Dedication
Bella
The sun streaming in my bedroom window in a direct line onto my pillow woke me, but I was too blissed out to be annoyed by it, infact, I awoke feeling more relaxed than I had in months. I could feel the satiated smile upon my lips as clearly as I could feel the firm, cool body lying in the bed beside me, and I stretched myself out like a languid, happy cat, before rolling over to face my husband.
"Good Morning, my sweet, beloved Goddess." His voice, husky but still silken smooth and velveteen sent tingles throughout my body. I couldn't help but arch my back, pressing against his hand which was currently rubbing small circles over my abdomen, making my skin pebble with delight.
"It certainly seems to be." I grinned lazily up at him, his golden eyes shimmering with love as he slowly lowered his lips to mine, claiming them the way his body and soul had so thoroughly reclaimed mine last night.
I had lost count of the number of times we had made love. It hadn't been about counting orgasms - although having said that, I was quite sure we owed Emmett a rather large box of condoms - but the whole night through I hadn't felt whole unless he was touching me, or kissing me... or pushing himself deep inside me, and making me quiver with my relentless need for him. All night long he had whispered his love for me in sweet, poetic prose; making hushed promises that he would treasure me forever and worship, love and protect me, and as much as I had thought that it would never be possible for me to, I was sure that I had fallen in love with him just a little bit more during the night.
His hand slid gently around my body, effortlessly pulling me closer to him, and I couldn't help but grin at the feel of the firm length of his instant arousal that I could clearly feel pressed against my thigh. I slid my hands up his torso, embracing him, holding him closer, about to pull his body on top of mine...
A happy gurgle floated through the air and instantly stilled us both. I couldn't help but release a small groan as I recognized Rosalice's cheerful morning chatter, and as much as I hated being interrupted during my intimate time with Edward, my maternal instincts immediately kicked in and I sat up, eager to greet my daughter and see what new wonders she would unleash on me today.
But of course, Edward had beaten me to it. In the second that it took me to sit up, he was already out of bed and pulling his jeans on, charged with a fervent enthusiasm that seemed to give him a floating quality as he darted out of the room to the nursery. Within seconds he was back, our smiling baby in his arms.
I quickly pulled the sheet up around me, and accepted her when Edward passed her to me, cuddling her tiny body close to my chest. Her rosy red lips seemed to be in a permanent smile now, and I still couldn't believe just how much of an effect this tiny little being could have on my heart. It literally swelled in my chest with emotion whenever I held her.
"Hi baby," I greeted her with soft, nuzzling kisses all over her face. Edward sat beside us on the bed, smiling softly.
"She's happy this morning. She loves you so much."
I met his eyes... wondering briefly if Edward was saying these things because he could read them in her mind, or just because they were things that new parents would normally say to each other? Either way, it didn't really matter to me, I was just curious.
I laid her gently on the bed, marveling at the perfection of her tiny body, and quickly changed her wet diaper while Edward warmed up her bottle. I sighed as I lay myself down beside her, accepting the bottle and curling myself around her as I watched her feed. I loved this little being so much that it hurt my heart, but I just couldn't help but wish for more. By rights, I shouldn't have to feed my child from a bottle.
"You know what I wish, Edward?" I asked softly, a revered whisper that I followed with a deep, intense look into his eyes.
"I wish I did, my love." I smiled. He could never give me just a simple yes or no.
I glanced back down at the painfully beautiful child beside me, watching her suck greedily at the bottle, making hungry, slurping noises as she fed.
"I wish I could breastfeed her. It would make me feel like she was more... mine."
He gave me a concerned, intense look.
"She is yours"
I shook my head. "No, she isn't," I spoke in a small voice. "She belongs to the family. She is the Cullen's baby, Edward... everyone's. She'll never be just mine. I feel like I'm not going to be able to form as strong a bond with her because I can't sustain her the way a mother is supposed to."
I didn't want to cause him any more pain, but I didn't want to hold back about how I felt out of fear of hurting him. We needed to be able to talk about Renesmee if we were ever going to move on from losing her. Still, my reluctance to hurt him kept my voice from rising above a whisper.
"I would have been able to feed Renesmee. I would have had that bond with her."
He answered quickly. "No love, you wouldn't. Renesmee had a full set of teeth... sharp, newborn teeth. It's more likely that she would have bitten you than drank your breast milk. We don't know if she was venomous. Carlisle never thought to test her, until it was too late."
With Edward's words, my mind started to whir and spin, and every conversation about my daughter; every thought that I'd had about how to sustain my pregnancy, started to come together.
Teeth.
Half vampire... half human.
Heart beat.
My body couldn't sustain her.
But that last wasn't quite true... my body couldn't continue to sustain her... but it had sustained her for a month. It had nearly killed me, but it was enough to let her grow, and develop. She had been feeding from my body. She had been thriving on my blood. The drip that Carlisle had in my arm, the thick, white fluid, it wasn't what she needed.
She needed blood. Why hadn't I figured this out before?
Edward
"I wish I could breastfeed her. It would make me feel like she was more... mine."
Bella was having doubts about being a mother. She doubted her ability to do a good job, and she doubted her ability to form a long and lasting bond with an adopted child. That was completely understandable. Ridiculous... but understandable. In the time that I had known Bella, her capacity for love had astounded me. I knew she could do this.
"She is yours."
Bella shook her head. "No, she isn't," she said in a small voice. "She belongs to the family. She is the Cullen's baby, Edward... everyone's. She'll never be just mine. I feel like I'm not going to be able to form as strong a bond with her because I can't sustain her the way a mother is supposed to."
Dammit. I knew my family were very 'hands on' with Rosalice, but I had never expected for Bella to be jealous of the attention and affection the rest of my family gave our daughter.
Her voice was a low whisper, but I heard it, and recognized the pain in it as clearly as if she had shouted.
"I would have been able to feed Renesmee. I would have had that bond with her."
I shook my head vehemently. "No love, you wouldn't. Renesmee had a full set of teeth... sharp, newborn teeth. It's more likely that she would have bitten you than drank your breast milk. We don't know if she was venomous. Carlisle never thought to test her, until it was too late."
She felt inadequate as a mother because she hadn't carried Rosalice; because she couldn't feed her.
During my time as a medical student I had heard of a drug that could stimulate the production of breast milk in an adoptive situation or for the commissioning mother of a surrogate host. I would talk to Carlisle - if Bella wanted to breastfeed Rosalice, we could make it happen. The words weren't even fully out of her mouth before I had decided on my course of action... but then I stopped my racing mind to listen to what else she was saying.
"I never cared much about having kids... you know that. But then, when I found out that Renesmee was inside me, I was so amazed at how special it was. How much I loved growing our child inside me. I want to feel that again, Edward. I want to have another baby. I want to give Rosalice a sister..." her eyes brightened with sudden joy, "or a brother, with green eyes and bronze hair, like his Daddy."
I nodded slowly. "Sure love, if that's what you want. We'll find a donor who looks just like me, so that he will really look like my child." I was starting to like the sound of this. Bella wanted to carry a baby, nourish it inside her, and the thought of seeing her healthily rounded with a human child warmed my non-beating heart.
Rosalice would be almost a year old by the time she came to term, so that would be perfect. The outside world need never know the baby wasn't actually mine, and of course I didn't care. It would be part of Bella - that would make him 'mine' enough for my liking. Blood didn't matter... neither did the child's sex, but if Bella wanted a boy, there were ways of making that happen these days too. She could have whatever she wanted.
I sighed happily as I laid down beside her and Rosalice, gently playing with the baby's tiny foot as she reached up to grab a handful of my hair. I smiled down at her, and leaned in to give her a soft kiss on her chubby cheek.
I could feel Bella's eyes burning in to my face, and I turned my head to meet her confused, but slightly amused gaze.
"Edward, I don't mean that I want to use a donor. I want to have your child. A child that I won't ever have to take away from this family... even if Rosalice and I do have to leave. I want to give you and the family a baby, so that it will make it easier for you to let me and Rosie go."
I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing. Did Bella seriously believe I would risk her life again?
"No," I said simply, shaking my head in disbelief, trying to keep my voice from trembling. "Are you insane? No way, Bella. If you want a baby, we can comb the world for the perfect human donor, but there is absolutely no way that I will allow you to risk your life to carry our child again."
Bella flung herself up, off the bed... the half empty bottle laying forgotten next to the baby as she turned her sudden fury upon me.
"You don't get to make these decisions for me, Edward. That's what fucked us up in the first place."
I couldn't believe she was yelling at me, swearing at me in front of the baby.
"Love, calm down, please. Think rationally. You nearly died last time... and so did the baby. What makes you think your body would be strong enough to withstand another vampire baby, anyway?"
"Because I figured it out, Edward. Renesmee needed blood to grow... so she took mine. If I could have had transfusions to keep her fed and healthy, my pregnancy with her wouldn't have taken such a toll on me. I'm sure this will work. I'm willing to try again; I know that we can do it this time."
She was angry, but I could hear the pleading in her voice. She was sure about what she was saying. I could handle Bella angry... I could handle Bella scared... but when she pleaded with me, it tore me in half. It physically pained me to deny her anything. But really, what choice did I have? I would not do this again. I had nearly lost her the first time. I couldn't bear to go through all that again. I shook my head. It was all I could do. I reached out to her, ignoring her half hearted attempts to push me away as I held her gently to my chest, inhaling the sweet scent of her hair.
"Bella, Love. Please?" I kissed the top of her head, feeling her arms soften and slowly wrap around my waist, and she pressed her forehead against my chest. I held her close, stroking her long, brown hair as it cascaded over her shoulders and down her back - trying to soothe her, trying to comfort her, trying to get her to see reason.
"If you want more babies, we can have as many human babies as you want... but please don't ask me to risk your life. I can't lose you again."
On the bed, Rosalice had begun to whimper. She was wondering why she hadn't been fed all of her bottle. She could feel it pressed against her arm, and she was growing increasingly frustrated that she couldn't just pick it up and drink it herself.
Bella was still shaking with her anger, but I could only hope that my words had gotten through to her. She would come to her senses, and realize that what she wished for was impossible. She would see reason, given some time to think it over.
"Come, Love. Get some sleep, I've kept you awake most of the night. You need to rest. I'll tend to Rosalice in the nursery."
Without a word, Bella obediently lay down on the bed and let me tuck the covers in around her. I quickly drew the curtains tightly closed before I lifted Rosie easily into my arms, tucking the bottle under my chin so she could drink while I pulled the door quietly closed behind me. I was still in shock over Bella's sudden fit of rage, but I hoped that it would pass as quickly as it had come, and that she would quickly realize just how impossible her wish was. She would have to. There was no way I would ever back down... not on this.
Bella
I heard the door close softly behind me, plunging me into the silence and semi darkness of the room. I was still seething in anger at Edward's presumptions that he could still make decisions for me. Had he learned absolutely nothing over the past several months? Or had our one night together made him think that I now belonged to him again, and had no need for original thought?
In truth, up until a few minutes ago, I had never even considered the possibility of attempting to carry Edward's child again. Not until I realized about the blood. Of course it was blood that Renesmee had needed... it was so simple. The child of a vampire would need blood to survive; I didn't know how none of us had realized it before.
I loved Rosalice, but when I took her away from this family, it would break them. I knew that without a doubt. Edward kept promising that we would find a way for us all to be together for an eternity... but I wasn't quite as optimistic. I refused to risk Rosalice having to be turned... just because it was something that I had wanted - well, something I still wanted, if I was being truthful - I would not permit it to happen to my daughter. She would live out her life as a human... and so would I.
Yes, I still wanted an eternity with Edward, but now that Rosalice was in our lives, he and I both understood that she would always have to come first... and that would include her having to have a human parent. If the price of that was my immortality, then so be it. But, if I was able to give them a vampire child... then Rose and Esme could have the baby that they had always so desperately wanted... and Edward would have a piece of me in his life forever. This was the only way that they could ever raise a child. Of course it would be hard for me to leave him behind when I moved on with my human life with Rosalice, but I was strong enough... I knew I could do it for the Cullens. They had given me so much... I could do this one little thing for them.
My decision made, I quickly jumped up out of bed and flicked the lock on the door. I knew it wouldn't hold out Edward if he actually knew what I was doing, but it would deter him if he was just coming to check on me; he would assume I just wanted privacy.
I quickly walked around the bed and found the pile of tissues on the bedside table. I fumbled through them with shaking hands and retrieved the condom that Edward had most recently discarded; a small loose knot tied in the top of it to prevent accidental spillage. Slightly hindered by my trembling fingers, it still took only seconds to untie the knot. I could see the milky colored fluid gathered in the bottom quarter of the condom. It was only about an hour old. This would work, I was sure of it.
I laid back on the bed and pushed my feet up on the headboard, holding the condom carefully in my fingers, and lined it up carefully with the opening between my legs.
A sudden buzzing from beside me made me jump, and I nearly spilled the precious contents of the condom. It was Edward's phone. He'd left it on the bedside table, switched to vibrate, so it didn't disturb us during the night. In my shock, I quickly reached out and grabbed it, not at all surprised when I saw the caller ID.
Alice
No doubt she could see what I was doing... all the way from Paris. I held my thumb down on the power button and switched the phone off. It was the only phone in the apartment. I smirked with that knowledge as I tossed it beside me on the mattress.
Returning to my task, I used my free hand to grab the closed, rounded end of the condom, and I tipped it deftly inside myself. When it was empty, I reached over and tucked it back between the tissues. I would dispose of it later. I wanted to stay in this position for a few minutes, just to let gravity help the little guys out a bit.
I wasn't an idiot. I knew Edward was going to be furious. I knew Alice would probably never speak to me again... and yeah, I knew that my chances of surviving another vampire pregnancy weren't fantastic... but they were all risks I was willing to take. I needed to do this. I wanted so badly to have another baby... Edward's baby... and I knew my theory about the blood would work. It would have to.
They would all thank me when they had an immortal little baby in their lives... one that they would never have to say goodbye to. I was sure of it.
Oh Bella, that grief and loss temporary insanity is still affecting you, isn't it?
But she sounds pretty sure of her theory, doesn't she? What do you guys think, will this work?
Please review, even if it's to throw things at me! Haha. I'll post another chapter tomorrow. :)
xx BRL
