A/N: The first part of this chapter is emotionally heavy. It deals heavily with grief and trauma. CW: child abuse and maternal death. But Jimmy and Teresa end up at the carnival again, so yay?
Mid-July 1927
As soon as they returned to Chicago, they began preparations for their wedding. The following week, the day she hoped would never come finally happened. Jimmy came running into their house. She heard him calling for her before she saw him, and from his voice she knew something was wrong.
"Teresa!"
"Jimmy! Wait right there! What happened?" Sam stopped him in the parlor. After a morning with her Sammy, she was in the bath. When she heard Jimmy's breathy sobs as he cried out "I want Teresa," she dressed quickly.
When she got to the parlor, she clasped her hands over her mouth. As soon as Jimmy saw her, he ran to her and clasped his hands around her waist. He had a split lip and a red welt around his eye that would surely turn black. Sam came walking out of the kitchen with a cold cloth.
"Here, hold this over that eye, son." He pressed the cloth to her baby brother's eye, prompting him to take it.
She rubbed the back of his head. "Jimmy, what happened?"
"Papa said he hates me cause I killed mama! And I told him that's not true and that she went to heaven when I was a baby. Then, he hit me for sassing him and killing mama!" He started crying again. "That's not true, is it, T?"
She didn't know what to say. Their mother had died giving birth to him, but he was too young to understand that. He certainly didn't kill her!
"Why don't you sit down?" Sam ushered them to the sofa. Jimmy grabbed her dress and continued to cry into it. Sam knelt down in front of Jimmy and placed his hand on the boy's back. Jimmy recoiled at the touch, and she closed her eyes. Sam must have noticed that because he placed his hand on top of hers to comfort her. Papa had the belt out before he decided to just use his fists on her seven year old brother instead.
Unlike Stan, who was always so scared to talk or do anything, or Tommy, who was just always angry, Jimmy had a tender heart—and their papa always yelled at him to be a man.
She was afraid she might start crying if she spoke. She blamed herself in part. If she had been there, maybe he would have hit her instead of Jimmy. Maybe he wouldn't have said those horrible things to him.
Sam sighed. "That's not true, son. You didn't kill your mother."
"But how do you know?"
"Because it happens sometimes. Sometimes, women go into their confinement and they don't come out."
Jimmy looked at her with his one clean eye. "What's a confinement?"
"It's when a woman goes to have a baby." When Sam spoke to Jimmy, it was with tenderness. He wasn't angry that he cried or asked the questions of a child.
"But mama died when I was a baby."
She finally found the words to say. Maybe she should've told him before. Maybe papa's words wouldn't have hurt so much if she had. "Jimmy, she died when she was giving birth to you."
"But how?"
"Just like everyone else, you came from mama's body. It's a whole process that you'll know more about later. It's very messy, and sometimes, mamas can't survive it for one reason or another. The doctor said you turned around, and they tried to get you the right way. She lost a lot of blood."
She paused for a moment, lost in a blank stare. For as long as she lived, she would never forget those screams that turned to whimpers to silence as time wore on. Perhaps she should've thought better about wanting to have children of her own.
But Jimmy needed her now, so she pushed that back down before she continued. "Sometimes, the babies don't survive it either. But you survived, Jimmy!"
He was quiet for a moment. "So I did kill mama."
"No, you didn't kill her. It's a natural process."
"Then, why didn't I die with her? I wish I would've gone to heaven with her."
"Don't talk like that, Jimmy." It broke her heart to hear her baby brother, the one who was so full of life and spirit, speak like that.
"Is that why no one wants me around? It's because I killed mama! Everybody would be happier if I didn't exist."
"That's not true, Jimmy! I wouldn't be happier." She scratched his ear. "You make me happy."
"But you're not even home anymore! And Tommy's gone now. Stan doesn't want me around." Jimmy looked up to Stan a lot. He tried to be his shadow sometimes. And when Stan was in the mood, they could be a troublesome duo.
"I see you every day! I always have time for you."
Sam intervened. "And you will stay here from now on."
She looked at him in curiosity as Jimmy looked at her. "Really?"
"Yeah, I'm gonna go have a long talk with your papa, and you and Stan are going to come stay here with us. We'll get a couple of mattresses put upstairs. I want you to stay here with Teresa while I go get Stan and some of your stuff from the house."
Jimmy just nodded as he curled back into her side. About an hour or so later, Sam returned with Stan and their belongings. Stan looked stunned when he hugged her upon entering their home, but she was glad her boys were home with her now.
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That evening, Sam had the mattresses for the boys delivered. She asked him once why he had such a large house with so few furnishings. He told her that one person only needed so much furniture. The next day, he had set out a Sears and Roebuck catalogue and told her to order whatever furnishings she thought they would need.
Supper was interesting.
"Which bed do you want, T?"
Sam laughed. "First night, and you're already trying to steal her away from me?"
"I always sleep with T!"
"Jimmy, I have my own bed in Sam's room. You and Stan sleep upstairs, but I will come and read to you before bed."
"Why does Sam get to keep you in his room? We've always stayed together!"
Stan coughed. At 13, he was a young man and understood better why she lived with Sam. Well, other than papa kicking her out onto the streets—he understood why men and women shared a bed.
"Jimmy, you just have to sleep upstairs with me! You can't sleep with Teresa anymore. She's laid up with Sam."
She choked on her sip of lemonade. "Stan, please don't say that."
"Well, it's what papa said."
"That's not a polite thing to say."
"What does laid up mean?" Apparently, they cleared it up for Stan but not Jimmy.
"It means she sleeps with him like she's his wife."
"Like his wife? How's that different than when we sleep together?"
She met Sam's eyes in exasperation when Stan declared: "They make babies!"
Jimmy started to weep. "No! T is never having babies! Sam, please don't make babies with my sister! I don't want her to leave us!" Sam looked as though he might laugh if he didn't understand exactly where Jimmy's new found anxiety over babies came from.
"Jimmy, I might have a baby one day. It's what women do." And what she'd chosen to do with Sam.
"Teresa, you said you'd never leave me! You promised! You can't have babies and leave me like mama!"
Anger flashed across Stan's face. "Shut up! You don't even know mama!"
"Stan!" She shook her head and whispered. "No!"
"I'm sorry I killed her. Please don't hate me, Stan!"
Stan's eyes watered, but he'd gotten enough "be a man" punches from papa to not let his tears fall over. "I don't hate you, Jimmy. I'm sorry. But why did she have to go? Everything was better before she left."
She touched his face. Mama doted on Stan so much because he was the baby before Jimmy. He was never the same after she died.
"Stan, I don't know why she had to go. None of us do." He looked down at his plate, pushing his food around with his fork.
Sam exhaled sharply. "Boys, one way or another, we all leave this world. That's why we should try to enjoy life and be kind, so that when we leave this world, the ones we leave behind remember us for the good times. Jimmy, babies keep the world going round! Some day, you'll grow up and marry a woman. She'll have your babies. Sometimes, mamas die giving life, but not always. I went to the war. I came home, but some guys didn't. It's a thing of life. Teresa isn't going to die just because she has a baby, but we are all going to die some day. And Stan, stop saying that about your sister. Do you even understand what that means?"
"It's like when a man and woman live together like husband and wife but they're not. I thought that's why papa said it because you're not married."
"Your papa says a lot of cruel things for whatever reason. The first rule of this house is that we don't say, or do, cruel things. Saying your sister is laid up with me implies she's an immoral woman. Do you understand what that means?"
"She's doing something that we learn in church you're not supposed to do."
"That's right. And she hasn't. She shares my bed because she's my wife. We might be saying the words in two weeks for the public, but we've already made the promise to each other. When you're old enough to understand what that means, you will. I don't want to hear you using that phrase again, especially not about your sister. It is not respectful."
"Yes, sir."
"It's just Sam. We're brothers now."
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After she got the boys settled, Sam pulled her into his arms and held her. "Forgive me, sweetheart."
"For what?"
"I lost my temper when I saw Jimmy's injuries. A child doesn't deserve to be beaten like that. He didn't deserve any of that."
She sighed. "He's too little to understand. I was older than he is now when it happened, and I didn't understand. I still don't. I just remember her screams that got softer until they were whimpers, and then, there was silence. They brought Jimmy out and told us she was gone. Papa took off right away, so they put Jimmy in my arms. Tommy stood next to me while I tried to calm Jimmy. He was wailing for mama because he was hungry. Eventually, they sent for Mrs. Sullivan down the street so she could feed him. We stood there and watched as they took her out."
Sam rubbed her back as her tears started to fall. "And Stan. He was so little he wasn't even five yet. When mama went into confinement, she convinced him it was a game of hide and seek. She told him she would come out with his little brother or sister for him to watch over. Until the wake, he was convinced she was just hiding. When he saw her, he asked why we were all watching mama sleep. He started screaming for her to wake up—and we all wanted her to wake up—but he was too little to understand that she wouldn't wake up. Tommy had to take him outside because he started to upset Jimmy. Papa ignored Jimmy, and for a while, so did Stan until Tommy reminded him mama wanted him to watch over his little brother. I don't think papa ever held Jimmy."
Sam just watched with sad eyes as he continued to rub her back. "You were all just children. You took on an entire family, and you were a child lost in grief."
"I wish I were there so that he would've hit me instead of Jimmy. I could have drawn his rage, and he wouldn't have said that to Jimmy. He doesn't understand."
"And that wouldn't have been right either! Like I told that son of a bitch, if he wanted to fight so bad, he should find a man to knock him on his ass."
She looked at him in curiosity as she wiped her eyes. "So what did you do?"
"Let's just say that come tomorrow, him and Jimmy will have matching bruises." Her first instinct was to gasp in horror and ask how he could disrespect papa so. But that thought quickly evaporated when she remembered Jimmy saying he wished he didn't exist.
Without saying a word, she stood and went to the kitchen. Turning on the tap, she prepared a cold cloth. As he held her in his lap and she pressed that cold cloth to his hand, she recalled papa's taunts about Sam not being able to act like a man. She knew more than enough now to understand his implication was that Sam couldn't make love to her for one reason or another. That was far from the truth.
One morning as they laid together, she was curious about why he had such an intense desire for her that he never expressed before. "Why did you never touch me before?"
"Were you ready for that?"
"I don't know, but I was here alone all the time. You had so much opportunity to do what you wanted to me."
"Your happiness is so much more important to me than trying to prove I'm a man. Any man who would take advantage like that is the lowest kind of man. Besides, I never needed to prove I'm a man. I only needed to show you that I loved you, and that I'm the kind of man you could trust and love. If I had done anything like that, we wouldn't have what we share now." He kissed the side of her head.
She knew now that acting like a man was far beyond the act of lovemaking. No, Sam would never hurt her or anyone else just because he could. Sam was honorable, kind, and decent. He was tender and didn't believe in cruelty. He knew how to love and care. Sam's way of acting like a man made her love him.
That night, Sam held her as she cried. She cried her tears of grief for her mama, for her brothers who never really got to know her, for her brothers who never got to know a papa who wasn't miserable, for Tommy, for herself. No one held her to allow her to grieve her mama; there was no time for that. She had a family to care for. She still did, but now, Sam cared for her.
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A week later, Jimmy asked to go to the carnival again. Both she and Sam felt so bad for what papa had said that they agreed she would take him again. Though, she wished she hadn't. It was hotter than hell.
"I hope we get to see Ella again!"
"I can't make any promises, Jimmy."
Sam let her take his car once again. He was taking Kimball with him on tonight's run.
Walking through the tents, she stopped when she saw the Boy Wonder had a show going on. They'd bickered the last time she saw him. She knew even he didn't believe himself a real psychic, but she was still curious about his performance.
"T, let's find Ella!"
"Ok, but I want to see this show." He sighed in frustration. "I can go by myself! I'll come meet you here when I'm done!"
Before she could say absolutely not because she didn't want to be here all day and night and she didn't really remember how to get back to Ella, Jimmy had run off. She just shrugged and entered the tent. Front and center was Patrick Jane. He had a woman on stage, claiming he was talking to her dead grandmother. While she knew it was crap, she was glad Jimmy wasn't here. Even if he knew psychics weren't real, he might try to get him to commune with mama.
She watched the man with golden curls work. There were lots of women of all ages here. She imagined that had a lot to do with Boy Wonder's boyish good looks. When he spotted her in the audience, his face fell slightly. He looked almost ashamed, but once again, as soon as she registered the look, he winked at her and found another audience member to talk to. He was so strange.
She stayed through the end of his show. As crying women poured out of the tent, she went out around back and waited for him.
"Ah! Miss Lisbon, how did I know I'd find you back here?"
"I don't know." She tapped her fingers on her chin. "Is it because you're a psychic?" He laughed at that.
"Please. You have to let a man run his hustles honestly."
"That seems like two words that don't really go together. And you can just call me Teresa."
He shrugged his shoulders. "Meh. What can I say? What brings you by here again, Teresa?"
"My brother, who's run off to find Ella."
"Ah! So what are you doing?"
"Absolutely nothing."
"Well, I've shown you where the elephant is. Would you like to see more behind the scenes?"
"Sure! Is Madeleine around?"
"She's not singing today. Her daughter is sick."
"She has a daughter?"
He nodded. "And a son. I can take you to see her if you want."
He started walking, and almost on instinct, she started following him.
"So I noticed you're wearing a nice new ring."
She smiled. "I am."
"So Mr. Bosco finally got the courage to—no, you finally accepted, didn't you?"
"How do you know that?" She didn't really want to have this conversation again, but she was curious as to how he knew that.
"He wears his heart on his sleeve. You, however, are more recessive in your passions. You were still on the fence about marrying him until recently."
"Yes."
"Well, congratulations on finally coming around, I suppose."
"Thanks. I think."
Their first stop was Madeleine's family tent. "Hey, Madeleine. I'm here with Teresa Lisbon. Do you want to come out and say hello?"
She poked her head out. "Sure, but please keep your voices down."
"Hello, Miss Lisbon." The woman before her was dressed less flashy than she'd ever seen her. Today, she was dressed simply. Today, she was a mother.
"Madeleine, it's just Teresa! How are you?"
"I can't complain. My Mimi is sick, but kids, you know?"
She nodded her head. "I just wanted to stop in and say hello! You'll be singing at Sam's tomorrow, right?"
"I will."
"Paddy!" A young man in overalls approached them. "Can you come help me move these crates really quick?"
"Sure thing, Danny! Teresa, I'll be back."
"So what brings you by here again? Is it Jimmy?"
She nodded her head. "He's run off to find Ella again."
The other woman laughed knowingly. "Well, come on in."
"Would you like some water?"
"Yes, please!" Madeleine dipped some water out of her jug and into a cup for her. "Thank you."
"So engaged or married already?"
She blushed. "Engaged."
"Are you excited about it?"
That question threw her for a moment. Madeleine was the first person to ask her how she felt about marrying Sam. "I think so. I don't really know how you're supposed to feel about marriage." She still hadn't quite figured that out.
Madeleine flashed her a knowing smile. Even without her flashy attire, she was still a beauty. "That's because it's something we are supposed to do. Are you at least happy with him?"
She blushed. "I am." She was quite happy about the things she'd learned about her body since accepting his proposal.
Madeleine laughed as she adjusted her head scarf. "And not to speak out of turn, but I know what that blush means. Before you try to correct me, I've been married and have two children. I know how these things work. From your blush, I can tell I don't have to say anything about making sure your needs are met."
Her blush deepened before she realized Madeleine was the perfect person to talk to. "You know how it works...could I ask you something?"
"Of course!"
"How do you know if you're expecting? Like how long does it take to know?"
She flashed a knowing smile. "That's a complicated question. Some women say they just know the moment it happens because they feel different. They call it intuition. Other women don't know for a month or two. A good way to figure it out is to track your courses. If your courses don't come and you've been intimate with a man, it's likely you're expecting."
"I see. Do...do you know if it takes a certain number of times?"
"I think it only takes once, but you don't really know when it takes. Do you think you're expecting?"
"I...I don't really know. Maybe? Probably not?" Her deep blush returned. "I probably shouldn't be talking about this."
Madeleine tapped her hand. "Honey, we are both women here. What's on your mind?"
"To be clear, we didn't do anything until we were engaged, which is acceptable!" Well, according to how she and Sam saw things. She learned he interpreted rules a bit loosely sometimes, but it always made sense in the end. Madeleine cocked one of her eyebrows at her, like she saw right through her.
"Oh. Who am I kidding? I didn't really seem important at the time whether it was acceptable." That earned a grin from Madeleine. "I didn't think much about it, until the next morning when I realized I knew nothing about how anything actually worked. Then, I started to worry if I was supposed to know that I was expecting the moment it happened."
Madeleine giggled. "I was similar with my Richard. I was afraid I'd already let my child down. It was two years after we married before Mimi came."
"Where is your husband?"
Madeleine's smile faded. "He died three years ago. We ended up traveling with the circuit not long after that."
"I'm so sorry, Madeleine."
She shrugged. "I miss him every day, and I think of how our children will grow up without him."
"It's hard growing up without a parent. Was there an accident?"
"Miss Lisbon, we are both women-but we are from different worlds. Your husband gets to decide if someone who looks like me gets to sing in his bar; my husband got to decide if going to town for medicine for our sick baby and coming back after dark was worth it."
She'd read about this kind of thing in the papers. She didn't think it was real, especially that people could just get away with it. Though, she realized that Sam paid cops not to arrest him, so it was possible. How could someone just kill another person for simply walking on the road? She didn't know what to say, so she stayed quiet as she just took Madeleine's hand. They sat there quietly for a few moments.
"Do you know about other clubs and bars in Chicago, Miss Lisbon?"
"Not a lot, but I could ask Sam. Are you thinking of staying on in Chicago?"
"I am! I'd like to get the children permanently settled again."
She smiled at the other woman. "Well, if you do, be sure to keep in touch!" Madeleine returned her smile.
"Teresa, Madeleine! I'm back!"
The little girl started to stir. "I should go. Thank you for talking to me, Madeleine. I'll see you tomorrow night?"
"God willing!"
She continued walking the grounds with Patrick, until they got to where Ella was. Unsurprisingly, Jimmy was right there talking to Pete.
"You think he might join us? Pete would probably take him on to tend the animals." The grin on his face made it clear he was joking.
She smiled. "And he would probably send him right back."
"What crazy thing did you want to do when you were a kid?"
"I don't know. Be a kid?" She spoke harshly before she realized her words came out.
"Be a kid? Never wanted to run away to the carnival or anything like that? Just wanted to be a kid?"
She shrugged. "My mama died giving birth to Jimmy when I was 12. I had to quit school. From the time he was an infant, I raised him, took care of my other two brothers, and managed our household. Never really had any help with them until Sam."
"Oh. I'm sorry your parents died."
"My mama died. My papa..."
"I see. If you could choose a crazy thing to do now, what would it be?"
"I don't know. Maybe be one of those girls who dances in competitions?"
He raised his eyebrows. "Do you even dance?"
She laughed. "I guess not! I just didn't have a better answer." That wasn't entirely true. She loved when Sam grabbed her and danced with her around the parlor.
"That's fair."
"You know, I used to want to go on adventures to different places like in all of the books I read."
"That's a good one."
"How about you?"
"It's going to sound silly, but I'd go to school."
"You didn't go to school?"
"Nah. I picked up reading and arithmetic here and there. I wonder what it's like to be around other people your own age."
"I used to wonder that a lot too. When I quit school, and eventually found work, there weren't really people my age around."
"Is that how you met Mr. Bosco?"
She glared at him for a moment. "No, I met him through work. I did actually work for him."
"That was a lie." She raised her eyebrows, as he put his hands up in surrender. "I'm sorry. That was too direct."
She sighed. "I went to work for him—but he wanted to court me."
"Oh, which is why it took you so long to accept his proposal. You weren't really sure about making it official until he charmed you into it?"
She folded her arms. "No."
"But he won your heart? You know people will write songs about you."
She wasn't sure what compelled her, but she reached out and slugged him in the shoulder like she would do one of her brothers. "Ow!"
"Welcome to being around people your own age!"
He laughed at that which made her giggle. Jimmy was still well into whatever conversation he was having with Pete. "Have you ever been on a Ferris wheel?"
"No, I haven't." And she never really wanted to. Spinning around on a wheel in the air? The concept seemed frightening.
"Do you want to go see ours?" He walked her to the Ferris wheel. "Want to go up?"
"I'm not sure. I should probably find Jimmy." The thing looked like a death trap!
"It just goes around once. It will stop twice. Once when you're at the top, and once when it's time to get out." She eyed the monstrous wheel. She didn't know why she cared, but she didn't want him to think her a chicken. "I'll go up with you, if you want."
She mulled that over for a moment. "Ok, fine. I'll go."
She got into the car, which was scary on its own. It didn't seem sturdy enough to be carrying people around a wheel in the air. Patrick slid in next to her, leaving a respectable amount of space between them.
As it climbed into the sky, she held onto the railing. She was terrified to look down. She gripped that railing so tight her knuckles turned white.
"You know, I could show you a trick to take your mind off of how scared you are right now."
"What's that?"
He took her hand into his like Jimmy did sometimes. Her eyes went wide. He was friendly, but that was very forward of him! She wondered what Sam would think of Patrick holding her hand, even if she was scared at the moment.
"See, now you're thinking about how you want to punch me."
She laughed. "No. I'm thinking if Sam were here, he would punch you. Hard."
"Oh please! You don't need Sam Bosco to throw your punches, do you?"
She nodded. "That's true." She brought her free hand over and punched him in the shoulder. They both laughed, and he kept holding her hand anyway.
He held onto her hand when the wheel stopped with them at the top. "Ok, we're stopping now to let more people on at the bottom. It's a good time to look out over the city, make a wish, or whatever you want!"
The breeze did feel nice from up here. They were up there for about ten minutes when she noticed that he looked over the side. "What is it?"
"So I don't want to scare you, but it looks like the wheel may have stopped. It happens sometimes."
"What?!" Panic set in. She had to get Jimmy and get home!
He squeezed her hand. "It's ok. They're working on getting it started again. It will just be a few minutes more. You know, if you want I can hypnotize you."
"What? No. That's not real."
"It is very real, but people commonly misconceive what it is."
"How so?"
"Well, for starters, you can't hypnotize someone and make them do something against their will."
"Like you can't make someone murder if that wasn't already in their heart just because you hypnotize them?"
"Exactly!" And like that, they spent the next 30 minutes or so with him explaining hypnotism and her challenging his assertions until the wheel was moving again.
She sighed a huge sigh of relief when they were moving again. When they got to the bottom, she didn't realize their hands were still clasped until he was pulling her out of the car. Once on the ground, she let go of his hand. She appreciated his comfort in the air, but she could hold her own on the land.
He grinned at her. "So you survived the wheel!"
"And I don't think I'll ever do that again! I think I'm more of a land kind of girl. I need to go find Jimmy. I've got to get home to start supper."
"Yeah, I'll take you back to Pete's." He escorted her back to the elephants. Apparently, Jimmy had sat down against a tree and fallen asleep right there—not far from where Ella was sleeping. He looked so peaceful. Maybe he would run off and join the carnival some day.
"Do you want me to carry him out to your automobile?"
"Would you mind?"
He shook his head. "After getting you stuck on the Ferris wheel, it's the least I can do!"
She smiled. He carried Jimmy to the automobile and sat him inside.
"Thanks, Patrick."
"Not a problem, Teresa. Take care. Perhaps I'll see you tomorrow."
"Hmm?"
"Madeleine is singing at your bar tomorrow night."
"Oh right! Perhaps I'll see you then!" He waved to her as she drove away. He was very sweet, and it was nice to have a friend her age. Though, if she'd met him before Sam...she just filed that thought away.
A/N 2: I wanted to highlight a change I made from canon. Several changes were necessary for this fic, but I had Lisbon's mother die in childbirth instead of in a car accident because (1) it was SUPER common, (2) I'm not sure a drunk driving incident in the 1920s carries the same emotional impact (in terms of the trauma to the family-it's still horrific and sad), and (3) it fits the dynamics of this story a little bit better in terms of why Lisbon is who she is and how she acts. Thanks for reading!
