A/N: Hey everyone! I am so super excited about this upcoming week, guys. Three great big chapters to post. Over 10,000 words. Things are really going to start picking up. And, if you are reading The Young and the Breathless? That one is sort of going to go crazy this week, too. At least two updates there, including a chapter that's almost 5000 words long. Hopefully I'll be able to post 3, but I NEED to work on AM, so maybe not. But those 5 chapters I've promised are all written and betaed (thanks, ilovemysteries! You are the wind beneath my wings) and I have chapter 22 on the go right now. :D If I had to wager a guess, I would say that both will end up somewhere in the vicinity of 30 chapters long.
Thanks so much to my reviewers and followers and favouriters. I love you guys.
Chapter 19
Regrets and Regression
I woke up way too early and had far too much time to kill. I had already packed, so that was out. And I actually had lots of things to pack now; Pam had gasped in horror at the state of my closet weeks ago, and had been cramming shit in there willy nilly ever since. I was actually glad; she had great taste, and I didn't have to worry about it. I had never bought my own clothes before and it didn't really bother me to keep going with the flow. Pam kept threatening me with a girls' shopping weekend in New York down the road, and I was actually looking forward to it. But, really, Pam was the first real friend I had ever had. And she was awesome.
I was hungry, so I took the Crown Vic into town for coffee and doughnuts, just because I could. I thought about taking the 'vette, but I didn't want to press my luck. I enjoyed my breakfast at a picnic table at a park off of Evans Parkway. There were teens playing basketball, little kids on the playground, and a few people running on the path along the perimeter. Someone was walking her dog. I hadn't petted a dog in over a decade.
This is what normal people do. They get in their cars and drive places and do things. Alone or with their friends or family. They're mostly free, aside from their jobs and other obligations. They buy coffee and doughnuts and eat them in the sunshine at the park. It felt nice. Weird, but nice. When the lady with the dog walked past, I asked if I could pet him. He was a collie, and I knew he was friendly and his name was Dean because I'd checked his owner's head. She stopped and chatted with me for a minute while I gave the dog pets and scratches.
I decided to take the opportunity to try out my glamour, or whatever it was. I felt kind of bad because she was so nice, and had such a cute dog, but hey. Carpe diem and all of that shit. And look at me, throwing my brief visit to Normal right out the window.
"You should buy your dog a cone at that ice cream truck."
She laughed, "No way! It wouldn't be good for him."
"No, you really should. One ice cream cone won't hurt him." I gave her a nudge.
"Yeah. One ice cream won't hurt him…" And she wandered off toward the ice cream truck. The dog followed along behind. I felt a pang of guilt, but then I felt a little better about it when she bought herself a cone, too, and flirted with the ice cream guy. They made a date for next week. Everyone got a happy ending.
Feeling kind of like a million bucks, I drove back home. And it was home now. Or more accurately, Eric was my home. And now that the dam had burst, I could even tell him I loved him now and then.
We were leaving at first dark and taking a charter. Vampires getting stuck on runways or in the air after the sun rose was a real problem when there were flight delays. And travelling in a coffin was a pain in the ass that required a ton of paperwork, and often transport to a private location to climb out when travelling. Wheeling a coffin into a hotel raised more than a few eyebrows. Things were going to be so much easier after they went public. At least in regards to travel.
I had never been on a plane before - at least when I'd been conscious. I assumed they'd flown me from Louisiana to Maryland or DC a decade before, but of course I didn't remember it. I was so excited I felt like a little kid (who couldn't read her parents' minds to see what they'd bought her) at Christmas.
I didn't know what to do with myself to pass the time. I decided to just lie out in the sun. Eric and Pam would enjoy it, too. Probably I should have exercised, but I just wasn't feeling it. I promised myself I would try to find some kind of balance between slothdom and obsession. Tomorrow. Or when we got back.
I read my book and daydreamed and enjoyed the beautiful day and the anticipation. When I was roasting hot and felt my eyelids get heavy, I went downstairs to our room to snuggle up against Eric's cool, hard body. We kept the house at 72, so that's what he was, and my nipples tightened at the change in temperature when they pressed against him. I kissed his shoulder and his chest and fell back to sleep until he was kissing me awake.
I rolled onto my back, pulling him along with me. His mouth moved to my neck. I said, "Do we have time?"
"If we move quickly, yes. I love rising with you asleep in my arms."
"Oh my god." He had pulled my leg way up over his shoulder and was already inside me, so deep, tapping my cervix over and over with quick, short strokes. I felt like I was falling apart in seconds. I wanted to bite him. Needed to bite him, and I let down my shields to him like he'd told me to and turned my head away, willing my mouth shut.
And then I realized what a mistake it was. We really hadn't thought this through at all. His eyes glazed over and he bit my shoulder. Well, at least now I knew the answer. And then his bloodlust was feeding mine as much as mine was feeding his. And I knew that he wanted me to bite as much as I wanted to.
He would be able to find me more easily. Well, with Beaumont after me, wouldn't that be for the best? What if I couldn't shield him from a bond like I could with a tie? I just didn't think that would be the case. Or maybe that was the bloodlust talking.
My ability to reason and rationalize was very quickly melting away. Eric's short, quick, deep thrusts had become almost frenzied, and my shoulder burned with pain as the skin began to tear. I lost hold of my restraint and I grabbed his chest with my teeth and bit hard.
Oh, shit. I felt like Alice, falling endlessly down the rabbit hole.
When I came back to myself, someone was pounding on the bedroom door.
Pam yelled, "I don't know what in the fuck that was, but a little warning would be nice next time. I have to fly all the way to Texas in these panties. If we don't miss the goddamn flight."
I felt Eric's amusement bubble up. "It's a government charter, Pam. They're paid to wait." Oh, shit. I had forgotten about this aspect of a blood bond. What in the fuck had I gotten myself into?
I didn't think I had regained the ability to speak yet. I peeled myself off of him and padded into the bathroom to pee and try to get myself cleaned up a little. After I used the bathroom, I stood in front of the mirror, staring at my reflection. I was a mess of cum and blood and my hair was a tangled fright. Fortunately, the torn fang marks in my shoulder were already almost completely healed.
Eric came in behind me, "I'm sorry we don't have time for a shower, lover. We are running far behind now." He leaned down and kissed where my neck and shoulder met, and then licked the smeared blood from my shoulder. I closed my eyes and probed our new connection. He was feeling content. Happy. Fulfilled. I was frankly terrified, and a confused and somewhat regretful mess. And he obviously still wasn't able to feel me at all. At least there was that.
After making myself at least somewhat presentable, we headed out to Ronald Reagan International to catch our flight to Dallas.
I tried to push my fear and preoccupation aside and enjoy the day. I was used to packing up all of my emotions except anger or boredom. It felt natural to me. Doing the same thing with happiness or contentment was a whole other animal altogether. They weren't masks that I wore easily. And I had no practice. I hadn't even known what happiness had felt like a few weeks ago. Not really. Brief moments of pride or satisfaction in an otherwise miserable existence hardly counted.
Eric had gotten over his preoccupation enough to notice mine, and he was worried and kind of hovery. I could tell he didn't much like it that I could feel him and not the other way around. Too bad. I was in my head enough for the two of us. I didn't need him in there, too.
I finally started to calm down when we settled down in the cabin of the jet. Eric must have noticed, because he relaxed a bit, too. It was just the three of us, thank goodness. There were seats that faced each other, so Eric and I sat across from Pam.
"Sookie, make sure to get really close to Stan tonight. Maybe rub up against him a time or two."
Eric rolled his eyes, but the corner of his lip was twitching a little. And he didn't object a bit.
"Ok. What am I missing?"
"Stan Davis is the Sheriff of Texas's area 9, which includes Dallas. He's a total nerd." Pam bit her lip. Well well well. This was interesting. "Since you smell like sex and vampire bait, I was hoping you would... chum up the water, so to speak."
"Wow, Pam. That is the least sexy thing I have ever heard you say, hands down." Or anyone else, maybe.
"Really? It aroused me significantly."
I laughed out loud. Pam was really an excellent diversion. "So, Eric, why are you so onboard with me chumming Stan Davis's waters?"
Pam cut in, "Oh, because you smell like Eric, inside and out. On top of the sunshine and sweetness. He is going to just love rubbing it in to every vampire he comes across that you are his."
Eric closed his eyes and inhaled, and then grinned. Oh, brother. "Vampires will be able to smell that we are bonded. They will smell my seed inside of you. Every Supe will want you, but they will know that you are mine and mine alone."
"Jesus, Eric. Possessive much?"
"Very much so. Yes. Thank you."
I rolled my eyes. "Well, they say the first step is admitting you have a problem."
"Actually, lover, I have no problems at all."
Well, except for Beaumont and Khatami and my inner meltdown.
I enjoyed the flight after I climbed out of my own head. Especially when Eric followed me into the bathroom and fucked me hard on the counter.
"Now that we are bonded, you can stop drinking the shakes and just feed from me when we make love. I will be able to tell if you are getting too much." He was really excited about that. And I guessed I kind of was, too. At least I didn't have to worry about doing it accidentally now. Plus it felt incredible. And the shakes were really fucking gross.
There was a limousine waiting to pick us up after we landed. Swanky. I climbed in next to Eric, leaving Pam to sit across from us next to a vampire that had to be Stan Davis, judging by the glasses and short sleeved cotton plaid button-down and Dockers. I noticed him scenting the air and would have rolled my eyes if it wouldn't have been rude.
"Stan, this is my… asset, Sookie. Sookie, this is Stan, the Sheriff of Area 9." Ouch. After all of that nose-rubbing he claimed he wanted to do, he was going to go with our business relationship? While I wasn't thrilled about being the prized possession to show off to his little vampire friends, I liked thinking about our working relationship even less. I mean, I thought that was the least important of what we were to each other. The NSA were my captors. My torturers. They were the villains in my own personal story, even if I was now one of them myself. It wasn't like I'd been given a choice. I tried to separate Eric from them in my mind as much as possible. Leaving my shields up, I pushed my feeling of annoyance at him, and he frowned a bit. Apparently, he had gotten that message loud and clear.
Strangely, Stan offered me his hand, and I placed mine in his. He kissed the back of it and said, "Charmed."
"Likewise." I smiled politely.
The vampires chatted, and I looked out the window at the lights passing by. Eric rubbed my hand with his thumb, but I was still annoyed and ignored him. I figured letting him hold my hand was me being conciliatory enough. Nobody spoke to me, so I kept my mouth shut.
After 20 minutes or so, we pulled into the driveway of a huge house on a postage stamp-sized lot. It was beige brick with white trim. Stan's nest. We were going to stay here so Eric and Pam didn't have to bunk down in a hotel bathtub. Judging by the voids inside, the place was chock full of vampires. Lots of humans, too.
Eric got out first and offered his hand to assist me. I gave him a dirty look, but let him do it anyway. As if I couldn't do it myself. He, of course, kept hold of it as Stan escorted us inside. Eric was upset and confused. So was I.
"Stan, if you don't mind, Sookie is very tired…" What a crock of shit. I had slept half of the afternoon and into the evening, after a strenuous day of eating doughnuts, petting a dog, and lying in the sun. I pushed annoyance at him again. I wanted some privacy, sure, but I didn't really want my weaknesses to be used as an excuse, either.
I said, "I'm sorry. It's just been a really long day."
"Oh, of course. Come. I'll show you to your room. Sookie, we can make introductions tomorrow."
He walked us deeper into the house and opened a door to one of several bedrooms on the main floor. It was large and lavish with a four poster bed and attached bath. "Eric, will you be out again tonight? I have a few…" He cut his eyes to me, "...people I would like to introduce you to."
"I think not, Stan. I need to make sure Sookie is settled, and it is approaching dawn."
"Very well. I will have someone bring in your bags and leave them outside your room. Until tomorrow, then."
Pam was sort of hovering outside the door, and Stan caught her eye and smiled as he was leaving. They had gotten along like gangbusters in the car, and things were looking good for Pam getting a little geek action. I gave her a thumb's up behind Stan's back, and she winked at me. I wasn't angry at her.
After Eric closed the door behind them, he turned and looked at me. "What is the matter, Sookie? And how in the hell can you do that?"
I crossed my arms. The first question could wait. "Do what?"
"Manipulate the bond as well as a vampire. On your first night, no less."
I shrugged. "I don't know, Eric. I can do just about whatever the hell I set my mind to, seems to me."
"The longer I know you, Sookie, the more I see that that is, in fact, the case." He didn't seem as thrilled about it as I was. Not at all. "And now how about telling me why you are so upset."
"Why did you introduce me as your asset?"
He blinked. "Because you are my asset."
"Of all the fucking things I could be to you, you choose to define me as that?" I spat the last word out at him.
He was really confused now. "I'm afraid I don't understand."
"Eric, the NSA lied to my parents so they could steal me from my home. They basically kept me caged like an animal for most of my life. All of the Geneva convention bullshit that's supposed to keep the government from treating terrorists and political prisoners like shit? That apparently didn't apply to me. I was raped and tortured and worse. Pardon the fuck out of me if I don't really want that to be the defining factor of our relationship."
"Sookie…"
"It's not like Stan is with the fucking FBI or the CIA. He isn't a fucking colleague. We're not staying here because it's a convenient NSA safehouse, right?"
"Well, no, but we are here on NSA business. And since Stan is Sheriff, and I used to be one, he has agreed to assist by offering a vampire-friendly place to stay."
I rolled my eyes. "Whatever, Eric. And I suppose there's extra vampire kudos for you for getting into the asset's pants. Well fucking done. Way to be the big sexy vampire. Should I brag that I can't be glamoured, too, and that you had to seduce me old school?"
Boy, I was pissed. But now he was starting to join the party. His teeth were clenched together and he said very quietly, "Actually, lover, I didn't want to advertise that fact at all. And I would never glamour anyone to have sex with me. I told you I do not approve of rape." That lover sure sounded sarcastic, though.
"Bully for you."
"Look, whether you like it or not, we both work for the NSA. I am your handler, and you are my asset."
"Well, I don't fucking like it. And, since I just work for the NSA now, I fucking quit."
I waited for the answer I knew was coming.
"You can't." He didn't sound quite so angry now. And was that a twinge of guilt? What a surprise.
"Oh, really? I thought that I was a ward of the state when I was a minor, but a simple employee now that I'm an adult. I certainly haven't signed any contract yet, even though it's been weeks since we had that discussion."
He looked away. All the fucking answer I needed. "Go make your fucking introductions, Eric. And get the fuck out of my sight."
"Sookie, you are being paid now. And there will be a contract..."
"That will be compulsory. I get it. I'm every bit as much a prisoner as I ever was. Go. And find someplace else to sleep. I don't fucking want to see you again tonight." Or really ever, but that wasn't happening.
And then I fought really dirty. I let down my shields. And then I pushed all of my hurt and anger at him, too. He closed his eyes and almost seemed to sway. Good.
"Get. Out."
He left without another word.
I was half tempted to just leave, but where would I go? Plus, I was microchipped like a fucking dog. That reminded me of how free and normal I had felt in the park this morning, drinking a coffee and petting a collie. Now I felt more like a prisoner than I ever had, only in fancy bed linens and in a different state. And this sure as fuck wasn't normal.
A few weeks ago, this was exactly what I had expected to be - an NSA bird in Eric's gilded cage. But a lot had happened in that time. And I hated the idea that maybe things hadn't changed as much as I'd thought. At least not for Eric.
I really wanted to scream. What I most wanted to do was go back in time to the night Eric came to get me and keep my fucking distance. Caring hurt too much. Being happy was too dangerous.
I undressed and climbed into bed. I had never felt more alone in my entire life. I scanned the house, and it was so full of life (and death) that it just made me lonelier. I pushed my loneliness and grief at him, too, wherever he was. I felt his sorrow in return. Good. I hoped it hurt. Fuck knows I did.
I tossed and turned, in too much pain to get comfortable. I finally dozed off sometime close to noon.
