A little shorter chapter today, but earlier than planned :)
Chapter 37 – The Truth Hurts
It felt like Ahsoka was trying to make things out in a thick fog. Everything was blurry - and somehow felt far away. She was vaguely aware that someone seemed to be examining her hand. Suddenly, she was on high alert as the memories came flooding back. Maul. The Zygerrians. How they had locked her in the cage, leering looks on their faces. Ahsoka had known immediately what they wanted.
Had one of the men now gained access to her cage? As fear and anger took over, Ahsoka blindly swung her fist in the direction she expected the creep to be. Her fist collided with something solid - and just a few moments later, a pained gasp was heard, eliciting a satisfied grin from Ahsoka. The hand retreated surprisingly carefully, as if the person didn't want to hurt her, but it didn't make any difference to the Padawan right now. She wouldn't let those slimeballs touch her. She was making another attempt to land another hit when suddenly a voice came through the haze in her head.
"Ahsoka, stop! It's me, you're safe!"
Her chest still rising and falling far too quickly, she let her arm stop, lifted in the air. She knew that voice. Slowly, her full consciousness returned and she realized who she had just successfully hit. Master Kenobi. The man had obviously been sitting next to her on the bed, trying to examine her broken hand, when Ahsoka had apparently placed her fist directly on his nose with a well-aimed swing. He was now standing next to her, eyes wide, one hand holding his nose, the other stretched slightly in front of him to calm her down.
She froze as she realized what had just happened.
"Master, I-" she started, but was quickly interrupted.
"It's okay, Ahsoka. You don't need to apologize. I should have expected such a reaction after what happened to you," he sighed, "I'm sorry, I thought it might be better to examine your arm while you were unconscious - save the pain."
Ahsoka was still staring wide-eyed at his face. He had really come for her. Maul's plan had failed. She was free.
As the silence began to stretch between them, she watched Obi-Wan's expression change, and he tilted his head a little.
"Are you-?" he began to ask, until suddenly an armful of Togruta flew toward him. Ahsoka didn't care about the code or what the Jedi taught about attachments. Force knew, they both needed it. She wrapped her arms around her Grandmaster's neck and buried her face in his chest. Everything just fell apart for her, and Ahsoka let it all go.
"When they said they were going to lure you in using me as a bait," she sobbed, "I thought that was the end. That I would never see either of you again."
An arm wrapped around her shoulders and a warm hand came to rest on her upper arm. The slight trembling of his fingers was still there.
"I should never have let him take you," he whispered, lowering his chin to her head, "I'm so sorry, Little One."
She lifted her head slightly from his chest, nudging his head away slightly to look him in the face. His second hand still rested against his nose, and she could see the steady flow of blood beginning to crust his beard. Ahsoka contorted her face in shame and let her gaze wander further up to his eyes. Typical of him, they were filled almost entirely with concern for her, but there was something else as well. A darkness? A touch of sickness? She quickly banished that thought. No, this was Master Kenobi they were talking about here. Steadfast and strong, but always gentle.
"Did I break your nose?" she wanted to know hesitantly.
Obi-Wan slowly withdrew from her embrace and carefully guided her back to the bed, where she settled on the edge. A small smile tugged on his lips.
"You've got quite the hook," he chuckled as he rubbed his nose, "Don't worry, it'll grow back together. You're not the first one to break my nose."
He briefly went into the adjoining bathroom and washed the blood off his face and hands before returning with a glass of water, which he placed in her hand.
"Here, you should drink something. You're still running a fever, even though I gave you something for the infection."
Pulling a chair over, he sat down across from her. "How are you feeling?" She could already see his nose starting to swell, and he sounded a little nasal, like he had a cold.
Ahsoka took a careful sip of the water, only now realizing how she was really feeling. Her skin was clammy with sweat and her entire arm still ached badly. The wound from the nail had been cleaned and covered with bacta and bandages. It felt better than before, but she still felt the heat of the infection coming from her hand. And then there were the broken bones that sent a sharp sting through her body with every movement. The only thing she could barely feel was the blaster wound on her leg, which was apparently already healing nicely from the bacta.
"Not so good..." she admitted, "my hand hurts pretty bad."
Obi-Wan hummed in response. "That's what I thought. Do you want me to have a look again?"
Ahsoka stretched her arm out to him and he carefully took it in both hands. His fingers hovered lightly over her hand and she felt him focus on the Force. After a moment, he reached for her fingers and gave each one a quick squeeze. "Does this hurt?"
She shook her head, watching his movements closely.
"Good."
He then placed her hand back in his palm. Ahsoka winced as the movement hurt. "It looks like a couple of your metacarpals are broken, but I can't tell if they're displaced. And I don't dare fix something that delicate."
"You had to set bones before?", she asked surprised.
Obi-Wan pursed his lips and nodded. "On Melida/Daan, we often didn't have proper medical care available. We were fortunate that a few of the older kids had learned a little about it during the war. Since I was one of the older ones too, I helped out with our field doctors more often than not."
He began to wrap her hand methodically.
"I think we should wait until we arrive on Alderaan and a real medic can have a look at it. How did that happen, anyway?"
Ahsoka gripped the sheets with her free hand. "It was Maul. I was trying to get free of the chains with a nail and he caught me; the bastard Force-crushed the nail in my palm and my hand right along with it."
It kind of surprised her that he didn't reprimand her for her language, but just nodded with a distant look in his eyes.
Catching onto it, she dared to ask the question. "Did you kill him? Maul, I mean."
Her grandmaster closed his eyes shortly and turned his head away. He was silent for a moment, before he finally answered. "Yes", he hesitated,"-he's dead."
He had finally killed his nemesis. But why did it seem like he almost regretted it?
"Do you regret it? Killing Maul?"
Obi-Wan shifted on the chair and folded his hands on his knees. "There are many things I regret. Maul- " he hesitated as he searched for the right words, "Maul brought out the worst in me. After he killed Qui-Gon that time, there was this anger inside me that I couldn't control. I- I used it and cut Maul in half... The Council debated after that whether I still had a place with the Jedi."
Ahsoka furrowed her brows. "Why? You defeated the first Sith in decades!"
"And have unjustly received my knighthood through it", he huffed, "It wasn't that simple, Ahsoka. The masters sensed that I had acted out of anger. They suspected I had used the Dark Side of the Force."
"Did you?"
He shook his head. "No, not that day. Master Plo was the only one who had my back when they put me on probation for months instead. They were going to take Anakin away from me. Said I wasn't a good influence for him. That I've been only made a knight because there was no one to teach me. If I'm honest, I don't remember how the boy was finally allowed to stay with me."
"You never told us that."
"I didn't want to. For years, I tried to put it behind me - but when Maul showed up again on Coruscant... Something snapped inside me. Maul attacked Satine and me that night shortly after he overpowered you. He pulled out a blaster and somehow managed to get me to shoot Satine."
Obi-Wan swallowed hard. "I thought I killed her."
Ahsoka had the feeling that he was just telling her something that he would otherwise never openly admit. The Jedi Master was usually very secretive, careful to keep his feelings and thoughts to himself. Something had to have changed. She let him continue talking.
"I tried to save her, but Force healing had never been one of my gifts. I was... desperate. So, I used the Dark Side and fell."
He lifted his gaze and looked into her eyes. Sure enough, there was a tinge of yellow in his iris.
"That's what you sensed in me earlier. The Dark Side."
"But you turned back."
"I did. But since then- I don't feel like myself anymore. When I finally encountered Maul on Zygerria again and brought him down… I felt no regret. I would do it again. And after I was finished with him… I continued with the Zygerrians."
He straightened himself on his seat. "I always tell myself that these people were evil, that it was the right thing to do. But what if at some point I can't tell the difference? When I hurt the people I care about. When I can't make myself regret things anymore."
"You would never hurt us," Ahsoka objected, "You don't feel cold, at least not to me. I would always trust you with my life. Dark side or not, I don't care. You didn't turn into a monster. And I think Satine and Anakin will feel the same way."
As soon as the words left her mouth, her grandmaster flinched involuntarily. She knew immediately that there had to be more he had yet to tell her.
"There's more", she stated silently, eyeing him carefully.
"What do you feel inside the Force?" he murmured, still not looking at her again.
Ahsoka frowned, but focused on the Force. It was calm, but at the same time somehow restless. Like a hunted animal that was on the run. It took her a moment to realize it. What she felt was not really the Force, but only the presence of her grandmaster. He shielded her.
"Why are you shielding me?"
"Something happened during the time you were cut off from the Force, Ahsoka." Obi-Wan absently kneaded his fingers and somehow that made her all the more nervous.
"Master, you are scaring me. Please stop speaking in riddles."
"Do you remember our conversation about Chancellor Palpatine? How he felt in the Force?" His voice carried something heavy that Ahsoka didn't know if she really wanted to find out.
"Yes?"
"We were right. There was something wrong with him - The man was our wanted Sithlord."
Obi-Wan turned his head again and looked at her. His eyes were glazed over. "He branded the Jedi as traitors. And he uses the clones to do it... They're all under the influence of control chips."
A single tear began to run down his cheek. "They burned down the temple..." his voice broke, "and slaughtered everyone, children and adults... No one knows how many of us are still alive. But our numbers are dwindling every second. I didn't want you to have to find out through the Force, so I'm shielding you."
Ahsoka felt an icy chill run down her spine as his words began to sink in. Her friends. Her home. All gone.
"What about Anakin?", she croaked. She was really realizing the absence of her master only now. But Obi-Wan would never leave him behind - would he?
The Jedi Master visibly stilled and his eyes saddened so much, that it almost began to hurt Ahsoka physically.
"I'm so sorry… I- I lost him to Palpatine", he whispered, "That monster had a chip put in him. Anakin - now Vader - is no longer himself... he tore out our bond before the clones tried to execute me. I can't feel him any longer."
"No", she breathed, "no, no, No! It can't be!"
This could not be true. Her master would never do such a thing. He was stronger than that Sithlord. She couldn't believe it - and didn't want to.
"Ahsoka, I-."
"Please go."
Obi-Wan's mouth snapped shut with a clack, and he looked at her silently.
"Please, let me-."
Ahsoka shook her head violently again. "No, I need to be alone."
Her Grandmaster nodded curtly and rose from his chair. "Okay," he muttered, looking defeated, "if you need anything, you'll find me in the cockpit."
Hanging his head low, he limped toward the door, dragging his foot even worse than usual. He must have injured himself, but Ahsoka couldn't care about that now.
No, she needed time to think. And she could only do that alone, even if the rejection hurt him. Inwardly, she knew that her grandmaster was not to blame - yet she knew no other way to help herself.
