I woke up on a couch. Well, not any couch. The same couch I had spent so many nights on, it just had been a while. It had also been a while since I stayed at the boys' apartment all together because these days Namjoon preferred to sleep at his apartment. Wasn't like he left the place so why sleep anywhere else...

I checked my phone to see what time it was, sitting up pretty straight when I saw that it was after 11 AM already. Must have been a long night for everyone if they hadn't woken me up yet. On my way to the guest bathroom, I passed the kitchen and was surprised to see Jin already up, staring at the coffee machine that had been acting up for a while now. "Hey. Morning." I murmured and immediately realized that speaking wasn't a good idea because my head hurt. Man. I couldn't remember the last time I had that much to drink... I couldn't even really remember how I had ended up on the couch.

"Morning" he replied with a smile and then moved over to a drawer, handing me paracetamol without any further comment. I sighed, grabbed a glass to fill it with water. "So...you really were in the mood for a party, hm?" He asked after a while and I shrugged. For some reason, I was sure he knew why. Jin was usually the one who knew best what was going on in this place, even if he didn't always talk about it or made it his business. "I just needed a fun night, okay?" "He didn't want to come?" I shook my head. "How bad is it? I haven't seen him in about a week. We sometimes text but I can tell he is not in the best mood. It has only been three weeks..." I tried to drink the water slowly, but all of a sudden I realized how dry my throat was. Also, I didn't know how to answer. "It's pretty bad. Not sure how it happened, but he is acting as if he has not been able to move for months. He doesn't even want to leave his place anymore. Pretty sure the doctors didn't tell him to not move AT ALL anymore." Jin nodded, moved a coffee mug in my direction and then started making another one for himself. "Do you want me to talk to him?" I sighed again, then shook my head. "He will just snap and think I told you to. I will just head over there later and see how he is doing. He promised me we would take a walk today because the weather this weekend is supposed to be pretty nice finally." "Okay."

Jin smiled at me. And that felt good. I just wasn't sure if he smiled at me to encourage me or because he also knew that I wasn't totally honest. There was a certain fear in me that Jin could actually help. When I couldn't.

What if Jin could help. What if he wouldn't snap at Jin. They had been good friends for so long...I probably should have taken the help. But something in me was hurt even by the idea that he just didn't want to talk to ME about how he was feeling. The fact that he wouldn't come out at all spoke against it. And still...

I wasn't proud of myself... but I had been looking forward to this lazy Saturday all week. Maybe I could convince him to have lunch after the walk. Or dinner. Get a bit of fresh air but also see something else than his computer screen or all those books he'd been reading the last couple of weeks. Not that there was anything bad about reading or making music... I knew Namjoon liked the quiet and that he didn't mind being alone as much as I did. But something was going on and I had all week held on to the hope it would get better today. I wanted to at least try.

I left before the other's woke up. Today I really didn't want to deal with mocking comments, even though I knew they had had fun as well. At home, I took a shower, changed and felt almost human again. It was after 1 PM when I got to Namjoon's. I was imagining him sitting there all ready, maybe even mad I had made him wait that long but kind of knew that wasn't the case. He probably would have at least texted me if that was the case. But as soon as I got into the apartment I was met by dim light and partially drawn curtains and stale air. Almost out of habit by now I opened a few windows on my way to his bedroom. Inside it was pitch black and when I opened the blinds Namjoon just groaned, hid his face under a blanket.

"Hey..." I said smiling and sat down on the bed next to him. "You weren't really still sleeping, were you?" "Was..." he murmured and didn't show any interest in moving the blanket away, which resulted in me sitting next to him, a little at a loss what to do.

"It's the afternoon. We wanted to take a walk, remember?" Another groan. "Went to bed around six, okay?" "Six? Whyyy?" He turned away from me, but I didn't get it yet, just laughed out in surprise, tried to tickle him before he pushed my hand away. "I thought you'd come home, I waited for you." I looked down at my hand, now definitely not tickling anymore. "Oh. Oh, I didn't know." "It's fine. I am just tired." "Well, could you at least like... look at me while you talk?" The blanket was pushed away with force and he looked up. His eyebrows raised. "What do you want to talk about? I just want to sleep, okay? Pretty easy to understand I guess, so I am not sure what we need to talk about..."

I could hear the blood rushing in my ears. I felt like I stopped breathing for a second. We stared at each other for a second but when I realized that he wanted me to snap as well I just shrugged, got up and walked out of the bedroom. It was only when I arrived at the kitchen aisle - propping both hands on it and taking a few deep breaths - that I felt angry. Really angry. How was I supposed to know that he was waiting for me when he had told me he didn't want to come but I should go and have fun? How was I supposed to know he was waiting for me when most nights he ignored me when I with him? It seemed somewhat mad to think this way after only three weeks, but during that time it had not seemed like he cared enough to even notice that I was here so how the hell was I supposed to know that... "Stop thinking." I told myself. "He isn't either."

I had brought takeout, which was still sitting in a bag on the kitchen counter and because I didn't know what to do I started eating by myself. Should I just leave? Was I supposed to wait here until he got up? Should I just go back in and try again? While I ate I answered some text messages from the night before to keep myself distracted from deciding and eventually he came out and walked over to the fridge. "There is more food next to the sink if you feel like it..." I tried. "Just want cereal." Was the only response. Jesus fucking Christ. What was this? Was I talking to a child? "Suit yourself." I murmured and closed the lid of the container in front of me. "I am going home." At first, I thought he wouldn't even respond, but while I stuffed the little plastic box into my purse - which really wasn't the best idea but I just didn't want to stay anymore...even if it meant curry in my purse - he looked over from the fridge.

"You are leaving?" I shrugged, not even looking up. "Well, are we going on a walk?" "No." Now I was looking at him and shit, he really stared at me like an upset little boy. Which only made me madder. "Well, then I should go home, shouldn't I?" I said, walking towards my shoes, putting on my jacket. He had enough time to stop me, but really I didn't even want him to. When I got outside the air was clear and it felt like spring really was finally on its way. On the cab ride home I got so upset about him - myself. the situation.- that I changed my mind and considered asking Georgia and Sue whether they wanted to join me instead. But Georgia wasn't even awake yet and I knew that Sue probably would get what was up. Vaguely I remembered the conversation I had had the night before. And I didn't want to talk about it right now. Maybe it wasn't the best idea, but I called Jimin, who didn't pick up and then Hobi, who not only picked up but also then dragged Jimin out of bed and a little later we met at a park next to Han River and walked around. All of us with masks and beanies and the two boys in their least obvious clothes... Hardly anyone looked at us. In retrospect, I couldn't quite say why I had called the two of them. But if they thought it was weird they didn't show it, they seemed to be happy to get out a little now that they weren't quite as hungover anymore. We ended up getting food somewhere, eating it by the water and in the end, I had exactly the light-hearted little weekend day that I had hoped for. Just without Joon. And that I didn't really feel lighthearted at all, but it was still fun. Still better than sulking at my apartment all alone. When I finally got home in the early evening I was so incredibly tired that I went to bed. I didn't need to check my phone to know that Namjoon hadn't called. He didn't call on Sunday either and so I just went to work on Monday, thinking whether I was acting like a child as well. Maybe I was. I knew he was having a hard time but for some reason, I couldn't call first. By the time I got home Monday night I was ready to have a big old cry and just went to bed around 8 instead. Amazing. Maybe sleeping could just become my way of avoiding to cry.