Book Club: How The King of Elfhame Learned to Hate Stories

Prompts:

(word) dramatic

Word Count: 1650

Professor McGonagall entered the Gryffindor Common Room in search of James. She needed to speak to him about the upcoming match against Slytherin, but when she walked through the portrait hole, she heard the loud cheers and hollers. Minerva looked around and found the entire Gryffindor house gathered inside. They were all facing the fireplace, and Minerva stood up on her tiptoes to see what was going on.

And all thoughts of the upcoming Quidditch match disappeared from her mind. For in front of her was a sight she had never expected to see.

There were two knights dressed from head to toe in full metal armour. Their faces weren't visible due to the helmets that covered their heads, but Minerva had a feeling she knew who the two boys were. She was about to scold them for stealing the armour from the hallway, but she was interrupted by a feminine cry of terror.

Minerva turned her head to see what the commotion was. She found James dressed in a pink ball-gown with puffy sleeves and a plunging neckline. A translucent veil covering the bottom half of his face. Despite the veil, Minerva could see the perfect winged eyeliner and red lipstick on James' lips.

"Oh, help me, kind knights! Who is't shalt saveth me from the wrath of the f'rocious dragon?" James dramatically placed his hand on his forehead and pretended to swoon. His pink gown billowed around his ankles as he swayed from side to side.

"Roar! Roar! I'm the dragon! I shalt burneth thee all alive!" Peter ran circles around James with a cardboard cutout of a dragon's head taped to his face. It was a poor imitation of a real dragon, but the crowd was eating it up.

Just then, one of the knights hopped onto the couch, pulled out his sword from its sheath, and pointed it at the other knight. "Prepareth to duel me f'r Princess James' lovely handeth, Sir Lupin! I shalt throw up on thy possessions, thee naughty mushrump!"

"Thou dareth to threaten me with thy vile throweth up, Sir Black? Thou has't a plentiful want of wit, thou pigeon-egg!" Remus roared, whipping out his sword and pointing it at Sirius. He hopped onto the table and crouched defensively. "En garde!"

Sirius cackled as they circled each other by hopping from the couch to the table and back again. Sirius swung his sword at Remus, who parried sharply and thrust back at him, pulling off-line at the last moment to slap his cheek with the flat.

"Ye fat-kidneyed rascal!" Sirius almost fell off the table, but he held his sword out to keep Remus at bay. Remus slapped his blade aside and thrust again. Sirius parried and tried to counter-thrust, only for the two of them to meet face to face, arms and swords high.

"Well, 'ello th're, Sir Lupin. Looking mighty lovely the present day as usual," Sirius drawled, and Minerva couldn't help but groan at the not-so-subtle flirting. Still, the crowd continued to cheer.

"Uh, 'ello? Princess in distress h're!" James called out, scowling at the two knights on the table. "Thou art h're to winneth mine own handeth, rememb'r? Th're shall beest enow timeth to shag lat'r."

Remus reacted first, using his hands and sword grip to pry Sirius' sword from his hands, throwing it to the ground with a loud 'Aha!'. Sirius cried out but let go easily. He grabbed Remus by his shoulders and drove his knee up. Remus pivoted just in time, taking the blow to his thigh.

He grabbed Sirius' hands, spun him around, and pinned him against his chest. Sirius struggled, but he could not best the taller boy in a grapple.

"Doth thee accepteth thy defeat, Sir Black?" Remus asked, his voice a little muffled behind his helmet.

"Nev'r!" Suddenly bending down, Sirius flung Remus over his shoulder and off the table. Remus landed on the ground with a loud thud, and before he could react, Sirius let out a loud war cry and jumped on top of him. "I vanquish thee to the und'rw'rld! May thou nev'r returneth from the depths of hell!"

"Nay!" Remus screamed, but Sirius grabbed the sword and plunged it into Remus' chest. Minerva's eyes widened at the sight, and she was about to run forward to stop him, but Remus' next dramatic cries of pain and agony were obviously fake.

Sirius ripped his helmet off his head and stood up, flipping his hair over his shoulder. "I has't hath passed the first obstacle in mine own journey!"

The students immediately clapped and whistled in encouragement, and Sirius took a moment to bow low at the waist for them.

"Defeat the t'rrible dragon and winneth mine own handeth and heart, Sir Black!" James cried, pulling out a pale-pink handkerchief from his shirt and waving it. He balled it up and threw it at Sirius, who caught it and clutched it to his chest.

"Feareth not, lovely maiden, f'r thy courageous knight is h're to rescueth thee!"

Sirius screamed in a high-pitched voice and ran at Peter, who stood his ground and continued to roar. When Sirius' sword slid easily into Peter's chest and he dropped to the ground wailing for mercy, a confused frown appeared on Sirius' face.

"Wherefore wast killing the h'rrifying dragon so easy?" he asked himself, and the students gasped at the obvious twist that was happening.

Minerva, on the other hand, had no idea what was going on, but she was fully invested in the play. She stood there watching with bated breath for Sirius and James to finally unite as one, but then, something else happened.

James began to twirl, and Sirius turned to gape at him. James' eyeliner turned even darker, his red lipstick became black as night, and his pink gown transformed to pitch-black robes instead.

"Thou! But I defeat'd thee in the past! How didst thee get h're?" Sirius cried in horror, and Minerva glanced around at the students, who were wide-eyed with shock and disbelief. Apparently, they knew who James was. Minerva was filled with the urge to ask someone what was happening.

"Aye, tis I, Wudugog, The Wicked Mage of the Night! Princess James is mineth anon! I has't taken ov'r h'r, and the lady shalt anon hark to only mine own hests!" James rubbed his hands, threw his head back and cackled at the top of his lungs.

"Nay! Thee shalt not did hurt the princess, thou lump of foul deformity! I demand you alloweth h'r leaveth!" Sirius cried, lunging at James with his sword, but James' form flickered in and out of focus. The students all gasped along with Sirius. "What s'rt of evil s'rc'ry is this?"

"Thou has't no more brain than a stone! Tis a v'rsion of a Charm," James said with a dark laugh. "Only at which hour our audience finds out which spelleth this is shalt I releaseth the fair maiden! Farewell, Sir Black! Farewell!"

"Nay!" Sirius lunged again, but he was knocked to the ground by James, who disappeared the next second in a puff of grey smoke. "I shalt get thee, Wudugog! And thy damn'd dragon, too!"

Cheers and hollers resonated throughout the common room, and everyone began to clap. Just then, James popped back into view with a huge grin on his face. The four boys joined hands and bowed low at the waist, milking the students' reactions. Minerva couldn't help but wonder how they had managed everything so easily. They must have practised a lot for the scene.

She heard a first-year student say, "I really want to find the spell first this time. What do you think the prize will be?"

"I really hope it's another toilet night light," the other student said with a laugh. "That one was hilarious!"

"Maybe Remus will knit socks with the winner's face on them!"

Minerva did not want to know why they had come up with that particular idea. She shook her head to clear it and walked over to James, who was blowing kisses at Sirius. "Mr Potter?"

James whirled around and grinned. "Oh, hullo, Professor. What brings you here today?"

Minerva had to stop herself from smiling at his innocent tone. "I wanted to talk to you about the match against Slytherin, but I noticed you were… busy."

"Did you see our play, Minnie?" Sirius asked excitedly, throwing his arm around James' shoulders. "What did you think of it?"

"I must say it was... interesting. I didn't understand most of what was going on, but—"

Sirius whistled and called to Remus, "Hey, handsome, could you bring the script for Minnie? Thanks!"

Remus rolled his eyes but Summoned a thick book with a red cover. He handed it to Minerva and said, "We've been putting on the plays since our fourth year, and the plot self-updates in the book. And before you say that it's a waste of time, I can assure you that it's not. Yes, it's supposed to be entertaining, but we always add something for our audience to research."

"Like what you did with the Disillusionment Charm today?" Minerva asked, and James preened with pride.

"Yeah, until someone figures out what spells we used, we'll leave the play at a cliffhanger," Remus said with a grin.

Minerva had to admit it was a genius plan. Dramatic, yes, but genius. She glanced at the book in her hand. "I overheard someone say you give out prizes, too. Is that true?"

Remus nodded, and Sirius piped in, "Yes, this time, we're giving out Shakespearean Insults posters and Cat-Tarot cards sets to the top three winners. Hey, Minnie, if you send us the answer via owl, we'll give you the Cat-Tarot cards! They'll be perfect for you."

Minerva shook her head and declined politely, but she made a note to send in an anonymous letter to the boys later.