PART 35
Roy was now in the hospital wing. Treating him with Antiwyrm had put him in a coma. Supposedly that was normal. Supposedly there was no telling if the treatment had worked or not until it was… too late.
James and Remus had some independent study hours they next day. They spent them reading all they could find about summoning tattoos and various removal techniques.
"I can't find any method that doesn't involve cutting the arm off," said James, face in book. "But Padfoot once said he always wanted a hook for a hand."
"Here are some very specific instructions on how to remove a summoning tattoo," said Remus, face in a different book. "But what bothers me is the consequences that will inevitably follow."
"Maybe we should just focus on removing the tattoo, and deal with the consequences later."
"Later, or when it's too late?"
"Later! What are the instructions? Does it seem hard?"
"Not at all. All we need is a very sharp and very dark object."
"Awesome! Now when you say dark..?"
"It means dark in a magic sense. Yeah I just don't know where we could find an object that is very sharp and very dark..." Remus rubbed his left cheek.
"Yeah... where indeed... Do you have a toothache or something?"
"I sometimes get these temporary aches, it's probably just a sensitive nerve or something. I brush too hard."
"Have you ever been to a dentist?"
"I've never had to see a dentist. I brush three times a day. I just don't understand what caused it..."
Remus popped a gum ball in his mouth. Trying to chew it down hurt. It was tragic to see, like watching a shark receive news from his shark doctor that he could never eat seals again because his teeth were too sensitive.
Then another thought popped into James's mind, one unrelated to quidditch, like a party guest ringing the wrong doorbell.
"You really should let someone take a look."
"I'm fine."
"Maybe you're fine now but people have died from infected teeth!"
"No one has ever died from infected teeth."
"I'm sure someone has at some point!"
"Stop worrying about my teeth and try to think of where you can find a dark and sharp object!"
That was the precise thing James was trying to do! But he couldn't say it. In his fantasy, he said to Remus: "How about we pull out one of your teeth? That will function as a dark and sharp object!
And in the same fantasy, Remus replied in a huff: "No that is dangerous and stuff! I am not your dark tool box!"
Because he couldn't see that being a dark tool box could be a wonderful thing to be.
"I am trying!" said James. "But I find it hard to hear my own thoughts over your sighs and moans! Maybe you would be able to concentrate better if you weren't in pain."
"It will pass don't worry about it."
Sirius came into the private study room, tired from having been up all night giving the Dark Lord dating advice. He sat down to do some homework.
"Morning," he yawned.
"Hey guess what!" said James. "There is a way to remove summoning tattoos!"
"What is it?"
"I haven't looked at the instructions myself but apparently it's not that hard. All we need is a sharp, dark object. So if you could think of a sharp dark object, where might we get one…?"
Sirius noticed that he wasn't hearing bubblegum popping incessantly like he used to. He saw that Remus was reading a book, with a pained and miserable expression on his face. He looked like a shark, that had just received news from his shark doctor that he'd never get his shark fin back.
He got out of his chair, and pulled up a new one next to Remus.
"Hello have you lost weight?"
"Are you calling me fat?" Remus asked.
"I just think you look exceptionally stick-like on this fine day. All those sweets, I don't know where you put it."
"Why are you so friendly? Last week you told me to get back in my potato cage in Russia."
"Did I really? Oh, that! I've never said that! You must have dreamt it. Look, it was a joke. You know? One of those things that are not ok if somebody else says it, but it's ok if I do, you know? Because we're chums!"
"Even 'though I'm a mummy?"
"Pfft! Mummy? You're not the mummy, they are!"
"Who's they?"
"Society!"
"Does that mean I'm not a mummy after all?"
"Oh, you're a mummy! But like I don't care, because THEY'RE the mummies! You're also a mummy but it's fine. A mummy with sharp teeth."
Remus thought he'd have a go at his self-chewing bubblegum. But it wasn't remotely the same thing, in fact it missed the point completely.
"Do you need a dentist?" Sirius asked, excited.
"It's just a sensitive nerve. It can happen when you brush too hard."
"A nerve doctor, then! Come on let Pomfrey have a look!"
Remus began to pack his things.
"Where are you going?" Sirius asked.
"Um prefect thing."
"At ten o'clock?"
"Class starts."
"In one hour."
"You know what? I think I will just go and have a lie down in my sarcophagus."
Remus grabbed his bag. Sirius needed to act fast. He pointed at the curtains and gave them a thorough magic slashing. Beathag Owl, the librarian, came in to remove the Easter figurines a moment after.
"What happened in here?" she asked, shocked at the state of the curtains.
"It's nobody's fault," said Sirius, feigning regret. "Sometimes he JUST can't help it!"
Remus glowered at him.
"Really it's my fault," said Sirius. "I shouldn't have said that I like chamomile tea- sorry! Tisane! Honestly why did I have to say that? Completely unnecessary."
The librarian looked sternly at Remus.
"I think you better go to Doctor Pomfrey right away!"
"It wasn't me!" said Remus, but it was pointless. The staff here just couldn't afford to take any chances.
And besides, perhaps Remus had nicked books from the reservation cart one too many times. And perhaps he had gotten bubblegum stuck to the pages one too may times more.
Sirius shook his head. "You really believe that, don't you?"
"Professor McGonagall says that you must be sent to the hospital wing if you act weird," said Miss Owl.
"I just hope he's not skipping meds again."
"If I were skipping meds," Remus whispered, calmly envisioning himself tearing Sirius's head off. "I'd be drinking tea out of your skull."
James began to fake-cough.
"I'm coming down with a flu, guys. I really should go to Pomfrey but I don't want to go alone so can you please come with me?"
He really didn't want to stay and watch Remus pour hot water in Sirius's dry skull and then dunk a PG Tip in it. As they were leaving, he was already thinking of ways to plant Sirius's DNA on a serrated knife and make it it look like an accident.
X
Sirius explained to Pomfrey that he had slashed those library curtains, and that Remus was innocent, but he did it in such a way to deliberately not sound at all convincing.
James, too, insisted that Sirius had slashed those curtains.
But Pomfrey thought nevertheless that, since Remus was already there anyway, she could just as well check his urge-to-kill levels. He did look a little like he was boiling on the inside with murder lust.
Beep beep beep. That was the sound Pomfrey's wand made, when she scanned Remus like a barcode.
"Your UTK levels are are bit elevated. Are you sure you haven't had any killing fantasies today?"
Sirius was fiddling with Pomfrey's equipment. Remus glanced at him. His flashing eyes made Sirius knock over a cup of spatulas.
"Since you're here, maybe you could get those sensitive nerves checked," he said, coolly collecting the spatulas back in the cup. If a live audience had been watching the scene, it would have gone: OOOOOO!
"I think your canines just grew a quarter inch," said Pomfrey and summoned a ruler as well as a box of tranquillisers in case of emergency.
James put down the cough syrup he had tried to uncork and picked up a serrated scalpel. He gave it to Sirius.
"Here hold this."
"Don't pretend you weren't thinking it."
"You should probably go back to sucking up if you like being whole."
"Or I could just stro-"
"Strangle yourself? You might as well."
After noting down her measurements, Pomfrey put down the ruler.
"I see you have a little tooth decay."
"Does the tooth need removing?" James asked.
"Removing? No. Just gargle this."
Pomfrey summoned magic CavFix potion and gave it to Remus. Then Slughorn poked his head in the door and whispered something.
"How long?" Pomfrey whispered back.
Slughorn whispered something in reply.
"How long?" Pomfrey whispered back.
Slughorn whispered something in reply.
"You waited how long?"
Slughorn whispered something in reply.
Pomfrey turned to the chaps.
"Something's come up," she explained to them. "No, not up! Excuse me, I'll only be a minute."
The chaps listened to the clock tick as they waited for Pomfrey to return. Remus poured CavFix in the small measuring cup that came with the flask and gargled.
"I've heard some meds only remove the symptoms, but not the cause," said James.
Remus began to rummage through Pomfrey's medical tools, irritated, until he found a pair of forceps. He used them to pull out the tooth he had just healed. It was going to grow back, but it was still extremely painful to watch. He threw the tooth on a steel tray.
"That's what you wanted, wasn't it? You could have just asked!"
Then he knocked over an IV stand on his angry way out. James picked up the tooth.
"This really ought to do the trick."
It looked like Pomfrey was going to be a while. James and Sirius had no reason to hang around.
They passed the patient beds on their way out. Sirius stopped when he saw a comatose Roy, looking peacefully asleep with his head wrapped in bandage. His teeth sparkled behind his drooling lips.
"What happened here?"
Sirius looked at the journal.
"Someone tried to perform surgery on his head. Weird."
He put the journal back. Somebody had left Roy fuchsias and After Eights. A white soft toy, old but not yellowed, in the shape of a happy tooth sat among the gifts. James thought it was a good object to stab with Remus's tooth, just to test its magic potency, and did so.
The soft tooth grew grey fur and a menacing face. Magic potency intact.