Coco B: AAAAH COCO! Do not believe that, please you scare me just by saying that. There are always going to be things in our lives that will not be resolved, sometimes huge things. You do not need all of the answers in life in order to get on with your life. Gary John Bishop talks about it really well in one of his books. Scarlett is actually better than most at being able to do that because she is strong and determined, she is definitely able to compartmentalize and see things clearly in many areas. It's likely what Rhett expected when he gave her that dreamer talk, he expected she would be able to move on from Ashley because of who she is and once she saw how good their life was together (um and then he was often ass and failed to ever truly show her that).
Sarah S.: Lol. You just cursed out Rhett a lot. The complaints weren't really at me, they were at him and they were definitely well placed for the stage in which I pulled the characters out of the story at.
Everyone else: I'm glad we all made it here together. Thank you for sticking through with me even when I was down on my knees as distraught as Rhett. I'm glad we took this journey of them finding peace and acceptance with each other. I loved each and every one of your reviews. Thank you so very much for them.
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Chapter Thirty-Two
June 1875
Nice, France
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It was a late June day, the late June day. The anniversary of the day he often wished struck from his mind, only then he would lose his last two hours with Bonnie. His last precious hours with his darling girl.
Her last smiles, her last kisses, her last hugs. Her animated chatter over the breakfast table, the way her blue eyes sparkled and her milky white baby teeth flashed constantly at him. Her last moments of joy because she had been happy, she had been excited, she had been having a wonderful morning.
No, he would not want it stricken from his mind despite all the pain that accompanied it.
He was slower now, he took the time to take in his life, to savor the quiet beauty within it, often overlooked moments that one would normally rush by. They were precious in their own right, but they were far more precious when they ceased to occur.
Such as the sight before him now of his wife standing by a window overlooking their yard, a shawl covering the nursing babe.
Her dark hair was plaited, the shimmering burnt gold dressing gown, the fringed shawl was red with little flowers covering the bottom. It was her favorite shawl she had gotten it from a modiste in London even though it was Parisian, she had picked up several more their first few days in Paris, but the red one remained her favorite.
She was thirty now, no longer than untried youth full of dreams that were impossible to make reality, a belief in the world so far removed from what the world actually was.
She was thirty and they were in their eighth year of marriage. Their fourth child together.
Céleste for they were fairly certain she had been conceived on a late fall night out in Paris. A supper party with new friends, copious amounts of champagne, a balcony with a telescope that never ceased to delight Scarlett with the beauty found within the lens, he had swept Scarlett around their hotel suite in a dance when they had finally returned home. He had been entirely too caught up in the night to recall to remove himself from the moment at the critical time.
They had planned to return home for the holidays, but with the discovery of the baby, it suddenly made sense to stay. To finally heal, to grow. He could see it fully how they had been hiding and avoiding having to truly move on. They had toured the continent; they had seen so many wonders and experiences. But life wasn't about the grand moments, but the small ones. They had survived that first year and a half, but the discovery of the baby made them realize it was time to finally return to a regular life, life with them as a family, without distractions. They had left Paris, not for the coast and a steamer, but south to Nice and smaller town life with a home and school once more.
Beau stayed on with them. At first Rhett had been outraged at the irresponsibility of Ashley not wanting the task of caring for his son as Ashley continued to drift along the states, unable to find a path or purpose without Melanie. It was a kindness though, a selflessness to allow his son to be a child, to be happy, to be with a family that loved him and was loved by him. Wade and Beau were brothers and had been brothers since Beau's first moments of life. It would have been cruel to keep the boys apart.
Their new family was made up of bits and pieces of their old family. Shifted and glued together in new ways to adjust for the lost parts.
Scarlett turned away from the window greeting him with a smile. He knew what she had seen when she had first approached the window, their yard on Peachtree. It had taken several windows in different cities for him to realize shoving a wardrobe in front of their bedroom window would not have stopped the memory. It was the windowpane itself, a sunny day, green grass, a dirt trodden field. There were so many things that could sweep her back into that memory.
"Did the children have a good breakfast?"
He had gotten out of bed this morning rather than hide away with his wife for the sake of their children. Already caught up in the difficulty of days without their mother for the servants seemed to talk far more in France than they did in the States and Scarlett had actually been staying sequestered in their rooms despite feeling fine from the birth.
"It is now safe to say that Claire's favorite food is a strawberry. She was very displeased at having to eat the brioche."
"That child is not going to fare well when Mammy tries feeding her porridge for breakfast."
He laughed, "I imagine Mammy is not going to fare well when she tries."
She laughed as well as she walked away from the window, removing the shawl and pulling her dressing gown to cover her as the baby was done feeding. He grabbed a cloth before she could and draped it over his shoulder, holding out his hands for the baby.
He relished the weight of Letty, as she had already been given a basic American nickname by her siblings, the feel of her under his fingers, the smell of her. He treasured every moment he had with her. She was such a little thing and so unlike her siblings, he was fairly certain the whisps of brown hair on her head would never grow dark like Bonnie, Nicky and Claire and the same pale grayish blue eyes that Claire had been born with would certainly never go dark like Nicky's. They could go blue like Bonnie's or green like Claire's or they could be her own and go hazel, a mix of her parents' or perhaps some new shade entirely. She was a mystery. She was so new, everything about her still unknown. He looked forward to every new discovery with her and every moment of doing exactly this, of simply holding her, being with her. He smiled as she burped against his shoulder and wiped the milk from around her mouth. She was such a wonder.
"I can't wait for Mammy to meet Letty and see the children," Scarlett remarked as she watched her husband with their youngest child, as he was caught up in the perfection that was their little girl.
He thought of what awaited them in eight weeks when they set off towards home. He thought of seeing Bonnie's grave for the first time in a year and a half. Of returning to their house and seeing her down every hallway and around every corner. Knowing how the memories would fade from prominence as her three little siblings made it their own.
"I have no doubt she will be delighted with how well the children have grown," he answered truthfully without adding that Mammy would likely be more delighted to see Scarlett doing as well as her letters to Suellen had expressed.
The villa he had purchased for their family on the French Riviera was far smaller than their house on Peachtree. With only six bedrooms for what was now a family of 8, it was hard to find a room where someone else couldn't be heard. It was a lively and warm home. It forced them to interact with each other. Even when their interactions were sometimes hiding from their family, which he and Wade had done many a time in the study.
Scarlett walked back to the window, the view far different than the house on Peachtree, a breath-taking view of the seaside. Only he knew as she walked back that she wouldn't see the blue water, but exposed dirt and patches of grass. A set of jumps. A small pony. A little girl in a blue riding habit, dark hair, looking up with a smile and brilliant blue eyes. "I wish she were here."
"As do I," he said walking over towards her, wrapping his free arm around her, and pulling her in closer to him.
He had no idea where they would be now if Bonnie had lived. Most likely still in Atlanta, certainly not in a villa in France. He had no idea who he and Scarlett would be to each other. He had no idea what they would be to the children or what the children would be to each other. He had no idea if the little girl in his arm would be there.
It was an exercise in futility, one he did not often engage in. There was no knowing who they would have been, could have been. The reality was that they had lost Bonnie and that had been what had shaped their path.
They were in a good place but with a gaping hole that would never be filled.
"I am so grateful we had her," Scarlett shook her head, "I can't imagine there was a time I hadn't wanted her."
"I promise she never had a clue."
Scarlett looked over at the baby in her husband's arm, ran a finger along Letty's little arm, "I can't imagine I once thought they weren't worth what they did to my waist."
He laughed lightly, "My dear your waist has looked better with each child."
"You only say that so you'll keep getting to see it," her lips lifted up.
"Also so you overlook the fact that I accidentally got you with three children."
She laughed against his chest as she continued to look at Letty. "When you put it like that it sounds rather irresponsible."
"You knew you married a gambler."
She looked up, "Did this gamble pay off?" Scarlett questioned regarding herself.
"You were never a gamble. You were a sure thing. Life with you will always be better than life without you."
Thanks for reading!