Chapter 25: Breathe Again

cw: recreational drug use, smoking

The next day, James awoke with a start, opening his eyes in the early morning light to look around at his room. It was the same as always, but something had changed the previous night. Sirius was there. James sat up slowly, thinking about everything that had happened.

It had been a very normal evening, and a normal day, in which he had gone over to Dorcas' house near Brighton to see Marlene and Dorcas. They had spent the day exploring the countryside, and James had returned home in high spirits, though slightly late for dinner. His mother had scolded him gently, and then they had sat down to eat. As they often did, the Potters retired to the living room after dinner to talk, and it was then that they heard the rapping on the door.

James remembered opening it to see Sirius, looking flushed, his eyes unnaturally bright, and his face slightly sweaty. He had looked ragged, sick. James knew that what Sirius had told him and his parents the previous night was definitely not the whole story, but if Sirius didn't want to tell him, James wouldn't force the issue. Sirius had a right to his secrets.

James checked his alarm clock next to his bed, and saw that it was only six am. He stood up and began to get dressed in his running clothes, then headed out into the hallway. When he put his ear next to the door of Sirius' room, he heard nothing, so he walked quietly to the loo. He knew that Sirius would probably not be up for another couple of hours, perhaps even more given everything that had happened the previous night.

Therefore, James went about getting ready and making breakfast. Neither of his parents were up, either, as they weren't morning people like him. After breakfast, he took a run around the area. Down the road on the hill the Potters lived on, there were a couple of Muggle houses, far enough away that they wouldn't pry into the Potters lives, but close enough that James passed them every morning when he ran, so he was friendly with them. He waved at a couple of the neighbors he knew as he ran down the hill.

When he was running, James felt like he could concentrate on thoughts in the way that he never could when he was sitting still. It was when he felt the most moments of clarity come to him, and in that moment, all he was thinking of was Sirius.

Whatever had or hadn't happened to Sirius the night before, and in the past years at home, he had left. He had run away, and he was never going back. After the terror of the previous night, James now felt relief in this fact: Sirius was safe. After years of worry about his best friend, he wouldn't have to worry anymore. At least, not about this particular thing.

After dwelling on that calming realization for a while, James turned to his next concern: he would have to write to Remus and Peter about what had happened. Sirius might not like him to, not wanting to concern them, especially Remus, but James knew that he had to tell them. He had to tell them that Sirius was safe, and he hoped that they would come over to visit him, as it might cheer Sirius up.

He ran back up the hill towards his house, not exactly sure how long he had been running for. The sun was a bit higher in the sky, and when he got back to his house, he could hear the sounds of his parents beginning to move about their room. He climbed the stairs two at a time, then went into the bathroom to shower. When he was done, he walked back to his room, first getting dressed, then going to sit down at his desk.

James pulled out a roll of parchment and a quill, and sat for a few moments in silence, trying to think of what to write to Remus and Peter. Finally, he lowered quill to paper, and wrote a few sentences:

Moony,

Padfoot got kicked out by his parents last night, and he came to me. He's going to be living here permanently now during the holidays, and I thought you should know that he's safe, and he seems to be okay (physically, at least). It'd be great if you could come by sometime soon (I'm asking Wormy, too). I think it'd be good for him to have us all around him. Feel free to stop by any time.

Prongs

James copied out a similar message to Peter, then trotted downstairs to find Edelweiss, the Potters' owl, to send the two letters off. When he descended, he found that Caspian, Sirius' owl, was perched on the windowsill. He had arrived the previous evening, carrying Sirius' letter to James, then took off again. Likely he had gone out to hunt, and, by whatever magical force allowed owls to locate people, had returned, knowing Sirius would be here.

"Hey, Caspian," James said, reaching out and allowing the bird to climb onto his arm. "You up to take a letter to Remus?"

Caspian hooted in what James thought was assent, so James fastened the letter to Remus to the barn owl's leg. Caspian took off immediately, soaring out the window towards his new destination, and James turned to look for Edelweiss to take the other letter to Peter.

After looking in a few rooms, James found Edelweiss perched on the top of the dresser in his parents room, and attached the letter to his leg and sent him off. He knew that Caspian would reach Remus sooner than Edelweiss would reach Peter, as the journey to the south of Wales, where Remus lived, was much shorter than that to Bradford. Still, Edelweiss was faster, which is why James had chosen him to take the letter to Peter, so hopefully it wouldn't take him too long.

Having sent the letters off, James walked back out into the kitchen to find his mother standing in it, cleaning dishes. "Morning, mum," James said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Morning, darling," she said. "Had a good run?"

"Yeah," James said. "And I sent off to Peter and Remus to see if they could come over and see Sirius."

"Hm," Euphemia made an approving humming noise in her throat. "That sounds like a good idea. He seemed awfully quiet at breakfast."

"He's up?" James asked, looking at his mother in shock. "I thought he was still in bed."

"Oh, yes, he's up," Euphemia said. "Didn't you notice his door was open when you went upstairs?"

"No, I guess I wasn't paying attention," James admitted sheepishly.

"My distracted boy," Euphemia said, her voice affectionate. "Yes, he ate breakfast with me and your father, then said he was going for a walk. I think he might have gone to the lake. You know how he likes it up there."

"I do," James said. "Okay, thanks, mum. I should go see if he wants company."

"Sounds good," Euphemia said. "Just don't push him, alright? Sometimes people just need space. And after everything that he's been through…" She paused, sighing and shaking her head. James gave her a reassuring smile.

"Don't worry, I won't push him," he said. "I'll see you later, alright? Will you yell for me if any owls come or anything?"

"Will do," Euphemia replied, smiling.

So James trekked up the familiar path towards the top of the low hill, where a patch of trees concealed both the little Quidditch spot where he practiced every summer, and also the small pond where he, Sirius, Marlene, and Dorcas always swam. The pond was only a short walk from the Potter's house, and after ten minutes James came upon Sirius, sitting on a rock that jutted out over the water, staring ahead.

James slowed as he drew closer. He felt almost wary of his best friend. It was like approaching a wounded animal; he didn't want to startle him. When James was only feet from Sirius, the other boy spoke.

"Stop creeping up on me, Prongs, I can hear you," he said. His voice sounded light, and so James sat down beside him, examining his face. Sirius' expression was neutral, no mark of the previous night's panic in it.

"You okay, Padfoot?" James asked tentatively.

"Yeah, I'm good," Sirius replied, his legs dangling off the rock, looking into the depths of the lake pensively.

"It's okay if you're not, you know?" James said, feeling at a loss for words. "I mean...if you want to talk about it."

Sirius turned his head to look at his best friend and smiled slightly. "I appreciate the concern, Prongs, but I really am okay."

"You are?"

"Yeah," Sirius said, letting out a little laugh. "I am. You know, I never felt like I could breathe, living in that house. Not ever when I was a kid did I feel like there was space for me to breathe. I felt like the house was suffocating me, like my parents were suffocating me, you know?"

James shrugged, staring at Sirius, an apologetic look on his face. Sirius shook his head, still smiling slightly. "No, I don't suppose you do. Anyway, going to Hogwarts felt like being able to breathe for the first time in my life. I had no idea what I was missing until I got there, but still, at the end of each term, when I had to go back home, I felt like my lungs were closing up again, like I was being suffocated weeks before even stepping back in the house. Now that—" he broke off, looking back out over the lake, his smile widening.

"Now that I'm free, I feel like I've never been able to breathe like this before in my life. My head feels clearer than it ever has been, Prongs. I mean, yes, leaving was hard to wrap my head around, but I felt like I was dying in that house, literally dying. Like it was going to kill me, or drive me crazy. I could feel it happening. Now I'll never have to go back, and I can breathe."

James wasn't quite sure how to reply. He wished Remus was there, as he always knew how to communicate with Sirius about difficult things like this. James just couldn't relate to either of the two the way that they could relate to each other. His life had been too good, too happy to do so, which he was grateful for, but it made him feel like a dunce in situations like this.

"I'm glad," he said finally, giving Sirius a smile.

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, Sirius staring out at the lake, James fidgeting absentmindedly as he was lost in his own thoughts. They were broken out of their reverie, however, by the sound of Euphemia Potter calling something up the hill, her voice magically magnified to reach them, but not so much that they could make out the words, or it would disturb the neighbors.

"I wonder what she wants," James said, frowning. The two boys climbed to their feet and hurried down the hill. Mrs. Potter was nowhere to be seen, so James assumed that his mother had gone back inside after calling to them. It probably wasn't too dire, then.

Still, Sirius and James hastened their way down the hill so that they arrived back at the house only five minutes later, slightly out of breath. As they entered through the back door, Euphemia greeted them, beaming as she stood behind the counter. Across from her, his back to the door through which Sirius and James entered through, was a tall figure with light brown hair.

"Look who's come to see you," Euphemia said.

Remus turned to look at James and Sirius, his blue eyes immediately falling upon Sirius. Without saying a word, he strode over to him and embraced him tightly. Sirius seemed slightly taken aback for a moment, then hugged Remus back, his hands linking behind Remus' waist. They stood like that for a few seconds, then Remus pulled back and looked at Sirius, his expression looking almost angry.

"What happened?" He demanded.

"Perhaps you boys want to go upstairs and talk alone in Sirius' room," Euphemia said gently. She glanced at James, tilting her head slightly as if asking a question, though James wasn't sure what it was. He understood her suggestion, however, that they should be left alone.

"I'm going to go fly a little bit," James said, looking at Sirius. "Unless you want me here?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, thanks Prongs," he said. Remus didn't look at James as he left; his eyes were all for Sirius. The two boys exchanged another glance, and then Sirius led Remus, awkwardly, up the stairs to his room.

Remus had never actually been to James' house before. He had heard about it from all of the rest of the boys, as well as Marlene and Dorcas, but he had never visited any of the rest of them during their school holidays before.

James' house was slightly smaller than he had expected. Remus knew that both James and Sirius were rich; that they came from old pureblood money, which meant that they had a lot of it. His friends didn't show it off, but neither did they try hard to conceal it. Remus didn't mind it; he had never had friends before, neither rich nor poor, but he did have to wrap his head around the fact that Sirius' and James' homes would likely fit his own twice or more inside of them.

Surprisingly, the Potter house was rather quaint, nothing compared to how Remus had imagined. There seemed to be only three bedrooms and two bathrooms, the building only two floors. However, Euphemia Potter had said something about her husband being in "the library" when he arrived, which did not surprise Remus. Of course, most of the advantage of the Potter house could be seen, not in the house, but in the land surrounding it that the family also owned, which Remus knew was much of the reason why James and Sirius loved it.

The door to Sirius' room was the second on the left down the upper hallway, and Sirius opened the door, Remus walking in behind him and shutting it.

"What happened?" Remus asked, sitting down next to Sirius on the bed, gazing at him intently. Sirius didn't look bruised or anything, but was slightly paler than usual nevertheless.

Sirius began to tell him. It took a while, and Remus had many questions, unlike James and his parents. Sirius, of course, left out what had happened with Bellatrix, but told Remus everything else. When he had finally finished, there was silence for a few moments before Remus asked quietly, gazing at Sirius:

"Do you think they'll come after you?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, they won't," he said slowly. "They let me leave."

"What do you mean?" Remus asked, surprised by Sirius' conviction.

Sirius glanced at him. "My mother told me to go to my room, but what she said was 'get out,'" he said. "I think she wanted me to leave for good. After people left, she didn't come up and punish me, and when I went out, the foyer was empty. She probably heard me, and she could have stopped me, but she chose not to."

"If she wanted you to leave, why didn't she just kick you out, then?"

"She learned from what happened with Andy," Sirius said, his grey eyes looking far away. "It embarrassed the family, especially my uncle Cygnus and aunt Druella. I reckon she thought it would be cleaner if I just left and then she could tell the family whatever she wanted."

They were both silent for several long moments. Remus wasn't quite sure what to say, and he couldn't really tell how Sirius was feeling about the situation, either. It was Sirius who spoke again first, spinning a blade of grass between his thumb and forefinger, not looking at Remus.

"I think it's the nicest thing she's ever done for me," he said quietly, looking down at his hands. "Just letting me leave. She's obviously never been the warm type, and I don't think I remember her ever making me feel like she cared even an ounce about me, but maybe a little part of her does."

He looked up at Remus, and Remus tried to rearrange his features so that he didn't look so horrified, or pitying, but Sirius smiled. "You don't have to look at me like that, Moony, I know I'm fucked up."

Remus couldn't help but smile back. "You are," he said. "But it's ok. There are worse things to be."

Sirius stared at him for a second, then burst out laughing. Remus began to laugh too, and then they were both cracking up. It felt good to Sirius, this dry humor that he and Remus could share. It seemed as if it was loosening something, both inside him and between him and Remus. Suddenly, there was a hot pressure at the back of his eyes.

When Sirius' laughter died out to be replaced with sobs, tears running down his face, Remus was not surprised, but simply held him. It was one of the first times that they had properly touched since all that had happened during the spring term. Remus was glad of it. Like Sirius, he had felt a softening happen, now that Sirius was vulnerable and hurting, too.

Of course, he hated Sirius being hurt. But maybe it was that this was how they had been able to relate to each other most before, through the pain, and that this would be the thing to rebuild what had been broken. Remus found he didn't really care why, as they clung to one another.

...

After their conversation, Remus and Sirius walked up the hill in silence to find James. It wasn't awkward, only comfortable, the tension in their air between them much less than before they had left for the summer. They found James flying around the clearing on his broom, and once he had gotten down, they spent an enjoyable afternoon together, walking around the hill and slouching down in the shade of the trees.

In the late afternoon, Peter finally joined them, running up the hill and finding them after a few minutes searching through the trees. Bradford being further away than where Remus lived, in the countryside near Cardiff, he had only just received the letter. After updating him on what had happened briefly, the boys got back to their easy conversation.

While they were talking, Remus felt a lump in his jacket pocket, pressed into him by the tree he was leaning up against. Curious, he felt around and drew out the objects in there. Of course, he thought. It was some of the pot he had leftover from the last full moon, along with the paper he used to roll a joint.

"Why did you bring that along?" Peter asked, snorting slightly with laughter. Remus rolled his eyes, stowing it back into his pocket.

"I didn't mean to, it was just in my pocket already."

"What does it feel like when you smoke it?" Sirius asked, curiously. "I mean, you said it made the pain easier. What else does it do?"

"It's hard to describe," Remus said contemplatively. "It makes me feel kind of detached from reality a bit. But in a good way. I dunno." He thought about it for another moment, then looked at Sirius, who was not looking at him, but staring off into the trees. Remus hesitated then asked, "Do you all want to try some?"

They had all said yes, in the end. Peter had been the most hesitant, but it was Remus saying, "You don't have to, Wormtail, you know. I just thought it might be fun," that made him agree, a smile breaking the cautious look on his face. James and Peter watched in fascination as Remus expertly rolled a joint, while Sirius' eyes, unseen by the rest, fixed on the hair that fell into his friend's eyes while he worked, rather than his hands.

When Remus was done, he swore. "Fuck, I don't have a lighter."

"Here," Sirius said, raising his wand and muttering a spell, lighting the end of the joint deftly. James shot him a look.

"You know my mum doesn't like it when we use magic out of school, whether or not the Ministry can tell you're doing it."

Sirius just smiled and shrugged, pocketing his wand again as Remus took a hit from the joint. He held the smoke in his lungs for a second before breathing out through his mouth, then offered it to Sirius.

"You'll want to take small puffs first," he said as Sirius took it. "Inhale it slowly and then hold it for a second, then breathe out slowly."

Sirius put the joint tentatively to his lips and inhaled. It burned slightly, and he coughed as he tried to hold it, exhaling quicker than he had intended. Remus laughed.

"It's normal to cough a bit as you get used to it," he said. "Don't worry though, it'll actually get you high more quickly."

Sirius, determined to get it right, took another inhale, this time not coughing, but letting the smoke out slowly. It looked kind of cool, he decided, handing it to James. James, to Sirius' annoyance, seemed to be quite good at smoking on his first try, not coughing at all, even with the large inhale he took.

Remus shook his head, laughing slightly, as James passed it on to Peter. "Did you forget the part when I said small puffs?" James just winked at him. Peter coughed a lot in both his first and second attempts taking a hit, and passed it back to Remus, grimacing slightly. The joint made a few more rounds before it was finished, all of the boys getting a better hang of it with time.

"That stuff hits fast," Sirius said once the pot had vanished out of sight and they were left sitting in a circle. He had not truly noticed it while they were still smoking, concentrated on the task, but now it hit him. Remus had been right; it did make him feel slightly out of touch with reality. The leftover aches in his body, too, seemed to become less important, less prominent, but perhaps that was just his attention leaving them.

"Like it?" Remus asked, turning his slightly bloodshot eyes onto Sirius. Sirius nodded, then looked over at James and Peter. James' mouth was open slightly, and he seemed to be gazing off into space, his eyes unfocused. Peter was humming under his breath. Sirius began to laugh, which caused James to start and close his mouth and Peter to look at him.

The sound of Sirius' laughter seemed to reverberate through his chest, his skin tingling in a strange way, the sound waves travelling through his body. Once he had stopped, he took a deep breath, expanding his lungs with the clean air, and grinned. "I'm glad you're all here," he said, grinning around at them. They all smiled lazily back at him.

...

Half an hour into the high, the four boys decided they all wanted to eat, so they trekked down the hill towards the little house. They tried to tiptoe in, hoping that neither of James' parents would find them in their state, though they still made quite a bit of noise together, especially when Peter knocked over a glass on the counter. Luckily, neither Euphemia nor Fleamont came to see what the commotion was about, so the marauders were left to scour the kitchen cupboards for something to eat.

"What about macaroni cheese?" James asked, lifting the box out of a high shelf and turning it to squint at the instructions.

"What's that?" Sirius asked, peering over James' shoulder.

"You've never had macaroni cheese?!" James demanded, turning to stare at Sirius incredulously. Sirius shrugged and shook his head.

"It's one of the best things in the world!" James exclaimed. "Ok, now we have to make it."

It turned out that Remus was the person who knew the most about cooking out of the four of them, so they let him fill the pot, bring it to a boil, then add the pasta, conversing in a slow, leisurely way as they waited, all looking around the kitchen as if they had never seen it before in their lives. Unfortunately this meant that not even Remus was paying enough attention to the pot as the pasta water began to boil up and over.

"Oh shit!" James exclaimed, running over to it and switching off the heat. It was too late, however, as it had already gotten onto the stove.

"I can clean it!" Sirius announced, taking out his wand and pointing it at the pot. Before any of them could stop him, the liquid in the pot on the stove exploded, half-cooked macaroni and pasta water hitting the walls with a loud smack.

They had only a moment to stare at each other in abject horror before they all started at the sound of a throat being cleared near the doorway. They turned to see Euphemia Potter standing there, her arms crossed, a single eyebrow raised at them, as if she had appeared out of thin air.

"Mum!" James squeaked, turning on the spot and looking extremely guilty.

"And what did you all think you were doing?" She asked, barely concealing a smile. The four boys looked around at each other, then turned back to face her.

"Making dinner?" James said slowly, his voice raising at the end in a question.

"Boxed macaroni cheese, I see," Euphemia said, nodding to the boxes on the counter. "Something hard to bungle, though I see you managed nevertheless."

"The water kind of...overflowed. Then Sirius tried to clean up by magic," James said. Euphemia nodded, amusement all over her face.

"That clearly backfired," she said. "As you know, Sirius, we do enforce the no magic outside of school rule in this house, so please hand over your wand." She held out her hand for his wand, and he sheepishly placed it in her palm. She smiled, then flicked her own wand so that the walls began to wipe themselves clean.

"There are leftovers in the fridge," she said, putting her wand in her pocket. Before turning to leave, she looked behind her and shook her head, smiling. "At least you didn't smoke in the house."

She exited the room, leaving them to exchange relieved looks and thank their lucky stars that Euphemia Potter didn't have a quick temper.


A/N: Happy Valentine's Day!

I'm sorry for the phrase "macaroni cheese." Trust me when I say I was horrified to learn that that's what they call mac and cheese in Britain.

Also, look! A semi-cheerful chapter, for once! I know I've had a pretty depressing last few, but things get better from here (and then eventually worse again, of course). There's always angst, but more in the normal teenager way rather than the "we're on the cusp of a war with wizard bigots" way.