possible trigger warning (alcohol)

Chapter Thirty-Five: He Hates Me

"He hates me."

"No, he doesn't."

Sirius groaned loudly and looked at Lily. She smiled sympathetically at him. "You heard him. You heard how he said it. You saw how he looked at me." He stopped walking and leaned forward against the wall. He banged his head against it a few times.

"Stop it," said Lily. "He doesn't hate you."

Sirius turned around and looked morosely at her. "He hates me," he groaned. "He hates me, and he's going to break up with me, and I think I might die."

Lily sighed loudly. "Pull yourself together!"

Sirius just blinked sadly at her.

"He does not hate you! Sure, he's really pissed, but he doesn't hate you." Lily tugged at Sirius's arm. "Let's go. Banging your head against the wall isn't going to do shit."

"You never know," said Sirius thoughtfully. "It might."

Lily groaned and started walking away. Sirius hurried after her. "Fine, fine," he muttered. "I'm coming, I'm coming. Hold your damn horses."

"He definitely hates me," Sirius said a few minutes later.

Lily threw her hands up in the air. "For the love of Merlin!" she exclaimed. "He doesn't fucking hate you!"

"But what if he does," asked Sirius, completely genuine.

"He doesn't."

"He might."

"He won't."

"But Evans," whined Sirius, "there's no way he doesn't hate me! You heard him! Besides, I'd probably hate him if I were in his position."

"No, you wouldn't."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do," she said firmly. "I know how both of you are, and you like each other too much to ever hate each other."

"I guess," conceded Sirius. "I probably wouldn't hate him."

"Exactly," said Lily smugly.

"But that doesn't mean he doesn't hate me."

Lily pulled out her wand and pointed it threateningly at Sirius. "For the last time, he does not fucking hate you! Now please shut up about it, or I swear I'll hex your balls off."

Sirius winced visibly. "Fine, fine."

"Good."

Lily pushed open the common room door. Sirius followed her through. "I'm going to do homework," she said. "Don't do anything stupid, and whatever you do, don't try to get into the hospital wing. It will not help anything. It will make it worse."

He held up his hands. "I won't, I won't."

He watched as she walked up the stairs and into her room, the door closing softly behind her. He flopped down onto the couch. He could really use a drink right now. He wondered if Benjy had anything left.

Shrugging, he stood up. It was worth a shot. He walked slowly up to the seventh year dorm and knocked on the door. All he could think about was Remus. One of the seventh years opened the door. "What do you want, uh," he paused, trying to remember Sirius's name.

"Black."

"Oh, that's right. Black. What do you want?"

"Is Benjy in there?"

The boy turned around. "Oi, Benjy! There's a fifth year who wants you. The Black kid."

"Hold on a sec," Benjy called back.

A few moments later, he appeared in the doorway. "Hey," he said. "What's up, Black?"

"Do you have anything to drink?" asked Sirius, cutting straight to the point.

Benjy looked surprised. "You were at the party last night," he said. "You got pretty fucked up and then disappeared. You sure it's a good idea?"

Sirius nodded. "I'll be fine. I need it."

Benjy shrugged. "It's none of my business. I've got half a bottle of firewhisky I can sell you."

Sirius nearly leapt with joy. "That's perfect," he said gratefully. "How much?"

"Uh," Benjy said, considering it for a minute. "3 Galleons?"

Sirius fished the coins out of his pocket and handed them to the older boy. He disappeared into the room, then came back, holding a glass bottle half full of firewhiskey. He handed it to Sirius. "You know the drill, Black. If you get caught with it, you snuck it into the castle yourself, and I don't know a damn thing about it."

"I snuck it in," Sirius said.

Benjy nodded and turned around.

"Oh, and thanks," Sirius said. He really meant it.

"Any time."

Sirius shoved the bottle into the inside pocket of his robe and headed back to his dorm. James and Peter were gone, luckily. He flopped down on Remus's bed and opened the bottle. He took a long drink, wincing at the burn, but relishing it at the same time. He smiled slightly.

Sirius finished the entire bottle alarmingly quickly. He set it on his bedside table and just sat on his bed, thinking about Remus. Fuck, he loved him and he wanted him to be happy and he hoped he wasn't mad.

Honestly all that he wanted right now was to kiss Remus, to hold him in his arms and whisper little things. "I love you, Remy," he whispered.

But Remus's words still echoed in his head, despite all of the alcohol he had consumed. "I hate you," said Remus's voice.

Sirius clamped his hands over his ears. "Don't say that, Remy!" he said.

"I hate you."

Sirius sniffed. "I'm sorry, Remy. I had to tell them."

"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you."

The tears were streaming down Sirius's face. "Stop saying that," he begged. "You don't mean it!"

"I hate you."

"Stop it, Remy!"

"I hate you."

The door opened. James and Peter walked in. They were definitely not expecting to see Sirius sitting on his bed, tears streaming down his face, talking to himself, and clearly drunk.

"Siri?" asked James cautiously.

Sirius looked up at him sadly. "Tell Remus to stop it," he said.

"Siri, Remus isn't in here."

Sirius frowned, looking slightly confused. "But I heard him. He wouldn't stop saying it."

"Sirius, you're drunk."

"No, I'm not," said Sirius, shaking a finger at James.

"How much did you have to drink?"

Sirius thought about it for a minute. "Only a teensy-wheensy little bit," he said proudly. He held up the bottle and showed it to James.

"Sirius! That's an empty bottle of firewhiskey! It's a Saturday morning! You were absolutely wasted last night! How much did you fucking drink?"

"It wasn't full," said Sirius, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I only had some of it."

"Did Benjy sell that to you?"

"Nope!" said Sirius brightly. "He said that I'm supposed to say I snuck it in myself. He doesn't know a damn thing about it." He paused. "Wait- shit."

James groaned loudly. "I'm going to fucking murder him," he muttered. "Now, what was Remus doing."

Sirius suddenly looked very sad again. "He hates me," he said softly.

"No, he doesn't," said James.

"Yes, he does! I heard him say it!"

"Sirius, you're drunk."

"He hates me," Sirius whispered again, this time to himself.

James shook his head. "He loves you."

"No, he hates me," Sirius whispered sadly. "He hates me, and he's going to break up with me." He looked up at James. "You know, if he breaks up with me, I think I might die."

"He's not going to break up with you."

"You don't know that!"

"Yes, I do," James sighed exasperatedly. "Now try to get some sleep, ok?"

"Fine," said Sirius. He lay down, closing his eyes. Now that James had said it, he really was quite tired. He looked over at James one last time. "But I get to say 'I told you so' when he breaks up with me, right?"

James sighed. "Fine. But he's not going to."

Sirius ignored him. James pulled the curtains around the bed and picked up the empty bottle. He threw it in the trash can and motioned to Peter. "Let's go," he said. "Sirius needs to sleep, and I want to murder Benjy."

A/N:

have another chapter :)

i'm so fucking numb. i'm still clean, but idk how and i don't want to be. i had my audition for les mis at my school today. it went really well. i hope i get a lead. i still have so many missing physics assignments. grades are due next wednesday. i need to get them in. if i get a bad grade my parents will be so pissed

also ur all amazing and i love you all so much. if u wanna chat/become friends (although full disclosure i think of all of you as friends and talk about how amazing you are to my best friend), just lmk and we figure out what platform is best (discord, tumblr, instagram, etc. you can also pm me)

take care, drink some water. i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn