Chapter 36

"I am sorry, but I have to admit that I am actually stumped at the moment," Dr. Lexington told them. "I mean we have the best preconditions here: The drugs are out and you have no withdrawal symptoms anymore. Even the fine tremors are mostly gone. Your wounds have healed up nicely – even if they are still feeling uncomfortable and strain with movement. Same goes with your injuries – except the still healing wrist and your ribs. Your brain is functioning normal again, your kidney as well. You are back to eating real food – yes, I know it is still a diet – but is not pureed anymore. You are drinking enough, you have nothing attached to your body anymore, except the IV line for your medication, you have great support here with Detective Williams and most of all you want to make progress. I really can't see why it doesn't work. I had really hoped that the "faked death" of your friend had been the blocker, but this doesn't seem to be the case…"

"Something else?" Steve asked.

"I guess. I just don't know…"

"No, I mean you think there is another…"not real"?"

"Could be, but I don't think so. With all the nightmares you've had I am sure something would have come up already."

"So, what are we going to do?" Danny asked. "And don't tell me wait and see, because I've done that for weeks now and actually, I'm tired of it. There has to be something, something that we can do – actively."

"I understand your anger and disappointment, but sometimes it is just wait and see – I am sorry. In this case I'd like to try a few things."

"Try?"

"Danny! Let him talk."

Danny shook his head, but complied.

"I want to do another complete blood count. See if anything comes up that we've missed or hadn't been there before."

"I am okay with that," Steve nodded.

"I want to give you something that helps you sleep – without any nightmares – for at least eight hours once a day. And I want you to sleep during that time too, detective."

"Okay, no problem," Danny answered.

"Why?" Steve asked. "I've slept more in the last few weeks than in my entire life before. What is that good for?"

"Because the sleep you got was out of exhaustion. Sometimes it wasn't even sleep. You just passed out on us. Your body needed that rest and took it, but that has nothing to do with what you would call a "healing sleep". But it will be with the medication."

"But that will make me groggy during the day. I don't see how this should help."

"No, it won't. I promise you that."

"Okay, let's try."

"And I would like you to consult a psychologist."

"No!"

"Steve! Listen what he has to say."

"No! I don't want to."

"Why? How about I sent her in and…"

"No! I said no!" Steve burst out agitatedly.

"Then tell me why not."

"Because I've already had my share with them – more than once. It didn't help. Sometimes it made things even worse than before. And I can't have that. Not now. Not ever again. And that is not debatable."

"I understand that, but…"

"I said no!"

"Please hear me out. Can you do that? It is your decision anyway."

"I already have decided!"

"Steve!"

The SEAL looked at Danny for a moment, nodded and said "Okay, go ahead doctor."

"Thanks. As I said, I understand your reasons. I also know that you've experienced and seen a lot of things as a SEAL as well as in law-enforcement. But I highly doubt that that you've experienced something like this before. Yes, sure you got tortured before, you got drugged before. Both were even part of your training. But something like your recent "event" you only experience once in a lifetime – if ever – and you are lucky if you come out of it alive. Believe it or not, but what you've experienced was massive trauma – to your body and your mind. And even though you did much better than we had at first thought, it is nothing you just get back up from. You need help. And we'll give you that help. But it is not just medication, care, support and PT. If your psyche and your soul is cracked, you'll need help with that too. That doesn't mean you are crazy or weak. Just look at it like PT for your psyche. If you decide to talk to someone and you feel like you can't get along with that person we can exchange.

If you still don't want to talk to someone take into consideration that your healing process might take longer. I don't want to blackmail you. I am just stating the facts.

Now, thank you for letting me talk. Think about it and let me know.

Helen is going to give you the sleeping medication tonight and Esther is going to draw some blood tomorrow morning before breakfast.

If you have any questions – about anything – ask now or feel free to get Dr. Andrews - who is here for the night – or me paged. Any time."

They hadn't any questions and the doctor left the room.

Both friends sat in silence and lost in their own thoughts.

After a few minutes Danny asked "Hey, you good?"

"Yeah, never better," Steve answered.

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

"Yeah, sorry – again."

"Can I ask you something without you getting mad at me?"

"I'll try."

"The psychologists? What did they do?"

"What do you mean?"

"You said you had your share and that they made things worse. What did they do?"

Steve looked at his friend, but found nothing but seriousness and concern in his eyes.

"They were supposed to help us after our missions – especially those that had gone wrong or where we had lost men or team members got injured.

But they have always tried to get deeper. They had wanted to talk about other missions, about our youth, school, love, what had brought us to the navy. And it started all over again after the next mission and the next and the next. And I really don't want to bring everything up again. There is a lot of stuff I have already dealt and coped with, because I've decided it was neither my fault nor could I have changed anything. And other things are buried, because it was so…cruel, so violent, so…horrible and senseless that I don't want to be reminded.

And even when I've told the docs that, they had still tried to poke around, tried to imply things that weren't there. They made me feel sick, okay?

I mean it would have been nice to talk about certain things, but just about the last incident and not about stuff that had happened years ago. And not again and again and again. But they hadn't been interested, had said it is procedure and if I didn't want to talk, I hadn't attended and couldn't take the next mission or order. So I did talk, but it just made things worse. Thankfully, we had the other team members to talk to.

Is that okay for you?"

"The question wasn't about what is "okay for me", it was about what made it so bad for you. I just wanted to understand."

"Do you?"

"Do I? Yes, Steven I do."

"But?"

"What about "but"?"

"You look like you want to add something."

"Okay. Yes…BUT…that was years ago. Maybe therapy has changed since then. Maybe it is different here…"

"You…you want me to do this, do you?"

"I don't want you to do this, Steve. What I want is that you take all the help you can get, to get you better and out of here. I want you to get better. That is what I want." Nothing else."