As much as Buck loved being a nurse, there are days when it's just a bit too much. Too much death. Too much pain. Too many people hurting one another. And those days weigh heavy in his heart. He knows that witnessing other people's trauma can cause trauma or reinforce past trauma. He's talked family members of patients through it enough times that he can recite it without thinking. He knows that the heavy feeling he's experiencing, the feel of an invisible string pulling him down to the point where standing up straight is exhausting, is his own trauma rearing its ugly head, fueled by what he's seen in the ER that day.
Jasmine does her best to keep him going throughout the shift. Smiles, jokes, pats on the back to try to ground him into the present and not allow him to get too far into his head. While she doesn't know his past, she has an uncanny ability to understand what he needs without him saying it, and she doesn't press. By the time 8:00 rolled around and Buck was handing off his duties to the head nurse of the night shift, he was antsy to get out of the ER, but dreading going home.
He thought about calling Maddie. Seeing if she was up for a Buckley night, but he knew that Chimney had the night off and he didn't want to intrude. Knowing Eddie's schedule helped him know when not to bother his sister because her boyfriend was home for the evening. He briefly thought about just driving around a bit, maybe stopping at a diner on the edge of town just to get away from the bright lights of the city. He had just made it to his car when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He unlocked the car door and pulled it open before fishing the device from his pocket.
To: Evan Buckley
From: Eddie Diaz
You're the deciding vote,
Above the text was a picture of a cozy looking Christopher, hair wet from a shower and already in his pajamas. There is a while smile on the boy's face as he held up two different DVD's for Buck to choose from. Buck smiled at the picture as he sat behind the wheel of his car, thumbing at the screen. He and Eddie had built this friendly relationship through text messages over the last month. Neither of them had talked about the cheek kiss outside of Maddie's house, but they weren't actively avoiding each other either. He'd grabbed lunch with Eddie a few times over the last month, once with Christopher in tow. They also stayed glued to one another's sides at the monthly 118 family barbeque that Buck had been welcomed at without a second thought. In some ways, Eddie had become his best friend. Part of his family. As had his son. And while Buck tried so hard to push away any kind of romantic feelings for Eddie, they didn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. When his phone buzzed again with a series of impatient question marks, Buck finally pulled himself together enough to text back.
To: Eddie Diaz
From: Evan Buckley
If your guys' day was anything like mine, then definitely Ice Age. Coco is absolutely fabulous. But my vote is for a funny movie.
To: Evan Buckley
From: Eddie Diaz
We're putting it in now. Chris says he's only waiting 30 minutes before we start it, so you better get here quick.
The insinuation that Buck would be joining them, had the blonde raising his eyebrows and biting at his bottom lip. Spending an evening with the Diaz boys was definitely better than the plan he had scraped together for himself this evening. But he didn't want to impose. Before he was able to think of a soft way to turn the invitation down, his phone lit up again.
To: Evan Buckley
From: Eddie Diaz
Laughter is the best medicine after a hard day. Laughter with friends is even better. Don't even think about skipping out. See you in 30.
A soft smile enveloped Buck's face as he stored his phone in the cupholder of the jeep, started the ignition and began the drive to the Diaz's home. Twenty minutes later he was pulling in the drive beside Eddie's truck. He slipped from the vehicle and made his way up to the door, knocking lightly against the wood. A moment later the door swung open to reveal Eddie with a smiling Christopher perched on his hip. The boy had gotten his cast off a week before, but still had to wear a soft brace on it for a bit, which meant his crutches still weren't an option.
"Bucky!" Chris exclaimed happily, reaching for the man and Buck's hands came up to pull the boy from Eddie's arms and into his own. Christopher locked his arms around Buck's neck before leaning back slightly to look at him. "We made popcorn!" he said excitedly.
"Popcorn? Of course! You can't have a movie night without popcorn!"
Chris nodded his head in agreement while Eddie and Buck shared a smile over his shoulder. Eddie stepped back to allow the slightly taller man to enter the home. Buck carried his charge to the living room, dropping Chris down onto the couch with a flourish that made the boy bounce and giggle. "We almost started without you," Chris revealed, making Buck clutch his chest in mock hurt.
"You said I had 30 minutes before you'd start the movie. I got here in 20," We protested playfully.
"30 minutes is a long time," Chris said seriously, which had Buck chuckling at the boy's cheekiness.
"I figured you were coming from work," Eddie said from behind him, making Buck turn. "I left some shorts and a shirt of my bed if you want to change out of your scrubs."
Buck had to admit, the offer was appealing. Not only because he felt disgusting after his 12 hour shift, but also because the idea of wearing Eddie's clothes felt like a privilege he wasn't willing to pass up. Buck nodded his head and smiled in thanks before slipping down the hall to where he assumed Eddie's room would be. He removed his scrubs and folded them neatly, leaving them on the top of Eddie's dresser before slipping into the clothes the other man had laid out for him. The shorts fit without incident, though the shirt was a little tight in the shoulders. He didn't mind though. That combined with the smell of Eddie that lingered on the clothes made Buck feel like he was being wrapped in a hug from the man in the other room.
Buck returned to the living room to find that the couch had been pulled out into a bed, Eddie on one side and Christopher in the middle. There were pillows propping them up, and blankets strewn across their legs. Chris patted the empty spot on his other side when he saw Buck enter the room. Buck slid in to the open space and allowed the boy to pull the blanket over his legs for him as he settled against the pillows. Eddie plopped a giant bowl of popcorn on Chris lap, and used the remote to start the movie.
Buck felt himself relax against the cushins as the movie played. A little more of the tension in his body leaking out at every giggle that escaped Chris' lips as he watched the screen. As the movie progressed, Chris listed to the side to rest his head against his father's chest, and Buck watched fondly as the man pulled his son closer and pressed a kiss to the crown of his head. Buck took it upon himself to remove the bowl of popcorn, now mostly empty, from the boys lap and place it on the ground beside the make shift bed. Buck allowed himself to get more comfortable in the still home, sliding further down on the couch. He caught Eddie's arm movement out of the corner of his eye as the man stretched it across the back of the couch. He didn't think anything of it until he felt the man's fingers begin to thread through his own short strands at the back of his head. Buck tensed at first, and though he was sure Eddie felt it, the man didn't pull away completely, just stopped his movement until Buck relaxed again. The darkness of the room, the quietness of the TV and Eddie's hand in his hair making his eyelids begin to droop.
By the time the movie was finished, Christopher was snoring softly against his father and Buck was a few moments from passing out himself. Eddie slid himself out from under his son and stood up before bending to scoop the boy into his arms. "You're welcome to stay, you look beat," Eddie offered, keeping his voice soft as he shifted Chris against his shoulder.
"No, it's okay, I can.." a yawn cut his protest off.
"Please stay, Buck," Eddie asked, "You're exhausted. I don't want you on the road like this."
"Ok. Thank you," Buck conceded.
"You're welcome to anything in the kitchen if you're hungry. Bath room is the first door on the right. Good night Buck."
"Goodnight Eddie," Buck replied softly as the man made his way down the hall to put his son to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It had been a very long time since Buck woke up in a place that wasn't his own home, his sister's couch, or the on call room at the hospital. He was confused as remnant of sleep fogged his brain. He was also slightly panicked about waking up in a place he didn't recognize. It was the sweet childish giggle from the kitchen, followed by a grown man shushing that made Buck remember where exactly he was. He pushed himself up off the pull out sofa he had slept on, straightening out his, well Eddie's, clothes and running a hand through his hair as he made his way to the kitchen.
Christopher sat on the counter next to the stove, a safe distance so he wouldn't get burned, but close enough for Eddie to support and stabilize him as needed. The boy was laughing at his father as the man fussed over something on the stove, and Buck took a moment to just lean against the door frame and admire the duo, content to tease and just be with one another.
"Good morning," he finally said, making his presence known.
"Buck!" Christopher's wide smile turned to the man and he held his hands out for him to lift Christopher off of the counter and onto his hip.
"Good morning Superman. What's so funny this morning?"
"Daddy's trying not to burn the eggs. He's not very good at cooking,"
"Traitor," Eddie commented with a smile, making Chris burry his head against Buck's shoulder as he let out another giggle while Eddie's eyes stayed focused on the task at hand.
"You glare at those eggs any harder, they're going to burst in to flames," Buck commented with a laugh.
Eddie huffed, "If you want breakfast, I'd keep your mouth shut and stop heckling the chef,"
"Sorry," Buck laughed, "Chris and I will just set the table then and stay out of the Chef's way,"
Buck allowed Christopher to tell him where to find the plates and silverware before setting the boy down at the table. He brought the items over and supported Chris in laying them out where they needed to be. When he turned back around, Eddie was right behind him, holding out a mug of hot coffee.
"Thanks," Buck said softly, allowing the mug to warm his hands as he breathed in the sent. Eddie offered him a small smile before turning back to the food and transferring everything to a serving platter.
All in all, Eddie had managed to make slightly undercooked scrambled eggs with too crispy bacon, but Buck didn't complain. He was so touched by Eddie being so sweet to him, both last night and this morning. The meal was filled with chatter from Chris as he talked about his week at school and everything he was looking forward to doing with his Abuela that evening when Eddie dropped him off before his shift. Too soon for Buck's liking, he had to leave in order to start his shift in the ER. He used Eddie's room to change into his scrubs from the previous day, grateful that he always kept a spare pair in his locker at the hospital. As he folded the borrowed clothes and placed them on Eddie's messed up bed, not noticing his wallet still on the dresser as he made his way out to big goodbye and head to work, but not before snagging tight hugs from both Diaz boys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You slept over at hot firefighter's place last night?!" Jasmine all but squealed when Buck came to work looking rumpled and in the same scrubs as yesterday. Buck just shook his head at her as he ducked into the locker room, Jasmine following him in.
"Why do you assume I was at Eddie's? Maybe I stayed at my sister's place last night. Or hooked up with someone."
Jasmine snorted as she leaned against the locker while Buck traded his old scrubs for new ones, "Please. You don't just hook up. That's not you. And you're smiling, like… a lot. So if I had to guess who put that smile on your face between Eddie and Maddie? It definitely wasn't your sister."
Buck tried to school his features to bring the giant smile down a bit, but it was no use, "Maybe I just got a good nights sleep,"
"Yeah, next to hot firefighter," Jasmine said, wagging her eyebrows up and down.
"Fine," Buck relented, knowing Jasmine wasn't going to let this go. "I was at Eddie's last night.,"
"I KNEW IT!"
"But I slept on his COUCH," Buck emphasized as he sat on the bench to tie his shoes.
"Ohh… Didn't even make it to the bedroom, huh,"
"You're a real menace, you know that?" Buck asked as he locked his locker up and headed for the nurses station with Jasmine following like an over excited puppy behind him.
"You love me," Jasmine countered, "So spill,"
"I went over to have movie night with him and Christopher,"
"You did it in the living room with his kid there?"
"No," Buck groaned and rolled his eyes, "Will you shut up, or I stop talking." Jasmine made the motion of zipping her lips, "I went over for movie night. I was exhausted. Eddie didn't want me to drive home while I was so tired so he offered his couch bed. That's it. That is all that happened. Eddie is just a friend."
"A friend who makes you blush anytime he is mentioned or he texts."
"We're just friends, Jaz. That's all we're ever going to be." He stated firmly before grabbing his clipboard and heading into a treatment room.
Buck busied himself with work so he could avoid Jasmine and her invasive questions. He knew she meant well, but every time he had to say he and Eddie were just friends, he got a sour taste in his mouth. He was hunched over the computer in front of him, trying to see what the hold up was on getting one of his patient's labs back, when a shadow loomed over him, making him look up.
Eddie stood at the counter, leaning slightly over it to look at Buck with a bright grin on his face. "Eddie! What are you doing here? Are you okay? Is Christopher okay?" he asked in quick succession, as he stood up to be eye level with the other man.
"Chris is fine," Eddie reassured him with a soft smile, "He's at Abuela's and I'm on my way to work."
"Okay," Buck let out a breath, "Good. But then…what are you doing here?"
Eddie's smile turned into a playful grin as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a familiar object, "Someone left his wallet on my dresser this morning. I wanted to return it before you panicked when you realized you didn't have it."
Buck took the wallet, and gave Eddie a grateful smile, "Thank you. I didn't even realize I had left it."
"I figured when I didn't get a call about it," Eddie shrugged. "I also brought you coffee," he revealed, tapping the cup on the counter between them that Buck hadn't even noticed.
"You didn't have to. But thank you," Buck hoped the sincerity was clear in his voice.
"I should get going. Cap will give me the worst chores if I'm late. Have a good day, Buck," Eddie leaned over the counter and pressed a kiss to Buck's cheek before the other man even realized he was moving.
It took all the cognitive power Buck had to form a reply of "You too," before Eddie was slipping out of the door and out of sight. He stood there staring for a moment, his cheek tingling from the scruff of Eddie's beard and the softness of his lips. He shook his head, and pulled the coffee too him, smiling to himself as he took a sip. He was about to sit back down to get back to what he was doing when he caught sight of Jasmine from the corner of his eye.
"Just friends my ass," she hissed into his ear as she walked by him, and Buck didn't even try to reprimand her because he was starting to realize that whatever he and Eddie were….it wasn't just friends.
Notes:
I'm not super active on Tumblr, but you can find me @kml8990
Chapter 8
Notes:
Longer than normal chapter because it just kinda took off on me.
TW: rape mentioned at the end of the chapter
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 8
"I don't wish injury on anyone, but I could really use a good trauma right about now," Jasmine complained from her place on the floor behind the nurses station where she was listlessly bouncing a ball against the adjacent wall.
"Don't say things like that," Buck admonished from his place at the counter, standing next to where she sat.
"I'm just so bored," Jasmine groaned, throwing her head back dramatically.
Buck sighed and hung his own head, "For the first time in 2 weeks I am 100% caught up on all of my paperwork and you're complaining about it being a slow night. You just jinxed us," he complained, nudging his friend with the toe of his shoe.
"I didn't say it was a slow night, you did. I just said I was bored, so if anyone is to blame for a jinx, it's you."
"You know you could always go reorganize the supply room," Buck suggested as he organized the files in front of him.
"I said I wanted a trauma, not more boredom," Buck nudged her again at that statement. "So what's new with you and firefighter hottie?"
"His name is Eddie," Buck sighed in exasperation, "And nothing is going on. We hang out, we're friends."
"Uh-huh," Jasmine nodded sagely, "Friends who eye fuck each other when they think the other person isn't looking."
"Jasmine," Buck hissed, looking around to make sure no one was listening in on their conversation, "First of all, we do not. Second of all why is this any of your business?"
"I'm just saying….In the last two months he has invited you to dinner or over for dinner with his kid multiple times, you've had a handful of movie nights, and he's brought you coffee to the hospital 5 times – not that I'm counting." Buck snorted, "Someone who invests that much time in someone else isn't something to let slip through your fingers."
"I like Eddie," Buck admitted, looking down at his friend, "I like him a lot. I'm just not sure if I'm ready for a relationship."
"Did you not hear me?" Jasmine asked, pushing herself to her feet to stand next to Buck, "You're already in a relationship! Just without the really fun parts."
Before Buck could respond, his pager started beeping insistently. He looked down and pulled it from where it was clipped on the waist of his scrubs to look at the message, his brow deepening in concern as he read it. "Look alive people!" He called out into the mostly empty ER, gaining the attention of all the nurses and Doctors milling around. "Train derailment. LAFD is on the sight right now and lots of patients coming in. Mass casualty protocol! Let's get things ready!"
As soon as the words left his mouth, the ER was a flurry of activity as the hospital staff moved to get all available beds, wheelchairs and other equipment ready in anticipation of what was to come. He turned back to Jasmine, "NEVER complain about a slow night," he scolded before jumping into action himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eddie couldn't say that he was upset about being pulled from the train derailment site to help get victims to LA General. The site had been a mess. Train cars littered all over an empty field. People thrown from the wreckage, bloody, bruised, and in some cases, dead. It hadn't been a pretty sight to witness. There were so many victims it was overwhelming, and there were still a ton of people trapped inside the mangled train cars. He had been pulling people out of the wreckage for the last two hours without a break. When Captain Nash had radioed that the Battalion Chief had ordered 118 to transport some of the more stable victims to the hospital using their engine, Eddie was more than willing to take a break from the carnage.
When the 118 fire engine pulled up to LA General's ER entrance, Eddie realized that the hospital was going to be just as chaotic as the accident scene. He busied himself helping victims down from the engine and into the waiting hands of various Nurses and Orderlies who led them inside the building to be triaged. When the last person was out of the truck, he slammed the door closed and followed the rest of his crew into the hospital. The lobby had turned into a triage zone. Injured people littered all over with colored tags around their necks indicating treatment order and a group of uninjured, worried, family members looking for answers about their loved ones crowded the receptionist's desk.
Hen stepped up to the nearest nurse, who Eddie recognized as Jasmine, Buck's friend, "Do you need any help?" Hen inquired, "We can help with triage and free you guys up for the treatment rooms," she offered.
"That would be up to my boss," Jasmine said without missing a beat as she rolled gauze around a seemingly superficial head would. "He's inside the ER. His name is Buck."
"Oh we know Buck," Chimney commented as they all crossed the lobby and entered the chaotic ER.
There were people moving everywhere. Doctor's moving quickly from room to room, nurses rushing to get supplies or lab orders to the doctors. No one on the team head ever seen an ER this overflowing with patients in need of immediate care. Eddie spotted Buck before anyone else, and nodded towards where the man stood scribbling something on a whiteboard.
"Buck?" The man in question spun around, uncapped marker still in his hand. He looked tired, but determined. His calmness almost eerie in the midst of the craziness around him. "Battalion Chief sent us over to help. Hen, Chim and I are certified paramedics. We can do triage in the lobby to free up your nurses," he informed him.
Buck took a deep breath and nodded, thinking hard, "Yeah that could work." He agreed. "Go ahead and relieve Jasmine and the others. Remember red tag is critical, yellow is needs to be seen soon, green is they can wait. Black…well, you know what black means, but hopefully no one is dying in my lobby."
The firefighters nodded, before turning to return to the lobby and take over, dodging people left and right to get back to the door. Eddie hung back for a moment, locking eyes with Buck, "You good?"
Buck gaze softened and a small smile pulled at his lips, "Yeah." He said, keeping his voice low, "Lets save some lives."
Eddie nodded and turned to follow his team to the lobby. When the lobby doors opened, however, he was greeted with screaming and arguing, people's emotions running thin and making them mean. Captain Nash was trying to calm a few unhurt people down, to get them to stop yelling at the poor receptionist, but it didn't seem to be working. It was like the anger was contagious and spreading amongst the people crammed together in the library. It was escalating quickly and Eddie was worried that someone was going to start throwing punches soon. Eddie was about to reach for his radio and ask dispatch to send LAPD to support, when he felt someone push by him and Jump onto the reception counter. When he looked up, he realized that it was Buck who now stood on the counter, cupping his hands around his mouth to project his voice above the crowd,
"ENOUGH!" The yell was loud enough to carry over the many angry voices. It made Eddie wince thinking about how rough the shout must have been on Buck's throat. Slowly, the crowd quieted down and turned their attention to the blonde nurse standing above them on the receptionist's desk. "I know that you're scared," Buck began, lowing his voice so he was no longer yelling in the now quiet lobby. "Some of you are scared and worried, some of you are scared and hurt. Either way we are all scared. I understand. But yelling and getting angry at one another isn't going to help solve anything. When we feel big emotions, we don't always think clearly, so take a few deep breaths and calm down!" He ordered.
"These three firefighters are going to triage anyone who is hurt. I know you may be uncomfortable and in pain, but I ask that you wait for your turn and we will get to you as soon as we can. We are treating the life threatening injuries first. For anyone who is here to see if their loved ones are okay, I ask for your patience and understanding. Victims of the train crash were sent to three different ER's and we're still trying to identify many patients. Please give your name and the name of the person you are looking for to the receptionist or this nice fire captain here. They will collect that information and check our system to see if your loved one is here. If you cannot be patient and kind, I will have security remove you from the building, is that clear?" Buck paused and looked around the lobby as many people quietly nodded their assent. "I understand it has been a hell of an evening for all of you and it's a fucked up situation, but let us do our jobs." With that, Buck jumped down from the desk, stopping to hand clip boards to the receptionist and Captain Nash before heading back to the ER doors. Eddie followed and grabbed the other man's wrist, pulling him to a stop.
That was really hot. That was what Eddie wanted to say to the other man. Instead, he said, "That was really awesome."
Buck gave him a shy smile, "Just doing my job," he replied before sliding out of Eddie's grip to get back to work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buck was officially on hour 15 of a 12 hour shift and he was exhausted. The final victims of the train derailment were all in treatment rooms. The lobby was cleared and the ER was closed to incoming traumas for the next hour to allow time for hospital staff to clean up, restock and put themselves back together. He leaned against the counter, palms flat against the work station and head hanging down, taking a moment to just breathe.
He had seen a lot today. A lot of heartbreak, a lot of death, a lot of love, a lot of gratefulness and it made his head spin. He unwrapped his stethoscope from around his neck and tossed it onto the counter before standing up straight.
"I'm taking ten," Buck told Jasmine, not waiting to see her nod of acknowledgement before disappearing into the empty staff lounge.
The thing about being head nurse, was that it all fell on him. A family's grief of a lost loved one, a family's frustration over not knowing what is going on, a patient's frustration over having to wait in pain for hours, the nurses and doctor's frustration over slow lab work or x-rays. It all fell on him. He was the boss. And he had handled it. Every tear, every angry rant, every complaint…he had handled it. And now in the quiet after the chaos, it was hitting him like a ton of bricks and he was trying hard to hold himself together. He heard the door open behind him, and tried to reign everything in before whoever it was who just entered could see.
"Buck?" It was almost embarrassing how fast Buck turned around at Eddie's voice. The man stood in the doorway, not sure if he would be welcomed to come in or not. He was still in his turn out pants, suspenders now hanging instead of over his shoulders, sweat stains visible on his LAFD t-shirt, but the mere sight of the man had some of the tension leaking from Buck's shoulders. "Are you alright?"
Buck nodded, dropping his gaze to the floor as Eddie stepped farther into the room, "Yeah…it was just…a lot."
"It was," Eddie agreed, stepping up to the blonde man and stopping when he was directly in front of him, "But you handled is magnificently," Buck snorting at the compliment, "I'm serious," Eddie insisted, placing a warm, calloused hand on Buck's forearm, making the blue-eyed man look up. "You were amazing out there today. You are the reason everything went so smoothly and people got the help they needed."
"No. Everyone did that. We all worked together to make it happen," Buck countered, making Eddie slide his hand up to Buck's shoulder, thumb pressing against the other man's pulse point.
"Everyone did a great job working together to get things done," Eddie agreed, "But it was under your leadership that it happened. Don't sell yourself short."
Looking into Eddie's chocolate brown eyes, seeing the sincerity and pride in them, had Buck sagging forward to rest his head against the brunette man's collar bone. Eddie's hand came up to cup the back of Buck's neck, "I'm so tired, Eddie," Buck admitted, his voice cracking as he fought back tears of emotional and physical exhaustion.
"I know," Eddie whispered, squeezing Buck's neck and pressing a kiss to the crown of his head.
Maybe it was the exhaustion. Maybe it was all the conflicting emotions inside of him. Maybe it was just the man himself that had Buck pulling back, locking eyes with Eddie before closing the small gap between their faces and connecting their lips. Buck hadn't kissed anyone in over 3 years. He hadn't willingly kissed anyone in nearly 5, and Buck thought he should feel more nervous than he was, but he wasn't feeling anything but contentment as Eddie's hands came up to frame his face as he kissed him back.
When Buck pulled back from the kiss, he let out a nervous laugh and refused to look at the man before him. Instead, he chose to stare at where his hands were now clasped in front of him, hands that were currently shaking and he wasn't sure if it was from the adrenaline crash of the train derailment or a result of kissing the man he had been thinking about for months.
Eddie placed his hand over Buck's clasped ones, drawing Buck's blue eyes up to look at him, "I've been wanting to do that for a while," Eddie admitted shyly and Buck's cheeks flushed red as he nodded,
"Me too," he revealed softly.
"Hey…" Eddie hesitated, but at Buck's questioning head tilt, he continued on, "I'm sure you're off shift soon. I am as soon as I make it to the station and change. Why don't you come over when you're done?" he asked, immediately adding more at Buck's wide-eyed expression, "Not for anything….just to sleep. Chris is with my Abuela for the night, and I don't know about you, but after this hellish evening, I don't really want to be alone. And I'm thinking you don't either."
Buck bit at his bottom lip in hesitation, he hadn't planned on kissing Eddie tonight….or ever really. But now he had, and now the man wanted him to stay over. It was all so sudden. So soon. But, If Buck was honest with himself, he didn't want to be alone either, and the one person, other than his sister, that he trusted most was Eddie, though if he ever admitted that to Jasmine, she would probably murder him for placing Eddie ahead of her. Finally, he nodded and a relieved smile stretched across Eddie's face.
"Great. I uh…I should get back, but I'll see you soon?" the firefighter asked nervously, squeezing Buck's hands gently. Buck nodded again, and Eddie leaned in to peck his lips lightly before pulling back and exiting the lounge, Buck watching him go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Complete and utter panic prevented Buck from exiting his car over an hour later. He had driven over to Eddie's like the two had talked about at the hospital, but he had spent the last 10 minutes parked in the driveway beside Eddie's truck, staring at the house in front of him. The porch light was on, as well as the lights inside making the home look and feel inviting. Buck had been in that home plenty of times, so many days off spent lounging with the two Diaz boys. He had even spent the night in the home once before, so for the life of him he didn't understand what was keeping him from walking up to the front door and knocking.
That was a lie. He did know. He had kissed Eddie, on the lips, a mere hour ago. He had kissed the man who had quickly become his best friend, and while he knew Eddie was nothing like Paul, his knee jerk response was to run. Being close to a man had brought him nothing but pain in the past. He didn't regret the kiss though. It had been the bet kiss of his life, even if it was short and rushed in the aftermath of a chaotic day.
He briefly thought about calling Dr. Oliver, the psychiatrist who worked in the ER and had seen right through Buck's carefully secured mask the first day he reported to work at LA General, but he didn't. He already knew what the man would say. His past, his trauma, will always take up space in his life. How much space he allowed it to take up was his choice. He had decided a few years ago that what he had gone through wasn't going to define him, and that meant beginning to open his heart to others. That meant going up to Eddie's front door and knocking instead of putting the car in reverse and driving away.
With a deep breath, Buck finally pulled the handle on the door and shouldered it open, grabbing his phone from the center console of the jeep before sliding out and letting the door swing shut. He pressed the button on his key fob to lock the car as he walked up to the door. He knocked softly before stuffing his hands in his pockets and staring at the ground. It didn't take long for the door to open,
'Hey," Eddie greeted making Buck look up and take notice of his soft smile and furrowed brow, "You good?" the man inquired and that was when Buck realized that Eddie had been aware of his presence in his driveway the last ten minutes and had simply let Buck work through it himself without pushing or even texting.
Buck's chest filled with warmth at the knowledge, "Yeah," he breathed, offering a small smile of his own.
Eddie stepped back and allowed the slightly taller man into his home before closing and locking the door behind him. The home was quiet and warm, just as welcoming as he has always experienced despite the missing presence of one ray of sunshine that was an 8 year old boy. Eddie placed a gentle hand on Buck's bicep, squeezing gently as he came to stand beside him.
"I don't know about you, but if I sit down to watch TV, I'll be passed out within in minutes," Eddie said with a laugh, "I have a TV in my room. I was thinking….we could lay down and watch something, that way if we pass out we're already in bed," he said uncertainly, "But, if you would feel more comfortable, I could set up the couch for you like last time.
Eddie was giving him an out. Was offering him space and letting Buck decide his own comfort level, and that knowledge alone was what made Buck answer without hesitation, "Bed sounds nice,"
Eddie's smile was bright as he placed a hand low on Buck's back and led the man towards his bedroom, turning the living room light off along the way. The clothes Buck had borrowed the last time he had slept at Eddie's, along with a new toothbrush, rested on the edge of the sink in the in suite bathroom. Eddie gently pressed a kiss to the other man's temple before pushing him toward the open bathroom door.
After changing, using the facilities, and brushing his teeth, Buck exited the bathroom to find Eddie laying in bed, covers pooled around his waist and remote in hand as he scrolled through the apps on his smart TV. Buck second guessed himself for only a moment before padding over to the empty side of the bed and sliding in next to the firefighter. Eddie clicked on the remote, the next episode of Parks and Rec cued to begin playing before setting the sleep timer on the TV and setting the remote aside.
Buck was rigid on his side of the bed, his heart hammering and his hands shaking. The last time he shared a bed with another man he had been raped. It had taken Buck years to admit that was what had happened to him. That what Paul had done was rape him for over a year. He was having a hard time reconciling that the man lying next to him was not the same man who hurt him. Eddie switched off the bed side lamp, plunging the room into darkness, the TV giving off just enough light that Buck could see some of Eddie's features in the glow.
The firefighter slid further down in the bed until his head was resting comfortably on his pillow. He didn't try to pull Buck close to him, or even looked at the other man, simply laying there and watching the TV.
After a few quiet moments between them, Eddie flopped one of his hands down to rest between their bodies, palm up. After another moment, Buck placed his own palm on top of Eddie's and allowed the other man to tangle their fingers together. When Eddie gave his hand a gentle squeeze, Buck felt his heart begin to slow and some of the tension leave his muscles, allowing him to sink against the mattress. He closed his eyes, leaving his hand still tangled with Eddie's as he slowly drifted to sleep.
Notes:
Comments and kudos make my day.
You can find me on tumblr @kml8990
Chapter 9
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 9
Buck surprised himself with just how calm he was waking up in Eddie's bed, the other man still fast asleep beside him. They had moved in their sleep so they were both facing each other, their still clasped hands resting between them like they hadn't let go of one another throughout the night. The sun was shining through the curtains behind Eddie, giving a glow to the slumbering man and Buck allowed himself to just look.
Eddie was attractive. That much Buck had noticed the first time he laid eyes on him at Maddie and Chim's housewarming party. The man's caramel skin and chiseled jaw may have caught his attention, but it was his gentleness and attentiveness that made Buck start to let down his guard, and so far the other man hadn't taken advantage.
Eddie grunted in his sleep before his eyes fluttered open. A smile stretched across his face when he noticed Buck staring at him from the other side of the bed, "Good morning," he mumbled, his eyes falling closed again but the smile never faltering.
"Morning," Buck whispered, his hand involuntarily squeezing Eddie's from where they were still intertwined.
They laid there for a moment, just breathing together before Eddie forced his eyes open again, "I'm glad you stayed," he said softly, his brown eyes locking with Buck's blue.
At first, Buck thought Eddie was talking about him coming over after his shift last night, but after looking closely at his eyes, he realized that Eddie was actually thanking him for not bolting in the middle of the night. It still took his breath away with how easily the other man seemed to be able to read him sometimes.
"Thank you for letting me stay,"
"You're always welcome here Buck. No matter what." Eddie twisted in bed to tap on his phone on the nightstand before turning back to his original position, "It's late," he reported.
"How late?"
"Nearly noon," he revealed, and it really wasn't that surprising considering Buck had arrived at the house just after 1 AM and the two had both had exhausting shifts the day before. "Do you work today?"
Buck shook his head against the pillow, "No. I'm not back on until tomorrow afternoon. You?"
"No. Off today and tomorrow," he reported with a happy smile, a breath of relief escaping him at the thought of two whole days off. Before Buck could respond, his stomach made a loud growling sound, forcing a blush onto his face and making Eddie laugh, "If Chris is a reliable source, I'm a pretty terrible cook," he admitted, squeezing Buck's hand since they hadn't bothered with pulling them apart, "But I'll go see if there is something I can make for us without burning down the house."
"I can help," the blonde offered as Eddie pushed himself upright to lean on his elbow.
"You don't have to," Eddie reassured, "But I never turn down help in the kitchen. First…"
Eddie leaned in toward Buck, slowly enough that the nurse could've pulled away or pushed him away if he really wanted to, but Buck found that he had no desire to. A moment later, Eddie's slightly chapped lips pressed against Buck's in a gentle but caring kiss. Buck let go of Eddie's hand to thread his fingers into the short hairs on the back of the man's head, deepening the kiss slightly by sliding his tongue across the seam of the brunette man's lips until they parted.
Buck's heart was racing, but not in a bad way. Eddie's scent surrounded him, keeping him grounded and in the moment as the sweetest and gentlest man he had ever met kissed him thoroughly. Eddie was the one who pulled away first, both of their chests heaving slightly from the kiss, "Good morning Buck,"
Buck let out a god-damned giggle, burying his face into the crook of Eddie's neck, "Good morning Eddie," he replied, pressing a kiss to the side of the man's neck as his stomach grumbled again.
Eddie chuckled, before pressing a kiss to Buck's forehead and rolling out of the bed, making Buck flop face first onto the mattress while Eddie straightened his clothes and headed out of the room to find something for them to eat.
Buck stayed in bed a few moments longer, cuddling Eddie's pillow and trying to hide the gigantic smile on his face. He felt liked he did when he as 12 years old and Bryan Letham, an eighth grader who was his first crush, said hi to him at lunch. He was giddy as he listened to Eddie move around in the kitchen. And he allowed himself a few more minutes to bask in his happiness before he reluctantly left the warmth of the bed and made his way out to the kitchen to find Eddie at the stove, what looked to be scrambled eggs in the pan in front of him.
Eddie shot Buck a grin over his shoulder when he heard the other man enter the room. Buck's shirt was wrinkled from sleep, and he had a pillow crease on his cheek, but he was absolutely beautiful to Eddie, considering he had been working up the nerve to tell Buck how he felt for weeks now. "There's coffee ready in the pot," he said softly, turning back to the eggs in an effort not to ruin them.
"Thanks," Buck murmured, dragging his hand across the small of Eddie's back as he stepped around him to fill the empty mug the man had left out for him. "Do you need any help?" He asked as he sipped the warm drink.
"I don't think so," Eddie replied with a smile, "Contrary to Chris' criticism, I can handled some eggs and toast. I'm sorry I don't have anything fancier. Going to the grocery store was on the to do list today"
"I can leave after breakfast, get out of your hair," Buck said nervously, not wanting to overstep his welcome in the home.
Eddie was quick to turn to him, hand reaching out to grab the one of Buck's not holding the coffee mug, "No!" he said urgently, letting out a small chuckle at his loudness, "I meant what I said earlier. You're always welcome here. I want you here." He squeezed Buck's hand before turning the heat off on the stove and transferring the eggs to the two plates had waiting nearby with toast already on them. "But, if you want to leave I won't stop you," Eddie was quick to reassure, locking eyes with Buck as he passed him one of the plates. "Chris is getting dropped off in an hour."
The sincerity in Eddie's eyes had Buck smiling as he took his plate to the kitchen table and sat down, Eddie following him, "Leave now and miss out on seeing my favorite Diaz? Not a chance,"
Eddie barked out a laugh as he settled into his seat, "I'm always second in line to my kid,"
"Do you blame me?"
"Not in the slightest," the pair shared a smile before digging into their food.
They chatted softly as they ate. Talking about the craziness of the evening before as well as Eddie's plans for the next day since he lucked out with two days off in a row. They didn't breech the subject of what was going on between them, and Buck actually found that to be somewhat comforting. He knew they would have to discuss it eventually, but having the time to just enjoy this new found closeness between them was nice as well. As they cleaned up from breakfast Eddie got a phone call from his Aunt, saying they were in his drive way and Eddie stepped outside to greet his family and help his son while Buck finished the dishes.
"Bucky!" came Chris's cheerful call a few minutes later as Eddie carried him inside. Buck quickly dried his hands before reaching out to take the boy from Eddie's arms.
"Hey Superman!" he greeted warmly, hugging the boy and ruffling his hair. "Did you have fun with your Aunt and Abuela?"
"Yeah," Chris nodded, "We made cookies! And we ate them all!"
Eddie feigned hurt as he watch the pair with a smile, "You didn't even bring your old man one?"
Chris shook his head as he grinned over at his father, "No. Abuela said you eat enough junk food since you can't cook."
Buck couldn't help the loud laughter that escaped him at the boy's statement, earning a glare of the other man. "Your Abuela thinks she's funny, but she's not," Eddie grumbled. "We have to go to the store and get food Mijo," Eddie told his son, "So think about what you might want for dinner while I go get dressed."
"Did you and Buck have a sleep over?" Chris asked innocently, noticing the neither his father or Buck were dressed to leave the home, making a small blush erupt on Buck's cheeks as he glanced at Eddie.
Eddie chuckled, "Yeah something like that,"
"Is Buck coming too?" Chris asked, looking at the man in question.
"If he wants to. He may have other things he needs to do today," Eddie told his son, clearly giving Buck an out.
"There's no place I'd rather be," Buck said softly when Chris looked at him in silent question, making the kid throw his head back with a giggle.
They set Chris up on the couch with a show playing on the TV while both man went to change. Buck borrowed another pair of athletic shorts and a t-shirt from Eddie since he didn't have anything but his scrubs there, before ducking in to the bathroom to change, leaving the other man to change in his room. It didn't take long before they were both presentable enough to make a run to the grocery store.
Buck pushed the cart up and down the isles behind Eddie as the man perused the shelves for the items needed to make it through the week. Chris was sat in the middle of the cart basket, laughing hysterically every time Eddie pretended to forget he was in there as he tossed a new item into the basket. It was all so domestic, and Buck never thought he could have something like this. Something that felt so easy.
He should've known that nothing was ever that easy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later that night found Buck alone in the kitchen, cleaning up the remnants of his evening with the Diaz boys while Eddie got Christopher settled in bed. The evening had been relaxing and fun. From helping Christopher build a dragon out of legos, to cooking homemade mac and cheese for his two favorite people, which Eddie and Chris both raved about. After dinner they had settled on the couch together, Chis in between them, using Buck's lap as a pillow and throwing his legs across Eddie's lap. Upon hearing that Buck had never seen any of the Marvel movies, it had been decided that they needed to remedy that right away, though Chris was asleep before the movie was over. It had been the best evening Buck had had in a very long time.
He heard soft footsteps behind him as he finished loading the dishwasher, closing the appliance's door before turning around and leaning against the kitchen counter to smile at Eddie who was leant against the doorframe watching him.
"What?" Buck chuckled nervously, his right hand coming up to rub behind his neck,
Eddie shoot his head, "Nothing. It's just…today was wonderful,"
"It was," Buck agreed as Eddie pushed off the wall and closed the distance between them. "Thank you for letting me stay and spend the day with you,"
"You could stay tonight as well," Eddie offered, his hands coming up to gently rest on Buck's hips.
"You're not sick of me yet?" Buck asked, and though he made sure to phrase it as a teasing statement, Eddie saw right through him.
"Never," he said softly before closing the small gap between them and pressing their lips together.
Buck closed his eyes while they kissed, allowing Eddie to deepen it this time, their lips moving against one another, their tongues battling for dominance. Buck was enjoying the kiss very much but when Eddie moved his hands underneath his shirt, it was like something inside him was triggered. Suddenly he was no longer in Eddie's warm house, pressed up against the counter top he had just wiped own, but pinned against the wall of Paul's apartment as the man violently ripped at his clothes despite Buck's protests.
In the very back of his brain, he knew that he wasn't with Paul. That he was safe. That this was Eddie and Eddie would never hurt him. But the majority of his mind was locked in a flashback that he never wanted to relive. His hands gripped the edge of the counter behind him, and his breath came in heaving gasps as Eddie's lips and tongue pressed against his neck. He wanted to push him off. To say something, but it was like his was frozen. A small whimper escaped Buck as Eddie pressed a kiss against his pulse point.
The firefighter instantly pulled away at the sound that was clearly not one of pleasure. He removed his hands from underneath Buck's shirt as he took in the man before him. Buck was shaking, and not in a good way. His eyes were squeezed tightly shut as tears leaked from them and his breathing was labored. "Buck? Buck, what's wrong?" Eddie asked worriedly, reaching a hand up to cup Buck's cheek but pulling it back immediately when the other man flinched at the touch. "Buck, I need you to take a deep breath, you're breathing too fast." He instructed, taking a step back from Buck to offer him space.
With hands no longer on his body, Buck's mind relinquished its hold on the flashback. He kept his eyes closed as he walked through some of the exercises that Dr. Oliver had taught him. He focused on what he could smell, (mac and cheese, Eddie's after shave, the lemon soap by the sink), what he could hear, (the dish washer running, Eddie's voice asking him to take some deep breaths, the refrigerator humming softly). He listened to Eddie's voice as the man walked him through deep breaths, 7 seconds in, 7 seconds out, until his breathing was under control. When he finally opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Eddie's concerned face, the man standing a good foot away from him in an offer of space.
"Are you with me, Buck?" Eddie asked softly, and Buck felt his cheeks burn with humiliation as tears continued to fall from his eyes. How was he going to explain what happened? This was why he hadn't wanted to get involved with Eddie in the first place, but he had still let the man worm his way into his heart.
"Sorry, sorry," Buck sniffed, rubbing harshly at his eyes before pushing himself off the counter and walking out of the room.
"Are you okay?" Eddie asked, following Buck into the living room, "Where are you going?" he asked when he noticed Buck slipping on his shoes at the door.
"Sorry. I gotta…I need to go," Buck refused to look at the other man as he grabbed his wallet and keys from the table next to the door.
"I'm not sure you should be driving," Eddie argued. "How about we sit and just calm down a bit?"
"I can't. I gotta go," Was all Buck choked out before he all but ran out the door and to his jeep. He was pulling out of the driveway before Eddie made it to the front door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You know," Buck looked up from the mountain of paperwork in front of him, when he heard his sister's voice. Maddie was standing on the other side of the nurses station, a deep frown on her face as she took in her baby brother's appearance. "When I realized you were interested in Eddie, I prepared this whole 'Don't hurt my brother', speech to give him. It never really crossed my mind that I would have to give it to you instead."
"What are you doing here Mads?" Buck asked, clearly ignoring everything that had just come out of his sister's mouth.
"Looking for you. You've been avoiding me."
"No I haven't. Work's just been crazy," he protested, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest as he looked at his sister.
"You have missed our last two coffee dates, and you've been answering my texts with 5 words or less. Something is going on and it's not work." Maddie argued, "So you and I are going to grab lunch at the diner across the street and talk."
"I'm working, Maddie," Buck protested, leaning back over his paperwork.
"I know on good authority that you're not actually on shift today, you're just here because you don't want to be at home by yourself," Maddie said airily, making Buck look across the hospital at where Jasmine was pretending to work, shooting a glare at his traitorous best friend. "C'mon. You're done avoiding me." Maddie nodded towards the door, and Buck reluctantly stood and followed her out.
The diner was pretty empty, so they were quickly seated. They stayed quiet as they looked over the menu and placed their orders. When the waitress left after dropping off their drink, Maddie finally leaned on the table and gave her brother a serious once over.
"You want to tell me what's going on? Or should I guess?"
Buck shrugged, refusing to meet his sister's gaze, "Nothing's going on. I've just been busy."
Maddie sat back against the booth and took a sip of her iced tea, "Okay," She said as she set the glass back down, "Let me tell you what I know. I know that according to Chim, Eddie's been acting like a kicked puppy for the last two weeks. He's been checking his phone a lot, moping around, and trying to subtly ask my boyfriend if you're okay." Buck tried his best not to react to what his sister was saying, but a guilty blush started to rise to his cheeks. "I also know that you and Eddie had been spending some more time together recently. And that you were happy when I spoke to you. I also know that it was about the time that Eddie's mood changed that yours did as well. You stopped answering my texts and avoiding me all together. So…did something happen between you and Eddie?"
Maddie should have been a detective instead of a 9-1-1 dispatcher, Buck decided, as he listened to his sister put the clues together. There was no point in denying it now that Maddie had clearly laid it all out on the table, so Buck simply nodded, spinning his glass of coke between his fingers.
"I'd ask if Eddie did something, but if he had, I don't think you'd look quite so guilty. So what happened?"
"We kissed," Buck revealed after a few moments of silence.
"That's a good thing!" Maddie said happily, "So why do you both seem to have your own private rain clouds hanging over your heads?"
"It was good," Buck agreed, finally looking at his sister. "It was great, actually." He mumbled, "He's so gentle, and patient. He's a good man."
"But…"
Buck sighed, "It was late. He had just put Chris to bed and I was cleaning the kitchen," he explained, wanted to get the story out quickly, "Then we started….we were kissing and everything was great, but then his hand was under my shirt and I just…I panicked," he revealed, tears pricking at his eyes as he explained everything to his sister. "I knew I was with him. That he wasn't Paul, but all I could think about was Paul and Paul's hands being on me instead of Eddie's. I couldn't breathe. I was crying. Eddie was trying to calm me down. He backed off really quick and he kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn't tell him. So I just… I left."
"Oh, Evan," Maddie cooed, her eyes filled with sadness and empathy for her little brother, "Its normal to have flashbacks some times. You went through a lot. It's not just going to go away."
"I wish it would," Buck sniffled, "Because I was starting to feel happy again. Eddie was making me happy."
"He still could,"
"I just left him Maddie. I couldn't explain why I was upset. I didn't want him to know, so I just left him. And I've ignored all of his texts and calls. He probably wants nothing to do with me."
"I don't think so," Maddie tried to soothe. "From what Chim's said, he's pretty miserable too."
Buck wiped roughly at the tears escaping his eyes, "Doesn't matter. If he knew…he wouldn't want anything to do with me."
"I don't think that's true," Maddie said softly as he placed her hand on top of her brother's. "I think you're scared of letting him in, and I don't blame you. But Eddie is a good man, and he obviously cares for you. I think you're not giving him enough credit." She said, softly and pulled her hand away when the waitress came to deposit their meals on the table.
Once she had left, Maddie turned to her brother again, "I'm going to say one more thing and then the conversation will be dropped for now and we can have a nice meal together, okay?" At Buck's nod, she continued, "You have every right to be untrusting of men and relationships. But, you've been scared before and you never let it stop you. Now you are head nurse of the ER. Just…don't let your fear keep you from moving forward. Because I'd hate for you to miss a chance at something great with Eddie. Don't let Paul continue to have that power over your life."
With that, Maddie dropped the conversation in order to eat her lunch, Buck staying quiet but following suit. He wasn't even tasting his meal, instead he was mulling over his sister's words. She was right. He could see the potential of something great when it came to Eddie, and he had to make a choice. Take a leap of faith and hope Eddie would still be there, or decide not to take a chance and go back to his life as it as before he had met the brown eyed firefighter.
Notes:
Kudos and comments make my day!
Find me on tumblr @kml8990
Chapter 10
Notes:
Sorry it took so long to get a new chapter out. This past week has been a little crazy. But I hope you enjoy.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
CHAPTER 10:
"I know you've said you don't want to talk about whatever's been bothering you the last few weeks, but you've gotta figure it out because you're making everyone miserable," Jasmine said softly as she leaned into Buck's personal space behind the nurses station.
"Nothing's bothering me,"
"You're a terrible liar," Jasmine rolled her eyes, "But I am a good detective," she said smugly, "I know this is about hot firefighter."
Now it was Buck's turn to roll his eyes, "His name is Eddie, and I'm fine. Nothing to do with him."
"I beg to differ," Jasmine protested, following behind Buck as he moved to the other side of the desk, "About the time you got mopey, your phone stopped blowing up. No fun jokes from a certain someone's kid, no requests for coffee or hang outs. So mopeyness plus no more texts that make you smile equals problems in paradise with hot firefighter."
Buck sighed and let his head hang, "I'm an idiot."
"I've known that for a while now, you gotta give me more,"
Buck snorted at Jasmine's comment before standing up fully and turning to he could lean against the counter, "We kissed," Jasmine let out an ear piercing squeal that had Buck rolling his eyes, "But then I freaked out and left his house and haven't texted him since."
"Go you ghosted him? Was the kiss that bad?"
"The kiss was great," Buck blushed, "Best I ever had. And I didn't ghost him, I just stopped responding."
"That's the definition of ghosting," Jasmine replied. "Why did you freak out?"
"I don't know," Buck shrugged, "Bad memories of a past relationship took over the moment. It had nothing to do with him."
"Then you should tell him that. He probably thinks he did something wrong."
"Hey boss!" Buck looked up to see another one of his nurses calling to him, "You may want to see this,"
Buck frowned and pushed himself off the counter to walk to the other end of the nurses station where a small crowd was gathering to watch the muted TV that was mounted on the wall. A breaking news story was projected across the screen and Buck reached for the remote to unmute the television.
"Shit," Jasmine hissed from beside him as they listened to a news reporter explain the giant factory fire that was being displayed from a helicopter's satellite video. The fire was raging and multiple fire crews were arriving as the reporter stated that it was a four alarm fire, one of the largest fires LA has seen in a while.
Buck stayed silent as he watched the screen. With a fire this big there was bound to be some casualties. As the camera panned, he caught a glimpse of fire truck 118 arriving to the sight, suited up firefighters hitting the ground running to begin tackling the beast in front of them. His stomach knotted up. Since he hadn't spoken to Eddie in weeks, he didn't know the man's work schedule. He didn't know if he was watching the man he had started to care immensely for run into an inferno or not. Buck pulled his eyes from the screen. He had to focus on the here and now and not worry about the what ifs, especially since Eddie wasn't his to worry about.
"Okay everybody," Buck spoke tersely, gaining the attention of the nurses around him, "East Mercy is closer to the fire than we are, meaning they'll probably get hit with the most critical. We still need to be ready to take any overflow though, so make sure all rooms are equipped with burn and intubation trays, as well as plenty of general first aid supplies."
At Buck's order, his staff scuttled away to do as he ask while he took a moment to re-mute the TV and take a breath, "He'll be okay," Jasmine whispered from beside him, her hand pressing against his lower back.
"I hope so," was all Buck could reply before he went to help get the treatment rooms ready.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Buck's phone rang hours later, he almost didn't pick up. He was exhausted. They had been hit with a wave of minor injuries from the factory fire, and while none of them were life threatening, they still kept them busy. He was chugging some water to try to alleviate the headache behind his eyes and he was inclined to ignore the buzzing phone in his pocket, but at the last second thought better of it. At seeing Maddie's contact on the device, Buck's throat felt tight. His sister knew he was working today. She wouldn't call unless it was important.
"Hey Mads," he said softly into the phone once he answered.
"Evan, have you seen the news?" Maddie asked in way of greeting.
"Not for a few hours, we got pretty slammed. Why? What happened?"
"You know about the factory fire?"
Buck nodded before remembering Maddie couldn't see him, "Yeah," he choked out, legs feeling week as he sat in a nearby chair.
"Chim and the crew were there," Maddie revealed, her voice soft, "I just got off the phone with him,"
"Eddie?" Buck managed to ask, ignoring the break in his voice as he waited impatiently for his sister's response.
"He's okay," Maddie reassured, and Buck slumped back in his chair, keeping his phone pressed to his ear as he tilted his head back to look at the ceiling, "They did get trapped in the factory for little while though. Eddie got banged up a little by falling debris, but Chim says he's fine. That they're all fine."
"That's good," Buck swallowed harshly, "Thanks for letting me know Mads."
"That heart in your throat, I don't know what I am going to do without him feeling? I know you're feeling it right now," Maddie said softly into the phone, "I feel it every time Chim has a close call. I'm feeling it now. It doesn't go away, but soon you'll realize that they are all excellent at their jobs and their main goal every shift is to come back home afterwards."
"Why are you telling me this?" Buck asked, wiping at his leaking eyes, "Eddie's not my boyfriend."
"He could be. If you just let him. You could've lost him today, Evan. So ask yourself this…would you have regretting pushing him away if today had gone differently?" The siblings sat in silence on the phone for a moment before Maddie spoke again, "They should be on their way back to the station now, so I'm going to go and get some things ready for Chim when he gets home. Just think about what I said. I love you."
"I love you too, Mads," Buck replied before hanging up the phone.
He stayed where he sat, his legs stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankles with his head tipped back to look at the ceiling. He knew Maddie was right. If something had happened to Eddie at the fire, there would have been so much regret. Regret for not allowing Eddie into his heart. Regret for allowing his past to control his present. Regret that he never told Eddie how amazing Buck thought he was. But thankfully, the worst hadn't happened. Eddie was alive. From what Maddie said, he was probably a little sore, but very alive. No regrets were warranted but yet, he still felt unsettled.
"I can see the smoke coming from your head you're thinking so hard. Try not to fry the few brain cells you do have, please," Jasmine teased as she walked around him to put her clipboard away.
Before he could second guess himself, Buck pushed himself to his feet in a quick but fluid movement. He unclipped his head nurse pager from his scrubs and handed it to Jasmine who stared at him with a raised eyebrow in confusion, "Can you cover the rest of the shift for me?"
"Yeah, of course. But why?" Jasmine asked as she took the pager from Buck and clipped it to herself.
"There's someone I need to go see," Buck said as he rounded the nurses station to head for the lobby.
"Tell hot firefighter I'm glad he's okay! And use protection!" Jasmine called after him and Buck was too focused on the task at hand to even blush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buck had been so sure of himself and his plan when he had left the hospital, but as he entered the garage of fire station 118, he wasn't so confident any more. Firefighters he didn't recognize littered the station, what Buck assumed, was the next shift getting ready to take over, and they had him wondering if he had missed out on catching Eddie. Meeting him at the fire station seemed less invasive than just showing up randomly at the man's house. He was about to head back out to his car in defeat when a voice called out to him,
"Buck?" The nurse turned to find Chim and his partner, Hen, coming out of a room on the first floor, dressed in civilian clothes and bags slung over their shoulders.
"Hey Chim," Buck greeted nervously, shoving one hand in his pocket and the other coming up to rub at the back of his neck, "Maddie told me about the factory. Sounded rough. I'm glad you're okay."
"Thanks," Chim replied, "But what are you doing here?"
"Uh…Eddie? Is Eddie still here?" he asked, watching as a wave of understanding flooded Chim's face.
"Yeah. He's finishing up in the locker room. It's the first door on the right. He's the only one in there."
"Thanks man," Buck replied gratefully as he walked around the other firefighters and to the door Chim had indicated.
Buck stood in the doorway as he watched Eddie secure his watch to his wrist. The other man was facing his open locker, which meant his back was to the door of the locker room where Buck stood. Eddie's slumped shoulders gave away the exhaustion he was feeling and Buck could see a large purpling bruise peeking out from under the man's shirt sleeve. Buck cleared his throat awkwardly, not sure how else to grab the other man's attention.
Eddie turned at the sound, his brows furrowed as he took in the blonde nurse stood in the doorway clad in Finding Nemo scrubs. "Buck? What are you doing here?" he asked, shutting his locker door and turning to face the man.
"I uh… I heard you guys were at the factory fire," Buck explained softly, taking a few more steps into the room to make the gap between them smaller. "I wanted to make sure you were okay."
"Really?" Eddie scoffed sarcastically, making Buck flinch, "That's surprising. I didn't think you'd even care considering how fast you ran out of my place the last time and the fact that you've completely ignored me for the last few weeks." Eddie's hands came to rest of his hips, but Buck could tell in his posture that it was more of a defensive stance than it was a hostile one.
"Of course I care, Eddie. I care a lot. About you and Chris."
"Well, you have a funny way of showing it," Eddie huffed out, letting his hands fall to his sides. "After you ran out like you did, all I wanted to do was make sure that you were okay, but you wouldn't talk to me. One minute we were kissing and the next you were out of there faster than road runner and I'm still not sure why. Whatever I did to make you uncomfortable, I didn't mean it."
"It wasn't you Eddie. You didn't do anything,"
"Can you spare me the 'it's not you, it's me' line'?"
"It's not a line," Buck protested, taking a deep breath and moving forward again so he was directly in front of Eddie. Now that he was within touching distance of the other man, he could clearly see the cut at his hair line held together with butterfly strips and the scrape and burise decorating his left cheekbone. Other than that, he just looked tired. "Eddie, I need you to hear me when I say that you did nothing wrong. I didn't leave that day because of you."
"Then why did you leave?" Eddie asked, his voice soft as he locked eyes with Buck, "I thought we were on the same page. I thought that we both wanted this. Wanted us."
Buck nodded, looking down at the floor, "I care about you Eddie. A lot. So much that it's a little scary. And I enjoyed the kisses and being close to you like that."
"So why did you leave?" the firefighter asked again.
"It's a long story," Buck breathed, looking up at Eddie again, "And I don't think the firehouse locker room is the appropriate place to have this conversation."
"Do you want to take this conversation back to my house? Chris is at school."
"You should probably be resting," Buck protested gently, his eyes looking over Eddie injuries again.
"I'm tired," Eddie admitted, "But I will never be too tired for you when you need me."
Buck's heart stuttered at Eddie's admission before he nodded, "Okay. I'll meet you there," Buck agreed, and watched Eddie hike his bag over his shoulder and make his way towards the door. Before Eddie could pull the door open, Buck reached out for the man's hand, stopping him. Eddie looked back curiously as Buck squeezed his hand, "For what it's worth. I am really glad you're okay," Buck said softly, his blue eyes meeting Eddie's brown.
The soft smile that enveloped Eddie's faced as he squeezed back before letting go made the anxiety filling Buck's chest seem, at least a little, worth it.