chapter thirty-seven

Things had been dull, and that in and of itself was unnerving. I went to work, I came home, spent time with Bobby when she was around and when she wasn't I went for runs and bothered Quil and taught myself how to cook and stole cigarettes from poorly attended convenience stores. When I stepped out the front door, my back didn't arch in at the crinkling feeling that someone was watching me. There was no rustling in the trees and no imminent danger. And I had gotten used to that ache in my chest, and if I didn't think about it, it was like I could go on, pretending it wasn't even there.

For about a week or so, everything was just so plain. And I fell into it so quickly, getting used to the way it felt underneath the budding summer sun. But I didn't forget. I couldn't forget and I looked around like something was going to change, like the normalcy would crack under my feet.

Before it did, Bobby held a ballpoint pen carefully in her hand, tracing the tip of it over my knee. I didn't know what she was drawing, she wouldn't let me look. "There's gonna be a snowstorm in the mountains tomorrow" she told me, voice muffled by concentration. "Wanna go skiing?"

I didn't look over at her. She would've hit me if I did, and the mothman documentary was enthralling enough. "Absolutely not," I replied, cheek resting against my hand.

She groaned, dropping her pen and letting it scatter to the floor. I looked over at her with a scrunched up brow. She pouted. "Well I wanna do something fun tomorrow. We haven't been doing anything but sitting on the couch and I am literally going insane. How are you so content?"

I shrugged. "I have really low expectations. But if you wanna do something, we can do something. I'm just hesitant to make plans with you cause you usually wanna go out with Leah."

There was a shaking and cartoonish looking middle finger on my knee. Bobby opened her mouth to protest and then closed it again. "Sorry, new relationships are like that."

"I wouldn't know. Me and my boyfriend only talk every two weeks and every other conversation is an argument," I commented, attempting nonchalance but there was a thumping in my heart.

Bobby let her expression drop, eyes wide and sympathetic and her bottom lip in a pout. I knew what she was going to say. It wasn't the first time she said it and it wouldn't be the last. "Remy, are you sure you guys are still, like, y'know, together?"

I cracked my fingers against my bent knees and trained my eyes on the ground. The truth was I didn't know. It had seemed that everyone else was under the impression that Embry and I were done. But I had replayed that last argument over in my head hundreds of times, over and over, and there was nothing I said that was rash and damning enough to end a relationship over. I reeled over Embry's words and the argument Quil made to me. And I didn't think I was ready to forgive him but I was able to understand. It didn't feel like a done deal. It felt like a thread tugging at my chest, getting stronger the more time went on and the less angry I was. But I just wasn't ready. And I knew he wasn't either.

I couldn't explain the concept of imprinting to Bobby. I could barely understand it on my own. But I felt it constantly in the aching and I knew that there was something still there. I trusted my gut. I trusted it most. "I dunno," I shrugged, "If I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but I just don't think I am."

"Such a hopeful romantic," she lightly teased, earning a slight push from me. "Listen, let's get out of town tomorrow. We could go to Seattle and check out the pop culture museum, you could shoplift and beat up strangers for cigarettes and we could get sushi."

A grin broke out on my face. "Yeah, sure, sounds fun."

Bobby opened her mouth again, probably to break up our nice moment with something rude, but the shrill sound of my ringtone interrupted the silence. I squirmed around a little, trying to get the phone out of my back pocket. "God, if you're not gonna change your ringtone can you at least put that thing on silent? Everyone in the Pacific Northwest can probably hear that."

"Shut up," I told her with an eye roll, looking at the phone screen with downturned lips. "I don't know this number. Why do people keep talking to me? Hello?"

The voice on the other line was chilling, eerily soothing and unnaturally perfect. Goosebumps ran down my arm and I was perplexed at the way they could have this sort of effect even over the phone. "Hello, is this Remy Cree?"

"Uh," I stumbled, biting on the side of my cheek until I tasted blood. Bobby's stare was hard on me but I wouldn't look up to meet her gaze. "Yeah, it's Remy."

"Remy," he repeated my name again, now that it had been confirmed and it sounded worse this time, emotion in his tone sounding jerky and fabricated. "This is Dr. Cullen. I received your number from Bella."

For a second, I glanced up at Bobby, who hadn't moved an inch. I didn't know what he was about to tell me and I didn't know if she could hear. My nerves were electrified and stomach rolling. "What's, um, what's up?" I winced at the way I sounded.

There was a long pause on the other line, maybe just a couple of seconds, but the entire time it felt like my heart was dropping and never landing. And I stood, suddenly and in a way that made me dizzy. "I'll be right back," I told Bobby, walking away from her and out the door. There was no reason I could imagine for him calling me. Nothing good, at least.

When the door slammed behind me, his voice flooded my ears again and everything felt fuzzy. "Remy, I wanted to call and let you know that your brother is with us."

My throat was dry and the buzzing in my ears was almost deafening. For all I had known, Bear had fled. Bear was gone and off on his own. And all of the sudden everything was in overdrive. "Bear-Bear is with you?" I stumbled. "How? Since when? Wh-what happened?"

"He came to us, earlier today, and asked us if we would allow him to stay with him," he explained, voice calm and never jerky. Dr. Cullen spoke to me like he was diagnosing me, voice calm and assured though his words had heavy implications. "Briah, he seems very distraught."

I was all knotted up, dried and blanched. "Well, let me come and see him!" I pleaded, desperation clear in my voice. "I can be there in-"

"Remy," he cut me off, "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why?" I demanded with jagged harshness in my voice.

I counted up to six before he answered. I didn't like that he wasn't breathing on the other line, hyper aware of the fact I couldn't hear any inhales or exhales. "Briah is extremely erratic. Jasper was able to calm him down and get him to relax, but we're worried that any surprises might cause him to run. We want to give him some time to adjust before you come to see him."

I swallowed, mouth in a tight line. I fought the urge to argue. "Alright."

"Remy," he started, careful with his tone; everything about him was so practiced and calculated, "has Briah ever told you about anything that happened to him after he was bitten?"

"What do you mean?" I retorted, something familiar creeping in the edge of my voice and the pit of my gut.

"Had he ever told you who bit him? Or what happened in the time before you made contact with him?"

"No," I lied without a moment of hesitation. I didn't know what Bear had told them and I didn't know what he wanted them to know. I wouldn't rat him out to anyone for anything.

Silence, again, this time for twelve seconds. "Are you sure, Remy?"

"Yeah," I snapped back, "I'd remember if he told me he was with anyone. Why?"

"He asked us to protect him from Victoria, and he won't tell us anything more."

"Why do you need to know anything more than that?"

"Victoria is extremely skilled at self-preservation, Remy," he explained. And I knew there had to be some part of him that was frustrated at this conversation he was forced to have with me, explaining things that to him were commonplace and clear, but he didn't let it slip. "She wouldn't keep him around if he was a threat to her. I think, based off of our history with Victoria, it would be safe for us to know the nature of their relationship."

"Well, obviously they're not all buddy-buddy, if he's asking for protection from her. And why are you asking me? Can't one of your little cronies read minds?" I questioned, tapping my toe against the ground and looking behind me to make sure Bobby was listening in.

"It's a little more complicated than that," he replied, voice slower and lower. "Everything that Edward can gather seems manipulated, and he can't tell if his thoughts are real or not."

Blood pooled on my tongue. I didn't want to know what that meant. I didn't want to know what Bear's thoughts were like and if they couldn't gather the truth from it then I didn't want to know why. "Are you gonna do anything to him?"

His reply was quick and sure, "No, of course not. We just want to understand him, and what's happened to him."

I bit down on my bottom lip and said, "That won't happen, but thank you for taking him in. Can you just," I sighed, "will you let me know when I can come and see him?"

"Of course, Remy."

Pocketing my phone, I felt either drained or relieved. I didn't know if there was a difference or if maybe it was both. For a moment, I leaned my back against the door and breathed, trying to empty my thoughts and just figure out how to move my limbs around.

I didn't know what Bear was doing. I didn't know his end game. I knew that I was lying for him and that I would keep lying for him and I didn't know what I was lying about. It made me tired. It made me sore. Bear was running around weaving webs and I was trying to catch up.

Bobby hadn't moved from her spot and for a second I wondered what it was like to be her. To be in the darkness and know that she was in the darkness and to just be completely fine with it, it perplexed me. She watched me with narrowed eyes, pensive and contemplative. Maybe she knew more than she let on. Maybe she was figuring it out. Maybe I just looked like shit. "Who was that?" she questioned while I dropped into my spot next to her.

"Oh, um," my thumbs fiddled with each other and my throat felt tight, "it's weird family stuff."

"You wanna talk about it?" she offered.

"No, absolutely not."

"Alright. Wanna go get burgers?"

"Yeah, please."

A box of cigarettes was in my hand when the door knocked.

An eyebrow quirked. The sun had long set and Bobby's parents weren't home. Leah was upstairs, snoring loudly by Bobby's side, and that left very little options for who else could be on the other side. My stomach fluttered.

I shoved the cigarettes back in my pocket and felt that thread tugging on my chest, harder and harder and I opened the door with a shaking hand.

I didn't know if I was surprised to see Embry standing there, hands shoved deep in the pockets of his jeans and the hood of his sweatshirt casting a shadow over his eyes. But my gut lurched at the sight of him anyway. That physical reaction, it happened every time. I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop it and I couldn't deny that I felt something so strong for him.

"Oh, hey," I said, sounding lame and voice pitched up an octave.

Something that wasn't quite a smirk but wasn't quite a smile played on his lips. "Hey Remy."

I wrapped my hand around the edge of the door and leaned against it. I thought I needed support. "Um, what's up?"

I wanted to kick myself for thinking about the sharpness in his jaw and the shine in his eyes while he looked down at his feet and back up at me. "I just wanted to make sure you're alright."

"Alright, I guess," I nodded, tapping my fingers against the door. Embry kept looking at me. He didn't really look at me, when we talked like that. He looked at his feet and at the sky and at anything but me. But his eyes were fixated on mine when I spoke and I realized that I couldn't look away either. I missed him. I looked at him like this would be my last time. "All things considered. You?"

"Alright," he replied, licking his lips, "all things considered."

"Nice."

Being near him for the first time in over a week was making me shake. My nerves were shot and I felt dumb, walls crumbled and dusty. I didn't know how to act around him. I had never been in a situation like that before. Embry had seen me in ways no one else had ever seen me and that made the distance between us seem thicker, heavier. There was something between us and I wanted to reach for him but I remembered the words that came out his mouth and mine and out of nowhere I wanted to cry.

"Um, tomorrow, it would be better if you just, if you stayed inside or got out of town or something," he suggested, reaching his hand out toward me, and then pulled it back. I tilted my head. "Leeches incoming."

"Oh, right. Well, me and Bobby are going to Seattle, actually. Leaving tomorrow morning and spending the day," I told him, gnawing on the soft flesh on my cheek.

"That's great! Yeah, that's um, yeah that'll be good," Embry stammered. "You'll be safe?"

"Yeah, I think I can handle it."

"Good."

"Yeah."

I nodded, looking away from him and down at my feet. I figured this would be when he left but I didn't have the nerve to ask him to stay. Words and sentences floated around in my head but nothing came out. I stepped back, moving the door back, and then forth again and I leaned my forehead against it. My breathing was shallow. Emrby stood still, watching me.

"Listen, Remy," he started, taking a step toward me and then another one back, "I really wanted to apologize for what I said. It was fucked up, to talk to you like that. That day I was just, everything was really messed up and my head wasn't right and-"

"Hey, I get it," I interrupted with a whisper, voice thick.

Embry looked at me with wide eyes and his lips slightly agape. "You do?"

I nodded, swallowing. "Your best friend was hurt, and I can't imagine what it was like to sit there while-" Embry paled, jaw clenching and breath halting. I stopped, exhaled and tried to push the screaming from my mind. "And, I mean, if I was in your place, I don't know what I would've done. I don't think my reaction would've been as tame as yours."

Embry looked at me with wet eyes and a down turned mouth. "I'm in a shitty position."

"I know you are. I am too."

"I know."

It was overwhelming, the urge to touch him, to be in his hold again. There was nothing else that felt like that. And I couldn't push it out of my head, how safe I felt, how warm I felt, how loved I felt. But I couldn't move. I didn't know what he wanted. I wanted to ask. I didn't. "This shitty situation, it's not gonna last forever, though," I told him, subversive and careful and desperate.

"No, I guess it's not," Embry agreed. I searched his eyes and he searched mine and I thought about only what I wanted. It was like I was drunk. "I do, I do miss you a lot."

"Yeah, I miss you a lot too."

"I wanna," he started, and then paused. He took a step towards me and this time stayed there. I could smell him, pine and spice and warmth. "I think we should talk after this thing tomorrow. And we can figure everything out."

I nodded. "You're gonna be safe tomorrow?"

"Yeah, of course," Embry assured me, smiling slightly. "No question."

I bit down on my bottom lip. "I'm worried about you."

"I'll be okay. Everything will be okay, alright?"

"Promise?"

And then he took a step towards me, a step inside the house and he put his hand on my shoulder. My breath halted. I forgot how warm he was. I forgot how he made me melt. "Promise, Remy. We're gonna be okay."

"Call me tomorrow night, then."

"I will." He placed a kiss on my forehead. I closed my eyes. I wanted it to last. "Of course I will."

My hair was wet, soaking wet. Clumped up together and my shirt was soaking it all up. It was the longest it had ever been and I hadn't even brushed it out yet. Rose soap wafted in the air. We were late. "Bobby!" I screamed up the stairs, trying to combat the distance and the running water of her shower. "Hurry up!"

If she responded, I didn't hear it. I was already pulling a cigarette out the carton and stepping outside, barefoot and underdressed, wearing gym shorts and a shirt of Embry's that fell to the middle of my thighs. I was feeling better. I was feeling different, lighter and electrified.

The morning air felt cool. It sent shivers through me as I brought the cigarette to my lips and lit the lighter. Grass tickled against the bottom of my bare feet and the dew flicked up against my shins. The sun had barely risen and I was feeling more awake than I had in weeks. Bear was with the Cullens. Embry had apologized. Quil was okay. Everything was okay.

Smoke clouded around me. I'd have to quit again. Embry wouldn't like it. And I knew that I didn't have to listen to him but the thought of him being disgusted with anything I did made me want to stomp the one between my fingers into the ground. So I'd do it.

I thought about kissing him again. I thought about Bear getting better. I thought about the redhead problem and how it would end today. I thought about it and I smiled and laughed and I felt something hard like concrete slam into my side and I felt the breath get knocked out of my lungs.

hi lmao. so so so sorry for what im about to do to yall. and it think this story is going to have forty chapters. so. we are very close to the end. very very close. i can see it. i will have an epilogue, and a very special halloween story coming next fall. but yeah. we're close to the end here and im really nervous and sad but also excited? this story has been such a journey lmao im getting emotional. huge huge next chapter. so. what are ur thots? let me know pls i love your reviews so much theyve been giving me so much serotonin. and im sorry i forgot the incorrect quotes last chapter, so i'll give you extra this time

incorrect quotes!

remy: did you know the moon landing was fake?
bobby: you believe in the moon?

quil: you look anxious
embry: it's the anxiety

remy: you were right
embry: wow, this is the first time you've ever said im right
remy: yeah and i hated it

remy: hey if i ask you a boy question do you promise not to be weird about it
bobby: yeah of course
remy: so embry-
bobby: you can do better

sam: we have to find the person responsible
jared: i mean, it's probably briah right. i mean, it's always briah.

bobby; i need your help
remy: great, who are we killing? i don't do kids. that's a rule. but that rule is negotiable if the kids a dick.

embry; sometimes i'll start a sentence and i don't even know where it's going. i just hope i find it along the way

bobby: my job here is to look hot and i'm doing that flawlessly

embry to remy: i love you...angel dust. wait no, that's a drug. i'll come up with a better one

quil: *takes a swig from a flask* you want some?
remy: yeah
remy: *takes a sip* this is soup?

remy: if im so mean, name one mean thing ive done
seth: well one time you convinced me eggs aren't real
remy: that is your fault for believing me

remy: the government are putting chips inside of people
paul: i hope mine are sour cream and onion

bobby: are you okay?
remy: im going to start charging people who ask me that