Disclaimer: I do not own Miraculous Ladybug or Mash, or it's characters.
Note: This chapter is just Mash, and I know that several of you have never seen/heard of mash before. And I know this 'mash arc' is a little longer then you may have expected, but the show means a lot to me- especially with all of the personal stuff I've been dealing with lately. I hope some of you check out the show and see how funny/emotional it can be. But for now, I hope you just enjoy the way I wrote these characters within this story.
Chapter 33,
"Where the hell is Hawkeye!" Colonel Potter's voice echoed throughout the office, when he returned to it. He turned to the picture of his wife on the corner of the desk.
"Dear sweet Mildred, I know you've fallen in love with these children, but there is something you must remember about them. They are children." He spoke to the picture as he so often did.
"Radar!" He shouted at the innocent boy, who instantly entered the room with a clipboard.
"I found Hawkeye, he, Margaret and two patients checked out a Jeep." Radar said and Potter was clearly upset, but was resisting the urge to flip his lid.
"Radar, why did they check out one of our few jeeps?" Potter asked.
"What am I psychic?" Radar asked.
"You're as close as a person can get!" Potter said loudly.
"Boy, don't shoot the messager, sir. It says here that Klinger signed the Jeep for them." Radar said.
"Well, go alert Klinger that I want to see him right away."
"I already notified Klinger that you wanted to see him right away."
"Good!" Potter said, and in that moment the Lebanese man came strolling in wearing his military uniform and a pair of long dangling earrings.
"You wanted to see me, sir?" Klinger said calmly, then he took a step back when he noticed how upset Potter was.
"You!" Potter pointed at Klinger, using a knife-hand.
"What?" Klinger said and Potter took a breath.
"Do you have anything you want to tell me, Klinger?" Potter asked, trying to be calm again. Klinger hesitated.
"Um... the 8063rd needs some more surgical thread and gloves, and you need to sign off on the order of morphine and ether so I can send it off." Klinger said and Potter groaned.
"That's not what I'm talking about." Potter states and Klinger shrugged.
"I don't know, sir. Did you forget to ask me to do something?" Klinger asked and Radar blinked.
"Hey, don't talk to the sir as if he's senile. Sir's at the top of his game; aren't you, Colonel Potter?" Radar said and Klinger rolled his eyes.
"I'm not saying that the Colonel is mentally incompetent, Radar. It's completely human to forget things, especially when things have been loud and crazy like it's been all day." Klinger said and Radar crossed his arms over his chest.
"I don't care, you made it sound like the Colonel's goin' batty and he's not. The army would never promote someone who couldn't mentally handle the job." Radar said and in that moment Henry Blake entered the room, and he stared at the others.
"What is everyone doing in my office?" Henry asked and Radar sighed.
"I take back my statement." Radar whispered to Klinger.
"Henry, get this through your thick skull. I run this camp, not you." Potter said and Henry shrugged.
"Hey I didn't ask to be here, I was drafted like most of these people. But I was told that this was my office, and I don't think the army would appreciate you coming here and taking away the things they specifically gave to me." Henry said.
"What in Sam-Hill are you talking about?" Colonel Potter said and in that moment, Charles, Frank, and Father Mulcahy entered the office.
"Now what's the meaning of this?" Potter asked in his demanding way.
"Sir, this low level ingrate of subpar surgical abilities is attempting to accuse me, a Winchester, of thievery." Charles said and Frank glared at him.
"Oh, okay, wise guy. You won't feel so high and mighty when I tell the Colonel what you did. Sir, he stole my bunk." Frank whined and Father Mulcahy stood between them, like a barrier.
"Thank you, Frank, for proving that my words were, indeed, true." Charles said and Frank groaned.
"Colonel!" Frank complained.
"Frank, why would this man steal your cot when he doesn't even want to be in Korea at all?" Potter asked.
"How should I know; I just saw his things all over my area. I mean, come on. Smelly cheese and records; is this stuff really necessary?" Frank said and Charles' eyes widened.
"Those happen to be creature comforts to keep myself sane during these trivial months away from my beloved Tokyo." Charles said.
"I don't care where you come from, bud, as long as you get your junk out of my tent." Frank said.
"Fine. Send me back to Tokyo, but I can assure you that the items I will be taking are certainly not anywhere close to being defined as 'junk'." Charles said.
"Boy, people like you really drive me up the wall. Don't you care that you're ruining this war for all of us?" Frank said.
"My dear scholar, how eloquently put. You missed your calling to be a poet." Charles said sarcastically.
"Oh boy, you're lucky that fighting is against regulation or I would show you something; I really would." Frank said.
"Sir, if I wanted to see you on your back, in a state of unconsciousness, I would simply wait for you to be asleep. At which point, I believe, you should be properly assigned to a decrepit cot at least a thousand feet away from my own." Charles said.
"Boys, I'm sure that there is a very simple explanation for all of this." Father Mulcahy said.
"Apologies Father. I know it is in your nature to handle things peacefully. I'd be more than willing to comply if this arrogant buffoon would be willing to do so as well." Charles said.
"Peacefully-sheacefully, pal. Come on, Colonel, there's got to be a way I can challenge him to defend the scared name of the Army." Frank pleaded pathetically to Colonel Potter.
"That is the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard. What's your opinion Padre?" Potter asked Father Mulcahy.
"How do you know that he was talking to you instead of me?" Henry asked.
" 'Cause he was looking right at me!" Colonel Potter said boisterously.
"You think you're so smart, just because you're regular army. Well, I'm a Colonel too. I do my share of paperwork and I deal with these guys, and I can salute just as good as anyone else." Henry said defensively and he tried to salute Potter, but Henry's Hans got caught on one of the many fishing lures he had upon his hat.
"Besides, I was here first." Henry said and Potter scoffed.
"I've been at this MASH for years and I don't recall seeing you before today." Colonel Potter said.
"Exactly! I've never seen this bozo before and suddenly today all of his stuff is in my tent!" Frank said, pointing at Charles.
"Astonishing! I was just contemplating the fact that I have never met a man as ignorant and frustrating as you. I didn't think that was possible after having to live with Hawkeye and BJ, but you sir, take the cake." Charles said.
"As if you know what you're talking about. Trapper and Hawkeye are utterly impossible to deal with." Frank said and Potter sighed.
"I'm surprised those two aren't crowding up this office as well." Potter said and then Trapper entered the room.
"Perhaps I spoke too soon." He muttered.
"Henry, someone has messed up my bunk." Trapper said.
"What's wring with that; you boys always keep the swamp messy." Henry asked and Trapper shook his head.
"I meant 'messes' as a purely ironic state of being. I go into the swamp, and sure it's messy. But, you see, my area seems to be more messy-organized, then messy-messy." Trapper said and then BJ came into the room wearing his hospital gown and holding a clipboard.
"Aw, a party and I wasn't invited? I'm hurt." BJ said and Potter waved him over.
"You needed something BJ?" Potter asked and BJ handed him the clipboard.
"I just need your signature on a few things." He said and Trapper pointed at BJ.
"You know, I bet it was him." Trapper said and BJ looked at him.
"Pardon me?" BJ asked.
"Henry, I accuse this individual of committing a neatness." Trapper said and BJ couldn't help but smile.
"Ooo, scary. 'A neatness', you say? I don't know if I agree with that, but you make it sound as if I've committed an act of treason." BJ said and Trapper narrowed his eyes.
"At the swamp, a neatness is just as bad as treason." Trapper said and BJ laughed.
"That's ridiculous. I'm just as messy as Hawkeye and he doesn't care how neat or messy I can be sometimes." BJ said.
"No, that's ridiculous- no one is as messy as Hawkeye. He is a complete and utter slob, and that's one of the reasons why I love him." Trapper said. BJ seemed insulted by this, and he turned to face Trapper, with his hands on his hips.
"Oh? You love him." Back asked.
"Yeah, I love him. I love him a whole lot. In fact, the two of us are planning a weekend together out in Seoul, to celebrate our 5 year anniversary. Just don't tell my wife." Trapper said and BJ sucked his teeth.
"Well, that's not what I hear." BJ challenged, stepping towards him.
"Oh, yeah; and what is it you hear?" Trapper said and BJ crossed his arms over his chest.
"I heard that Hawkeye was on vacation and while he was away, you abandoned him without so much as a note to tell your best friend that you were leaving." BJ said.
"That's just stupid. If I left, then why am I here right now?" Trapper said. The second he said this, everyone in the room got the sense that things weren't right at the 4077th. Father Mulcahy looked at everyone and he was baffled at what he saw.
"Charles and Frank have the same bunk... BJ and Trapper are both Hawkeye's best friend... Potter and Henry are both in charge, and Klinger and Radar are both company clerk..." he said and all eyes were fixed on him.
"It's all double." He said, unsure how else to phrase himself correctly.
And when he said this, it seemed like a cool breeze glided through the room; for they all shivered. But in actuality, their minds have started to open up to the unusual situation that they were currently in.
"Klinger, where in the world is my chief surgeon and head nurse?" Potter said and Father Mulcahy blinked in confusion. Judging by his face, Potter was shouting, but his voice was almost... muffled.
"They... to fight... sir." Klinger said, or at least the parts Mulcahy heard. Colonel Potter pointed at Charles and Frank.
"You two, stay here. The rest of you on the bus; on the double!" Potter shouted and everyone filed out of the office. Father Mulcahy rubbed his ears, but he couldn't deny the fact that, for some reason, he was losing his hearing.