New Year…new madness. Let's start 2021 going in a better direction! Or a horribly wrong direction if you're not a fan of this absurdity. Heh.
Speaking of gravy, I'm afraid of Will Ferrell.
But here's a story for your face windows!
The Jedi Council Part 22: Honey I Shrunk The Jedi Council
Subtitle: I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22.
Qui-Gon is unbelievably annoying. But no one could've fathomed that he was annoying enough to single-handedly eliminate illegal drug use across the universe in just two weeks.
Yet that's exactly what happened. For all their suffering, the Jedi Council only got a two week break from the human exasperation that is Qui-Gon. And after annoying every drug dealer IN THE UNIVERSE out of selling drugs, Qui-Gon returned to Coruscant to complain about mopping schedules at the Jedi Temple.
Yep.
"And that masters is why I believe the janitorial staff should change their schedules so they are mopping less in the morning, afternoon, evening, and night but more often throughout the day." Qui-Gon said.
"…What?" Yoda replied, "Talk backwards I do and understand that sentence I still could not."
Depa sighed and looked at the pamphlet in her hand. Yes Qui-Gon wasted…er…took the time to print pamphlets for this.
"The floors at the Jedi Temple should be pristine at all times." She read aloud, "Yet for obvious safety reasons, the floors at the temple should not be wet at any time of day."
Below the text there were several graphic pictures of injuries people received from falls. Qui-Gon is all about the shock factor.
"Okay." Mace said calmly as he laced his fingers together and rested his chin on them, "So Master Jinn, you're saying that the floors need to be mopped more often but at the same time never mopped at all?"
"Precisely." Qui-Gon confirmed.
"You realize…" Adi sat up straighter in her seat, "THAT MAKES ABSO-FLIPPIN-LUTELY NO SENSE?!"
"It makes perfect sense." Qui-Gon said, totally unphased by Adi's blatant rage, "The floors should be clean at all times to be neat and sanitary but the floors should never cleaned to reduce the risk of falls."
Silence. The most silent of silences.
"I'm having some kind of stroke." Eeth broke the silence after a few moments, "There can be no other explanation."
"Yes, there can." Mace said, furrowing his brow, "Master Jinn, in your time annoying…uh…I mean reforming drug dealers, did you ever come into contact with illegal drugs?"
"Of course. I saw uncountable tons of illegal drugs." Qui-Gon answered, "But I cannot express how offended I would be if you are accusing me of using them."
"I'm not saying you used them…intentionally." Mace continued, "But I'm sure a lot of them were being burned in your presence."
"Absolutely. Second only to ingestion by mouth, inhalation was the most common method of partaking in drugs." Qui-Gon replied.
"That's what I thought." Mace smirked, "You ever hear of a contact high, Qui-Gon?"
"Yes. But I cannot express how offended I would be if you are accusing me of experiencing one." Qui-Gon said.
"I'm not saying you experienced one intentionally." Mace clarified, "But you have been around a lot of drugs lately. I recommend that you take a few tests just be certain none of them affected you."
"An excellent idea that is, Master Windu." Yoda agreed, "Master Jinn, I am ordering you to go to the medical center and be tested for every drug in the universe."
"Does that include birth control?" Shaak whispered to Depa who snorted softly in response.
"I do not think that is necessary." Qui-Gon said.
"Really?" Plo saw this as an opportunity for some fun, "Because you've been in here for the last half hour walking backwards in a circle and saying how happy you'd be if you could juggle chipmunks."
"I…what?" Qui-Gon was totally confused, "I have no recollection of that. I came here to make a proposal regarding mopping schedules."
"That might have been what you planned to do." Shaak said, "But what you actually did was chase Master Yoda around and try to pour pomegranate juice down his ears."
"I am certain that did not happen." Qui-Gon objected.
"That's how the drugs work, man." Eeth replied, "They make you do crazy stuff then just a few minutes later, you have absolutely no memory of it."
Qui-Gon's brain has experienced an error and for the first time ever, he had no idea what to say.
"Go to the medical center." Yoda encouraged, "Better safe than sorry. Then take some time off you will. Exhausting solving the universe's drug problem must have been. Rest you need."
Normally Qui-Gon would've argued but at the moment he was so completely dumbfounded.
"Yes, Master Yoda." He sighed, "I think some rest might be good. But please consider the mopping proposal while I'm gone."
"Of course." Mace answered, "Now off to the medical center with you."
Qui-Gon still looked utterly baffled, but he bowed and left.
As soon as he was gone, the Council burst out laughing.
"We broke him!" Shaak cackled.
"I've never seen him malfunction like that!" Oppo laughed.
"But seriously, guys." Adi said, "Was the mopping paradox really the result of unintentionally inhaling a crap ton of drugs or just a whole new level of Qui-Gon madness?"
Ki-Adi-Mundi shrugged, "Only the tests will tell."
The Council sat in silence for a few seconds.
"So…now what?" Depa asked.
"I don't know." Mace replied, "With Qui-Gon back I fully expected him to take up our entire day with his nonsense."
"Wait…so what did we do with ourselves during the two weeks Qui-Gon was gone?" Adi wondered.
"Hmm. For some reason remember I cannot." Yoda said, "But I am sure we were productive."
The Council members all thought for a few minutes (…there's a first.) then slowly started recalling the past two Qui-Gon-free weeks. The squirt gun party. The traveling petting zoo stopping by the Temple. The yoga lesson. The six Pirates of the Caribbean marathons. The contest to see who made the best banana bread. The fifteen staring contests. The reenactment of West Side Story. The crochet lesson. The alphabet burping contest.
Productive indeed.
"Uh well." Oppo cleared his throat, "On the plus side we'll be able to attend the Padawan Science Fair this afternoon."
The Annual Padawan Science Fair was always a good time. It was truly amazing what some of the young Jedi-in-training were capable of creating. It was almost like they all had some fantastic ability flowing through them or something…
"Oh sweet!" Adi cheered, "I love the science fair! I participated in it every year when I was a Padawan. Never won though."
"Calculating the percentage of shoe polish you can add to chocolate pudding before people start noticing is not science; it's just sadistic." Yareal muttered.
"I still think you should've won the year you determined the exact amount of duct tape needed to tape someone to the ceiling based on their body weight. That's very useful information." Depa said.
No one bothered to question Depa on how exactly this was very useful information.
Before long it was time for the science fair so the Masters all headed down to a conference room on the first floor of the Temple. On the way, Mace stopped by the medical center just to make sure Qui-Gon had checked himself in. The healing master assured him they were running all the tests and after three hours they'd tested Qui-Gon for 0.2% of all known drugs in the universe. He also thoughtfully added that Qui-Gon had complained about every single flavor of Gatorade they'd given him. (He needed to stay hydrated to give all the…samples.)
Mace smirked. The thought of Qui-Gon wasting who-knows-how-many hours of his life peeing into tiny cups was oddly satisfying considering who-knows-how-many hours of Mace's life Qui-Gon had wasted with his constant nonsense.
…Run-on sentences. We cook 'em up real good!
The Masters started browsing all the Padawan's presentations. There was a Padawan who invented a pill that made everything taste like French toast. Another had found a way to separate toxic chemicals from soil which could be very applicable for agriculture on some planets. One Padawan had invented a computer program that could determine what two individuals' children would look like from a saliva sample.
…And no one shall ever speak of the abomination the computer created when given Yoda and Yareal's DNA. Imagine an orc with its neck and limbs stretched out like Mr. Fantastic. Utterly horrifying.
After shaking off that trauma, the Masters saw a display by a newer Padawan to the Temple; Padawan Troy. He and his master, Master Rowsdower, had recently relocated to the Temple from the Canadalius system.
RAITMOTS: Padawan Troy and Master Rowsdower are shamelessly stolen…er…borrowed from an awesome episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 called The Final Sacrifice. Look it up if ya want, it's good for a giggle. Or don't look at it. I ain't your boss.
"Padawan Troy." Yoda greeted, "What have you made for the science fair?"
"Well, as some of you might already know; Master Rowsdower tumbles down hills a lot." Troy said.
All the masters bit their tongues to avoid pointing out that the reason Master Rowsdower tumbled down so many hills was because he was a…how shall we put it…hopeless drunk?
"He also likes to sit on the ground and contemplate philosophy." Troy added.
"…like whether or not there's beer on the sun?" Shaak said. Yoda gave her a soft whack on the shin with his gimmer stick.
"Basically, Master Rowsdower gets his demin robes dirty a lot." Troy continued, "So I've invented self-cleaning robes for him."
To demonstrate, Troy held up a pair of demin pants covered in mud. In an instant, right before the masters' eyes, the mud vanished. Simply vanished without a trace. As though someone was editing together footage of dirty pants and clean pants and just slapped them together.
"Truly remarkable, Padawan Troy." Mace praised, "I could see this being quite useful in reducing the Temple's dry cleaning bill."
Troy grinned like a doofus.
At that minute Master Rowsdower came sprinting across the room. As fast as he could sprint anyway. He was ludicrously out of breath when he reached Troy's display. His hockey hair was drenched with sweat.
"Sorry I'm late. Pick-up speeder gave me trouble. If it's above 50 or below 40 the thing never starts." Rowsdower panted, "Did I miss the award ceremony?"
"Do you have any idea how fast you were going, Rowsdower?" Troy scolded, "You could've knocked someone over!"
"Or your heart could've exploded." Shaak muttered. Yoda whacked her shin a little harder this time.
"No, Master Rowsdower, they haven't given out the awards yet." Plo said, "Troy's self-cleaning robes are very impressive."
"Yeah they're great." Rowsdower agreed, "My demin robes have never been cleaner! Troy is still working on a way to get the bacony stink of Canadalius off of them though."
"Well maybe he can present that project next year." Eeth said.
Troy continued to grin like a doofus.
The masters moved on to the next booth. Padawan Libbiana stood before what looked like a fancy telescope. Her master was Master Honey. Go ahead and make your jokes; Master Honey has heard them all. Her parents' reasoning was that she was the sweetest baby ever. (BARF) But she was a good sport and took all the comments about her name in stride. She was however getting tired of Mace insisting she needed to marry someone with the last name Bunchesofoats so she could be…Master Honey Bunchesofoats. *face palm*
"What does this do, Padawan Libbiana?" Adi asked.
"It's supposed to be a shrink ray." Libbiana replied, "But of course it decided to stop working the day of the fair."
"That's awful luck." Depa said, "Anything we can do to help?"
"Thanks but I think I can get it running again." Libbiana answered optimistically, "Master Honey went back to my lab to a few spare parts."
"Master Honey dating anyone at the moment?" Mace asked with a smirk.
"I uh don't know…" Libbiana lowered her eyebrows in confusion.
"Maybe she could find someone with the last name Nutcheerios." Mace laughed like this was the funniest thing ever.
Libbiana winced/smiled doing her best to be mature and not smack Mace. Yoda took the liberty for her and gave Mace's shin a whack with his overworked gimmer stick.
Libbiana continued messing around with the shrink way. The masters were almost to the next display when suddenly she cried, "I think I've got it!"
The masters turned to face her but before any of them could comprehend what was happening, they were hit with a ray of blue light. Then with the exception of Yoda, they were all gone.
"What?" Yoda asked, "Where did they go?"
"Oh no!" Libbiana yelped, "I'm so sorry! I didn't realize they were standing in front of it!"
She picked up a magnifying glass, carefully knelt down, and started scanning the floor.
At that moment, Master Honey arrived carrying a few strange tools and parts. She saw her frantic Padawan looking at the floor with a magnifying glass.
"What happened?" She asked.
"Honey…" Libbiana gulped, "I shrunk the Jedi Council."
…
And now a message from our sponsors!
SPOONS! Spoons can be so useful. Spoons are an excellent choice for eating soup! But we don't own you so eat your soup however you want. Spoons aren't paying us crap. Kind of a lousy sponsorship really…
And now back to the show!
…
Meanwhile, down on the floor stood several figures about the size of a grain of rice. Don't ask me how many because I'm constantly forgetting how many dang Jedi are actually running about in these stories.
"What in the name of Captain Crunch just happened?" Mace demanded.
"I don't know." Adi said, "Everything looks…different."
"I think we're still in the conference room." Shaak said, looking down, "I recognize this puke green carpet."
"Where did that big tree come from though?" Plo wondered.
The other Jedi turned and saw what looked like an enormous tree. It was so tall they couldn't see the top or any leaves, just the massive trunk which must've been several feet in diameter.
"That's a really big tree." Eeth pointed out, obviously.
"Let's retrace our steps. Where were we before we were here?" Yareal asked.
"Guys…" Oppo said.
"We were at the science fair. Looking at Libbiana's shrink ray…" Adi trailed off as the realization hit her.
"Oh no." Ki-Adi-Mundi said, "Have we been…"
"Guys…" Oppo interrupted firmly, "That's not a tree."
The other Jedi studied the "tree" more closely. Oppo was right. It wasn't a tree at all.
It was an enormous gimmer stick.
…
"Master Yoda, I am so sorry." Libbiana apologized. Again.
The poor Padawan was near tears. Honey put an arm around her shoulders.
"Now now." She soothed, "All great scientists make mistakes."
"And don't be sorry!" Yoda chirped, "Best day of my life this is! Tallest Jedi on the Council I am!"
"I guess you are." Libbiana smiled, "The ray must have shot right over your head."
"But bask in this feeling I cannot." Yoda sighed, "Resize the other Jedi we must."
"So they're down there on the carpet?" Honey asked, squinting at the ground.
"Yes." Libbiana answered, "They're probably the size of a grain of rice or so."
Yoda cackled, "Tallest Jedi I am by a large margin!"
Honey ignored him, "You put a reverse mode on this, didn't you?"
"Yes…but it hasn't been working that great." Libbiana replied, "I can't find them. They must be on the move."
"All right everyone!" Honey announced to all the Jedi in the room, "If you all could please be very careful when walking; we have some very tiny guests with us and we don't want them to get stepped on. If anyone would like to help us search for them please grab a magnifying glass. Libbiana, you work on getting that reverse ray working."
…
The shrunken Jedi on the floor decided their best chance of survival was to get away from all the people. So they ran as fast as they could to one of the walls of the room. The conference room wasn't terribly large but given their tiny size it was the equivalent of running a mile. Or something. Big distance.
Once by the wall, they stopped to catch their breath.
"Okay, I think our odds of getting stepped on are much lower here. Who steps RIGHT against a wall when walking across a room?" Adi reasoned.
"Where do we go from here?" Depa asked, "Surely Yoda and Libbiana realize what happened and are looking for us?"
"Who is Shirley?" Plo joked.
"Man I wish Yoda had crushed you with his giant gimmer stick." Mace rolled his eyes.
"I say we take advantage of this opportunity to be essentially invisible." Shaak suggested, "We can go places we've never gone before."
"Like where?" Eeth asked.
"Like there!" Shaak pointed to a nearby vent in the wall, "We can sneak around the entire Temple. See and hear things no one wants us to see or hear."
The other Jedi stared at her.
"That is so sneaky and rude and an awful invasion of privacy and why are we still debating this? Let's go!" Adi cheered.
The Jedi easily fit through the grate over the vent and began exploring the aluminum tunnels. They each ignited their lightsabers to light the way.
"Hmm. We're on the first floor. Where should we go first?" Depa asked.
"The medical center is down here." Oppo said, "We can go see how much fun Qui-Gon is having."
"I think the medical center would be this way." Plo turned down a tunnel to the right.
Almost an hour later, they were finally peeking through a vent in a wall at the medical center. Sure enough, they could hear a familiar voice.
"Masters I object to there being so many flavors of Gatorade. Sometimes consumers must settle for fewer options. Especially in this instance when all of the options are unpalatable."
"Yes, Master Jinn." An exasperated healer said without looking up from their clipboard, "I'll call up the Gatorade company right away."
"And is there by any chance a less…invasive way to run these unnecessary drug tests?" Qui-Gon asked, "Analyzing my urine is an invasion of my privacy."
The healer sighed, "But knowing what's in your urine is the entire point of a drug…never mind. Not gonna bother. Master Jinn we can run the tests by analyzing your urine or your blood and considering the large volume we need, you'd definitely be dead right now if we had chosen to analyze your blood."
Qui-Gon glared at them, "Regardless. I suppose I wouldn't want you to know what is in my blood either. You might file my DNA and frame me for some horrible crime!"
The healer's eyes gleefully lit up but then they shook their head and remembered their oaths, "We would never steal your DNA for nefarious purposes, Master Jinn."
"Nefarious." Qui-Gon repeated, "I always liked that word. I used it the other day when I saw…"
"Wait a minute!" Depa spoke up, "Why the Bantha poodoo are we voluntarily exposing ourselves to Qui-Gon's nonsense?!"
"I uh…don't know." Oppo said, "This was a pretty silly idea."
"Where should we go next?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.
"Ooooh." Shaak squeaked, "We should go to Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's quarters and see what Obi-Wan is up to without his master around."
"He is always such a troublemaker." Mace sighed, "No wonder Qui-Gon keeps him on such a short leash."
It took about an hour and a half to reach a vent inside Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's quarters. Obi-Wan was sitting cross-legged on the floor scribbling away in a leather-bound book.
"Obi-Wan keeps a diary?" Adi wondered.
"Let's listen and see if he's one of those people who talks aloud as they write just for amusing plot purposes." Shaak said.
…Obi-Wan is definitely one of those people who talks aloud as they write. I'm the writer and I said so…uh…typed so? I'm not one of those people who talks aloud as they write.
"Dear Diary." Obi-Wan said aloud as he wrote, "Qui-Gon doesn't understand me. No one understands me. I just want to get my nose pierced and dye my hair black so it matches my soul."
"Is Obi-Wan…being…emo?" Eeth whispered as though it were possible for Obi-Wan to hear their tiny voices.
"All I want to do is sit in my room and listen to Uncomplicated Procedure and just think and feel all my feelings." Obi-Wan continued.
"Uncomplicated Procedure?" Mace questioned.
"Yep. That's an emo band." Depa replied, "And not a great one in my opinion."
"I just have to express my angst and no one gets me." Obi-Wan wrote, "I'm trying to sew my robes smaller so they fit tighter. I've been watching YouTube videos so I can learn how to put on eyeliner. Qui-Gon is either going to accept me or get over it. He'll never know what it's like to be me."
Shaak burst out laughing, "Aw man. So much angst. Takes me back to my emo years."
"Is he okay?" Oppo was concerned.
"Oh he's fine." Shaak scoffed, "Just lots of teenage hormones happening. He'll be moody for a few months or years then he'll move on. Hopefully to better bands at least. It's a phase."
"This isn't phase." Obi-Wan wrote despite having no way of possibly hearing her, "This is who I am in my soul."
"Okay sweetie. You be you." Shaak smirked, "You're not hurting anybody…except your master might have a coronary if he comes home from the medical center and you've died your hair black."
"Let's leave Obi-Wan to his feelings." Mace said, "I'm never taking another Padawan again. I'm done with moody teenagers."
…
"I don't know why it's not working." Libbiana groaned in frustration, "I did exactly what I did last time."
"Just keep troubleshooting." Honey said as she continued to scan the floor for the shrunken Jedi.
"A giant I am to them." Yoda mused to himself, totally not concerned with his missing comrades, "A GOD! Absolute power I have!"
…
The shrunken Jedi were now aimlessly wandering the vents and going wherever. They didn't really overhear anything interesting. They did stop by Master Hazza's quarters where they (as usual) found him stoned out of his mind. They all yelled as loud as they could and the echo of the ventilation shaft had Master Hazza convinced elves were talking to him inside his head. That was a good time.
"We could stop by my quarters next." Mace suggested, "We could ride Moonbeam and the kittens!"
"Mace…" Depa said, "I hate to say it but considering how tiny we are…your cats would definitely eat us."
"They most certainly would not!" Mace objected, "They are good and special kitties!" He glanced down at his watch, "Actually…it's almost two hours passed their normal feeding time so…yeah they'd totally eat us."
"Okay, I think I'm ready to get back to normal." Ki-Adi-Mundi said, "Yoda is probably gloating about he's the tallest Jedi on the Council now. I want to crush his dreams."
"Yeah. Spying on people isn't as entertaining as I thought it would be." Depa agreed, "It actually feels kinda wrong. Except Emo Obi-Wan. That was flippin' hilarious!"
"This is the way back to the conference room." Mace gestured, "Maybe if we all yell again we can get someone's attention."
The other Jedi followed.
RAITMOTS: Now would be a good time to start listening to Duel of the Fates if you have the ability. Intense action scene ahead!
As soon as they turned a corner, they were face to face with three cockroaches each the size of a sedan. Just picture that for a moment. CREEPY.
And the roaches did not appear happy to have company. One reared back and showed its creepy mouth parts.
"I always knew it would end this way." Adi shook her head.
"What should we do?" Eeth asked worriedly.
"I don't want to kill them. They're just minding their own business. WE are the ones invading THEIR space." Depa pointed out.
Sweet Depa. Always the animal lover.
The three roaches hissed at the Jedi.
"Well we gotta do something or I'm actually gonna be a snack instead of just look like one." Mace said.
"I've got some rope in my belt." Ki-Adi-Mundi said, "I'll tie it across the vent to block or trip them and then we run as fast as we can."
"Okay. I'll wave my lightsaber around to distract them while you tie the rope." Yareal said.
The long-necked Jedi stepped forward and started swirling his lightsaber around. The roaches drew back from the light. Yareal took a few step forward to push them back even more.
"I'm done. Let's go Poof!" Ki-Adi-Mundi yelled.
The other Jedi all took off down the tunnel. Yareal did a nifty little jump over the rope then followed.
Two of the roaches charged after them and were immediately tripped by the rope. But the third roach climbed over them and pursued the Jedi.
"They're coming!" Depa screamed looking over her shoulder.
The roach raced after them, easily covering more ground than the smaller Jedi could.
Mace reached into his pocket, pulled out some Trix cereal, and threw it behind him. The roach immediately started slipping on the hard colorful spheres. It eventually fell to the ground.
"Never thought I'd be happy Trix did away with fruit shapes." Mace grinned as he continued jogging after the other Jedi.
By now the first two roaches had recovered and were climbing over the fallen roach. Shaak, ever the klutz, tripped over her robes and fell down. Adi immediately turned back and grabbed her arm to help her up. One of the roaches was bearing down on them. When suddenly, Eeth leapt over them both and landed on the roach's back. He grabbed its antennae and held on tight. The roach bucked like a bronco and tried to toss Eeth off its back.
The other Jedi and even the roach all stopped to watch the rodeo. After a few seconds, the roach seemed to be tired of struggling and stopped moving. Eeth still sat on its back.
"We cool now?" He asked the invertebrate.
If roaches were capable of making "WTF" faces, that's what this one would do. Eeth carefully climbed off its back and pulled a sandwich out of his robe. He slowly placed it in front of the roach's mouth. The roach hesitated then devoured the sandwich in one bite. The roach looked at its companions. Then they both turned and went back down the tunnel in the direct they had come from.
The Jedi all stood there, mouths agape.
"Way to go, Cowboy Eeth!" Plo slapped Eeth on the back.
"That was insane, dude!" Mace laughed.
"Eeth the roach tamer!" Ki-Adi-Mundi clapped his hands.
"…how long had that sandwich been in your robe?" Adi wanted to know.
"Thanks guys." Eeth said, "Now let's get back to the conference room before we have any more excitement."
…
"That should do it!" Libbiana breathed a sigh of relief, "Now we just have to find them."
"No luck finding them on the floor." Honey said from where she was kneeling with a magnifying glass, "If they have any common sense..."
"They do not." Yoda interrupted.
Honey gave him a confused look but continued, "I bet they tried to find somewhere safe where they couldn't get stepped on."
Yoda scanned the room, "Like a ventilation shaft!"
He scurried over to the wall with the vent on it.
"Tiny Masters!" He called, "If hear me you can, return to the conference room you must. Fixed the machine Libbiana has."
…
"I think we're almost there." Plo said, sensing they were all getting tired from all the walking.
"Tiny Masters!" A huge rumbling voice ran through the vent.
"…God?" Depa wondered.
"If hear me you can, return to the conference room you must. Fixed the machine Libbiana has."
"…why is God talking backwards?" Depa wondered.
"Because it's not God." Oppo smiled, "It's Yoda! They fixed the machine. They can turn us back to normal size."
"Let's go!" Mace cheered.
"Wait." Adi said, "With the echo in here, he might be able to hear us."
"WE'RE COMING, YODA!" Shaak screamed so loud everyone flinched in surprise.
The Jedi all ran towards the exit to the vent.
…
"We're coming, Yoda." A tiny voice squeaked from the vent.
Yoda chuckled to himself, "Shaak."
A few minutes later, with the aid of a magnifying glass, Yoda saw the shrunken Jedi emerge from the vent. He knelt down and reached out his hand.
"All aboard." He said softly so as not to rupture their tiny eardrums.
The small Jedi exchanged nervous glances.
"…He's going to crush us isn't he?" Eeth muttered, "Since we've always made fun of him for being tiny?"
"If he does he does." Adi shrugged, "I'm tired of being able to fit inside a Pez dispenser."
She climbed onto Yoda's clawed hand. The other Jedi sighed but followed.
Very gently, Yoda got up from the floor and approached Libbiana and Honey with his outstretched hand.
"I have them." He said.
"Excellent!" Libbiana replied, "Please put them over there."
Yoda carefully lowered his hand to the spot on the floor she had indicated. The Jedi hopped off his hand and waited.
"Here we go!" Libbiana took a deep breath and pressed a button on the machine.
A flash of light and the other Jedi all appeared before them…except…
"They're cats." Honey stated, raising an eyebrow.
"Oops. Let me adjust this setting." Libbiana said.
The cat Jedi mindlessly did cat things. Calico cat Depa licked her paw. Fluffy white cat Oppo started coughing on a hairball. Black cat Mace (is that racist?) leapt over to Yoda and started playfully swatting at his gimmer stick.
"Let's try this." Libbiana pressed the button again.
A flash of light. The other Jedi were now action figure sized.
"Well…they're definitely bigger." Honey said, "But…"
"Chocolate they are." Yoda finished her thought.
Yep. The Jedi were all chocolate molds of themselves, unable to move or speak.
"I'm never going to get the chance to do this again." Yoda said.
He scooped up Yareal and…bit off his head.
Libbiana and Honey gasped in horror!
"What?" Yoda asked around a mouthful of chocolate Poof, "Grow back it will."
We established that Yareal's head regenerates back in Chapter I'm-Too-Lazy-To-Look-It-Up.
"Okay…" Honey tried to compose herself, "Libbiana try again."
Yoda placed the chocolate Poof back on the ground. Libbiana pressed a button.
Another flash.
"I think that's as close as we've gotten yet." Honey said encouragingly.
The Jedi were now Wookiees. They are started arguing loudly among themselves in Shyriiwook. If they didn't have the complete attention of everyone in the conference room already, they did now!
"Please try again." Yoda said, covering his ears.
Libbiana pressed the button. The other Jedi vanished.
"Where'd they go?" Honey asked, "Did they shrink again?"
"They should definitely be normal this time but…oh no." Libbiana gasped.
"What?" Honey asked, growing frantic. I mean her Padawan might have just murdered almost the entire Jedi Council. She's definitely going to jail.
"I left it set to MCU." Libbiana replied.
…
"Alright!" Eeth cheered, looking around, "We're normal-sized again!"
"Yeah but…where are we?" Adi wanted to know.
Before anyone could answer a ball of fire shot passed her and exploded against the wall behind her.
The Jedi all ignited their lightsabers and turned to face their attacker.
"How the hell did you get in here?" A man's voice demanded, "And who are you supposed to be? I thought Comic Con was cancelled this year."
Tony Stark was glaring at the Jedi, his right hand raised and ready to fire again if necessary.
"Answer carefully because the next one won't miss!" He warned.
"Sir, we are members of the Jedi Council." Mace answered, putting away his lightsaber and raising his hands in a gesture of peace, "Through an accident of science we seem to have been transported to your world."
Tony's eyebrows knitted together in confusion, "Fury? Since when do you cosplay?! Did you get a false eye for this?"
Now Mace was the one looking confused.
"My name is Mace Windu." He said.
"Mr. Stark!" A voice called from across the room.
A teenage boy raced over to stand beside Tony, "I heard an explosion! Are we under attack?!" He followed Tony's gaze to the Jedi, "Oh my God…"
"Peter, tell everyone else to get up here." Tony ordered, "These guys have yet to explain what they're doing here and they have laser swords so…"
"Of course they have lightsabers." Peter grinned, "They're Jedi!"
"Peter!" Tony shouted as the boy bounded over to the Jedi.
"Amazing cosplay! So much detail!" Peter said in awe as he looking at Oppo, "It's the entire Jedi Council! But where's Yoda?"
Tony and all the Jedi were just too darn confused to say or do anything.
"Come on, Mister Stark!" Peter broke the silence, "We had a Star Wars marathon for my birthday last year. You should know them!"
"I uh…" Tony didn't have the heart to tell him he had dozed off twenty minutes into The Phantom Menace.
Can you blame him? So. Much. Politics.
At that moment, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff, Bruce Banner, Thor, Clint Barton, and Sam Wilson all ran into the room looking ready for a fight.
Let's just say this is a happy little Avengers universe where they all get along and hang out and stuff. That sounds nice, doesn't it? Happy little Avengers. You know what? Let's put a happy little Bucky in here too.
Bucky Barnes was there too. The Avengers and they Jedi were all just staring each other down in confusion. Except Peter who was still marveling (heh heh) at the excellent "cosplay."
Before anyone could say or do anything else there was a blinding flash of light.
…
"I don't know what else to try!" Libbiana was near tears, "I don't know what it's not working!"
"You'll get it." Honey encouraged, "Keep thinking."
At that moment, Master Rowsdower stumbled into the room, tripped over nothing, and bumped into Libbiana's machine. It randomly shot a spark of fire which ignited Padawan Troy's hair. But then there was a flash of light and…
All the missing Jedi stood before them. They are looked around then breathed a sigh of relief.
"Of course! The external ignition line was clogged!" Libbiana announced, "Thank you, Master Rowsdower!"
"Um…you're welcome?" Rowsdower was confused…and most likely not sober.
"Rowsdower saves us and saves all the worllld!" Depa sang.
The Jedi all celebrated and rattled on about their adventures.
"Rowsdower." Troy said calmly, "Could you put out my head?"
Rowsdower grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher and put out the flames on his Padawan's head.
Rowsdower indeed saves us and saves all the world!
"Padawan Libbiana." Mace said, "Because of your amazing invention and quick thinking to get that invention working in a crisis; I declare you the winner of this year's science fair!"
Libbiana smiled brightly. Everyone applauded.
"I would also like to borrow your invention for a few days." Mace added, "There's a big problem currently in the medical bay that I would like to make into a little problem."
But was the invention truly fixed for good?
…
Three days later.
Not to be confused with "seven years later."
Natasha Romanoff was the first one up as usual. She enjoyed the quiet morning hours in Stark Tower before all her noisy teammates woke up. She had just turned on the coffee maker when suddenly there was a flash of light behind her.
With her assassin reflexes, she had spun around to face the other direction and pulled a knife out of a drawer in the blink of an eye.
In front of her stood a long haired man with a beard wearing strange robes.
"Where am I?" The man wondered. He spotted Natasha, "Who are you?"
"You must be one of those cosplayers who broke into the tower a few days ago." Natasha said, lowering her knife.
"Excuse me?" Qui-Gon asked.
"Well unlike your friends, you're not getting away!" Natasha replied.
She gracefully leapt over the kitchen island and before he had time to process what was happening, Qui-Gon was in a firm headlock.
"Ma'am. I can assure you I have committed no crime." Qui-Gon choked around her strong arm.
"Yeah. Tell it to the police." Natasha dragged him towards to the door.
…
THE END!
Oh and don't worry; Poof's head grew back as it always does.
Tune in next time for: The Council Gets Quarantined…maybe…that might be too topical.