.

take off my clothes
that smell unfamiliar

i try to wash away
yesterday's memories

but it keeps repeating,
as i forget about myself

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dayfly - DEAN ft. Sulli, Rad Museum

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[LIFELINES]

chapter thirty-seven: mishandled

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Whatever information the media had on me...let's just say that it was much more than I had anticipated.

There were copies of the photos Natsuki had been sending me, but then there were other photos that I hadn't seen. Current photos of Sora playing tennis. To me being rolled into an ambulance from Koushiro's birthday party. Hell, there were even some photos of Kaori's mother in her young gravure idol years. The icing to the cake was the CD. The media company had somehow managed to attain the video footage of Takashi and I fighting at rehab. I know that it would have been unattainable on Natsuki's end...which had meant that the media had thoroughly done their digging. Natsuki had prompted and directed them to delve further, intruding more into my personal life.

For years I thought I had done a good job at avoiding scandals, public drama – and yeah, it was partly because Satou and Seiji-san had been covering my ass. I thought none of this shit would be brought up because it wasn't like KOD was famous anymore. The band wasn't even together anymore...but I guess, that's how it rolls, right? Media can be ruthless, they'd do anything for a good story and as much as I preferred staying in the shadows, once you're in the limelight you tend to stay in the limelight. You're always a target.

The article was pretty rough too. After I had gone through the photos and footage, reading the words in the article made my stomach twist in nausea. It brought up Kaori. It brought up Takashi. It brought up how these two people were correlated and how they influenced my life. It brought up that Takashi and Kaori had a thing for each other (this one, a lie). It brought up issues that were meant to stay in the dark. It alluded that Takashi and I always fought, and that was the reason why KOD broke up.

It's disgusting because some of the statements were factual, others weren't. But I knew that the false statements would also be considered as well. I've seen how many times the media and paparazzi can break people – and I didn't want to be a victim to this. And by me being exposed, it would mean all my immediate friends and family being exposed too. Then what do I do? Do I book in an interview and speak garbage? Do I tell the truth? Do I have to speak about Kaori to everybody? I thought through every pathway, the ins and outs...but nothing led to a good ending. Each idea left me trapped and even more confused.

Above all, the article mentioned Takashi having substance abuse...which meant they probably knew about my colourful history with drugs too. That was what they were probably trying to compromise with me – that they knew enough about me, to sabotage everything I worked hard for. They'd have this always over my head, using this to their leverage. But what choice do I have?

None.

So I forced myself out of the apartment. I needed fresh air – which turned out with me taking a detour to the closest conbini. The aircon breeze hits me when I stroll in. I edge for the refrigerated section, but pause when I'm about to reach for a can of Asahi. No. Not alcohol. I go down an aisle, pacing back and forth. Ice-cream. No. Popcorn. No. Candy. No. My feet lead me to the counter. By now, the cashier is eying me weirdly. I don't blame him. I don't even know why I'm here and what I want to do. I had needed a distraction, that's what...and as I avoid looking at the worker's face, I note the variety of cigarette packs on display behind him.

One pack won't kill.

Out of the conbini I go. Going back to my apartment feels suffocating. Going to the studio is too far. I resort to a park around the block. It's already night time, so nobody is there. My heart hurts a bit when I see the empty swings. Kaori. I used to go here with Kaori. Would Kaori be happy with the person I am now?

I don't know.

Turning from the swings, I pass the monkey bars and give a wry smile at the wooden, old structure of the playground. I walk up the steel slide. I have to bend my head from hitting it above the splintery ceiling. Because my neck is aching, I manoeuvre myself so that half my body is out of the window. I climb up the side of the structure and balance on the balls of my feet, finding that the ceiling is a flat surface. This works well.

I sit down, legs crossed, until I unfold them and spread them vertically. Still uncomfortable, I lie down and my back presses against the rooftop. The sky is inked black. I take out my lighter. A flame flickers, glowing orange-blue, contrasting against the darkness as I light up my cigarette. Lounging, feeling the still air, then taking a drag. I sigh. It feels darn good. Exactly what I need right now. How long has it been?

She's lying down next to me. A string of grey smoke swirls up in the air. Exhale. Inhale. It was our favourite pastime, lying down, searching for stars, watching the streams of tobacco engulf the air around us. It was our favourite past time when she was going through a bad time.

"Shit day, huh?" I ask her.

"Hm, yeah." She repositions her hands, bringing them upwards to rest them under her head, elbows sticking outwards. Kaori looks straight up at the black sky. "Same shit. Some boys were giving me a hard time about my mother after class…"

I offer, "I can beat them up?"

"I'm used to their trash talk about her anyway. Besides, you're a musician and not a fighter. " She laughs gently at my effort to comfort her. Lacing her fingers with mine, she murmurs, "You're not designed to fight. It's not you."

"Then what am I designed for?"

"Breathing, Yamato." She sighs. "You can't keep thinking about a dead girl."

She lets go of my hand.

"Kaori!"

In panic, I frantically try to reach back for her. Everything shatters around me. My pulse quickens. She's here, but she isn't. My voice cracks as I call out of her, "Please. Please don't go. Don't leave me. I...I don't know what to do."

My hand goes through her body, fingers grabbing nothing but air. She's looking at me. Her eyes are sad. They were always sad. She kisses me on the cheek. And then she gradually dissolves away.

Her image, her scent, her voice, her smile...it disappears.

"Live. Be happy." Her voice whispers, the wind caressing where she had kissed my cheek. "I'm sorry, Yamato."

Yamato…

Yamato?

YAMATO!

I flinch, clutching onto my right cheek. What felt like wind, suddenly feels more physical, more real. My cheek is stinging now as I gaze up, finding Koushiro hovering over me. His face is contorted with fear, hand raised - and I know that he's the source behind my stinging cheek. What had happened? I hold onto it my cheek, blinking. Tears are sliding down my face. I'm uncertain if it's from the impact of his hand against my face, or from Kaori leaving me again.

I find my wards, trying to make sense of it all. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question."

Blinking, I adjust to the lighting. I let out a groan, forcing myself to sit up. Every bone in my body is aching. I tilt my head and observe Koushiro's expression. Fear has turned into worry. He's crouching next to me. His light denim jeans have grass stains, which is strange because usually his clothing is clean and stain-free.

"What's going on?" he asks me.

Background noise registers in my ears. I hear laughter from kids, cars rumbling past. From the green grass, to the swings, to the wooden rooftop...

"Ah! I must have fallen asleep," I admit, scratching the back of my head, as I look around the park. Yeah, I hadn't gone home. I must have slept here overnight. I glimpse the flicker of concern in his eyes, and I immediately deny what he's thinking. "I didn't take anything...I...I didn't drink anything. Just cigarettes. That's all, Kou. I promise I'm clean."

For proof, I show him the packet. There's only one stick missing from it. He relaxes a little - which is a good thing. I'm tired of making everybody worry. I hope nobody tried to call me last night. The last I want is another person to notice my absence. Koushiro finding me like this is humiliating enough.

And about him finding me…

I tilt my head, and mumble, "I'm impressed that you found me. How did you know where I was?"

"Coffee. We planned this two weeks ago. We were going to get breakfast at the nearby cafe."

"Ah…"

Yeah, I feel like a complete idiot now.

"You were late. You weren't picking up your phone. I resorted to going to your place. As I took the shortcut through the park, I luckily saw you snoozing on top of this playhouse. It didn't take me long to recognise it was you considering I don't know many blonde heads…"

"Same goes for me and redheads," I weakly tease him back. "Wait...Sora counts as another person that I know-"

He snorts. "That's besides the point. Losing track of time and unintentionally camping at a playground is dangerous. You could have been mugged. You could have fallen off the roof. What if it was winter? Would you have slept through the night and woken up with all your limbs falling off. Frostbite isn't the latest fashion trend, Yamato..."

"Yeah, yeah. I get it. But I must have been really comfortable to fall asleep," I defend myself, even though I know what I'm saying already sounds stupid. Nobody can outsmart somebody like Kou.

He looks back at me, eyebrows raised. "We're not getting off this roof until you tell me what really went down. I'm tired of hearing the bits and pieces. Tell me or I'll kick you off the roof if I have to."

"Tell you what?"

It's funny because we both know that I'd probably have more strength to push him off the playground. I don't like telling many people about Kaori, and Koushiro had never known much about her because she had died prior to Taichi introducing me to him. Of course, he's not an idiot to know that something had happened. He's been around Taichi and I enough to put some pieces together.

"How much do you know about Kaori?"

I observe how hard Koushiro is trying to look reserved and nonchalant about the matter. How he's trying to make himself open and not displaying any dismissiveness. He's putting a lot of effort into asking me directly. He usually forms his own hypotheses from doing all his research first, sticking to the facts, the evidence. For him to ask me this on the spot means he's been thinking about this for a while. I don't know how much he knew about Kaori, but from the tone of his voice I can tell he knew that she was no longer in the picture.

"She was my ex. She died, Kou." I did not want to go into too much detail, simplifying everything and not getting too technical. Koushiro's a good cookie, but I know that whenever it comes to emotions, he's just as awkward as I am.

"I know." Koushiro tells me, confirming my thoughts. "Taichi might have accidentally mentioned her once when he was drunk…"

"Of course he did." I'm not all that shocked or offended that Taichi told Kou. Kou would have eventually found out anyway, and he's not the type to gossip or spread rumours. I trusted the guy a whole lot.

"Well, I had a bad dream about her. I get them once in a while," I admit. "And some work stuff has been bothering me..."

"Yeah?" Koushiro says. "Is there anything I can help you with? Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really." I smile because I don't want to completely shut him off, and I don't like being rude to Koushiro. He's just one of those people you don't get rude to...if you know what I mean?

What can he actually help me with? Make the media disappear? He can't do that. Actually, he probably can...he's talented enough. I'm sure he has a few hacking techniques up his sleeve, but I can't do that to him. I can't risk his career, and I don't want to turn him into a criminal for my own cause-

"What are you thinking?"

"Things I probably shouldn't be thinking about," I laugh.

He offers his hand and helps pull me up. " Things you shouldn't think, or things you should...let's talk about it over breakfast then."

Yup. Koushiro is a good guy. He really is.

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Food hasn't been sitting well in my stomach for a while. When I do take a mouthful of something, I find myself leaning over a toilet. I've been living off caffeine and energy drinks. I don't remember the last time I've slept. And it's not even related to drugs this time. I'm overwhelmed. My anxiety has me on edge. I did not want to shut my eyes because I did not want to dream about Kaori again. I didn't want to think.

So I focused on work. The studio has been my refuge. I avoided the media's phone calls. I became paranoid about everything. I stopped the training sessions with Taichi (much to his chagrin), making shit excuses that I was busy. I avoided many people. I do, however, recall texting and still communicating with Sora. For some reason, I could not bring myself to ignore her. I couldn't afford to fuck that up again.

Sora did keep my mind off the anxiety at times though.

She was cute. She'd drop in around during her lunch breaks every now and again (her work was luckily near the studio). There were times she'd actually make me lunch. Then I'd feel even more shit because I'd to her that I'd eat it later. From the few tablespoons I've managed to keep down, her food is quite tasty and healthy. I'm lucky that she's been too busy with work to notice anything. I'm also lucky that she's not too clingy (perhaps I'm the one who is clingy?), and she understands how I function when I put everything into my work - because she does too. But yes...I'm not being completely honest to her here. I'm using work as an excuse to hide away the shit that's been happening. Lying about this to her makes me feel shit. I don't like it.

Or is it because I'm good at pretending? My therapist says I've mastered the art, that I should depend on people. It's a foreign concept. Even having Taichi be there for the workout sessions is weird to me. Everybody wants the best for me, but it's a difficult concept to grasp because I'm used to relying on none other but myself.

My mind has been on overdrive. No matter what I think up, there's no solution to ending the media and their threats. Everything has been leading to dead ends. I know how fierce they are. I've known models who have had their careers ended by scandals. Athletes become bankrupt because their managers were corrupt and screwed them over. Actors who have been blacklisted for doing things they hadn't. The limelight always came with these consequences - consequences you can't escape.

Then again, my case is a different scenario. It's not like I have done the right thing all this time. However, them using Kaori pisses me off.

"It would be easier if you were here, you know?" I say out loud to myself. "At least then you can be the voice of reason what you want. I know you wouldn't care what they say about you...but I do. You've had people about you every day. Even if you aren't here, I don't want them talking about you. Damn it, Kaori. What should I do?"

I rest my head against the board of panels and buttons. Loud static pierces the speakers. I turn the main switch off. The control room is dark. Quiet. The type of quietness that always soothed Kaori. Away from the noisy crowds. Safe in my arms. She loved that I loved music, but I remember her freaking out by the doors during our live gigs. Crowds weren't her thing. She liked to hide everything about herself, even though there was so much about her that I loved.

I'm sorry.

Her hair is splayed, as I hold her head. Sticky scarlet in my hands. They way her mouth gaped in surprise as she fell. The lifeless, expressionless look on her face. Bass blares. Bass always does that. It pounds against the speakers, against my chest, against my head. Throbbing pieces of memories. Pieces that should subside. Her screams drone out. Her crying. A frenzy. Her eyes wild, accusing as I leave with the band to another prefecture. "Why are you leaving me?"

I shudder. I sob, collapsing on the floor. My breaths are sharp and rapid. I need to get out of the recording room. My throat feels like it's going to close. I'm drowning in air. My lungs are burning. Like the photos I had of her. Like how she had turned to ashes. How she wanted to be ashes. "She wrote a will at her age. She wanted to be cremated. Was she planning this?" That was her mother. Her mother who glared at me from across the funeral as her fingers gripped tightly around the polished urn. "It's his fault. He left."

"Don't listen to her mother." Jun. Jun had spoken to me that day. "She left Kaori first. You've been there for her ever since you met her."

Had I really?

My phone startles me. It keeps ringing. My boss, my manager. Random names. The media company...

I open the text. It links me to an article. They're going to post it in two days if I don't act. Two days. I see photos of Takashi, Kaori and Sora. Sora. I don't want her involved in this.

My back cowers against the wall as I slide down, legs finally meeting the ground. Where are the pills? Everything is constricting. It's hard to keep my head above the water. It's getting dark. Back and forth. The breathing exercise Makoto-sensei taught me. Don't panic. It's fine. It's going to be fine…

It's not.

Sora's here? I'm going delirious.

Her face is pale, expression alarmed as she crawls over to me. She's seeing me like this again. All weak. A pathetic loser. A fool. God, I'm a fool. I shouldn't be holding onto her. She needs to leave. She needs to go. She-...she's holding onto me. Gripping me. Why is she doing this? Why is she pulling me closer? I'm shivering into her embrace.

"Sora…"

I weep. I try to escape, but she doesn't let go.

She won't let go.

And I don't want her to.

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I'm catatonic. Lost. Confused.

Sora's found my medications. She scrummaged everywhere, forcing the pills down my throat. I remember strings of images. Her panicked face. Her crying with me. My body being lifted, manoeuvred into a car. Back to my home. The hospital? No. I still can walk a bit. I stumble and as my head is about to hit the ground, I fall into his arms.

My voice is raspy when I say, "Satou-san? What are you doing here?"

Why am I surprised?

He's always here. He always has been. He's my constant, my rock. He's been around me more than anybody else - even my parents. He knows when I'm acting up, he knows everything. His face is sombre as he assists me onto the sofa. My sofa. Yes, I'm home. A sigh breathes out of me, knowing that I'm not admitted to the clinic, or hospital - or anywhere that isn't home. I can't give up yet. Not after how hard I tried…I don't want to retrace my steps and be bound to medications, dark rooms and therapy sessions. I'm tired. I don't want it anymore. I want sunlight. I want brightness. I want to smile again.

How do I smile again?

But where's Sora?

"She's on the phone with Jyou."

Satou-san. Yes, Satou-san is still here. I blink.

"She was so worried about you, she ran in the rain...without any shoes. Can you believe it?" Satou says. "She really cares about you."

"Kaori-"

"I'm talking about Sora," Satou cuts me off.

"Sora? Yes. She's amazing." Amazing for sticking by my side. Amazing for not leaving despite me completely losing it. I'm a complete nutcase. How she's still patient with me is still a wonder in itself.

Satou nudges me to take some water. I do. The cold liquid quenches down my parched throat. And, somehow, I register how thirsty and dehydrated I am. I drink more until Satou leans across to fill the glass up again. As I'm drinking, he mutters, "Why didn't you tell me the media was getting on your case?"

I almost spit out the water, remembering everything. The situation I am in. The dead ends and how I can't find any strategies to heave myself out of this debacle.

Satou shakes his head. "Not definitely dead ends. We could have brainstormed together. Did you forget we're a team?"

There's no I in Team.

It's a good thing I didn't say it out loud, because Satou is still glaring at me. He'd know I'm talking about that Taking Back Sunday song. He'd probably clobber me on the head for it.

"There are two options. Either you give the media info about Kaori, or you show that you're dating Sora."

"I'm not dating Sora."

"And pigs can fly, Yamato," Satou rolls his eyes. "I know you've been seeing her for a while. Your other friends might not know, but I do. What do you take me for?"

True. Satou has always been my main father figure. Bless my father who has passed away...but my real father hadn't seen me go through it all. I let him see pieces of it - but not all of it. I hated showing my real father what I went through, because he had been going through his fair share. He had gone through enough. And, even if I protected him from myself, I could do nothing but hold his hand when he passed away. I'm hopeless like that.

"You're not hopeless," Satou denies my comment. "But I'm not oblivious. It's not often a girl knows you more than I do. If it wasn't for Sora, we wouldn't have been able to locate you. How long have you been wearing yourself out, Yamato?"

"I...I don't know." I do. Long before rehab. Long before KOD. It had always begun after the divorce. The divorce had messed me up more than I thought.

The meds kick in, and I find myself falling asleep.

I'm woken up by soft lips touching my forehead. Satou's no longer here. He's replaced by another person. My blurry vision sharpens when Sora steps away from my space. She doesn't leave too far away from me though. Her hand is on my left knee. "Why don't you take a shower, Yamato? You'll feel better."

I can't bring myself to speak. I don't know what to say. I've made myself act like a fool in front of her, and she's still here, trying to cheer me up, trying to keep me sane. I go ahead with her instructions, stepping into the shower. Steam floats around me. The water soaking me feels therapeutic, calming and...yes, this is right. My body is quivering again. I don't know why. I'm warm though. The water is warm.

"Hey, it's time for you to shower, Yamato."

Her eyes are staring at me. She's peeling my clothes off. Why am I wearing clothes? Why is she in the shower? She tugs my arms up. I stand. I feel raw. Exposed. I don't know why I'm feeling so...humiliated by this. It's not like she hasn't seen me nude before. The way she is looking at me is frightening. There's care there. A whole lot of care. And worry. I hate making her worry.

"I don't deserve you. Why do you even bother?"

She hugs me. I don't push her away. I like her hugs, even if I'm currently a moping mess. I can't help but smile at her. Despite all shit hitting the fan, it feels good to have her here...even if we're soaked head to toe. This woman, this person...she went running, searching for me in the rain...and it turns out she's getting drenched again, trying to comfort me under the shower head. It's touching in a kinda twisted way. God, I'm fucked.

"Ishida, you'll deserve me once you get yourself cleaned up for dinner."

She gives me another kiss on the cheek before stepping out of the bathtub, drawing the shower curtain back and taking away my wet clothes. I still ponder how somebody like her would want to stick by somebody like me. Knowing that she's still in my apartment, I get a move on, scrubbing myself clean and turning off the shower. I dry myself with a fluffy towel and as I push the shower curtain away, I see that Sora's put out a fresh shirt and black boxers. I change into them and head out of the bathroom, making my way back to the lounge.

I smile when I see her in the kitchen. She's dressed herself in one of my baggy NASA shirts. It covers just under her ass, with her long legs pleasingly visible. Yeah, I'm still a sucker for her long legs...all right? Either way, she looks good. Then again, she always has.

She doesn't have many ingredients in front of her. It's easy to guess what she's making.

"Instant ramen, Takenouchi?"

She almost drops the packet when I dip my head next to her neck, peeking at her work. She steps back slightly, and gloats, "And popcorn."

I chuckle. "My favourite."

After the lunch (or dinner? I don't even know what time it is right now), I resort to going back to the sofa. I've finished the bowl of ramen, but my stomach is clenching as if it's rejecting the food. I don't want to make a scene of it because Sora's prepared it for me. My stomach, thankfully, settles and I don't find myself vomiting any of it out.

Sora's making her way towards me by then. I scoot over and she sits down in the space I've made her. She naturally takes my head and rests it on her lap so that I can keep lying down. It's nice. I want to stay like this forever, that is, until she opens her mouth and asks me if I want to talk about it. I tell her that I'd rather not.

"Then when will you?" she cries out. Her fingers are threading through my damp hair, as if using it to restrain me and making me concede to her interrogations. She's getting fed up with me, but I don't know what to do. It's hard talking about everything.

I ask her anyway. I ask her what she wants to bring up. And, yeah, maybe my tone wasn't the best because she's snarky when she replies, "I don't know...anything, everything?"

She can see me pulling a face. Before I reply, she beats me to it.

"At least when we talk things out, things don't get misinterpreted. I hated it when you wouldn't talk to me and when you refused to see me at the clinic."

I take the bait. I know she's doing this to get me to speak, but hell...I'm over this. She wants this to be out in the open? Sure. I'll give it back to her. "And whose fault is that? You didn't even want to give me a chance."

Or maybe I shouldn't have? I immediately regret what I've said. It's just another tactic to stop me talking about everything. I'm putting it all back on her so I don't have to explain anything.

Regardless, Sora doesn't let me get away with it as she puts it back on me. "I did give you a chance. You just weren't ready."

I can deal with this. I can work with distraction. With anger. With something that stops me from talking about everything else - even if I'm sabotaging myself with Sora again. My mouth spills out more words I shouldn't say, but in a sense...they're words I've held back from her for a while. I argue, "-you're the one who kept rejecting me! I offered you more than one chance. I gave you multiple. You were ignoring it, pretending that all the signs I was giving you were nothing! How would I know that you wanted to be with me, when you didn't even seem to know what you wanted yourself? What the hell was I meant to do?"

"What are you talking about?" She hisses. "You're the one who blacklisted me! You think I didn't know what you were doing, Yamato? You're trying to change the subject. You're getting me worked up because you don't want to talk about it! How long are you going to keep this up? If you want to be with me then-"

And that causes alarms to ring in my mind. She wants to stop what we have because I won't tell her everything? Is that it? Her eyes bulge, as if realising what she's said - but it's too late. She tries to get off the sofa. I overlap my legs over hers to prevent her from leaving. No. She's not going until we speak about everything. If this is what she wants to do, then we're doing it now. I'm not having her leave until we are both satisfied, until we both have the answers that we seek. I do not want us to go back to non-talking terms. I don't think I can handle that ever again. Even if we do break up, I don't want her completely gone. I can't have that happen again. Hell, I don't even know what I want anymore.

"If you want to be with me...? Are you threatening that we break up already?"

Sora glares. "Don't be stupid! I never said that!"

I tell her that I don't know what to think. That I'm not a fucking mind reader.

She doesn't take that well. "I don't know how your mind works either!"

I guess nothing stops us from fighting.I thought we could start fresh without fighting, but perhaps it is ingrained in us to bicker. Maybe it's how I'm looking at her because in that split second her voice softens, and it hits hard when she speaks up, "Then shouldn't we work on this then? Shouldn't we talk things out..."

She wants this to work. She wants us to work.

I cave. "What do you want to know about then?"

"Kaori," she replies the name that I don't want to hear. "Tell me about Kaori."

How does she know about Kaori? It must have been Satou-san. He must have shown Sora the article.

Sora says, "No, it wasn't from that. I was hoping you'd tell me first. I'd rather hear about the article from the real source himself, not something written and, potentially, made up. I want to hear it from you."

I'm going back and forth as I start to find the words to describe Kaori. I don't know if I'm making sense, but Sora takes it all in.

"Because you loved her?"

The question throws me off. Sora's staring at me, waiting. It's not even a question. It's like she's accepted that I love her. I don't think I can ever stop loving her. She's a part of me, my history. But Sora...this woman in front of me is different. She promises different things, she's stunning, she's a miracle. She makes me want to think about a future - and I don't think I've ever even thought about this when I was with Kaori. I don't tell Sora this though. It's too awkward, especially when she expects me to talk about my first love.

"Kaori had a sweet tooth, but Hershey Kisses were her favourite. She was horrible at singing, liked to wear all black because it was easier to fade into the background, and because it was easy to match with everything, claiming she was sophisticated because of her fashion sense, but boy...she wasn't. You wouldn't believe the many times I had to pull her aside from getting accidentally run over by a car. And her laugh, it reminded me of soft chimes, dancing in the wind."

I kept going, letting it all out. "...We did crazy things together. We were young...we were both going through shit - but she understood me, you know? Her art was incredible. All those paintings she painted all had meanings. They were never for display; they were her own private collection - until I found out the school had been exhibiting her art pieces. That irritated the fuck out of me. And, ironically, it was that same night I found you with Sebastian."

Fuck. Why am I telling her this? Why am I putting the blame on her? Well, maybe it was her fault in that instance. It was. And fuck...I can't still help but like her. If she wanted to be with Sebastian, she should have gone with him. He would have been the better pick.

She squeezes my hand, and I find myself still going on about Kaori.

"But it's been a rough few days, with the media wanting to bring her out into the spotlight. She wouldn't have wanted this. The fact that those assholes want to print her face for everybody to see, the fact that they...they're only describing her as a gravure idol's daughter, and my ex – I can't stand that idea, Sora. There's so much more to her than that. She's already been through so much, and even now that her body is resting in her grave, the media wants to fuck with the memory? How come? Why? I feel so darn powerless because if I put up a fight, the stronger they'll resist and would want to make a story out of it; out of her..."

"We can stop this."

"No, we can't. I know the media and what they're capable of. And, on top of this all, what pisses me off the most is that she's a memory. Kaori is dead and there's nothing I can do about it. I could have stopped it, I-"

I stop, not wanting to talk anymore. I pinch the bridge of my nose, to stop myself from breaking down. I can't. Not now. If only she knew what I did - what I drove Kaori to do. Can she forgive me too? Will she think badly of myself...as much as I do?

Sora suddenly repositions herself, and I find that my body is hovering over her as she pulls me into one of her comforting hugs. She's doing this intentionally, so I can't look away from her. And something in me breaks when she utters, "Yamato, it's not your fault she died."

It's easy for her to say. I talk about how she fell. How it's hard to sleep at night because I still hear her screaming ringing in my ears. The blood stained in my hands. Cradling her limp body. How I could have stopped it. How I could have prevented it. How much I loved her. How her ghost won't let me go...

"I couldn't stand it; that she left, that she took the easy way out. That she left me. I thought, I thought that I was more to her than that...and the last look on her eyes when she fell, I saw her face...I saw that she had regretted it. That's what eats me the most, Sora."

"Kaori's accountable for her actions though."

Out of all the responses, I hadn't expected Sora to say this. She's talking as if it's Kaori's fault. It's not Kaori's fault. It's my fault.

"-why are you talking about Kaori like she's wrong?"

She shrugs. "Maybe because I never knew her. Though, what I do know is that killing yourself is never the correct option. This isn't your fault. She made the decision to end her life, not you Yamato."

I'm still somewhat stunned that she's still here. Talking to me. Defending me. A woman who doesn't need a fractured person like me. Why hadn't she left when she had the chance to? I voice this out loud to her.

"I'm talking about my ex. How can you stand this...that we're talking about her?"

She grimaces, trying to make me feel better by bringing up how she kissed her ex and how it is worse. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. I don't know who's more right than the other. Either way, I know that my ways of tackling the situations have been incorrect and mishandled. I find myself laughing at it all. I hate thinking about that moment. I hated seeing Sora with her ex. And that had been my last trigger to make me go berserk. How unstable was I? How embarrassing.

"I'm sorry, Yamato." Sora frowns. "I...I don't know why I did that. Why I risked everything to hang out with my ex. I was already happy with what was happening with us, and I...I screwed up by spending time with Sebastian when I shouldn't have in the first place."

I tell her it isn't only her. How I fucked up too. She doesn't seem too pleased with my reply. We're both humans.

"A lot went on. Everything had been tumbling down already for me; everything was a mess." I sigh, "I was avoiding my therapy sessions. Takashi was no longer around. The school had kept Kaori's paintings. My mother had another go at me-I thought I was fine, but seeing you with him made everything worse. But, you know what, I was falling apart anyway...I think being with you only delayed the process. I needed help, but I hadn't reached out for it. And, to think that I actually believed I was fine-"

"I'm sorry." She's trying to apologise again. I shake my head at her.

"No, I should be the one who was sorry. Sora, I was so scared how I hurt you that night..." It still haunts me. Waking up from being high, seeing all the scratches on her, how I treated her. That was no way to treat a person - and I, I fucked up. If she pressed charges and threw me in jail, I'd go without protest. Yes, drugs influenced me...but that doesn't make it an excuse. And, the fact that Sora's even giving me a second chance is baffling. I'm the worst human out there.

I admit, "It wasn't the fact that I didn't force you into sleeping with me, like you've told me...it was the fact that I don't remember. I get patches of what happened, of what I had done, and in those moments that I do remember, I had been fuelled with anger. I remember how you looked at me, hurt, confused. I hated it. That's what haunted me the most."

"Hey," she whispers, kissing me on the cheek again. "That's enough, Yamato. It's over. I'm still here now, aren't I? Didn't I tell you that we can get past this?"

"I..how can I? I treated you like shit and I still talk about Kaori." Doesn't she get it? Doesn't she understand how fucked up this situation is? "I don't know why you even care about me."

"Why? I just do." Sora says. "It's that simple."

I almost snort out loud. If only it was that simple.

"Anyway..."

Her lips curve upwards. "Just thinking about being apart from you, I don't think I could bear it."

"Really?" She knows she's being corny, but I can't help but smile at it because I'm sharing the same feelings. I reply, "Because I don't think I can bear being apart from you either, Sora."

Instead of her planting me with another kiss on the cheek, I reposition the both of us, having her lying on top of me. She giggles softly when I kiss the side of her neck. I don't want to move a single inch. I'm truly blessed that she's stuck around.

I don't tell her that I don't deserve her again, because I'm sure she's tired of hearing it.

All I want is to hold her.

For somebody with a complexity of emotions, I can be quite simple.

.

(a/n) Ah, long chapter to make up for my lengthy absence? Sorry! I admit...I have been procrastinating, but yes...other stuff has been happening in life, work, and health. No particular order...or maybe at all once? Haha...hah...hah. OK, I'll stop. Thank you so much for reading so far. The last scene was kinda a repetition to Bittersweet, but there will be more new scenes coming up. Hope you are all doing well!

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Oldie - She has been in vaguely mentioned in semi flashbacks. It'll go more into detail later. Some pieces of her contribution has been explored in this chapter. She's a bit of an odd character to say the least, with different problems. (Because many characters tend to have something going on in this story...haha). It'll be sad when it ends. Thank you so much for reading. And yes...the story keeps (somehow!) getting longer. Some scenes end up turning longer than expected and, well, there is definitely more story from Yamato's POV compared to Sora's POV.

(Will reply to reviews later today or tomorrow. thank you for reading!)