"Okay Nikki," the physiotherapist said, "I want you to put your feet together and bend your knees."
Nikki put her feet in first position and holding on to the barre tried to bend her knees.
"I should have more movement then this," Nikki hissed.
"That looked good Nikki," the physiotherapist said, "try toes and heels together."
"I can't turn in," Nikki said.
"Just try," her physiotherapist urged.
Nikki put her toes and heels together and slowly bent her knees, "that feels wrong."
"What feels wrong," asked the physiotherapist.
"My hips turned out better," Nikki said.
"It was looking good," the physiotherapist agreed.
"My knee can move but my ankle feels stuck," Nikki whined.
"Where in the ankle," asked the physiotherapist.
"My achilles tendon," Nikki said, "and down the front is locking."
"I want you to do ten more knee bends and we'll see," the physiotherapist said, "it's the first time we've tried this."
"I've done plies since I was three. I know how to do them," Nikki grumbled.
"Slow and controlled," the physiotherapist said, "count to five going down and five coming up."
Nikki slowly did the plies as she did them tears built up in her eyes. She took a deep breath between each. This was her fight and she was going to win, no matter how hard she had to work she would win and she would dance. It had only been three weeks of physio she was just getting started.
"Nikki you can stop," the physiotherapist said.
"What's next," Nikki asked.
"We need to rebuild your core," the physiotherapist said, "so you can get in and out of bed and a chair with out help."
"Bring it on," Nikki said.
"I like this determination," the physiotherapist praised.
"Can I swim," Nikki asked.
"Soon," the physiotherapist said, "I'm waiting for Dr. Torres to sign off on your incisions."
"I got out of bed myself this morning," Nikki bragged.
"How many steps," the physiotherapist asked.
"Six to the chair," Nikki replied.
"We're going to move your chair further away," the physiotherapist said.
"I can do it," Nikki said.
"Yes you can," the physiotherapist agreed.
Nikki finished her physio session and returned to the wheelchair.
"I can do it myself," Nikki said.
"You look tired there squirt," Owen said, "good work out?"
"Plies and releves," Nikki said, "40 steps on my own!"
"Yes," Owen gave her a high five, "progress."
"Slow," Nikki complained.
"But its better than yesterday," Owen encouraged.
"I still have a hard time getting in and out of the chair. I need to get stronger," Nikki said.
"You will," Owen said, "do you want me to take you to your room?"
"I want to work on my math class," Nikki said.
"Your text book and binder are on my desk," Owen said.
"Can I use your computer to watch the lecture," Nikki asked.
"You can," Owen replied, "what's wrong with your laptop?"
"Sydney was borrowing it to watch movies and it's dead," Nikki replied.
"Why don't we get it and your charger," Owen said, "I have some reports to type. So you can sit at my desk and watch your lecture."
"You want to listen to my calculus lecture," Nikki asked skeptically.
"You have headphones," Owen said, "i'm just offering office space and snacks."
"Snacks," Nikki asked.
"Teddy made cookies," Owen said, "she sent you your own container of them."
"Really," Nikki asked.
"Really," Owen said, "home work, coffee and cookies?"
"Yes please," Nikki agreed.
They got Nikki's computer and went to Owen's office.
Nikki got organized on one side of the desk and Owen sat at his computer typing a proposal for further trauma training for all residents.
"We've been paging you Hunt," Nathan yelled from the door.
"Sorry," Owen said standing up and running to the pit.
"What are you working on squirt," Nathan asked.
"My math class," Nikki replied.
"How's it going," Nathan asked.
"It's my second class," Nikki said, "so far so good."
"Do you like it," Nathan asked.
"It's interesting," Nikki said, "I really like math."
"If you had to pick a major what would you choose," Nathan asked.
"Math or physics," Nikki said, "no clue what I would do with them after college but this is only temporary I'll dance again."
"Back up plan," Nathan asked.
"I don't know," Nikki admitted, "I've only ever had plan A. I'm going to dance."
"Hypothetically," Nathan pressed.
"Maybe I could teach," Nikki wondered.
"My mom was a teacher," Nathan said, "you could be a good one."
"She would be disappointed in me," Nikki mumbelled.
"No," Nathan said leaning against Owen's desk, "none of us could have seen this coming. This is you being brave. Trying something out of your comfort zone like your courses and being in that physio room every day trying. This is you fighting your battle and being brave."
"I'm still the dumb sibling," Nikki complained.
"Only you think that," Nathan said, "she was proud of you. I used to read some of your emails. We were so proud of you. Seeing the Nutcracker, getting the videos of you dancing you're good dancer but there's more than that."
"It's all I know how to do," Nikki said.
'Then you learn something else," Nathan suggested, "you said you've liked your first couple math classes."
"Physics wasn't bad yesterday," Nikki agreed.
"So you like numbers," Nathan acknowledged.
"They just make sense," Nikki replied, "they do what I want them to do. It's almost like a game."
"Then keep studying math," Nathan said, "I'm going to grab a snack, want to come?"
"I should finish my homework," Nikki said, "Teddy sent me cookies and Owen has gummy worms in the drawer."
"When can you go home," Nathan asked.
"When I can do 50 steps and stairs," Nikki replied, "I did 40 today but they wont let me try stairs."
"40 is progress," Nathan cheered.
"Not enough," Nikki complained.
"Is it better than yesterday," Nathan asked.
"Yes," Nikki replied.
"Then progress," Nathan answered, "you finish your homework. You know how to page me, Owen or Teddy if you need us?"
"I do," Nikki replied.
A while later Teddy came to find Nikki.
"Ready to go back to your room," Teddy asked.
"Is Sydney still pouting," Nikki asked.
"She is," Teddy replied.
"I'm sick of Owen's office," Nikki complained, "but Sydney pouting just makes me feel worse."
"I'm doing research so you could sit in my lab," Teddy offered.
"Is there anything for me to do," Nikki asked, "I'm done with the ten problems my math prof assigned."
"I have some calculations you could look at," Teddy replied, "just some statistics."
"Like what," Nikki asked.
"Averages, some line graphs," Teddy replied, "nothing you cant do. Or you can sit and talk to me."
"I'm tired of sitting," Nikki complained, "and mom had to go back to work this week."
"Owen and I are here all the time," Teddy said, "Nathan is around."
"Are we talking to Nathan again," Nikki asked, "I thought we hated him but he's being really nice."
"Nathan and Owen had some stuff to work out," Teddy replied, "about that day. But we are talking to Nate again. He cares about our family."
"He came to talk to me," Nikki said.
"Does he come by a lot," Teddy asked.
"Every few days," Nikki replied, "not like you and Owen or mom."
"No he wouldn't," Teddy said, "it's nice that he comes by."
"I like when people visit," Nikki said, 'I get lonely."
"I know you do," Teddy said, "that's why I bring my lunch to eat with you."
"You don't have to baby me," Nikki said, "I'm not Allison."
"I know your not," Teddy replied, "but sometimes I get tired of the hospital gossip."
"Is there a way to get a new roommate," Nikki asked.
"I thought you liked Sydney," Teddy said.
"I did,' Nikki replied, "but she's on my nerves with her pouting and tantrums. She refused to go to physio today."
"Did you go," Teddy asked.
"40 steps and 10 plies," Nikki smiled.
"Good," Teddy beamed, "what's next?"
"Down the hall on my own and stairs," Nikki said, "I can go home when I can do stairs with out help."
"How much energy do you have," Teddy asked.
"Lots," Nikki replied, "I'm really bored."
"Roll to the lab then you can walk there," Teddy replied.
"Really," Nikki asked.
"Why not," Teddy replied, "the more you do the better you'll get."
"Is it okay," Nikki asked.
"It is," Teddy replied, "you can move outside of physio your time is just scheduled for the therapist. You have doctor supervision."
"How do I get Syd to stop pouting," Nikki asked.
"I don't know," Teddy replied.
"Does Dr. Webber know," Nikki asked.
"The teams meet about you this afternoon and Sydney after," Teddy replied, "I'll mention what your saying."
"I don't want to get her in trouble," Nikki said, "but she's making me sad."
"Then spend time out of your room," Teddy replied, "that's what we can control. Owen's office, my lab."
"Tomorrow can we have a picnic if it's nice," Nikki asked.
"It's saturday I'm off so we can have one with Allison," Teddy agreed.
"Sydney likes when you bring Allison," Nikki said.
"Should we invite her for our picnic," Teddy asked, "give her something to look forward to?"
"Maybe" Nikki agreed, "can I give Allison her baby food?"
"Let's see what mood she's in," Teddy replied, "she's really clingy with me right now."
"I want to play with her," Nikki argued, "she's cute. When I go home can I baby sit again?"
"Do you want to," Teddy questioned, "sometimes we feel bad asking."
"I like to," Nikki said, "I spent so long as THE BABY and everyone doing things for me it's nice to do it for Allison."
"Do you like being an auntie," Teddy asked.
"I do," Nikki smiled, "once she's bigger I'll do all the fun things with her Meg did with me that mom didn't let me do."
"Like what," Teddy asked.
"Climb trees, stay up late, eat popcorn and ice cream for dinner," Nikki smiled at the memory.
"Yes you can do those things with Allison," Teddy agreed, "your siblings were half sibling half cool aunt and uncle."
"Aunt," Nikki said, "Owen only started to like me when he came home."
"He always liked you," Teddy said.
"It's easier to talk to you when your not pushing me around," Nikki complained.
"Attendings lounge is right here we can sit there," Teddy replied, "my lab or your room."
"Not my room," Nikki said, "I'll yell at Sydney again."
Teddy turned the wheel chair into the attendings lounge.
"I'm moving to the couch," Nikki said.
"Do you need a spotter," Teddy asked.
"I'm not a baby," Nikki retorted.
"You're not," Teddy replied, "tea, coffee, cocoa?"
"Cocoa," Nikki replied.
Teddy made two cups of cocoa and joined Nikki on the couch.
"Teddy what happens if I can't dance," Nikki asked, staring into her cup.
"Then you keep taking your classes," Teddy replied, "you have two, if your not dancing next semester try three. Maybe take one on campus."
"I miss my friends," Nikki admitted, "but they've scattered. It's only me and Sydney left and she's talking about wanting to die."
"What did Sydney say," Teddy asked, already planning to call for a psych consult.
"That she would rather die than be in a chair for the rest of her life that she has nothing to live for if she can't dance," Nikki said, "but I'm telling you as my big sister not her doctor."
"I know," Teddy said, "but I legally have to act because she could get really hurt. I'm going to ask psych to come talk to her. I'm just letting the experts know Sydney needs a hand. She will never know it came from me."
"I don't want to get her in trouble," Nikki said.
"No one is in trouble," Teddy said, "Sydney just needs an extra hand."
"Why," Nikki asked.
"Because she needs it," Teddy replied, "my worry in the moment is you. Nikki would you tell me or Owen or your mom if you were going to hurt yourself or thinking about dying?"
"I don't know what I'm going to do but I don't want to die," Nikki said, "there is no plan B Teddy. I'm nothing if I can't dance."
"We will figure it out," Teddy replied, "are you giving up?"
"I heard everyone when you thought I was sleeping," Nikki said, "I know my chances are less than 25%. I want to dance but today that was pathetic that I could only do 10 demi plies. Demis Teddy. They only let me do rises, they won't let me do anything. What's the point of a barre and if I can't use it."
"One day at a time," Teddy said, "I know it's slow and I hear that you're frustrated."
"I feel stuck in the hospital," Nikki cried.
"I hear you," Teddy said, "let me see what we can do. Maybe you need a field trip."
"Can I go home," Nikki asked.
"Too many stairs we couldn't lift you," Teddy said.
"Owen can," Nikki whined.
"Your mom and I can't," Teddy said, "what if you went to our place for a bit. Your mom could bring Abbie to our place."
"Can we," Nikki asked.
"Let me talk to your doctors but I can't see a reason to say no," Teddy replied.
"Will mom be okay with this," Nikki asked.
"Your mom will be okay with anything that makes you happy right now," Teddy assured.
"I'm just bored and getting sad," Nikki said.
"What's making you sad," Teddy asked.
"That I should be dancing Serenade," Nikki said, "it premieres tomorrow and I should be in the corps de ballet."
"It's okay to be disappointed," Teddy said, "you were looking forward to that, a Balanchine piece for your first professional show. That was big it was a huge step for you. You can be disappointed."
"I just want to yell and scream and throw things," Nikki admitted.
"Yell at me," Teddy said.
"That doesn't help I'm not mad at you," Nikki said.
"Who are you mad at," Teddy asked.
"That driver," Nikki screamed ," he killed my best friend, trapped me in here, made it so Syd likely won't walk again. I just want life to go back how it was. This feels like a nightmare I will never ever wake up from. I don't know if I'll ever dance again. The driver was drunk, he was breaking the law, it ended Corinna's life, ruined Syd's and probably changed mine. We've been in a living nightmare for months. I just want to be back in the studio in my leotard and tights. I finally earned a black leotard. But because one Ass Hole decded to drive drunk and high I don't get what I've worked for my entire life. It's not fair."
"Its not," Teddy agreed.
"I just want to dance and I cant," Nikki sobbed, "it hurts a plie hurts. A stupid plie that I do hundreds of times a day hurts."
Teddy put her mug on the table, "I know you want to dance and that it's not fair. The driver was wrong. He will be charged."
"That doesn't change anything," Nikki screamed.
"It doesn't," Teddy agreed.
Nikki broke down sobbing.
"Do you want a hug," Teddy asked.
"No," Nikki said.
"What do you need," Teddy asked.
"To dance," Nikki bawled.
"One day," Teddy said, "right now you need some time."
"I don't want time, I want to do it now," Nikki cried.
"I know you do," Teddy said.
"Hey squirt what's wrong," Owen asked as he came into the room.
"I want to dance," Nikki sobbed.
"I know you do," Owen said, "can I sit with you guys?"
"Sure," Nikki replied.
"What do you need," Owen aksed, "do you want to talk or a solution?"
"Talk," Nikki said.
"Rant away," Owen said.
Nikki sat on the couch and yelled and screamed about how unfair everything was. Teddy and Owen looked at each other no one realized how angry Nikki was.
"Why have you kidnapped my patient," Calle asked.
"She had physio then her math lecture and was hanging out with me," Teddy replied.
"Then I got mad that I can't dance," Nikki admitted looking embarrassed.
"It's okay to be mad," Callie said, "I need a few xrays and a Ct can you come do that now?"
"I guess," Nikki agreed.
"Back in the wheelchair," Callie directed.
"Fine," Nikki pouted, "I'll do it myself I can get up."
"Let see," Callie said.
Nikki managed to get herself into the wheelchair.
"You okay with Torres or do you want one of us," Teddy asked.
"I'm good," Nikki replied, "sorry I unloaded on you like that."
"Let me know when you're back in your room," Owen said, "I'll bring you more cookies."
"Okay," Nikki agreed.
"Tough day," Callie asked as she pushed Nikki down the hall.
"Just had enough of the hospital," Nikki replied.
"You've been here a while," Callie agreed.
"She's furious," Owen said when the door closed behind Nikki.
"Frustrated," Teddy agreed, "it should have been her professional debut tonight. She's disappointed and angry."
"Do we need to worry," Owen asked.
"She's angry, disappointed, frustrated and wants to go home," Teddy replied, "she needs out of the hospital and off hospital grounds. Sydney is bringing Nikki down and is really depressed."
"Psych," Owen asked.
"Maybe for both," Teddy agreed.
"Mom," Owen asked.
"Don't worry her yet," Teddy replied, "she's coming to us as her siblings. We have to be cool and not tell your mom. We tell she won't trust us."
"Is squirt okay," Nathan asked when he came in, "she seemed down."
"She's struggling," Teddy replied, "but she's talking to Owen and I."
"She thinks shes dumb but her homework thats not easy," Nathan said.
"She's amazing at math," Owen said, "just let her talk if she's talking. Thanks for checking on her."
"Do we need to worry," Nathan said.
"No," Teddy replied, " I don't think we do. I'm asking Torres to order a psych consult as a back up but I'm not worried about Nikki. She's talking to us."
"I'm going to go scrub," Nathan said.
The door closed behind Nathan.
Owen and Teddy sat on the couch and held each other. They just needed to be together.
"I can't see her like this," Owen said, "this is trauma."
"It is," Teddy agreed, "we both have our own. We need to help her."
"We can," Owen agreed, "when she asks."
"I think that was her asking," Teddy said.
"I'm on call tonight," Owen said, "I'll spend time with her when I can."
"Your mom is coming for dinner," Teddy replied.
"I'll see them," Owen replied, "are you okay home with Allison?"
"Me might come see daddy," Teddy replied.
"Bring her if you can," Owen smiled, "I miss her on the 36 hour shifts."
"I know you do," Teddy smiled, "that's why I bring her to visit."
"You miss me," Owen teased.
"Yes," Teddy acknowledged, "I don't sleep when you're not home."
Teddy snuggled into Owen on the couch and let her head rest on his shoulder.
"I love you," Owen whispered.
"I love you too," Teddy sighed. After an emotional morning she just needed to be held and let Owen hold her. For weeks she had been the one holding the family together, Owen, Nikki and Elevlyn all melted down to Teddy. Teddy needed to be held and cared for and loved.
"You've had enough," Owen mumbled.
"Yes," Teddy said, "I can't be strong for everyone right now. I'm ready to cry."
"Then cry," Owen said.
"Can we go somewhere else," Teddy whispered.
"Let's go," Owen said, taking her hand and leading her to an on call room. They sat and talked for a while with Owen holding her. He held her close until Teddy fell asleep in his arms.