A/N: This insomnia is kicking my ass, so I guess I'll go ahead and post in this the middle of the night. Hopefully it will pass soon as my mind was too full of mush to do any writing yesterday at all. Not good. I will make no guarantees for next week aside from at least one AM and YnB each. Hopefully there will be more. Especially considering. Mwahaha! (Future you will understand).
Thank you to Warpands57 and NewPuppy for letting me harass and rant at them. Also great big thanks to my beta ilovemysteries for being super.
And I'm going to be super cryptic and say I ALMOST used the EH, but went with the IE. But the EH is totally implied.
Chapter 20
Feeling Dead in Dallas
When I woke up, Eric was sitting on the foot of the bed. I was on my side facing the wall, and he was behind me, on the side of the bed closest to the door. He must have spent the day in another room off of this hallway; the sun hadn't even set yet. According to the clock on the bedside table, there was almost a half hour to go.
"I did not ask if you were alright with the bond."
"No, you didn't."
"You were upset."
"Yes, I was."
"You were shielding, but I could have asked. You were… distant."
"You told me to let you feel it when I went into bloodlust. I did and it sent you into bloodlust. And you were hurting me. I could have stopped myself, but not after all of that."
"You trusted me."
"Yes. I did. It wasn't all your fault, but…"
"But I am the one with experience. The one whose blood created the bond. The one who told you to let me feel it. The one who hurt you."
"Yeah."
"And then I hurt you again. Badly. Last night in the limousine."
"You could say that."
"I have apologized more in the past few weeks than I did in the millennium before. But, Sookie... I am sorry."
"I thought we meant a hell of a lot more to each other than that, Eric. You can be damn sure that I wouldn't introduce you to anyone as my handler. I'm not a fucking show dog."
"Sookie, please look at me."
I didn't want to face him. I didn't think I could. But he sounded like he was begging, and Eric didn't beg. I sat up and looked at him, crossing my arms.
"I love you."
"That's playing really fucking dirty."
He sighed. "I'm not playing, Sookie. Dammit. I hate this."
"Join the club."
"My gods, you are impossible!"
"Now you're starting to get it. Jesus Christ, Eric, it took you long enough. You only had a file a foot thick warning you. You should have known exactly what you were getting into going in."
"Bullshit. I have read every word more than once and you are nothing like the girl in that file."
"Bullshit. I am the girl in that file."
He put his head in his hands. "I don't know what to do to fix this."
"Maybe it can't be fixed. Maybe I'm just too fucked up to do this."
He looked up again, and he looked pissed. "That's bullshit, Sookie. You are incredibly resilient. Stronger than anyone I've ever met. And as you said, you can pretty much do whatever the hell you set your mind to."
Fuck him for throwing that back in my face. And I felt anything but strong right then. He got up and knelt on the floor next to where I was on the bed. He took my hands. Fuck him again. I felt my resolve crumbling.
"Sookie, please. I love you. Please just…" His voice trailed off.
I sighed. "I love you, too."
I was just drained. I didn't want to fight any more. I pulled my hands free and scooted over and laid down facing him. He undressed and slid into bed beside me, wrapping me in his arms.
"I'm sorry it took me so long to say it."
"I know, Sookie. I am sorry, too. For everything." He kissed my forehead.
I wrapped my arms around him, too, and we just held each other for a little while. I was glad that the football game wasn't until the next night. I couldn't face it that day.
He licked my cheeks and I realized that I'd been crying. I felt hollow, and the emptiness ached.
"Can we just stay in here for a while?"
"Yes. I told Stan last night that you were unwell. I think he thinks I'm… I believe the expression is pussy whipped?"
"Well, if the motorcycle boot fits, or whatever."
He snorted and squeezed me a little tighter, kissing my forehead again. I sighed and just kind of melted into him. My pain and resentment didn't really go away, but they deflated, at least.
"I guess you're the laughing stock of the vampires now. I'm sure we had quite the audience last night. And today, too, for that matter."
He said, "Most are just rising now. I just felt Pam, and she is older than many. As for the rest? I don't give a fuck." And then he whispered, "Stan was aware of your reputation. Stan and Isabel are close. Or at least they were. She used to belong to this nest. They were warned not to hold you to vampire standards. That the rules for the government are different. And that, due to your volatility, you must be treated… delicately. And frankly, lover, they respect me more now. I was credited with your politeness, which was very unexpected, as well as for having to put up with you." He kissed my nose. Hmpf. And then he whispered, "But they are also incredibly jealous. Everyone wants you."
I whispered back, "Yeah yeah yeah, and I'm yours. I don't know what in the fuck they were surprised for. I am polite, for the most part. Unless someone really pisses me off. And I even think I'm mostly fair. Why does everyone always think the worst of me? Even when I was little, everyone thought I was creepy, crazy, or both."
"I don't. Pam doesn't."
"No. I know. But just about everyone else?"
"I know. And that's why I said that you aren't like the girl in the file, Sookie. They didn't know you at all. Not really."
"But those pictures are me. Those scans and test results and the work I put in. The accomplishments. Good things said about me, too. That was all me. And even the terrible things they did to me. You can't just erase what I've been through and what I've done. It's who I am."
He sighed. "I understand that. I wasn't trying to discount your experiences and accomplishments. But you are so much more than what is in that file. And, despite what Stan and the others think, that had nothing to do with me."
Well, I had definitely changed because of Eric, but I also had never been the monster they had thought me to be. I wondered how much of the negativity trickled down from Dr Beaumont.
I wanted to get this conversation over with. "What about all of the top secret shit they all overheard?"
He shrugged. "Vampires overhear top secret information all the time. We can glamour it from whomever we want. Top secret doesn't really apply to vampires. And the humans wouldn't have been able to overhear. You usually aren't a screamer, lover. At least not when we fight. Usually, the angrier you are, the quieter you get."
I didn't like it that the top secret information they all knew about was me, but since I was one of the two talking about it, I guessed that was my own fault. I sighed and looked up at him. He put his forehead against mine, and we stayed like that for a minute or two.
I said, "I hate feeling so alone. Please make me feel not so alone."
And he kissed me, and he pushed love through the bond. I closed my eyes and pulled him onto me. He was sweet, and made love like he was trying to prove himself to me. And I guess he did. By the time we were through, I felt whole again, although maybe still a bit cracked.
When I opened my eyes, I saw Eric through a pink haze.
"I'm sorry lover. I'm afraid I… wept a little, and it ran into your eyes." He licked my face clean of tears for the second time that night. Being around vampires is kind of weird sometimes. He sounded surprised, though. And I was, too.
"Pretty sneaky, Eric. What was that, the vampire version of rose-tinted lenses? Getting on my good side by any means necessary, eh?"
He laughed and kissed me. "Sookie, I am just grateful to see your smile again."
We laid there together for a long while, just talking and trying to heal what had been bruised and almost broken. I still felt raw, but I was feeling like I could probably face people soon. Plus, I was starving. I hadn't eaten since we were on the plane the night before.
We got a quickish shower with minimal hanky panky, and walked through the main part of the house and into a huge kitchen.
Stan and Pam were sitting there talking with a couple of other vampires. They both looked well-fucked, pink, and awfully friendly, and I wondered what kind of shenanigans they were up to last night. And then I decided I didn't really want to know.
"Oh, hey Pam. Hi everybody."
Eric said, "Sookie, this is Bill and Farrell."
Bill looked like an extra from Gone With The Wind (I saw that with Gran), and Farrell looked like an extra from Urban Cowboy (I saw that one with my Mama). "Nice to meet you."
"Sookie, I understand that you are from Bon Temps, Louisiana originally. As am I. A little before your time, of course. The name is Bill Compton, and I lived all my life in a home by the Sweet Home Cemetery. Before I went off to war, at least."
"No shit! my grandparents Mitchell and Adele Stackhouse - she was a Hale before she married - lived on just the other side. Old Jessie Compton lived in your old place when I still lived at home." Home. I hadn't thought of Bon Temps as home for a long while. I'd made myself stop when I realized I was never going to be allowed to go back.
"Yes, Jonas Stackhouse lived in that home last I remember."
I sat down next to Bill, but sort of turned facing him. Eric sat across the table from me.
I'd met another… whatever… from Northern Louisiana, and not just Shreveport this time. That was one human, one Were, and three vampires so far. It was like the universe was trying to tell me something. Next I'd probably run into my father's dentist. Or my third cousin, twice removed. "Well, Bill, it surely is a small world. Have you been back?"
He was a handsome man, and his accent made me a little homesick, although it was quite antiquated. I was smiling at him, really enjoying the conversation. At least until Bill started trying to glamour me. I punched that cocksucker in the nose as hard as I could. Stan and Farrell gasped. Pam snickered. Eric dropped fang. And Bill gushed blood out of his nose like a faucet. He stood quickly, bending at the waist a hair, and I was coated in his blood from my eyes to my lap. Eric was over the table with his hand around Bill's neck and Bill flattened against the fridge in a second.
"So, I guess the cat's out of the bag. I can't fucking be glamoured, so don't even fucking try me." I did, in fact, have stakes in my garter holster as well. I wasn't an idiot. "Eric, I guess I'm going to get another shower while you're dealing with this. Pam? Will you come with me, please?
"Wouldn't miss it for the world."
She linked arms with me, despite the blood (or because of it?), and off we went. We met a couple of other vampires on the way, and my candy-scented Carrie impersonation was a real hit with the fanged set. Unfortunately, I hadn't become telekinetic yet, though. I was happy to have my bodyguard, even if she had a lady boner in her mouth, too. But that was just Pam. She stayed in the bathroom with me and I good-naturedly slapped away her grabs and laughed off her leers. I just wanted someone to talk to while I was cleaning myself off. Look at me being all open and girl talky.
While I was in the shower, I said, "I'm sure I swallowed some of this. And got it in my eyes and nose, too, for that matter. I'm sure it's all the same."
"Well, no, actually. Not the same. There is no influence with a transfer through a wound or mucous membrane. No blood tie. It will heal, and that's about it. Although if it went up your nose and down your throat, maybe. The real magic is in the consumption."
"You licked your lips after you said that, didn't you?"
"Guilty."
Of that, and so much more, I was sure. "Thought so. What will change with the amount that I did consume?" I didn't know if things were different now that I was bonded to another.
"He will be able to feel your emotions."
"Oh, I can shield my emotions."
"From Eric?" She sounded genuinely shocked. I was shocked that he hadn't told Pam in all of this time.
"Yes. Even with the bond. I almost always do. They're shielded by default. I can push emotions at him now that we're bonded, though, even when I'm shielding."
"Jesus fucking Christ, Sookie. It took me years to learn how to do that. Decades. And I'm a goddamn vampire. Can Eric find you through the bond? Bill might be able to locate you through a blood tie, even with such a small amount. At least over short distances."
"To be honest, I have no idea. We're almost never apart. I think when I went out for coffee yesterday was the first time we were more than 50 yards away from each other in weeks, and he was dead for the day."
I climbed out of the tub, got dried off, and wrapped the towel around me. "God, Pam, you're impossible."
"No, Sookie. You're impossible. Eric would stake me twice. But at least I get to enjoy the view, and the rest of the... Sookiesperience."
"That was really terrible, Pam."
I got ready quickly for the second time that night. I was still starving to death. We went back out to the kitchen. It was just Eric and Stan at the table, now. There was no ash on the floor, so I didn't think Bill was finally dead yet. I sat down on Eric's lap and leaned against him. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my head. I was still feeling needy. Sue me.
"You must eat, lover."
Stan barked an order in a Slavic language that wasn't Russian, and a human came bustling into the kitchen. She fixed me a plate of food from a couple of chafing dishes and bustled out, only nodding when I said thank you. I tried to get up to move to another seat while I ate to be polite, but Eric held me in place, so I happily stayed put. It was sausages and scrambled eggs and potatoes with onions and peppers. Not terrible. I would have nearly cried in delight a few months ago. I guessed the humans who lived here must stay on vampire hours. Or maybe it was just breakfast for dinner night.
I was starting to feel almost human again, or whatever the hell I was, and I felt Eric relax right after I did. He squeezed me a little tighter in acknowledgement. I thought maybe we were going to be OK. I really was exhausted, though, and didn't complain at all when Eric used me as an excuse to go back to our room this time, even though I'd barely been out an hour, all together. And I really needed to start eating better. This was ridiculous.
We got undressed and climbed into bed as soon as we got back into our room. I snuggled up against him and sighed in absolute contentment.
"What happened with Bill?"
"We came to an agreement. He wouldn't look at you ever again, and I wouldn't make him eat his own penis."
"Hey. I've done that one. Copycat."
"Believe me, lover, I had you beat by hundreds of years."
"Ok, but were you twelve? And did you use your teeth?"
"No. But to be fair, I wasn't going to this time, either."
"Touché."
He rumbled amusement and I felt it in the bond, too. I was happy and content again, and I let my shields down. I wasn't ready to do it full time yet or anything, but I really wanted him to feel that I was ok. Good, even. At least right this minute. He smiled and kissed me. I very quickly deepened it. I wanted him badly. I wanted to try to push all of the bad feelings from the past two nights away.
"I love you."
"And even saying it first! You're going to spoil me at this rate, lover."
"God, you're a smart ass."
He laughed out loud. "That is most definitely the pot calling the kettle black."
"Eric? Shut up and fuck me."
"Aah, Sookie Stackhouse - the consummate romantic."
I raised one eyebrow at him, daring him to keep going. I would turn over and go to sleep. At the very least.
He grinned and then leaned over and kissed the daylights (nightlights? nightdarks?) out of me. Thank goodness. It was going to significantly ruin the mood if I had to silver him or something.
We kissed for a long time, and when I pushed love and lust through the bond, he moaned into my mouth. He kissed down my neck, across both of my breasts, and down to between my legs. He pleasured me with his hands and mouth and when I was teetering on the edge of cumming, he bit my thigh while curling two fingers against my g spot. I screamed his name.
He licked the wound and then was kissing me again, his hard cock rubbing between my legs. I wrapped my legs around him, grinding myself against him. He pushed himself into me and then bit his tongue, filling our mouths with his blood. I sucked on his tongue and swallowed.
I wanted more. I rolled him onto his back and climbed aboard. I sank down on his cock and started riding him hard. When I was getting close again, I grabbed his hand and bit his wrist. He yelled out and was thrusting hard up into me, and I fell over the edge with him.
I fell down beside him, snuggling in fast and close. "I love you, Eric." I kissed his chest. I realized my shields had been down for a while now. I decided to leave them be til dawn.
