A/N: This chapter came to me, out of the blue, while I was mowing the lawn. I had to run inside all sweaty and phlegmy from grass pollen that fucks with my sinuses and write it down. It's 95% Edward. Kim's busy, so it's unedited. She wanted me to wait, but I got impatient. She knows me.
Thank you to Melinda (StarryEyedWriter) for pre-reading.
I apologise in advance.
***This chapter is now edited***
Black Swan
Chapter 36.
Despite the fact that Edward only visits my parents, at the very most, three times a year and barely stays a week he still has his own room.
Esme told me about it and the instant I open the door, I'm engulfed with his scent. I immediately stop dead in my tracks with my heart in my throat. Not only is the room condensed with Edward's uniquely vampire and human smell, but the entire room is a time capsule to the few months we shared our lives together.
Nothing has changed.
The same king-sized bed he slept in at Forks sits in the middle of the room—it completely escaped my mind that Edward is the only immortal in existence who needs to sleep—nestled between the matching mahogany nightstands. At the foot of the bed is my white leather chaise, and opposite is my armoire and bookcase standing between the bathroom and closet doors. On the east-facing wall is Edward's TV, PlayStation console, desk and iMac with the same bright red computer chair, while beneath the window his Yamaha keyboard sits with the same navy-blue Nike hoodie I was rarely without draped over the stool.
It was the hoodie he was wearing the day I almost drained him dry, when he was a regular boy with a very dark secret thrown headlong into a world well over his head. He fought me that day in his car. He didn't stop fighting me, even when I left nothing but a breath of life in him.
That was the moment I knew, even if I fought it as much as he fought me, and would have never admitted to it. Edward, just as Alice had foreseen, was my mate in human form.
Choked by memories that shouldn't feel so new, I pick up the hoodie and bring it to my face inhaling the scent of my once innocent boy deep into my lungs. Even after five years, I can still smell his human blood intermingled with the scent of his aftershave and that smell that was uniquely Edward, as one memory after another begins to rush me. It feels like only yesterday when I was laying on my chaise attempting to read while Edward sat at his desk wrestling with the controller of his PlayStation as he played against humans all around the world; only yesterday when I yelled at him for leaving his empty Jolly Rancher and Cheetos packets all over the floor, and only yesterday when he flashed me that sunny, boyish grin of his and crushed all my convictions in a single moment.
I slip it over my arms and wrap it around my body. It's still hopelessly too large, but just wearing it takes me right back to that moment in time I'd do anything to get back.
The bed's neatly made with the same bedding it once had, and after zipping Edward's hoodie to my chin, I crawl over the quilted cotton fabric of the comforter and close my eyes. "I'm here, you confounding boy. Please come home," I murmur close to tears as his scent, both old and new, permeates the air all around me.
On the nightstand to the right of the bed, beneath the same lamps Jane had bought me for my tenth anniversary as a vampire, sits one of my journals, bookmarked a quarter of the way through, as well as my cell phone.
It's plugged in, and after hastily grabbing it and yanking the cord from the port, I switch it on. It buzzes with forty-four missed messages, highlighted red against the small green messenger app.
Two are from Alice on the day I was shot, the rest are from Edward, and with my heart immediately accelerating, I open Alice's first.
Sat, Feb 29, 4:46 pm
Bella, answer your phone! You're in danger. Find somewhere safe with Edward, we're coming now.
The second comes two minutes later.
Bella, are you okay? Please answer me!
From my call log, I realize Edward called her back instead of texting, but I'm deliberately stalling and I know it. I can barely take a breath. It's as if my subconscious is well aware of the heartache that awaits me.
I never deleted my texts with Edward, and they begin at the very first he ever sent me. I quickly scroll back to read it.
Wed, Sep 11, 3:02 pm
Actually, I kinda would like to fuck with you, Bella.
My reply was completely senseless and did nothing but demonstrate my lack of maturity:
I'm going to kill you very slowly, fuck boy!
I break into an impulsive grin even as my heart skips and falls out of rhythm, and after scrolling past the next several months' worth, I get to the last messages we shared. It was the afternoon of the day before I died.
Edward texted first:
Fri, Feb 28, 3:56 pm
I'm heading to Sequim with Emmett, darling. You gonna be okay?
Real clever, bucko, but I'm sure I'll survive was my reply, to which Edward sent a love heart emoji as his final response.
The next message isn't until a week later, and it went unanswered.
Thu, Mar 5, 11:43 am
Bella, please come back to me.
I frown as a preemptive to keep my emotions contained even as they burn in my forehead. Edward sent this to me while I was lying dead on this very bed with him beside me. I can scarcely comprehend it, or what he went through.
Clearing my throat softly, I take a moment to mentally steel myself before I read on. The next is a little over six months later; it's long and something I'm not even remotely prepared for.
Sat, Sep 5, 2:27 pm
Bella, I'm one of you now. I didn't want to be. I didn't. Jane told me it'd be better when I was turned. She told me I'd feel better, but she lied. I feel worse. Everything is worse. I'm out of control and I feel like my chest is being torn open every second that I breathe. And I'm so hungry all the time. It doesn't stop. Not having you beside me is torture. Baby, help me. I need you. You can't be really gone. If you are, I'll kill them all! I will motherfucking gut them.
"Oh, Edward," I whisper, pausing again to roughly inhale back the threat of tears. He sounds as irrationally confused as every newborn is, and embodied with it is the anger and heartbreak he was born into.
The next arrives not quite a week later.
Wed, Sep 9, 4:56 am
Bella, My head aches every minute of the day. I hear everything and everyone and I can't stop it. I even hear you, and now I have your shield. I don't want it, so please take it back. Please. I feel like it's some kind of fucking consolation and you're really not going to wake up. Bella, I want this to stop. How do I take it back?
Friday, Sep 11, 12:07 pm
Bella baby, I met you a year ago. You dragged me on top of you in the nurse's office. Do you remember? You were so strong. I'm going mad.
The next is a month later.
Sat, Oct 31, 11:11 am
Bella, it's been almost two months. I'll be okay. Don't worry about me. Please don't worry. I'll be okay. I promise I'll be okay. Maybe I'm not right now, but I will be, so you sleep easy, baby. My vampire baby. I'll make you proud of me.
At this point, I'm forced to put my phone down and dry my tears. He still sounds so young, so innocent and being forced to survive in an unfamiliar world full of bloodshed and confusion without his mate.
When I pull myself together and retrieve my phone again, I'm determined to read without breaking.
Thu, Nov 5, 1:51 am
Bella, Jane is always watching me. I hate it. It should be you here beside me. What the fuck does she think I'm going to do? Kill her? Everyone fears her, but I could kill her in my sleep. I'm so fucking angry I could tear her head off.
Tue, Nov 17, 6:01 pm
Bella darling. I remembered how you wanted me to call you darling, so that's what I'm going to do. I remember everything, even things I forgot when I was a human. Some things I wish I could forget. Even with this body now, and how strong I am, I feel like my heart could stop at any moment from how much it aches. It doesn't though. It keeps on beating every day, and I feel you everywhere. Everywhere. Sometimes I even think I see you. It's unbearable.
Sun, Nov 29, 4:52 am
Darling baby, I know who he is now and I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him slowly until he's crying out for god and his mother to save him, and I'm going to drag it out for days and make him feel every last agonizing breath. He took you from me and I'm going to make him suffer like he has never suffered before.
Thu, Dec 3, 11:45 pm
Darling Bella, I killed him instantly. It wasn't by design, but I'm not used to this strength yet. I'm so angry at myself. Maybe I should have waited. I'm so fucking angry.
Fri, Dec 18, 10:17 am
My darling, the humans know about us and have been killing us for centuries. The piece of shit who killed you was a hitman hired by the government. It ends now. Aro has assembled a team to take care of it. Jane and Carlisle refuse to be a part of it, so it's me, Aro, Caius, Marcus, Demetri, Felix, Alec and about 50 of the Volturi guard. Nothing can stop this. Nothing. I love you. I'll be back, darling baby. This isn't the end.
Thu, Dec 24, 8:29 pm
My darling, it's over and I don't think you'll be happy with me, but god help me I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop. I killed them all. It was all for you, darling baby. All for you. I can't face you right now, but god help me.
Mon, Mar 15, 4:38 pm
Darling love, I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'm going out of my mind and every day I'm in pain from the thirst. I never wanted this without you. I don't want to be in the Volturi but killing makes it better. For a little while it makes it better.
Wed, May 26, 5:12 am
My baby darling, Aro taught me to shut out the voices. I still hear yours, though. Come back to me. Please come back.
Fri, Sep 3, 1:12 am
Darling vampire girl, I'm going home. I'm leaving you for a while, but I'll be back. I'll be back. I promise you. I haven't killed anyone else and I can control my thirst now. Are you proud of me?
Fri, Sep 17, 11:37 pm
Darling, it's been a year. My anger is back and so is my hunger. I want to kill again, but Esme, she'd be disappointed. So would you. Are you disappointed, my darling? I heard you again today. You're all around me. You're the air I breathe. God help me, I love it as much as I hate it. I can't do this.
Sun, Dec 19, 7:29 pm
Darling Bella, I'm so sorry, but I killed again. It's been almost 6 months, but I promised no more. I told myself you wouldn't be proud of me, but I did it anyway. I killed them and I felt nothing. No remorse. Nothing. I've realized something, though. No matter how much blood I spill and how many times I witness death, it doesn't bring you back. Nothing is going to bring you back, so why do I feel you? Why? I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
Tue, Feb 8, 5:39 pm
My darling, I killed again, but this time maybe I think you won't be mad about it. It was Lauren Mallory. I was in Seattle walking down 6th Avenue when she passed me. She didn't recognize me, but I reminded her of human me, and when she remembered me, she remembered you. The things she was thinking about you made me so angry I almost exposed myself in broad daylight in front of hundreds of people. I followed her back to her car and killed her. I drank every last drop of her blood, but then I remembered what I used to do with her and I puked it all back up again. I remembered the time the same thing happened to you, and I laughed. I laughed with this dead bitch in my arms covered in her own blood. Fucking hell.
Sat, Jul 23, 2:45 am
Darling, I met Helen of Troy. She's a vampire. Could a human face ever launch a thousand ships? Yours could launch a million. She wanted to fuck me. I almost ripped her head off.
Mon, Aug 22, 4:06 pm
Bella darling, Emmett and I tested out our strength against each other today. I let him win. It would have gone on all day if I didn't. He wasn't giving up, and I just didn't give a shit. I think we're pretty even. Remember when you told me I'd never be stronger than you? I wonder every day if you'd be happy with the immortal I am. Would I disappoint you? Jasper's always trying to get me to drop my shield. He wants to chill me or something. I refuse. All this pain I feel, it reminds me that you were once real. It's all I have of you. And your shield, so I keep it tight around me. No one gets in.
Thu, Sep 1, 6:19 pm
Baby darling vampire, I watched Gone with the Wind today with Esme. So, now I know. Clark Gable is that guy from that movie. I cried right in front of her. Now I just have to show you what a microwave is. I fucking miss you, beautiful vampire girl.
Tue, Oct 18, 4:17 am
Darling, I almost did it. I bought a vial of werewolf venom from a guy in South America. I came so close, but I heard you calling out to me. I swear to fucking god I heard you. I'm losing my mind. I love you, darling Bella.
Wed, Nov 30, 8:28 am
Bella darling, Jane turned Kate. I almost killed them both. Kate is staying with the Denali's, and I'm staying with your folks for a while again. Esme told me to call her 'Mom'. Sometimes I do. It makes her smile. She misses you, baby, and Rose is in a bad way. Sometimes not even Emmett can cheer her up. Darling, please come back to me. God help me, I want to die too. This pain in my heart is worse than turning. Why didn't you just kill me when I was human? At least then maybe we'd be together in Heaven. What the fuck am I saying? I don't even believe in Heaven.
Sat Dec 10, 9:25 pm
My darling girl, Alice sees you! She tries to hide it from me, but she sees you in visions of the future. You're so beautiful. The last time I saw you was with human eyes, but were you always this beautiful? What's going on? What the fuck is going on? If you're alive why is Carlisle so certain you're gone? I'm coming to see you, my darling love.
Sun, Dec 18, 6:01 am
Baby darling girl, I can't do this anymore. You're never going to wake up. This is tearing my heart out.
Sat, Dec 31, 10:11 pm
Darling Bella, my love, I can't come and see you anymore. I just can't. Aro has been trying to blackmail me into re-joining the guard. He told me he wouldn't be able to keep your body for much longer. I told him I'd rip his tongue out and feed it to rats. He apologized. I killed Felix. We're even now. If he ever threatens to harm you again I won't stop at just his bodyguards. I'm going to have to move you soon, though. He's fucking insane. Jane even inflicted pain on him. I shielded her from Valentina. It really hurt her though. She cried after in my arms and kept telling me she was sorry. Her mind was such a mess, so I'm not sure what she was sorry for. I think maybe it's for turning me, but I don't know. I'm leaving tomorrow. I fucking hate Volterra, and I can't stand that you're here as well.
Thu, Jan 5, 11:14 pm
Bella darling, Emmett said I need to sleep with as many vampires and humans as I can. He thinks I need to feel something other than all this pain. I asked him if he lost Rose would he be able to go out and fuck a million women. He couldn't answer. Carlisle told me I should go to college and study medicine. I laughed.
Wed, Jan 11, 7:38 pm
My darling love, I know who Judy Blume is. I was in New York and I passed a thrift store and this book was sitting in the window. I stopped and stared at it for an hour. I love you so fucking much. Every day this pain in my heart reminds me just how much. How do I endure it? Not even Carlisle knows.
Sat, Jan 28, 4:55 am
My darling Bella, my dad died. He killed himself. My mother was having an affair. I'm thinking about killing her. I haven't made up my mind yet. I haven't spoken to her since that day in your folk's living room when we told them you were pregnant. Dad came to your funeral, but she didn't. Don't hate me, but on your gravestone it says you're buried with our son. We named him Edward Anthony Masen the IV. I had a dream that you saw it and you muttered to yourself "I'm going to kill you, bucko." I sleep by the way. I never told you. I often think you know already, but sleeping only makes everything worse, because when I sleep, I dream and there you are. I get no escape from this pain. None. Are you really never waking up?
Mon, Feb 6, 11:02 pm
Bella darling, I killed my mother. I showed her what I am first and she went crazy. She told me she was happy you died. I told her that you were a vampire too, and you weren't really dead, but we had to fake your death. I said it just to piss her off, and even though it was only bullshit, it still felt so good. For a moment, I really believed it. You don't know how much I wanted it to be true. I didn't feed from her; I broke her neck and pushed her body down the stairs. Jane doesn't know. Remember when you used to call Esme the warden? Sometimes Jane is like that. She treats me like a kid. It's suffocating. I know she means well, but Jesus, she's uptight. She cries about you all the time. When she does, I have to leave. I can't stay. I can't.
Sat, Feb 18, 12:22 am
Darling, Rose and I got drunk. I'm drunk but I'm not drunk. My body is so hot and my heart is burning. You know what? I hate you for fucking leaving me and for being such a bitch to me when you were alive. This shit makes no fucking sense. Leave me ALONE AND GO FUCK YOURSELF! I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU FUCKING BITCH. Darling, just come back. Fucking come back! I can't fucking take this anymore!
Mon, Feb 20, 3:29 am
Darling love, I'm never getting drunk again. It made everything explode and I was so horny and you were just not here. Every day the sun rises it rips my heart out. Every fucking day. I didn't mean what I said. You know that, don't you? I'd give anything to have you here with me and to hear you tell me to go have a tantrum somewhere else and to stop pouting. I'd sell my soul for it, baby, but I don't have one.
Wed, Mar 1, 4:33 am
Darling, you've been asleep for three years. Please wake up. Please baby darling vampire girl. You belong with me, not in a box.
Fri, Apr 21, 9:38 pm
Darling beautiful girl, today I met a vampire who was over 2000 years old. He told me I was weak and 'out of my faculties'. I killed him on the spot. You're everywhere. I feel like the entire fucking planet is mocking me. I scream your name and you call mine back. Where are you baby darling? Are you lost somewhere? Where can I find you?
Mon, Jul 10, 5:00 pm
My darling love, I saw a girl today who reminded me of you. She had long brown hair, braces, stuck out ears and she was walking along the street with her head down buried in a book. Her blood didn't sing to me. Her name was Sophia. She had hazel eyes. I wanted her to be you. I wanted it so much I almost killed her. I'm back in Italy.
Wed, Aug 9, 1:01 am
Darling Bella, I almost killed Tia. She mentioned how she tried to attack me when I was still human, and something snapped in me. I remembered how mad it made you, and how you protected me. So I left Jane and I'm back with your folks. I think I'm just going to wander around for a while. I can't go back to Volterra. It's where you are. Sometimes I think maybe I should have cremated you. Maybe then I'd stop hearing you call to me. I ask Carlisle all the time if he'll re-examine your body to see if you don't have some kind of brain activity. He only gives me this sad look that I fucking detest, but no one understands. I hear you day and night, and in my sleep. It torments me like you wouldn't believe.
Wed, Sep 13, 7:49 am
Happy Birthday, my darling baby. I haven't been back to see you for a while, but I miss you. I miss you so much I think lying in a box next to you would be easier, but I live for you. Always for you.
Sat, Nov 11, 10:13 pm
Darling, I slit my own throat today. I wanted to feel real pain, not this fucking ache in my heart. To be almost drained of your own blood as a vampire is almost as bad as when you first turn. It didn't last longer than 2 minutes, though. My body healed and then I was so hungry I was feeding from a bear before I even realized it, but it felt good. For a little while, it felt good. I love you. I'll see you tonight in my dreams, baby darling. Do you dream of me too?
Mon, Dec 4, 7:42 pm
Darling Bella, I realize I never told you the story of how I became immortal. I made a pact with Aro to avenge your death and Jane turned me. I was crazy with thirst in the first year. Jane thinks I might have still been addicted to your blood. I was a vampire for a month when I realized I had your shield. Aro asked Jane to inflict pain on me to see how much I could bear. I felt nothing. That's when Jane realized how to transfer powers and she left the Volturi guard. I immediately told you that Jane was free. I knew how happy it'd make you, but you didn't reply. You only continued to sleep. After, Jane and I found a new place together and I felt like a little kid again. 'Do this, don't do that' all the damn time. She almost drove me mad. She created me and I have this weird bond with her. It's like she's my mother, but not my mother. I understand now why you stayed with Carlisle. Jane misses you so much. She found her mate. I haven't met him yet. I don't want to go back to Italy.
Sun, Dec 31, 11:56 pm
Darling baby girl, vampires bury themselves. Did you know that? Once they surpass extreme thirst, they go into a living death. We can sleep together. I think that's what I'm going to do.
Thu, Feb 29, 2:22 pm
My darling, it's been 4 years since that day I lost you in the rain. Only 4 years and yet it feels like it's been 400 years. Time doesn't heal any wounds in this body. Time makes you feel them a thousand times more. I hate this. I fucking hate this. How do I make this end? Please help me, darling. This can't be my life for the next ten thousand years.
Wed, Mar 13, 7:58 am
My darling, the first time I saw you and you turned your eyes to me in the cafeteria, my heart stopped and I got pins and needles everywhere. Did you feel it too? I knew it wasn't normal. You weren't just a beautiful girl. I remember thinking 'there she is. She's the one'. That was the day I was connected to you. I'm always going to stay connected to you even if you sleep for eternity.
Fri, Mar 29, 4:05 am
My darling, I don't kill anymore. I am not going to turn into a savage animal. You never wanted that for me. I can't live thinking you're disappointed in me. If they're murderers or rapists, I kill them without thinking, but when I feed, I don't kill. I'm friends with Garret. He's really chill and relaxed and being around him helps me loosen up for a while. He mated with Kate. I'm happy for her, but she won't look at me. I thought it was awkward for her because we used to go out, but she can't bear to see the pain in my eyes. She has this weird gift where she can send out bolts of electricity when she's pissed. She took Garrett down one night in 2 seconds. It was funny as hell. It doesn't work on me, though.
Thu, Apr 18, 9:37 pm
Bella darling, I almost fucked a human today. I killed her before anything could happen, though. She kept thinking about how I was some kind of Greek god, and I crushed her skull. I didn't mean to, I just wanted her to stop thinking that ridiculous shit. I feel terrible. Not because I killed her, but because I was almost unfaithful to you. Remember you told me you'd kill me if I ever was? I almost slipped up. Almost. But we never got to be together as true equals and that fucking haunts me. I'm so sorry.
Tue, May 7, 5:54 pm
Darling baby, no human's blood sings to me. It just smells like food. I want to know what you felt when you were around me, but I don't feel it. Sometimes I search for weeks for a human who is my singer, but I never find them. I wonder whether I would have if I met you as a human. I would have fallen in love with you, baby. You were always beautiful.
Fri, May 31, 9:09 pm
My darling love, I was thinking about that time in my car when your blood engorged me and you had to drain me. Do you remember? I was laughing and crying in the middle of the street and people were staring at me. You know what they were thinking? That poor, beautiful, fucked up boy.
Thu, Jun 20, 5:52 am
Baby darling, it's my birthday. I'm 25. You're 17 and I'm 25. You're so young and I'm not a boy anymore, but the crazy thing is I wanted to stay one. I always wanted to be your idiot human boy. I'm going to have to stop this. I keep waiting for it to get better but it doesn't. Every day is worse than the one before, and just typing your name is unbearable. You're not fading away, darling girl. You're front and center in my heart every second of the day. I've met so many vampires, and do you know what they tell me? After a decade or two it will ease and I'll feel better, but they don't know I can read their minds and know they're lying to me. They're bullshitting straight to my face. It will never go away. Bella darling, why aren't you waking up? You're conscious there somewhere, I know you are. I hear you every day. I feel you. Come back to me.
Mon, Jul 1, 5:28 pm
My darling Bella, I've made my mind up to throw my phone away. I can't keep doing this. I can't. Please can you leave my heart? What do I have to do to get you out? Please, please, darling baby, I need peace, but even when I sleep, I get none. How can I live like this? Please stop talking to me. Stop calling out to me, and stop making me feel you. Stop, darling. Please stop.
Sat, Jul 27, 2:12 am
Bella darling, I'm about to let you fall into the Northern Atlantic. I'm on an ocean liner, it's 2 in the morning and one of the crew is on the front deck with a radio. You know what song is playing? Somewhere from West Side Story. I watched that movie for Language Arts in 9th grade. At the time, I thought it was lame as shit, but now, I don't know. It feels poetic. I have to believe we'll see each other again, darling girl. It's what keeps me going. So you keep on talking to me, Bella. You keep on letting me feel you, and I'll keep meeting you in my dreams. Goodbye for now my darling, beautiful, crazy, scary vampire mate. This idiot boy will never stop loving you. But at least now I understand why. Because for a little while, I belonged to you, and you were mine.
A/N: Believe it or not I did tone it down so it was less angsty. Edward originally went into more detail, but then I figured he's sending these messages to her in text, so they'd probably be vague.