During Volume 13 Chapter 6
The most difficult things in life were not the things that strangled you by your neck alone. While you were immobile, at the very least, the assailant would be completely focused on you. Thus, no other problem needed to be considered. You could put your entire effort into overcoming that problem. Even if you failed, at least no one else would be harmed.
However, the problem that I faced was shared by everyone else in the student council office. Every time the secretary made a mistake on the spreadsheet, I would have to comb through each cell and spot the issue. If I were to forget to account for an item, then the treasurer would have to hunt for it.
Each person needed to put one-hundred percent of their effort into tackling the prom. Perhaps if someone were to overexert themselves, they could put in one-hundred-twenty percent. However, that was the hard limit. No single person could make up for the several-thousand percent of effort needed to make the prom a reality.
You could not shoulder all of it by yourself, and you had to trust that your fellow women and men were up to the task. Each person was but a helpless cog hoping that the gears around them would drive the machine as one. That sense of futility at the individual level was truly scary.
"Yukino-senpaaaai, it's over, it's over. We can't make the cut-off like this!"
Isshiki Iroha was on the other side of the desk I was working at, arching the front of her body over the tabletop, bringing her face uncomfortably close to mine. That face in question had spots of tears seeping out of the corner of her eyes.
"Yes… I'm afraid that we aren't hitting the milestones as quickly as I would like," I responded to my hopeless kouhai.
Reality was grim. Few of us were willing to put in the extra hours of unpaid overtime. Those who were willing would not be able to make up for our shortcomings.
Earlier today, I had enlisted the help of Kawasaki Saki again. I had requested that she handle the clothing rentals and guidelines, in accordance with the new restrictions. Surprisingly, she agreed to help us with little pushback. Somehow, she seemed a little more spirited than before, which put me at ease.
Being able to offload some of the work to an additional helper had also brought a smile to Isshiki's face.
Perhaps she would have been even happier to have gotten more helpers. Yet, by my own selfish desires, the two most trustworthy helpers were now beyond her reach. One of them even outright declared that he would be opposing us.
Putting that aside, we seriously needed additional personnel. As we all realized by now, the student council alone could not put on an event of this size, with so little time remaining.
"Isshiki-san, I believe that we would be better off with more volunteers to help us. Do you know of any that would be willing?" I asked.
Crossing her arms, Isshiki murmured, "Hmm… all of our hands are on deck now, so I dunno. We would have to start reaching for other clubs at this point."
"What would be a club that you, as the student council president, would be most comfortable asking?" I inquired.
"That would be— well, basically that'd be the Club President Association," she replied.
The Club President Association or CPA was less of a club and more of an administrative body, even more so than the student council. Its activities consisted of occasional meetings with every clubs' presidents. The people who could be formally called members of the CPA were mostly members of other clubs as well and really only helped do some paperwork. Since I was the president of the Service Club, I had to meet with the CPA occasionally.
The directives that the CPA would carry out would mostly be by the command of the student council. Because of that, the CPA could not be considered a wholly independent association. One could even call them an arm of the student council.
"Ah, Hayato-senpai! Maybe if we ask him, he'd help us out!" exclaimed Isshiki.
She stood straight up and looked longingly at the wall. She was still smitten with that person, so she was probably having some kind of disgusting fantasy.
Hayama Hayato was not only the president of the soccer club. He was also the president of the CPA.
He was the kind of person that sought harmony at any cost, a hapless white knight whose primary domain was the peacemaker's no man's land, at the interstice of all sides. He would probably be more than willing to help us. Well, it wasn't as if the CPA would have a choice in the matter, if the order came from the student council.
In a way, it was fitting for Hayama to be the head of an association that had the lofty goal of keeping the school's clubs in check. Perhaps he could resolve conflicts or inform the club presidents of important info, but he would never intervene to an extent that would fundamentally change how a club worked.
"I suppose that we have no choice. Let's pay Hayama-kun a visit," I spoke to Isshiki.
It was easy to forget, but Isshiki was a manager of the soccer club.
It seemed reckless that Isshiki was shouldering two extracurricular responsibilities at the same time. However, that wasn't something unheard-of. Hayama Hayato, for example, held multiple responsibilities as well. Isshiki didn't seem to be collapsing from stress and overwork (before the prom planning began, anyway), so it was likely all within her abilities.
"Um, it's not that big of a deal, really," spoke Isshiki, "It wasn't like being a manager was super hard. I mean, if it was, would I have taken it on in the first place?"
"That is true, knowing how you were like back then," I said, nodding in agreement.
"…I know that you're basically just agreeing with me, but that somehow still sounded like an insult," groaned Isshiki.
The two of us were walking through the corridors, in order to reach the soccer field, where we would find Hayama. Isshiki had contacted him advance, so we would be meeting him there.
Before the Isshiki was elected as student council president, perhaps she would have spent more time on that field. Isshiki gazed out the window, looking fondly at the students having a practice round of soccer.
But life was an unpredictable butterfly.
Misfortunate circumstances led her to run as president, which she ended up taking on in the end. A complete stranger at first, she soon made herself comfortable in the Service Club. She would gossip with Yuigahama, share her snacks in exchange for my tea, and banter with Hikigaya.
It felt nostalgic, even though it wasn't that long ago. Now, we walked our separate ways. The tea that I sipped daily now had a different aroma. That door remained locked, with no one requesting for its keys.
I realized that the literal amount of time that had passed matter little. Nostalgia — it was borne of loss.
"Yukino-senpai, are you feeling okay?" asked Isshiki, "You're frowning a little scarily."
She gave me a look of concern. Everyday, Isshiki asked me similar questions.
"I am, and I will be as well, after we get through all of this," I responded, "There's no need to worry."
My response was canned, but it was less than a lie. It was more for self-encouragement.
Isshiki was the only person in the student council that I could fully trust. I did not mean to downplay the efforts of the rest of the student council, but it was difficult to have complete faith in people that I did not usually work with. Perhaps it was a symptom of my tendency to distance myself.
If Yuigahama and Hikigaya were helping me, I would feel relieved, but such a thing would fuel another fatal flaw of mine.
"Look, Yukino-senpai, it's Hayato-senpai! Haaaayaaatooo-seeenpaaaii!"
Before long, we had exited the school's building and arrived at the soccer field. Hayama Hayato was idly standing at its edge, with a towel draped across his sweaty shoulders.
Thanks to Isshiki's shouts, Hayama noticed us from a distance away. He began walking towards us to close the gap.
"Oh, Iroha? And Yukinoshita too. Good evening," he greeted.
I courteously exchanged greetings with him as well.
A small gust of winter wind blew past the three of us, causing me to shiver.
That same wind rustled Hayama's golden hair. His face relaxed, relishing the coldness. His serene expression was certainly dashing, a favourite of his countless admirers.
Beside me, Isshiki stared with wonder at that handsome face in question — but she stopped at that.
"I've read your message, Iroha. It seems that student council needs my— no our help," said Hayama.
"Yes! You've probably heard about the prom by now, but getting everything together is getting to be really insane," said a fatigued Isshiki, "We'd really appreciate it if we could get you and the CPA to help us out."
"I can see that you've put in a lot of effort. I've seen your video. You've come up with a great idea, Iroha," said Hayama, striking her with his signature smile.
"O-Oh, ehehe… but yeah, living up to that video is way tougher than we can handle, so please, help us out!"
Isshiki quickly bowed down, hiding her flushed cheeks.
"I would have to agree with Isshiki-san," I spoke to Hayama, "There have been certain circumstances that have driven us up against a wall, so we would really appreciate the additional manpower."
Hayama stared wide-eyed at me, not hiding his surprise. It did not feel feigned. It was not at all the kind of behaviour that one put on simply to suit the social circumstance. He seemed truly shocked, like he had seen something unbelievable.
"To think there would come a day when Yukinoshita would ask me for help directly," he murmured, "And even now, when you have those people with you as well."
"The student council? Well, the circumstances have become rather dire, so we cannot accomplish enough on our own," I responded.
Truthfully, I was not thrilled at the idea of asking Hayama for help. However, it was not because I doubted his physical or intellectual capacities. Like an immature child, I felt reservations from petty distrust.
It was a long time ago, back in elementary school. The fog of memory obscured the details, but certain elements struck out like red flares. Back then, I had become embroiled in a nasty situation.
Hayama Hayato refused to take a side. It would have probably been more bearable to deal with it had he done so, even if it was against me. Even back then, he chose to be the ally of everyone.
He got himself involved in one place before turning around and poking his nose in a completely opposite direction. He would even set up direct interactions between me and the opposing side, those immature brats, even as I sought to do things my own way.
He chose to be an indiscriminate catalyst. Perhaps he desired for peace, but his naïve methods fuelled their hatred instead. Fittingly, just like a catalyst, the only entity that wasn't consumed in the pandemonium was himself.
I stopped those sorts of unnecessary thoughts there. I didn't have the luxury to dwell in them. I couldn't afford to, with our current situation.
In any case, should we explain the situation, Hayama would ensure that our objectives were met.
"I would love to. Or rather, it's not like we can say no, anyway," said Hayama with a good-natured laugh.
Isshiki breathed a sigh of relief. Of course, she was already aware that Hayama would most likely not refuse. She was simply relieved at having one thing ticked off in our list of things to do.
"However, there is a problem," declared Hayama, "I can't say that the CPA would be thrilled at needing to help out with the prom as well."
"It must be about the Oikon, right?" I asked.
He nodded.
Back in the student council room, before Isshiki could bounce out the door, I had pulled her back in to discuss with her about any possible issues with regards to the CPA. While they could hardly refuse us, without a pressing reason, I had concerns about the quality of their aid — more precisely, how motivated they would be in helping us.
"We holding the prom at the same time that the CPA would be holding their Oikon, correct?" I inquired.
"Yeah. I can say whatever I want to them, but they've already got a lot on their plate. I can't say if they'll be too happy to be dropped with another pile of work," he answered.
"That won't be a problem. More accurately, we can make it cease to be a problem," I spoke.
Making the problem disappear — such a concept was something that I was familiar with since a certain someone tended to put that to practice quite often.
Isshiki and I had predicted this situation in advance, and we came up with a suitable countermeasure.
"Hayato-senpai, both of our events have the goal of celebrating graduation. Why don't we just combine our events into one?" explained Isshiki.
I added, "There's no need to hold two major events at the same time. That would be too fatiguing on the students. Yet, there's plenty of merits regarding the Oikon. It would not be such a bad idea to incorporate things from the Oikon into our prom."
"I see, it would make the CPA feel a lot better if our efforts weren't going to waste," considered Hayama.
He nodded approvingly, smiling widely as if to out-shine the sun. It seemed that he was on board.
The thought of a win-win situation struck resonance with Hayama Hayato. It was a fairytale-like notion, in a grey world of compromises. We had elected to quickly get into his good graces by bringing this up first.
"But I want to hear why you've come to me and the CPA for help. You didn't ask for the help of all of us, even for things like the Christmas event from before."
He smile gained stiffness. Hayama was not a fool. This was why we wanted him on deck before he could ask that.
"It's a long story, but basically the parents have taken issue with the prom," I responded.
I recited the entire episode to Hayama, leaving out the names of specific persons. His expression gradually grew grim.
Hayama was someone who was quick on the uptake.
"I see… so the person they must have sent was her…" he muttered.
The Hayamas were closely intertwined with my family. Even without mentioning my mother directly, he had guessed correctly from my narrations alone.
"Yukinoshita, you— Aren't you worried?" he asked me.
He was perfectly aware of the relationship between me and my mother. His voice of concern was tinged with a hint of fear.
How the relationship between my mother and I deteriorated to its current state was no doubt largely to my ineptitude, my inability to fulfill her expectations. Yet, I, the disappointing one, had chosen to stand against her. I had no choice but to do it.
"Yes. Things are difficult, but—"
Now that I had stood on this stage, the anxiety of inaction had ceased. The doubts that I held, great as they were, were largely being overshadowed by the stress and rush of making the prom a reality. My hands were too busy and my brain was too occupied to think of anything else.
Then, there was our competition. I awaited his next move. What I wanted, what he wanted, how things would play out, I awaited them with anticipation. Yet, even though we competed, we both fought for the completion of Isshiki's goal. It was an absurd form of cooperation. We were fated to clash, even as our purposes aligned.
That was why I was sure that things would be drawn to a definite conclusion. Worrying about whether a conclusion would be reached at all was meaningless.
"Things will fall into place. I'm sure of it," I replied, "No, I will make sure of it."
Hayama Hayato heaved his heaviest sigh. His shoulders dropped, and he almost let his towel, still draped on those shoulders, drop to the ground.
For several moments, he said nothing. He merely frowned.
"U-Um… so Hayato-senpai, what are your final thoughts—"
"Yeah, I'll bring it up with the CPA. You have my word on that. Of course, we'll all help you out, but I'll make sure that they're doing it as willingly as possible."
Latching on to Isshiki's question, Hayama snapped back to his usual smile.
"O-Okay, that's great! Thank you very much!" gratefully spoke Isshiki.
"Haha, make use of me as you will, but go easy on me," wryly spoke Hayama.
He was back to the usual Hayama Hayato. He smiled, and he freely gave his aid.
He worked hard to keep up such an image. At times, he would persist in this paradigm even if it became detrimental. Those shortcomings ran counter to his modus operandi. With such conflicts, it was logical to presume that, behind that smile, there was a stockpile of regrets.
Even so, he continued showing everyone his disgusting smile.
With the help of the CPA secured, we could let out a sigh of relief.
That didn't mean that we became relaxed. Rather, we could be assured that the hard work that we have will put in would not go to waste. It was the opposite of relaxation. We found the drive to work even harder.
Time flickered by, waist-deep in documents and meetings. I was always reaching out for a pen or directing a student council member to do something.
I was surrounded by people. Yet, I felt a loneliness that I hadn't felt for a long time.
For the past year, whenever I became with significant requests or events, there had always been two others that were by my side, struggling to fulfill the unreasonable demands that were thrust upon us. Today's story was solely written by Yukinoshita Yukino.
"Yukino-senpai, all the planning is finally done. I guess most of what's left is grunt work," spoke Isshiki.
I looked at the spreadsheet opened on Isshiki's laptop. All the rows were highlighted green.
"Indeed. Once I am done with what I am working on, I'll get in contact with the clothier and arrange things with the catering—"
"No, you won't be doing that," forcibly interrupted Isshiki, "You've done your job, so leave that up to the others."
I blinked rapidly in surprise. Isshiki had recently gotten quite assertive into talking me out of doing more work. She smiled widely and commandeeringly.
"I-I see. So, what I should be doing is—"
"You'll be taking a break. Get out of this room so that you can catch some fresh air," said Isshiki.
"…And I'm assuming you won't be taking your own extended break while I'm not looking, right?"
Isshiki froze. The smile on her face became strained with nervousness.
"Y-Yes, I will keep working! I promise!" exclaimed Isshiki.
I sighed discontentedly. Isshiki's antics would never let my stress levels fall.
However, she was correct. I needed to respect my physiological needs as well. That was a lesson that I had learned painfully from the cultural festival.
I bid Isshiki a temporary goodbye. I would not be taking a long break, so I decided to head to the courtyard and bask in the day's remaining rays of sunshine.
Heading out the student council room, it only took a few moments of brisk walking to arrive at an exit to the outdoors.
When I stepped outside, fresh chilliness greeted me. Fortunately, I had brought along a coat to shield myself from the frigidness. I heaved a sigh, and a cloud of white breath escaped from my mouth.
At the very least, I was liberated from the indoor stuffiness that I had not noticed.
A few leafless trees sparsely populated the area. The thriving flora was restricted to a few shrubs that retained their green even in the midst of winter.
There was no one to greet me in the courtyard. The only noises came from faraway shouts from athletic club members practicing on distant fields. I was truly by myself. Only in such a circumstance could my mental batteries truly recharge.
With suitable relaxation, my mental energies began filling and overflowing, beyond the battery of need, into the heat of aimless thoughts.
Reflection and re-evaluation. I couldn't call myself a perfectionist, since I could never achieve perfection. Even so, I did not believe in submitting an exam without checking over my answers at least twice over.
With regards to the prom, in the end, we had essentially chosen to ignore the implicit demands behind the request for restraint. Though all sides were in discussion, it had been expected for us to simply give up, or at least waste all of our time arguing back. While the argument was still an on-going process, we had begun preparing for the prom in earnest in spite of it, albeit with some disciplinary tweaks.
I tried to believe in the reasonableness of the average parent, who were not vocal. It was most likely the case that the vocal minority was responsible for the present mess. Perhaps our efforts will stir the silent majority and provide us with the consent we need.
"Though, honestly, it probably won't be that simple," I muttered.
I hadn't yet put on my coat. For just a few minutes, I had wanted to lose myself in the coldness.
However, the February outdoors was unexpectedly unforgiving. I began to shiver. My hands began losing sensation.
I spotted a vending machine. A hot refreshment should do to warm me up. I sauntered over and scanned over the options.
A certain yellow-orange option caught my eye. Cans of MAX Coffee were neatly lined up in a row behind the glass. Coffee was supposed to be a beverage where you could sample its rich, complex aromas. You were supposed to enjoy the indescribable mixture of bitterness, acidity or many other possible flavours. Yet, all of that was blunted by the milk, artificial flavours, and especially the ridiculous amount of sugar. It was like a child's candy, vulgarized from an adult's experience.
"Really, why does he like it so much, I wonder?" I murmured.
While I was having such thoughts, a metallic clunk had already sounded from the base of the vending machine. It was none other than a can of MAX Coffee.
That can and its design had become a familiar sight to me. Though, these days, I haven't seen it at all. I was never fond of its taste, but I found myself reaching for that can. Heat emanated from its metallic sides.
"Right now, I'm craving sugar," I told myself.
I put on my coat and cradled the can like a makeshift heat pack. I brought myself over to a bench and settled down.
I did not make direct contact with the can since it was piping hot. Rather, I handled it with the sleeves of my jacket. Warmth returned, starting from my hands, extending past my arms.
I gazed up at the sky. Away from the hastiness and recklessness, I felt at peace. I did not open the can; I did not indulge. While staring at the nothingness above me, towards a nonexistent place far away, I lost myself to the endless heavens and to the heat in my hands.
Suddenly, footsteps approached me. I snapped back to the earth.
The one who came to this lonely place was Hikigaya Hachiman. His hands were stuffed into the pockets at the front of his coat. His signature nurseryfish eyes were striking at me, seeming somehow apologetic and perplexed at the same time.
"Oh, if it isn't Hikigaya-kun?"
"Ah… yeah…" he murmured.
It was as if he was summoned by the can of MAX Coffee, which he so loved, in my hands. Such a coincidence brought a smile to my face.
Then, I had a realization. I was currently holding the same can of coffee that I had always teased him for enjoying. Rather than shrink away, he would always lash back with words of unbelievable passion for it. MAX Coffee was the centre of Hikigaya's life. Handling this can was similar to handling Hikigaya.
With those thoughts racing through my mind, I hurriedly hid the can in my coat. However, Hikigaya had already noticed what I was holding.
"It's rare for you to drink that," he mentioned.
"It's perfect for sugar and energy replenishment," I retorted.
I gave him that reasoning, but my own words sounded unconvincing even to myself. As I was about to say something to follow up, Hikigaya seemed to be unconcerned.
He stared at the soccer court, seemingly in thought. The chilly winds rustled his hair lightly, but he hardly seemed to mind. He did not seem perturbed by the cold outdoors in the slightest.
The both of us had found ourselves in the courtyard, but it seemed like we had different reasons.
Then, he turned to me again. He motioned with his eyes, toward the space next to me. He was wordlessly asking if he could take a seat as well. I nodded and gave him some space. He sat down, filling the empty gap that I had created. There was a fair amount of space between us, but I could somehow feel the immaterial heat emanating from a second person.
"Taking a break?" he asked.
"Yes, in order to get some fresh air outdoors," I answered.
My words seemed somewhat generic, but it had plenty of truth. When several bodies occupied one room for a long time, the air would become unbearable if one was paying attention. It didn't help that Isshiki had a strong heater operating. Unfortunately, I was too busy to even notice how unpleasant it was being stuck in that room.
"I know, right," said Hikigaya, "That heater is so effective that people can easily get drowsy from it."
"Well, with that reasoning, it looks like you always stay in a heated room, am I right?" I spoke, "I'm a little worried about the electricity bill."
Hikigaya Hachiman always wore a depressed, seemingly sleep-deprived face. Maybe his lack of wakefulness was due to over-reliance on a heater.
"Don't worry. It all gets balanced out by the coldness coming from other people's indifferent, nonchalant gazes on me," he proudly responded.
"You really live an eco-friendly life," I spoke in mock praise.
With a raised voice, he said, "Well, having this hot-and-cold pattern is great, certainly even better in a sauna room. It gets my life in order."
Skeptically, I expressed, "I wonder if you know the correct usage of 'get something in order'."
Constant fluctuations up and down a point of thermal equilibrium could hardly be called "in order", even if the average zeroed out. Actually, he should be speaking of preparedness or proper arrangement, rather than stability or equilibrium.
"No, maybe I don't. However, everyone says 'saunas get one's life in order'. In fact, after going between the steam room and the cold bath, you go through something called an 'air bath', right? As far as I know, people always say 'air baths get one's life in order'."
He finished with a triumphant look, nodding to himself like a pompous orator.
"You seem to have no intention of getting your grammar in order… I have no idea what you are talking about. Not a single idea," I said, defeated.
Health benefits of a sauna, traditional processes, refinement, his words confusingly conveyed something along those lines, but it ultimately led nothing concrete. It did not help that he thrashed around his usage of language like a ragged doll. His tone of voice made it seem somewhat convincing, but in the end, none of it made much sense.
It was simply his usual sophistry. It was just our usual banter. Back-and-forth we went, speaking of the mundane and inane in ways so convoluted that it was harder to untangle than a pile of cables. In the beginning, we went for each other's throats quite ferociously. In the past months, it had softened to a more amicable level. Though, none of that changed the ridiculousness of it all.
Not even our current competition changed things. Rather, the competition reinforced it. Us two fools were sitting together closely on this bench, smiling brazenly.
"How's it going?" he asked, "I mean, the proposal."
He suddenly broke form, becoming quite frank, leaving me dumbfounded for a moment.
"…How rare it is that you start to care about others," I murmured in surprise.
"It's not like that. Of course, I have to study my enemy," he declared with a stony expression.
That was clearly an excuse. From anyone else, such words would leave you confused. Coming from Hikigaya, however, it was clearly to cover up any awkwardness, or to prevent himself from breaking his stoic image.
I found it quite amusing, and I couldn't stop myself from smirking.
I let him know that preparations have been moving along smoothly. Now, we could be worried about deployment.
Hikigaya nodded in satisfaction.
"That makes me so jealous… Well, don't force yourself too much," he spoke, "Just use Isshiki as much as you can, even if it means crushing her completely. After all, she has the potential to become a great wage slave."
"I don't need you to tell me that. That's what I'm going to do, anyway," I cracked.
Isshiki still had a long way to go, but I couldn't deny that she held potential. She had been working hard recently, and she should definitely be able to handle a little more work, as we approached the deadline.
That was enough about me. I was curious about what Hikigaya was up to. Of course, I didn't expect him to divulge all of the details, given our current situation.
When I asked him, he replied, "Well, it's going as planned. We managed to finish just the right amount of work and proceed without working overtime. I just have one more thing to do after this — something outdoors that I don't know how long it'll take. Once that's done, I'm heading straight home and will get the rest of my work done there."
He had an uneasy look on his face. Furthermore, he didn't speak with much confidence. The only thing good thing was that he had somehow found a team to work with.
"Sounds like only the 'time management' part is going well for you," I said, before sighing.
Hanging on by his finger tips and pulling off something drastic in the end was the usual for Hikigaya. While we all tried to follow an agreed-upon plan, Hikigaya would usually think of something on his own. If the first plan were to fall to pieces, as they usually did, he would need to use his secondary plan.
That was why, despite the impression that he gave, he always put in twice as much effort as everyone else.
"You don't even have to work that hard, you know," I sullenly spoke.
"…I have come this far by forcing myself to work hard," he responded, "You know that this is normal for me."
"I see."
It was a matter of fact that Hikigaya worked hard. We rarely spoke about it directly, but we have acknowledged this fact countless times. That was why it was pointless to say anything else.
Persisting through with such thankless single-mindedness, even if it led to our current misguidedness, I couldn't dislike it.
Then, just for a little bit, I could show some appreciation. I withdrew the can of MAX Coffee from my coat. I presented it to Hikigaya.
"Please…"
He became a little surprised, but I urged him to take it. He put his hand over the can and gently took it.
"Ah, thanks a lot… wait, but why?" he murmured.
"You still have work to do after this, right? I'm just out here to take a break. I'll go drink something once I go back," I spoke earnestly.
I stood up to prevent him from having second thoughts. Unfortunately, he anticipated this movement. He stood up as well and stopped me with a hand gesture.
"Wait a second… Eh, what should I get for you, then?" he quickly spoke.
He reached deep into his pockets, jingling the coins within. Despite how he would always say that he appreciated free goods and free labour, he had acted quickly to return goodwill. However, attaining goodwill in return was not my intention.
"It's okay. Keep the money for yourself and buy some treat for the others," I said, shaking my head.
"No, it makes no sense if only I get treated. If you are treating me to a drink to provide me with moral support, then I have to properly return the favour. That's good manners," he argued, "Can I get the same thing for you? I was planning on getting a can of MAX Coffee, anyway."
I sighed. He always wanted to make things more difficult than they needed to be.
"Nothing but sophism…" I muttered.
If I were to argue back, then he would come around with another long-winded rant. Even if I were to fire back with something logical, he would return with another platter of ridiculous excuses. I wondered how we never tired of such these back-and-forth shots.
Although, if Hikigaya wanted so badly to return the favour, I didn't have a good enough reason to continue opposing it. I relented and sat back down.
"Then, the same thing for me please," I requested.
Hikigaya nodded, looking pleased with himself. Then, he jogged over to the vending machine, possessed by some unknown euphoria. Several practiced motions of money-exchanging and product-selection motions later, another can of MAX Coffee came into his hands. Coming back to me, he presented me the new can, but not before warning me about its high temperature.
"Thank you…" I spoke.
He shook his head, seeming a little too happy. I supposed that being able to share his MAX obsession with someone else brought him great joy. I could understand, though. No one that I was close with appreciated Destinyland's lore as much as I did, so I was unable to discuss them with anyone other than forum users on the Internet.
He returned to his place next to me, on the bench. He took several sips of his MAX Coffee. My own can remained in my hands, unopened, keeping my hands warm.
Our conversation dried up. We were not particularly talkative people in the first place. A few times, I tried to say something, but the words stopped, remaining as fleeting thoughts. In the end, we were simply content to pass the time quietly.
The rustling of his clothes as he readjusted his posture every so often, the rhythmic tapping of his feet, and his occasional sips of coffee — I observed all of it in the periphery of my vision. He was next to me again. Even though we had not spoken for only a few days, I had, in the back of my mind, began to crave our pointless conversations, and even our current silence.
Chilly winds continued to rustle my hair, but I held enough warmth not to shiver.
Suddenly, the tranquility was broken by the familiar sound of vibration. Craning my head to the left, I saw Hikigaya withdrawing his smartphone from his pocket. It seemed like he was receiving a call.
"Excuse me," he apologized.
I shook my head to indicate that I was fine with it. However, right before he could answer the call, the call was dropped.
Before we could wonder what was happening, the sound of quick footsteps approached us. The one who had appeared was, surprisingly, Yuigahama Yui.
"Good evening, Yuigahama-san," I greeted her.
Just as I hadn't seen Hikigaya for a while, I had also been away from Yuigahama.
"Good evening… Yahallo, Yukinon!" she greeted me back with a wave.
Hikigaya asked her, "What's up? Heard anything from Hayama?"
"Right. He wanted me to tell you that we can get dinner and take our time to talk," she cheerfully replied.
Hikigaya nodded and assumed a more serious expression. He quickly finished the remaining contents of his can of coffee, albeit having become lukewarm by now. He stood up from the bench.
"Work?"
"Yeah," he curtly spoke.
That was my cue as well. More than enough time taken for my break has passed. I stored away my MAX Coffee in my coat and stood up as well.
"I'm also going back to work," I said.
It seemed like Yuigahama arranged something for her and Hikigaya to do together. I was not about to get in the way of that. I tried to swiftly sneak past Yuigahama.
"Wait!" exclaimed Yuigahama.
My hand was caught. Surprised, I froze in place. Turning my head, I saw Yuigahama holding a distraught expression at first. Then, as she met my eyes, that distraught turned to embarrassment. She ruffled her hair bun with nervousness.
"I feel like, for some reason, we haven't seen each other for a long time. It's strange… I wonder, for how many days haven't we met each other?" she spoke.
It was not as though we didn't keep in touch at all, but communication between us had been mostly electronic. I supposed that we hadn't exchanged anything of substance, though.
"Right… I was so occupied with my work that I couldn't find any spare time," I responded.
Yuigahama looked unconvinced. She tilted her head downward and sullenly stared at the floor.
"No, I don't think that's the reason," she murmured, "Am I being… deliberately avoided?"
After saying that, she peeked at me with imploring eyes. She was not acting with curiosity. Rather, it felt as if she was seeking confirmation for what she had already deduced for herself.
I hurriedly spoke, "I'm not. That's not the case. It's just that there's so much communication going in and out about the prom preparations and criticisms against the prom. I've had too many things to deal with…"
My voice faltered. I realized that what came out of my mouth were little more than excuses. Even though they were true to some extent, they contained little of the truth that Yuigahama wanted to know.
"Erm, sure, right. I'm sorry…" apologized Yuigahama.
She seemed unconvinced, but she simultaneously looked at me with worry. Even though I was unable to tell her what she wanted to hear, she took my busyness to heart and worried for my wellbeing.
I had intended to give Yuigahama the opportunity she needed to fulfill what she wanted.
"Hey—"
Hikigaya was about to say something, having a look of dread. However, he was instantly interrupted by Yuigahama.
"Yukinon. I am actually helping Hikki."
I gasped.
I understood immediately. She was not aiding Hikigaya as a one-time event, or out of benevolence as a neutral party. Rather, she had decided to side with Hikigaya altogether.
For a moment, I was caught in a daze, holding my breath as if the air around me had no oxygen.
"Oh… Did I not tell you?" nervously spoke Hikigaya.
He held a guilty expression, as if he thought that he had committed a wrongdoing.
I was astonished. However, I accepted it. I grasped Yuigahama's hands tightly.
"Don't worry about it," I gently spoke, "I understand."
It was foolish of me to assume that Yuigahama would stay at the sidelines. When Hikigaya and I used to compete more often in the beginning, she would often get caught in the crossfire, though she never showed any favouritism.
Yet, things have changed. Yuigahama had kept her desires to herself this entire time. I had given her an opportunity to act on it, and she did so. I shouldn't have assumed that she would have acted less drastically.
"…No, I don't think you do," spoke Yuigahama in anguish, "I was thinking about doing it all properly. When we're finish with everything, I will make it all right. That's why…"
Squeezing my hands back, Yuigahama looked directly into my eyes with utmost earnestness.
"That's why, I will make sure your wish will never come true."
She looked pained, but she stared unflinchingly at me. Yuigahama held no regrets, and she fully intended to follow through with her desires now.
"…I see. But I do hope that your wish comes true, though," I responded.
I did not say that to feel better about myself or to placate her. As much as Yuigahama wanted the best for me, I also wanted the best for her.
However, Yuigahama clung closer to me.
"Do you actually… know my wish? Are you sure you understand what it is?" desperately spoke Yuigahama.
"Yes. I think it's probably the same as mine," I told her clearly.
Wanting everything.
Wanting things to endure forever.
Wanting what we couldn't possibly have.
They were childlike dreams that couldn't possibly survive in the cruelness of reality. I understood those desires painfully well.
"I see… then… it's okay," mumbled Yuigahama.
But the angle at which we approached our desires wasn't exactly the same. Thus, Yuigahama didn't look fully convinced.
We chose words that applied to the both of us. Yet, we interpreted them differently, in our own ways.
I left my own desires as pipe dreams. Yuigahama clearly intended to make hers a reality.
Yuigahama's hands left mine, and she took a step back. She smiled thinly, lacking in energy.
I took the opportunity to leave. I turned my back towards the two of them, said my goodbyes, and walked in the direction of the school building.
Feelings that grew and grew like spreading vines — soon, they will fill up the space and displace everything else.
Just as I was about to reach the door, a rush of footsteps encroached on me from behind. Before I could investigate, I was thrust into an embrace. My breath was taken away, as if all of the air was squeezed out of my lungs.
It hardly needed to be said who had taken me into an embrace. There was only one such person in the world who would do so to me.
Her face was buried into my coat. Though there were several layers of clothing in the way, the warmth of her body was more than evident.
"When the prom is over, we should get lunch together. Besides, that I'd like to stay overnight at your apartment again. When spring comes, we'll go to Destinyland together, and we'll go to the aquarium again. After that, we can all stay overnight at my place. And then, when it's April…"
Her voice was muffled, but her words entered my ears with perfect clarity. It was a tear-stricken plea but without the physical tears.
"What should we do in April? We could do all sorts of things. So much to do that it could take us years or decades."
There was so much that she wanted that she was unable to articulate all of it.
"That's… that's really a lot to do…" I said hesitantly, "I wonder if we can actually do it all."
"We can! We'll be together until we finish doing all of it… So, it's not a problem," she spoke with exuberance.
It was not a promise. It was but a wish. However, if I said that aloud, perhaps Yuigahama really would make a promise.
"Do you understand?" she asked me.
She brought herself even closer to me. I was surprised that two people could physically come this close together. She rested her cheek less on my shoulder and more on my neck.
"Yes, I understand. I understand it," I replied.
She wanted everything. Nothing was excluded. All that had transpired, the present that will come to pass within a short time, and even the future filled with uncertainty — she filled all of it with her wishes.
I realized that Yuigahama did not have just a few wishes. Her wishes were uncountable. That was why only having everything could satisfy her. Continuing to spend time together with me — that was also included.
"Like really understand it, crystal clear?" she asked again.
"Yes… yes. So, could you just release me a little bit…"
With some reluctance, Yuigahama slowly released the embrace. She slowly drew herself away, but she seemed ready to pounce on me again.
Yuigahama couldn't compile all of her wishes into a singular desire, thus she showered upon me as many of those wishes that she could.
In the same way, it was difficult for me to tell both her and Hikigaya what I desired. To stand on my own, to shatter the codependency, to become worthy of succeeding my father, all of those were also individual wishes that could not be summed up to a single desire. Within that vortex, there were wishes that I dared not even tell to myself.
I was bounded by a boundary of logic and rationality of my own making. I dared not step outside it, as I treated it as taboo. But for Yuigahama, who truly wanted everything, she was willing to surpass such boundaries.
At a distance away, Hikigaya looked fondly over at Yuigahama and me. Even from this distance, I was able to discern the rising determination in his eyes.