Xander stared at himself in the bathroom as he washed his hands.
Self-conscious he closed his eyes and let himself think for a moment or two before he opened them again. Giving himself one last look in the bathroom before leaving it, he walked back into the main hall where Buffy was fixing her hair awkwardly, she turned to him.
"I need to know something like what this is?" He asked her his arms folded. "I need to know that you weren't just looking for just a fuck."
"Why are you mad?" Buffy said back to him.
"Or that this isn't just some phase," he continued. "Some urge you have. Or this is just you going to your back up plan now that Riley and Angel have left." She glared angrily back at him and he sighed. "I just… I need to know that this is real for you. I've wanted this for so long and giving up what I have with Anya… I just need to know." He finished.
She looked at him knowing that she would be fighting his insecurity war at some point. She moved forward until she was standing just in front. "I didn't plan for this… or expect any of this. I'm used to controlling things and defining things. For so long we have been great lifelong friends that I got used to that… then after Riley left… you were always there for me. Someone to talk to and someone to listen. Plus, your career and shiny new apartment, I guess I saw a different side to you… I like it."
She's uneasy, nervous, sounding like a normal girl and so far, removed from the slayer. He knew that admission wasn't easy for her. But she still had a ways to go to convince him of all this. "My insecurities have insecurities Buffy." He confessed. "I have been a jerk to you many times. You know how I feel about Angel and all that. I just worry that I can measure up to that in the ways that matter to you."
"We can only try if you are willing…" She assured him, pulling their joined hands between them. Xander looked at her. She seemed sincere and honest. She was looking at him on the verge of tears. He gave her the one answer that seemed right.
XXXXXXXXX
Spike lay on his bed, closed his eyes and tried to not think of her. Tried to rid her from his mind. He could feel her, almost see her there in his mind. The image of her burnt into his memory. She was alone. She should never be alone, she could never be alone, she was his. At least she didn't have that blasted slayer there keeping her prisoner. He reached out and saw her image disappear. Fool always when he had what he wanted within his grasp did it simply slip and fade away. He wanted her. Craved her. The Joyce in his head didn't do it for him anymore, it wasn't enough. He wanted *tight* and *warm* on his dick, not the chill embrace of Mistress Palm and her friends.
He needed to fuck something.
He exited his room and wandered around looking at some of his new minions. Kids barely even vampires. Hardly a few decades of experience between them. Cocky little rats with dreams of taking over the world. Had he been similar? Who cares. He grabbed one a young and female with red hair and some trashy dress. "You!" Spike barked and she looked up from her meal. "What's your name?"
"Sarah," she said nervously. She was new here and heard some stories about this guy talking to her.
"Whatever! Come with me." He ordered and Sarah followed him rather nervously. He took her back to his room and slammed the door shut. Message to all. Do not disturb.
He shoved her against the wall and kiss and groped her hard. She winced and tried to match his movements and actions but gasped as he bit her shoulder roughly. He sucked at the wound; her blood ran down his throat, sweet and cold and thin, spiced slightly by her fear of him. But he could tell she was inexperienced and lacking the depth of… do not say her name! Growling this wasn't enough! He picked her up and threw her on his bed. Her skirt rode up, revealing her panties and he ripped them off. She screamed as he thrust himself into her with no mercy. She was tight, good and tight but there was no warmth to it. She was not Joyce! He raged as he pounded into her, sank his teeth into her again and again, made her beg and scream till she was hoarse, but it still wasn't enough. It wasn't real. He squeezed his eyes shut and visualized her, his Joyce. He thrusted and moved but there was nothing. This girl was not his queen.
He moved out and off her cursing. "Get out!" He barked at her. She looked at him frightened and confused. "I said get out!" He snarled grabbing her by the hair, dragging her across the road and throwing her out. He slammed the door and slid down it to a heap on the floor.
Was this what he was reduced to? A pathetic shell of a man? It was worse than death. Worse than any stake in the heart. Spike almost felt like crying and could feel himself getting to that stage. No, he wouldn't do it. He steadied himself and got to his feet. He was not some useless creature but something to be feared.
He would find his queen and show her what she is missing.
XXXXXXXXXX
Xander walked uneasy into the magic store. He could do this. He was going to do this. He was going to man up and talk to Anya. This was the right thing to do. The only thing he could do. Even if he had said no to Buffy he would still break up with Anya. She didn't deserve any of this. Didn't deserve some cheating scum of a boyfriend sneaking around and having sex with a friend twice now. He had seen a bad marriage, first-hand. Grew up dodging the fallout from one. His and Anya's relationship didn't deserve to live in Buffy's shadow.
He walked slowly seeing Buffy, Willow and Tara sitting at the table. Buffy avert her eyes but then looked back at him with a sheepish grin. He saw Anya there behind the counter. She looked beautiful. She was funny, insightful, wonderfully weird and stunning in her own right. One hell of a catch who didn't deserve to be compared to anyone.
"Hey," He said trying to sound and act casually. "Can we… umm talk?"
"Is this still about how weird you were acting this morning? Or about how you didn't want to have sex last night?" Anya bluntly asked him. He shifted around suddenly aware that much of the store had heard that. Buffy herself flinched which Willow couldn't help but pick up on.
Xander gritted his teeth. He hadn't managed to break it off with her last night partly because he didn't know what to say and mainly because he hadn't worked up the nerve. It was now or never. "Neither… I mean both… I mean," he took a breath and looked at her honestly. "Can we go somewhere and talk?"
Anya looked at him with confusion before turning to Joyce who was coming down the stairs with Giles from putting away some supplies upstairs. Joyce nodded and Anya and Xander moved into the backroom. Buffy looked uneasy as they went, and Willow frowned taking in Buffy's mood. She seemed uneasy and slightly nervous. Since they had arrived at the Magic shop a couple of hours ago her eyes had darted to the door every so often as if she were expecting someone. Knowing your best friend, and then knowing your best friend very well are two starkly different things. There was an air of mystery about her.
Behind the counter Joyce looked into the direction of the backroom as her slayer hearing picked up the conversation that was occurring between Xander and Anya. Despite the door closed she could hear everything that was being said. She turned to her daughter to see if she was hearing the same thing, but Buffy pretended to not be able to. What Xander had just said caused Joyce to turn back at the door opened mouth in shocked.
Tara noticed this "What's the matter?" She asked Joyce politely.
Before she could reply Anya burst out of the backroom in tears followed by Xander following her.
"Anya, I..." Xander attempted to apologise.
"What?" She span round in anger. "What have you possibly got to say for yourself? You jerk!"
He flinched under her gaze, then said quietly, "I'm sorry it has to be like this."
"I gave you everything!" She exclaimed in tears. "I cooked for you! I stroked your fragile male ego! I was there for you when none of these people were!" She cried gesturing to the others in the room. "I do gave you everything you could ask for and more!" She cried. Giles started ushering the customers out of the room sensing that this was a serious situation. Willow stood up looking between the Xander and Anya in the middle of the room.
"What's going on?" She asked looking at Xander.
Xander lowered his head ashamed. "Sorry I coming need a minute here."
"No!" Anya yelled in rage. "I want everyone of your friends to know what a pathetic joke of a man you are!" She turned away from him with disgust in his eyes. "Xander is dumping me!" She declared.
All the room's eyes turned to him and Xander suddenly wanted the ground to eat him up. "Yeah, that's kind of right." He stammered very self-conscious. A mounting swell of anger came over Anya that Xander knew was justified and yet he still hoped to somehow quell.
"But why?" Joyce asked as far as she knew they were just a quirky, solid couple with their own interests and delights. Xander was happy with Anya and she with him.
"It's complicated." Xander said quickly. He knew whatever excuses he said would be useless here.
"Well perhaps you can uncomplicate it for me!" Anya hissed at him. "I'm sorry I am struggling to understand this complex human decision!"
"Anya perhaps you should have this conversation elsewhere?" Giles offered moving back into the shop after closing the front door. What the bloody hell is going on here now? Giles wondered looking at various people in the room.
"No! All he has told me is that he wants to break up with me and I want to know the reason for it right now!" Anya demanded looking right at Xander who squirmed. He didn't want it to go down like this. He hadn't wanted to hurt Anya so badly. He'd seen her grow over the years from a vicious, man-hating demon to a still-tactless, money-loving capitalist. It used to swelled his heart to think that he might have had a hand in that and now he had broken it. He tried to look everywhere but his eyes fell on Buffy who had very much been quiet and shrinking as the conversation had been going on.
You could hear a pin drop in the living room. Literally.
"You have got to be kidding me!" Willow simply could not believe this with such emotion that it surprised her as well as everyone else in the room. She looked instantly crestfallen.
"Buffy!" Joyce said with disappointment written all over her face.
"With her!?" Anya croaked out looking at Xander with hurt in her eyes. This was unbelievable. She turned to Buffy with fury in her eyes. "What your relationship with G.I Joe went down the pan so now you have to ruin everyone else's?!"
"I'm sorry, Anya. We didn't want to tell you this way." Buffy said weakly getting to her feet.
Anya spun round to look at Xander. "You didn't tell me about her you just said it was over!"
"I'm sorry Anya I know this is hard!" Xander began looking nervous and unsure of himself.
Anya cut him off. "Were you planning on telling me, or was this just gonna be a secret fling you wanted to keep secret for another day?"
"Look, it's not like that." Xander defended.
"Then how is it?" Anya snapped at him.
Willow turned to Buffy who was biting her lip at how things were proceeding. "This has been going on for a while hasn't it?"
Crap. Crap. Double crap. "What? I… what makes you say that?" Buffy barely managed to say looking like a deer in headlights. Playing dumb was never her strong suit. Xander was no help at all, seeing as how he had his hands full with Anya.
"Because of the way you have been acting and the way you are acting now!" Willow said the edge to her voice was unmistakable. "You think I'm blind to it? All the looks and the tension between you two." Suddenly weeks of moments and actions from both of them that she had dismissed where now there front and centre.
"This has nothing to do some with high school crush Anya!" Xander's loud voice brought both of their attention.
"Oh, what, are you two in love?" Anya mocked. "Is that what this is?" Xander turned to Buffy and she couldn't help but glance away. "Oh, god, don't look. Don't look at her!" Anya yelled at him wanting to smack him so much. With a forceful stride Anya moved over to Buffy. "Why now? You could have had him so many times over the years and why now? You get bored? Wanted to see how us mere mortals slummed it?" Anya all but screamed at Buffy who flinched at the attack before Giles pulled her back.
She felt worse than terrible. She felt sick with regret. She couldn't deal with this. The look that borderline on resentful from Willow, Giles's less than enthusiastic mood, Anya's anger and betrayal and her mother's disappointment. She had to get out. "I'll just go and give you guys some space!" Buffy said and moved quickly grabbing her coat and moving out of the store in a rushed manner. Xander stood there shocked at her leaving him, leaving things like this.
Joyce rolled her eyes at Buffy's escape. Her running out of the room was a now classic Summers reaction. Joyce recognised it for what it was and was not about to let her eldest daughter away so lightly. Moving past Giles, she followed Buffy out the door.
Anya couldn't help but let out a bark of laughter. "Wow she is a real keeper Xander!" She muttered shrugging off Giles.
Xander stood there at a loss of what to do and say. He looked and saw Willow's glare right back at him. He had screwed this up badly. Things were now a mess.
"You know what Xander I pity you. I almost feel sorry for you. I'm sorry that the slayer stole your heart all those years ago and its prevented you ever accepting an adult relationship." Anya said bitterly before brushing past him and leaving him there.
XXXXXXX
"Running away?" Joyce said as she caught up with Buffy who was still walking quickly.
"I just need to give them some space to talk things out," Buffy said still moving.
"No what they need is for you to go right back in there and take some reasonability for actions!" Joyce hissed at her getting in front of her daughter stopping her from walking.
"I didn't force Xander to do anything he didn't want to do!" Buffy defended herself.
"No but you are letting him take all the blame for this!" Joyce corrected. "He is in there right now probably being tore apart and instead of supporting him you are running away from your issues!"
"Well, I wonder where I learned that from?" Buffy deadpanned and Joyce was fuming. Buffy was testing her limits these days. But she calmed down as she loved her even now when she had her petulant teenager act down pat. And she still wouldn't look at her in the eye. Patience. Loving Buffy Summers required such patience.
"I have made mistakes I will admit that!" Joyce growled before taking a breath and softening her tone. "But I want to try and make sure that you do not make a huge one. Buffy at the end of the day, Xander and Willow, they're gonna stay friends and unless you act maturely you and Xander will not last and you're gonna end up alone. All right? No boyfriend, no friends, just completely and utterly alone. Think about it."
XXXXXX
Willow sat across from him at the table in the magic shop. She looked none too pleased, and he had a feeling what she was going to say before she said it, so he just blurted it out. "You think I'm making a huge mistake, don't you?"
They could read each other so well though to be fair Willow felt her uninspired expression she was wearing allowed him to cheat. "I think you are drowning yourself in a fantasy." She uttered honestly.
"I asked her the same thing and she says she is serious about us… about me." Xander replied. Who was he trying to convince himself or her? This was big. Huge, even. Monstrous and he honestly couldn't see how bad it all was?
"Well, you'll forgive me for not feeling overwhelmed with joy at that declaration," Willow deadpanned.
Xander grew angrier by the second. "You could at least try and pretend to be happy for me."
"Happy?! Would you prefer I lie?" Willow almost laughed. "That you did this? That you know… to give up your relationship with Anya… to give up everything. God, how could you be so stupid, Xander? You know you're gonna get hurt. She is never going to love you like you want her too!"
"You don't know that!" Xander snapped back.
"I know you Xander!" Willow snapped back. "I know slayers make you so hot you can't think straight!"
What could he say to that? How was he supposed to react? It was the truth he supposed. He had done plenty of stupid things in the name of Buffy. He had risked his own life on occasion and said some things he wished he could take back when she disappointed him. "You could try being happy for your two friends." He said finally. "You know have an open mind!"
Same eyes, same grin, same Xander, same clueless moron. Willow couldn't help but laugh again. "I love Buffy and I love you, but I know you both. Buffy has many great qualities but also quite a few negatives. She can be closed off, needy and get so wrapped up in her own problems that she forgets about us… you really think you can change all that?"
"I knew you would be like this you have never been gun ho about any of my relationships!" Xander muttered shaking his head.
"Mainly because they are all doomed from the start!" Willow fired back.
"I don't need a lecture Will! Just some support!" Xander told her. This confrontation was the last thing he needed.
"Why? Your relationship with Buffy already on thin ice?" She responded dryly.
She was perceptive his Willow. Always able to read his mind before he had even processed his thoughts. "Way to go, Wills. Knew I could get some assurance and words of wisdom from you." Turning his back on her, he ran his hand slowly through his hair. Everything's a mess in his life right now, and it seems in the lives all those he loves most. There are no answers, and none of the questions seem to make sense.
"You're afraid," Willow called out when Xander stood to his feet, turning to walk off. "She doesn't love you and you know it," she proclaimed after he walked out the store. The words offered her no joy or pleasure. They were merely the truth.
