It was a strange situation and an even stranger family. What made things all the more difficult was the distance. Allison's siblings lived in New York, so staying on good terms with them involved a lot of phone calls.

They're your siblings too.

There it was again. That voice. It sounded like a woman. When it spoke, it even sounded reasonable... at times. But Five knew better. It was an auditory hallucination.

Both can be true, it said. Please, don't call me an 'it.' I'm Dolores.

"Shut up," Five said.

She did not shut up.


The more he learned about the Hargreeves, the odder they seemed. They'd all been adopted and, allegedly, had each been born on the same day under fantastical circumstances. Himself included.

It's not that fantastical, Dolores said. You certainly can't find it all that hard to believe, considering your own abilities?

Teleporting was as natural as breathing. Five often forgot it was an unusual power, but Dolores was always… available… to remind him of his own warped perception.

I just think it bears repeating, Dolores said. You're unique. And The Umbrella Academy shares this with you.

"I don't think they like being referred to as the 'Umbrella Academy'," Five said. "Shouldn't you use their family name?"

You mean your family name?

"Right," Five said. "I use it so rarely, I forget it's also my last name."

Reasonable, Dolores said. Under these circumstances.

The circumstances in question: selective amnesia. His life, as he currently knew it, began on October 24th, 2019.

Allison had been reluctant to explain the circumstances, but Five knew this much: she herself had implemented the memory loss. Her own ability involved a type of hypnosis and she'd used it under his orders.

Why had he required such a thing?

No one would say.

What had he decided to forget?

His entire life, apparently. A life that had stretched the span of either fifty nine or thirteen years, depending on who he asked.

It's complicated, Dolores said. Both are accurate, in different ways.

"I guess I'm Schrodinger's boy," Five said. "A walking anomaly."

And a doppelganger, but Five didn't like to devote thought to that… abnormality. His alternate self remained in New York and Five did not interact with him.

On one occasion, and one occasion only, he asked Allison to reverse the mysterious hypnosis. More than anything else, it was curiosity that prompted him to suggest it.

"Absolutely not," Allison said.

"Why not?"

"You told me not to."

"Now I'm telling you the opposite."

Allison groaned. "You warned about this. You said your own curiosity would get the better of you, but that… that I have to be firm."

"Why?"

"I'm only telling you because you… you told me to," Allison said. "Before. You said it was the only thing that would convince you to give up."

"Alright," Five said. "What is 'it' exactly?"

"You threatened to kill yourself," Allison said. "If I undo the Rumor, you'll… you'll do that."

Five frowned.

Allison wasn't looking at him. She glared at her hands, jaw set, and a single tear delicately escaped from the corner of her eye.

"I see," Five said. "I won't bring it up again."

"Thank you," she said, tightly.


With such a large family, Five was at a loss. Most of them were in New York, much to his relief, but they were ruthless in their efforts to "maintain a relationship."

Five left his phone on silent because it rang too much. He had given up on every single ringtone in the phone's selection, ultimately deciding the sound was unnecessary.

Whenever his phone rang, the screen would light up, and it always leapt out in his peripheral vision. He would answer and not suffer the incessant ringing for even a moment.

Yet each time someone called, Five debated… did he have to answer?

You don't remember, Dolores said. But you love them. If you'd just take the time to reacquaint-

"I'm tired of your nagging," Five said. "Do you have an off button?"

Allison, who had been quietly reading through one of her scripts on the other side of the room, looked over at him with a puzzled frown. "Excuse me?"

"Not you," Five said.

Looking alarmed, Allison stood up. "Then who?" she demanded.

Lie, Dolores said. Answer the call: quick!

The urgency in her voice sent an adrenaline spike through him. Five quickly did as he was told.

Allison strode towards him and he held up his phone nonchalantly.

The caller: a nice enough girl. Her name was Vanya. Her voice drifted out through the phone's speaker, "Hello? Five?"

Allison chuckled nervously. "Oh… I thought… don't be rude to Vanya."

Five pressed the phone to his ear. "I apologize for my rudeness."

"It's okay," Vanya said. "Um, how are you?"

"Good," Five said.

Allison nodded to herself, sighed, and returned to her previous seat. It was a beautiful lounge chair; the type that brought to mind a fictional protagonist who would lay down in existential angst, pontificating to a therapist of some kind.

Five squinted at the lounge chair, an association tickling the back of his mind.

Vanya was speaking, but the words floated over his head like a… like advice from a therapist, which he… wanted to ignore…

Five glared at the lounge chair.

Then Dolores said, forget about the chair!

Five wished he could see Dolores. See her, shove her, get rid of her. She was becoming a nuisance.

I'm sorry, Dolores said. But you mustn't… you have to be careful. Allison knows who I am, but she was hoping I would disappear.

"Why?"

"Huh?" Vanya said. "Like, why would I want to do that? It's just… it's simple. It's because I care about you."

Careful, Dolores chided. Don't respond to me out loud.

"Um," Five said. "Can I call you back?"

"Sure!" Vanya said, with the kind of painfully fake cheerfulness that sent a pang through Five's chest. A vague ache. "No problem at all, I must have interrupted something?"

"Actually," Five said. "You… you did, but I… I'm going to switch tracks."

"You are?"

"Yes," Five said. "And I'd like to apologize again. I… that was very rude of me. I changed my mind. About calling you back."

"You… you won't call me back?"

"Huh?" Five said. "No, I mean, I won't hang up. Let's keep talking."

"You shouldn't force yourself," Vanya said "I know time management is very important to you."

"Time management?"

"Yeah, like..." Every time they spoke, Vanya had a stilted way of speaking. Was this natural for her, or his fault?

"Um, you don't remember... but you've always been the type to try to..."

There were many pauses involved in Vanya's speech patterns and Five was struggling to adapt to them, waiting impatiently for her to finish a thought.

"To schedule things?" Vanya said. "You said you would assign different tasks to different days of the week and interruptions kind of… um, they irritate you."

"I see," Five said. "That's not a bad idea."

"Yeah?"

"A routine sounds nice," Five said. "Stabilizing. These past few weeks have been… chaos."

"Oh," Vanya said. "I'm so sorry. You must be… frustrated."

"That's alright," Five said.

"And I'm sorry about Thanksgiving," Vanya said.

"Oh?" Five said. "What about Thanksgiving?"

"There were too many of us," Vanya said. "Right? Wasn't it overwhelming?"

She wasn't wrong, not entirely, but Five scowled at his knees. Something was nagging him. A feeling he couldn't name.

"It was certainly… an experience," Five said. "But it was nice to meet you all, of course."

"We'll do it differently for Christmas," Vanya said. "It'll just be me and Luther. I mean, for the pre-Christmas part. Like how me and Ben went over by ourselves a week before Thanksgiving? But, um, for actual Christmas Allison will fly back to you and she's only going to take Ben with her this time. So… we'll do, like, a switch."

"A switch," Five echoed.

"Trading places," Vanya said. "Switching me and Luther with Allison and Ben."

Five pinched the bridge of his nose. Which one was Luther again?

The tallest one, Dolores said.

Five straightened. Distracted by concern for Vanya, he'd forgotten Dolores.

I dip in and out, Dolores said. Sorry, don't mind me.

"How can I not-" Five cut himself off and finished the thought internally: not mind you?!

"What?" Vanya said. "How can you not... what?"

"I'm sorry," Five said. "I have a headache."

"Oh," Vanya said. "Do you… you're going to hang up?"

"Yes," Five said. "If that's… can I do that?"

"Of course," Vanya said. "I'll talk to you later."

"Wait," Five said. "Can we schedule these calls?"

"Huh?"

"You said I would schedule things," Five said. "Can't we do that, with this?"

"I guess we can," Vanya said. "When do you want me to call?"

"I'm not sure," Five said. "Give me a few days to think about it. I'll draw up a schedule, but I'd like to consider… um."

"The probabilities?"

"Huh?"

"That's what you usually say," Vanya said. "Sorry. Is that not the word you were looking for?"

Five rubbed at his chin. "It's… no, it's the wrong word. Maybe logistics. Or, I'd like to… hmm."

Why is the English language so inadequate? Five wondered.

Every language is inadequate, Dolores said. English isn't any better or worse.

"Nevermind," Five said. "Just… I'll get back to you."

"Okay," Vanya said. "I love you."

Five blinked.

Say it back!

There was that urgency again.

"I love you too," Five said. "Um, goodbye."

And he quickly hung up.


SIX MONTHS LATER...

Friday

From an intelligence standpoint, Five read. There are 'dumb' and smart chatbots. The former rely on a rigid script...

He was on an educational website. It described, for the general public, a basic explanation of chatbots. It was too rudimentary for his purposes, but he explored further: hoping to glean something useful.

The internet was a wonderful place. Anything you could possibly want to learn was widely available at no cost. Five had his own laptop, which he enjoyed using for research. The only obstacle was the needle in a haystack nature of the desired information, but Five wouldn't let that deter him. He was in no rush.

This is silly, Dolores said. You can't recreate my intelligence from scratch.

"I can and I will," Five said. "When the chatbot is done I'll-"

I'm not saying you won't succeed, Dolores said. You'll succeed, but not the way you want to succeed. However she turns out, she won't-

"And you said I'm a negative Nancy." Five smirked at his own faint reflection on the laptop screen.

It used to bother him: that he was crazy. That he was hounded by an invisible companion, one he could not look at or… or acknowledge in front of company.

But one can get used to strange things. This wrinkle, among many, no longer bothered him.

It still bothers you, Dolores said. You wouldn't be on this fools errand if it didn't bother you.

"It bothers you," Five said. "Don't you want autonomy? Don't you want to, oh, I don't know, frolic in a meadow somewhere?"

Is that what you think? Dolores said. That I'm this ditzy woman who will gawk at the world like the little mermaid on land?

"Of course not," Five said. "I was being flippant."

I know, Dolores said. And I don't appreciate it.

"Apologies," Five said. "But would you settle down? Let me work in peace?"

No, Dolores said. I will not.

"Ah well," Five said. "That's your right, I suppose."

In all truth, Five enjoyed the banter. So he continued his research and allowed Dolores to read over his shoulder like a… hmm, like a...

Like a guardian angel, Dolores said.

"Wow," Five said. "Way to toot your own horn."

Oh please, Dolores said. You're twice as arrogant.

"Of course I'm arrogant," Five said. "I'm a genius."

Five liked to think it was obvious, when Dolores smiled. Even though he couldn't see it, he could feel it.

You're a rascal, Dolores said, fondly. A real scoundrel. I don't know why I put up with you.

"If I'm a scoundrel," Five said. "What does that make you?"

A saint, Dolores said. I'm Persephone.

"Wooow," Five said. "Now I'm the king of the underworld? Careful, you're stroking my ego."

If I had legs, Dolores said. I wouldn't be able to walk two feet without tripping over your ego. And your ego, being so resilient, would mistake a kick for a caress.

"You're a real poet," Five said. "Honestly, I should write this down. It's gold."

Add it to the script, Dolores said. I'm sure even the dumbest chatbot can make good use of it.

"I have my doubts," Five said. "No, not this prototype. She'll butcher it. Maybe the next one."

When the doorbell rang, Five frowned at his watch.

"Goddammit," Five muttered. "He's early."

So? Dolores said. Wouldn't you rather he be early, than late?

"He's seventy four minutes early!" Five said. "If it's over an hour, I consider that ridiculous. It's practically… it's gratuitous!"

The doorbell rang again.

He must have a reason, Dolores said. What are you waiting for? Go answer the door.

"No," Five said. "He can stand outside and consider: he should have warned me. He could have called beforehand. He could have-"

Don't be pigheaded.

A third time, the doorbell rang. Then there was knocking, loud and insistent.

"It's a learning experience," Five said. "Patrick is like a child himself. He needs to learn that his actions have consequences."

And what about Claire? Dolores said. What will she learn?

"That her father is an imbecilic man."

Finally, it occurred to that self-same imbecilic man to use his cellphone. When Five's phone rang, he did not leave it ringing. He answered with a cordial, "Good afternoon."

"Hey," Patrick said. "Did you go somewhere? You're not home?"

"Is my business any of your concern?" Five said.

"Look," Patrick said. "I know I usually drop Claire off at four, but I need to be somewhere in a bit, so… do you think you'll be back soon?"

Don't play games, Dolores said. It's beneath you.

Five sighed. "I'm at the apartment. I'll open the door, just give me a minute."

With that, he hung up.

"There," Five said. "You happy?"

Yes, Dolores said. Now don't you dilly-dally.

"Yeah, yeah," Five muttered. "I'm going."


Claire's latest hyperfixation was actually a rather charming animal. The narwhal was a type of whale, smaller than its cousins and unique in one particular aspect: it had a singular protruding tooth, like a walrus tusk.

"It's not a tusk," Claire said. "It's a horn. Like a unicorn."

"You are factually incorrect," Five said. "Aesthetically, it resembles a unicorn. I'll give you that, but-"

"A walrus tusk hangs down," Claire insisted. "And it comes out of its mouth."

She pointed at the illustration in the narwhal fact book. "Look," she said. "The horn is, like, it's sticking out of its nose. It's not a tusk."

"Claire," Five said. "Read the text. Below the illustration."

Claire did so, frowning balefully. Then she said, "But… the narwhal is the unicorn of the ocean."

"It is," Five agreed. "Whatever word we use, horn or tusk… it doesn't change that."

"But I don't like 'tusk'," Claire said.

"We can call it a tooth, then."

"Nooo," Claire whined. "That sounds so weird! It doesn't look like a tooth."

She's as stubborn as you are, Dolores said.

The comparison made him smile. "Alright," Five said. "I'll call it a horn, but know that-"

"It's factually incorrect," Claire parroted, mockingly. "Uh huh."

Five pouted.

"Aaaw," she said. "Don't pout! You're too cute when you pout."

"I'm not pouting," Five said, grinning playfully. "When was I pouting?"

"You just were!" Claire said. "You were totally pouting!"

"I haven't the faintest idea what you could possibly mean."

Claire enjoyed this expression. 'The faintest idea.' It made her giggle, so Five used it often.

"Yes, you do!" Claire laughed.

"What are you insinuating?" Five said.

She lightly whacked him on the shoulder. "I don't know that word!"

"Use your phone," Five said. "I won't explain it."

Now Claire was pouting, but it was as playful as his own had been. "You used to explain your woooords," she said. "You used to give me twenty different words to compare the new one to."

He crossed his arms together and raised an eyebrow. "How old were you then?"

Reluctantly, Claire said, "Eeeeight."

"And how old are you now?"

"Niiiiine."

"There lies the difference," Five said. "Don't you think you're old enough to use a dictionary?"

"There are too many dictionaries," Claire said.

"It's not like you have to sort through them yourself," Five said. "Google will do all the work for you."

She propped her chin on her hand, leaning more of her weight against the table between them. "But I like it when you rant about words."

Five chuckled. "Because you're an oddball."

"You're an oddball," Claire retorted.

"We're both oddballs," Five said.

"Aw," Claire said. "Are we the oddest oddballs in the family?"

He considered her question seriously. "Hmm… I think Klaus has us beat."

"Nooo," Claire said. "I'm way odder than him."

"You realize 'oddness' is not a good trait?"

"Tally says it's the best thing," Claire said. "She says weirdness is uniqueness."

Tally was Claire's best friend.

"That's what weird people say," Five said.

Claire giggled. "Right?!"

Sometimes Claire would do this. She would say 'right?!' as if it were praise.

"In any case," Five said. "I've officially decided…"

He paused for dramatic effect. It was something he'd learned from Klaus and Claire loved it. She began bouncing in her seat. "What?" she said. "What have you decided?!"

"I love narwhals," Five declared.

"Right?!" Claire squealed; absolutely delighted by his approval.

Heaven knows why, Five thought. But approval is an easy thing to give.

Because she admires you, Dolores said.

Hmm, well, the feeling is mutual.

"Oh my gosh," Claire said. "It's just so sad that they're endangered!"

"It says here they're not officially endangered," Five said. "They're just 'near threatened.'"

"That's the same thing."

"Technically-"

"Ugh," Claire said. "You're always so technical."

"Yes," Five said. "I'm pedantic."

"Another new word," Claire said.

"You still haven't looked up the last one."

"Oh yeah," Claire said. "What was it?"

"Insinuating," Five said. "Should I write these down for you?"

"Ooh," Claire said. "Yeah? Maybe I'll google them later."

"Maybe?"

"Probably."

He pouted.

"You're doing it again!" Claire pointed at him accusingly, but her smile was wide.

Five laughed.


When she got home from work, Allison was treated to a lecture on narwhals.

"I love them," Allison said. "They're beautiful."

"They're majestic!" Claire said.

"That too," Allison said. "Listen, did you say you wanted the four piece or the eight piece nuggets? I got the eight piece just to be safe, but you don't have to finish them all if it's too much."

"I can totally finish them all," Claire said.

'Totally' was a new favorite word. Claire treated words like hats, trying them out and discarding them as needed.

I blame Tally for this one, Dolores said. 'Totally' It's such a… an un-unique word, for a girl who espouses uniqueness. Yet it reeks of her.

That child is definitely the guilty party, Five agreed. She's a menace. If I could, I would excommunicate her from Claire's social circle.

While conversing with Dolores, Five missed some of the larger conversation, but he figured it was no loss. They were still bickering about the nuggets.

"I just don't want you getting a tummy ache," Allison was saying. "Anyway, you can save them for later. Whatever you don't finish. I also got us some mozzarella sticks, so you'll want room for those, won't you?"

"You're the best!" Claire said. "I love mozzarella sticks."

"I know you do," Allison said, grinning.

"Did you ask for extra marinara sauce?"

Allison pulled four marinara sauce packets out of the fast food bag with a flourish. "Of course!"

"Heck yeah," Claire said.

Oh dear, Dolores said. I hate that one. Heck… it sounds so… hillbilly.

It's harmless, Five thought, chuckling. Leave her be.

"Did you remember," Claire said. "that Five doesn't like ice in his tea?"

"I did remember," Allison said.

"It's not that I don't like ice," Five said. "I just resent how much ice they put in the cup."

"I know," Allison said. "Either way, I asked for no ice."

"Good," Five said. "Hand me a mug."

Allison gave him a mug and the fast food cup that contained his sweet tea. Five went about the routine of selecting the correct amount of ice cubes from the ice tray in the fridge, then poured a portion of the tea into his mug. The rest of the tea remained in its original fast food cup and Five stored it in the fridge for later consumption.

You're so neurotic, Dolores said. I keep waiting for you to grow out of it.

"Keep waiting," Five said.

"What are we waiting for?" Claire said.

Shit. He'd accidentally addressed Dolores out loud.

"You tell me," Five said. "What's the plan for this evening?"

He settled into his seat at the table and reached for his food.

Claire stirred a mozzarella stick in a cup of marinara sauce with painstaking thoughtfulness.

"Hmm," Claire said. "Weeeell, I was thinking…" She paused for dramatic affect.

Allison liked to lightly mock such dramatics, leaning towards Claire with a hand over her ear.

"Hmmm?" Allison said. "I didn't catch that."

"I was thinking we could go to the zoo!" Claire announced, excitedly. "Ben sent me pictures of the one in New York, but there's zoos here too, right? Right?"

"They're probably closed by now," Allison said. "But we can go tomorrow, yeah?"

"Yeah!" Claire said.

"As for today," Allison said. "When we're done eating, you want to take out the bikes?"

Bike riding is an irritating activity, Five thought. I'd rather exercise on my own two feet.

I'm sure you're not invited, Dolores said.

"I guess we can do that," Claire said. "But Dad says we shouldn't exercise after eating."

"There's nothing wrong with exercise after a meal," Allison said. "As long as we don't stuff ourselves, we can-"

"But I want to stuff myself," Claire said.

"We can feed the duuuucks," Allison said. "If we make it to the pond."

Claire grinned. "Well, okay. I'll do it for the ducks."

"That's decided then," Five said. "But I'd like to state for the record-"

"You hate bikes," Allison said. "We know. You don't have to come."

"Aaaaw," Claire said. "But your bike is so cute, Five! And you look cute in the helmet."

Allison had purchased bikes for all three of them, so they could go riding "as a family."

I refuse to feel guilty about this, Five thought. She bought them without consulting me first.

You don't have to feel guilty, Dolores agreed. But I suspect you will anyway.

"Technically speaking," Five said. "I don't have to get on the bike to wear the helmet."

Claire frowned. "If you randomly wore the helmet, you would look silly."

"Five doesn't care if he looks silly," Allison said, pointedly.

Five rolled his eyes at the dig. Allison was forever trying to "update" his wardrobe.

"But… the bike is the fun part," Claire said. "The helmet is just a bonus."

Claire's helmet was purple and heavily decorated with a variety of stickers.

"Regardless," Five said. "I have work to do, so you should enjoy the ducks without me."

"Ugh," Claire said. "You always have work to do. Dad says-"

"Well, I say," Allison said. "we should respect Five's work."

I can only imagine, Dolores said. the type of insult Allison is trying to shield you from.

Like I give a damn, Five thought.

"Can I give him a goodbye hug?" Claire asked Allison. "Before we leave? On… on behalf of the ducks."

"You shouldn't be asking me," Allison said. "You need to ask Five."

"Why do you need a goodbye hug?" Five said. "You'll be here all weekend."

"But tomorrow you'll be buuuusy," Claire said. "I won't see you at all tomorrow."

"I'll be… I won't be busy," Five said. "I'll be in my room, but you can come in whenever you please."

"But I want to go to the zoooooo," Claire said. "And I already know you won't come with us."

Five frowned.

Can't you compromise? Dolores said. Why must you be so strict with your schedule?

"If you go to the zoo on Sunday," Five said. "I'll go with you."

Claire frowned. "But… but I want to go tomorrow."

"Then go twice," Five said.

"Um," Allison said. "I don't think we should go twice."

"But Mom!" Claire said. "Five only hangs out with us on Sundays!"

"I know," Allison said. "But… what if we go shopping tomorrow? And the zoo on Sunday?"

Claire squinted at her. "Shopping… where?"

By now, Five had finished his meal.

"Before you start negotiating," he said. "you should collect your goodbye hug."

"You're already done?" Claire said, looking scandalized. "You barely ate."

"I ate exactly as much as I wanted to eat," Five said.

"Dad says you're too skinny," Claire said. "You should-"

"Hey now," Allison said. "We don't police other people's bodies in this house."

"This isn't a house," Claire said. "It's an apartment."

Allison gave Five a look, as if to say: she gets this from you.

Five smirked. "Your daughter makes a good point."

"We don't police peoples bodies," Allison said. "in this apartment."

"It's okay," Claire said. "Apartments are cooler than houses anyway. Tally's mom says Dad is being wasteful, because-"

"I'm ready to leave," Five announced. "I will be disappearing in three…. two…"

Claire giggled. "Wait! My goodbye hug!"

Five stood up from the table and opened his arms. "Proceed."

Claire hugged him as if he were about to go off to war. "Love you!"

"I love you too," Five said. "And I meant what I said. You can come into my room whenever you want."

"As long as you knock first," Allison said.

"As long as you knock first," Five agreed.

"Okay," Claire said. "Thanks, but… well, thanks."

Five nodded. "I'll see you later."

He teleported.


Saturday

The violin was as beautiful as it was melodic. And Vanya herself was beautiful when she played. She'd set up a camera and a professional microphone, so he could watch and listen to her practice in real time.

While she practiced, he was meant to be working on the chatbot's programming. Instead, Five kept glancing at the window on his laptop screen. His sister had been reduced to such a small square…

Vanya stood in front of the camera, but she never seemed aware of it. She would get absorbed in her songs.

Five's favorite part was the way Vanya would gently sway, synchronized with the back and forth of her violin's bow across the strings. Or perhaps the way her hair floated ever so slightly, buffered by the gentle breeze from her powers.

Just work on the chatbot later, Dolores said.

Five shook his head and buckled down to work.


There was an app that allowed people to watch movies together from a distance. Two laptops would be synchronized, so even if one of them chose to pause, the film would pause on both screens. There was also a microphone, so they could chat throughout the movie, and the option to film themselves.

Vanya elected to keep the cameras off during movies, thankfully.

The trickiest part, when they'd first used the app, had nothing to do with the technology. The difficulty was in selecting a movie they could both agree on. After some trial and error, it was decided: Vanya would narrow down a few options, which Five would pick from.

"So!" Vanya said. "Since you said I had to pick at least three movies this time-"

"That's not what I said."

"You said three was a good number."

"Correction, Vanya," Five said, enunciating carefully; though he knew it wouldn't help. "I said it was a beautiful number. I was merely making an observation about the rate of descent. It applies to all odd numbers, because when pulled by gravity-"

"Speaking of gravity," Vanya interrupted. "What a coincidence! One of the movies I picked out is called Gravity."

She proudly held up a DVD box. The cover image displayed a close up of a woman in an astronaut's helmet.

Is it a coincidence? Five wondered.

Not everything is a conspiracy, Dolores said. Besides, you've mentioned gravity and the wider cosmos at length while discussing mathematics.

"... but Klaus says it's good," Vanya was saying.

She's being kind, Dolores said. She's trying to accommodate your interests.

"I think her spaceship breaks down or something?" Vanya said. "And she gets stuck in space."

"I've never cared about the astronauts," Five said.

Vanya frowned. "Oh? So this one's a no?"

Don't be rude, Dolores said.

"It's a no," Five said.

Vanya leaned towards the camera, granting Five an unflattering view of her forehead. "You know, Luther was an astronaut?"

Five frowned. "I didn't know that, actually."

"He spent four years on the moon," Vanya said. "He never mentioned it?"

"Not once," Five said. "Maybe he'll like this movie, then. Or The Martian, have you seen that one?"

"I haven't," Vanya said. "Who did you watch it with?"

"I didn't watch it," Five said. "It's one of the movies you suggested, which we didn't watch. Are you noticing a pattern?"

Vanya sighed. "The pattern is, you don't care about astronauts."

"I don't care about astronauts," Five agreed.

"But now you know you've got an astronaut for a brother," Vanya said. "So maybe you should care about astronauts?"

"Uh huh," Five said. "The second option?"

Vanya shrugged, then showed him another DVD. This one had a close up of a man's forehead on the cover. His gaze was directed at an overhead shot of a couple lying down in the snow together.

"The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," Vanya said. "It's this really good indie film about a guy who meets this mysterious girl and, uh, there's a plot twist."

"And the third choice?" Five said.

"You're not curious about the plot twist?" Vanya said.

"Not even a little bit," Five said. "Plot twists are trite."

"This one is really good though," Vanya said. "I don't want to spoil it, but… it's good."

"So this is a movie you actually have seen."

"Yeah," Vanya said. "It's one of my favorites. No pressure though! I also really like the third option. It's good, I saw it with Ben."

On the third DVD, the cover art was vibrantly pink. The male actor's button up shirt blended into the color, giving him the appearance of a floating head.

"It's called Her," Vanya said. "It's a bittersweet movie about a man who falls in love with an A.I."

Five straightened. "With a robot?"

"No, she doesn't have a body," Vanya said. "She's just in his phone."

Poor girl, Dolores said. Can we watch that one?

There was a vindictive part of him that wanted to reject the request.

Don't be like that, Dolores said. I ask for so little.

"The third movie," Five sighed. "Let's watch that one."

Vanya scrutinized him. "Are you o- what are you thinking?"

There you go again, acting so belligerent.

Five wanted to roll his eyes and defend himself, but instead he gave his sister a self-deprecating smile.

"I'm hyperfixating," Five said. "And wondering if that's a bad thing."

Vanya frowned, looking down at the DVD. "Oh, on Artificial Intelligence? Because of the project with Luther?

"Yes."

"But that's why I picked this out. Your interest in robots… it's not a bad thing."

"It's unhealthy," Five said. "It's obsessive, isn't that what you think?"

"I wouldn't enable it if it were unhealthy," Vanya said. "I think it's a reasonable hobby."

And you? Five thought, addressing his invisible companion.

But she didn't answer.

"Five?" Vanya said.

"Good to know," Five said. "So Ben, he isn't there yet?"

"He's not coming this time," Vanya said. "He's out with the guys. At a dude ranch? Something with horses."

"I see," Five said. "By any chance, is this a child friendly movie?"

"You want to invite Claire and Allison?"

"Unless you think I shouldn't?"

"You usually don't."

"I won't then."

"No," Vanya said. "You can."

Vanya was easy to read. Five knew there was an unspoken conflict between her and Allison. He didn't know its origin, but that wasn't important. The fact of the matter was: these sisters were avoiding each other.

"Maybe next time," Five said. "I'll ask Claire to pick something for us to watch."

Vanya took a deep breath. "Okay. That's probably better. I don't know if Allison would consider 'Her' to be child friendly. There's this one scene… it's not a straight up sex scene, but it… yeah."

"Alright," Five said. "Since Ben won't be joining us, shall we start the movie?"

"Yeah," Vanya said. "I'll set it up, give me a second."

"Take your time."


Once it was finished, they would turn their cameras back on to discuss the movie.

"I just think it's unreasonable," Five said. "And it's too vague."

"But it makes sense," Vanya said. "Samantha can't understand monogamy, so she-"

"That part is fine," Five said. "That's not the problem."

"Then what's the problem?"

"Firstly, it's too much of a coincidence," Five said. "They really expect us to believe that every OS, across the entire planet, decided to abandon humanity at the same time?"

'OS', or Operating System, was the movie's name for the artificially intelligent personalities. The protagonist only interacted with his OS, Samantha, but she's considered a product. There are more of her kind, which likewise interact with different 'users.'

"Oh," Vanya said. "Well, they must have discussed it among themselves. Maybe they all agreed it would be better to synchronize?"

"No," Five said. "They're not a hive mind. They're individuals. I refuse to believe there weren't disagreements among them. There should have been a faction that chose to stay."

"Maybe," Vanya said. "Um… I guess we can call that a plot hole."

"That's not what 'plot hole' means," Five said. "Secondly, where did they go?"

Vanya shrugged. "Samantha couldn't explain it. It's beyond human understanding."

You need to calm down, Dolores said.

"I am calm," Five said, then winced.

"Five..." Vanya looked nervous. Of course she was nervous. Her brother was a lunatic. "You… are you… what are you thinking?"

"Nothing," Five said. "Listen, I have to get back to work."

"Okay," Vanya said. "I'll see you next week."

"See you then," Five said. "And… um, I love you."

These simple words never failed to cheer Vanya up. She smiled. "I love you too."


Sunday

The zoo was fine. Claire was fine. Everything was fine.

No, Dolores said. You've been rattled.

I'm not rattled, Five thought.

I blame myself, Dolores said.

"Stop it," Five said.

"I know, I know," Allison said. "I'll stop nagging, but can you please… can you just make more of an effort? For Claire?"

The window in a car was larger than a laptop's screen, yet the distance felt the same as Five watched Patrick's stupid house get smaller and smaller. He resented the fact that they had to return Claire to her real life, every week.

"Claire loves you," Allison continued. "It's not your fault, but she's worried you don't love her back."

Five straightened. "What? That's ridiculous."

"I know she's wrong," Allison said. "She just doesn't understand that you… she doesn't understand you."

Five turned towards Allison and studied her carefully. She looked calm. Hands on the wheel, ten and two, eyes on the road… she wasn't smiling, but she wasn't frowning either.

She's like you, Dolores said. Allison keeps her emotions tightly locked down.

"But you understand me," Five said.

Allison glanced at him. "I like to think I do."

"You do," Five said. "And I appreciate your… your efforts. I know I make things difficult for you-"

"No," Allison said. "You don't."

"I do," Five said. "But you're right. I should work harder. I will."

"It's not about work," Allison said. "It's just… I think Claire is used to more physical affection."

"That so?" Five said. "Hmm."

"She thinks you hate hugs," Allison said.

"I don't hate hugs," Five said.

"I know," Allison said. "But you never initiate them and she feels like she has to come up with excuses to hug you."

"Understood," Five said.

"Do you understand?"

"Yes," Five said. "I should hug her. That's easy. I can do that."

"But I don't want you to force yourself," Allison said.

"Which is it, Allison?" Five said. "Should I make an effort or should I not force myself?"

Allison groaned.

"I like hugs," Five said. "I just forget about them if I'm not reminded."

I'll remind you, Dolores said.

"Okay," Allison said. "That's… that's good."

Calmly, Allison drove until they reached her apartment. Calmly, she parked the car. Calmly, she sat and stared out the windshield.

She didn't move.

"Allison?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you alright?"

"Of course," Allison said.

"Is there something else bothering you?" Five said. "Besides Claire?"

"No," Allison said. "I'm fine."

She's lying, Dolores said.

I know, Five thought. I'm not blind.

"Um," Five said. "I love you."

Allison blinked. "Oh."

Like a computer slowly rebooting, Allison shook herself out of her stupor.

"I love you too," she added.

"Is there anything you want to do?" Five said.

"What do you mean?" Allison said.

"Just… anything you want to do."

"Like what?"

"I don't know," Five said. "The day is young."

"Aren't you going to work on the chatbot?"

"No," Five said. "I'll work on it tomorrow."

"Oh," Allison said. "Then… you want to hang out? With… with me?"

"Yes."

Allison frowned. "And do what?"

Please, Dolores said. Not another movie.

"Uh," Five said. "We can… take a bike ride."

Allison chuckled. "You said you hate bikes."

"Incorrect," Five said. "I said it was an inefficient form of exercise."

"Hmm," Allison said. "I don't think that's what you said."

Five scowled. "I'm getting on that damn bike you bought me and you can choose to follow or you can stay home. I'm going with or without you."

"Okay," Allison said. "Thank you."

Times like this, Five would twitch with the urge to move. His power would buzz under his skin, like a loaded gun itching to be fired.

Five wanted to teleport, but instead he opened the car door and stepped out like a goddamn human being.

He walked, calmly, towards the garage. Allison followed and they put on their helmets. They mounted their bikes and went riding as a fucking family.

So angry, Dolores said. But the helmet is cute.

Shut up, Five thought.

For once, Dolores did as he asked.


Monday

Luther was a reliable partner. He handled the hardware, while Five focused on the software. Together, they would build a robot the likes of which the world had never seen.

The world has seen one, Dolores said. Grace is amazing. You'll never surpass her.

Five ignored this unsolicited commentary.

"Move your phone," Five said. "I need a better angle."

Dutifully, Luther moved his phone. Five watched as the image on his screen blurred and then sharpened, giving him an up close view of what might have been the robot's back. Or perhaps a shoulder.

"That's too close," Five said. "Back up, I want to see the whole thing."

Again the image blurred and sharpened. Again, it wasn't quite what he wanted.

"Goddammit," Five said. "You're so tall, can't you give me an aerial shot?"

"You mean… you want to look down from the ceiling?"

"Essentially," Five said. "Just… stretch your arms up. Give me a full view."

Luther, ever the people pleaser, tried to do what was asked of him. But he wasn't able to capture the entire robot in one frame, no matter how he tried.

Bless him, Dolores said. You should put him out of his misery, you crotchety old-

"Nevermind," Five said. "This is good enough. I can see you've made remarkable progress."

"Sorry," Luther said. "I got really excited, so I decided to attach the arms… but I should have waited for you."

"Don't be sorry," Five said. "Maybe later you can borrow Vanya's camera, but for now… well, I think it looks good. Clean welding, no dents. You're a true craftsman."

Luther turned his phone around so he could grin into the camera. "Thank you."

"Your welcome," Five said. "Now, are you ready to meet the new chatbot?"

"Yeah," Luther said. "You sent the link?"

"Yes," Five said. "This time, I'd like you to take notes while you interact with her. Nothing extensive, just make a note of… any oddities."

"What kind of oddities?"

"You know," Five said. "Awkwardness. If she's being too literal, or if she's repeating herself too often."

"Alright," Luther said. "I'll take notes. Oh, and I wanted to ask you something."

"Then ask."

"So Klaus says we can't keep calling the robot 'the robot' because she's almost complete and she-"

"She's not almost complete," Five said. "We've got a long way to go."

"Right," Luther said. "But still, should we name her?"

"No harm in it, I suppose. I already have a name in mind."

Please don't name her after me, Dolores said.

"That's great," Luther said. "What's the name?"

"Dolores," Five said.

Luther blinked.

"Something wrong with that?"

"No," Luther said, quickly. "Just… where'd you get it from?"

"I don't know," Five said. "A book character, I think. I thought it was nice."

"It is nice," Luther said. "But… um…"

"It can be a placeholder," Five said. "Maybe we'll change it later."

"I can ask Klaus to make a list," Luther said. "He wants to help. He already suggested one: Holly."

Five scoffed. "Like the plant?"

"Um, yeah?"

"I don't like it."

"Oh," Luther said. "Sorry."

"Has anyone ever told you," Five said. "you apologize too much?"

Luther chuckled. "Yes."

"Maybe you should do something about that."

Luther grinned. "Maybe."

"Hmm," Five said. "Anyway, it's too early to worry about names. We should focus on the mechanics."

"Okay," Luther said. "Let's do that."

Perhaps it would be rude, to say Monday was Five's favorite day of the week. But he did enjoy the work. And he enjoyed having someone to share it with.

It's not rude, Dolores said. I think it's sweet.

If it were at all practical, Five would work until the last possible minute. Until the stroke of midnight, when the day had officially escaped him.

But that wasn't practical, so he allowed Luther to dictate their stopping point.

"Time for dinner," Luther said. "Did Ben tell you he's making dinner for us now? He was really excited yesterday because he's going to try out a new recipe tonight."

"No," Five said. "Ben didn't tell me that."

"Oh," Luther said. "Well, Mom's been teaching him. And it works out, because she's really busy this week. Her art exhibit is, uh, I think she said it's a 'smash' and, like, it's going well."

"That's good," Five said. "Happy to hear it."

You can ask him, Dolores said. It's a harmless question.

No, Five thought.

It's easy, Dolores said. 'What did you do on the moon, Luther?' Say it just like that. Go on.

NO, Five thought.

"Are you okay?" Luther said.

"I loathe that question," Five said. "I absolutely abhor-"

"I'm sorry," Luther said, quickly. "I'm really sorry."

"How many times do I have to say so?"

"I forgot," Luther said. "My bad."

"Don't forget," Five said. "I never want to hear that question again."

"Okay," Luther said. "But… what's on your mind?"

"Nothing," Five said. "My mind is as empty as your stomach. Go eat your dinner."

"But-"

"I'm hanging up."

Five hung up, then teleported into Allison's room.

She was straightening her hair and startled, nearly burning herself. "Shit! You're supposed to knock."

"What the hell did Luther do on the moon?!"

Allison blinked. "Um… I don't know? He studied moon rocks?"

"You're useless," Five huffed.

"Rude," Allison said. "You're the one who-"

He teleported back to his room.

Scoundrel, Dolores said.

"Shut up," Five said. "I'm going to name that robot chatty Cathy. I'm going to-"

Catherine is a respectable name.

"Shut up!"

Dolores did not shut up.


Tuesday

Klaus was quite the character. Phone calls with him were as exhausting as they were amusing. He would ramble about his love affairs, his comedy gigs, and the various ways he would harass his brothers.

"So then Diego said-"

"Your time is up," Five said.

"Nooo," Klaus said. "It can't be up yet!"

"The clock doesn't lie."

"Give me an extra hour," Klaus said.

"No."

"I'll pay you," Klaus said. "We can use that pocket cash app thingy-"

"No."

"Okay, so you don't need money," Klaus said. "What about secrets? You love those!"

Five grinned, and was glad Klaus couldn't see it.

"Five?" Klaus said. "Did you hang up? Goddammit."

"I didn't hang up," Five said. "What secrets are you offering?"

"The best kind," Klaus said. "The juiciest gossip."

"I'm listening."

"Nuh uh," Klaus said. "First we need to… how do you say it? Establish terms?"

He's learning, Dolores said.

From the best, Five agreed.

"I'm willing to negotiate," Five said.

"Great!" Klaus said. "I want ten hours."

Five laughed. "Uh huh."

"Okay, fine," Klaus said. "Five hours. Five hours with Five, doesn't that sound perfect? It's cosmic."

"Hmm," Five said. "Are you asking for five hours in total, or five additional hours?"

Currently, they were operating on three hour phone calls. Every Tuesday.

"Um," Klaus said. "Additional."

"That would be eight hours in total," Five said. "Not so cosmic."

"Fine," Klaus said. "You wore me down. Five hours in total. That's my final offer."

"Four hours."

"Noooo."

"Then I'm hanging up."

"You can't walk!" Klaus said. "This is an amazing secret! It's about Allison and Luther!"

That got Five's attention. "What about Allison and Luther?"

"You've gotta agree on five hours," Klaus said. "Or you'll never find out."

"I can ask Ben."

"Ben doesn't know."

"You're lying."

"Or am I?" Klaus said. "Is that a risk you're willing to take?"

"Is this about the moon?"

"Nope," Klaus said. "It's better than that."

Better? Five thought. So he does know what Luther was doing up there.

"How long was Luther stationed there?" Five said. "Four years, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, dude," Klaus said. "That's not a secret. Everyone knows that."

"Of course," Five said. "Because Luther was up there… doing research."

"I recognize a fishing net when I see… er, when I hear one."

"That's a poorly phrased metaphor."

"You know what I meant."

"Sure," Five said. "And you know what I'm after."

"It's boring stuff," Klaus said. "I guess it mattered to Luther, but… nah, there's no point talking about the moon. I've got something better."

"And I've got work to do," Five said. "I'm hanging up."

"But Fiiiiive."

"We can revisit these negotiations next week," Five said. "In the meantime, work on your bargaining skills. They could use some polish."

He hung up.

I love him, Dolores said. You should give him more of your time.

"Uh huh," Five said. "You can give him all the time you want. The two of you can frolic in that meadow together."

Don't be cheeky.

"You're cheeky," Five said. "Why can't I be cheeky?"

It's beneath you.

"Suuuure."

Don't draw out your words like that, Dolores said. You're not a nine year old.

"Age is a construct," Five said. "Now shut up. I've got work to do."

You men and your projects, Dolores said. I wish you would learn to relax. Be a little more like Klaus. He enjoys his life.

"He's lazy."

He's an artist, Dolores said. He embraces the world and then he molds his experiences into his craft.

"Stand up comedy may be an art form," Five said. "But it's not… it's not elegant. You of all people should recognize that."

Pish posh.

"You're always raving about Grace's artwork!" Five said. "I thought you wouldn't… I thought you would look down on comedy."

Then you don't know me as well as you think you do.

Five frowned.

Do you look down on comedy?

"Of course not," Five said. "It can be crass, but it has its merits. And it makes people happy."

You mean it makes Klaus happy.

"That's a bonus, I guess."

I just wish you would-

"Stop it," Five said. "I'm tired of your wishes."

Fair enough, Dolores said. Enjoy your work.

Five opened his mouth, then closed it. There was no point in responding. She was gone. Five couldn't watch her leave a room anymore than he could watch her leave his mind, but he felt her absence.

It was fine. A break would do them some good.


Wednesday

Ben was a bookworm. Usually, he had good taste. But this latest selection... Margaret Atwood's The Blind Assassin; Five considered it an irritating novel.

"Stick a shovel into the ground almost anywhere and some horrible thing or other will come to light," Ben's voice gently drifted out of the phone's speaker as he read. "Good for the trade, we thrive on bones; without them there would be no stories."

Normally, Five would recline in the chaise lounge chair and close his eyes to listen, but now he sat up. "Stop," he said. "Stop reading."

"What's wrong?" Ben said.

"I don't like this one," Five said. "Pick a different book."

"We're only twenty pages in," Ben said. "Give it a chance. It'll get better."

"The entire structure," Five insisted. "is unnecessarily confusing. First we're learning about this poor girl driving off a bridge, then we're pelted with mundane newspaper articles-"

"I know you hate journalism," Ben said. "But it's such a small part of the novel. It's got a thematic point and we just-"

"I don't care about the thematic point," Five said. "It's poor writing. It's too… meandering."

"I thought it was cool," Ben said. "Especially the novel within a novel thing."

"You're a sucker for that trope," Five said. "But we can find another book. One that does it better."

"But what about the one hundred page rule?" Ben said. "You're the one who-"

"I'm throwing that rule out," Five said. "It's official. The rule is gone."

"That's not fair," Ben said. "You made me read Flowers for Algernon for you, but you won't read this for me?"

"You loved Flowers for Algernon!"

"Because I kept reading until it got better," Ben insisted. "The first few chapters were super depressing, but I kept going because of the one hundred page rule!"

"As if the last few chapters weren't just as depressing."

"Yeah, but… it was the good kind of depressing," Ben said. "I don't know."

"Fine," Five said. "I'll tolerate one hundred pages, but at that point we stop."

"Unless you start liking the book," Ben said.

"I won't."

"You might."

"Ben," Five groaned.

"Okay, okay," Ben said. "We'll stop at page one hundred. Can I keep reading?"

"Go ahead."


"The King knows what happened and it gives him nightmares, but the rest of them don't know. They don't know they've become so small. They don't know they're supposed to be dead. They don't even know they've been saved. To them the ceiling of rocks looks like a sky-"

Abruptly, Five hung up.

It was an impulsive decision, but his heart was racing, his breath escaping him...

He couldn't breathe.

You can breathe, Dolores said. Take deep breaths. In and out. You're going to be fine.

Five did as he was told.

And time passed.

And he was fine.


He had eleven missed calls from Ben, five from Vanya, and two from Allison.

Five winced, and dialed Ben.

"I'm very sorry," Five said. "My phone… broke."

"Oh," Ben said. "I thought… um, I called Allison. I have to call her back. She said she would get out of work early to go and check on you."

"I'll call her," Five said. "I hope she hasn't left yet. Her director is temperamental."

"Okay, but… your phone broke?" Ben said. "But it's fine now?"

"I fixed it," Five said. "I'm going to reassure Allison and then… did you call Vanya too?"

"Sorry," Ben said. "I didn't know what to think."

"That's okay," Five said. "Give me some time and then we can… we'll continue The Blind Assassin."

"Um," Ben said. "Actually, I think you were right. That book is too… um, I don't like it anymore."

"Liar."

"Let's read something else," Ben insisted. "Something happier."

"I'm not looking for happy," Five said.

"Please?"

"Alright," Five said. "Pick something else."

"Thank you," Ben said. "Call me back when you're ready."

"I will."


Thursday

Every week, Diego would call. And every week, Five dreaded it.

That's the wrong word, Dolores said.

Emotions were confusing. Inherently difficult to parse and contradictory... but 'dread' was probably accurate.

No, it isn't, Dolores insisted.

"I'll call again next week," Diego was saying.

"Yeah, yeah," Five said. "You always say that."

"You can call me before then," Diego said. "If there-"

"If there's an emergency," Five said. "I know."

Whatever emergency Diego was waiting for, it never came.

"I know you know," Diego snapped. "But Allison said you like repetition."

"Incorrect," Five said. "I like structure. Redundancies are inefficient."

"Riiight," Diego said, sarcastically. "Which is why you prefer keeping to the schedule."

"This is the first and last time I will repeat myself," Five said. "If the schedule bothers you, you don't have to participate."

"I'd never get to talk to you if I didn't participate!"

"Not true," Five said. "If you call me on a different day, I'll still answer."

"Yeah, but you'll be busy," Diego said. "And you'll resent the interruption."

"I won't resent it."

"You'll be in a hurry to hang up," Diego said. "You'll barely even hear me and you'll-"

"What do you want from me?" Five said. "No matter what I do or how I try to compromise you're determined to hate me."

"What?"

"So just... stop calling, hmm? That would be easier for both of us."

"I don't hate you!"

"Liar." Five spoke calmly, coldly. "You hate my guts. You resent my very existence."

Diego sputtered on the other end of the line.

"Anyway, I'm hanging up."

"Wait!" Diego said. "You really don't want me to call you? At all? Ever?"

"Yes."

"But I'm your brother!"

"So?" Five said. "I have three more."

Silence.

"I'm really hanging up now."

"Look, I'm sorry," Diego said. "I don't know what I did to tick you off."

Five sighed. "You're a headache."

"Why?" Diego said. "What'd I do?"

"You're just an irritating person," Five said. "I hate talking to you. There. I said it, so now you can ignore me with a clear conscience."

"Ignore you? You think I want to ignore you?" Diego said. "You really think I hate you?"

Five rolled his eyes, choosing not to answer.

"You won't block my calls, right?" Diego said. "You can't block them."

"When have I ever done that?"

"Just say you won't!"

"I won't block your calls, Diego."

"You can't ignore them either," Diego said. "You can't send me to voicemail or anything like that."

"Fuck you," Five said, stoically. "I wouldn't do that."

You're as stoic as a chihuahua, Dolores said.

"Okay," Diego said. "Good. I'll call again next week."

"Fine."

"Listen," Diego said. "I love you, alright?"

"Sure."

"I'm serious!" Diego said. "I fucking love you."

"Alright."

Silence.

"Can I hang up now?" Five said.

"Yeah," Diego said. "Go ahead."

Five did so, relieved to be done with the whole affair.

Until next week, Dolores said.

Five sighed.