If July had been bad, and August had been worse, it was nothing compared to what September brought with it. Dumbledore, who Tonks had to admit was not in her good books of late, wanted Harry to have Auror protection, especially during his Hogsmeade visits. So Kingsley had arranged to have her stationed in Hogsmeade - patrolling, keeping an eye on the dementors. It was easy yet soul destroying work and though she knew that being stationed there had nothing to do with her loss of morphing abilities, she couldn't help but feel it was a punishment of sorts, a demotion, proof that she was useless without being a Metamorphmagus.
She didn't know whether it was the amount of time that had elapsed, or the fact she now spent more time with dementors for companions than she did people, but she'd grown accustomed to the hopelessness that had settled over her. She stopped trying to fight it, she stopped thinking she'd wake up in the morning feeling like herself again. She couldn't even bring herself to feel guilty over how distant she was being with friends and family. Her inner life played out a repetitive cycle – numbness as she carried out her work shift, despair as she got back to her flat and changed out of her work clothes, and then a night full of anxiety as she tortured herself with images of Remus in that camp. Then the next day she rose and began the cycle all over again.
On Wednesday she made her way to the Burrow for the weekly Order meeting, hoping it would be a quick one so she could get home and finish that bottle of wine from last night. She found it almost impossible to get her brain to focus on anything useful these days. She tried to read Auror manuals and keep up to date with the Daily Prophet, but she just ended up getting angry with herself when she realised an hour had passed and she hadn't taken anything in. She got even more angry when she realised that her brain was still incredibly adept at storing other forms of information that was now entirely useless to her. He was gone, he had been a while now. So why could she remember the order in which Remus ranked every type of chocolate but not all 12 exceptions to Breaking Cover in the Aurors Undercover Procedure? Why could she still picture the exact placing of that little freckle on his neck but not the Key Points of Attack Diagram from the Aurors Duelling Manual? Why was she certain she could find that little sensitive spot behind his ear as easily as she could clench her own fist, but she still hadn't mastered her disillusionment charm?
There were reminders of him everywhere and tonight was no exception as the sun cast an orange glow on the horizon, an eerie sort of foreboding of the full moon that would rise in just a couple of hours' time. She shuddered. Tonight would be his first full moon in that place, there was a chance he wouldn't even make it to morning. If the worst happened, would she even know? Surely she would feel it. Despite the distance, despite the fact he'd walked away, she couldn't help but feel they were connected somehow.
She ignored the worried glances thrown her way as she took her seat around the Weasleys' table. Fred and George, their newest additions, still to Molly's dismay, had been joking about something but promptly broke off and threw wary glances at her as she entered. She felt a surge of irritation, was this all a joke to them? Remus was in pain right this second and yet they were here laughing.
Snape entered with Dumbledore and her anger piqued again, first at the old wizard who'd sent Remus to that place, and then at the greasy potions master who'd leered at her a few weeks previously through the Hogwarts gates. Weak he'd called her. She'd spent years training hard as an Auror so no one could ever call her that. But deep down she knew she was angry because he'd been right, no one looking at her now could deny she was weak and useless and all the things she'd vowed never to be.
She scowled at the table in front of her as she willed herself to concentrate with everything she had on the words of her fellow Order members. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Bill place his hand on top of Fleur's and she felt sick to her stomach. She wanted to cry, and then she felt angry at herself that she wanted to cry.
Everyone had given their reports now and Dumbledore was wrapping up, "well that's everything for this evening then." His eyes lingered on Tonks before he continued, "I'll need someone to volunteer to check in on Remus, not right away, we agreed to give him the first 2 months to gain their trust and then hopefully he won't be watched as closely so he can meet with someone to update them every month. I suggest whoever will be meeting with him starts after October full moon."
"October?!" Tonks almost yelled in horror surprising herself along with everyone else as she'd finally spoken up. "You're going to make him wait 2 whole months before he can see anyone?!"
An uncomfortable silence stretched round the table and Tonks felt all the anger that had been bubbling up inside her, finally reach to overflowing.
"Tonks" Kingsley spoke now but that usually soothing voice was anything but calming, "we know it's horrible there but-"
"No you don't know! None of you do!" she exploded. "You think cos you sit across the table from him a couple days after full moon and ask him how he's feeling, he says "fine" or "I've been through worse" and then your conscience is clean for you to forget about it. You think that means you get it?!" She looked round at all the wide stunned eyes and each face she took in only further fuelled her fury. How dare they sit here pretending they care. How dare they act like they had even an inkling as to what he was going through.
"Did you know that right now he'll be ice cold and shivering?" She asked to the silent room, "His scar will be burning and his whole body is in pain. All his senses are so heightened that even a whisper could give him a migraine to the point that he'll lose his vision and maybe pass out. The slightest smell of perfume or alcohol will make him vomit. And then tomorrow he'll wake up probably in a pool of his own vomit covered in gashes and broken bones, he'll barely be able to move from the pain from where every single muscle was ripped and stretched and warped. He'll have chewed and scratched himself and if he went too deep it'll get infected because out there he won't be able to treat it. The meat cravings will be intense but he'll hate that because it's a reminder of the part of him that ruined his life, he'll have cold sweats, maybe a fever, his skin will be so tender that even the lightest touch will feel like someone's held a flame to his skin." She barely noticed that many of the group had averted their gaze from her now, but she didn't care that she was making them uncomfortable, in fact she wanted them to be uncomfortable, their awkwardness was nothing compared with what Remus was experiencing this very moment.
She continued, "but despite all this physical pain so extreme that none of us have ever experienced anything even close, and despite the fact that he knows full well there's a high chance he won't return from there, that isn't even the worst part for him...Did you know when he went undercover in the first war, he used to break his own feet before transforming so he knew he couldn't attack anyone? That makes him an easy target for the others so they'll all fight him, but he'll do it anyway because out there he can't set up his protective charms and so many will be injured and will die and he'll have no way of knowing if it was him. He's in danger, he's in excruciating pain, but all he's thinking about is how he's a danger to others and that is what's TORTURING him! All he ever cares about is whether he's hurt anyone and out there he'll have no way of knowing if he did." Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew Remus wouldn't like her spilling his most private thoughts and feelings with everyone, but she couldn't cope with the injustice of him not getting the recognition he deserved. If he wouldn't tell them, someone had to.
"Do you have any idea how degrading this is for him?" She shrieked because she knew they had no idea, "it'll eat up any last remaining shred of dignity he has left that wasn't incinerated by the decades of prejudice he's faced. He's literally living his own worst nightmare right now and even if he does return, it'll torture him forever. All the things society have always thought he was that he's lived in squalor to escape, now he's living that life."
She glowered at all the guilty looking faces sat around her, "but you can sit here warm and comfortable and you can sleep tonight because this was "his" decision and he "wants" to do this and he knows what he's getting himself into. Maybe you even think that you're making sacrifices too! But if this all ended tomorrow, would your sacrifices leave you riddled with guilt and self-loathing?! No! You'd get to feel proud of what you did! Society would honour you for being a hero. Whilst he still wouldn't be able to get a job, he'd still be hated and would hate himself." She stopped, letting the relief at her outburst of everything she'd been keeping bottled up wash over her until it was instantly replaced by intense embarrassment.
"Tonks... we had no idea..." Molly almost whispered after a lengthy silence.
"Of course you had no idea!" Tonks snapped, "because he wouldn't want to "burden" you, he wants you to be able to sit here with clean consciences and not give him the credit he's due for doing the most horrific and soul-destroying job imaginable"
The silence swallowed the room once more, no one knew what to say for she'd made it very clear there was nothing they could say.
"What... what can we do?" Molly asked, voice trembling just a little as though she were worried Tonks would yell at her again.
Tonks took a deep breath and buried her face in her hands, clutching at her limp mousy hair. She squeezed her eyes shut against the tears that now threatened to fall, "just understand the gravity of what he's doing here. Don't overlook him just because he doesn't think himself worthy of recognition... don't pity and coddle him like he's a child, try to give him just a slither of the respect he deserves" she sniffed, "and please MERLIN anyone who might come into contact with him, have some honeydukes chocolate ready for that moment."
She let her hands fall to her lap and braved a glance around the room, doing her best to plaster a threatening look on her face to mask the vulnerability she really felt in that moment. She caught Mad-Eye's eye (both of them) and felt surprised he hadn't growled at her to shut it during her entire outpouring of emotion. She expected him to scold her now, for being unprofessional, for letting her emotions get in the way of the task at hand. But he said nothing, just looked at her through narrowed eyes and Tonks had no idea what he was thinking. Maybe he'd just realised he'd been wrong about her all along and now didn't care enough to scold her. That was understandable, but if loving Remus was what had brought this change in opinion about then she couldn't care less.
Dumbledore called the meeting to a close and Tonks hurried out straight after him without saying her farewells.
"Nymphadora!"
She grimaced at the voice of her old mentor calling from behind her, but she turned and waited for him to catch up.
"That was quite a show in there." Mad-Eye stated as he eyed her still with that same unreadable look.
"I don't care Mad-Eye." She sighed, she was too exhausted for one of his lectures now, she just wanted to get home and cry. "I don't care about anything you're about to say - I don't care about professionalism, I don't care about compartmentalising-"
"You think I wanted you in the damn Order because of your professionalism?!" He barked, "as for compartmentalising there's a time and place. So until you break down crying in the middle of a duel or get yourself caught on reconnaissance because you're yelling at the top of your lungs, I expect you to stand up straight and be that damn good Auror I trained."
Her eyes widened as she processed his words, she'd been sure he'd have a whole lot to say about her outburst but none of the chastising she'd been bracing herself for ever came. "Mad-Eye..." she shook her head in confusion, "I just had a complete breakdown in front of the whole Order."
"Breakdown?!" He exclaimed, "that was no breakdown. Breakdown was you lying on your sofa drinking wine out the bottle and staring at the wall all night."
She stared at him in disbelief, knowing that later she'd have time to feel incredibly disturbed that he knew about that.
Mad-Eye cleared his throat as he always did before embarking on an important lecture. "I don't give a damn whether you can morph, or that you graduated top of your cohort, or that you memorised the 1704 Dark Magic Prohibition along with the 1831 amendments. I saw your potential because you've got fight, girl. Fight isn't something you can learn or conjure, but if you have it, everything else can be learned. Maybe you've still got some learning to do on how to channel that fight. But what you did back there proves to me you've still got it and I was right about you."
She frowned at her shoes, scuffing the grass with the toe of her heavy boots. These heartfelt moments with Mad-Eye were rare and as a result a little awkward. "So..." she began, "you're not mad at me?"
"Course I'm furious!" His sudden exclamation made her jump, "you're stood out here in the open and your wand isn't holstered properly, you're starring at the ground and I'm darn sure you haven't any idea where the security enchantments end."
She looked up at him and couldn't help but smile, back in familiar territory now. Molly's sympathy was appreciated but there was only so long she could take looking at those wide worried eyes. She needed to feel like she could still be useful, still do her job. Mad-Eye was right. She could love Remus, she could be heartbroken over the rejection, she could lose sleep over her incessant worrying about him, and she could be depressed over her inability to morph. But she could still be useful to the Order, she could still be a good Auror and she could still protect Harry. That's what Remus was doing after all and if he could put all his personal problems to the side for the Order then she could put her far less pressing issues to the side too. She would see him again. He couldn't stay there forever, maybe there was a small part of him that thought it'd be easier if he just died there but she knew him, and as long as Harry was still around, as long as they still had a chance of winning this, Remus wouldn't give up. And neither would she, not on the wizarding world and not on Remus. Mad-Eye was right, she had fight. And Remus was worth fighting for.
A/N: Just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who's reviewed/followed/favourited this story. It really means a lot to me!
I hope I'm doing justice to the bleakness of what both Tonks and Remus are going through without compromising on their characters at all...
Next chapter is nearly finished and mostly Remus focussed.