Hello all,
Thank you so much for your comments on the last chapter and for your continued support of this story. Hope you're all keeping well and that you enjoy this next update. Until next time...
General Content Warning: Chapters in this story may contain upsetting or triggering content including but possibly not limited to violence, consensual and non-consensual sexual references and descriptions, drug and alcohol use and abuse, references to or descriptions of mental illness, self-harm or self-injurious behaviour, and references to or discussions of suicide.
~Thirty-Four~
After listening to his phone buzzing against the hotel mattress behind him for what felt like a solid two or three minutes, Cloud finally gave in and turned himself over in the bed to see who was calling. It was Reno.
"What?" he said into the phone with his eyes closed once more.
"Well hello to you too," Reno said back sharply. "You sound grumpy as hell," he commented.
"What do you want, Reno?" Cloud asked groggily after sighing into the phone. It felt like days since he'd heard his own voice when he spoke. Maybe it had been.
"Geeze, be more bitchy. Where you at right now in the 'non?" Reno asked him.
"What?" Cloud responded in confusion.
"I'm in your proximity, yo," Reno told him and instantly he was becoming more alert.
"You're in Junon?" he asked as he finally opened his eyes again.
"Yeah, man," Reno confirmed. "Gonna be catching up with Rude later, but I thought I'd see how your scrawny ass is holding up," he explained.
"What time is it?" Cloud asked.
"Uh, ten-thirtyish," Reno said.
"In the morning?" was Cloud's reply.
"Yeah dumbass," Reno confirmed, "and I'm starving. Come meet me for some brunch action."
Cloud shook his head to that and struggled to come up with an excuse to avoid seeing him. "I…can't. I already left Junon," he tried to claim and Reno snorted.
Before Zack had left for Costa del Sol, Reno had badgered him through text message into telling him where Cloud was and he'd told him. Zack said he had no reason to think he'd gone anywhere else since.
"You know I'm obviously going to call bullshit on that," the ex-Turk replied quickly. "And you know why," he added, "because you're a crappy liar, baby boy."
Cloud mouthed the words at the same time, knowing that's what was coming, having heard Reno say that to him probably over two dozen times. He rolled himself onto his back and shut his eyes again.
"I'm busy," he said.
"What could you possibly be busy doing in a city you don't live in where you don't know anyone?" Reno replied sharply. "Lying around watching porn in some cheap motel room?"
"Yup. That's what," Cloud agreed through a yawn as he draped his free arm over his eyes. He had the curtains drawn in the room so the light was pretty dim already, still his eyes felt sore somehow.
"Dude, I haven't seen you in weeks and I just travelled a hella long way. Get your weak ass up and meet me for some grub," Reno ordered him. "Unless you somehow packed on twenty pounds from diner food while on the road, I know your skinny post-coma pre-teen bod needs it and one hour out of your porn-viewing isn't going to kill you."
Cloud sighed in annoyance. He really didn't want to see Reno. He also really didn't want to have to get up and physically go anywhere. If he was going to be leaving his hotel room he was going to have to shower. That simple task alone felt like a mountain to climb.
"Come on," Reno pleaded. "I miss your moody friggin' face." With Cloud not responding he warned, "I'll keep calling and texting until you agree."
"Then I'll block your number," Cloud told him.
"You'd block me? The best roommate you've ever had?" Reno said back. "Then I'll detective the shit out of this place until I find you," he included upon Cloud's continued silence.
Cloud knew if he didn't give in to what Reno wanted and go see him that the guy wasn't going to leave him alone. He obviously had a purpose in travelling out there from Midgar. If that purpose was what he thought it was, he knew Reno wasn't going to let him have his way.
"Come on, stop playing hard to get," Reno said.
"Fine, whatever," he responded through a huffed exhale.
"You're gonna come meet me?" Reno asked for confirmation.
"Seems like it. Text me where," Cloud told him dully.
"Will do," Reno replied. "Eleven work for you?"
"Not really," Cloud said.
"Eleven it is!"
000
Although Cloud had agreed on the phone to meet with him, Reno wasn't really sure he'd show up. He definitely didn't sound like he was up for the visit. Cloud's tone wasn't what he'd expected though. He'd sounded more irritated or annoyed than he'd anticipated. Zack had said the reason Cloud didn't want to come back to Midgar was because of stress, but there had to be more to it than that. Something must have happened while he was away on his trip. Whatever the reason, he thought maybe there was a chance he could talk some sense into him. Zack couldn't make the trip himself and hadn't seemed to have told anyone else of Cloud's decision not to return home so that sort of left it up to him, he felt anyway.
Pretty quickly after announcing he was returning to Costa del Sol for more treatment, Zack was leaving Midgar on a plane accompanied by his parole officer. With Fair gone, Reno made the decision to grab a train ride to Junon to see for himself what Cloud's problem was, if he could even get him to talk about it.
It was nearly half past eleven by the time Cloud did actually show up to the restaurant he'd asked to meet at. By then he was pretty convinced he was going to be stood up. When he spotted Cloud at the entrance to the relatively busy lunch joint he waved him over to the booth near the back where he was sitting.
"Man," Reno said when Cloud sat down across from him, keeping his hands in the pockets of his jacket as he did so, "you look worse than you sound on the phone," he remarked. "Even with the worst hangover I ever had in my life I don't think I felt like you look," he joked.
Cloud ignored the comment, wanting to get down to what felt like business. "What are you doing here?" he asked.
"Uh, what are you doing here?" Reno threw back fast.
Before Cloud to answer, a server was at the table asking him if he wanted something to drink. He asked for a black coffee and once she was headed away from the table again he finally replied with his own question.
"Did Zack send you out here to talk to me or something?" he asked, his tone accusatory.
"Uh, no," Reno denied. "I don't take orders from Pretty Boy. I am capable of making my own decisions, you know," he added before gulping down some soda he ordered before Cloud joined him.
"Since when?" Cloud retorted. "Haven't you spent your whole adult life taking orders?"
"Whoa," Reno said fast, "You don't gotta be so catty."
"Pretty sure that's just facts," Cloud argued.
"No, Fair didn't ask me to come all the way out here to talk to your whiny bitch face," Reno assured him. "He did tell me that you decided you're too good for all of us back in Midgar."
The server returned to the table with Cloud's coffee and asked if they were ready to order. Reno asked her to give them a few more minutes. Cloud hadn't even looked at the menu in front of him.
"What? Got nothing to say to that?" Reno asked him when he didn't respond, choosing instead to take a small sip of the coffee he'd asked for.
"I'm doubting those were his words," he answered finally.
"Yeah, not exactly," Reno agreed. He got a little more serious then. "But you did tell him you're not coming back to Midgar, right?" he said and Cloud nodded without really looking at him.
"Did he only tell you?" Cloud couldn't help but ask out of curiosity. He hadn't gotten any texts or calls from anyone else about it so he assumed Zack had stayed pretty quiet about their last conversation.
Reno shrugged lightly. "I think so. Maybe he's told Six and the guy just hasn't said anything. Doubt he's told the girls. Lockhart would have been blowing up."
Cloud nodded a little once more to that and looked down at the menu on the table in front of him, reading the words but not really even thinking about he was reading. He could care less about what he ate.
"Well?" Reno said after a few seconds of silence between them.
"Well what?" Cloud asked back.
"This is the part where you say why," Reno pointed out.
"Is it?" Cloud challenged. When he looked up at Reno he could see he was really expecting some kind of explanation. "What'd Zack say about it?" he inquired. His heart was pounding a little harder as he wondered if Reno knew about Hojo's baby project. While the news of the project hadn't been the sole reason he'd decided he didn't want to go back to Midgar, it did feel like something of a last straw.
"Dick all," Reno answered bluntly. "Just some crap about Midgar being too stressful of an environment," Reno told him with clear doubt.
"What? You don't think the place is a stressful environment?" Cloud questioned.
"Well yeah," Reno agreed and then paused. "But that's not really why, is it?" he asked.
"Is that not good enough?" Cloud said back simply and Reno scoffed.
"I think that's a lame excuse," Reno replied fast. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"I hate it there, Reno," Cloud said and the guy rolled his eyes.
"Everyone hates it there. It's like living in a smelly, polluted tin can," he said. "So what? It's still home."
.
"It's not," Cloud argued. "That place isn't home to me," he told Reno what he'd already told Zack. "It's just a constant reminder of what I don't want to think about."
Reno waved off his explanation, literally. "Oh and what, being here or anywhere else means you don't think about any of it?" he threw back at Cloud, who didn't attempt to respond and defend himself. Reno exhaled deeply and with a softer tone again he asked, "What about your fan club?"
Cloud assumed he meant the people who cared about him. Sighing with impatience, he said, "What about it?"
Reno looked at him with confusion. "Wow, don't think I ever saw you as the ungrateful type," he remarked. There were a lot of people out there who didn't have half as many people who cared about them as Cloud did.
Cloud stood up then, ready to leave without saying anything else. Zack had called him selfish. Reno was calling him ungrateful. Maybe that's exactly what he was. If that was true then he really didn't need to keep sitting with Reno having a conversation he didn't want to have. He should just do what he wants because apparently that's the type of person he was.
"Oh come on!" Reno spoke up fast. "Will you wait?" he pleaded then. Cloud looked at him where he'd stood up next to the table as well and Reno motioned for him to sit back down. "Sorry, alright," he said. "I know you aren't ungrateful."
Slowly, Cloud sat back down and Reno did the same.
"God, you're such a princess," Reno remarked sarcastically.
Although he hadn't walked out, Cloud felt done with the conversation. He sat then with his hands in his pockets, looking down at the table, waiting for Reno to say whatever else he felt he needed to.
"Look," Reno said, "obviously you're having some kind of internal crisis or something that you're trying to sort out but whatever it is, you need to come back and deal with it at your not home. Fair needs you there, man."
The statement had Cloud raising his eyes again in question. Reno went on to explain without being asked for the details.
"That loser, Kunsel, bailed on him with a bunch of money he stole from Six."
"What?" Cloud said with surprise. He would never have guessed that was the revelation that was coming.
Nodding, Reno went on, "Yeah, and after Aerith leaving him, he— "
"What?" Cloud repeated, cutting him off. "What are you talking about?" he asked, confused.
"Didn't Fair tell you?" Reno asked and Cloud shook his head a little. "She's gone. Headed out on some health and wellness retreat or something in the south," he explained.
Cloud felt a little bit of instant relief at the clarification. "That's not the same as leaving him," he pointed out.
"Really?" Reno said back, obviously in disagreement.
It was a lot to take in and although he felt really terrible for Zack, Cloud wasn't sure it made a difference.
"Well, if they left, how am I supposed to help?" he asked Reno. "I can't help anyone, I can't help myself," he added.
Reno scoffed at him loudly like he was being ridiculous. "Oh, gimme a break!" he exclaimed and Cloud exhaled with frustration. "Okay, I get that your life's been a shit show and horror plot of epic proportions," Reno began to lecture, "and you've lived through a hell most people couldn't imagine, I know, don't get me wrong, but can't help yourself? You're doing major sabotage to yourself, dude!"
Cloud shook his head in disagreement as he stared him down.
"I'm serious, man," Reno went on. "This running away scared and isolating yourself from everyone you know—"
"Running away scared?" Cloud cut him off fast. "I didn't run away and being scared had nothing to do with why I left," he argued, denying the accusation.
"Oh, so it's just why you won't come back then," Reno said to that. "And why you won't just let go and allow yourself to be happy, or hell, even just okay," he added.
"You're wrong," Cloud told him in a quiet tone without looking at him. The volume didn't reflect the irritation and building anger he actually felt.
"Well that's what it looks like," Reno said with a casual shrug. "You think it's gonna be better or easier or something if you just keep moving? If you go on alone with nothing and no one to keep your shit together for? That there's no point in accepting the good things this effed up universe offers in case it decides to take them away? Yeah you got tons of uniquely messed-up baggage but you're scared of a lot of the same crap everyone is. You can't control that shit, man."
Feeling hot all of a sudden, Cloud found himself unzipping his jacket as he sat back again in the booth. The server was back then and immediately sensed the tension.
"Why don't you just wave me over when you're ready?" she suggested and Reno agreed and thanked her.
Alone again, Reno waited for Cloud to say something. To insult him or tell him to screw off. He didn't get any of that. Cloud was quiet. He looked defeated and tired. The ex-Turk picked up his phone from the table and tapped at the screen a few times.
"Here, why don't you take a look at this," he said before sliding the phone across the table towards Cloud.
Cloud looked down at what was on the screen without touching it.
"Someone else you know is in town for a few days," Reno said.
At first, he wasn't sure what the hell it was Reno was talking about. He saw an event page up from a social media site advertising a motorsports expo. Reno had scrolled to the exhibitors section before passing the phone over to him. When he scanned over the words on the screen, one of the exhibitors stood out. WhipCat. In small lettering under that he saw Marco's name.
Cloud looked up from the phone at Reno and the smug and entertained looking expression he was wearing.
"What are you, stalking him?" he asked as he slid the phone back across the table.
"No," Reno denied. He picked up his phone in his hand. "I do kinda like the guy though. I know it was a breath of friggin' fresh air seeing you a little less goddamn tense when he was around," he commented dryly. "You know, you were actually something in the realm of happy for a few days there…" he pointed out.
Cloud said nothing. He was back to looking away from him, back to looking like he just wanted to leave.
"You could just go talk to him. Say what's up," Reno suggested and Cloud shook his head at Reno's words. "Come on why not?" Reno asked.
"Because I don't want to," Cloud replied more forcefully than he probably needed to. It seemed to surprise Reno a little. "I just…" he started to say in a flatter tone again. "This conversation's done," he decided then. "I'm really not hungry. I'd say it was nice seeing you, but it wasn't. Have a fun time catching up with Rude." He started to slide himself back out of the booth seat to leave, this time for real and Reno stopped him again.
"Okay, fine, but Strife," he said, making Cloud pause. "I'm not kidding about Fair. He's had your back forever and even if he seems fine, I think he needs you, regardless of whatever's going on in your head, or whatever you think about yourself or anyone else."
Cloud didn't know what to say to that. As much as Reno was hoping the declaration would move Cloud to immediately change his mind about not returning to Midgar, he could see that wasn't the case. He looked down a second before proceeding to tell Cloud the thing he wasn't sure Zack wanted him to know or not.
"He's gone back to the facility in Costa del Sol for a bit," he said and the news did get a visible reaction from Cloud as his brow furrowed and he lowered his head a little. There was a clear air of concern coming off him then and something else, like guilt perhaps.
"I just think, you know, maybe it'd be good if when he gets back one of the two people he clearly cares the most about is there," Reno said. Upon Cloud's continued silence and now an awkward feeling that he may have just added more weight to what Cloud felt he was being crushed under already, he decided to just let him go because it seemed that's what he really wanted to do.
"Just think about it for a few days or whatever," was his quiet request.
Cloud gave a slight nod to that. "Fine," he agreed before taking his hand from his one pocket. He had some coins in it that he looked down at before dropping a few to the table to pay for the coffee he'd barely had two sips out of. "Later, Reno," he said in farewell then.
"Later," Reno said in return. He watched after Cloud until he was gone from his view.
The information Cloud had received about Zack going back to Costa del Sol for more treatment worried him and while maybe he wasn't the reason behind Zack's decision, Zack had told him once before not to shut him out again unless he wanted to see him lose his mind. He hadn't really taken the comment seriously at the time. It was hard to accept someone caring that much about him and relying on him for some kind of stability when he felt so weak all the time. It was also a lot of pressure.
While walking to the bus stop, he tried to call Zack and the call immediately went to his voicemail. He tried texting but the messages went unanswered. He was hoping he'd hear back from him at some point in the afternoon but when evening approached and darkness finally fell he gave in and decided to leave an actual voice message, only he wasn't really sure what to say.
"Hey, it's me," was what he began with after he was prompted by the voicemail recording beep. "I saw Reno today in Junon. He told me you went back to Costa del Sol."
He looked around his room a little with his eyes as he thought about what he should say next.
"He, uh, told me about Aerith and Kunsel leaving. I'm really sorry about that. I'm sorry, too, about not answering your calls the last few days. I, um…I just couldn't. I don't really know why. Doing anything at all right now just seems…a million times harder than it should be. Just getting up. It's just…hard."
He felt himself tearing up as he was speaking quietly into the phone.
"I don't want you to feel like I'm mad at you or abandoning you, I-I'm not mad at you. I just think…there's something really wrong with me and it really feels like nothing and no one can fix that. And, I don't think the kind of person I am now is the kind of person who should be a part of anyone else's life."
He took a deep breath then to try and steady his voice that was beginning to shake. He wiped at the tears that were trailing the skin of his face.
"It kind of feels like there's only one place I should really be right now, and I wish it was in Midgar with you and the others…but it's not. I…I'm really sorry, Zack. For so much. I think your life's been harder because of me. I think Kunsel probably saw that from the beginning. I think you'd see that too if you let yourself. I—"
He found himself being cut off then by another bleep indicating he'd run out of time to record anymore of the message. He decided it was probably for the best. Nothing else he was going to say was going to sound any better or even slightly reassuring for Zack. He'd given him the truth but he knew there wasn't going to be any comfort in it. He really didn't think he was the person to help Zack. Zack wanted him to be okay and he just…wasn't.
He didn't know if he was going to hear back from Zack that night. He almost hoped not, but it also occurred to him that the reason Zack might not have responded was because he didn't have his phone on him. Maybe he didn't have access to it at the facility. Again…probably for the best.
While he really had no intention of letting anything Reno said really sink in to him, he did find himself thinking about some of their short conversation. After days of sleeping irregular hours at different times of the day and night, he found himself awake after midnight, clicking through channels on the television looking for something to zone out watching. He landed on a movie that he recognized because he had seen it not so long ago, in Marco's hotel suite in Midgar.
It felt like some kind of joke from the universe after Reno had brought up Marco earlier. Out of curiosity, he tried searching on his phone for the motorsports expo event page just to see what it was about. He hadn't raced in what felt like forever. It was starting to feel like just some dream he'd had at one point that he'd woken up from.
When he found the event page he could see that it was being held at the fairgrounds, wherever that was. On the other side of the city by the looks of it. That day had been the first day but it was running for the next few. There were some races that were going to be held. It sort of had him interested but he reminded himself there wouldn't really be a point in watching any.
As the night dragged on, he found his thoughts shifting and they had him migrating to the WhipCat website. That eventually led him to a social media page that was supposedly a personal page for Marco. There were photos, a few of him and other people, his family members and friends presumably, but there were many that were either motorsport or travel related. He'd been all over it looked like.
During the short amount of time he'd spent with him, he'd always had in the back of his mind that the guy had to be hiding something, or hiding who he really was. That there had to be some dark secret there or something to be afraid of. But nothing he found while searching seemed to support or justify his fear. Everything he saw seemed to prove what he'd had a hard time accepting, that Marco was exactly the way he seemed and that he was nice and normal and really seemed to enjoy his life.
Although he already regretted what he'd done the last time he'd seen Marco, somehow he felt even worse about his actions after scrolling through the parts of the guy's personal life he'd decided to share publically.
He fell asleep wrapped in his own guilt as usual, but when he woke up he did feel a little different than he had in the days before. Reno was right. Junon was no different than anywhere else. Really, there was nowhere in the world that would help him not think about his past or make it any easier to cope with all the thoughts and feelings he had. He was always going to think about the things he didn't want to think about. That didn't mean he would change his mind about not returning to Midgar, but he knew he didn't want to say in Junon any longer.
He still felt pulled toward the only place he felt deserved the title of 'home,' even if living there hadn't been easy either. Nibelheim just seemed to be calling him back. He didn't know what he'd do when he was back there, but he wanted to stand in the place he felt closest to the only blood family that he'd ever had. He wanted to be near to his mother even if it was just for a few minutes.
When he'd fallen asleep, he'd still been scrolling through Marco's social media profile. It was the first thing he saw when he woke his phone up. He thought about how close Marco was, just across town. He didn't want to feel what he felt but he knew that what he wanted was to see him, to just apologize to him. There'd been many times he'd thought about texting him an apology but told himself he'd never see him again so it didn't matter. But he was here now…in Junon. Didn't he at least owe him something of an explanation? He felt like he did. Maybe it would be good to have just one less thing to regret.
It was early afternoon when he checked out of the hotel room he'd been holed up in for days and transited over to the fairgrounds. He was planning to head from there straight over to Rand's building where his bike was hopefully still parked safely. He hated that he was going to have to do it, but he was going to have to face Rand one last time when he went up to his apartment to get his keys he knew he must have left there. He hoped the man would be there and that it would be a quick few minutes before he was on the road and out of Junon.
When he arrived at the fairgrounds and paid the admission at the gate, he was given a map that he used to find where the WhipCat table was amongst the exhibitors. He did find himself getting distracted a few times by all of the bikes and sports cars on display. He felt like parts of his brain were firing up for the first time in weeks when he looked at them. Apparently he could still experience excitement to some degree. That excitement turned quickly to nervousness when he was getting close to where Marco supposedly was.
The WhipCatbanner caught his eye first before he finally caught sight of him standing behind a table with another guy, both of them wearing t-shirts bearing their company logo. There were a couple of people standing at the table talking to them. For a minute Cloud just stood with his hands in his pockets and watched Marco as people of the guest crowd were moving about, weaving back and forth across his line of sight. Marco looked good. He didn't know why but for some reason he expected him to look different than he remembered.
After a moment, he actually felt like he was losing his nerve, and he shook his head, telling himself the reason he was there was stupid and Marco probably hadn't thought of him at all since Midgar. Apologizing made no sense. He was about to turn around then and head back the way he'd come when he could see at the same time Marco's eyes in his direction. He seemed to do a bit of a double take then as he was still engaged in conversation with one of the people standing ahead of him.
Cloud could tell when the guy's brain must have registered that he was there. He could see it in his expression though it was hard to describe. It seemed then like he was finishing up talking to the people who'd been visiting the table. They moved along then and a moment later his colleague manning the table with him left as well, maybe to take a break.
Marco looked right at him then and smiled brightly. Cloud moved toward him slowly. He felt suddenly relieved after seeing Marco's expression and that the guy wasn't immediately trying to avoid him. He was still nervous to actually exchange words with him, however.
"Hey," Marco greeted him when he stepped out from behind the table to meet him.
"Hey," Cloud replied back softly, his hands sweating a little inside the pockets of his coat. "Didn't really expect you to be smiling at seeing me given how things ended in Midgar," he said a little awkwardly.
Marco gave a short nod in acknowledgment, smirking uneasily. "Well, uh, I'm really happy to see you, regardless of that," the guy told him. "What are you doing all the way out here?" he asked then. "You here for the expo?"
Cloud shook his head a little. "No, I uh, I've been on kind of a road trip. I just happened to see that you were going to be here so I just thought…"
He had a hard time finishing the explanation.
Marco seemed almost surprised. He smiled again and looked down briefly before saying, "You stopped by just to see me?"
"Yeah," Cloud confirmed. "I, um, needed to apologize to you. I shouldn't have gone off on you like I did back in Midgar and I shouldn't have hit you."
The guy's expression neutralized under the mention of it.
"That was definitely a little unexpected," he said, though his tone suggested he was trying to take it pretty lightly, or to downplay the seriousness of it. "I just figure I sort of deserved it for trying to stop you from leaving. Wasn't really my right to try and keep you there," he claimed.
"Yeah," Cloud said in uneasy agreement, "but I still had no right to do what I did," he stated surely.
"Well," Marco said with a bit of a shrug. "I forgive you," he told Cloud through what seemed like a nervous grin then. Cloud just nodded and for a second Marco looked down, fidgeting a little with a stack of brochures he had in his hands, seeming like he was trying to decide what he should say next.
"You know," Cloud said before he was able to come up with something, "that thing you said, about me starting things and then acting really messed up when things are physical—"
"I didn't really mean that," Marco said, interrupting him gently. "I tried to call and apologize for that but—"
"Yeah, no, I blocked your number," Cloud said, stopping him. "But, you were right," he admitted. He was met with concern or apprehension in Marco's eyes that he tried not to get distracted by. He didn't want to lose the confidence to say what he wanted to. "And there's a reason for…the way I am," he continued, shifting his eyes from Marco's to a random place behind him a few times as he spoke, again not trying to get caught up in what his reaction was.
"There's things that you don't know that are probably responsible for that," he revealed slowly. "I went through...some stuff. Stuff that I wasn't ready to talk about and if I'm not willing to do that then I shouldn't be getting involved with people, or relationships or…whatever. I wasn't ready and that's not on you, it's on me," he explained.
He was faced then with a sort of sad but understanding expression from Marco that made him feel like he could start crying if he let it happen. He took a breath and let it out deeply.
"Cloud, is my name," he revealed then as he looked down, the words coming out without him even thinking about it, "not Spike, though I do have friends who call me that." He was shocked by his own sudden decision to tell him his real name. When he looked up again to see what Marco's reaction was the guy was smirking.
"That's so...appropriately adorable," he said.
"Yeah, sure," Cloud replied a little flatly. "My last name's Strife," he said, and he'd been anticipating a different reaction than the one he got. Marco's expression didn't really change. He just nodded, still with a small smile. "Does that sound...familiar at all?" he asked.
"I don't...think so," Marco responded slowly with curiosity. "Are you famous? Was I with a celebrity the whole time and had no idea?" he asked.
"I guess, in a way," Cloud told him, the confirmation then making the guy visibly confused. "I was in the news a lot about a year ago," he said uneasily. "But I guess you're not one for the news," he added when Marco just shook his head slowly. He scoffed lightly as he leaned back against the table behind him, setting down the stack of brochures he'd been holding onto. He crossed his arms casually before shrugging.
"Unless it's business or stock related, yeah, I can be pretty out of touch with current events," he said. "The news always just depresses me. Figure I already know how bad the world sucks. Don't want to be reminded of it when sitting down to dinner after a long day of work," he explained.
Cloud supposed it was kind of a relief that Marco didn't seem to have any prior knowledge of what had been in the media surrounding him and Zack and Shinra. It didn't really change anything though. The moment he became aware, that would probably have a pretty big impact on him.
"Well, uh, if you look up my name that'll probably...explain some things," Cloud said before shrugging. "Anyway that's all I came by to really say. Just that I'm sorry."
He started to turn to head away then, having said all he'd needed to. Marco quickly spoke up, making him pause.
"Well hey, you want to get some dinner when I'm done here?" he asked. "Talk for awhile?"
The offer surprised Cloud a little. He couldn't see why Marco would want to spend more time with him after the way he'd treated him previously, and knowing he obviously had issues. The guy was clearly oblivious to how truly screwed up he really was.
He shook his head slowly as he answered. "I'm on my way out of town," he found himself saying.
It was pretty much true but also sounded less harsh than simply saying 'no.' There was no reason for them to spend any more time together than they had already. He'd done what he needed to with apologizing and letting the guy know that nothing he said or did was to blame for how he'd acted in Midgar. He wasn't looking for anything else.
Marco seemed to accept the rejection of his invitation at first but before Cloud could fully turn away again he was speaking up. "You can't wait just a little longer to leave? Or…one night?" he asked.
"Yeah, technically," Cloud replied. "But you're only asking that because you don't know me. Look my name up online, it'll probably make you change your mind," he concluded.
With Marco seemingly silenced by his response, he turned away again to leave. A hand gently taking his upper arm to stop him again had him turning back yet again. Marco let go of his arm as he faced him once more.
"Well, can't you just tell me about it instead?" he asked softly as he stood closely in front of him. He smiled a little as he said, "Whatever happened, I don't need to read about it in some news article. I'd rather hear it from you. Whatever you want to share, however you want to share it."
Taken off-guard by his response and unsure of what to say, Cloud just looked back at him, studying him to decide how sincere he seemed. He really seemed to mean what he was saying, but it didn't make sense. Was he not curious now? Was he really not tempted to see what was written about him? Was he really content to just mind his own business and only take what he was offered?
"I don't know..." Cloud spoke finally as he looked down once more. "I don't think I'm ready for that," he told him truthfully.
"So then we just hang out," Marco suggested, pulling Cloud's uneasy gaze back to him. "I missed spending time with you," he said. "Talking to you. I think about you every day, you know," he confessed, making Cloud smile just barely, though he felt unsure, not knowing what he should do. He actually was scared, just like Reno pointed out he supposed.
"Don't you ever think about me?" Marco asked him. "Just a little bit?" he spoke teasingly.
"Sometimes. A little," Cloud agreed though it had certainly been more than that.
That made Marco smile brighter again. "Yeah? So can I see you later then, Cloud Strife?" he prodded.
Cloud looked past him a second, shaking his head. The guy must have been crazy, or he really truly liked him. He knew which is was, it was just hard to understand and accept.
"I uh," he started to try and tell him no again but for whatever reason he was giving in and asking through a light sigh of surrender, "Where, what time?"
"Eight-thirty?" Marco suggested. "It's a little late but it's when I finish here. I know a good place. I can pick you up," he offered.
"Um, just text me the address. I'll meet you," he said.
He'd already checked out of the hotel he'd been staying in. He supposed he could have had Marco pick him up anywhere, or could have just met him back there at the fairgrounds but he did still want to go get his keys like he planned. He didn't want to put it off any longer and he'd feel better with his belongings back in his possession. Since he'd presumably have his bike back, he could just drive himself over to wherever Marco wanted to meet.
"Sure," Marco agreed. "You have to unblock my number though," he reminded him.
"Yeah, I did already," Cloud said back.
Marco gave him another warm smile. "Later then," he said and Cloud nodded a little before turning away from him to let him get back to work.
He did glance back once to look at Marco briefly for a final moment before making his way through the crowd back out to the entrance gate. He couldn't stop himself from smiling a little, even if he still had that unsure feeling about spending more time with him. He really didn't know how that dinner with him would go or what they'd talk about. He was serious about not being ready to talk to him about who he really was and what he'd been through.
There were questions racing through his mind then and not just questions about how the dinner would go. Really, he was questioning himself about what accepting going to dinner with him really meant, or if it meant anything at all. What was going to happen after that? He'd only just spent a few minutes with the guy and already the world felt different again somehow.
His decision not to go back to Midgar when he knew Zack was probably feeling more alone than ever felt different too. He'd told himself that the best thing for everyone was for him and his problems to stay away, but nothing had seemed to get better in Midgar since he'd left. Just the opposite. Even if he believed Zack or Tifa or anyone else was better off, would they actually ever feel that way?
He'd started out the day without any hope for himself and with no expectations or hopes for any kind of future and then just like that, when he looked ahead there seemed like just a little bit of light was visible again. More road past what had only appeared like a dead end. He felt almost a little bit…relaxed, and he was forced to acknowledge then the impact Reno's visit had had. The annoying jerk had helped him whether he liked it or not.
It was clear to him then. He could put off Nibelheim a little longer. He could put off searching for Angeal, but putting off Zack? It felt wrong, even if he didn't think he could be much help to him. Costa del Sol was on the opposite coast from Junon. There were direct flights between the two places. Maybe he wasn't ready to go back to Midgar yet, but that didn't mean he couldn't see Zack…
The sudden lessening of tension he'd been harbouring in what felt like every molecule of his body for days had him feeling tired. He always felt tired, but it was different. He could have gone for a peaceful hours-long nap but when the bus he was on was nearing the stop closest to Rand's building, he got a surge of anxious energy. He really didn't want to have to see him or talk to him again. He'd really tried to put out of his mind any of the conversation they'd had the last time he was there and the guilt that he felt for having opened up to him about things that if he had been sober he wouldn't have.
Please be here so I can get this over with, he spoke in his own head. He used the intercom outside the building to call up to Rand's apartment. It took almost a full minute before the call was acknowledged and Cloud was given confirmation the man was at home as he'd hoped.
"Yes?" he heard Rand's voice coming at him through the nearby speaker.
"It's Cloud," he replied and there was a brief moment of silence before he heard a click at the door next to him and a buzzing sound from the lock being disengaged. He took hold of the door handle and pulled it open.
He was sweating a little again when he was in the elevator heading up to the man's floor and he felt like he had to pep-talk himself into actually following through with why he'd gone there, rather than just ditching his bike and all his belongings.
Just ask for the keys and that's it, he told himself. You don't have to talk to him. You don't have to talk about the other night. You don't have to say anything really—and don't let him talk all his bullshit either. Keys and leave.
He took a breath just outside the man's door before knocking. A moment later the door was being unlocked and opened. Rand actually looked the most like himself or like the man that he remembered from Gongaga and Midgar that he'd seen post-captivity. He'd cleaned up the light facial hair he had. He'd gotten a haircut it looked like. He was wearing clothes that seemed presentable enough to be in public wearing. And then there was the cologne. The scent that was forever connected to the man in Cloud's mind. One which instantly found him in the midst of a tidal wave of memories he didn't want to revisit.
"Where've you been? I was concerned something happened to you," Rand said first.
Rand being concerned was really the last thing Cloud cared about at that point. He could have told him as much but he felt frozen somehow, by the experience of that scent and what it ignited in his mind.
"I'm fine," was all he said. "I left my keys here," he told the man then.
Rand shook his head a little. "No, I don't think you left anything," he said in return.
"This is where I had them last," Cloud said surely. His tone was sharper as he finally broke free of what had felt like some kind of momentary trance.
"Did you want to have a look?" the man offered and reluctantly he accepted, entering Rand's apartment so he could do a quick search around. He headed immediately for the living room area where he'd been sitting when he was last there, hoping the keys would just be lost in the couch somewhere. "Where did you go when you left?" Rand asked him.
"It doesn't matter," Cloud snapped at him a little. He was trying not to look at him if he could help it.
"You were so distraught when you were here, I was worried that with some of the things you said—" the man tried to talk to him and he shut him down quickly.
"I don't wanna talk about the other night," he told Rand firmly while shoving his hand down between two of the couch cushions.
"Okay," Rand spoke with acceptance. "I'm glad you're alright," he said. "Are you…leaving Junon now?" he inquired.
"Yeah," was Cloud's quick confirmation. He only glanced up at Rand when he said it. He saw the man nod a little but didn't try to think about what his expression was.
"Well I'll go check in the spare room. Maybe the keys are in there somewhere," he suggested.
Cloud was grateful to have the man out of the direct vicinity and he tried not to think about anything other than just finding his keys and getting the hell out of the man's building and away from him, hopefully forever. After looking under all the cushions however, he was still empty-handed and a quick check under the couch brought up nothing. He stood for a moment just scanning the room with his eyes and some movement caught his attention back at the entry to the unit as the door that had been sitting slightly ajar was being pushed open.
"Reed?" a voice said from just outside the door in the hallway. Cloud watched as a middle-aged man poked his head in past the door. "Oh, I'm sorry," the man said when he saw him standing there. "Just looking for Reed," he said.
Reed? Cloud questioned to himself. Was that the name Rand had been using?
"My father lives in the building and gets some of Reed's mail every so often. The mail carrier gets the unit numbers mixed up sometimes," the man explained through a chuckle.
With the door mostly open then, the man reached the mail out in his direction, clearly wanting him to take it from him. Cloud glanced toward the hallway that led to the bedrooms before releasing a bit of a huffed exhale as he headed to the door to take the mail. He didn't say anything as he accepted it and turned immediately, assuming that would be the end of the awkward exchange.
"Oh hey," the man said to him, getting his attention back. "Are you the cousin?" he asked.
"Hm?" was Cloud's confused response.
"You've got the little guy right?" the man questioned.
"What?" he asked back, turning his body a little more to look at the man. He had no idea what the guy was talking about. He obviously had him confused with someone, that much was clear.
"The little guy," the son of Rand's neighbour repeated. "The baby boy. Reed was sitting for him when I was by last with some more misplaced mail. Said he was his cousin's. He was kind of a spitting image of you, I just assumed…"
The words Cloud was hearing were sinking into him and materializing into a realization that had him feeling like his stomach was at his feet and his heart in his throat. It couldn't be…
"Are you okay?" the man asked him and although his eyes were still planted on the space the man inhabited, he wasn't really focused on him. He had to blink a few times to make himself see him again.
"When?" was the only word he seemed to be able to get out then.
"When?" the man repeated. "Uh, not so long ago. Might have been a few months back now I suppose," he answered after some brief thought.
Stunned into silence and overwhelmed with a sudden rushing of questions running through his mind, Cloud looked away from the man down at the floor as he was trying to make sense of what he'd been told. There'd been a baby boy in the apartment. Rand's apartment. A child that apparently looked like him. There was only one conclusion he knew that made sense and explained it all but that meant only one truly terrible thing. Rand had in fact known about Hojo's side project. He'd known about his son. He'd had contact with him. His child had been in that very place he was standing, and not so long ago. But Tseng had said he'd passed away. Was it really true? If so, was Rand responsible or had he just been there when it happened?
"Well, I better get back to my father," the man in front of him told him. He barely heard him. "Tell Reed I said hi."
With that, the man was pulling the apartment door closed and Cloud was left staring at the flat surface of it while he felt like all the blood in his body was vibrating under his skin and his pulse was beginning to pound hard in his head. The envelopes he had in his one hand slipped through his fingers to the floor and suddenly he was very aware of how hard he was breathing.
"Cloud," Rand's voice cut through the thick silence that existed outside the space his breath filled.
Hearing the man's voice ignited an instant anger in him and he was quickly trembling from it.
"You liar," Cloud responded with his back to the man. He was still facing the door in front of him.
Over the pounding of his pulse he could hear his own voice telling him to get out of the apartment. To open the door that was within his reach and get out as quickly as he could, but the anger and the need to know what Rand had done with his son was overpowering.
"Cloud, turn around," Rand ordered. His tone was firm but his voice was a little unsteady.
He did turn around then, ready to launch into a full verbal attack on the man, and a physical one if it came to it. In an instant though, it was like the whole world came to a jarring stop. His anger split to allow a trickling of something else through. Icy cold, gut twisting, dread.
Across the room that was rapidly shrinking in size, Rand had a gun in his hand and it was pointed in his direction.
His ears were ringing suddenly and though he could no longer hear the sound of his own breathing, he did hear the man's next words.
"Get away from the door."