Sorry this took longer to get up from the author note. I have been working OT for the last two weeks.
The days between Christmas and New Year's always felt like limbo to Callie and probably to most people. She and Luca spent most of their time splitting their time between their families' homes so everyone could spend time with Diana. Callie was happy to have people so eager to fuss over Diana so she could use those spare moments to take showers, naps or pump milk. On this particular day Frank was coming over to join the family for dinner and to spend some time with the baby.
Callie and Luca had been at the house most of the day and while Luca helped get the table set, Callie was upstairs feeding and changing Diana so that hopefully the baby would sleep through dinner. Stef and Lena were working on finishing dinner when the doorbell rang. Luca went to answer it and quickly stepped aside to let Frank inside.
"Hey Frank, come on in. They are almost done in the kitchen with dinner." Frank smiled and shook Luca's hand, as he took off his jacket.
"So how is fatherhood treating you son?" Luca smiled, "it is treating me better than I deserve. Diana is great and right now even being tired is still worth it. Probably always will be."
"And where is your lovely wife and my great-granddaughter." Callie came down the stairs at that moment with Diana snuggled in her arms. The baby was awake despite having just been fed and was cooing at her mother as she made her way downstairs.
"We are right here grandpa. And someone is worried about not being the life of the party because even though I just fed her she wants to be awake." Callie accepted a kiss on her cheek from Frank and shifted her arms so he could get a good look at his great grandchild.
"Well look at you kiddo, you have gotten bigger already." Frank gushed over the baby and Callie smiled, "would you like to hold her grandpa? She seems to be awake so might as well enjoy her while she isn't crying." Frank nodded and held his arms out so Callie could pass him the baby. Once he had Diana securely in his arms he walked into the kitchen, talking to the baby in a higher tone than his normal voice. Stef looked up and smiled.
"Hey dad. I see you stole the baby already."
"Can you blame me?"
"Nope, she is pretty great, if Lena and I say so ourselves. Callie, can you tell the thundering herd that dinner is ready?" Callie went to tell her siblings to come down for dinner and slowly they all joined them at the dining room table while Luca helped put the food on the table. Callie put her hand on Frank's shoulder.
"Grandpa, we can put her in her bassinet, you don't have to hold her through dinner." Frank waved Callie away with a smile.
"Nonsense, she is happy and more than welcome to stay right here with me while we eat. How often do you and your husband get to eat with both hands free?" Callie smiled, "these days, almost never. You tell me if you want to put her down." Callie sat down and after they filled everyone's plates, Callie discreetly cut the meat on Frank's plate so he could eat it with one hand and still have Diana in his arms. Dinner conversation was the same as it always had been in the house: loud, but civil and full of jokes and laughing. Callie and Luca would steal glances at their daughter who was very content to snuggle with Frank and listen to him talk in low tones to her or put his fingers in her tiny hands. At one point, Callie looked up to see Stef looking at her dad and Callie wouldn't say her mom looked sad, but she seemed to be lost in thought. Callie knew better than to call attention to it and she let it go.
They finished dinner and Luca was helping the twins do the dishes. Jude went back upstairs to shower, leaving Frank, Stef, Lena and Callie downstairs. Lena was in the kitchen putting away leftovers and Callie soon found her mom standing in the doorway just beyond the living room where Frank was slowly walking around the space with Diana pressed snuggly to his chest while he hummed a tune. Callie could see her daughter was almost asleep and it was a sweet moment. She stood next to her mother and let the silence sit between for a few moments before she said anything.
"It's ok to be jealous you know."
"Why do you think I'm jealous sweets? I'm just watching…"
"Watching your dad, snuggle and sing to my daughter. Just like you watched him eat with one hand while holding my daughter. If I had to guess; if I called grandma right now and asked if grandpa had been a hands-on dad, she'd probably laugh."
Stef smiled and nodded.
"That is what I thought. That's why I said it's ok to feel whatever you are feeling." Stef sighed deeply. "he worked insane hours when I was little. He had the night shift at work when I was a baby and when I was older he was trying to climb the ladder and make detective. By then time he had time for a relationship with me, it was sort of too late, then I came out and well, that didn't get better till you kids came along."
Callie nodded, "remember all those years ago when he came over for dinner after you got custody of us?" Stef nodded. "You remember what I told him and you that night?"
Stef shook her head no. "I told you both, that as long as you both are still alive, there is time to heal that hurt. If there is one thing I know it is shitty parents and it seems that Frank was not the parent you needed or deserved growing up. But look at him right now." Stef looked and smiled as she watched her dad sit down with her granddaughter on his chest and rub her small back.
"I know it doesn't heal all pain he put you through, especially when you came out, but can I tell you something? Psychologically, this is good, it's healthy. Erikson argued that there were stages of life we go through as we age, and the final stage is integrity vs. despair. It's a fancy way of saying that in the finally stage of our life we look at our life and determine if we are going to be leaving behind something that will outlive us or if we failed to do that. If we feel we are leaving a lasting legacy in our kids, our work, our dedication to our community, whatever it is, we can psychologically make peace with the fact that we will not live forever. Your dad might have been a shitty dad, but maybe this is the only way he can think of to truly show you he grew into a better man: by showering your first grandchild with all the unconditional love he should have been showing you. It doesn't hurt any less, I know, but I promise you, the man we are watching right now, is different than the man who raised you."
Stef never stopped being amazed at the things Callie noticed or picked up on and she had to admit, as much as she hoped her upbringing with her dad could have been different, it made her happy to see him being such a devoted great grandfather to her oldest daughter little girl.
"Anyone ever tell you that you are very smart?"
"My moms tell me pretty often." Stef hugged Callie and kissed her head and they watched as Frank just spent silent moments looking down at the newborn on his chest and grinning.
"I will say, this is more growth than I thought he was capable of in his lifetime. And if anyone is going to enjoy it, I'm glad its Diana."
"You know, it may be focused on her, but we can all benefit from it, you especially." Stef smiled and Callie excused herself to go pack up the diaper bag so they could head out soon and get home to put Diana down for the night. Stef quietly went into the living room and sat next to her dad.
"Been a long time since I held a baby this small." Frank smiled as he gently handed the baby over to Stef.
"I figured, but you still got the magic touch it would seem."
"Eh, she's a happy baby and she knows she is very well loved around here I'm sure. I'm just glad she seemed to be happy with me."
"She knows a good man when she sees one dad."
Frank offered Stef a smile, "well she is a newborn, she'll learn better as she gets older." Frank winked at Stef and stood up. "I should head home though, let you guys get some rest." Frank shifted the baby and made it so he could easily hand her off to Stef. Once she had her granddaughter in her arms Stef quickly cooed over the baby.
"She's a lucky kid Stef. No shortage of love and affection around here." Stef nodded, "she is lucky dad, cuz she all has of us here, but also you and mom, Lena's folks and Luca's family."
"I'm not sure I add very much to that mix Stef, but thank you."
"Well, I am sure enough for us both. She's lucky to have you around dad and the rest of us enjoy it when you come around too." Frank smiled and offered Stef a quick kiss on her forehead as he stood up.
"Well, I guess I will come by more often, even when this little one isn't here."
"We'd like that dad." Stef stood up and walked her dad to the door. Watching him get in his car she gently rocked the baby back and forth, "you know something kiddo, I think your mom is right."
"Of course I am." Callie appeared out of nowhere with the baby carrier and diaper bag. "Talking about me to my kid behind my back eh?"
Stef smiled and strapped the baby into the car seat. "All good things love. You might have some good points about my dad."
"It may not ever feel exactly how you would like, but if you can get to a place where you feel some peace and resolution, then I think that is more than enough. He may have been a shitty dad, but maybe we can be a solid grandpa and great grandpa. Heal the generational trauma across two generations."
Stef smiled and kissed Callie before handing to carrier to Luca, "I think I can live with that. You guys call when you get home ok?" Stef and Lena kissed the kids goodbye and as they watched them leave Stef noticed herself feeling a little better and she thought to herself that Callie was right: her father was not the same man he used to be and maybe this man deserved whatever forgiveness she was willing to offer.