Chapter 38: Distance has made the hearts grow fonder

AN: The return to Hogwarts and a reunion.

What is this love by Blue Rodeo

The morning of Monday, January second, I got up in the early hours after a night of tossing and turning. I showered and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror; I must've lost at least one stone since the beginning of December, and I looked horrendous. The Hogwarts Express could've run me over and I would've looked better. Even besides the weight loss, there was my face, which bore several damning signs: massive, purple bags under my eyes; an unhealthy pallor to my skin; and a deadened look to my eyes. Well, at least I could acknowledge that I looked like shit.

After packing what little I had in the hotel room, I left and bundled myself into my Volvo. During the drive to King's Cross Station, I couldn't help but worry about my feelings for Sirius. Was I only feeling this way about him because I was trying to distract myself from my loss and grief? Was I only using him as a crutch? I didn't know, though I supposed the only way to know for sure was to see him again, which I wasn't looking forward to. What if he didn't want to waste his time with me anymore? What if he shut me out like everyone else?

I arrived in a haze of numbness at the train station at seven o'clock. I was four hours early, but it wasn't like I had anything better to do than hide in a hidden corner of Platform 9 ¾, trying to delay my inevitable reunion with Sirius. I parked my car, cast the charms on it, and then headed into the Muggle section of the station. I trudged over to the barrier and passed through it like a ghost, standing with muddled thoughts in the middle of the empty platform. As I holed up in a corner where no one would find me to pass the time, I doubted my abilities to pick myself up and walk away in one piece from what I'd gone through over the holidays. Would I ever forgive myself for what I'd done to them?

Slowly, the platform filled with students, and when the train was ready to be boarded, I slunk through the crowds and onto the train unnoticed. Finding an empty compartment and drawing the blinds, I locked the door and curled up against the window. With every mile that the train advanced closer to Hogwarts, the dread inside of me grew until my stomach was in knots and threatening to eject its contents, despite the fact that I hadn't eaten since yesterday. Now that I looked like shit and misery echoed from every fibre of my being, there really would be nothing to entice Sirius back to me, and that thought was a terrible burden weighing on my mind. At several points throughout the train ride, I thought I heard voices outside the compartment, perhaps one of the Prefects wondering why this compartment was locked from the inside and what inappropriate conduct was happening on the other side of the door. But no one managed to disturb me. The only inappropriate thing was that I had used magic on my family against their will. My sole consolation was to look outside at the passing landscape, at the raw beauty of the Scottish Highlands, and imagine myself running through the valleys and over hills in my animagus form, free from my sadness and worries.

I was one of the last ones off the train at Hogsmeade Station. All the other seventh-years were well on their way to the self-pulling carriages, except three girls huddled off to the side, twittering anxiously amongst themselves like robins around an owl. Their eyes snapped to me when they saw me getting off the train in my Ravenclaw robes. I trudged over.

"Fuck, Kersti," Lia said. "What in Merlin's name happened to you over the break?"

I fiddled with the strap of my satchel. "Nothing much."

"Nothing much my arse," Tess said so viciously that I flinched. "You look absolutely…" Tess was never at a loss for words; I must really look like shit.

Emily stepped forward and gripped me in a tight hug. I let her hold me and hid my face in her shoulder. "We were so worried. We didn't see hide nor hair of you on the train or at the platform, and then Evans came by and asked about you. She'd not seen you either. We all thought something had happened to you."

"I don't want to talk about it," I whispered into her robes.

"You don't want to talk about it? For Merlin's sake, why can't-"

Lia laid a hand on my shoulder. "It's okay, Kersti. We don't have to talk about it. Leave it alone, Tess."

I broke away but couldn't meet their eyes. I let them guide me to one of the last carriages, which was waiting for the stragglers. They talked amongst themselves and let me stare morosely at the passing scenery around us, for which I was very grateful. As they went into the Great Hall for the welcome-back feast, I took the passage out to the Clocktower Courtyard and made my way down the grassy hill and into the darkened forest. At least for now, I had managed to avoid Sirius, though I didn't know how long that would last for.

I emerged from the Forbidden Forest the next morning, feeling worse for wear. I couldn't possibly avoid Sirius today, not when we had classes together. As I walked through the courtyard and up to the Ravenclaw dormitory in the early hours when the halls were empty, I tried to convince myself with every step that I would be fine, that I could come out of this in one piece. I was strong, and I would get past this and survive, wouldn't I? But I wasn't sure of myself anymore.

I descended the flights of stairs to breakfast, if only to keep Em, Lia and Tess's concerned looks and comments at bay. Maybe if I made an effort to attend meals, they would stop remarking on my weight loss and generally unhealthy pallor. To distract myself from my nerves and writhing stomach, I tried to guess what we would be covering in Advanced Charms and D.A.D.A. that day. I was walking down the final steps of the last staircase in front of the Great Hall when the worst thing happened to me.

"Kersti."

I paused on the third step from the bottom and looked up. I locked eyes with Lily, who was standing outside the doors with the Marauders. On instinct, I looked to Sirius, though I wished that I hadn't. He was staring at me and I suddenly felt so nauseated that I feared I would be sick right then and there. I swallowed down the bile and managed the last few steps with shaky legs. Sirius didn't take his eyes off me once, an usually confused expression on his face. I must look very different from when I had left for the holidays, because even James and Remus seemed to have noticed. The last thing I wanted to do was have this confrontation, but I couldn't run away without severely incriminating myself. After all, I wanted to pretend that I was just fine and dandy, didn't I?

Lily smiled when I finally reached them. "Hi."

"H-hi," I said lamely, trying and failing to ignore Sirius still staring at me.

"How were your holidays?" she asked.

I tried to smile but it was close-lipped and didn't reach my eyes. "Oh, the holidays? Yeah, they were fine. Great. Nice to have a break from school, see the family and all. Yeah, they were fine." I realized that I was babbling but couldn't help it, as if saying more would make the lie more convincing.

Lily stared at me like I'd grown a second head. "Oh, really? That's good to hear."

I nodded too enthusiastically, which made James's eyebrows disappear into his hairline.

Sirius frowned and glared at me. "Yeah, I'll bet," he muttered. I ignored him, not having the courage of a Gryffindor to meet his eyes.

Lily looked from him to me. "Er… did you not get my letter inviting you James's place?"

"Hmm? Letter?"

"So you didn't get it?"

I suddenly had the terrible realization that I knew what letter she was talking about. I'd seen the two addressed to me, in the dream, though in reality I'd left my parents' house for London long before they'd reached me. "Er, uh, no. I didn't get any letters," I stammered helplessly.

"I thought you were going to be around for the holidays? I- we- thought you'd want to come to James's place for the last week."

I shook my head, trying to keep the tears away. "No, sorry, I was on… vacation with my family. I'm sorry that I didn't reply, I really am. I would've come if I'd been around to receive them, but it was a last minute vacation and all, and, well, you know how it is…"

Sirius raised a disbelieving eyebrow at me. It wasn't a friendly look at all. "Oh, yeah, sure," he said under his breath, his biting tone making me flinch. It wasn't like I wanted to lie to him, but I couldn't tell him either. How could I put him at risk by telling him that I was a Seer, when I'd done such a terrible thing to my family to negate that risk for them?

"That's alright," Lily said quickly. "Are you… are you well? You look really… ill, Kersti."

I tried to manage a nonchalant laugh, which came out as a strangled sound. "Oh, don't worry about me. I had a nasty bout of the stomach flu over the holidays, but I'm better now. Had no appetite for a week or so. Nasty thing, flus are." I looked down at my shoes.

James cleared his throat awkwardly. "Well, er, it's nice to see you again, Stripes. Let's, er… let's go in, Lily."

She laid a comforting hand on my shoulder and I nearly started in panic. "I'll see you in class later."

I didn't look up as I heard her and James leave, followed by Remus and Peter, leaving me standing to the side of the doors, unseen and alone with Sirius. This was exactly what I'd been fearing. My hands and knees shook terribly and I stayed staring down at the ground, fearing that if I looked up to meet Sirius's eyes, I'd start crying. I'd never felt this awkward around him before.

He sighed and finally broke the heavy silence. "You look terrible, kitten. What happened?"

I scoffed. "Wow, thanks. I know I look terrible, thank you very much for reminding me."

He made a frustrated sound. "Why didn't you come to Prongs's place? I sent an letter to your address."

"I couldn't. And why does it matter?" I looked up and met his eyes defiantly. "Did it actually bother you?" I snapped with more venom than I'd intended.

His face twisted in anger and I flinched, suddenly scared. "Yes, it bloody well bothered me! What was I supposed to think when you never even bothered to write back? I was rather pissed off, to tell you the truth. You couldn't even bother a sodding reply to say you didn't want to waste your time with me?" he snarled.

I shook my head, the tears gathering in my eyes. "That's not it. That's not it at all. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I wanted to come, I really did, but I couldn't. But I wanted to."

He laughed mockingly, a sound I didn't like at all. "You didn't even give me the decency of letting me know that, Kersti."

I flinched again at him using my first name, the tears spilling over. My voice cracked. "I'm sorry, okay? I couldn't. I swear on my life, I wanted to. I would've wanted to do nothing more than come, but I had some things I had to do. I'm sorry." A few tears tracked down my face.

He watched me silently for a moment before taking a hesitating step forward. "Kitten… I'm sorry."

I avoided his gaze and didn't say anything.

"I shouldn't've yelled at you. I'm being a right stupid git. I just, er… I didn't know why you ignored the letters and I was pissed off during the holidays about it."

I looked up and met his eyes, managing a wry twist of the lips. "Nothing like a fortnight to stew in your anger?"

He offered me a lopsided grin. "Sounds about right." He studied me, those piercing grey eyes missing nothing. "You don't look like you had good holidays, kitten. Did your 'life go to shit?'"

I nodded. "Sounds about right. Probably had the worst holidays of everyone at Hogwarts."

He stared. "Are you going to tell me, or just leave me to guess?"

"I'm not ready to tell you yet, Sirius."

"Why not?"

"I can't, alright?"

"Oh, for fuck's sakes," he snapped. More tears tracked down my face. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "It just seems like it's never going to happen, that's all. I'm getting rather impatient."

My lower lip wobbled as I began to cry silently.

Sirius let out a frustrated sound and clutched his head. "Shit. Fuck! I'm sorry, kitten. I never say the right thing and always stick my foot in my mouth." He laid a hand on each of my shoulders, looking at my face earnestly. "I know and freely admit that I am a foolish git who always says the wrong thing. And I'm also a scoundrel and addicted to making mischief. And I'm a heartless arsehole. And a mangy dog. And I have so many fleas. And I'm constantly itching myself because of said fleas. And I chase my tail. And I lick my-"

I looked up and burst out laughing. "Oh, alright, you silly dog. I get it."

"Did you like that apology?"

"Wasn't expecting it, if I'm being honest. You're usually not that verbose."

He grinned. "I was sort of imitating Prongs when he apologizes to Evans, only I didn't blather on about your eternal beauty or some other rot."

I cocked an eyebrow. "So I'm ugly?"

His eyes went wide and he looked comically surprised. "Merlin's arsehole, no! I didn't mean that! That is not what I meant at all, I swear."

I smiled. "I know, I was just taking the piss."

He sighed dramatically. "Thank Merlin." He stilled, his expression inscrutable as he looked back at me. The smile slipped from my face. Had I really hurt him when I hadn't replied to the invitation? He raised a tentative hand and wiped the tears from my cheeks with the pad of his thumb. "I'm sorry, kitten."

"S'okay, not your fault," I mumbled, nervous at the sudden intimate turn that this interaction had taken.

"You know you can tell me what happened, right?" he said, barely above a whisper.

I nodded, hyper aware that his hands were still on my shoulders and that our faces were so close. For some reason, I felt like he was going to kiss me right here outside the Great Hall.

He offered me a half-smile and stepped away from me, breaking our physical contact and leaving me bereft. "You coming in for breakfast?"

I shook my head and looked away, afraid of the tenderness in his gaze. "No. I'm not hungry."

He opened his mouth to speak, hesitated, and then cleared his throat. "You sure?"

"Yeah," I said, voice thick with emotion.

"Okay. Alright, kitten. I'll see you later?" he said hesitantly.

I nodded. "Yeah. I'll see you later," I said. I turned away from him without looking up, worried about my tears returning if I met his eyes again. But as I walked away from him and up the stairs, I wanted nothing more than to return to him as he stood outside the doors, watching my retreating form.