Chapter 37.
Dean had pretty much decided to let Sam do most of the talking when they got to Sarah's. He didn't trust himself not to put pressure on Jules, both for information and to try to convince her to make the first move in the direction of reconciliation. It wasn't the misunderstanding he had hoped and blind intervention from a control freak with a screw loose might not be the best idea.
He also wanted to say as little as possible to Sarah, because what he had revealed to Sam made him nervous. He had reached a point where he was not as careful as he needed to be and he was saying things he had never said before. Sarah would consider that a good thing, but he wasn't so sure and he felt he was about one careless moment away from pulling up a bean bag and talking about how the lack of Mommy hugs had blighted his life.
He looked in the mirror to see the Jeep behind him. He had to confess that things had been worse. He and Sam were together on this one, taking the same approach, trusting each other's choices and ideas. He could forgive Sam checking on him and Cas during the night. It had not been a matter of mistrust, but concern for both of them and instead of irritating him, it had reminded him, just as that Jeep in his rear view mirror was, that Sam was with him, supporting him all the way.
In the same way, he worried about Sam and tried to watch over him, but he didn't doubt for a second Sam's instincts about Cas or his determination to help Cas and Jules. It was a great feeling not to doubt Sam. The days of them lying to each other all the time were over and he was glad of that.
He wished he could be as sure of Cas. Every instinct was yelling at him to call Cas, to demand to know where he was and why. Reason told him that he had to allow Cas his freedom and needed to show him some trust, but the whole think stank like a week-dead fish in a hot car and his mind was constantly playing insane speculations about the self-destructive things an unwatched angel might get up to under the circumstances of a devastating break-up.
His instincts could be wrong, especially when they were fuelled by his fears. He was always insecure about Cas, equally afraid that Cas would decide he had no right to be around humans and that he would realise how little value there was to certain members of the species. Fears of losing those he loved never went away and that was one good reason to rely on Sam, who could be more rational.
Which was a weird thing to think, in a way. There was no doubt, Sam's mind was a battlefield with some horrific craters left behind. Sam was strong, though, mentally strong. Everything Hell, Lucifer and Dean himself had hurled his way had failed to break him. Sam had an iron grip on his own mind and a clear understanding of his own perceptions and awareness of the distortions that may influence them. Even in the most broken parts of his mind, Sam knew every crack and how it messed with the acoustics.
Dean wished he had that level of control over the crazy. Sometimes he felt like he had capsized in an ocean full of sharks and storms and was just clinging to the wreckage and trying not to drown. He needed Sam to keep him afloat, to steer him safely, to just be there, one calm, strong voice to speak above the storm and tell him he wouldn't die.
Admitting to his kid brother just how much he needed him had been hard. It had been scary. He had never before given anyone so much power over his life. Generally, asking for the loan of ten bucks felt like relying on others too much, but Sam wasn't "others". Sam was Sam. If he needed ten bucks or a million, Sam would find a way. If he told Sam what frightened him, Sam would never laugh at him. Sam would just stay there, at his side, faithful and dependable and strong, with strength he had inherited from both parents, along with his mother's kindness and intelligence, his father's fanatical zeal.
Sam was everything good from both parents and had somehow missed most of the bad. The only bad was the stubbornness and he turned even that to good when he used it to stay when anyone else would run from the dumb, crazy brother who kept needing his help.
Dean knew he had the faults of every one of his ancestors. All the flawed DNA had found its way into him, the destined vessel of a deeply flawed angel. There was good in him too, the loyalty, the refusal to surrender. Whatever else happened, he would never die of giving up or giving in. He would fight to his last breath. Specifically, he would fight for his family and friends. However hard life got, he would live, because they wanted and needed him to, even Cas, who thought he could walk away and not miss them, could walk away and not be missed.
People admired strong, fearless, unconquerable Dean Winchester. He wondered how many would follow him if they knew how much of what he did was driven by fear. But then again, Sam knew. Sam knew almost everything. It was strange that Sam was the one person who never seemed to lose faith in him.
He had equal faith in Sam. Sam would know what to say to Jules and Sarah. With luck, Dean would not have to explain any of his chaotic and confused thought processes. They could all focus on Cas and Jules and finding a solution to it all. He knew he could depend on Sam and that meant he felt no need to take control, as he always had.
Alone in the Impala, he could admit to himself that a part of him wanted to talk about the fears that kept making him say the wrong things. Sarah had helped him in the past. If he told her he needed to discuss those feelings, she would make time for that, but he told himself that it was best not to, that such self-indulgence would only delay help for Cas and a shake-up of half-forgotten unhappiness from childhood would be of no use now.