Tonks wanted to skip the order meeting, she didn't think she could face seeing him again, but she knew that would be childish. As badly as her heart ached, she knew that the Order was more important. So after work, she walked around London to kill as much time as possible before apparating to the Burrow, hoping the meeting would have started without her and she could just slip in quietly. True enough, everyone was already gathered around the kitchen table when she let herself in. "Sorry I'm a bit late" she mumbled to the floor as she slid into the empty seat next to Mad-Eye. She fixed her gaze on the table in front of her, heart beating rapidly as though it were trying to escape and make its way over to the werewolf at the other end of the table. She willed herself not to look at him, trying to focus on Mad-Eye's words instead, but the grizzled old Auror's report simply went in one ear and out the other. By the time Snape spoke, she wasn't even trying to listen. She was just musing over how useless an addition she was to the Order when she was brought back to the room with a jolt as she heard Remus's name. She looked up quickly, just in time to see Remus look away from her before he cleared his throat and addressed the room at large.

"We spoke before about Fenrir Greyback's involvement with the Death Eaters" Remus began, "until now he's remained quiet, but I doubt that will be the case for much longer now that Voldemort is no longer operating discretely. So, I will be going to join one of his camps..."

The atmosphere around the table grew tense, Molly let out a little gasp, but Remus ploughed on unemotionally.

"I hope that in joining them I will be able to gain better insight into their involvement and their plans, maybe even sway some of them to our way of thinking if things go well"

Tonks thought she had already been the lowest she could possibly be, but her heart sank even further at his words. She'd still been clinging to a little sliver of hope that Remus could still change his mind, or else Dumbledore would realise that it wasn't worth the risk. But hearing Remus lay his plans out for the whole Order, only confirmed that this really happening. All the mess of anger, pain, heartbreak merged to form some new sort of hopelessness she'd never felt before.

She felt a sharp jab on her upper arm and Mad-Eye growled under his breath "Tonks, what are you doing?" She looked up at him confused and he stared back at her with both eyes meaningfully, "your hair" he growled, eyes widening.

She frowned and grabbed a handful of hair from the roots, pulling it into her eye line she realised it was brown. She never opted to wear brown hair, unless she was on an assignment that required her to blend in but even then, she'd go for a far more exciting shade of brown than this. She frowned and then screwed her face up willing her locks back to pink but when she opened her eyes, nothing had changed. She tried again but still nothing. Getting a little agitated now she ran her fingers through it and realised it was long, longer than she'd ever worn it before, it fell limp and lifeless all the way down to her waist. She stood up sharply, jamming her hip into the table as she did so, and then remembered she had an audience and it simply wouldn't do to have a meltdown here of all places. Focussing on the voice in her head that sounded suspiciously like Mad-Eye, reminding her to stay calm, she slipped out of the kitchen and made straight for the bathroom.

After slamming the door shut and locking it behind her she stopped in front of the mirror, clutching the sink with both hands as her shaking legs threatened to give way. She tried to take some deep breaths and then morph again but still nothing happened. She tried and tried but she couldn't even lengthen a goddamn fingernail. Eventually she collapsed in a heap on the floor and gave way to the tears. The world was truly falling apart. She had never had this much trouble morphing.

There was a knock on the bathroom door and she jumped, her thoughts immediately going to Remus even though she could tell from the knock that it wasn't him.

"Tonks dear?" Molly's voice called through the door, "is everything alright?"

Tonks put on the strongest voice she could muster, "yeah I'm fine Molly! I'm just... not feeling too well... I'm going to have to head home, would you catch me up on anything I've missed?"

"Yes of course, do you need any potions or anything?"

"No no, really I'm fine. Sleep deprived mainly"

"If you're sure..."

Tonks checked her appearance in the mirror, she certainly didn't look too healthy – her face seemed paler than normal and the dark circles under her eyes were impossible to miss. And that was before you got to the blemishes that were normally covered up by morphing and the eyebrows that she'd never had to tend to in any other way than just through closing her eyes and imagining them tidied up. But at least any traces of her tears were now gone.

She opened the door and fixed Molly with a bright grin, "just need an early night, I'll be right as rain tomorrow!"

Molly surveyed her as though she wanted to argue but Tonks just beamed back determinedly, "well alright then" Molly conceded, "but I hope you'll come for lunch on Sunday? Ginny's been missing you"

"Of course! Sounds great" Tonks began to make her way down the hall, she needed to get away, smiling was becoming increasingly difficult. But Molly grabbed her arm gently as she passed, and Tonks looked round to see Molly holding out a hair tie which presumably belonged to Ginny.

Tonks grimaced, "oh, thanks..." she muttered as she took the hair tie and then looked down at her long brown hair feeling somewhat bemused. She'd never had any use for these little elastic bands before, if she wanted to sport a more elaborate hairstyle, she only need imagine it and her hair would hold itself up of its own accord. But she'd seen girls tie their hair up often enough, it couldn't be that difficult, so she mimicked what she thought girls normally did when they tied their hair up. Without a mirror it was rather challenging but soon her hair was at least out of her face so she assumed it was alright. But when she looked back towards the Weasley matriarch, she was met with a sympathetic smile and Molly beckoned for Tonks to join her. Reluctantly Tonks shuffled back over to Molly, remembering all the times in her childhood that she'd reprimanded her own mother, insisting that she 'wasn't a doll' to be dressed up and have her hair played with. Molly refixed her hair in no time and soon Tonks was rushing out the door muttering her embarrassed thanks and promising that she would of course be back for lunch on Sunday.

Tonks had been confident that by Wednesday she would have her morphing back no problem. Then when that didn't come to fruition, she was confident that she'd be back to normal by Thursday. On Thursday she told herself she was confident that on Friday she would wake up with pink hair again. But by Friday things weren't looking promising. She tried and tried until she was blue in the face but the most that ever happened was a fleeting glow of colour that settled back to brown so quickly, she could almost be convinced it had simply been a trick of the light. She determinedly did not go out to get her hair cut or buy any beauty products because that would be like giving up on herself, admitting that she could no longer morph.

Each day seemed to drag on endlessly as though she were in a sort of dream. In the evenings after work, she rattled about her little flat, hardly able believe that Remus had ever been here at all - his shoes next to hers in the hall, his robes next to hers in the wardrobe. With everything she touched she was distinctly aware that just a few days ago Remus himself had touched that very plate or cushion or book, and yet at the same time his presence there had already become such a distant memory that she felt she could very well have imagined the whole relationship. She would often get out the book they had once used to write secret messages to each other. She never knew whether she planned on actually writing to him, but there was something comforting about holding it, the last bit of proof that what they'd had was real.

And in amidst all that was the constant distress over the thought of Remus's impending mission. As much as she tried to tell herself that he could look after himself, the thought of him in that place made her sick to her stomach. And she couldn't help but feel she was partially to blame for his apparent death wish. He was running away from her after all. She cursed herself for not being able to be what he needed to rid him of all the prejudice he felt towards himself. She cursed her own rashness as she agonised over the thought that perhaps if she hadn't lost her temper when she brought him Greyback's file, then maybe she could have convinced him not to go.

By the time Sunday arrived she decided she needed to have a stern word with herself. She hadn't been herself these past few days and as much as she missed Remus and as much as she worried for him, Nymphadora Tonks was not the sort to lose herself because of a man. So, she forced some toast down her throat, dressed in one of her favourite outfits, lied through her teeth at her own reflection as she told herself that her natural brown hair wasn't all that bad, and set out for the Burrow, determined to enjoy herself yet still all too aware of that sinking feeling in her stomach that had become her constant companion.

As she greeted the various Weasleys, Mad-Eye and Hermione, Tonks mused how ironic it was that she'd always quite enjoyed being the centre of attention but now couldn't stand all the eyes that were on her. Molly's sympathetic smile that made Tonks feel like a little child, George's exclamation that he almost didn't recognise her with brown hair, promptly followed by a not-so-subtle kick on the shins from Ginny. And then there was Hermione's tiresome questioning about metamorphmagi and whether there were any known cases of shapeshifters losing their powers. Tonks was reminded of Hermione in Grimauld Place grilling Remus about werewolf rights and wondered how he had managed to maintain such impeccable manners throughout that conversation.

And then as though the sheer power of her yearning for him had been heard by the universe, her breath caught in her throat as Remus made his quiet entrance. He caught her eye for the briefest second and for a moment she wanted to go over to him, he couldn't reject her here in front of everyone. But she knew she'd come out of the exchange just as disappointed and heartbroken as last time. She surveyed him as he greeted Arthur, he looked quite possibly the worst she'd ever seen him. She knew without having to think about it that the full moon was just over a week away, not close enough yet for him to be feeling it's effects. She also knew that she shouldn't be so aware of the moon chart now, he wasn't meant to be the centre of her world anymore. But nonetheless she wanted to burst into tears as she took in his stooped frame, his sickly looking face, his exhausted expression.

All through lunch she only made half-hearted attempts to not look at him. Ginny more than once caught her off guard by asking her opinion only for Tonks to realise she'd been so absorbed in worrying about Remus that she had no idea what her and Ginny were meant to be talking about.

Once they'd cleared up Tonks excused herself to get some air and sat on the grass, watching the sun creep towards the horizon. She heard footsteps behind her, but she didn't need to turn around to know whose they were. She was so attuned to everything about him that she felt sure she'd recognise him miles off even if sporting numerous magical disguises.

Remus took a deep breath as he walked over to where the young witch sat alone on the grass. He knew there was nothing he could say to make her feel better, he also knew there was no way that he wasn't at least going to try. Seeing her like this broke his heart, she was so unlike herself and he felt furious that this war had robbed her of her sparkle.

"Dor-... Tonks" Remus corrected himself, noticing the way she tensed as he used her surname. He sighed as he eased himself down onto the grass next to her, "everyone's worried about you"

She let out a humourless snort, "great, just what I need. As if I don't seem incompetent enough already"

"Nothing about grieving makes you incompetent" he replied evenly.

Her eyes narrowed and she glared at the blade of grass she was now twizzling round her finger, as though it had greatly offended her. Eventually she turned to fix him with an equally steely glare, "that's what you think is it? You think all this is all because of Sirius?!"

Remus's lips tightened, he should have known where this conversation would have headed.

"I'm devastated over Sirius!" She admitted, "of course I am, and yes I feel terrible knowing that if I hadn't... that I should have... urgh that I'd been fighting Bellatrix just before. And yes before you say anything I know I shouldn't think like that but I can't help it. I know you still feel guilty as well. But I was handling it Remus, I mean we were handling it, together. At least I thought we were..."

Being so close to her for the first time today, he was only now able to see just how tired and downtrodden she really looked. Even her little speech was given with the air of someone who was running on empty. There was no raising her voice, no wild hand gestures, it was unnerving to see her like this. Unable to look at that woebegone face any longer, he also turned his attention to her fingers that seemed intent on ridding the Weasley garden of all its grass. "I know everything with us hasn't come at the best time, it's gotten all mixed up with the loss of..." he could still hardly bring himself to speak the name.

"It hasn't for me." She insisted, though her voice was still void of its usual passion, "I haven't got them mixed up. I know I'm devastated over Sirius and I know I love you and those are two separate things. I think you're the one who's got them mixed up. It's not bad timing, I know why it's now of all times that you've got cold feet."

Remus shifted uncomfortably, "I didn't come out here to talk about me" he muttered.

"Right." She huffed, "you're going to put it all on me instead. Even though you are the one who's walking away from the best thing that ever happened to both of us"

The incredulity at the fact that she really thought this used to feel so glorious, now it struck panic through his veins. "No, you're wrong. I'm not the best thing that ever happened to you, far from it. I don't even understand how we... how I let it get far enough for you to think that"

Tonks shook her head, exasperated. "You know sometimes I think I know you better than you know yourself, and I understand you so well. But sometimes I just can't even begin to comprehend where all these ridiculous ideas come from. And I want to be angry at you for being so pig headed that you think I couldn't possibly know how I really feel and what's really good for me. But the stupid thing is I love you so bloody much that instead of it making me angry it just makes me so sad that you're stuck in this self-destructive pattern of pushing everyone away."

Not for the first time since joining her outside, Remus struggled for a while before he was able to respond. "I already told you where it comes from" he began gently, "there's no way that a relationship with someone 13 years older than you who can't hold down a job, has next to no savings, turns into a blood thirsty beast once a month and is socially shunned for it, is what's best for you. And I know you'll see that in time. But right now, I don't want to leave knowing you're suffering"

"Well you can't have it both ways" she snatched up an entire fistful of grass before turning to look him dead in the eyes and his breath caught at the bluntness of her next words. "If you break my heart, I'm going to suffer. That's on you"

"Don't say it like that" he almost pleaded with her, unable to bear the thought of her heart breaking on top of his heart that had already been torn into a million pieces and seemed to be tearing itself into yet more little pieces the longer they sat there.

"Like what?" He could feel her eyes boring into the side of his face as he looked away like the coward he really was, "like it really is? Sorry Remus but I'm not going to come join you in your world of the mentally insane. I love you, you broke up with me, I miss you, I can't stop thinking about you and I'm so bloody terrified at the thought of you going on this suicidal mission. If you don't want me to feel that way I can think of a very simple solution. But apparently you're a whole lot stupider than I thought cos you don't see it"

"Please don't worry about me" he implored, "just move on Dora, get back to being you"

She snorted, "are you even listening when I tell you I love you? Remember when I told you that I'm an Auror and I can look after myself and you said you knew I could but you didn't want me to have to look after myself because you... cared about me. Well, it's like that. I love you, so you telling me not to worry won't stop me worrying"

He wished she'd stop talking about love, it stung because he loved her back, it stung because if she truly meant it, he knew the pain she must be going through and he had to tell himself she wasn't feeling this as harshly as he was. "You have to let me go. I'm not worth you being like this over. You have your whole life ahead of you to do amazing things and to meet someone who can... give you... everything you deserve. Because you deserve so much, so much more than I could ever give you"

"You still don't get it" she almost whispered, "the fact you think that proves you can give me something that no one else can. My grandmother told me once that the only person who deserves you is the one who thinks they don't deserve you"

"No one deserves you" he said with a sad smile, "but there are people out there who come a whole lot closer to deserving you than I do"

"I don't know what I can do to change your mind. I thought in time I'd get you to see what I saw"

"There's nothing you can do, this is how it is. I'm a werewolf. Werewolves don't end up with beautiful, intelligent, talented, funny and incredibly kind young witches. It's just not how the world works." If Sirius was here, he'd hex him for being so defeatist.

"But it could be how the world works" she pushed, "you're the one who's making it go this way. We could change the way the world works"

"No." He said with more finality this time, "I wouldn't want to even if I could. Because it's not fair on you. Even that brief time together was all you making sacrifices for me, you shouldering my burden. It isn't fair, I shouldn't have let you not even for a little while. You're too good to realise that"

"It didn't feel like that to me Remus that's just what you think. I was happy, I was so bloody happy, no one's ever made me feel like that, ever"

He could sense he was getting nowhere, they were going round in circles. She was about to cry and he didn't have the strength to keep doing this. He had to leave, the sooner he was out of her life, the sooner she'd be able to see reason and move on. But leaving her like this only made leaving her so much harder. He had one last thing he could do for her. And then he would do the best thing he could possibly do for her that he should have done a long time ago and get gone for good.