trigger warning
Chapter Thirty-Two: That's Really Not Necessary, Professor
The door swung open.
Remus looked directly at Sirius, a mixture of angry, hate, bitterness, and defeat all evident in his eyes. "I hate you," he whispered.
Sirius let go of Remus's arm. Hearing him say those words hurt more than anything Sirius had ever experienced before. It legitimately felt as if Remus had stabbed him in the gut, and honestly, he would rather that have been the case.
"What on earth is going on out here?" exclaimed Professor McGonagall. She looked around at the three of them. "Well, this is an interesting selection of students," she said thoughtfully. "Why don't the three of you come into my office and explain what exactly it is you needed."
Remus ran his sleeve over his face, quickly trying to wipe the tears away. "That's- that's really not necessary, Professor," he said.
"Yes, I think it is," Sirius cut in quickly.
She looked at the boys, one eyebrow raised. "I'll be the judge of that, Mr. Lupin," she said, motioning them all inside.
They followed her into the office, Remus trailing reluctantly behind Sirius and Lily. He knew he wouldn't be able to run, though, now that McGonagall had seen him. She motioned them to sit in the chairs on one side of her desk. She sat down, facing them.
"So, what can I do for you today?"
Sirius and Lily looked at each other, unsure of what to do or say. Remus looked down, picking at the skin around his nails. Sirius reaches over to gently stop him, but Remus slapped his hand away, hard.
Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat and bit his lip. He looked sadly at Remus, who was looking stubbornly at his hands. He turned helplessly to Lily, the words catching in his throat.
Lily turned to Professor McGonagall and took a deep breath. "Remus, he, um-" She broke off, looking at Sirius.
Professor McGonagall looked back and forth between the three of them, evidently very confused.
"Remus is suicidal," Sirius blurted out, his voice ringing unnaturally loud in the quiet office.
Professor McGonagall froze. Remus was sure that this was the end. He couldn't do this. He silently begged someone, anyone, to just let him die.
"And he cuts," Sirius added, much quieter and almost as an afterthought.
"I- I see," said Professor McGonagall. Her face was very pale.
Sirius knew why. Self-harm was extremely uncommon in the Wizarding World. Not unheard of, but just extremely rare. Add in the fact that it was one of her precious Gryffindors, and you get a shell-shocked McGonagall.
Finally, she shook herself and jumped into action. "Ms. Evans," she said, turning to Lily, "could you please get Madam Pomfrey? And Mr. Black, please get Professor Dumbledore."
Both nodded and hurried out of the office. Remus watched them go, trying to think if he could manage to get away. Preferably, get away to some locked room or tower. But anywhere away from here, from this whole situation, would be fine.
Professor McGonagall shut the office door with a wave of her wand. The finality of the click registered with Remus, and he looked away. He sank down in his chair, curling in on himself and appearing even smaller and more vulnerable.
The professor looked at him sadly. She didn't know how they all could have missed the signs. She had no idea that Remus was struggling, and she felt so guilty. She was responsible for the Gryffindors, and she valued that responsibility. And she had failed. She had failed her job, she had failed Dumbledore, who had appointed her, she had failed Remus, she had failed herself.
"Remus," she said softly.
Remus gave no sign that he had heard. He didn't move, didn't say anything. He just sat there, thinking. Or, rather, trying not to think. Because the thoughts were too overwhelming. It was better to just shut everything off.
"Remus," she said again. "you need to talk to us."
Remus still ignored her, and the two sat in silence for several minutes. Remus was trapped. If there was any way out, he would run. He would run and run and then end it all. And then it wouldn't matter that they had told McGonagall. Because he would be dead, and there would be nothing they could do about it.
The only thing he regretted was what he said to Sirius. It wasn't true. Fuck, he loved Sirius so much. He was so angry, but that didn't mean he didn't still love him. He loved him, and he would never, ever be able to hate him.
That would be the one thing stopping him, if he had the option to end it right now. He wouldn't be able to bear it if his last words to Sirius were "I hate you." Soon, though, and then it would all be over. And he would make sure Sirius knew that he loved him first.
The door opened. Remus didn't look up. He didn't need to. He knew that it was Lily, Sirius, Madam Pomfrey, and Professor Dumbledore. And he knew that he was fucked.
Professor McGonagall weakly gestured to them to sit. "Mr. Black, Ms. Evans, could you give us a few moments?"
Sirius shook his head firmly. "With all due respect, Professor," he said, "we're staying."
She sighed. "Well, I suppose that's up to Mr. Lupin."
They all looked at Remus. He didn't want to say it, didn't want to talk to or even acknowledge Sirius. But he did want them there. He desperately didn't want to be trapped in a room with three adults, all of whom would know his secret in a moment.
He bit his lip. Sirius looked pleadingly at him. "Please?" he mouthed.
Remus sighed. He nodded. "They can stay," he said quietly.
Sirius sighed in relief. He and Lily sat down in the chairs on either side of Remus. Lily grabbed his hand, giving him an encouraging little squeeze. He flashed her a brief smile, glad to have a little bit of support.
Sirius wanted to do the same, but knew that Remus didn't want him to. The sting of Remus's words was still sharp, the hateful and defeated tone still echoing in his ears. He knew he would never be able to forget it.
Professor Dumbledore turned to Professor McGonagall. "So, what is it?" he asked. "Mr. Black said it was extremely important."
A/N:
another chapter :)
i went to costco today for an eye appointment. i got my prescription updated (which i really needed) and ordered new frames. they're round and silver and very gender-neutral and i am very excited for them. my current ones are like rounded rectangles and burgundy and more feminine
also happy march 22 if ur an mcr stan 3
thank you so much for all the kind and supportive comments on my last author's note. if u read that rambling shit ilysm
take care, you're all amazing, drink some water. i love you all so much 3
ktf xolyn