mild trigger warning

Chapter Thirty-Nine: This is Possibly the Most Humiliating Moment of Remus's Entire Life

"Have you caught up with your work yet?"

"No."

"You need to do that, Remus."

"I know."

The thing was, Remus didn't care. So what if he didn't catch up? Pretty soon, it wouldn't even matter. So why bother?

"You're still reluctant to talk to me." That was a statement, not a question.

Remus didn't answer.

"I'm still proud of you.

Remus didn't give a shit.

"We're going to move you back to your room."

Remus nodded, giving a forced, fake smile.

"There will be rules, of course, and check-ins and such, and we'll still have these sessions. But you'll have much more freedom."

Freedom, if you could call it that. He was free to leave, sure, but there were so many other things he wasn't free to do. He glanced up at the clock. Two more minutes.

The therapist noticed. He sighed, but didn't say anything. They both knew that nothing else was going to get done this session. "You can go," he said.

Remus hurried out of the office. Sirius was waiting in his room. Remus didn't say anything, didn't look up from the floor when Sirius greeted him.

Sirius frowned and hopped off the bed. "You ok?"

Remus shrugged.

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

Sirius engulfed Remus in a warm, safe hug. Remus rested his head against Sirius's chest, just listening to his heartbeat.

"It'll get better."

Remus didn't say anything. He didn't want to lie to Sirius. He knew it wouldn't be ok. But that was ok. Sirius's hug was safe, and Remus could stay in his arms forever.

"I can go back to the tower," Remus said quietly.

Sirius grinned widely at him, then leaned down and kissed him. Remus shifted, bringing his arms up around Sirius's neck, deepening the kiss.

"That's fucking amazing," breathed Sirius, both about the news and about the kiss.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Shut up and kiss me."

Sirius readily complied, connecting them in another long, passionate kiss. They stumbled back, and Remus felt his back hit the wall. There was no one else. Just Remus and Sirius, Sirius and Remus, and it was perfect. Sirius's hands were on the small of his back, holding him close.

Remus felt Sirius's tongue run along his teeth, and he practically moaned into Sirius's mouth. Sirius smirked, doing it again. His hands were wandering and the sensations were unbelievable and holy fuck, Remus thought he might be in heaven.

"Fuck," he stammered out.

Sirius was smirking down at him. Both were panting slightly. "I fucking love you," Sirius breathed, laughing a little bit.

Remus shakily unwrapped his arms and leaned back against the wall. He closed his eyes, smiling slightly. Sirius put his arms on the wall, on either side of Remus. He leaned down and kissed his boyfriend gently. Remus's stomach fluttered, and he pressed up into the kiss.

The door swung open. Someone cleared their throat loudly. Sirius jumped back. Remus blushed dark red.

"Well!" exclaimed Professor McGonagall.

"Hi," said Sirius weakly.

Remus wanted to sink into the floor, to disappear, maybe just die of embarrassment.

Professor McGonagall collected herself, turning to Remus. "I was just coming to get Mr. Lupin," he said. "We need to go over a few things, but then you'll be allowed to go." She motioned Sirius towards the door.

Sirius looked pleadingly back and forth between her and Remus. He nudged Remus with his foot, silently begging to be allowed to stay. Remus nodded. "He can stay," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Very well then," said Professor McGonagall. "Perhaps you gentlemen would rather sit?"

They shrugged, but walked over to the bed. Sirius flopped down face-first next to Remus. Professor McGonagall sat down on the chair. "First of all," she said, "I don't want to walk in on anything like that again. Understand?" She looked sternly at both of them, but there was a twinkle in her eyes.

"Yes ma'am," whispered Remus.

"Now, we have agreed that you can go back to the Gryffindor Tower. However, you will come here every day for your sessions. You will attend every class. You won't wander around alone; either a teacher, or Mr. Black, or Ms. Evans will accompany you. There will be regular check-ins to make sure that you haven't picked up any old habits. Any questions?"

Remus shook his head. As soon as he was alone, he knew exactly what he was doing to do.

"Good. You are free to leave whenever."

She stood up, nodded to the boys, then left the room. Sirius rolled over.

"I think that may have been the most humiliating moment of my life," Remus groaned. "I fucking hate you."

"Love you too!" said Sirius, way too cheerfully. Remus flipped him off.

"Shut up. Let's go. I want to get the fuck out of here."

Remus pulled at Sirius's arm. The taller boy reluctantly stood up. "But Remy," he whined, "let's cuddle."

Remus sighed. "You're just lazy. Let's go."

"Fine, fine, I'm coming."

It was relatively quiet as they walked back to the tower. Sirius turned to Remus. "I'm so fucking proud of you," he said.

Remus looked down. It hurt to see all the pride in Sirius's eyes, when he had done nothing to warrant it, and was planning on doing certain things that he knew Sirius wouldn't like. It was fine. What Sirius didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

Sirius pushed open the door to their dorm and the couple stepped inside. James was laying on his bed, reading a book. He glanced up lazily, but when he realized it was Remus, he jumped up excitedly.

"Remus!" he cried, running towards the boy and tackling him in a massive hug. "What the fuck?"

"Would you kindly get off my boyfriend, please?" said Sirius sarcastically, kicking James in the shin.

"Easy, easy," muttered James, but he got off of Remus.

Sirius held out a hand and helped Remus up, then spun him around and pulled him in for a quick kiss. James pretended to vomit.

The door opened, and Peter let out a squeal of excitement. "Remus!" He hugged Remus as well.

And it was the four of them again, and they were laughing and chatting and happy. And Remus looked around at his smiling friends. And all he could think about was how badly he wanted to die.

A/N:

sorry this took fucking forever. senioritis + depression + terrible time management and procrastination + anxiety about grades + not caring at all + severe fear of failure and parents + possibly adhd is a terrible match

just generally feel like shit. idk. still clean. still want to relapse so fucking badly. might fuck around and do something stupid tonight

take care, drink something, be nice to yourselves. i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn