Chapter Sixty-Six – Hope
It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. Lin blinked away the error messages about his rising stress levels as his nails dragged down the wall. The fingers of his right hand rested on the smooth edge of his power core and pressed down. He couldn't do it. He couldn't live knowing that thing was in there. He couldn't bear to let John go, so he made himself a copy…It's sick…Lin thought, choking on his own sob. He'd hoped so badly. He'd wanted to believe that John was really still there, really still…
"Wait." Markus' soothing voice urged, his hand covering Lin's as he pressed it against the synthetic flesh, stopping his trembling fingers from twisting the core. "You need to hear us out. John's scared, and he needs you right now." The rebellion leader urged in his convincing tone. Lin's gaze hardened as he turned his head to look at Markus. He didn't know what they were getting out of this, but it was sick.
"That thing isn't John…John died in my arms." Lin decided firmly as he pushed shakily to his feet.
"Don't be so quick to think that." Markus cut in, blocking off Lin's exit. "I can't blame you for being sceptical, it's a lot to deal with. The least you should do before making a final decision is listen to the facts." The charismatic leader insisted, sounding reasonable as ever. Lin's jaw hardened again. He didn't want to listen. Listening would make him hope, trick him into believing that that thing was really John. It wasn't. You could add as many bells and whistles to it as you liked, but it was impossible to turn a human into a machine. I don't think my thirium pump can take this…
"So? Will you hear me out?" Elijah asked hopefully as he stepped into the corridor. The only one not present was John, for which Lin was grateful. He couldn't stand looking at it. The android had John's motions down exactly. He reacted exactly the way he'd expect John to. The hurt. The tears. The lip biting. The whimpers. "As I was saying, we injected him with nanites. They're an experimental prototype designed to break down biological matter and recreate it, absorbing the original material as a base pattern." The scientist explained.
"Are you…telling me the nanites ate John's brain?" Lin asked in horror, a sick feeling rising in his throat. As an android he couldn't even throw up and he felt sick. He leaned heavily on the wall. Kamski almost seemed amused at the suggestion.
"In a manner of speaking…More…converted it. The biological matter is still there, crystalised and encased within the metallic compound…Sort of like crystalised embalming in a sense." Elijah explained, shaking his head as he realised he was side tracking himself. "Anyway, the nanites broke down, encased and copied every part of his brain and synapses. Every thought John has ever had, every feeling he's ever felt, everything he's ever known and forgotten. It's all there. Once the nanites had completed their task they were injected into a new custom made body, recreated exactly, down to the last hair. He is John, in every sense of the word." Elijah insisted, but still Lin shook his head.
"You took a dying human, infested his brain with machines that ate him alive from the inside, and used them to create a perfect copy…He may walk and talk like John, but it can't be John…It'll never be John." Lin insisted, watching Elijah's expression twist in frustration. Markus held a hand up before his over protective creator could argue further. The scientist relented, waving his arms as he excused himself to return to his lab. He still had more work to do in assisting John's rehabilitation.
"I can't say I don't understand your worries…There is literally no way of knowing who's wrong or right at this point…What I do know is that on the other side of that door there's a scared boy, and all he wants is you…He has a long road ahead, the first human-android hybrid…He's going to have to defend himself from this exact argument for the rest of his life, or at least until Kamski can figure out a way to prove his side…Are you really going to let him do that alone?" Markus asked gently, offering his hand to link. He wanted to share it, whatever he'd seen. Lin looked at the white surface. He wasn't sure he wanted to see it. He wasn't sure he'd be strong enough to reject even a fake version of John. If he got too close he knew he'd give in to it. "Just let me show you." The android urged.
Lin was hesitant as he finally reached out, blinking as his mind touched Markus'. At first he got a lot of disconnected memories. Painting. An old man. A large house. A gunshot. Crawling through a junk yard. Fear. Anger. Pain. The protest. Despair. Hope. Love. North. Kamski. He finally slowed, focusing in on the most recent memories. It was his connection with John. He could see and feel it as if her were Markus.
He sat in the chair beside John's bed, blue eyes wide and fearful as he looked around without really seeing. Within John's head things were a mess. He closed notifications off and fixed the small errors where he could. John was clearly confused and afraid. He had no idea what these messages were or what they meant or how to fix them. He needed to be taught how to do those things. He was brand new. First time online. First time online with a human mind that didn't understand what it was. He was terrified.
The blonde tried to speak, a single name barely breaching his uncalibrated vocal processors. He shouldn't even have been able to use them yet, but he was desperate. Within his mind a floodgate opened, images of Lin. He saw all of their memories together, a strong sense of love and need attached. He was scared. He needed Lin desperately. He didn't want to be alone. He needed help. Lin watched Markus reaching out, calming the teen with his own thoughts. Still all John wanted was Lin.
"After all you've been through are you really willing to leave him now?" Markus asked as their connection broke. Lin said nothing as he leaned against the wall and looked at his feet. "John said he wanted to stay for a while…I'll let you decide whether you'll see him or not." The android leader decided as he looked to North and held his hand out. North slipped her hand into his and nodded to Lin, quietly encouraging him as they headed after Kamski. The first human-android hybrid…That explains their interest…Lin thought as he looked at the closed doorway.
Did he dare take that chance? Things would never be the same. John would never be the same John again. He wouldn't feel or smell the same. He wouldn't age. Just because he was a perfect copy, running on a preserved version of John's brain, did that mean he was John? What about the RG600 they'd saved? They tore out his memory and put it in a whole new unit. Was he rejected by his partner? No. But was it the same thing? Also no. Did the nanites tear out John's brain and plug it into a different body? Perhaps. Does that mean it's really John? Inconclusive. Do I miss John? Yes. Do I need John? Yes. Can I hope for even a minute that this is really John?
Lin felt his foot take the first step towards the door and recoiled. He didn't feel ready. He didn't feel that he could look it in the eye. How could he look past the fact that it was a machine? Like me…He's like me…The perfect copy of a human, made to replace another…That almost made it feel worse. He opened the door hesitantly, forcing his eyes up to search for the blonde. He hadn't moved from where he'd fallen, though he'd shifted from his knees to cross his legs. His cheeks were still wet as he stared at the patch of ground in front of him. His head jerked up, hope in his eyes as he caught sight of Lin, a small sound sticking in his throat. It was the exact reaction Lin could have predicted.
Lin didn't know what to say as he approached slowly, and it seemed John was too scared to speak, lest Lin reject him again. Lin sat and crossed his legs, pushing down the urge to reach out and smooth John's ruffled locks. They weren't John's locks. John seemed worn, tired, jittery, and all of this despite his android body. It seemed Kamski had made a special model for John, mimicking human reactions perfectly. Mimicking John's actions perfectly…
"Lin, I…" John trailed off eventually, his voice quivering as he dropped his head, his shoulders shaking as he tried not to cry. "I'm scared…I'm scared." He cried, covering his face with both hands and sniffling quietly. Lin watched the tears slipping between his fingers. They weren't salty anymore. They'd be saline, like his own. Slightly oilier. His skin was flushing pink as it usually would when he cried. Obviously a programmed response. "Everything's different! I keep seeing things! Everywhere! Boxes and boxes and messages and messages and I don't know what to do, or how to turn them off and my head, it's just full and full and it doesn't stop!" The teen wailed helplessly. It seemed whatever stability Markus had given him was only temporary. Temporary until I was reactivated? That's…cruel…
They were forcing this on him. They knew what was happening in John's head. Any android could link with him. Any android could ease his suffering, so why did it have to be him? Why did they have to do this to him? It was too painful to be faced with such a perfect copy of the human he'd loved. It hurt. It cut so deep that Lin would quite happily tear out his power core and crush it. Small hands reached for him, but hesitated inches from his arms. This was a mistake! Lin realised as he pushed himself to his feet and turned away.
"Lin please! Don't leave me!" John begged as he crawled to his knees. Lin paused with his hand on the doors. "Please…" The blonde added desperately, the tall android leaning his forehead against the door. He should leave. He should leave and deactivate himself. He breathed out, unable to force his hand to push the door's exit button. He looked over his shoulder to see John leaning down, his head on the ground as he fisted his hands and cried.
"I'm not leaving." Lin replied as he turned back, unable to argue with the ache in his chest as he returned to John in four long steps and hauled the teen up into his arms. He felt his thirium pump racing as he held the teen against his chest. It felt right. It felt exactly the same. He tightened his hold as John quivered, fingertips digging into Lin's biceps needily. "I'm here…I'm here…" The taller man soothed as he pressed gentle kisses into John's hair, just as soft and fluffy as he remembered, though he knew a more detailed scan would show him the difference.
"Lin…" John murmured hesitantly after a while, quietly afraid the Asian would change his mind. Lin looked down at John's puffy red eyes as he hesitantly raised his hand. "Can we…" He trailed off uncertainly, the suggestion dawning on Lin. It was what he'd always wanted. The one form of contact forever denied him with John due to his humanity. Lin hesitated. This was an intimacy he'd longed to share with John, but was it right to risk doing it with what may not really be John?
"Relax." Lin murmured with a hesitant nod. He kept one arm around John as he raised his own hand. His flesh drew back automatically as his body recognised another unit's linking port. John watched in something between fascination and horror as his own skin receded, looking up at Lin warily. Lin held him a little tighter before making the link, knowing it would jar the teen.
Lin could barely control the flow of what he was seeing. John was a book, open on about a million different pages at once. He had no control over his linking processes. Lin reached out, forcing order into the chaos. The flow slowed and soon Lin could easily experience anything he wanted. He could see it all. John's happy childhood with Donald and his sister, running around the Kamski house with Chloe, helping Elijah on secret projects, starting his own projects, his half-brother, David, GT300, the shop, Lin.
Lin focused on their memories, experiencing their whole relationship from John's side. The sadness and sympathy when he'd found him. The desperation he'd felt when searching for a power core. The self-hate he experienced when trying to ignore his sexual attraction, worried he was using Lin. The excitement and lust their first night together, the memory of which was slightly hazy. His embarrassment and shame the next morning. The gentle love he developed over the next few weeks and months. The need he had for Lin's presence. The certainty he'd felt that he was doing the right thing in the end. The guilt he felt as he'd left Lin in the crowd to complete his chosen mission. The pain and cold as he lay dying. Love as he looked up at Lin. Love and pain. He then experienced the vulnerability of waking up in a different body, not understanding anything. How? Why? John wasn't even certain whether he was really himself. Every time Lin rejected him was like a knife in his heart. It made him doubt himself. It caused him pain. The relief he felt when Lin finally embraced him. Warmth. Love. Need. So much need.
"John." Lin murmured for the first time. John looked up at him as their connection broke. His eyes filled as he looked up desperately. "John." The Asian sighed again, relief filling him as he finally leaned down to claim John's lips. The teen was almost startled. He'd been so uncertain. He didn't know whether Lin would truly accept him after their connection. He's real…There's no way that could be faked, John's really in there somewhere. Lin thought with certainty as he dragged his lips across John's lazily. A small sound escaped John's throat as Lin claimed his mouth. The same sound he always made. A small trill of pleasure that said he was Lin's. Lin held on tighter. "I was so sure I'd lost you." The android admitted shakily as he hefted John into his arms and held him there, supporting his thighs as John's legs hooked around his waist.
"I thought you had, I didn't know, I wasn't sure I was…me…" John cried, his hands running through Lin's hair and caressing his strong neck. He was desperate for affection, accepting as many kisses as Lin would offer. They could have been standing there for hours for all Lin knew. He only stopped when a polite cough sounded from the doorway, both looking across with tear streaked faces to see Kamski standing there.
"I still have some alterations to make, and upgrades…Lots of upgrades." The older man stated, clearly excited about getting to play scientist with his nephew. Lin was suddenly protective as he held John closer, the hybrid having no complaints as he nuzzled his ebony locks. "Quickly Little John! To the bat cave!" His uncle called, in a tone John hadn't heard in some years. Lin quirked an eyebrow, though he vaguely recalled Kamski saying that in one of John's memories when referring to his lab.
