Remus traipsed through the welsh countryside, it was a beautiful day, or it should be were it not for the deep depression within him that occluded the sunlight. The little cottage stood alone, nestled between two rolling hills. It would never win any awards for the best kept front lawn, but despite never actually having lived there himself, Remus had always felt the cottage was homely and peaceful.
"Remus!" Lyall Lupin flung the door open the minute Remus made his way up the drive. In their brief embrace all the guilt from both parties hung between them, unaddressed, before Lyall released his son and patted him on the shoulder a little awkwardly, "it's good to see you, son."
The werewolf did his best to smile as convincingly as he could, but his father's expression told him that despite their somewhat distant relationship and the varying states of sickliness his father had seen him in over the years, his father could tell that Remus was considerably worse for wear.
In the somewhat cramped little kitchen, Lyall set about boiling the kettle on the stove. They made tea the muggle way in this family, they always would, in silent vigil to Hope Lupin. "I uhh... didn't know if you'd be hungry" Lyall said, gesturing to a chocolate loaf cake on the table that looked suspiciously like the one Remus had regularly helped himself to seconds, thirds and fourths of as a teenager.
Remus smiled though he was sure it came out as more of a grimace. He knew how hard his father tried, especially since Remus's mother had passed. Remus also knew his father was plagued by guilt over Remus's Lycanthropy and that his own absence in his father's life did nothing to absolve the aging wizard of that guilt. However, Remus, too similar in some ways to Lyall, was too plagued by his own guilt over the inconvenience his condition had caused his parents, to ever allow their father son relationship to involve more than a monthly letter and the occasional visit.
Lyall Lupin was an academic above all else. People skills were not something he possessed in aces and spades, that had been Hope's forte. As such, Lyall had become something of a recluse as he aged. Remus wondered how different his father would be were Hope still alive now. Remus's own relationship with Dora had given him a deeper insight into his father's loss. Dora made Remus a better person, they'd been together mere months and yet he couldn't help but feel as though without her, life was hardly worth living.
It was sympathy and guilt and a rather repressed affection for his father that enabled Remus to force two slices of cake down his throat and engage in conversation over Bromley's newest paper on The Ideal Conditions for a Poltergeist's Genesis as he sat on the incredibly uncomfortable garden chair. As the sun moved to be obscured by the little cottage, father and son moved into the living room where Remus proceeded to lose horrifically at a game of wizard's chess. After insisting that he was clearly in no state to begin another game, Remus finally broached the subject that had been the real motivation for his visit.
"Um Dad..." Remus began, somehow feeling as though he were 15 again, "I was wondering... do you still have that Labradorite I gave you during the first war?"
Remus remembered it all as though it were yesterday. His father's dismay at him having joined the Order of the Phoenix, his mother's insistence that he didn't owe Dumbledore anything as she made a valiant effort to keep up with the terrifying politics of the wizarding world. And then Remus's insistence that he posed too much of a threat to them by staying, closely followed by the guilt of leaving them unprotected when his mother was a muggle, and his father a likely target for his academic expertise.
Remus had been in Finland making contacts with the tamer werewolf packs that resided in Lappeenranta. He'd made such amicable acquaintances there, that Remus could almost have seen himself giving up on Wizarding Britain and going to live there permanently. One day when Remus had finally divulged the gravity of his situation at home, Elliott (one of the camp elder's) had taken Remus on a walk along the lake until they reached a cave unlike any he'd ever seen before. The cave walls were dark grey but flecked with streaks of electric blue and green and one could feel the magic embedded there the second they stepped inside. The legend was that he who was truly noble and self-sacrificing would be able to find in the cave a Labradorite stone that would provide protection to his loved ones. The magic of precious stones wasn't taught at Hogwarts largely because England didn't yield any, but on his travels Remus had come to learn a little about this branch of magic. He was not so confident in his own nobility, but Remus had been stunned when the little stone had fallen right onto his head. Remus had returned from Finland two days later and headed straight for his parents' house, grateful he could at least offer them some sort of protection.
The stone had only done its job in part. Magic healing of any kind was useless against muggle illness and so in the end there was nothing he could have done to save his mother. But without the stone she likely wouldn't have had those last months and Lyall likely wouldn't still be here now. When Greyback had been on his way to the Lupin residence in attempt to track Remus down, the stone had glowed and warned them, and they were able to make their move before the monstruous werewolf descended on them. After Hope had died, the stone had provided an altogether different sort of protection to Lyall, when he was at his lowest and at risk of giving up, the stone would glow and remind him of the reasons he wanted to keep going.
"Of course I still have it" Lyall responded, "I know I'm not exactly tidy, but I wouldn't just lose something that precious"
Remus pursed his lips. He felt guilty for his next question but the image of Dora, sat alone on the grass at the Burrow, hunched over, eyes devoid of her usual sparkle, forced him to carry on. "Well, I was wondering... if you don't mind... I have a friend who could really use it now"
Lyall surveyed his son carefully, "honestly, I'd rather give it to you to you to keep yourself Remus..."
Remus shook his head, "you know the properties are significantly weakened if the finder uses it for their own gain. Besides, she needs it more than I do"
A slow smile spread over Lyall's face, "I see... well she must be some friend then"
Remus shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant, the last thing he needed was his father on his case about his love life, trying to convince him that he deserved happiness or some such ridiculous notion.
Remus had to decline the offer to stay for dinner, trying to ignore the brief look of disappointment that flitted across his father's face. "Well, do come back soon, won't you?" his father asked.
Remus took a deep breath, he'd been waiting for this. "Actually Dad, that was the other thing I needed to tell you... I'll be... going away for a while. You can't write to me alright? I'll let you know when I'm back but whatever you do, don't contact me."
His father's eyes widened as the realisation dawned on him, "this isn't... it's that Order of the bloody Phoenix again, isn't it?"
"Dad please" Remus looked into his father's eyes, urging him not to ruin what had, in a strange sort of way, been a rather pleasant afternoon.
"You don't have to do it you know" his father insisted and suddenly Remus was 18 again having just been asked to join the Order.
"I know" Remus replied, "but I could never live with myself if I didn't"
The conversation had been had too many times in the past for Lyall to think there was anything he could do to change his son's mind. "You're more like your mother than you know" he said instead.
Remus frowned, unconvinced.
"She was brave" Lyall nodded, "waltzed right into the wizarding world and hardly batted an eyelid at all the new things she came up against. Nothing ruined her spirit..."
Remus had no words. It was true, his mother had been a remarkable woman. But Remus bore no resemblance to her with her easy smile and positive spirit. So Remus embraced his father, asking once more for reassurance that he'd make no attempt to contact him, and urging him to set up security charms on the cottage just in case.
That night found Remus under Mad-Eye's invisibility cloak, leant against a tree in Wandsworth gazing forlornly up at Dora's bedroom window. If he had thought that working out how to procure something of hers to attach the stone to would be difficult, it was nothing compared to how difficult it was to stand out there and not make his way to the door. Knowing she was just a few feet away but he couldn't go to her was torment of the highest degree. He'd been under the cruciatus curse once before, he transformed into a werewolf every month, and yet this pain was intolerable. He glanced around him for the hundredth time, the coast was completely clear. He looked at his watch. If he was correct, she'd have gotten in from work 10 minutes ago. He couldn't be more grateful for the fact that the window was around the back of the block of flats, so he hadn't had to see her as she made her way in. He wasn't sure what he'd have done if he had seen her, but he didn't trust his own restraint. Raising his wand he cast a powerful homenum revelio and found his prediction had been accurate. She was in the bathroom, most likely showering, which means he had 10 minutes at most to break the security charms, summon her wand holster, attach the stone, replace it and set the wards back up.
He breached the security enchantments with too much ease. He knew he was only able to do this because he was in the Order, but he still wished she'd change them from time to time just to be safe. He kept glancing around him as he summoned her wand holster out the window, it wouldn't do for a muggle to catch sight of it flying out her window.
As soon as his hand closed around the black leather, he dropped the stone inside and set to work on the sticking charm he'd practiced earlier that evening. It had been tricky to find a charm that would work on such a powerful magical object but after seeing how stubbornly the Black family portraits had clung to the walls in Grimauld Place, he knew it must be possible. He allowed himself a couple of minutes to look over his handiwork, ensuring the stone was securely fixed and wouldn't be too obvious. When he was as confident as he could be that the spell had worked, he cast another quick homenum revelio to check she was still in the bathroom before sending the holster back up into her bedroom. He reset the wards, wishing he could upgrade them a little but knowing she would realise someone had changed them. He sighed, he had done all he could for her now. He would have to entrust the task of rambling about the importance of changing your security charms to Alastor, she was far more likely to listen to her old mentor than to him now anyway.
The next few days were agonising - knowing he was about to voluntarily walk into his own personal hell, into a place that celebrated all that he hated about himself and all that had caused him so much pain and despair over the years. He stopped shaving to look less civilized. He endured the full moon in a desolate Peak District cave. He didn't take wolfsbane, in training for the many moons that were to come. He awoke with a broken rib which he didn't bother to heal, any lack of post moon injuries would only rouse suspicion among the pack. As he expected, the result of an unmedicated full moon meant an abundance of fresh cuts and gashes which would also help him convince the pack that he was ready to leave the wizarding world and embrace what he really was.
He had his 'last supper' at the Burrow. He was all too aware of the way that Molly piled up his plate with three times as much food as anyone else. She wanted to treat his fresh wounds, but he waved her off, pretending they weren't causing him any pain. He spent the afternoon trying to quell the butterflies in his stomach as he wondered whether Dora would also be gracing them with her presence. He knew he shouldn't want her to join them, but he still couldn't help but wish she would show up. She never did. Despite his undeniable disappointment, he could only hope that meant she was heeding his advice and forgetting about him.
"Remus, are you sure you won't stay here until you leave, there's plenty of room..." Molly offered for what seemed like the hundredth time once the kids were all occupied in a game of quidditch in the garden.
"No, really" Remus replied wearily, "I appreciate the offer, but I can't afford to look like I've come from living among wizards."
Molly surveyed him sympathetically, "I wish there was something more I could do for you..."
"You've done more than enough Molly"
"Well, your belongings are in Charlie's room so just know that room will be yours if you ever need to... get away for a bit... I mean it, if you're injured or you just need a decent meal or a bed... whatever you need."
Remus despised the idea of the Burrow being his refuge were he to need it. He didn't want to bring all the misery of Lycanthropy into a happy family home. But Albus had insisted that as Order Headquarters it was the only place secure enough for him to run to without blowing his cover. And so he had moved his few worldly possessions into one of the empty upstairs bedrooms but sworn to himself that whatever happened, he would not 'run away' from the pack.
On Tuesday, Remus donned his shabbiest clothes and packed up his few belongings that he could bring with him. He winced as he placed his wand in Mad-Eye's undetectable box, under any other circumstances he'd have marvelled at the intricacies of a box that could hide even the most powerful magical object but as it was in his fearful state, he had no room in his head for curiosity. He checked out of the inn where he'd been staying and apparated to Telford. From there he made his way on foot into the vast woodland that he'd already spied on for evidence of werewolf packs. He shivered as the woodland became thicker and the branches obscured the sunlight, adding to the feeling that he was walking to his doom.
He knew he wasn't far from the camp and his stomach turned as he look to his left and saw an acacia tree. He knew that was the spot. He had to act under the assumption he was being watched so he made his way over to the tree and sat on the ground beneath it so that to any onlooker he would appear to just be taking a breather. He rummaged through his rucksack and fished out a bottle of water along with the undetectable box. He took a drink and then pushed the box into the bush that lay at the foot of the tree. He sighed as he leant his head back against the trunk. Dora's wand was acacia – stubborn and favouring the highly gifted. He could feel all the memories of her threatening to overwhelm him and he urged himself to keep them at bay just a little longer and focus on the task at hand.
He rose to his feet and set off again, his sense of dread had more than doubled now. For a wizard there was no feeling more vulnerable than being without one's wand. It was like being naked, stripped entirely of your magical powers that you'd relied on for so long.
He saw movement up ahead and he knew he had found them. He took a deep breath and quickened his pace as he approached the two men. Once he was a few metres away, they sensed his presence and turned to face him, their eyes instantly drawn to the fresh claw marks down his right cheek. It was now or never. Remus cleared his throat, "morning" he called to them, "I was hoping I might find you here."
A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who's reviewed! It always makes my day to read your feedback :)
I hope you enjoyed my interpretation of Lyall Lupin, I really enjoyed writing that part so I hope you like it!