Remus didn't know how long it had been since he'd gotten a full night's sleep, but this night was the worst he'd had in a while. His stomach churned as he processed what he was about to do. Some small part of him was still desperately searching for a way out, an excuse to be selfish, but he knew any reasons for staying paled in comparison to his reasons for leaving. He watched Dora's hair shift through various shades of blue, focussing intently on each shade and the way it morphed so seamlessly, desperately trying to commit every detail to memory.

When the first signs of daylight started to peep through the curtains, he suddenly felt that the night he'd been waiting for an eternity to end, had ended far too quickly. Without letting himself think on it too long for fear he would change his mind, he shifted and rose from the bed as quietly as he could so as not to disturb her. He wished he could be there when she woke, to hold her as she stirred and make her coffee. But he wasn't the one who was meant to be there. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever again. He didn't get that privilege, that was for some faceless man of the future who was young and healthy and employed. It made him sick, but such was life. His friends were all gone, but he was here. He didn't get to feel sorry for himself about his lot, he just had to get on with it and make himself useful in what little way he could.

He dressed in the dark and made his way to the hall where he donned his threadbare overcoat. The letter he'd written whilst Dora was in St Mungo's still sat in the pocket, charmed for the recipient's eyes only.

Remus apparated to The Leaky Cauldron, over the years Remus had had done odd jobs for Tom here and there and Tom had always insisted that there would be always be a free room waiting for Remus if he ever had need of it. But whilst Tom was one of the few who was unphased by Remus's condition, The Leaky Cauldron was far too popular a spot for Remus to ever feel comfortable spending too much time there. So instead, Tom repaid Remus for his work by loaning him the inn's owl on the rare occasion that Remus had someone to write to. It was early enough that Remus only encountered one of the boys from the kitchen as he made his way up to where the owls stayed. He hastily tied his letter to the least noteworthy looking owl of the five, not pausing once, as though stopping for a second would lead him to rethink his actions.

It was with an incredibly heavy heart that he watched the owl fly away. It was done now, there was no turning back. He was about to face one of the most difficult conversation of his life, but then he would be able to hold his head up knowing he'd done the right thing, even if that right thing would leave a gaping a wound that he knew would never heal.

Tonks woke and turned over out of habit but once more was met by a big empty space on the other side of the bed. She combatted the disappointment by cuddling up to the pillow instead and breathing in his scent. She wondered if he'd slept at all.

She could sense she was losing him, ever since she'd gotten back from St Mungo's. He still held her but with an intensity that hadn't been there before. He held her as if she would disappear at any moment. He no longer looked at her with that soft smile, instead his eyes were constantly hardened, like a man fighting a raging inner battle. They didn't make love, he said she still needed to recover, and truth be told she didn't have the fight in her to argue. He would lie with her as she drifted off, but she'd wake in the night to find his side of the bed empty.

She was trying to be patient, though patience wasn't a virtue she'd ever been known to possess. She knew there was no putting a timeframe on grief but just hoped beyond hope that Remus would eventually heal enough to let her back in again. He'd been so attentive to her needs whilst she was recovering, it was her turn to be strong for him now.

She dragged herself out of bed and into the kitchen but was surprised to see that he wasn't there, as he had been most mornings either staring into space or diligently cleaning something that he'd already cleaned the night before.

Remus took a deep shaky breath trying to quell the queasiness in his stomach as he opened the front door to Dora's flat.

"Hey" she beamed up at him from where she sat on the sofa playing with her kneazle, Moody. "Where did you go?"

"Walk..." he mumbled only half truthfully, "I couldn't sleep" he added.

She nodded, her concern apparent in her warm dark eyes but she knew better than to fuss over him. "Coffee?" she asked.

"No thank you" he shifted uncomfortably, "I... need to talk to you... about something"

"Hmm?" she looked up at him and his breath caught, and his heart rate picked up as he met her eyes.

"I… we…" he sighed. Why did she make him so tongue tied? He was normally good with words. "Look. You know, what I was saying before… about…"

"Spit it out Remus" she instructed a little impatiently.

He took a deep breath and decided it would probably be easier if he didn't look at her so averted his gaze. "We can't be together anymore" the words came out hurried and slurred together as though saying them slowly would have given him time to go back on himself. He knew it was too late for that now though, Dumbledore was likely reading his letter as they spoke.

"What?" she asked in disbelief.

He looked at the floor somewhat pathetically. "I think we both knew that it would have to end at some point..."

"That's news to me" she commented, as Moody tried to headbutt her hand to regain her attention but she didn't seem to notice.

Remus frowned at the floor, wishing he'd given more thought to what he would say. "Is it?" he asked her, "it can't be lost on you that dating a werewolf isn't the most sensible lifestyle choice"

"Oh Merlin Remus, not that again! I've told you, I don't care" she exclaimed irritably, and Moody jumped off the sofa and padded out of the living room, brushing against Remus's leg as he went.

"I know, but, you should. And I thought you'd have realised that by now but if you haven't then, well I guess it's for me to walk away and give you the chance to…" he trailed off, unsure where to go with this next, how honest was he meant to be? How much information was too much?

"To what..?" she prompted, and he could feel the heat of her gaze and realised that he actually was getting rather warm.

He bravely looked up to meet her eyes once more and tried to ignore the pang of desperation he felt. The living room was small, he only need take a couple of steps forward and then he'd be close enough to reach out and touch her. He pursed his lips as he considered her solemnly, "to be happy, to find someone who can give you a good life"

"I have found that. With you" her eyes widened as she implored him to listen to her, but he wouldn't give in, not this time.

"No" he insisted, "you thought you had. But what we had, that was all it could ever be. No dates or going out in public, no presents, no gatherings with family and friends, no home, no future" speaking the words helped, they reminded him why this was so important.

"Remus" she sighed exasperated. "We've been through a lot, we're both grieving"

"This has nothing to do with that" he willed himself to keep looking into her eyes as though through eye contact he could make her see reason, "I should have done this ages ago" he admitted.

"Ages ago!?" she shrieked, clearly she hadn't liked that.

He nodded.

"But-" she began.

He held his hands up to stop her "no, there's nothing you can say. You'll thank me for this in time when you're happy with someone who can give you the amazing life you deserve"

"Remus! You can't just... can't we... talk about this?" she sputtered.

"There's nothing to talk about Dora" he continued in an even tone, "I'm a werewolf. I absolutely refuse to let you carry on down this reckless path that will only bring you misery."

"Oh you absolutely refuse do you?!" her hair flared a deep angry red as she spat the words at him, "do you hear what you sound like? You arrogant bloody imbecile! Who the hell are you to decide what path I go down, reckless or otherwise?!"

He had to admit, she had a point, and it stung, he hated to have her think of him in that way. And he should have known that his words would get her riled up, if there was one sure fire way to piss her off it was telling her what to do. But he knew she'd be far better off hating him than loving him so he fought the urge to explain himself. He could feel the panic rising now as the reality of what he'd just done sank in. He'd severed the last tie that was holding him to happiness, to sanity. He didn't trust whatever would come out of his mouth next.

"I'm sorry" he practically whispered, hazarding a glance towards her beautiful stunned face, before he turned and apparated away from the best thing that had ever happened to him.

For some reason he appeared on the beach where he'd taken her on their first date. He didn't remember deciding to apparate there. The moment his feet hit hard ground his legs collapsed underneath him and he fell to the ground, throwing his hands out in front of him feeling as though he were about to be sick. He stayed there for a moment, staring at his hands in the sand, waiting for the nausea to settle but it didn't. As he stared at his hands, he realised they were tingling, bordering on numb, his feet too. So he stayed where he was, trying to focus on the increasingly shallow and shaky breaths he was drawing in. The scent of the sea air only added to the sick feeling in his stomach, and he realised now that his whole body was trembling, his heart was racing, his vision going blurry.

He squeezed his hands into fists, trying to focus on the sensation of the grains of sand underneath him but the sensation felt far off, like he wasn't really in his body at all. He felt like he was somehow floating and sinking all at the time, and the numbness of his extremities wasn't helping with that.

He squeezed his eyes shut, not realising that tears were starting to fall. And then, unable to hold it at bay any longer, the panic took over him completely and he was sobbing uncontrollably, gasping for air that didn't seem to be filling his lungs.

He sat cross legged on the sand, rocking back and forth, his hands clutching at his hair, his face, anything that might ground him and bring him back to his body. He had no idea how long he was there in that state before the tears ran dry and his breathing steadied a little at least to the point where he didn't feel he would hyperventilate. His heart was still racing but he no longer felt like he was dying.

He looked up and his eyes fell upon the waves lapping gently against the shore and he tried to time his breathing with the ebb and flow until he found himself crying again but less urgently this time, this time it was almost comforting.

Eventually he became aware enough of his body again to realise that he was no longer shaking from the panic attack but from the cold sea breeze. So he stood on weak legs, wrapping his arms around himself, feeling like the child he had been the last time he'd had a panic attack. He couldn't even really bring himself to feel ashamed. He was completely and entirely alone. He had always known deep down that he was alone and always would be. As much as he could go along with the charade of having loving parents, and loving friends, for as long as he could remember he'd always had that monthly reminder that it all really was just a charade. Because when those muscles started to rip and stretch and his body contorted in shock and all he knew was pain, there was nothing that anyone could do for him. Yet despite that, this last year he'd allowed himself to go along with the façade and Sirius and Dora truly had made him forget. But now it all came back to him with a vengeance. This was the life he was destined for. He nodded to himself as he reminded himself, he had done this before, he could do it again. Except maybe this time it wouldn't have to go on for years and years, maybe this time he'd meet his demise in that awful place, and maybe just maybe that would be easier for everyone.

A/N: sorry for the dark note at the end there, it was really hard to write a panic attack but I wanted to have a go...

This was a short chapter so will have the next one up soon!

As always, I really appreciate your feedback so please do let me know your thoughts!