POV: Jordan

Room 501, the room filled with remorse, torment, hate, sorrow, despair. The room where my friend lay, alive but barely breathing. Alive, but dead inside, alive. The room from Hell, the room where Heaven left. The room that angels avoided.

Alive.

Nurses and doctors behind me exchanged glances, whispering about the snow leopard who kept her hand on the handle, but never opening the door.

They would never understand, they didn't see their best friend dead on the bathroom floor. They didn't have to do chest compression, they didn't have to slip in the blood, they didn't have to give up. They didn't sit there with him, cradling his head, feeling powerless. They didn't have to cry, didn't have to hear the heart monitor stop, spike, then stop again. They didn't have to feel the pain, they didn't have to suffer.

It had been two days since Alex was admitted in the hospital, each time I went to visit him. But I never had the courage to open the door, I didn't have the willpower to see him. I was terrified of what I would find inside. I was terrified to see his face again, his face that haunted my dreams. I wanted to erase everything from that night, I wanted it to all just disappear.

I took a deep breath, hand shaking as I opened the door for the very first time.

There he was, in a blue hospital gown, a respirator over his mouth. His fur was freshly dried, causing it to poof up. His arms were to his sides, covered in bandages. An IV hung out from the side, the bag of saline was almost empty. Multiple bags of blood were placed in bowls on a cart, ice covered them to keep them cool. His eyes were closed and his breathing was barely visible. If they hadn't told me he lived, I would've thought he was dead.

It was all too much for me to think about, all too much for me to process. I just wanted the pain inside myself to go away, and I thought about leaving again. But seeing him alive, breathing, perfectly still. It felt like my heart lurched out to see him, to feel him against my fur again. Hoping to feel its warmth, rather than the cold that it presented. I just wanted to hold him again, just to share some of my life.

He was all I could think about before everything that had transpired. He was my world, my life, my light. But all that light was gone when I looked at him. All the scenarios and future I had planned for us, was blown out like a candle. It left so quickly, so fast, that I didn't have anytime to process, any time to reflect. I didn't think my heart could break anymore, it was already broken from seeing him. But somehow, it found a way. It found a way to crack even more, to tear itself apart from the inside. It found a way to break what was already broken.

I sat down on the chair next to his bed and laid my head on his chest. I heard a heartbeat, small, barely there, but I heard it. My head slowly rose and fell with his labored breathing, he was alive. I grabbed his hand and held it, feeling my fingers across the perfectly white bandages. Feeling the softness of his fur. I laughed to myself, knowing someone had given him a shower, thinking about how they cleaned a dead body.

"Breathe, just breathe," I said with my head on his chest.

I broke again.

Muffled sobs as I tightened my grip around his hospital gown. I couldn't hold it in anymore, it was inside of me for so long, threatening to come out at the right. But there was never going to be a "right time". There was never going to be the "perfect moment''. There was no rewind button, there was no way to right the wrongs that befell him. I had to just go out and say it, say everything I was feeling. Whether he heard me or not was up to whatever God watched from above who allowed these things to happen.

"I love you...I love you," I said through sobs. "Please, don't leave me. I need you." I didn't care anymore if anyone outside heard me crying. I just let all of my emotions go, the screaming, the crying, the perfect storm of emotion that filled my lungs and drowned my eyes. I had finally confessed my love to a wolf. To the wolf who I wished would hold my hand, pull me close and whisper sweet nothings, to the wolf who I had loved. To the wolf who wouldn't hear me.

There were soft clicking of shoes against the tiled ground, and I perked my head up, wiping away the tears. A red deer entered the room quietly. Her fur was a soft brown, and her eyes were dark. She had a floral purse loosely strung over her tired shoulders, a navy blue shirt frilling out at the bottom. Her grey jeans complimented her short figure, draping down to the very bottom, where it met chestnut shoes.

I wiped my eyes again with my palms, she must've been his mom. I felt awkward sitting there staring at her son. She probably didn't even know who I was, and yet, she looked at me endearingly. Compassion and care filled her eyes as she sat down opposite of Alex, stroking the fur on his face. I never knew red deer could be so gentle with their expression and still look so hurt. There were no tears in her eyes, nothing left in her body, all of it being either bottled up, or fading away into the hallowed room.

She cleared the emotion out of her throat, and stared at Alex's face. "He's lucky to have a friend like you. Someone who cares for him, wants what's best for him." She got up from her chair and headed for the door.

"You're his mom, aren't you?" I blurted out.

A small smile formed across her lips, and this time, she looked directly at me. "I am."

She sighed and picked up her purse from the ground. "Jordan, right? I'll make sure the hospital doesn't give you any trouble." She looked towards Alex and gave him a kiss on his forehead. "He'll wake up eventually, for now, I have to go with the media. I didn't think the world would be so shocked about a wolf who was raised by herbivores."

"The...media?"

She shook her head. "Oh, the whole world is blowing up about it. Honestly, it's not that big of a deal." She stole a glance towards Alex. "I guess it is." She walked over to the door and smiled. "I'll leave you two alone."

I laid my head on Alex's chest as his mom left, feeling the soft fur on his face. Nobody was around, and I didn't think I'd get another shot.

Do I kiss him? No! He's freaking unconscious...but...is it really that wrong?

No, you're not kissing him!

I sighed and slumped back in the chair, watching his chest rise and fall, watching his ears twitch to the sounds of the machines around us.

Nobody saw the signs, nobody looked close enough to see that he was struggling, that he was always struggling. Animals turned a blind eye, his parents didn't look close enough-I didn't look close enough.

What kind of friend was I if he felt like he couldn't tell me how he was feeling? There was that one time in the dorm room where he told me he thought he wanted to die. How stupid of me to chalk it up to just sensory overload, to just a bunch of emotions hitting him all at once, and he didn't know how to deal with it.

Life shouldn't have been like that, you weren't supposed to wake up everyday hating yourself, hating the world that you lived in. Somebody needed to do something, to show that it was ok to reach out, ok to talk about those horrible feelings. Nobody should've been judged for how they felt, how they processed the world. Judging them and telling them it's just "all in your head", only made things worse. It told them that it was a problem they needed to fix by themselves, and that asking for help was just a waste of everyone's times.

Hope filled my chest, he was going to wake up. I was going to see his eyes open and hear his voice again. This isn't the end of the world. I told myself I would see him everyday, and I would keep that promise. I stood up from my chair and rushed out of the room, running past nurses, carts and doctors.

The world needed to know why he did what he did. Everyone needed to know, everyone needed to take closer looks. Everyone needed to pay attention, because if you don't find it quick enough, bad things could happen.

I was never going to let another animal feel the feelings Alex did, I wasn't going to let this world turn a blind eye to mental health. It was important, everyone needed to know that. If Alex couldn't do it, then it had to be me.

I pushed through the hospital's glass doors, and ran down the sidewalk, ran as fast as my leopard legs would let me. I had only one destination, school.

️ ️ ️

I got to the school out of breath, posters of Alex's face were all over the school's hallways, each one telling us about his life. What did they know? They knew nothing about the struggles he went through. Those posters were just a way to show the heartless school we went to wasn't dumb enough to forget about him. They were smart enough to know that if they didn't do anything, the media would come after them.

I entered the auditorium, avoiding the gazes from the teachers that thought I was coming in late. Everyone was in a seat and I found one on the other side of the room. The principal was talking about mental health and how it affected us differently. Then he started talking about Alex.

I had come here for one reason, and one reason only.

I shot up out of my chair and ran over to the stage, a couple of security guards tried to grab me, but I was too fast. I yanked the microphone out of the principal's hand, and seethed with anger.

"This is what we're doing about it?" The principal stopped one of the guards with his hand, and stepped away from the podium. "You all act like you know who Alex is, like you know the struggles he went through. None of you will ever understand the pain, the hate he went through everyday. And for what? All of you just knocked him down every step of the way, none of you cared about him. To you he was just a lonely wolf, undeserving of your friendship. None of you will ever know him like I do.

He was just a broken animal, being constantly beaten down by society and this school. None of us looked close enough to see the real underlying issue, none of us even considered the idea that he was hurting, that he needed help. We are all trapped in our little bubble of this world, believing that all we need to push others down to survive. And I'm to blame too. I called him my friend, and yet, I didn't see what was going on, I didn't look hard enough to see the pain that followed him around. We are all to blame for what he did!"

I began to cry on the stage, but I didn't care, I hated every single person in that room.

"I have the luxury to call him my friend, I have the luxury to see him for what he really is. He's just a wolf who needed someone by his side, but no one ever was there. Expect me. None of you did anything to help him. Nobody in the school administration did anything to help him!"

"How can you say that? It's not like you were the better friend to him either!" Someone yelled in the audience.

"You're right, I wasn't the greatest friend to him, but I tried! I tried to be his friend! But I was blind too, I didn't see the problems he hid so well." Tears filled in my eyes and the auditorium became drowned out by them. "I was the one who had to find him in the bathroom, I was the one who had to stop the bleeding that was everywhere, I was the one who had to do chest compressions! No one else was looking for him, nobody else cared!"

The principal tried to take the microphone away from me, I knew I was going too far, but I had to say everything.

"I was in the ambulance when they took him away! I had to hear the heart monitor spike and crash. Do you know what that's like? To see your possibly dead friend lying in an ambulance?! None of you will ever understand that!"

There was a hand on my shoulder pulling me away, and I let them.

Whoever it was, brought me into the back of the auditorium while the principal tried to pick up where he left off before I ruined it.

I looked up at the animal, crying, but filled with anger. Mrs. Baker looked back at me, but she wasn't angry, her tail was wagging. "What do you want!? Here to suspend me!?"

Mrs. Baker put a finger on my lips and smiled, then she hugged me, her tail wagging behind her.

Another breakdown.

"I'm sorry," I said through tears. "I didn't want any of this to happen."

Why did Mrs. Baker feel like Mom? Why did I feel comfortable in her arms? I didn't even know this woman that well, but I felt comfortable and calm.

"Don't feel sorry Jordan, what you did, what you said, everyone needed to hear."

"I'm just so tired of everything, I want it all to end."

"I know," she said. "Come on, you don't need to be in here anymore."

She walked me out of the auditorium through the back door and led me to her office, I was still crying, honestly I cried too much, but I couldn't help it.

I sat in the chair she provided, crying into my hands. "I keep thinking it's over, but it's never really over," I said.

"Jordan, why are you crying?" Mrs. Baker said.

"Because everything I said on that podium was true! Nobody cares about Alex, nobody saw the struggles he was going through."

Mrs. Baker sighed. "Perhaps he didn't want you to see, maybe he just wanted to suffer in silence."

"But why!" I screamed. "Why would anyone want that?!"

Mrs. Baker shook her head. "I don't know, but what you said on stage, everyone needed to hear. You were right about everything."

"God, I just wish I wasn't!"

Mom opened the door and saw me sitting in the chair, cry-laughing. She grabbed my hand and Mrs. Baker gave me a note that would let me be absent from school for a couple of days. She told me I didn't have to use them, but they were there just in case.

"I heard what you said on stage, they were broadcasting it on the news," Mom said with a smirk.

"Please Mom, I'm tired of trying, please tell me your joking."

"Are you kidding? Jordan, what you said up there, it...it was amazing! You told the world what they needed to hear, you said things that other animals wouldn't have said."

"Then why do I just feel drained?"

Mom put an arm around my shoulder as we walked towards the car. "You feel like that because you are drained. You're drained emotionally."

"I just want it to be over."

Mom sighed and stared into the sky. "Hang in there kid, your friend needs you now more than ever."