayed the night on Monday and I was still ashamed of what I had done. It was horribly wrong of me to think of someone else while he was inside me. It was worse knowing that thinking about Joker had given me an intense orgasm that still made my stomach flutter four days later.

I had laid beside Matt, breathless and coming down from the high, and he had been so sweet, kissing and praising me. The shame of what went on inside my own head was almost too much to bear. I let him cuddle me, pulling me close while he drifted off back to sleep and I laid there in my own bed, disgusted with myself.

And here I was, anxious to get to Dr. Greenburg's office so I could sit in the waiting room and open this tabloid up to see Joker's face. As if it weren't already burnt into my mind.

It didn't take long to walk the next block over and I pushed the door open, breathing a sigh of relief at the warmth inside. Dr. Greenburg's office was on the third floor and I quickly made my way to the elevators. A man stepped off in front of me and I slid to the side to let him.

When the doors closed, I pulled the tabloid out from beneath my elbow and unfolded it. There he was again, staring up at me, one corner of his lips lifted in a smirk as if he knew that one day, I'd be looking at this image. Like that smirk was reserved for me.

My gaze slid to the four pictures surrounding his, the women who wanted to be with him. They all looked too good for him. One was blonde, a bit older than me, with long hair down to her waist. Her face was painted like a court jester and she was winking at the camera.

I couldn't help but wonder if this was the kind of woman he liked...Did the face paint and skimpy clothes do it for him?

Above me, the bell chimed and the doors slid open to the hall leading to Dr. Greenburg's office. I quickly clamped the newspaper back under my arm and hurried to the door. The receptionist greeted me with a smile and gestured for me to take a seat.

I never had to wait long for my appointments but I'd have enough time to at least read the article. If there even was one. For all I knew, there could have been nothing but accounts from these women and nothing about him. I took a seat in the center of the row of chairs and turned away from the receptionist's desk, hoping she couldn't see the trashy gossip magazine from where she sat.

The pages opened to the center, where I knew the main story would be, and I sucked in a tiny breath. Right in the center, bigger than it had been on the front, was his mugshot yet again. It was like a centerfold and I tilted my head to the side to stare at the full length of his face.

His scars were streaked red with paint, the white fading around his temples and jaw to show the pale color of his face beneath. I'd seen him barefaced before-the last time being the night he had surprised me at the opera house. The thick shadows in the balcony box gave me little light to see his face, of course, but the lights from the stage had given me enough.

A flash of his face, inches from my own, gaze intense and dark, raced through my head and I swallowed tightly. If he was literally anyone else than who he was, he would be far too handsome for his own good. Even with the scars.

There was a block of text running down the side of the page and the bottom had the same women from the cover, though their photos were different on the inside pages. The blonde drew my eyes again and I frowned at her lounging back on a bed, the purple silk sheets beneath her.

Would these women even like him if they knew him as I did? Would they dress up for him, paint their faces and take photos for him if they had been stalked and tormented the way I was?

Then again, who's to say they haven't? For all I knew, he could have several women in my same position. If he got tired of me, he could just cast me aside and move on to one of them.

I was surprised by the sudden spike of jealousy that pierced through me. It pinched my brows and I glanced back to his eyes on the opposite page and that infuriating smirk. Was that what he was telling me in the picture? Was he proud of himself for playing me like this?

"Natalie?"

The sound of my name made me whip my head around and I blinked in surprise at the receptionist. She was leaning forward to see me better and her smile was polite if not a bit concerned. She must have been calling my name for a minute. "Dr. Greenburg will see you now."

"Oh," I breathed, snapping the tabloid shut. I folded it so his face was no longer looking up at me and tucked it back beneath my arm. "Thank you."

The walk to the office was short and I smiled as genuinely as I could as I stepped through the door. Like always, Dr. Greenburg was at her desk, wearing a dark grey pantsuit and she lifted her head to flash me a smile as I walked in. She slipped her glasses off and set them down on the desk beside her.

"Good afternoon, Natalie. Come in, make yourself comfortable."

I let the door shut quietly behind me and moved to the couch to take my usual seat closest to the wall. Beneath my arm, the tabloid felt bigger and I turned to block it from her view with my body as I set it down and shed my coat. Before she could even take a peek at it, I tossed the coat over it and pulled them both into my lap.

"Would you like some water?"

"No, thank you."

Nodding, Dr. Greenburg reached across her desk to press the switch on the little box sitting there. Gentle, quiet sounds of the ocean, crashing waves, and a breeze that almost felt warm played soothingly.

"How are you today, Natalie?"

"I'm good." I made sure not to fidget my hands in my lap despite the need to. "Work was a bit stressful, but it's been worse."

The woman nodded and sat back in her chair, crossing her legs at the knee. "Would you like to talk about those stresses?"

No. I really didn't want to talk about them. To be honest, I didn't want to really be here today, but I felt like I was disappointing a teacher or something if I missed a session. Shrugging a shoulder, I glanced at the framed pictures hanging on her wall, finding the Gotham city skyline like always.

"It's just a busy time right now. I mean, I know I don't have the most important job around the office, but it seems like the phone has been ringing off the hook lately."

"Being a receptionist is definitely important. You're the first one a lot of clients see and speak to. It carries a lot of stress with it and if you need help dealing with that stress, we could start there." She watched me, no doubt waiting for me to react but I was careful today. I didn't want to bring any extra attention to myself, didn't want her to see that I was hiding something.

With a nod, I smiled. "I guess you're right. I don't think the stress is something I can't deal with though."

It was a walk in the park compared to what I was really going through.

Dr. Greenburg nodded and tented her fingers in front of her while she rested her elbows on the arms of her chair. "The last time you were here, you mentioned something about seeing someone." She leaned toward her desk and glanced down at the yellow notepad where she took notes. "Matthew, was it?"

"Yeah, I'm still seeing him. We're going out for his father's birthday tomorrow night." My throat tightened around the words and I quietly held back a cough. Just thinking about what would happen tomorrow night made that familiar panic bubble through my chest like boiling water. It burned and I wanted nothing more than to scratch at it boiling beneath the surface.

Somehow, I kept my cool and Dr. Greenburg smiled softly at me. "That sounds like an important night. And are you excited about it?"

"Yeah, I'm-" Again, my throat squeezed tight and I put a hand to my throat, trying to clear it. "Actually, could I have that water?"

Dr. Greenburg spun away from her desk to a small, black mini-fridge positioned in the corner of the office. She had an assortment of water and sodas and I took the bottle she handed me with a thankful smile. I twisted the cap, put it to my lips, and gulped two mouthfuls.

"Thank you." I laughed nervously and put the cap back on the bottle. "As I was saying, I am excited. I really like him."

She nodded, crossed her legs again, and pulled her notepad into her lap. I watched her pluck a pen from the cup on her desk and she read over a line or two on the pad. After finding what she was looking for, she lifted her gaze to me.

"And Matthew isn't from Gotham is he?"

I shook my head and clutched the water bottle in both hands. "No, he's not. He's only here for business with his dad."

"Have you thought about how you'll feel when he leaves?"

Her question left me a tad stunned and I blinked at her as my head tried to quickly form an answer. The truth was, I hadn't really thought about it. I mean, I knew he wouldn't be staying in Gotham, but I hadn't exactly thought about how I'd feel about him leaving.

Shrugging, I draped an elbow onto the arm of the couch. "He'll be here for a while. He mentioned once or twice that deals like this take several weeks."

Dr. Greenburg adjusted her glasses and I noticed a slight tension across her jaw like she was getting frustrated with me. It was the first time I noticed her react like anything other than a stoic, typical therapist and I shrank back into the couch.

"It's important to face how you'll feel in the future. I know it isn't always easy to think about sadness or regret before they happen, but to get control of your feelings and not let them run away with you is something that I think will help you come to terms with Matthew's absence." What she said made sense but her words made me swallow.

I glanced down to my lap, where the water bottle and coat were stretched over my thighs, covering the magazine beneath it. And there, on the pages of the gossip tabloid, Joker was smirking. His image flashed through my mind quickly and I lifted my head to face Dr. Greenburg.

The words tumbled from my lips before I could stop them. I don't even know why I said them at all. But once they were out, I couldn't take them back.

"J contacted me."

Her pale eyebrows lifted and she was quick to flip back over to the previous page in her notebook. It was more filled than the second page and I clamped my teeth around the inside of my cheek. Why on earth did I say anything?

It was clear that the wheels were turning in her head as she read through her notes and I shifted on the couch cushion. Tension was pulling at the muscles across my shoulders and that nerve-wracking need to flee had returned. I glanced at the door just as she spoke up.

"Tell me your thoughts about that."

"I feel…" How was I supposed to even describe how I felt? I sighed and picked at the peeling label around the water bottle. "Confused. Angry, but also...I don't know."

"Those are all valid, even the emotions you can't put into words."

My gaze lifted to hers and once again, I couldn't hold back the words. It was like my brain had been taken over and I was desperate to tell someone about what I was struggling with-even if it was only a tiny fraction of the truth.

"He wants to see me."

"And this is the same J that hurt you, both emotionally and psychologically?" I nodded, hating the way it sounded coming from her mouth. Yeah, he had done those things to me but there was more to it than that. More than she would ever know, more than she would ever understand. "I know you may be feeling some conflicting emotions, but it's important to remember the goals you're working toward. Do you remember what those goals are?"

Ugh. I wanted to roll my eyes but I resisted and found myself nodding once more. When I had first started seeing Dr. Greenburg, during one of our first sessions, we had worked on a small list of goals to work toward. They were to help me, I knew, but right now I wanted to say forget the goals.

Taking a deep breath, I instead focused on each one of them. I wanted to feel like myself again, to be able to be proud of myself, to stop keeping people out, and to stop blaming myself for what he did to me. It was that last one that made me want to scoff and roll my eyes.

"Yeah," was all I managed to say.

"And what do you think will happen with the goals if you decide to see J?"

I shifted my gaze to that framed, black and white photograph of the Gotham skyline. Somewhere in there, he was hiding, waiting for tomorrow night to show me the surprise he had planned. It should have frightened me. But it didn't.

Absently, I answered her. "I'll get further away from them."

From the corner of my eye, I could see her nodding and I turned back to face her as she tented her fingers in front of her again. "Exactly. It's important for you to stay on the path you're on now if you want to reach those goals."

"So, you think I should blow him off?" As if I could. As if he'd let me.

Dr. Greenburg took a small breath and let it out her nose, reaching up to take her glasses off to stare at me. "Ultimately, Natalie, I can't tell you what to do. You're going to have to make that decision for yourself." Not what I was expecting, but it gave me a little glimmer of excitement that sparked in my chest. "Do I think it's a good idea? No. But I do believe you have the strength to do what is right for yourself."

For a moment, I stared at her and really thought about my options. I couldn't run or hide from him. He was going to come and find me no matter what I did, so staying away wasn't exactly an option. But, she was right.

I did have the strength to do what was right for myself. And just because I would be with him again, face to face without a theatre full of people around us, possibly alone, didn't mean I had to do anything I didn't want to do.

I could be strong.


Shit!

I was late and the cab was currently stuck in the Friday evening traffic that backed up at each intersection. The driver cursed softly and pressed on his horn for someone to move, and I sat back in the seat.

Time was ticking and I didn't have long if I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. Instead of canceling my date with Matt to sit at home, chew my nails to the quick with worry, I had the brilliant idea to do both things on my agenda for the night.

Dinner with Matt and his father at Le Caprice at six and then finish the night with meeting Joker wherever hole or back alley hideout he was hidden away in. The two dates couldn't be any more different from the other. Not that the latter was a date.

The thought made heat rush to my face and I quickly reached for the window controls on the door at my right. I rolled the window down just enough to get some cool air and cleared my throat at the smell of exhaust fumes. For some reason, it only reminded me of him and I rolled my eyes as the window closed.

For the past ten minutes, we'd traveled a block and I was tapping my foot impatiently against the floor. And all the while, the meter was going up and up. I wasn't exactly broke, but my funds weren't as free-flowing as they once were. Especially since I had stopped using that other account.

I already owed him too much and until I knew exactly how he expected me to pay him back, I wasn't about to rack up more debt. Then again, paying him back could be fun. But only if he expected me to repay him in orgasms.

Again, my cheeks lit with heat and I clenched my jaw as I cracked the window a few inches for some of that cold air to cool me off. In the rearview mirror, the driver scowled at me and I ignored him. I nearly asked him if there was any way we could speed this up, but the endless line of brake lights shining ahead of us lifted and we started to move.

Thank god. I was already fifteen minutes late and I really didn't want to keep Matt and his dad waiting. I had met his father once before but had never really been around him in this kind of setting. It felt very much like I was meeting him properly for the first time and I was nervous.

It settled beneath my armpits and I lifted my arms to try to air them out. The last thing I wanted was damp spots on my blouse before even getting to the restaurant. The cab took a left and I breathed a sigh as the traffic lifted. We drove slow but steadily and I quickly applied another layer of lip gloss, hoping I was dressed appropriately for a place like Le Caprice.

I had looked it up on my work computer earlier and balked at the sight of the fancy interior. Low lighting, chandeliers, white table cloths, and menus that had no prices told me that the place might be a bit too fancy for my casual business attire. But I had no time after work to change.

My slacks, button-up blouse, and flats would have to do. As the cab rolled on, getting closer to the address I had given the driver, I combed my fingers through my hair and pulled the length to one shoulder, securing it with a ponytail. I hoped it looked chic and not desperate.

Once the car stopped, I handed a wad of bills to the driver and climbed out of the car. God, I was so late!

I zipped around the crowd of people standing near the entrance and hurried inside, looking through the windows for any sign of Matt. A man stepped in front of me, his mustache thin and resting just on top of his upper lip. He looked down his nose at me and forced a smile.

"I'm sorry, do you have a reservation?" The Maître d' asked with a hint of snobbery in his tone.

I blinked up at him and noticed the vest, tie, and jacket he wore. Fuck, this place was way more upscale than I had been expecting. I opened my mouth to apologize when I heard my name behind me. When I spun on my heel to face Matt, I heard the man behind me make a sound of frustration.

"Hey," Matt said with a dazzling smile. It made my stomach flutter slightly and I let him pull me into a hug. "We're all at the bar, waiting for the table. C'mon, I'll introduce you to everyone."

Wait... everyone? Who all was here?

His hand slid into mine and he steered me away from the entrance of the restaurant as I tried to wrap my head around what he had just said. There was an intimate section with low hanging, dim lights around a U-shaped bar. It was quite crowded already and we weaved our way around the high tables situated around the room.

A bartender stood in the middle of the bar, wearing a white, button-down shirt and vest. He shook a tumbler and poured the contents of it into a glass as Matt led me around the corner of the bar. Sitting in the stools, I recognized his father and felt my face fall.

Surrounding him on either side were three men, smoking cigars and laughing quietly with one another. They were well dressed and looked exactly what I imagined powerful men of Gotham looked like. As we neared and settled into two of the stools, Matt's father turned to us and I hoped my nervousness wasn't obvious.

Cal Hawthorne was intimidating. He was a multi-millionaire, confident, and took no shit. From the talk around the office that I had heard, he never lost out on a deal and investors bent over backward to please him. We had met briefly the day he and Matt had first come into Gotham Capital and while he had been polite and friendly enough then, I was meeting him under different circumstances now.

My stomach was a ball of nerves and I flashed what I hoped was a confident smile. Judging by how my voice stuck in the back of my throat like cement, I knew it probably wasn't.

"Dad, you remember Natalie."

"Of course," he said, plucking the cigar out of his mouth. "Haven't heard you talk about anything else for the past month. How are you, Natalie?"

The man reached over and held out his hand and I slid mine against his palm. "I'm good. Sorry I'm so late, I-"

"Ah, don't worry about it. Traffic in this city is hell." Cal turned to the bartender and lifted his hand, snapping his fingers once to get the man's attention. "Two bourbons. On the rocks."

And with that, he turned back to his friends and I blinked in confusion. Had he just ordered a drink for me? I didn't have the heart to tell him or Matt that I wasn't a bourbon fan, but the bartender was prompt and dropped two, short glasses down in front of me and Matt. He lifted his to his lips and I hesitated.

"You don't have to drink it," he said, leaning down to talk quietly in my ear. "It won't offend him."

Warmth touched my cheeks and I nodded, my hands still reaching for the glass. I tapped my fingernails against it and glanced over at Matt. He looked nice, dressed in a black turtleneck and sport coat. I nodded and lifted my head. "Who are the other three men?"

"Those are some of his friends. They get together every time we come to the city. They drink, talk business, eat and end up making deals that they'll forget about in the morning. Tonight just happens to be dad's birthday so I expect they'll do the same, but spend more money this time." He said it so casually like it was no big deal.

And maybe it wasn't. Maybe I was making a big deal about nothing but I couldn't help how uncomfortable I was just being here. I shifted on the stool and lifted the bourbon to my lips, taking a sip of the strong drink. It burned the back of my throat and I ducked my head to hide my grimace.

Thankfully, Matt had turned his attention to the conversations happening beside him and I sat at the bar, looking at the other people sitting around. And while I tried not to, I couldn't help my mind wandering back to J. What was he doing now? What could he possibly have to show me tonight?

A part of me still had that fear from over a year ago, that maybe this would be the time he decided to put an end to me. The corner of my lips lifted with a small smile and I stared down at the amber liquid in the glass in front of me. A small drop of water rolled down the side and met my fingertip.

I wasn't sure why, but I was almost certain he wouldn't kill me. If he wanted to do that, he could at any moment. Sure, the guy had a flair for theatrics but I didn't think he would go to such lengths just to slit my throat.

I want to show you something…

The possibilities of what that something could be were good, bad, and everything in between. I would never figure it out on my own. All I could do was wait.

But the nervous ball that had settled into my stomach was starting to unravel and settle into a different emotion altogether. I was anxious and would be until I was safe back in my apartment, but there was an anticipation riding behind it. The kind of sensation you'd get at the very tip-top of a rollercoaster right before plunging over the edge.

A hand at the small of my back made me start and I blinked up at Matt. He was standing and smiling, his eyes lifting over my head. "Our table is ready."

"Oh."

I stood, draped my coat over my elbow, and snatched my purse from the back of the stool where I had hung it. Cal and his friends led the way into the dining area and I followed behind like an obedient dog. By now, I was getting used to the feeling of standing out.

While the other women sitting at the tables around the restaurant were wearing nice dresses, pearl necklaces, and diamonds in their ears, it was almost laughable how I looked in comparison. A scoff bubbled in my throat just as Matt turned toward a table set in the back corner of the dining area near the length of windows that looked out at the street.

As Matt pulled out a chair for me, I lowered into it and draped my coat and purse over my lap. Putting it on the floor or hanging off the chair felt wrong for some reason. I forced a smile to Matt as he took a seat next to me and across from the both of us, Cal ordered a bottle of wine for the table.

Expensive wine, I was sure.

The waiter laid down menus in front of each of us and I put a hand to the corner of the thick, textured paper. Each entree was centered down the page with a small description beneath the title and I blinked. There were no prices just like the pictures posted online.

Great. I hoped they wouldn't care about me ordering just a side salad.

While everyone was preoccupied with looking over the menu, I turned to Matt and leaned closer to him. "Hey, I hope you don't mind but I kind of told Abby we would hang out tonight."

He lifted his head and narrowed his blue eyes. "Do you need to leave right now?"

"Oh, no. Not until 8 or so. I've got plenty of time to eat dinner." If I could afford it.

"Good," he said, his mouth stretching into a smile.

The waiter returned with the bottle of wine and he presented it to Cal so he could read the label before pouring it into the glasses around the table. As he stepped toward me and leaned over, I put a hand over my glass and forced a smile. "Just water for me, please."

I could feel the stares of the four men and ducked my head back toward the menu. It wasn't long before he was ready for our orders and when he turned to me, waiting with a look of snobbish expectation on his face, I cleared my throat. "Um, I'll have a side salad."

"And what would be on the side of ?" The waiter let out a short laugh when I blinked up at him and explained. "We don't offer the side salad as an entree."

"Oh."

"Get her a steak," Cal spoke up, making my eyes dart to him. He was smiling and lifted his glass to me in a quick toast.

"Dad, Natalie's a vegetarian."

At the opposite end of the table, one of Cal's friends scoffed and I had to resist the urge to glare at him. I was almost certain Matt had told his father that I was a vegetarian. We'd had a conversation about it and how Cal's second ex-wife had been a vegetarian. In fact, he specifically told me he had mentioned it to his father. I couldn't help feeling like he and his friends were making fun of me.

"Might I suggest the eggplant quiche?" The waiter said, making me nod without even looking up at him. He plucked the menu from my hands and finished taking the orders. Once he stepped away from the table, the conversation picked back up and the man at the corner of the table lifted his wine glass and leaned an elbow on the table.

I stared at his thick, greying mustache as it twitched above his smile. "So, tell me about your latest venture, Cal. I know your trips to Gotham are strictly for business."

"I don't mind mixing business with pleasure but Matthew and I are looking for some prime real estate to put in the next line of Hawthorne Condominiums and I think we found the place." There was a twinkle in his eye as he glanced back at his son. I knew they had been looking at several places but hadn't heard that they'd settled on anything.

From beside me, Matt reached over and took my hand beneath the table, gently squeezing my fingers. "Thanks to Gotham Capital, dad and I will soon be the new owners of Amusement Mile."

My eyebrows lifted. That's what he's been here for? I frowned. "I thought you wanted a place for condos."

"And we'll have it," Cal answered, pulling my attention to him. "As soon as that eyesore is torn down."

"I spent my summers there as a kid."

The man to his left, who hadn't acknowledged my existence all night, scoffed. "That place is long overdue to be demolished."

"Whole thing is covered in graffiti and who knows what else." Cal topped his glass off with more wine and I felt my frown deepen. The amusement park had been run down and abandoned for years, but it would be so strange to see it gone. It was sad. "I've sent some people out there to take a look around this week and there are several homeless people shacked up. There's nothing that would help that place. It'd look better as a pile of rubble."

They broke out into a discussion of business details that I wasn't exactly interested in and I stared down at the white cloth over the table. Why on earth would they want to put condos in such a bad area? The businesses surrounding Amusement Mile had all fallen victim to the same wave of failure and there was nothing in that part of town but the empty buildings left behind.

Now it would all be torn down, gentrified, and used to make the Hawthorne's millions more than they needed. I knew I was being overdramatic and sentimental about a place I hadn't thought of in years, but it didn't feel right.

"Hey," Matt whispered in my ear, making me turn to stare up at him. "Don't worry about the bill, okay? I'm not going to invite you to a place like this and expect you to pay."

His words made my throat clench tight and I found myself nodding, though I didn't want to. I was relieved to know that I wouldn't have to pay for an expensive meal, but relying on him to pay for everything made me feel...weird. Not just because I wanted to be able to pay for my own things but because I was in such a strange situation with two vastly different men.

On one hand, I had a guy who took me to the opera and nice, swanky restaurants, who wanted to pay for my meals. And on the other, I had a man blackmailing me into repaying everything of his that I had spent. Well, blackmailing was a strong word. So far, it'd been nothing but a threat.

He hadn't made me do anything.

But that might change tonight.

Matt's fingers found mine again and squeezed, pulling me out of my thoughts before they could spiral through the possibilities. I smiled again and nodded, face flushing just as the waiter returned with our food.

We ate in silence, thankfully. The only conversation circling the table was quiet banter that didn't involve me and that's how I preferred it. Though it wasn't my choice, the eggplant quiche was delicious-far better than the mac and cheese I would have made myself for dinner.

Halfway through the six pieces of quiche that I was trying my best not to scarf down in under a minute, Matt pressed a hand to his jacket pocket and quickly pulled out his cell phone. The screen was lit up and he wiped his mouth with the cloth napkin before pushing his chair back. "Excuse me for just a minute."

He stood and I had to resist the urge to beg him to stay. Don't leave me with these men! I don't know them well enough to be left to carry on a conversation with-

"So, Natalie," Cal's voice pulled my attention to him and I swallowed the bite I had been chewing. "Tell me about yourself. We haven't had much time to get to know one another, but from what Matt tells me, you're quite the woman."

Even in the low lighting, I knew my cheeks were bright red. I smiled, though nervousness barely let my lips lift much. "I'm just me. I just work and try to live day by day."

And not get caught up in the plans of a psychotic clown all over again.

"Where do you work?" One of the other men asked, picking up his wine glass.

"Oh, I work at the firm handling Cal's real estate investments."

"You're a real estate investor?" The other guy said-the one that just now seemed to realize I existed. I turned to stare at him and shook my head, watching as he sawed his knife into the driest piece of steak I'd ever seen.

"No," I answered with a quiet laugh. "I'm just the receptionist."

Silence fell over the table, quickly ending any more laughter that might have wanted to bubble in my throat. The four of them stared at me and I cleared my throat, looking toward the windows.

"Isn't that...charming."

"Matt's quite taken with you," Cal said. I ducked my head and nodded, intent on responding but he didn't get me a chance. I looked up at him as he spoke. "He's got a good heart but it doesn't always lead him in the right direction. I can't tell you how many times I had to tell him as a kid that just because you see a starving dog begging for scraps, don't mean you gotta bring it home and feed it."

All of the sounds of the restaurant blurred in my ears and I stared at the man across from me. His eyes, so similar to Matt's, icy blue and narrowed, never left mine and I felt frozen to my seat. The quiche I had praised just moments ago was threatening to come up and I tried to blink.

Was he comparing me to a dog?

There was no way.

I was just being paranoid and ridiculous. But the longer he stared at me, the more obvious it became and I felt the heat of humiliation burned my face. Cal's friends didn't look at me. They were very clearly looking anywhere but at me, not to spare me the embarrassment, but because they didn't give a single fuck about me. I was beneath them.

The familiar prick of tears burned at the corners of my eyes and I struggled to inhale around the lump pressing in my throat. All this time I had thought I was being silly for feeling out of place. It hurt worse knowing I wasn't the only one to notice.

Beside me, Matt dropped back into his chair and Cal turned to his friend, picking up his glass before launching into a story as if he hadn't made me nearly cry. I swallowed and blinked down at my lap, sliding my chair back so I could open my purse.

"What's wrong?" The question at my right made me suck in a breath that shuddered and I shook my head.

"Nothing, I just-" my fingers shook as I opened my wallet to pull out a twenty. "I should probably go. And I know you said you'd pay, but I don't mind picking up my share."

Because there was no way I was leaving this restaurant feeling like a starving dog begging for scraps. "Nat, it's fine. I offered to pay-"

I lifted my head once I was sure the tears wouldn't spill out and forced a smile. "I want to." I shoved a twenty into Matt's hand. "I'd feel more comfortable paying for my own food."

Before he could argue with me about it more, I stood to my feet. The back of my legs hit the chair and nearly toppled it over. Thankfully, to save myself more humiliation, I managed to catch it before it could fall and I stumbled away from the table. I quickly threw my purse onto my shoulder and turned back to the table.

"Thank you for dinner and-" my throat tightened around the words. All I wanted was to run, to get as far away from this place that I could. I couldn't look Cal in the eye though I knew he was watching me. "-I hope you have a good birthday. Nice to meet you all."

Even though none of them had been interested in even knowing my name. I could see Matt standing from the corner of my eye, but I didn't wait around. The room was starting to feel smaller and smaller around me and I needed air. Though I couldn't be too sure through the blur of tears, I could feel so many people staring my way and I swiped angrily at the corners of my eyes.

"Natalie," Matt called behind me but I didn't stop. I hurried around the host still standing just inside the tall, double doors and I pushed them open into the winter air. Cold swirled around my feet and as soon as it touched my face, I sucked in a deep breath of it. "Hey, are you alright?"

The hand at my elbow spun me around until I was facing Matt once more and I nodded. Now that I was able to actually breathe, I didn't feel the pressing need to burst into tears. "I'm fine," I said, waving him off with a feeble attempt at a smile. "I just...I need to get back home. Abby is coming over and we're going to rent a movie and...I'm fine."

Even I wasn't convinced by the lie, but for whatever reason, he didn't question it. I noticed his lips purse in a line before he glanced back at the doors behind us. They were opening once more and we stepped to the side to let a small group of people pass. "Did someone say something to upset you?"

I shook my head. "No, of course not."

"I know dad can be harsh sometimes. He doesn't think before saying things, especially after a few drinks. If he said anything-"

"He didn't. I promise." I didn't want to think about it anymore. It was like rubbing a sore over and over until it was left raw. "I should go."

For several seconds, with the traffic on the street nearly deafening, we stood on the sidewalk outside of Le Caprice's and I fought that annoying urge to run. It pressed at the back of my body like invisible hands trying to push me away. I could tell Matt didn't want to let me leave, but he was at a loss.

So was I.

Nodding, he dropped his hands away from me. "Okay. Call me later when Abby leaves, okay?"

I nodded and let him lean down to press a kiss to my forehead. He rubbed his hands up my arms and pulled away, smiling down at me with a worried expression on his face.

"You might want to put your coat on. It's freezing out."

"Right."

I hadn't noticed. My face was still flushed with embarrassment and the cold air felt good against the heat. But to please Matt, I dipped my arms into the sleeves of my coat and pulled it around my body before slipping my purse over my shoulder. We said our goodbyes and I wondered if he noticed the awkward tension between us.

If he did, he didn't mention it and I hugged my arms around myself as I left him standing in front of the restaurant. Once I reached the corner of the block, I glanced back to see if he was still watching me. He wasn't. Good.

I had just enough time to get home, change clothes, and prepare myself to see him again. Physically, I was ready. My body was wound tight, tense with anticipation for him only because it knew how good the release felt. It was hard to forget what had happened between us last year.

Every inch of skin he had ever touched or bruised or marked remembered what it had felt like, remembered what he had done and it was craving it still. I couldn't help thinking of him like a drug and I was the addict. My drug of choice was dangling in front of me, taunting me with the high only he could give me.

But mentally? I wasn't ready. I was never ready.

And I never knew how to prepare myself for him. The only thing I knew was that when I was faced with the option to stick around with a table full of old, wealthy men and Joker...well, I'd rather deal with him.

At least he didn't pretend to be anything other than what he was.


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AN- Okay, no J this chapter but I will definitely make up for it in the next one :) Which is already written. Just have to do edits and I should be posting it in the next few days!