Chapter 32.

There was something soothing about Dean's steady breathing and the sight of him sleeping peacefully, as safe and relaxed as Dean could ever be. Cas had always enjoyed watching humans sleep. After all, his purpose was to protect them and when their turbulent souls were at peace, even just for a few hours, he felt he was doing well.

He was missing Jules more than he had thought possible. It wasn't only the pleasant things, like the exchange of kisses, the whispers of endearments, the warm, floral fragrance of her hair. It was the sudden accidental jab from her elbow, her nocturnal meanderings across the bed as her unconscious mind acted out dreams, good and bad, the constant undercurrent of guilt and uncertainty as he wondered what Heaven knew and how much it would allow. All those things had been precious to him and he had not known it until they were gone, until he had thrown them away.

And Dean was right that he should never have done it, but he was right that he had had no choice and Dean Winchester would have understood what he had done and why better than anyone else on Earth or in Heaven, but could never be told until the whole horrible thing had played out to the terrible end. Jules knew everything, but didn't understand and Dean said she would hate him forever. That thought was worse than missing her. She would never forgive him. She must regret every moment she had ever given him, robbing him even of the chance to find happiness in the memories.

There was no angel left to wipe his memories. Naomi could do it and would, but might also kill Jules on principle. There would be no peace for him, no end to the gnawing pain in his chest. He had believed the Empty would one day claim him and now he knew it already had him and would keep him all the days of his life.

He had never wanted more to tell Dean everything and listen to his wisdom. He needed guidance and Dean had never guided him badly. Well, leave out the house of iniquity and he never had. Dean would stop being angry if he knew the whole truth. He would stop being afraid that Cas didn't care about humans, when he knew that it was for Jack that he had done everything ... for Jack and for the humans that also loved him. He had kept their family together by the sacrifice of the one part that didn't matter.

But if Dean knew, he would move Heaven and Earth, in a worryingly literal way, to break him free of the deal. If he succeeded, which he might, they could still lose Jack and that thought was unbearable. If he failed; so much more likely, it would become another thing for which he blamed himself, a terrible loss and burden, made worse by the sharp edges of guilt.

That he had even considered telling Dean the truth showed the selfishness and wickedness at his heart. How could he add yet more pain when Dean had been overwhelmed by his sorrows and shame for years? It was wrong. The thought should not have entered his head.

But Dean loved him, even now, when he thought him an idiot. Dean was lying there, in a bed less comfortable than that in his room, with the bedframe shoved against the door because he could not bear to sleep unless he knew that Cas was safe. Because Cas had begged him not to ask, he had stifled his own questions and controlled his irritation and he had offered to listen, without judgement to whatever Cas could or would say.

If there were a silver lining here, there could hardly have been a better time for proof of unconditional friendship and Dean had not let him down. Same with Sam, gentle, persistent Sam who had gone on speaking love to him whatever he said or did to push it away. The universe was cruel, the Empty worse and every choice he had made had been a mistake, but the Winchesters were still beside him and they still cared.

He looked at Dean's face. It was not as pretty to him as Jules's face, but it was noble and strong and full of character and it was a face that would smile at him as if greeting a brother and he knew that they were brothers and always would be and that thought would be with him even in the Empty, as it was in this Empty of the heart.

He went over to Dean's bed and touched his shoulder. "Dean." he said.

Dean opened his eyes. "Is it morning?" he said.

"Technically yes, but a long way from dawn." he said, "I'm sorry to disturb you, but you said ... "

"Hey, if you need anything, that's why I'm here." said Dean, sitting up and turning on the light. "What is it?"

"Do you really think Jules will never forgive me?" he said. Dean knew more about women and about resentment than he ever would.

"Oh, Cas, I should never have said that. I didn't mean it. I wanted you to think about what you were doing."

"You think I did it without thought?" said Cas.

"Maybe it's fairer to say your head was full of the wrong thoughts. You're not great at making good decisions under pressure."

For a moment, that was wounding criticism, but then he had to admit to himself that it was, if anything, an understatement.

"I wanted you to reconsider." said Dean, "I exaggerated."

"So you don't think she'll hate me forever?"

"I don't even think she hates you now. I think she's hurt and freaked out and doesn't think you love her, but she's not out there hating you. I'm sorry. Never believe a word I say when I'm scared, because I will say anything. I didn't want to make this worse for you. Have you been lying here, thinking about how she'll never forgive you?"

"Some of the time." Cas said.

"I'm so sorry. I wanna help and all I do is make it worse."

"No," said Cas, "Hugging the pillow has been helping a lot."

"It's not what I'd call a long term solution."

"Since when do we ever look for those?" said Cas.

Dean grinned. "We do kinda lurch from one messy, short term gamble to the next. But I have to say, we're pretty damn good at it."

"We are." said Cas, starting to smile himself. Telling Dean the truth was impossible and should be unthinkable, but even with the gulf of the secret between them, their bond was unbreakable and Dean, not knowing what the darkness was, still stood there, shining a light into it, trying to save him.

"She'll forgive you, Cas. People do. Hell, even I do and when did you ever know me to forgive anything?"

"Without your friendship ... " Cas began.

"We'll never know." said Dean, "It doesn't end."