POV: Jordan

It had been a couple of days since Alex talked to me, the last time we spoke was on my birthday during thanksgiving. I just assumed he was busy with school, so I didn't try to really bother him, I only texted him and called him a couple of times.

Being back at school felt different without Alex, it felt more empty. I couldn't quite explain it, but something just wasn't right in the school.

"Hey Vivian," I said as we walked to our carnivore studies class together. She looked up at me and smiled. "Have you heard from Alex lately? He hasn't really been answering my texts or phone calls. I don't want to sound like I'm being clingy, but it's our third day back after break and I haven't seen him anywhere."

Vivian shrugged her shoulders. "I have his number, but he's never really texted me about anything other than school, but I'll give him a call for you." She dialed his phone number and let it ring, then it went to an automated voicemail. "Sorry."

"That's ok," I said. "Thanks for trying."

After school I decided to head over to his dorm, maybe I would catch him working on homework. And maybe his phone was broken like mine was. The thought of him brought warmth to my chest and I held onto my heart, never feeling the pain I used to feel, only feeling happiness and warmth.

I had deemed our little date during the break a success, I couldn't quite tell if he had feelings for me, but that was something I needed to work on with him. I knew eventually he would come around, I just had to wait patiently for it, waiting for the perfect time.

I knocked on his door and Steven answered. "Oh, hey Jordan."

"Hey Steven," I said, peeking my head past his shoulder and looking into the clean room. "Is Alex here?"

Steven tilted his head to the side. "You just missed him, I don't remember where he said he was going though, sorry."

I shook my head. "Steven what good is that dog brain of yours if you can't remember where he went?-sorry, that was insensitive."

Steven shrugged it off. "Here I'll try calling him." It rang for a while, then the familiar automated message played. "Hey Dalton? Do you think you could call Alex's phone?"

"Why?" he said from his bed.

"Jordan is looking for him."

"Isn't that his girlfriend?"

I walked into the dorm room. "Nice to see you too Dalton." He did a cat call towards me and winked at Steven who rolled his eyes. "Just call Alex."

"Why should I?" he said, getting up from his bed and coming dangerously close. I had always kept my claws unretracted in case guys ever got too close to me. I always kept them out so they knew to stay away.

"Looks like the cats got a crush on the dog!" Dalton teased, snickering to himself.

"What is your deal?" I said.

"My deal?" He bared his fangs. "It's pompous brats like you who think they can just swoop in and take any guy they want."

"Oh, so now you're protecting Alex now? Sure, he's told me all of the awful things you've said to him. You know what? Fuck you."

I turned my head and left the room, Steven tried to get me to stay but I was done being there. I would just find Alex myself, this school wasn't that large anyway. If I didn't find him once the school closed, I would just show up to his dorm again. Dalton be damned.

️ ️ ️

Where are you?

I scouted every hall, looked in every classroom. He wasn't answering any texts, any phone calls. I was beginning to get worried. I asked everyone I could if they knew where he was, just going for a straightforward answer, but I got neither.

I sighed, I had been searching the whole day, the sun was beginning to set across the horizon outside the school windows. It was a perfect sunset, pinks, golds, and purples mixed together to form a beautiful sky.

But that's when I smelled it, pungent and bitter. A metallic flavoring crept onto my taste buds and stung my nose. I followed the scent down dark hallways, past ticking clocks above my head, they seemed to be counting down to something, and around dark corners. The school had begun shutting off the lights, making every corridor dark and threatening.

I stopped when I reached one of the bathrooms at the back of the school, frozen with fear from a red splatter, staring right back at me. I couldn't move my legs, I could feel my heart race increase with each second that passed on the ticking clock above me. My eyes were frozen to the tiny red dot, a million scenarios filling my head, pushing any sort of reason out.

I willed my legs to move, but they wouldn't, hopelessness, a dark pit of despair formed in my body. What was I going to find in there? In the bathroom where the smell of metal was so thick, it burned through my nose as I took rapid breaths. My hands were shaking, my legs couldn't hold my weight much longer. I felt everything around me being surrounded in a dark haze.

One second after another, my legs moved forward, but they didn't move forward out of curiosity, no, they moved forward out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of whatever lied in that bathroom. It was a tempting fear, a fear that although I was afraid, beckoned me further.

Each step was slow, methodical, meticulous. My heart beat through my ears, my pulse skyrocketing with each new red puddle that became ever clearer. My body wanted to freeze, my mind wanted to stop thinking, to burn all of the horrible thoughts that ran through my head. But nevertheless, it continued, ignoring the signals from my brain to stop, ignoring the pants and pleas of my mind to cease each action, each repetitive motion that kept my alive.

I rounded the corner peering into the bathroom.

That's when I saw him.

He lay on the cold tilted ground, being perfectly placed in a river of red. Two distinct marks ran across his forearms that were outstretched to the sides, perfect red liquid oozing and bubbling from each wound. The fur on his arms was no longer grey, no longer the coarse texture they used to be. They soaked up each drop eagerly, sucking away his life with each minute second that passed.

I wanted to gag, to scream, to run, to hide. To forget the animal that I saw lying before me, lying right in front of me. His head was laid back, his eyes were closed. His breathing was stopped, his chest no longer moving in a normal rhythm. His blue shirt was red, his pants, red. Everything on him was blood red, life giving blood that burned my eyes, stabbed my soul. Blood that made my lips quiver and my body convulse.

I looked away, heaving from the scent, clutching my heart, hoping, desperately hoping the pain would go away. Was this what a heart attack felt like? Never ending pain? I turned back towards him, his head falling low and his ears falling with it.

I wasn't in control of my body, and I sprinted over to him, my shoes splashing in the puddles of blood. I knelt down beside him, placing my hands on the ground and slipping from the thick liquid that pooled everywhere. My clothes were a crimson red, matching his. I cupped my hands around his face.

"Alex?' I shook him hoping this was all an elaborate prank that he pulled on me with Vivian, but I got no response. "Alex!" I yelled. I tried to stop the bleeding from his arms, using my hands to keep pressure on it. But it wouldn't stop, it flowed past my hands and onto the ground.

"No, no, no, no. Please, no!" I yelled into the bathroom, my cries echoing off the white tiled walls. I tried to calm my rapid breathing, panting and feeling myself go dizzy, now wasn't the time to panic, but I couldn't help it.

"Ok," I said, running a hand through my fur and clasping my hands together to make a fist. "Ok, Jordan," I panted. "You can do this." I pressed my clasped hands against his chest, trying to remember anything from one of the medical classes I took.

"1...2...3" I counted out loud as I began compressing his chest.

"1..2...3"

"1...2...3"

"1...2...3" I yelled for help, hoping anybody would hear me, but silence was my only response.

"Come on Alex," I said as my eyes brimmed with tears. "Please, stick with me."

I didn't know how long it had been, it felt like eternity, but It was only a couple of seconds. I had given up on the chest compressions and I laid next to him, stroking the fur on his head, holding him close to my body. I had yelled for help a couple of times before giving up, but again, silence was my only response.

I didn't have my phone on me, it was dumb to leave it in my dorm. I thought I would just find Alex and go back to grab it. I never thought I would find him dead on the bathroom floor.

If only I had searched more, If only I had paid more attention.

If only.

"Hello?" Someone said from the hallway, their voice echoing through the bathroom.

"Help," I said in the lowest whisper possible.

Large brown boots rounded the corner, and the principal looked down at me, holding Alex close to my chest. His face flushed with panic and he began dialing 911. I tried to tell him it was too late, but my voice wouldn't work, my brain had given up on trying to rationalize the situation I was in. The only thing it thought about was making sure Alex was comfortable in his last moments.

I ignored the yells and pleas from the principal, I just wanted to be with Alex, stroking his fur. I wanted his tail to wag, I wanted his eyes to flutter open and meet mine. But they didn't.

Memories of what we had done together flooded back, and I threw my head onto his chest, crying and heaving from the emotion. I wanted the pain to go away, I just wanted him back. I couldn't accept that he was dead, but when I looked at his face, at his closed eyes. It was all I could see. Death wrapped it's cold hands around him, and sunk him low into the ground, leaving me on the surface.

Two paramedics rushed in with a stretcher, they shoved me out of the way, ignoring my wails and cries. They hoisted Alex up onto the stretcher, bandaging his arms as they rushed him out of the room. I followed after, screaming at them that he was already dead, that they should've just left him with me before yanking him away.

I reached the ambulance outside, cursing the paramedics out. They rushed Alex into the back, and I did the only thing I could do to control the situation, I jumped in with him. The paramedics ignored me as they tried to stop the bleeding. I stood in the back as they shut the doors and rushed us off. A couple of times the heart monitors line went low, it was unstable and it dropped every few seconds. The paramedics had to tear off his shirt, I thought I would be tearing off his shirt when we had our first kiss. I never expected to have it happen like this.

White fur covered his chest, unlike the fur on his arms, it was clean, perfectly white. I wanted to run my hands through it, he looked so peaceful as the paramedics used a respirator to help him breathe. He had three claw marks that were healed across his heart, and it hurt even more to know that they were still somewhat fresh.

I sat in the back, sobbing into my hands, listening to medical gibberish being yelled around and the sound of machines sirening off. Occasionally I would look up at him, at his sweet face, but it only made me cry louder. I tried my best to calm myself down, but my whole body released everything it had when a paramedic wrapped her arm around me and watched as her co-workers worked tirelessly.

She had to be quite sure Alex wasn't going to make it if she was willing to leave her post. I just cried into her blue uniform holding on tightly with my hands and burying my face into her chest. I just wanted Mom, I just wanted Dad.

Being in the ambulance brought back old memories of Dad, old memories of seeing him like Alex, cold and dead.

The paramedic was whispering in my ear, but I couldn't hear her, I couldn't hear anything. I wanted sleep, I wanted my mom. I wanted the whole world to take me instead, I wanted the universe to transfer Alex's pain to me, so that I didn't have to see him suffer, so that I didn't have to hold his cold hand.

We reached the hospital and Alex was taken out of the ambulance. The paramedic who sat next to me helped me off of the ambulance with her warm hand. I didn't get a clear picture of her until now, she was a grey wolf. Nothing like Alex, brown fur and dull brown eyes. But even if it wasn't Alex, it made me think of him, and the tears started back up.

"Hey, it's ok. Look, they're taking him to one of the trauma rooms right now, he's going to be ok," she said, holding my shoulder and balancing me towards the exit. I didn't believe her, I was with Alex the whole time, I didn't hear a heartbeat, I didn't feel any signs of life inside of him. "What's your parents phone number?"

Can-can I…go with him?" I said through sobs and sniffles. The paramedic bit her tongue and looked off to the side.

"Ok, but stay by my side." I nodded in agreement and she led me through the trauma room to where Alex was lying. I wasn't allowed inside, but the paramedic let me watch from the tiny windows they had. One of the doctors released the blinds so I couldn't see, but another one folded them up, giving me a sympathetic look.

I sat on the bench near the window and threw my head back. Tears had given up on me, just like the rest of the world had, and I felt my eyes slowly drifting off.

If I told you, this was only gonna hurt, if I warned you that the fires gonna burn. Would you walk in? Would you let me do it first, do it all in the Name of Love? Would let me lead you even when you're blind, in the darkness, in the middle of the night, in the silence-when there's no one by your side. Would you call in the Name of Love?

️ ️ ️

I opened my eyes to see Mom standing in front of me, her eyes low, her fur frazzled. "Mom," I choked out, feeling mucus slide against my throat. "Mom," I said, looking at her and crying. She sat down next to me and wrapped her arms around me, rocking me back and forth. Somehow I still had tears left in my body, everything was just pain and hurt. Everything wanted to collapse in on itself, the only thing keeping me from falling apart was Mom's embrace.

"He's dead, isn't he?" I said through sobs. Mom just shushed me as nurses and doctors walked by. I wondered what they thought when they saw a snow leopard sleeping on one of their benches in their trauma room. I wondered what sort of reaction they had. Did they think Mom was a bad parent for leaving me there? Did they think about their own children and how they would never allow them to see what I saw?

"No, no he's not," Mom said as she rocked me back and forth. "He's alive, but just barely."

If I told you, we could bathe in all the lights. Would you rise up, come and meet in the sky? Would you trust me, when you're jumping from the heights? Would you fall in the Name of Love?

I dug my face into her shirt leaving wet stains. "R-really?" I looked up into her tired blue eyes and she nodded her head. I started laughing, first it was small tiny hiccups, but then it was loud, but Mom just kept rocking me back and forth, stroking the fur on my head and rubbing my ears.

Whispers all around told me I was in shock, but I didn't know what that meant.

"Can I see him?" I asked.

Mom shook her head. "No, you can't see him until his parents arrive."

I looked around everywhere for grey wolves, there was one in the corner, but she already had a kid with a broken arm, and I didn't remember Alex telling me he had a brother. Then I turned my attention to the male red deer at the front desk, sounding frustrated and agitated from the lady who was refusing him something. The female red deer, who I assumed to be his wife, was sitting on one of the couches. Her eyes were dull, glossed over, almost as if all of the life had been drained out of her.

No one can find the rewind button girl. So cradle your head in your hands, and just breathe.