Chapter 38: Butterfly Kisses

APOV

I didn't see or hear from Edward for a week, but to be honest, I wasn't entirely surprised.

When he left, I knew he was going to need to do some serious soul searching to decide what he wanted out of his own life. And if he truly wanted me to be a part of it, despite all the crap that might get in the way.

But, for the millionth time since he'd left, I wondered if I had done the right thing. Asking him to make a decision like that.

It wasn't my intention, everything just sort of happened so fast. And I felt like I needed to know if he could do it. If he could really see me being with him always.

It hurt that he had to think about it.

My brain tried to reason that it didn't have anything to do with how he felt about me, but my heart cried 'how could it not'?

How could he really love me and yet not want to keep me forever? Was it really love? I didn't doubt that he had feelings for me. It was so obvious he did; my mind just couldn't resolve how he could love me and not want me at the same time.

But he doubted my feelings, I reminded myself.

That was why.

He didn't think I could love him as much as he loved me.

I wished in those moments that he could read my mind. So he could see how happy I was with him. How much I cared and wanted to be with him. I hated, that even after everything he put me through, he was still doubting me.

Maybe that was part of the problem, I reasoned with myself.

He hurt me, badly. He didn't see how I could forgive that.

And there was my past to consider. I still hadn't told him about it.

I sighed, knowing it was unfair of me to have asked him to make such a big decision so quickly. How could be possibly choose to keep me, without really knowing how I felt? Without us being so close again?

And if I really thought about it, I knew he couldn't. He would leave me again, probably in his mind for my own good.

My heart hurt deeply, as I saw the truth in it.

I shouldn't have pushed him like that. I should make it right.

Without thinking, I pulled out my cell and typed a quick message.

I'm sorry. I don't need an answer anymore.

I made myself send it before I could change my mind.

Then I pocketed the device, trying not to think about it. I needed to focus on what was in front of me. I'd deal with everything else later.

I brought my attention back to the other important person in my life.

"Enjoying the sights?" I asked my dad, making an effort to smile as we hobbled our way down the main street.

He had joined me in Ireland almost a week ago. It had been magical seeing him again. Especially after the encounter with Edward.

"It's a beautiful city kid. I can see why you like it here so much." He ruffled my hair playfully.

"Thinking about moving?" I teased. He would be leaving in a few hours, and I just wasn't ready yet.

"I've considered it more than I should," he admitted. "But you'll be home soon enough. And for now, it's a good reason to travel."

His words warmed my heart.

"Did I tell you? I get a whole month off for Christmas break." His eyes lit up brightly.

"No you most certainly did not! That means you're coming home then?"

I nodded emphatically.

"Of course! I was thinking, if you don't mind, I might invite Brennan to come with me." Dad lifted his brows in surprise, then he grinned.

"And I thought you weren't dating."

I laughed shaking my head. Dad really, really liked Brennan. He had been thoroughly charmed by the rascal.

It had taken much convincing on my part to keep him from thinking we were going out. Brennan of course didn't help. He was so flirty and sweet to me, that dad was almost certain I just didn't want to admit I was in a relationship.

"We aren't dating," I sighed rolling my eyes. "He actually set up this really sweet anniversary trip for his parents for over the break. They'll be gone for a few weeks; I just thought he might like taking a trip to the U.S. And since you get along so well, I figured you would be okay with it."

Dad was giving me a knowing look. I just ignored him.

"I would love to have my future son in law come stay with us for Christmas."

I laughed and slapped his arm playfully.

"You're killing me. I promise it's not like that. Seriously. He's just a really good friend." I mentioned for what felt like the thousandth time.

Instead of grinning, dad's smile turned a little sad.

"You know Bells, I just want you to be happy. I do like Brennan, he seems like a great person, and he brings out the best in you. Is it so bad, that I'd like to see you happy with someone?"

His words shocked me.

I didn't think he even wanted me to date. All this time, I just thought he really enjoyed teasing me.

"I am happy. Having someone would be nice but depending on someone else for happiness would be asking a lot. And I think it would set us up for failure."

I felt that what I said was true. I loved Edward, with all my heart, but I wasn't going to be with him if I felt it was going to compromise my happiness later on. Or his for that matter.

That's why I made the decision I did.

Dad gave me an appreciative look.

"You're too wise to be so young."

I stuck my tongue out as response, making him laugh.

"I'm a wise-ass for sure."

He rolled his eyes, but obviously appreciated my sense of humor.

We spent the rest of the day enjoying our last bit of time together. And when the time came for him to leave, I tried my best to hold in the sadness.

"I'm really gonna miss you Bells." His hug was warm and all encompassing.

"Me too daddy. So very much."

"I'll see you soon though. Christmas." He reminded me with a big smile.

"You bet! I be there with bells on."

I held in my tears as he got in the cab and rode off to the airport. I had tried to insist on going with him, but I think he knew it would have been harder for us both.

"You wanna go out? Take your mind off yer da leaving?" Brennan asked from behind me. Concern laced his voice and eyes.

"Actually, yeah. We have a few more days before classes start. Let's go get a drink."

I needed something to take my mind off of everything.

Brennan's brow rose to his hairline.

"Really?" I nodded, his grin was wide and just a tad scary. "Oh, we're gonna have so much fun."

I hoped so

…

Four hours, and I'm not sure how many beers later, I realized I was feeling more than a little tipsy

I wasn't out of it, but I was feeling the buzz.

"Havin' a good time?" Brennan asked with a smirk, no doubt he'd just caught me dancing in my seat to the music playing overhead.

"Yup," I let the p pop off my lips and continued to sway in my seat to the beat of whatever the hell song was on.

"I don't think I've seen ye this relaxed in a while."

His comment normally would have made me bristle in defense. But not tonight.

"I'm just letting the chips fall where they may," I told him. "You can't fight fate right? So why bother trying?"

I was thinking of Edward.

I hadn't heard back. And I wondered if that meant he had already decided that he didn't want me and my text made things more complicated. I just wished I knew. So I could cry and try to get over it.

A call, text, hell even a written letter at this point would have been better than the radio silence.

"So this isn' just about yer da."

I slanted my eyes at him, hating how perceptive he could be.

"So nosey." I tapped a finger to his nose, making him grin. "I'm just having fun tonight. I deserve that."

I was nodding my head at him and forced his chin up and down with my hand to agree with me. He laughed, shaking me off.

"I think ye've had enough to drink." He slid the rest of my beer away, replacing it with a glass of water.

I frowned, but rolled my eyes and took a sip of the refreshing beverage.

"I'm cut off huh. Here I thought getting me drunk was part of the plan." I threw my hands in up the whatcha-gonna-do motion.

"Ye are drunk Bella."

I was offended at that.

"Excuse me, I am not. I'm not even slurring my words."

But then a crazy thought occurred to me. Did drunk people know when they were slurring?

"Am I?"

I was truly worried for a moment, until Brennan started laughing.

"No, yer not." He chuckled for a moment longer, and I felt like blushing.

"But I am drunk?" I questioned. I mean I felt different, but I didn't think it constituted as anything more than buzzed.

He was shaking his head.

"No, I don't think yer drunk either."

Good.

I didn't actually want to be.

"I'll stick to water anyways."

He sighed.

"I was only teasing Bella. Ye can have more if it's what ye want."

I shook my head though.

"No, no. It's best I stop while I'm ahead. Knowing my luck, I'd finish the last of that beer and be trashed."

His smile was faint, and I could tell he felt bad for even bringing it up.

"Are ye upset about Edward?" he asked carefully after a moment, making me sigh.

"Do you want me to be a sad drunk?" I asked in return.

His brows drew in, watching me.

"I know ye chatted last week. And ye've been off since then. Even with yer da here. I just think ye should talk about it."

"There isn't anything to talk about."

Which wasn't exactly the truth. I'm guessing he could tell based on the look I was getting.

"Can we just not talk about him?" My voice was more pleading than I would have liked.

Brennan wasn't budging though.

"Did ye break up or something?"

I winced, and sighed. He wasn't going to let this go.

"I'm not sure we were even back together."

Which was the truth. He said he wanted me. Said he wanted me to be his. That I was his girlfriend.

But then I had messed it all up by giving ultimatums.

"Bella." Brennan's voice was soft, and sweet.

"Don't be sorry for me. I'm fine." I tried to smile, but I'm ninety percent sure it came out as a grimace. He almost laughed.

"Tell me. What happened?"

Why could I deny him nothing?

"We talked, things seemed good, better at least."

"Then why are ye so upset?" He was confused.

"I didn't want to let go, you know? And I pushed too hard, too soon." I admitted

"How did ye push?"

"I think part of me was just really scared he was going to disappear again. So I wanted to know if we had future together."

Brennen understood.

I could see it in his face. How he would feel if his lost love came wondering back into his life.

"So what, ye proposed to him?" His brow was quirked slightly, trying to lighten the mood.

I nearly laughed, but I was still feeling pretty crappy about my actions.

"In a round about sort of way, I guess I did."

Brennan's eyes widened.

"Seriously?"

That time I did laugh, just a little.

"I didn't ask for his hand, at least not in that way. I just, I told him that I couldn't be with him if he didn't see a future with me in it."

His face sobered slightly at my words; he looked a little incredulous actually

"He said no?"

I shook my head.

"No. He said he needed time." I told him honestly, and he gasped.

"That bastard." He seethed.

I groaned, frustrated with everything.

"No, don't be mad at him," I begged. Brennan looked so confused.

"How can I not be mad? Yer head over heels for him, and he can't tell ye if he want's ye in his life?"

"It's more complicated than that."

I paused, trying to think of a way to explain. A way to get him to understand, without revealing too much.

"I can't tell you specifics," I waited until he nodded, understanding, "Edward has a lot of baggage. And there are things about him, his life, that he's afraid to subject me to. And while it's something that can be put off for a little while, eventually we'd have to face it."

I could see some understanding start to fill Brennan's eyes.

"His baggage, it's that bad?" Brennan seemed doubtful.

I chose my next words carefully.

"Yes, and no." I paused momentarily trying to gather my thoughts. "There are obstacles. True, real, genuine obstacles. And in his mind, they're too much for me."

"Ye disagree?"

I nodded.

"It's not that I don't see the truth of what I'd have to give up, or deal with. I'm not saying that I think it would be easy, but I just think, being with him would make it worth it. That any hardship I'd face would be better than facing a life without him in it."

Brennan's eyes softened as he looked at me.

"Yer truly in love with him."

I nodded, feeling a little helpless.

"I am. I think all of this is just really hard on him, because we only just got back together, you know? He hasn't had time to really understand how I feel."

Brennan nodded agreeing.

"Tell me, why does a decision have to be made now? Why not give him more time to see how much he means to ye?"

I sighed, this was all leading to my current dilemma.

"It doesn't have to be made now. But at the time, I just wanted to know so badly. I'm already so in love with him, and the though of being with him only to break if off later was eating me up inside."

His brow furrowed, considering.

"Ye say a decision doesn't have to be made now, what changed?"

It was a fair question.

"Nothing." I shook my head. "But if it's two days or four years, him leaving me is going to hurt the same. I just decided I'd rather have the extra years."

Brennan's face turned thoughtful, and he sighed. Instead of saying anything, he hailed the bartender.

"Two shots, top shelf whiskey."

In a flash the little cups of golden rich liquid were sitting in front of us. He handed me one.

"To shitty situations. May yer head hurt far more in the mornin' than yer heart."

I laughed as we clinked glasses, and threw back the drink.

It burned all the way down, but I relished the feel.

Brennan looked over at me a stupid grin on his face.

"How about a dance?"

…

I think it must have been close to four in the morning when we finally made it home.

Brennan and I were giggly from the booze, singing stupid songs as we pulled up to the house. We both gave our cab driver a big tip for dealing with our stupid drunkenness.

"Fuck," I cursed as I dropped my keys for the millionth time.

"Ohhh, ye said a baddie wurd." Brennan laughed at me while I struggled to bend over to get my keys.

I ignored him as I needed all of my concentration to pick up the keys without falling over. It was especially difficult with my cast on.

I staggard to the side and plopped down in the grass, somehow managing to not injure myself in the process.

"Whoops."

And then I stated giggling.

I couldn't help it.

It was just all so silly.

"Ye've gone bonkers." Brennan laughed, laying down in the grass beside me.

"I've been bonkers."

We both cackled after I said so.

"True, true. Totally mad, ye are."

I leaned back on my elbows, looking up at the moon and stars.

"Soo pretty." I hummed contented to lay in the damp grass.

"Ye sure are."

I turned my head to see Brennan grinning at me.

"Don gimme that face." I waggled a finger at him

He threw a hand over his chest in mock offense.

"I amn't doin' nothin."

I'm not sure that sentence made sense, but it did make me laugh.

"Mmhmm. I know you."

He rolled his eyes, but leaned towards me, his face very close to mine.

"No kisses." I warned. He nodded but continued to just stare at me, his lips only a few inches from mine.

"Bella?" He looked so vulnerable, it made me so sad to see him like that. "I miss her."

The words hurt me for him.

I stroked his cheek, realizing now, he just wanted comfort more than anything else.

"I know." I really did.

"I hope he chooses ye."

Tears gathered in our eyes. He hoped for me the outcome he'd never received himself.

"Me too." I swallowed.

He nodded his head.

And because he looked so sad, I pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek.

"I always be your friend Brennan. Always."

His head dropped to the crook of my neck and cried.

Knots formed in my stomach to see him hurt so badly, so I did the only thing I could.

I held him.

Let him release the hurt that had resurfaced in wake of our conversation tonight.

I held him for a long time, until the first rays of sunlight started to push against the sky.

"Ana?"

For a moment I thought I was hallucinating, but then I saw him.

Edward squatted down in the grass in front of me, his eyes careful, watchful.

It took me some time to find my voice.

"He's hurting." Was all I could say. I looked down at Brennan sleeping on my shoulder. His eyes puffy from both indulging and crying the night before.

"Want me to take him to his room?"

After a moment I nodded.

I wanted to continue to comfort him, but he was asleep anyways.

Edward surprised me by picking us both up at the same time as if we weighed nothing. It must have shown on my face, because he gave a slight smile.

"I told you once, I'm really strong."

No freaking kidding.

Quick as a flash, he moved us into the house to Brennan's room. He set me down at the foot of the bed, while gently laying Brennan against the pillows.

It was over quickly, then he turned to me.

"Do you want to stay here? Or I can take you to your room."

I thought about it for a moment. I did want to stay, but again, he probably just needed rest.

"I just need a minute." Edward nodded and stepped out of the room.

First I removed Brennan's shoes, then I pulled a blanket over him and brushed his hair out of his face.

When I was satisfied, I placed another kiss to his cheek.

"Sleep tight."

I hobbled out of the room, turning off the light and shutting the door on my way out.

Edward was waiting for me.

I thought about just climbing the stairs myself, but I was tired, and the cast made it a pain.

He must have sensed the direction of my thoughts, because he came up to me slowly.

"Let me help."

I didn't want to fight, so I nodded my head.

He carried me quickly into my room. But instead of putting me down, he held me in his arms while sitting on my bed.

I looked up at him, curious.

"It's been a long night. Do you want me to let you sleep?"

I was very tired. But there was no way I could sleep now.

"No."

His gaze held mine for a long time, I could see his mind was racing, questions on the tip of his tongue.

"I am sorry it took me so long. I thought of coming sooner, but I did not want to interrupt your week with your father."

I wasn't surprised he knew dad had been in town.

"I thought that it would be best to talk in person, which is why I did not call either. Though now I realize, I should have said something." He paused for a brief moment. "I must also admit, I followed you tonight."

That did surprise me.

"Why?" I was very confused.

"I planned to see you as soon as your father left town. Then your message today; I wasn't entirely sure what you meant. When I came to find you, I realized you weren't home. I used my tracking skills to find you."

He looked slightly embarrassed.

"I was planning to make myself known to you in the bar, but you looked like you were having a good time."

Oh. Great. He watched me get drunk.

"So you were eavesdropping." My voice sounded a little dull, and he looked contrite.

"I- yes. I was." He didn't give me any excuses, which I guess was something.

"Did you find out something you wanted to know?"

My tone was clipped, he winced.

"Yes. And no."

It made me frustrated.

"You could have asked. I would have told you anything you wanted to know."

He nodded frowning.

"I know. All I can say is, that it wasn't my intention to listen in. But when you started to talk about me, I won't lie, I really wanted to know. Not just what you carefully choose to tell me, but what you would say unfiltered to a friend."

He looked so ashamed.

"It was a rotten thing to do though. I am sorry I didn't just ask."

I was still annoyed, but I had to admit, if I had been able to listen to him talk about me with someone he trusted, I would want to know too.

"Okay."

He looked surprised.

"It wasn't a nice thing to do, but if I was in your shoes, I probably would have done the same."

"I keep messing up, and you keep forgiving me." His voice was sad and yet full of wonder.

"I'm a saint, what can I say?" I joked with a small eye roll.

"You really are."

The tension in the room was increasing. Or maybe it just felt that way.

"Edward?" his eyes found mine, they were so serious. "I meant everything I said to Brennan in the bar. I know that you love me, and I'm sorry. I was asking for too much too soon. Like I said in the message, I don't need an answer, not for now at least."

He watched me carefully for a long time. I wanted to fidget under his direct gaze, but I held myself still.

"You changed your mind because you think I'm going to give you up." It wasn't a question. And though his voice was even, there was a tense quality to it.

"Yes." I answered truthfully, his hands flexed against me. "I know what I feel, but it's been a long time since we were together. And even that was fairly brief. I can't expect you to understand how deep my feelings are. Or that yours would be the same."

I reached out to caress his cheek, seeing the pain in his eyes.

"I wish I had all the time in the world to show you how I feel, but I don't. I stand by what I said before. I don't want you around to see me turn old or frail, I wouldn't be happy like that. In the meantime, I'm not going anywhere. Who knows, maybe it won't seem like such a choice with time, maybe you'll just know, one way or the other what you really want. But for now, as long as you'll have me, this is enough."

When I'd finished, he said nothing. I could see from his eyes there were many conflicting emotions. Almost the same look he'd given me when I'd asked him to make a decision about us previously.

I wondered again if that meant he's already made up his mind. That he was planning to call it all off tonight.

Though my heart throbbed dangerously, I wanted to be fair to him.

"If you already made up your mind, it's okay." I felt the tears forming, I blinked them back. "If you want to leave, I won't make it harder for you."

Having said so, I stood up, trying not to react when he didn't stop me. Calmly as I possibly could under the circumstances, I walked to the joining bathroom and closed the door.

I gripped the sink for support, feeling like my legs might give out at any moment. Though I tried to stifle the sob working its way up the back of my throat, a small gasp of pain escaped my lips.

Before I could even understand what was happening, arms spun me around, crushing me against a cool wall of muscle.

Half-blind with tears I looked up into Edward's ferocious eyes.

"Ana, I am never going to let you go." His words were hard. Angry. "By God, I'll change you right this second if you really think I'd let you walk away."

A thrill went right through me to my core at his words. And his grip was almost frighteningly tight, but it didn't hurt. It just made me ache.

"I was trying to do what I thought was right." My voice was a whisper.

His eyes darkened, jaw clenched.

"Right for who?" He demanded.

"For you!" I countered passionately. "You weren't saying anything. And you've been nothing but cryptic all evening. What was I supposed to think? That by some miracle you had changed your mind, and decided you wanted me after all?"

His grip tightened even more.

"Of course I want you!" He growled. "How could I not want you? You're everything Ana. I've wanted you since the first time I saw you. I've wanted nothing more than to make you mine every day since I met you."

The same words might have been said lovingly.

But his were savage. Showing me the fierceness of his need.

Maybe it should have scared me.

All it did was make me angrier.

"Then why did you leave?" I snarled back.

"Because I was afraid of hurting you again!" he roared.

"Leaving devastated me!" I basically screamed. "I'd rather you hurt me every day of my life than feel like that again."

Our breathing was ragged as we faced each other with wild eyes, full of pain and anger.

Edward took a step back, dragging a hand through his tousled hair. I could see how hard he was trying to control himself.

"I'm- sorry Ana. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that." There was still a spark in his eyes, but sadness too.

"Don't be sorry. We both yelled." His face lifted, looking at me. "I think we both need to get stuff off our chests."

He nodded after a moment agreeing that it was time, his eyes darkened again.

"It infuriated me that you walked away." He admitted. "I know I have no right to be mad at you for that. But I was. I hate that you think I would have really left you like that."

The level of pain and hurt in his voice made my stomach twist.

"It wasn't something I wanted to believe. But you looked so conflicted. The only thing that made sense why would feel that way, is because you already decided leaving was for the best."

His nostrils flared, and his jaw ticked.

"I was upset that you changed your mind. That you thought I didn't care about you enough to want to change you."

I rubbed a hand over my aching heart. His eyes tracked my movements.

"That's the impression you left me with when we talked last."

His eyes clouded, shame filling them.

"The truth is, when you asked about me changing you, instinctively, it's what I wanted. It made me feel so, complete, knowing you wanted to be with me always." His voice was tense with agony. "And then I felt so guilty for that. For being so selfish."

"How was it selfish if it's what I want too?" I was so confused.

"Because you couldn't know, not really, what it would mean. That's what I was trying to explain. I wanted you to understand that there's so much that goes into it. And that it's one thing to fantasize about, but reality is so different."

I could understand what he meant. He was trying to give me the brutal reality.

"And then, I won't lie, you blindsided me when you told me you couldn't be with me if I didn't change you."

I winced. I had sort of done that.

"It wasn't intentional. You asked what I was thinking, and I was trying to be truthful. In the past, me not explaining my thoughts caused a lot of problems. I didn't want that to happen again."

I admitted feeling terrible about what my words had caused.

"You had every right to feel the way you did. And after I had time to think about it, I did understand how you felt."

His words surprised me. I lifted my head to look at him.

"I hadn't been thinking long term. Everything was just so fresh; I was still wrapping my mind around having you again. And when you mentioned dying one day, it just kicked the wind out of me."

I nodded, remembering, understanding.

"I'd be lying if I said I never thought about changing you. I did, have, a lot. But those thoughts stemmed from selfish fantasies of me wanting to keep you, not from any real consideration. When you asked about it, I had to face a lot of my own beliefs and how I felt about this life. If it was really something I could live with subjecting you to."

Hearing his words helped ease some of the pain I was feeling. I had seen things from his point of view before, but to have him describe it more, helped me understand better.

"I needed time, not because I didn't want to change you, but because I wanted to make sure it would be for the right reasons. That you really understood what you were asking for. That you would truly be ready for that, not just because I wanted you to be."

All the hurt I'd been feeling over the past week subsided at his words. To understand he never really doubted his feelings for me, or mine for him. But rather only wanted to be certain that such a permanent decision would be made with care.

I stepped forward, bringing my hands up to his cheeks, stroking them lightly.

"I want a life with you in it. I want to be with you, no matter what hardships you think lie ahead. If you want to tell me everything you can possibly think of, that you feel might change my mind, I'll listen. I'll wait until you're ready; until you think I'm ready. And we'll go from there."

His eyes shuddered closed, and he leaned into my hands.

When they opened again, so much love was in them.

"I love you." I told him reverently.

His eyes darkened just a fraction, and he leaned in for a kiss. His lips hovered just above mine.

"I," kiss "love," kiss "you."

The light touches set butterflies off in my stomach.

And I knew everything would be okay.

AN: Thanks for continuing to read my story. I hope you have enjoyed it so far!