Chapter 36

Sometime later, Nik woke up in the darkened room alone. Pushing back the blanket covering her, she rose and found her handheld. She had been asleep for a little over three hours. Amos hadn't come back since he left to find food. Refusing to think about what that meant, she quickly gathered up her belongings that had brought her back to the Roci in the first place. Pulling her clothes back on, she flinched at the tenderness in her groin. She needed to clean up, but wanted to get off the Roci as quickly as possible so it could wait until she got back to the rooms where her family lived.

Slipping out of the room, she exited the ship quietly, careful not to run into any of the crew, and made her way through the docks and into the depths of the station. Her eyes burned with unshed tears as she numbly navigated the corridors until she reached the door to the rooms.

Maggie and Mouse looked up from where they sat at the desk.

"Nik!" Mouse cried and flung herself across the room.

Catching her up, Nik hugged her close, burying her nose in the little girl's hair and inhaled her sweet scent.

"You were gone for a while," Maggie remarked.

Pulling back from the child, she replied, "I got caught up. Sorry if I worried you."

"Nah," the older woman waved a hand dismissively. "I figured something had kept you."

Mouse wiggled in her arms, "come see what we're doing."

Nik set her back on her feet, "can I put my stuff up and clean up first?" She directed her question at Maggie.

"Luyne, love, why don't you show Nik where she can put her stuff and clean up?"

"Kay," the child smiled and grabbed Nik's hand. "Come on, I'll show you."

Following her into their shared room, Nik smiled thankfully at Maggie.

Mouse, Luyne, showed Nik excitedly around the room. Not very large, it still had enough space to two cabinets to hold their clothes and a large bed.

"Look! We have a real bed! Now we don't have to sleep on the floor anymore."

Nik let her babble on for several minutes, not really listening until the child paused expectantly.

"I'm sorry, Mouse," she felt immediately bad about not paying attention. "What did you say?"

The little girl's eyes teared up.

"Oh, Mouse, I mean Luyne! I'm sorry baby!" she knelt by the girl and hugged her. "I'm just tired. What did you say? Tell me, please."

She leaned away and swept an errant lock of hair out of Mouse's face.

Mouse's lip trembled, but she nodded. "You're my momma now, right?"

Nik smiled, "ya, I am."

Mouse hesitated before continuing, "then can I call you momma?"

Nik's heart swelled with love for the girl. "Of course you can," she assured.

When Mouse still hesitated, she prodded her, "what else, sweetie?"

"My real name is Luyne?"

Nik wasn't about to tell her it actually wasn't. That it was the name of another girl that died years ago and they 'borrowed' her identity for Mouse.

"Of course," she lied.

"But you keep calling me Mouse."

Nik considered. "What do you want me to call you?"

Shyly, the girl mumbled, "Luyne."

"Kay," Nik pulled her into another hug. "I will try my best to call you that from now on. But you need to be patient with me. I'm used to Mouse and may slip up now and then."

"Kay," Luyne's muffled voice said.

Smiling, Nik held her away, "Well, Luyne, I smell. Show me where I can clean up?"

Grinning at her happily, Luyne nodded quickly, "kay, Momma. Come on."

In the shower, Nik finally gave in to the pain curled up in her chest. Letting the steam wash the grime off her body and sooth the aches from sex, it also washed the hot tears as they streaked down her face. Her shoulders shook with sobs and she cried.

She should have known. Everything that she knew about Amos should have been a clue. Sex with her was just that for him: sex. He desired her and responded to her desire for him, but that was as far as his feelings went. As far as his feelings were capable of going. She had gotten all she was going to get from him and it wasn't enough.

She loved him. She wasn't sure when she stopped being suspicious of him and started feeling this way, but it was inarguable.

But he didn't love her. Cared about her? Probably. He had gone out of his way to protect her when he didn't have to. He had been kind to her. But those didn't equate to love. Nik doubted he was even capable of the emotion. And stupid, stupid, she had fallen in love with him despite that.

The steam timed out and she slid down the wet wall to sit on the shiny tiles. Pulling her knees to her chest, she rested her head on them and sat there until the chill drove her out.

Later, during the night cycle of the station, Maggie and Nik sat in the main room after Luyne and Lucky were asleep.

"Ok, Niki girl," Maggie put down the file she had been working on. "You've been moping around since you got back. What's going on?"

"I haven't been moping," she protested.

She had spent the afternoon playing with Luyne and listening to Lucky tell her about his first day as an apprentice. All in all, Nik thought she had done a good job of ignoring the ache in her chest.

"Uh-huh," Maggie grunted. "You tried to hide it, but I caught the sad looks and sighs."

She flushed a deep red and refused to meet Maggie's eyes. "I had sex with Amos. That's why I was so long."

"Well," Maggie drug out the word. "And?"

"It was amazing."

"Yeah, good sex is like that."

"But...,"

"What?"

"I think I'm in love with him," Nik blurted before she lost her nerve to admit her feelings.

Maggie was quiet for a bit, waiting on her to continue.

"I don't think he's in love with me," Nik finished miserably.

Maggie made a tutting noise and got up from the desk and came over to sink down beside her. Reaching out, she patted Nik's hand.

"What makes you say that? Did he tell you?"

"He didn't have to." She turned to look at the woman. "I don't think he is capable of loving someone."

Maggie thought about it before answering. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," Nik whispered, her head down and shoulders hunched.

"Child," Maggie patted her hand again, "getting your heart broken is all part of living. Almost everybody has had it happen to them at least once. Believe it or not, this feeling will pass and you will find someone else."

Her assurance didn't help the pain inside Nik. She couldn't imagine anything feeling the huge empty hole inside her at that moment.

"Niki, girl, have I ever told you about my first love?"

"No."

"Petra was beautiful inside and out. When she entered a room, she filled it with her light. Everyone loved her, but me, I fell IN love with her. We worked together for months with me pining for her at a distance. Oh, I was so young and infatuated with her. I built elaborate fantasies about our life together. But I was too afraid to approach her and tell her how I felt."

Her interest piqued, Nik asked, "what happened?"

"We were both invited to a party and I had a little too much to drink, so I finally got up the nerve to approach her. I professed my love for her and kissed her."

"What did she do?"

"She pushed me away and laughed. She told me that she wasn't interested in women. It broke my heart. I was so embarrassed. I cried for the next two days. The next week, I couldn't make myself go to work. I ended up quitting and getting a job at another clinic."

"Oh, no. That's awful."

Maggie smiled and patted her hand again, "that's where I met the love of my life, my Roger. We married less than a year later, then left Luna to travel to Tycho to help set up the medical bay there."

"Oh."

"You see, I felt just like you do right now. But I got over it and found love again. And this time my love was returned. Love, like everything else in life, takes perseverance. You can't give up if you fail the first time. Or even the second or third times. You have to keep trying until you succeed."

"You might feel like you will never get over the hurt you are feeling and the more you dwell on it, the longer it will hurt. I'm not saying you shouldn't hurt. Just like a physical wound, it will heal. It may or may not leave a scar. But it will heal and you will be okay again."

Nik leaned against her shoulder, "I'm glad I have you, Maggie."

"Niki girl, you have all of us. That's what families are for."

Maggie's words of assurance helped ease some of the heaviness in her chest, but she was still a long way from okay. At least now, though, she had faith that she would get over it eventually.

A week passed without Nik seeing Amos, but the ache didn't fade.

Naomi had been true to her word. The maintenance manager of the station, Moi Vars, had summoned her to his office the next day. Despite Naomi's endorsement, he was skeptical of her abilities, but he was willing to take her on a trial basis. Three days later, she became a permanent member of his department with full pay. To celebrate, the handful of belters that had worked with her so far took her out to a popular bar for drinks and dancing.

If ever there was a reason to wear the colorful outfit Amos had bought for her, this was it, but Nik hesitated. Standing at her wardrobe cabinet, she held the shirt up, debating.

"That's a pretty color. It'll look good on you," Maggie told her from the doorway.

"Ya, I know."

Sighing, she folded it up to return it to the drawer.

"Why aren't you going to wear it then?"

Nik ducked her head so she wouldn't have to meet Maggie's discerning gaze.

"He bought it for me," she said softly.

"Hum," Maggie hummed and crossed the space to stand by her. "The Roci's still docked."

Maggie didn't have to tell her that; she knew it all too well. Despite telling herself it wasn't her business, she checked to dock logs every day.

"Child, you need to at least talk to him before he leaves."

Nik slammed the drawer shut, "it wouldn't change anything."

"Maybe, maybe not. But it might give you some closure so you can move on."

She turned to her friend, "I don't know what I would say."

"The truth is always a good place to start."

When Nik didn't answer, Maggie patted her on the shoulder, "just think about it, okay?"

"Kay," she agreed. Thinking about it wouldn't hurt, right?

"Now," Maggie grabbed her arm and pulled her out of the room, "we got to find you something to wear."

"No, Maggie," Nik pulled free. "This is stupid. We don't have the money to spend on clothes. I have a perfectly good outfit to wear and I am going to wear it."

"You sure? I have a little stashed away."

"And you need to keep it for something more important. It's just clothes. And it's not like he will even see me wearing it."