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Chapter 37

From: kakwet1990

To: anne_shirleycuthbert

Subject: Re: Vocations, vocations...

Dearest Melkita'ulamun

You know I have always thought you have a gift with words. It's one of the first things that brought us together in the first place, how you would be living with that horrid family but still be able to create the most wonderful stories. That you wanted to share them with children and help them overcome difficult years with your help, is something I think it's equally valuable.

Do I think you could make a living and be happy teaching? Yes.

Do I think the same about you making a living creating stories? Of course.

I understand that community doesn't work quite the same for you as it does for me and you as an individual generally have to maintain a certain level of income to be sure to have all your needs met. However, you have also told me about Gilbert and how he's offering you this gift. I would say if he offers it, don't disparage it. I don't think he does it lightly, but with all his heart. You can always re-evaluate, my dear kindred spirit. This is one decision that is not set in stone.

Take much care. With love,

Kak'wet

Anne reread the email a couple more times, thinking what to do. Some weeks had gone since Gilbert had first told her about his new opportunity and given her the option of considering, with calm, what she truly wanted to do. She didn't want to take it lightly. Considering what other perspective she would consider valuable (because she wanted to hear what everyone wanted to say before making her own decision), she decided that a call to Miss Stacy was probably long overdue. She sent her a message, knowing she would probably be in class, and waited for her to answer.

She was having some tea and reading a new book a couple of days later when her phone rang. She had been mulling over Kak'wet's email, waiting for Miss Stacy's call and thinking, feeling like these weeks she was living through were somehow momentous in her life. She could always correct the course later, of course (she was doing that very same thing now, after all). But this was the first time she felt like the world was opening itself to her with possibility, with a clear head and a full heart. With less insecurities than before and more confidence in her self-worth. And it was not only opening in terms of what she could do professionally… But maybe, in what she could become with Gilbert? In what they could do together, create together?

"Miss Stacy!" she greeted, smiling brightly.

"Anne! I'm sorry, I got caught up in the university the other day and just remembered your message. How are you?"

"I'm good, thank you. How are things over in PEI? How are you?" she asked, always wanting to know what her favorite professor of all time was up to. They talked for some minutes, Miss Stacy telling her all about her latest project and Anne telling her about her last couple of months, which led to… "So that's actually the reason I'm calling you about. Well, there's maybe something else I could run by you. But first… So, Gilbert told me to actually take the time and think about what I want, and while you know I was always incredibly interested in teaching kids, I can't really stand all the bureaucracy that goes with them."

"Yes, I do remember a couple of incidents," Miss Stacy chuckled. Anne laughed as well, now looking back fondly at what, at the time, were episodes that had stressed her to no end, when she had come at odds with the faculty teachers. "So what else do you have in mind?"

"Well… actually writing. Like, writing for kids and maybe try and publish some books?" she said, feeling suddenly insecure. Miss Stacy was one of the persons she looked up to the most, especially in professional and intellectual terms. If she could see her writing… Then she would feel more confident following her gut, and she would think later about how to repay Gilbert for his patience. Because at some point she had to pay something in the apartment, she was sure about that.

"What kind of books, Anne?" Miss Stacy asked gently, and Anne embarked in all the ideas she had for her fairy tales and how she could approach them in a way that didn't seem like homework but that could be kind of educational as well. They debated back and forth for a while, Miss Stacy providing more insight and perspective, just as she had thought she would. In the end, Miss Stacy seemed almost as excited as Anne. "Well, you will have to send me the stories as soon as you write them! I can't wait to read them. And if you do decide to go back to teaching, please let me know. One friend moved to Ontario, so maybe I could put a word in for you. But even if you teach, Anne, don't forget about this project. It has a lot of potential, I can already tell."

"Thank you, Miss Stacy," Anne replied. "Honestly, your perspective, and all this stimulant conversation is what I had been missing, and now I have a much clearer idea of how to go about this project if I decide to pursue it. I would still have to talk with Gilbert to see how I can help to pay for stuff around here, I've been here for months and I don't really want to impose."

"Anne, the situation with Gilbert is something that is not going to go away on its own. If you don't talk with him about the expenses you both have, and the expectations you have of the other… You need to communicate very clearly in all these aspects if you both want to have a lasting, healthy relationship. Being straightforward and communicative in financial matters is as crucial as compatibility in other areas of life. I know it's a boring subject, but it is an important one."

"I know… And probably, it's a bit overdue. But you're right, it's something we will have to tackle at some point, and it makes more sense to do it sooner rather than later."

"That's right. Now, I remember you had mentioned that there were two thing you wanted to consult me about?"

"Oh, right! I am writing a book with a close friend of mine. She's a Mi'kmaq, and we're trying to bring forward all their traditional storytelling. We're working with the elders in her community to make sure that we're doing this the right way, and we want to donate the profits to organizations that cater to indigenous kids in the foster system… You do know how awful it is, and how badly funded and racist the whole thing is. We want to do what we can to help a little bit," she explained. "We have already finished the first draft, and the community is looking at it… Eventually, we're going to need some kind of contact in editorial houses that might be open to this concept, and I thought that maybe you…"

"Anne, of course I would help you with that. I can even give a look to the draft if you want and give you another opinion, one that is distanced from the situation."

"Oh, that would be so great!" Anne exclaimed. "I am just waiting for Kak'wet to send me the last comments, and I will tell her about your offer. I don't think she has any issues regarding that, so probably once we have more of a final draft, I would send it to you, if that's alright?"

"It is. Please, talk about it with her, and I will guide you when it's time with the editorial houses I know. There aren't many where I have contacts, but hopefully one of them will be as interested in your project as I am. And I've only known about it for about two minutes, so there you have," Miss Stacy explained. "Well, Anne, I'm afraid I have to go. It has been great talking to you and getting to know all these exciting opportunities you have in front of you, and to hear how much happier and more relaxed you sound than in our last conversation. So, keep me posted, ok?"

"Of course, Miss Stacy. Thank you for your perspective."

A week or so went by after the call with Miss Stacy and Gilbert started noticing how Anne went more to the bathroom and checked her phone constantly. It wouldn't have worried him if she didn't look so uneasy and nervous. After asking a couple of times (on different days) if everything was ok, he tried not to push it anymore. Until she was getting on his nerves.

"Ok, Carrots, what's going on?" he finally asked as she tapped her foot while they had breakfast, her sight lost, biting her lower lip, oatmeal clearly forgotten.

"What? Nothing, all is good," she answered, not looking at him.

"Anne, look at me and tell me what's going on," he insisted. "I'm worried about you."

"It's just... " me bit her lip as if she was trying to think of how to deliver the news. "My period is late."

"Your period is late?" he felt a weight inside him. "When was it due?"

"Around Tuesday? And I've been pretty regular… since… well, always. One or two days off. No more," she explained. And it was Sunday. Gilbert nodded.

"You do know it can be stress, right?" he proposed.

"But how can it be stress? I mean, I've been far more stressed many other times in my life and this thing has never been late. Ever. Inconvenient as it is, it has been a most faithful companion," she said, her forehead scrunched with worry. "Annoying, yes, and painful and uncomfortable, but faithful, Gilbert. Always present. And it is just not coming."

Gilbert nodded, thinking back on Montreal. They had calculated and she could have not possibly been ovulating around those days. Unless she somehow had ovulated twice in this cycle? It was… possible, but honestly? To get pregnant this way? Only precum, about two weeks before what would be her usual ovulation time? It was too far fetched. She was looking at him expectantly.

"I honestly think it's stress, Anne-girl," he said softly, caressing her hand. "The more you want it to happen, the longer it will take for your body to let go," he explained, and she looked at him, as if he somehow had the power to make her period appear out of nowhere. "Look, if it makes you feel better, we can go and grab a test at the pharmacy."

"A… test?"

"A pregnancy test? Maybe seeing a negative will ease your mind? And, if it's a positive, which I highly doubt, wouldn't it be better to know now?" Gilbert said softly. She bit her lips again and nodded. "Let's go after breakfast. And try to relax, Anne. It is not the end of the world, even if you are pregnant. We can handle this. We are adults in a healthy relationship, this would be… just out of time."

"I'm not ready to be a mom," she said quietly, almost without thinking. Or… was she? If she was more inclined to write, and Gilbert didn't actually have problems with her giving a way smaller share than he did to the household, then… Maybe? Was he interested, anyway? She could actually… kind of see them as parents. Which was equally frightening and scary. But kind of right in her gut.

"And you probably won't be, not now. But you would be a great mom. The best. Eat your breakfast, I don't want you all hungry in ten minutes," he insisted, knowing how much her emotions played with her ability to eat food.

They were out the door soon after that and Gilbert tried to keep the mood light as they walked to the nearest pharmacy, but Anne was too absorbed in her thoughts. To be honest, he was too. He was almost certain the test would be negative, and he had proposed it more as a means of putting her mind at ease, but… even if it was a remote possibility, looking at her and thinking she might be with his child at that very moment made him feel warm inside. Would it be so bad? To have a kid now? A kid that could grow with Ella and Fred's, who they could love so much? Red haired like his mom?

Anne was trying not to think, feeling her underwear… dry. She never in her life thought about how her panties felt, but these past few days she had been uncomfortably aware of how dry they were and she longed to stain them just to ease her mind. She had even worn her favourite white ones today in an attempt to lure fate into staining them. Because that's how it worked. Usually. But apparently, not the past few days.

What she had told Gilbert was true enough, though. She was not ready. She didn't have a job, she was still on the verge of going back to study (more and more inclined towards writing with each passing day, but who could live off that, honestly? And that was a whole conversation she still hadn't had with Gilbert), she was correcting that first draft of her story book, she had just moved in with Gilbert… And as much as she was sure she wanted to have kids with him at some point in life, she just didn't think that right now was the best time. Mainly because of her employment status. And maybe study. And the bills. She looked at him, walking calm next to her, his presence steady and comforting. Or maybe it was a good time?

They arrived at the pharmacy and put their masks on before entering, Gilbert guiding her to the family planning section. They stood in front of the condoms, all kinds of lubricants, the ovulation tests, the medications against yeast infections… and a myriad of pregnancy tests.

"How do you even choose one?" she asked, more to herself than anything else. He shrugged. All of them looked so… happy and optimistic and that clearly didn't go with her mood.

"You pick whichever you want. You're already late, all of them will be equally effective at this point, I think. It's more of a matter of presentation and if you want stripes or smiley faces or big sticks or not," he said. She took the box that was directly in front of her that included three tests. A fast one seemed like a good idea, and then an early response couldn't hurt and an easy read thing should help clear things up, right? In case there was any doubt? He extended his hand to go pay for it. "You don't need anything else? Which is the brand you like, by the way? I'm still lost," he commented as they passed in front of the tampons.

"We don't even know if I'll need anything, Gil," she said. "The one you brought is nice, anyway. I still have. And I was thinking about getting a cup."

"Ok. So, nothing else?" Gilbert asked again.

"No. Can we go? I actually have to pee so it's perfect timing," she said. They went to the self-checkout and walked quickly back to the apartment.

"Why didn't you go before we left?" he asked as he saw her squirm when they still had two blocks left.

"What, and waste valued pee?" she answered, as if he was insane.

"You do know you pee several times a day, right? It's not the last pee of your life"

"I want to get this over with," she said, walking a bit faster as she felt her bladder about to explode. They went inside the building and she all but sprinted as she opened the box. Gilbert followed her, shaking his head, and found the bathroom door closed when he finally got there.

"All good, Anne-girl?" he asked through the door.

"All good! Just…" and then he heard her pee. He sat against the wall next to the door, trying not to think that his life could be on the verge of changing. Even if all the statistics were against it. He looked at his phone. How long did this test take, anyway? He heard the toilet flush and then the door opened and Anne sat next to him, leaving the three tests on the floor, next to her. She rested her head on his shoulder.

"How do you feel?" he asked, holding her hand.

"Anxious," she answered, watching her phone's stopwatch. "Oh, blue one's done! Can you look?" she said, passing the test with the blue cap to him and hiding in his chest. Confused. He looked at the white window.

"Only one stripe, Anne. Negative," he said, trying to sound unaffected and not horribly crushed. He hadn't realized how much he hoped for the remote chance to become a reality until it was thoroughly denied. And it really wasn't fair to Anne.

"Are you sure?" she asked with a shaky voice that unsettled him even more. She felt hollow inside, even when she was so sure of not wanting any baby right now. Because she was sure, right?

"Just the control mark, sweet girl," he assured her, holding her tightly. "Which one is next?"

"Either one. At the three minute mark," she mumbled against his chest. He stretched a bit to look at the stopwatch and then to grab the two remaining tests. He looked at them, already knowing what they were going to say and saw the Not pregnant on a little screen in one and the lone line in the window of the other.

"Both negative," he said, letting them on the side. He sighed, holding her. She didn't say anything. "Do you feel better now?" he asked after a few minutes.

"I…" she didn't really know why she didn't feel good. She felt some relief, yes, but mostly an unsettling hole inside her. "I don't know, Gil," she finally confessed. He tried to look at her.

"What happened?" he asked, worried, as he saw her eyes well up with tears. "Anne-girl, are you ok? I thought this is what you wanted."

"I feel so confused right now," she said. "Aren't you supposed to take those tests with the first pee in the morning?"

"It's not the nineties anymore, Anne. They're more accurate now. You only need your first pee if you're taking them before you miss your period. And one of those was an early response one, the kind that's designed to… well, be taken early. I don't understand, I thought you wanted it to be negative."

"I did! I do! Gil, I don't get why I feel bad about this," she said, not understanding how she felt at all. Empty. Confused. He kissed her head.

"Come, I'll prepare you a tea, we can cuddle and talk through this," he said. They got up and, true to his word, prepared her a chamomile tea with milk even when it was only eleven in the morning. She received it gratefully, feeling at odds with herself. They went to the sofa and she scooted close to him. They stayed in silence for a while. "What is going through your mind, Carrots?"

"I don't know. I feel so confused. I don't want kids now, not without a job, I feel we just got together and I don't know if it's too soon because people take this things with planning and they wait for months before going to live together but we're weird and I just came to live with you out of nowhere and we didn't even talk before and this whole thing was unplanned because I was reckless but at the same time I feel so hollow I don't know what to think and I do want kids with you and…"

"You want kids with me?" he interrupted her.

"That's the only thing you pick up?"

"From your rambling? Anne-girl, no. I understand your worries. And… I wish I understood what you mean by hollow. I just feel inexplicably sad at something I never had. But wanting kids with me? Love, that's... " he almost choked. She looked at him and he swallowed, trying to regain his bearings. "I don't care if it's soon by anyone's standards, we're not measuring against them. Our relationship goes at our pace and that's it. We don't have to wait for anything we don't want to."

"But would you even want them?" she asked, not sure if Gilbert would even want her kids even when he had said so a couple of times before.

"Anne, the only way in life I've ever considered kids in my life is if you're the mom. Or if I was a bachelor and somehow adopted one. And that's been a reality for many, many years. I just want imaginative redheads with big dreams running around," he answered honestly. She breathed deeply against him, feeling warm and secure as his arm held her close. "But I would prefer to have them whenever you feel confident and ready, and I won't push it."

"You'd have them now?" she asked, turning to look at him. He thought for a second.

"Yes… and no. What I would truly love was that you took the plunge and went back to study if it's what you really want, or wrote your stories, but we already discussed it and I understand you're thinking about your options. I want kids, but I mainly want you happy and fulfilled and that comes first," he said carefully.

"It's expensive, Gil," she said. Though she couldn't quite remember how much the tuition was. And she still had to pay her share of the house. If only he would allow her.

"Have you even checked, Anne-girl?"

"I did… a couple of years ago."

"It's around $10,000. Yes, I checked because I'm curious. Around that, and you don't have to pay it upfront. It's a fair amount of money, but it's hardly something if you consider the cost of a master degree," he said. She swallowed. It still was a lot of money. "Would your savings cover that?"

"It… Gil, I have to live off something, I can't just put every penny I have in there. I still have to pay you for the rent and the groceries and I have to leave something aside for other expenses and…" she rambled, and felt how Gilbert sighed under her as he made a resolution. Well, apparently they were going to have that conversation, and she actually felt relieved.

"Ok, let's do this," he said, as if he was bearing himself to something he was not quite sure of. He turned to look at her and she sat against the sofa. He had an earnest expression that Anne already knew meant he meant business. It was the same he had sported whenever they made any deal as teens. "Do you have any idea of how much I make?"

"What? No! Why would I?"

"Take a guess," he said. She said a random number. "No. More. Take into account the ciders as well." he said. She said something slightly higher and he lifted an eyebrow as if he was daring her. Was that her best guess, honestly? She said another number, one she thought was ridiculous. "I make about $300,000 a year. Give or take. Depending on the apples."

"You're kidding, Gilbert Blythe," she said when she regained her ability to speak. He shook his head.

"I'm not. I just save much of it and donate a whole lot. Anne. When I tell you that it really is not necessary for you to pay me rent, I am being serious. It is not necessary. I love more than anything having you here and I earn enough so you can concentrate on your studies or your writing or whatever you want to do and don't worry about anything. And that makes me so, so grateful. I would even offer to pay for the course, but…"

"Don't you dare," she said, looking seriously at him.

" But I know you wouldn't allow it because you are independent and want to do it yourself, which I value so much," he continued. "I love you, Anne-girl. I want to share my life with you. And because curing cancer happens to be my passion and oncologists happen to be well paid, you don't have to worry about rent or a house but focus on your passions, ok? No questions asked. What I have is yours, I am serious."

"So I go back to study?" she asked, but the stories actually coming more to her mind.

"If that is what you truly want, you go back to study," he said. She bit her lower lip. Not ten minutes before they were talking about kids. And now she could go back to study? She had thought about it in the past few weeks, since Gilbert had talked to her about his opportunity and asked what she wanted to do. But every day she sat down to write she was more sure that this was what she wanted to do, the ideas flowing and transforming into words in a way she hadn't felt in a long time. She remembered her talk with Miss Stacy as well. Kak'wet's email. "Have you thought about it?"

"I have… But I'm actually leaning more towards the writing aspect. I guess if I do decide to study I could do that next year as well?"

"You can go back to study whenever you want. As long as it works with the academic year, I suppose. And I read what you sent me- it's amazing. If you're leaning towards that… I can't wait to read what you write. Just do it with the peace of mind you can take as long as you need and not worry about paying rent. And don't think about this as condescending, but as an opportunity. I know you'd do the same if the roles were reversed."

"Yes, of course I would. If writing paid anything and being an oncologist didn't. You're pretty amazing, you know that, right?"

"Again, I just love you, Carrots. You are pretty amazing, managing to write like that. And going back to where all this began: whenever you want to start a family with me, we can do so. Without looking at arbitrary timelines." She looked at him, amazed that this guy, this incredibly humble and intelligent and generous man could love her that much. What had she done to deserve him? He looked at her, raising an eyebrow, trying to understand her expression "What?"

"I just love you, Gilbert Blythe," she said, smiling shyly, as if she was admitting something outrageous. He smiled boyishly. He knew, even when she didn't say it. It was too evident even for him to not know it.

"I love you too, Anne-girl," he answered, kissing her forehead before bringing her close to his chest again and cuddling with her, with no intention of moving or doing anything that implied getting anywhere far from the other. He wanted her close to his heart that day. The negatives still present in his mind.

"Blythe, what's on your mind?" Fred asked Gilbert the next day as they crossed the hallways of the hospital on their way to the coffee shop. "I would have thought it was about Jones, if it wasn't because you were already like this when Yang gave us the news of him getting fired. So what's going on?" Gilbert's hand went to the back of his neck, uncomfortable, and Fred's slapped him. "Blythe!"

"I'm just confused, that's all," he said. "Anne… her period, for some reason, is late."

"Are you kidding… you're going to be a..." Fred's eyes were huge, his smile starting to appear as Gilbert interrupted him mid sentence, his voice tense.

"Don't even finish that. No. I'm not. The point of her going to see Dr. Oak was to avoid her getting pregnant. We went yesterday to Shoppers and bought some tests and all were negative. So no, your kid isn't growing with mine so don't get your hopes up."

"But?"Fred asked, always in tune with him and giving the most logical follow-up question. He sighed deeply, gathering his thoughts.

"I believe I should feel relieved about it being negative, you know? It wasn't planned, Anne looked anxious, we just sorted out this mess between us… It doesn't make sense right now, I suppose."

"But you want it?" Fred asked as Gilbert trailed off.

"I hadn't even realized how much. A family, Freddie. With Anne. How…? I've longed for my own family since I was a teen and convinced myself all through my twenties that it was just not going to happen in the way I had dreamt of, because if it wasn't with Anne, I just pictured myself as a single parent. And then… I feel guilty, that's the thing," Gilbert explained, finally able to name what was on his heart.

"About wishing it to be positive?"

"Yes. Because it makes me so, so selfish Fred. But I can't help it. I want her children. As soon as she wants them. And there was this… tiny window of chance, and somehow I just had so much unacknowledged hope that…"

"You just crashed," Fred said as they turned on the corridor, the door to the street finally at the end of the corridor.

"Hard," Gibert admitted, feeling deflated. He wished he didn't feel this bad about the whole thing.

"It will happen when it happens, Blythe. It's normal for you to have hopes and expectations and everything, because you've been holding this idea for so long. But don't live off that idea. Live off what is really happening in front of you and enjoy the moment. The family will come when it has to come and you will deal with that in that moment."

"Oy Blythe!" they heard and turned to see a completely enraged Jones walking towards them at a decisive pace. Gilbert frowned. Wasn't he supposed to be gone by now? Before he could think of anything to say though, Jones lifted his fist and hit him square on the jaw. "That's for you little shit of a whore!" he yelled as a security guard walked quickly to where they were, holding Jones as Gilbert tried to lunge towards him but was stopped by Fred, who held him firmly by the arms.

"Wright, let me go this fucking instant! No one speaks like that of Anne!" he growled, trying to get Fred's arm off him.

"Blythe, yes, you are angry and offended but hitting this git won't solve anything," Fred told him, his voice strained but firm as he struggled to detain him. The guard managed to control Jones and started taking him away and Gilbert stopped pulling as hard. "It won't resolve anything and will only cause you trouble! Now, I'm going to let go of you in ten seconds, ok?"

"I fucking hate that guy," he said as he arranged his shirt, taking a hand to his mouth and looking then at blood in his fingers. "Shit."

"And you have every reason to, but don't let him get to your head. Hitting him wouldn't change his view on all this. Now, let's get you cleaned up, he throws a nasty punch," Fred said, signaling back to the corridor so they could get some antiseptic. Gilbert shook his head, frowning deeply. "I'm sorry I stopped you. But nothing good would have come of it and you would have gotten into trouble. And it's not worth it. Jone's isn't."

"I know. Still wish I could have gotten away with it," Gilbert said, sitting on the stool Fred was signaling.

"I know, Blythe," Fred said, cleaning the cut on Gilbert's lip. "Sorry, mate, but that thing is going to swell. Let's get you some ice before it goes too bad. I know we were talking about something else, and we will go back to it, but… are you alright? I've never seen you this aggressive, it's a little out of character for you," he said, looking him straight in the eyes.

"It's…" Gilbert started, sighing. He looked at the floor, embarrassed. "I know it's not rational, Fred. But I listen to someone disrespecting Anne, and it sends me back to highschool. There was this guy, Billy Andrews, the biggest bully you can imagine… I used to go into a lot of trouble because of him."

"So you're going back to being a teen because Anne is around and you feel like you have to defend her?" Fred asked.

"I… guess so? It sounds a bit ridiculous when you put it like that."

"Having to hold you is getting a bit ridiculous, Blythe," Fred said, slapping his hand and looking sternly at him. "Drop that nervous habit. Seriously."

"Right," Gilbert said standing again, frowning. They resumed their path towards the exit.

"There are healthier ways to deal with that, you know?" Fred proposed gently, as they went outside and the summer heat hit them. Gilbert nodded. "Honest. You can talk with me whenever, you can affront conflict in way healthier ways I know you're familiar with…"

"I know, I know. I really have to stop behaving like a teen," Gilbert mumbled, feeling slightly in a bad mood.

"You have to understand as well that Anne can defend herself and that you fighting won't solve anything," Fred insisted sternly. Gilbert nodded, touching his lip. It really didn't make sense. And Jones wasn't Billy Andrews. The guys at the park certainly weren't even a slight danger for Anne, honestly more into sports than anything else, and she had been relaxed. He had to trust her and let go of this obsession of taking care of her in such irrational ways.

"Thanks, Freddie," he finally said.

"No need to thank. It's what we do, calling each other out when we're being idiots," Fred replied. Gilbert chuckled. That much was true. "And seriously, whenever you need to talk…"

"You're here. I know," Gilbert replied, feeling grateful. "Thanks."

"Again, no need," Fred insisted as they got closer to the coffee shop. "So, about Anne… You feel deflated why?"

"It's not an impulse, Freddie," Gilbert admitted, going back to the subject they've been discussing before Jones had interrupted them. "I know we just got together. But I want a family with her. I really do. I've known it for… I don't know. And I think I only realized how much I wanted it when the tests came back negative."

"Have you talked about it with her?"

"She was the first to want a negative, Fred. There again… she was confused when it was negative," Gilbert said.

"Well, talk to her. Maybe it can surprise you. Or you both can make a plan or something. Oh, and please? I know it's off subject, but please would you look at the comments on her post about the dog?"

"I did read them. I'm just not acknowledging them, Fred. We are not getting a dog while living in that apartment, the poor animal would live depressed for lack of space. We will get a house, and then a dog. Not the other way around. And I know she understands that and is just teasing."

"Just so you know, all the nurses think you are being mean, keeping a dog off her," Fred said, smiling teasingly as they went out of the room, Gilbert holding the ice pack to his face. "Just in case you wonder why they are not nice today."

"They are nice every day, Fred."

**Carrots (12:30): I know I should know this by now, but where do you keep your medicines?

**Gilbert Blythe (12:31): Are you ok? What happened?

**Carrots (12:31): I just want some tylenol. I have cramps. Relax, dr. Blythe

**Gilbert Blythe (12:32): Blue box under the bathroom sink. Let me know if I can do anything.

**Carrots (12:31): 😘

Anne looked for the blue box and chuckled at the neat assortment of medicines Gilbert had, all organized. She took what she needed and put it back in its place. She put some water to warm for tea and sat on the counter, waiting for it to boil, looking absentmindedly to the plants. The chat she'd had with Gilbert the previous day was still going around in her mind. The negative tests and how they were still coming to haunt her, which was a whole huge topic all on its own. And her, studying, writing...

She saw what he had been doing, buying random books and stuff, now. Warming her up to the idea of going back. It was actually cute in its own way. And now she felt out of sorts, because she had thought she wanted that for so long… It had been her goal back in BC. After paying her student debt and whatever other debts were still standing from Green Gables, she had started to save for it. After what Gilbert said, she was sure she could pay the tuition upfront and still be left with savings, if she really didn't have to pay for any other big expenses. And suddenly she wasn't so sure. Well. She hadn't been sure anyway, that's why she had written to Kak'wet and called Miss Stacy and why she had told Gilbert she was leaning more towards writing.

And if she went in the writing direction… that actually opened even more doors. To consider things that seemed so unattainable before. She winced as her pain got worse for a second, still thinking. Maybe, if she wrote… And with Gilbert's income…. They could consider a family. But first, she needed to sort out the write/study dilemma. She tapped on the counter impatiently, and finally took out her phone.

"Hey, Jerry," she greeted.

"Anne, chérie! What's up?"

"Nothing much, actually. Are you busy?" she asked.

"Not much, why? Something on your mind?"

"It's just… I need your honest perspective?" she explained. Because she loved Cole, but she also knew how biased he was sometimes. Same as Diana. And it wasn't like Jerry was completely imparcial, but he was upfront and tested her in a way her dear friends didn't. He didn't embellish stuff.

"Ok, I'm all ears. Shoot," he said, and Anne could tell he had gone out of the house as she heard the door slide behind him.

"So… I was speaking with Gilbert the other day. We were discussing… stuff about the future, and the topic came out about what I want to do. You know how I haven't managed to secure interviews…"

"I wasn't even aware you were still looking for something," Jerry commented. Anne bit her lips and hopped off the counter to prepare her tea. "Are you still looking for something?"

"Well… Kind of. I mean, I haven't really sent my resume in some weeks… But the profile is still up everywhere, so… Kind of, I guess. But the thing is, I was talking with Gilbert about that and suddenly he was very insistent on me not taking any job if it doesn't make me happy?"

"What do you mean?" Jerry's voice was curious, but not judging. Calm, like he always was. She curled on the sofa.

"He was kind of insistent on me looking for whatever I want to do without contemplating the expenses of the house, saying he's covering for them. And I just don't know how to feel about that. It feels… wrong, you know?"

"Like he's providing for you and you're some kind of housewife?" Jerry scoffed.

"Exactly!"

"Anne. I know Blythe. I'm sure it's not what he has in mind. What was the conversation about, again? You, looking for something you want to do? I'd say it's an opportunity."

"But it's not wrong? We've been together for such a short time and it's like…"

"Anne, it is Blythe and you we're talking about. You might have been kissing for a short time, but in both your stubborn minds it doesn't work that way. I'm sure he doesn't say so because he doesn't think you're able to work, or because he wants you at home. He just doesn't want you doing some petty job you hate," Jerry said, in that voice that always helped ground Anne. She sighed. "What worries you, sis?"

"He mentioned me going back to study. You know, the certificate I kept talking about?"

"You're still hung up on that? I thought you were writing a book with your friend and that it was going well. So, going back to study?"

"That's the thing. It's like I could go for it now if I wanted, but now that it's available, I don't want it anymore," she explained. Jerry laughed. "What?"

"I knew it, that's the thing," Jerry said. Anne was about to interrupt but he talked again and she waited. This was the reason she had called him. "Look, let me explain. I mean, I do believe you like that pedagogy stuff, I just don't see you going through with it. As in going back to answer to people and following a schedule and having to be silent about stuff you can't stand. That's not you. That already got you fired once."

"Well, I'm not looking forward to that, I can say that," Anne admitted.

"Sis, you're made to be free. To answer to yourself. Answering to whatever principal's agenda will never be your thing. I see you more in writing. Maybe studying and incorporating that stuff in the stories you write about, remember how you were teaching Marie about the colours? That was based on something you studied before and you turned it flawlessly into a story."

"I really like that, you know? Writing kids stories? I love the project I have with Kak'wet, but I keep going back to the fairytales I used to write in school."

"Why don't you? I mean, I have no idea of Cole's projects once he moves to Toronto, but he's always been into illustration, you could even do something with him."

"Jerry, that's… actually a great idea," she muttered, surprised.

"I hate you sound surprised, Anne," Jerry said, mildly offended. "Look, all I'm saying is that what you're seeing as Blythe putting chains around you to keep you at home, I see more as a gift he's giving you so you can do something fulfilling. See it as an opportunity. If you want to go back to study and teaching, by all means, do so. But don't go there just because you think it's where you're supposed to be."

"Anne?" Gilbert called as he entered the apartment and kicked his shoes off. "I brought you something, Carrots."

"You did?" he heard her say, and not ten seconds later she was on the living room threshold, smiling. Her smile went in a second as she looked at him. "What happened, Gil?"

"About?"

"Your lip?"

"Jones. He got fired today… wasn't happy about it."

"Someone got fired because of me? Are you ok? Does it hurt? Can I do something?" she asked, getting closer to him and bringing her fingers to his lips, touching softly.

"First, it's ok, Carrots. It looks worse than it feels. Second, he didn't get fired because of you. He got fired because of his behaviour with women, among whom yes, there's you. But the complaint Fred and I filled in on your behalf was only one more in a long string of misbehaviour that was the last straw. Don't even think about feeling guilty."

"I… don't," she assured him, giving him a soft kiss on the wound. Surprisingly, she didn't. "There, so you can heal faster," she added, and Gilbert hugged her tightly. "I can't believe you were in a fight! What were you even thinking of, Gilbert Blythe?!" she exclaimed and he let go of her, surprised by the sudden change in her tone.

"I didn't get in any fight, Anne. The guy punched me, a security guard caught him, that was it. There was no fighting," he explained at her frowning face. She bit her lips, her eyes suddenly getting watery. "Anne, are you ok?"

"I just… But what if he would have hurt you?" she asked, clearly emotional. She felt so frustrated. What was going on with her? He caressed her cheek.

"Anne-girl, nothing happened. He wouldn't have. I do know how to defend myself and Fred was next to me if it came to that. Are you feeling ok? Is this maybe about your period?" he asked gently and then wished he hadn't as Anne's features reverted back to anger.

"What, so I am a woman and if I get emotional it has to be because of my period?!" she asked him, daring him to say yes.

"No, Anne. You are emotional, you texted me about your cramps and your period is overdue, I think everything might be related. Do you see me saying this every day?"

"No?" she answered, annoyed, still angry, fighting tears and not even knowing why.

"No, that's correct. Because I don't think like that. But right now, I think you are," he said calmly. "Come, let's put on some water for a tea and I'll show you what I brought you."

"You brought me something?" she asked, looking at him with big eyes as they walked to the kitchen.

"Chocolate cake. I thought it might cheer you up," he said, lifting the box he had on his hand and that Anne seemed to have ignored up until that point. Her eyes shone brighter. He left it on the counter and put some water on the kettle. "How are the cramps going?"

" They are doing splendidly. I just want to die," she answered.

"Don't be dramatic, Carrots," he said, caressing her arm gently. She growled, not at all impressed. "Go lie down on the sofa, I'll meet you there in a minute."

He looked for some cream and a hot water bottle in the bathroom and filled it with boiling water, wrapping it in a soft towel. He then prepared some chamomile tea and served the cake in a dish, organizing the whole thing on a tray before going to the living room, where Anne was hugging a pillow. He left the tray on the coffee table.

"This for your tummy," he said, giving her the hot water bottle, which she traded with the pillow. "Is your lower back hurting as well?"

"How do you even know?" she asked, holding the warm packet close.

"I have a good memory. So, is it?" he asked again. She blushed and nodded, remembering all too well how Gilbert used to take care of her when they were teens. "Lie down face down, I'll give you a massage."

"Why does it hurt so much?" she asked in a pained voice as she followed his directions and he put some cream to start working on her lower back, pushing her shorts down slightly.

"Prostaglandins cause your uterus to contract so it can shed the lining and it radiates to your lower back muscles," he explained.

"It was rhetorical, Gil," she said, clearly annoyed.

"I'm a doctor," he chuckled.

"Humpf," she mumbled, in a bad mood. A few minutes later she was finally relaxing and sat down, resting on his chest as she ate her cake and drank her tea. "Thank you."

"You're most welcome, Anne-girl," he said, kissing her head. He felt her tense suddenly. "Are you ok?"

"Yes, sorry, just… it hurt more suddenly, but it's down again. I don't know why it is so bad today," she said, annoyed. "This cake is so good."

"Maybe a hot bath can help you?" she shook her head against him.

"I just want to cuddle, if that's ok?" she said, and he hugged her closely. They spent some time in silence and he actually thought she had fallen asleep when she spoke. "I can't get those tests out of my mind."

"Which ones?" Gilbert asked, even when he was almost certain she was referring to the pregnancy tests she had taken last day. That were also on his mind. Constantly.

"The ones from yesterday. It's like… I kind of wanted them to be positive, Gil, even if I feel it's wrong."

"It isn't wrong. Not necessarily, Anne-girl. Would you think it wrong if I told you I also wanted them positive?"

"You did?"

"Yes. I only realized that when I saw the result of the first one," he said in a quiet voice. "I want kids with you, Carrots, more than I thought. Not more… just sooner." She stayed in silence for a moment and he was almost certain he had blown it, when she spoke again.

"It's… I always think of how I have to have everything figured out, you know? A job, savings, if I'm going to study, if I'm going to write…" she said, remembering her chat with Ella. She and Fred apparently had everything so… talked through, priorities so clear… Whereas her? She was a mess, even if it was a mess that had been slowly untangling. And she was quite liking the result, to be honest, but this… children topic still had her at a loss. She wanted them. But now? What was stopping her? Them?

"I already told you, Anne. You don't have to work for the sake of working. You have to go after what moves you," he insisted. Because he couldn't stand the idea of Anne doing a menial job just because she felt the need to earn a salary and then be miserable about what she was doing.

"I know now. You said so yesterday… And I really thank you for the opportunity, Gil. But it's just… when I take all that out of the question, when I can truly say I want to write and do nothing else because it doesn't matter if I make a living wage out of it or not…" because after talking with Jerry, she was way more confident in going through with that path. She could always re evaluate, if needed, as Kak'wet had said. "...and it's actually a possibility… It's like I'm running out of excuses, you now?" she explained, expressing what had been on her mind the whole day.

"Excuses for what, Anne?" he asked, not sure if he was following. Not daring to think he was following.

"For not having kids with you, silly," she said, and he felt the air trapped in his chest. "I always wanted a family, but never allowed myself to imagine one, but with you… I can just picture everything. How endearingly nerdy they will be with you as a dad. How good and persistent they will be. How they will annoy little girls in class and I will tell them that's not the way to get their attention…"

"Carrots… Are you serious?" he asked, his voice fragile.

"I am, Gil. Can't you picture them?" he held her even closer, kissing her neck, nodding against her. "I want to have kids with you, Gilbert Blythe."

"I… Can…," he stammered, at a loss of words. "I would have never… I didn't think you would want them so soon."

"I didn't before, either. I wanted to have life figured out," she admitted, kissing the arm that was holding her. They stayed in silence for a while, the weight of what they had just said over them. She swallowed. "So… what would be the next step, doc?"

"I… did you even talk with dr. Oak about this?"

"She said I was healthy and prescribed me the contraceptives I wanted," Anne explained, not detailing the conversation she had had with Emily about how she didn't want an IUD because she was leaning more towards having kids sooner rather than later, and then the whole conversation that was brought by that. "I haven't taken them yet today…"

"You would have to take folic acid supplements for some months before we try anything," Gilbert said, thinking it was probably better if she took the pills anyway. Anne turned to look at him.

"But I already take vitamins, and they are supposed to have that… Well, they're supposed to be formulated for women. Wait, I'll go look for the jar so you can check," she said, getting up. Gilbert saw how she walked towards the kitchen, rubbing her back. "Here, look," she said, passing him the jar and sitting next to him, adjusting the hot water bottle and leaning her head on his shoulder as he read the nutrition information.

"These ones are actually pretty good, Carrots," he said eventually. "Why do you have that B12 you gave me?"

"I had it before buying this and never thought of throwing it. It's not expired, don't worry," she explained. He nodded. "What else?"

"It might be a good idea for you to change to actual prenatals once this jar is up… But other than that… Some changes in your diet… no alcohol, which I haven't seen you drink anyway… limit your coffee… cutting off most painkillers and other meds... we can set up an appointment with dr. Oak again if you want or have concerns. But I think that's about it."

"So we could try now?" she asked, feeling crampy butterflies in her stomach.

"We could," Gilbert said, a bit breathless at the implications. "I mean, not now now, because you're feeling poorly and today it wouldn't make any difference in terms of conception, but… If you don't start taking those pills we bought, we could. Would you… would you like that Anne?" he asked, bringing her close to him, talking softly to her ear. "Would you like to make babies with me?"

"I would love that, Gil," she said, snuggling against him as he smiled into her neck.