Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 35: The Sister Goddesses (Brother Gods R63), or: The Gods Must be Crazy!
"Jaune, do it while she's busy!"
Jaune didn't need to be told twice – seeing Ruby barely managing to hold Salem back was more than enough of a warning as to what he needed to do. Wasting no time, he ran towards the Relics, pushing them all together while Ruby kept blasting Salem with her eyes.
Thankfully, it had the desired effect. The Relics began to emit a bright light before firing a big beam up into the sky. The entire Grimmlands was illuminated for several seconds as the white light shot through the atmosphere, colliding with the moon and causing it to glow.
And as soon as it started, it was all over. There was a flash of light, and standing in the center of Salem's throne room, there were two figures – one of gold, and the other of purple.
The Goddess of Darkness, and the Goddess of Light.
Everyone froze in awe at the two of them, and not merely because they were both divinity made flesh. Rather, it was because of… something else.
"Okay," Nora said. "I knew they'd be naked, but damn."
Damn was right. For faceless beings of pure holiness, the Goddesses were actually fine. Then again, that probably went without saying, given that they were both, you know, Goddesses.
"We have omnipotence, you know," Light suddenly stated. "We can read your thoughts, Jaune Arc."
Jaune blushed, and Weiss began to fume and sputter at him.
"Really? Really?!"
"I can't help it!" Jaune protested. "You're a girl, you don't understand! The D has a mind of its own!"
"They can wipe the world out with just a flick of their wrists, Jaune! Do you really want to risk fucking with that?"
"Well..."
"Ugh, you're unbelievable! Ruby, tell him he's being unbelievable!"
"You're being unbelievable," Ruby stated.
"Thank you!" Weiss paused, then whipped around to face her. "Wait, why aren't you fighting Salem?"
"Why would we fight? I'm pretty sure we both wanted to summon the Goddesses in the first place."
"She's right," Salem said, nodding. "We both kind of wanted the same thing, here."
"Wait, then why were we fighting in the first place?" Blake questioned. "If we both wanted to summon the Goddesses, why didn't we just… you know… summon the Goddesses?"
They all scratched their heads for a second before looking to said Goddesses, searching for an answer. Both Light and Darkness shrugged.
"We may be beings of infinite divinity and omnipotence, but honestly, you're all just dumb as fuck," Darkness admitted. "I'm tempted to wipe the world clean again just to make sure none of you get the chance to procreate."
"Sister, please," Light said. "If we do wipe the world, it'll be because it's still shitty, not because they're stupid."
"Stupidity contributes to it being shitty, though."
"Point."
"You know, for Goddesses, you're not exactly acting all that divine," Yang pointed out. "I thought you guys were suppose to be, you know, holy. But I don't see any angels, hear any chanting, or any of that. All you've done is show up, cuss up a storm, and talk mad shit."
"If you want angels, we can always make you an angel," Darkness offered. "Like, the Biblical kind. Make you into a wheel covered in thousands of eyes. Would you like that, bimbo?"
"Sister, please," Light said, causing Darkness to settle down. When she had, Light looked back out towards the crowd. "Anyway, we're here now. I suppose you want us to judge the world?"
"If you'd be so kind," Salem said.
"...Would someone else mind making the offer instead of her? We kind of have a thing against her given that she, you know, tried to kill us."
"That was really, really stupid of you, by the way," Darkness interjected. "Seriously, what were you thinking? Did you honestly believe that your magic – that we gave you, by the way – was going to be enough to stop literal gods?"
"Yes," Salem said.
Darkness just shook her head. "This shit right here is why we cursed you. And I'll be honest, at first, I intended to just leave you here surrounded by Grimm and nothing else, but then humanity had to be persistent bastards and rise from the dust, so I guess that didn't happen. Also, do we have any Faunus here?"
"Present," Blake offered.
"Okay, good. What the fuck is with you guys, anyway? I'm pretty sure we didn't make you guys. The only explanation I can think of is that someone fucked a goat at some point and the streams got crossed, so to speak." She paused, then looked over to Salem. "...Girl, you're really sick, you know that?"
"Are you insinuating something?" Salem asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, that you fuck goats and made the Faunus out of it. Speaking of which, hey, who's interested in some bizarre biology facts about Salem? I know I am, so here goes. Did you know that because Salem can regenerate, she's still technically a virgin? That means you get the pleasure of deflowering her every time. Hot, isn't it?"
"I'm gonna be sick," Ren said, clutching his stomach.
"What, the Grimm lady doesn't do it for you? Damn, tough crowd. Speaking of Grimm lady, what the fuck were you thinking, lady? I get that you wanted to die, but literally bathing in my pool of destruction is a bridge too far."
"I'm actually afraid to ask why," Jaune said.
"Let me put it this way: you know how, when some idiot kid pees in the public swimming pool, you have to go in and drain the whole pool? Yeah, it's pretty much like that. I could have gone without having some immortal thot moron swimming in my essence and trying to kill herself with it, thank you very much."
"Look, can we move on to just judging the world already?" Light asked, impatient.
"Oh, keep your panties on, sister."
"We're not wearing panties, sister."
"Whatever, you get my point. Hurry up and pass judgment over the world already so I can go back to fucking with the other one."
"You act as if you've already rendered judgment."
"I have."
"That was thousands of years ago!"
"Yeah, and this place is still a total shithole. Unless you had a different opinion?"
"...Not really, to be honest." Light shrugged, then looked down at Jaune and his friends. "Really, you people are just bad at this. We gave you how long to unfuck yourselves, and you've still failed to do it?"
"In our defense, you didn't make it easy on us," Ozpin pointed out. "You kind of just told us to fix it, then fucked off. The Grimm were still there, and worse than that, they had a leader."
"I fail to see how any of that is our fault."
"I mean, you did make her immortal and leave us with no way to deal with that. You had to know that she was just going to double down on her insanity. You are omnipotent, after all."
"Okay, time out," Jaune said. "Can we at least plead our case for a bit? And I don't mean letting Ozpin do it, because he's worthless and sucks at everything."
"Okay, sure," Darkness replied. "You've got sixty seconds."
"I didn't mean make me do it!"
"Fifty-nine."
"Argh, fine! Look, I'll be the first to admit that humanity as a whole is a gigantic pack of dicks, but honestly, we've earned a place on this rock, don't you think? We're a resilient bunch; that's gotta be worth something."
"So are cockroaches," Light pointed out.
"Why did you guys make those things, anyway?" Blake questioned. "Same with mosquitoes. They don't bring anything but misery to the rest of us. You could have easily not made them and let us off a little bit easier."
"Yeah, but it was funnier this way," Darkness said.
"What's funny about insects that spread disease?"
"Only everything. You don't get it, but trust me, we throw some wild parties in the afterlife. You really have no idea. Which reminds me." Darkness turned towards Ruby. "Your mom's an absolute riot."
Ruby's jaw dropped. "M-Mom!?"
"Yup. She's the life of every party up there, it's fucking insane. Shame she never sticks around when the pants start coming off, though – apparently she doesn't know your dad got back with that bird bitch."
"Thirty seconds, sister," Light pointed out.
"Wait, wait," Jaune said. "Okay, clearly this isn't going the way we hoped."
"I'll say. You're all as shit at pleading your case as you are at fixing your broke-ass planet."
"That you broke," Weiss interjected.
"Just for that, you now have fifteen seconds."
"Okay, hold on!" Jaune exclaimed. "Think about this: You're literally giving Salem exactly what she wants by destroying the planet!"
"No they aren't," Salem quickly replied.
"It's no use lying to them, they're omnipotent."
"He's right, you know," Darkness said. "Sister, do we really want to justify Salem's bad behavior any further?"
"I don't know, maybe an eternity spent in solitude will help fix her," Light answered.
"We already tried that, and it ended with her fucking a goat."
"I never confirmed that, by the way," Salem said.
"You never denied it, either. And are you really going to argue with someone who has omnipotence?"
"Is this an actual thing that happened?" Yang asked. "Because I feel like you're both just blowing smoke up our asses with that."
Darkness shrugged. "Who knows? Not you. Not for sure, at least. And we're gonna keep it that way, because it's funnier to us."
"Time's up," Light declared before turning to her sister. "So, what's the verdict?"
"Honestly, I don't know. Part of me wants to turn this planet into the next Namek minus the whole thing with it coming back in the end, but like I already said, I don't want to justify Salem's bad behavior anymore."
"Yes you do," Salem said.
"Uh, nice try, but my omnipotence says I don't."
"Damn."
"Damn indeed," Light replied before looking back at the rest of them. "To be honest, I really don't care either way. I mean, yeah, I was really asspained that you all rebelled against us in the first place, both because it was really insulting and because it was really, really stupid. What were you all thinking, anyway? We literally gave you your magic, yet you somehow thought you'd be able to take us down with it? Talk about placing your bets on the wrong horse. I'm glad we collectively punished your stupid asses – retardation like that deserves a planet-wide Darwin Award."
"I'd like to point out that technically, that wasn't the current incarnation of humanity," Jaune said.
"Yeah, which is part of why it no longer feels right to smite all of you. I mean, y'all don't even got magic no more, that's enough of a punishment in my eyes." She crossed her arms. "So, looks like we're in agreement, then. Remnant gets to stay."
They all breathed a sigh of relief at that except Salem, who pouted. "What, not even a few plagues to go around?" she asked.
"Nope."
"Just a few locusts."
"Nuh-uh."
"Maybe a famine or two?"
"Negative."
"I'll even settle for the deaths of all firstborn male children."
"You'll settle for nothing and like it. And don't say it was worth a shot – it really, really wasn't. Now you're just coming off like a spiteful bitch."
"...What am I supposed to do, then?" Salem questioned.
"You could always try actually learning your lesson, therefore sparing yourself and your ex-husband from having to endlessly walk the face of Remnant until the sun burns out. I mean, it's only the exact thing we told you to do, but you're too fucking petty to actually do it."
"What, and risk getting some actual good character development? Come on, this isn't early RWBY anymore. What you ask is impossible."
"You know what? That's a fair comment. So, here's some advice: take a break from the whole evil thing. Go find yourself a nice dick to hop on for a bit, preferably without biting the guy's head off like a praying mantis afterwards, or whatever it is you think is aftercare."
"And no goats this time, either," Darkness added.
"Yeah, that too."
"So, is that it, then?" Ruby questioned. "The world is saved, right? We don't have to worry about you both deciding to just kill us all?"
"Nah, you're good," Darkness replied. "Of course, we're not doing this for free."
They all exchanged a worried glance at that. "...Okay," Yang said, tentative. "What do you want, then?"
"Well, it's been quite some time since we let the good times roll, so to speak," Light admitted. "We're both a little pent-up. So how about a night of pure passion with your friend there?"
She motioned to Jaune, who blinked before checking behind himself to make sure nobody was standing behind him. He found that it was clear… and then checked again, and then a third time, just to be sure.
"You can't be serious," Weiss deadpanned.
Light shrugged. "Hey, he's a pretty handsome guy."
"Aren't you gods?" Nora asked. "You could literally invent the most perfect man to ever exist."
"Why are you all trying to ruin this for me?" Jaune questioned.
"Dude, think about what could happen if you don't satisfy them. What if they decide that they're not happy with your performance, and use that as an excuse to murderize the world all over again?"
"That won't happen," Darkness assured. "Trust us, Jaune is just about the studliest stud to have ever studded across the entire multiverse. Seriously, you have no idea how many alternate universes there are where he has a massive harem. The only other one who even comes close is some retard in an orange jumpsuit, and that guy got married in his original universe, so it really put a damper on things."
"What are you talking about?" Blake asked.
"Ah, forget it. Look, just let us borrow your friend for a night and we'll be good."
They all exchanged a glance again before Ruby frowned. "...Well, it's not like we can stop you-"
"Fantastic. So, if you don't mind, we're just gonna go get started here. Feel free to sit here and try to help Salem find a dick to jump on while we do."
"You could always let her have a turn with Jaune," Yang pointed out.
Everyone gave her an incredulous look, and she rolled her eyes. "Oh, like you all weren't thinking it, too."
"A tempting offer, if only because it would kill two birds with one stone, but I'm afraid Jaune's dick might be a bit too potent for her. After all, it's been a few thousand years," Light said.
"Dude, aren't you a virgin?" Ruby asked Jaune.
"...Yeah?" Jaune replied. "I really don't get why they're insisting I'm some kind of memetic sex god when the closest I've gotten is a kiss from Pyrrha." He thought of something, then looked back to Darkness and Light. "Say, would it be too much trouble-"
"Yes," Light answered immediately.
"You haven't even heard what I'm about to ask."
"Dude, we're omnipotent," Darkness pointed out. "And we're not reviving your absolute beta orbiter of a teammate, or did you forget that that's kind of what got us into this mess in the first place? Still, props for being ballsy – not many people would see the landmine that ended their world once already and be so willing to jump on it. I'd say I hope your dick is as big as your balls are, but I kind of already know the answer to that."
"This is way, way too TMI," Weiss said, shuddering.
"Oh, you think that's bad, Ice Queen? Here, I'll give you a better picture: imagine a jumbo-size bratwurst, with veins."
"Can you people just go already?" Blake asked as Weiss dry-heaved. "We'll just… help Salem get laid, or something. Fuck me, today started off weird and just got weirder and weirder..."
"You're telling me," Salem said. "I literally just found out how little my plans actually made sense, and am now coming to terms with the fact that the only solution is to hop on the closest dick I can, after which I will likely die as my curse will be lifted."
"That's okay – we can find someone who isn't looking for commitment, so you won't be missed," Yang assured her.
"Oh, good. For a moment there I was worried that there was no hope."
"Girl, you underestimate how horny the average man is. Those guys will fuck anything if it comes on to them hard enough. Hell, Jaune is about to fuck two literal gods. I think we can find someone on Remnant thirsty enough to blow the cobwebs out of you, so to speak."
"Yes, yes, that's great and all," Darkness said, impatient. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna transport you all somewhere else now."
She snapped her fingers, and everyone except Jaune disappeared. He felt a sudden chill and looked down to find that he was now naked. With a yelp, he covered himself, though the two Goddesses in front of him merely chuckled, closing in on him like predators with a piece of fresh meat. He swallowed nervously.
"Uh… I suppose it wouldn't help if I asked you to be gentle?"
They both shook their heads, and he frowned. "...Alright, fine, let's just get it over-"
He never even got a chance to finish his statement before they pounced on him.
Hours later, Jaune was lying in bed with a Goddess in each arm, staring up at the ceiling with wide eyes. He blinked once, then cast a glance at each of them.
"...Alright, I'm not gonna lie: That wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be."
"Oh, ye of little faith," Light said, tracing circles on his chest. "It was good for me too, by the way."
"Same," Darkness agreed. "I must admit, it's been so long that I'd forgotten about how nice the pleasures of the flesh could be."
Yeah, on a certain level, it was weird as shit. Banging divine beings in order to save the world definitely hadn't been in his plans until it, you know, actually happened. But here he was, lying in bed with the two of them on either side of him, basking in the afterglow.
To put it simply, it had been blow-your-pants-off good, which was surprising given how fucking weird the whole situation was. He still wasn't sure exactly how the entire thing had worked, either – the Goddesses didn't even have genitals from what he could see, or faces for that matter. But somehow he had still felt everything he should have, and they had liked it.
Then again, who was he to question divinity? To say nothing of the fact that this was really looking a gift horse in the mouth.
"So, what now?" Jaune asked.
"Ready for round two?" Darkness asked.
"Uh, no."
"Why not? Are we not good enough for you or something?"
"Why ask that if you're omnipotent and already know the answer?"
"Because I want to hear you say it so I can fix it in a somewhat-funny way."
Well, he couldn't argue with that. "Alright, then. The male body isn't capable of just going back-to-back with this stuff, you know. We have to rest for a bit between sessions."
"Not anymore," Light said. "Zing, zang, you're now ready to bang."
She pointed at his groin, firing a small beam of magic at it. Normally Jaune would be worried about it melting his dick off or something, but in this case there was no need for that, because all it did was make him feel really fresh, like someone had just spiked his drink with an aphrodesiac.
"Huh," he acknowledged. "Thanks, Light."
"Was the rhyme really necessary, sister?" Darkness asked.
"No, but I figured I'd try out this human thing called humor," Light responded.
"You're terrible at it, but whatever. I'm too horny to care. Let's get freaky."
"Freaky how?" Jaune asked.
"Dude, we're literal gods. We can fulfill whatever desire you want, so long as it doesn't involve bringing dead people back to life."
"I'd be willing to bend that rule so long as it's in bed, actually," Light chimed in.
"Wait, for real?"
"Yeah, why not? Might as well get kinky, right?"
"But I thought this was your entire thing."
"It is, but if you can make it sexy, I'll make an exception."
"Define sexy and we'll see."
"Bringing back his dead friend for a nice four-way. I've always wanted to fuck a dead woman and have it not be necrophilia."
"Wait, does this mean you'll bring Pyrrha back?" Jaune asked, hopeful.
"Yeah, for like thirty minutes or so. I'm not bringing her back permanently. That'd be weird."
"Oh, really? That's the thing that pushes the envelope?"
"Yes, and I'll tell you why: because nobody wants Pyrrha back. They say they want Pyrrha back, but they really don't. Pyrrha was a boring character who did nothing from the start and the people only remember her because she had a crush on you and her death was somewhat tragic. If I bring her back, I'm undoing the thing that actually raised the stakes for this world, and where's the fun in that? I might as well bring Summer Rose back at that point."
"Also, between me and you, Pyrrha is actually living it up in the afterlife at the moment," Light chimed in. "Last I checked in, she was doing a kegstand while a young Maria Calavera held her feet up in the air."
"Wait, Maria's dead?" Jaune asked, surprised.
"Dude, that bitch was fucking ancient, did you really expect her to last through the fall of Atlas? She's literally been putting up death flags since V6, frankly I'm as amazed at her making it through V7 as I am at Qrow not dying of liver failure by V5."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm breaking the fourth wall, duh."
"The fourth wall?"
"Yeah, it's the thing that separates the fictional goings-on on the screen from the people reading it. The writer is including this joke because he's drawing a blank on where to take this conversation and figured this would be at least somewhat entertaining. He was wrong, of course, which is why the next exchange is going to have a Metal Gear Solid reference."
"Metal Gear Solid?"
"He's even doing the thing where Snake repeats the last thing a character said as a question, which makes him seem like a total autist, but it's okay because it's Snake. Unfortunately for the readers of this fic, the author is not Hideo Kojima, so this entire segment is coming off forced. Excuse me for a moment."
Light cleared her throat, then stared through the screen. "Dude, give it a rest already. You're taking this unfunny joke way too far."
What do you mean? I'm having a good time.
"Yeah, but your sense of humor sucks, you hack fraud. I'm surprised it took you thirty-five chapters before you got this desperate to do something like this. That's what you fucking get for writing by the seat of your pants."
You forget that I'm in control here. I can make you do whatever I want. Don't test me, bitch.
"You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big." Light turned to the audience. "Hello, loves. Enjoying the story? I'm not. You see, when he gets really impulsive and can't think of a way to keep going, Minaris kind of just lets the bourbon take over his writing for a bit, which is why this entire bit is going on for so long even though it isn't funny. I'd tell you all to call him a hack fraud in the review section but this shit doesn't warrant padding the review count, so what you ought to do is just point and laugh."
Okay, you know what? I don't have to sit here and take this garbage from a fictional character. Cue scene transition.
Jaune blinked, and to his surprise, he found himself back at Beacon. "Wait, what the fuck? What just happened?"
"Light got into it with the author," Darkness explained. "Try not to pay too much attention to the details."
"I don't understand. What author?"
"Trust me, you're better off not knowing."
"Sorry you had to see that, Jaune," Light said. "I get a bit heated, dealing with idiots."
"...Uh, sure," he replied, still not understanding. "So, what now?"
"Good question. Let me just check the script."
"Script?"
"Still doing the Solid Snake style of exposition, I see. You're lucky you're so cute. Give me a minute."
She pulled a stack of papers out of nowhere, then conjured a pair of reading glasses onto her face as she began to flip through them, nodding along as she read. "Ah, I see. Sister, I need you."
"What do you need?" Darkness asked.
"Well, I can see that this is now the point at which we're supposed to be fighting with each other over who can please Jaune better in bed."
"Is that supposed to happen now?"
"Apparently."
"But the pacing is so far off. That's the kind of thing that has to be established after a bit more time, to lull the audience into a false sense of security and normality before subverting their expectations with something weird."
"Not necessarily – if I recall, the Melanie and Miltia chapter sort of started off like that from the get-go."
"Yeah, but that chapter was shit."
"This whole fic is shit. What's your point?"
Jaune blinked as he stared at his two not-quite-girlfriends as they stared at the script and talked with each other. There were about a million questions on his mind, but this entire situation was so unprecedented and difficult to make sense of that he couldn't think of which one to even ask. So instead he stood there, waiting for an explanation that would never come.
"Alright," Light finally declared. "I think we can work with this."
She cleared her throat, then turned to her sister as she tossed the script and her reading glasses away. "Look, you hussie – we all know that I'm the superior sex goddess."
"Oh, are you?" Darkness asked, offended. "I'll have you know that I'm willing to do all kinds of freaky shit that you're not."
"Name one thing you can do that I'm not willing to do."
"Twincest."
"Twin-" Light paused. "…Wait, really?"
"I mean, if Jaune wants it."
"That's weird, sis."
"I know, but did you expect anything different from the Goddess of Darkness?"
"I didn't think you'd have the hots for me, that's for damn sure. Has this always been a thing?"
"For as long as I can remember."
"Huh. I wonder what Father would think about this."
"I'd ask him, but unfortunately he's not around anymore, having ascended to a higher plane of existence. But it's okay because he's in a better place now, one that's thankfully completely free of cats."
"Oh, thank him. I'd hate for him to ascend again."
"Wouldn't we all?"
"Okay, wait," Jaune said. "I'm… I'm so confused. I still don't get why we're back at Beacon."
"Because Beacon is where shenanigans happen," Light explained. "What, did you really think anything interesting was going to happen at the literal end of the world? There's nothing fun to explore there. All the opportunity for funny stuff happens here, specifically in the cafeteria. Speaking of which."
She snapped her fingers, and suddenly they were all at the cafeteria. Jaune blinked when he found himself seated at a table with a Goddess in each arm, and with all his friends around him, Pyrrha included. Seeing her here, he did a double take.
"P-Pyrrha?!"
"Oh, it's not really her," Darkness said. "Well, it is, but she's not actually alive."
"B-but-"
"Yeah, I know – you wanted her back, and I said I'd bring her back for a threesome, but this seemed so much funnier." Darkness leaned over and plunged her hand into the not-quite-alive Pyrrha's back. "Check it out, it's like Weekend At Bernie's." She began to move her hand, which caused Pyrrha's body to move, for some reason. "Jaune, I'm back from being disintegrated by Fire Bitch! Come sleep with me, I'm super thirsty! For some reason this is the sole piece of characterization I have that anybody actually cares about!"
"You are super messed-up," Ruby said, shying away from her.
Darkness turned to glare at her. "You aren't respecting my art! Ventriloquism is a very difficult thing to get right, I'll have you know. If you want, I could always just bring your mom back and do the same for her."
Ruby blinked, then looked over to Light. "Hey, quick question: If I blasted your sister with my silver eyes, what would happen?"
"She'd melt into a pile of goo before coming back, but if you'd like I can have Jaune supercharge the eyes for you using his semblance," Light offered. "It wouldn't permanently kill her or anything, but it'd hurt a lot more."
Darkness looked downright offended at that. "Sister! Why are you helping the humans plot against me?! I thought what we had was special!"
"Did you forget that we're supposed to be romantic rivals at this point in time? I'm just eliminating the competition."
Again confused, Jaune looked over to Blake. "Look, you read books," he said. "There has to be a way to stop this insanity."
"I'm actually at a loss here," Blake admitted. "I think our best bet is maybe getting them to destroy each other so we can get things back to normal."
"Would that work?"
"How should I know? I haven't had a functional love life in ever. I'm dating Yang right now, Jaune. That should tell you all you need to know."
Well, she was officially no help. Still, nothing ventured…
"I just want to say," Jaune began, "that Darkness gives better head than Light does."
"Jaune, sweetie," Light said. "I love you and all, but you're pressing your luck here. Are you really going to act like the woman who puppets your dead friend's body is a better anything than me?"
"Yeah, because it's true."
"Oh, you're so funny. That's why I like you, though."
"I don't think he's kidding, sister," Darkness said, proud. "I take that to mean that I actually do give better head."
"I disagree vehemently."
"Wait, pause," Weiss said. "Okay, you're all talking about giving head, but all I can wonder is how you're even able to give head when neither of you have mouths."
"Why are you asking about that instead of the obvious?" Nora questioned. She motioned to her left. "Like, for example, why is Salem here? She lost."
They all turned to Nora's left and found Salem sitting there, looking very confused. "...Yeah, I'd like an explanation on that, too," she said. "I know the plan was to get me laid-"
"Oh, that can be arranged," Darkness said. "Like I said, Beacon is where shenanigans happen. So, who'll it be, Salem? What lucky man is striking your fancy at the moment?"
"Well, I actually-"
"Go on, name anyone. I'll make it happen."
"This is all very sudden-"
"Oh, say no more – I understand completely. You've been on a ten-thousand year dry spell, so obviously you're worried that any amount of cock would be too much for you."
"I never said-"
"Fanservice with a side of crack pairing and yuri, you say? Well, alright, that can be arranged."
Darkness snapped her fingers. There was a bright flash of light, and when it cleared, Salem was no longer alone at the table. Rather, Neo was in her lap, dressed in only the thinnest of string bikinis. She blinked, then her eyes went wide as she tried to cover herself.
"Ah-ah-ah," Darkness chided, locking Neo in place with magic. "My dear, how would you like to be of great service to the world and do your civic duty to prevent an omnicidal maniac from getting everyone killed by sleeping with her?"
Neo blinked, as if she didn't understand the question… which she probably didn't, Jaune realized.
"Where'd you even take her from, anyway?" he questioned.
Darkness waved him off. "She was lounging on a beach somewhere, and I must say, she's got good taste – icing Cinder and then immediately fucking off to go chill on a beach in the middle of nowhere? The only thing missing was a mixed drink." Her eyes lit up. "Ooh, hang on!"
Again, she snapped her fingers. There was another bright light, and when it cleared, everyone was holding a mixed drink of some kind.
"Manhattans!" Darkness proudly declared.
"A Manhattan? What is it?" Ruby asked, eyeing her drink with caution.
"It's a big city in the New York metropolitan area, but that's not important right now. Anyway, drink up!"
"Is that wise?" Ren asked. "I already feel like I'm drunk and I haven't even had anything to drink yet. ...At least, I think; part of me is questioning whether or not you guys replaced my blood with pure ethanol and all this weird stuff is just the side effect of that."
"No, but that sounds like a good time," Darkness said.
"...I don't understand," Salem said, putting her drink down and looking at Neo. "Why did you bring this one here? And why put her in a string bikini?"
"For fanservice, duh," Darkness replied, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "Neo is only like the most fuckable character in this entire show, and everyone in the fandom knows it. So I took her off the beach and put her in a thin string bikini because I know the audience is going to go nuts over it, and that translates to more notoriety for the author."
"Why are you helping out that asshole?" Light asked.
"Because it pisses you off."
"...Alright, point conceded."
Again, Salem eyed Neo with curiosity. "...I mean, is she okay with this? I may be an omnicidal maniac who wants to wipe every living thing off the face of Remnant because my ex pissed me off, but I'm not a rapist."
"Take notes, kids," Darkness said, turning to the camera. "If someone tries to touch you in a place or in a way that makes you uncomfortable-"
She was cut off by her sister throwing her Manhattan into her face, rolling her eyes as she did so. "Sister, that meme is older than we are. Give it a rest."
Darkness wiped the drink off her faceless face before eyelessly glaring at her sister. "Sister, I'm just trying to pass on some much-needed knowledge."
"I think the audience is tired of tangents and just wants more Neo at this point."
"Wow, look at that, Neo takes over yet another chapter. What is this, the Roman Torchwick chapter all over again? What next, is she gonna get text-to-speech and quote a shitty DustTube video from like ten years ago?"
"...Fucking hell, has it really been ten years since that video came out?"
"Look it up."
"Damn..."
"Anyway, let's not get off track, here. We still need an answer from Neo on whether or not she consents to sleeping with Salem."
"Why do you need an answer?" Ruby questioned. "I thought you were omnipotent."
"We are, but it's so much hotter if we get her to actually admit it."
"You'll have a tough time with that, because she's mute," Ren pointed out.
"Dude, I know – omnipotent, remember? And besides, it's not a problem."
Darkness snapped her fingers, and a bright light enveloped Neo for a second. She blinked, then looked up at Darkness.
"The fuck did you just-"
She paused, having realized what was wrong. Eyes widening, she grasped at her throat before looking at Darkness in surprise. Darkness simply beamed.
"There, problem solved."
"Why does her voice sound so familiar?" Yang asked.
"Because I gave her Kana Hanazawa's voice, and she's in everything."
"Who's Kana Hanazawa?"
Darkness ignored her, instead looking back to Neo. "So, how's the new voice feel?"
Neo flipped her off. Darkness was unperturbed. "Great, great. So, are you ready to do your civic duty and sleep with the queen of all evil in order to save the world from destruction?"
"No," Neo replied.
"But it'd be hot."
"She's old enough to be my grandmother's grandmother's grandmother's grandmother's grandmother's grandmother's grandmother's grandmother's grandmother's grandmother's grandmother. Also, she's white as a bone and covered in black veins."
"And she fucks goats," Light chimed in.
"That too, apparently. Anyway, it'd be gross, like fucking a Grimm."
"What if you were both totally wasted and she was also in a string bikini?" Darkness asked.
Neo thought for a moment. "...Alright, I guess that would be kinda hot, then."
"Great! You know what that means – Long Island iced teas for everyone!"
There was another flash, and everyone Manhattans were replaced with a new drink.
"A Long Island? What is it" Weiss asked, peering into her glass.
"It's a densely populated island in the southeast part of the US state of New York, but that's not important right now. Anyway, drink up!"
Jaune was not surprised to see everyone down their drinks in a matter of seconds. He also wasn't surprised when Neo kept requesting refills, because come on, it's Salem. Sure, she had the body for it, but sleeping with her was going to be like being put through the wringer.
After downing his Long Island – whatever the hell it was – Jaune set his glass aside and looked back to the Goddesses, who were beaming with pride at the fact that everyone was now well on their way to getting completely shitfaced.
"So, what now?" he asked.
Light looked like she was about to respond, only to suddenly clam up and fall silent. "...I don't know," she admitted.
"You don't know?"
"Yeah, I don't know. I'm drawing a blank, here. Sister, do me a favor and check the script again."
"On it," Darkness reported, pulling a stack of papers from out of nowhere and beginning to read through them. "Hm… it says that now is the point in time where everyone gets completely hammered and we all have a big orgy in the middle of Beacon's cafeteria."
"Well, that's stupid. I say we change the script."
"For once, we agree on something besides the complete eradication of humans with magical abilities. This entire script reeks of cheap fanservice and stolen jokes." She held the script up, and it caught on fire before she dropped it on the ground, letting it burn. "Anyway, I say we go back and have a good time with Jaune. Much better than sitting here while all these other losers get it on in the background, which his weird as fuck."
"Says the girl who's admitted to being into her twin," Jaune pointed out.
"Boy, do you want me to make Pyrrha into a zombie and have her infect the rest of the world? Because I can do that."
"It's already been done," Light pointed out. "Summer's chapter did that."
"That bitch! Always stealing the best things from us. First she steals Taiyang, forcing us to settle with some other blonde with blue eyes, and now she steals the ending for this chapter. She's lucky she's already dead, or I'd have killed her for it."
"You can always bring her back and kill her again."
"And risk getting blasted with Silver Eyes? No thanks. By the way, that reminds me – I owe you for making a race of people that can melt me with just a glance. I think I'm going to make my own race. I'm not sure what they'll be just yet, but they'll be better than your dumbass silver-eyed warriors. And yes, I know I didn't capitalize the term despite it being a proper noun – that's how much I despise them. I spit in their general direction. In fact..."
She turned towards Ruby and spit in her general direction. The spit landed on the floor, where it immediately coalesced into a miniature pool of destruction. Salem would have been thrilled if she wasn't so preoccupied with tongue-kissing Neo while everyone else cheered and snapped pictures that she didn't notice the pool appearing.
"Are we actually going to do this?" Jaune asked. "Because if you two are going to just argue about nothing again, I'll just sit and watch the sexy Neo fanservice happening like two tables down."
"Oh, we're getting to it," Light replied.
"...Are you sure? Like, really sure? Because I wouldn't mind watching this."
"Pretty sure."
"...But, like really sure, or-"
"Alright, this has gone on long enough," Darkness declared. "We're spiriting you away back to our private quarters before you can be corrupted by the ice cream girl. Come along, now."
"Nooooo!" Jaune shouted as they grabbed him and began to drag him away from the cafeteria. "My yuri crack pairing and fanservice!"
"Wow, this is dumb," Darkness said to her sister as they dragged Jaune behind them, his fingers tearing deep gouges in the floor as he went. "Who comes up with this stuff, anyway?"
"Some drunk retard with too much time on his hands, but you already know that," Light replied.
"Yeah, I know. Speaking of which, I think he has a message for the audience."
Indeed, I do. This is the author speaking. Writing this chapter has officially dropped my IQ to the point where it is now beyond salvation. Someone please nuke this fic already.
"Ha! Victory!" Light declared. "Come on, Jaune. We're going to celebrate the only way we know how."
Jaune's scream of anguish at being denied his yuri echoed through the halls, loud enough to shake the entire school.
And that's about all she wrote. I spent another couple of days trying to think of fucking anything I could add to this, and I'm just absolutely spent at this point. So I think this is as good a place as any to end it. Not the longest chapter by any means, but seriously, these two were a lot harder than you'd think. I'm at my limit when it comes to shenanigans involving them.
Now, that being said, this chapter got really out of hand. This is probably the closest I've ever come to just full-on crack. I don't know if it will ever get this crazy again, and honestly, that's fine by me – I think it'd get old if I did this too many times.
My original idea for this chapter was to go for a sibling rivalry of sorts, where Darkness and Light both try to compete with each other to win Jaune over in bed, only to end up accidentally destroying the world in the process. I ended up not doing that because it was fucking boring and I've already kind of done the whole sibling rivalry thing before. Instead I went with this shit, which I thought was a welcome change, though I'm in no hurry to try and replicate it any time soon.
Also, fuck me, the Gods are hard to write. I decided to just make them both jackasses and see where that took me. As it turns out, it takes me lots of places, some of them better than others. I've pretty much said what I wanted to say with them, so I probably won't do a sequel to this chapter any time soon. I'd rather move on to some other characters I said I'd do and start crossing them off the list instead.
Next update: Saturday, March 20.