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Hey, guys-
So, I'm sure ya'll know the drill by now, but PLEASE read the warnings. This chapter deals with most of trigger warnings listed there (including the triggers related to suicide attempts), so make sure that you'll be okay with reading this before you do.
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Janus wasn't sure how long he had been in his room at this point. He knew it had been a while, but the longer he stayed there, the more scared he was of leaving. He was sure that, by now, the others would be mad at him for dragging this on so long. They would be mad at him for pulling this. Or they would be worried about him, and when they saw that he was fine and just being dramatic because he was afraid to leave his room, then they would be mad.
He looked down at the bottle in his hands. He knew this was stupid. He knew there wasn't a point in doing what his thoughts were encouraging him to do. It wouldn't work. He knew it wouldn't. He'd already tried this a few years ago, and all it did was make him go unconscious for a while, and then he woke up feeling the worst he ever had in his life. It wouldn't help anything.
But still, his mind taunted him, telling him that he should do it anyway. At least the unconsciousness would give him a break from his spiraling thoughts. Maybe he'd feel better afterward. Maybe it would help him settle his emotions.
Maybe, this time, it would work.
For what must have been at least the tenth time, he poured out the capsules onto his carpet in front of where he was sitting. One by one, he counted them all, putting them into neat little rows. 31. 31 pills, which he already knew. 31 pills because, the day before, he'd had 34, and he'd taken 3 of them before backing out. 31 pills. He knew that 16 of them would probably be enough to cause an overdose if he was real and not a side. He had almost twice that, but he knew that wouldn't be enough to actually kill him.
Janus took a deep breath in and stared at his little lines of tiny, white pills. He scooped a few into his hand and continued staring at them.
They wouldn't miss you. They'd be happier without you. They don't need a deceptive, lying snake to keep hanging around them. They would be happier without you here. Thomas would be a better person if you were gone.
He took another breath in, shakier this time. Another breath, deep and slow.
And then he brought his hand to the open top of the pill bottle and dropped them inside. It only took a minute for him to finish putting them all away.
He shook his head at himself before reaching over to put the bottle down on his coffee table.
When the next knock came at the door, it was both Logan and Remus, and Janus jumped at the sound of their voices.
"Dee! Are you okay?"
"Janus, we are deeply concerned for your safety."
He winced at the way their voices sounded. He knew what Remus sounded like when he had been crying, and Logan's superficially cool, even tone was underlaid with exhaustion and fear. Guilt ate at him. They sounded like that because of him, didn't they?
But as he was considering whether he should respond or not, Logan continued talking.
"Janus, if you don't open your door and come out, we are going to have to force it open," Logan informed him. "We were trying to avoid that, but new information has increased our level of concern."
New information?
"... I'm sorry, DeeDee," Remus apologized. "I know I promised I wouldn't tell, but I'm… I'm scared you'll do it again. Please… Please come out."
His heart filled with ice as panic threatened to overtake his mind.
"We are entirely serious about our threat to break the door down. So, please, just let us in, Janus."
He knew they were serious. How many times had Remus broken his door down over the years? But he was scared, and the panic that loomed over him wasn't making it any easier to respond. His breath started speeding up.
They knocked again.
"Janus."
He was frozen. He couldn't get up, couldn't open the door.
More knocking.
He knew he should at least say something, maybe try to convince them that he was fine and that they should go, but he couldn't breathe-
"We're going to have to break it."
And then he started hearing the slamming sound of Remus trying to break the door down, and he was scared, and he didn't know what they would do, but it was going to be something bad, and he was shaking, and he couldn't breathe, he couldn't move and-
Remus's morningstar broke through the wood of his door, making a hole big enough for Remus to stick his hand through and unlatch the lock. He wanted to run- even though he knew Remus was his friend and wasn't there to hurt him, he wanted to get up, run away and hide. But he was frozen where he was, curled up on the floor, head tucked between his knees and hands covering his ears.
And then there were footsteps and voices and hands touching him, and he just wanted to get away, just wanted everything to stop-
"Janus, listen to my voice. Do you hear me?"
He jerked away, trying to get away from whatever was touching him.
"Don't!"
"Okay. I won't touch you. But you have to breathe. Try to follow along with me, alright?"
He heard Logan breathing loudly a few times.
"Janus, you have to try, alright?"
"Dee…"
Janus gasped, choking. How was he supposed to breathe like Logan when he couldn't even breathe at all?
"Let's try again, alright? Breathe in."
He tried. It didn't work, but he tried.
"Okay, that was good. Let's try again now."
Logan guided him through his breathing, just as Virgil had after his appointment with Emile, until he had calmed down enough to be able to breathe on his own. And when he had, Janus only barely managed to keep himself from plummeting right back into panic.
He felt a light touch on one of his hands, though he didn't flinch away this time.
"It's alright, Janus. Can you understand me? You had a panic attack, but you're going to be okay."
Slowly, Janus nodded.
"Okay. Just keep breathing, alright?"
And then Logan turned to Remus.
"We should bring him back to the common room. I don't think it's wise to leave him in a room we can't sink into, even if the door is broken for now."
Janus was too tired to point out to Logan that he wasn't exactly great at repairing stuff (Remus was the one who always had to fix his door after breaking it), and even if he was, he was too exhausted to do anything right now. With the panic leaving his body, Janus found it being quickly replaced by a fatigue that he only felt in circumstances like this.
He felt himself being lifted up, despite his weak attempts at protesting. Then he was being carried out of his room.
Janus fell asleep before they reached their destination.
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