2008
Toni is washing the dishes loudly and aggressively in the hopes that it drowns out Denny's incessant prattle of things that are best left alone. Denny has the stick, and he has yet to learn not to poke the monster. Denny challenges and speaks his mind. He knows there will be consequences and what is even worse, he is prepared to accept them.
"I'm not going anywhere. You know I'm right. You see it too, and that makes both of us just as guilty for not stepping in and protecting her." He is speaking directly into her ear. Toni spins around and tries to walk away, Denny grabs her, he is not one for physical or aggressive moves, and this is new. Toni is startled and that is an opening for Denny to continue.
"You're right, he doesn't hit her, but some of the worst abuse is mental and emotional." Denny takes a step back, letting her go. Toni does not want to deal this; she hears loud uncoordinated orchestral instruments blaring inside her head. It Is deafening, she cuffs her ears and tries to find her center.
"Toni."
Toni moves forward, she turns to face him, her body is shaking.
"What will you have me do? He loves her." Toni moans miserably. She reaches out to the counter for strength, her legs are becoming jelly and she cannot hold her body up.
"He doesn't love her, he loves the power he has over her, the attention she gives him. He is a narcissist. Not just petty or vain, but an honest to god malignant narcissist."
"You're a psychiatrist now?" Toni is looking at the floor, she cannot bring herself to face him.
"Erik's a sadist, he becomes extremely violent when he doesn't get what he wants from others or life in general, he manipulates every situation towards his favor and benefit. He destroyed your friendships because you weren't paying him enough attention!"
Toni gestures violently for him to be silent.
"Erik loves differently." Toni's voice is small. Denny throws his hands in the air. He blows air like a wounded animal.
"They weren't my friends," her voice is strained, Denny wonders who she is trying to convince, herself or him," they weren't good for me," Toni grabs her hands and squeezes.
"You were vibrant and popular. You were a beacon. When you were on stage, you became the entire universe. Erik found a center in you and consumed it. You are a shell of what you were a year ago." Denny is without malice, he is in pain and mourning for the life lost, for the Toni that died.
He walks towards her side and takes her hands. They stare at each other in silence for what feels like a hundred years.
"Mama, Denny! Look at what I found!" The cute little four-year old blond in pigtail braids runs into the room, she stops in front of them and reveals her bounty: a baby mouse. Toni intakes breath sharply before she slaps Meg's hands. The mouse scurries off, Toni picks Meg up and roughly washes her hands thoroughly.
"That was my friend," Meg laments, she lost another one. She turns to Denny, he's frowning too.
"That is not your friend, that is a dirty creature, you will not play with it!" Toni scolds.
"We'll find you a friend," Denny promises.
"Papa says no one wants to be my friend, but you're my friend!" Meg is bright like the sun and Denny wants to hold her and run into the woods, away from this prison.
"Your Papa is wrong." Denny is firm. Meg eyes dilate and her mouth opens like an O. Denny gives Toni a look, she waves her hand and crosses her arms. She turns her body away from him.
"Come on, Meggy. Let's have an adventure," Denny takes Meg's hand.
"We'll save the prince from the dragon!" She pulls Denny along and chatters about dragons, the power of pink and horseies.
"What if we sent Meg to a boarding school. The education would be more, I don't know. I feel like it would be best. She deserves to be properly educated, the best education." Toni says all of this over her newspaper. She uses it as a shield, so she does not have to see how he will react. She has read the same sentence five times and she has no idea what it means nor is she retaining any information.
"No." Simple and direct. Erik does not waste time or words. Toni crumples the edges of the paper and winces. She tries to read a different sentence.
"There are some brilliant institutions." Toni dares to peer over the paper before she finds sanctuary in an article about the local market. Erik leans over, he takes the newspaper from her hands.
"No."
He leans into her, kisses her nose with his masked lips before he taps the top of her head. He returns to his chair and turns his attention back to his mug of coffee.
Toni blinks several times and touches her nose. She needs a minute before she realizes she is no longer holding the newspaper, she laughs a bit, she is very silly today. She looks at her hands, still in the same position of holding paper.
Meg runs into the dining room and climbs onto a chair. Denny joins a few seconds later.
"You're up early." Erik watches little Meggy as he drinks slowly from his mug, his piercing eyes not leaving her. She smiles bright and wide.
"I'm going on an adventure! Denny is taking me to a park!" Meg is very animated. She cannot keep still.
"Really." Erik turns to Denny, who ignores him. He leans into Meg and smiles at her.
"Let's get our shoes and coat." She does not need to be told twice, slides out of the chair, and runs to find her shoes and coat.
"She's not a prisoner, she should be at the park playing with friends." Denny turns to Erik; he doesn't flinch at those angry eyes.
Toni does something she would not normally do, and she waits outside Meg's bedroom door. She leans against the wall but keeps her ear at the door. Erik likes to have his time with Meg and prefers that their time is just that, theirs. Meg and Erik only.
". . . only need Papa."
Toni bites her hand, to keep herself from speaking, she finds the strength to restrain herself from storming in and taking Meg right then and there.
Does this mantra happen every night? How long? Toni does her best to fight back tears. She will fix this; she will undo the damage.
The door moves and Toni tries to look nonchalant, like she is walking, not listening. Erik says nothing, he gives Toni a long and intense once over before moving on.
2011
Toni hears the shower start. She tried to ignore it, when she first noticed it after his return. Something caught in the light, a sequin from his mask or dress. He's very dramatic and his clothing is embellished with all manner of bits and baubles. His mask is no different, he has Meg and herself decorate them.
In the corner of her eye, he passes as he picks up Meg, something drips from his dark robe. She shakes her head; she did not really see anything. Meg giggles and is happy at the attention Erik is giving her, he takes her to her room.
Toni waits for Denny to come home. She can be wrong about things, sometimes she wants to be wrong, likes to be wrong. She waits in the dark in the kitchen. She feels cold spread throughout her body.
She can hear the shower; she looks down as she walks to the bathroom. Erik takes great care as he disrobes. Toni flushes, she is not embarrassed to see him naked, but it feels different. She looks away and tries to ignore the blood. He steps into the shower and the blood becomes one with the water as it runs off him.
Toni stares at the drain, the water swirls, and swirls. She feels dizzy. She holds out her hand and presses against the wall for support.
"That's a lot of blood," Toni does not know she's speaking at first, the words startle her, she blinks several times.
Erik says nothing as he lets the water cascade. Toni will not cry. Her lips are trembling, she cannot that. She tries to force control, but her lips vibrate. She turns her back towards him. She feels sick, bile rises In her throat and she swallows it back.
It's too much for her legs and she lowers herself to sit on the floor. Toni lost her only friend she had left. It's up to her to protect Meg from monsters now. Toni weeps silently, she holds her mouth and mourns her friend.
Now
Erik lets Toni exhaust all her energy. He does not fight her, does not push her, speak to her. He allows her to attack, punch, hiss, kick, slap, and scratch him. She collapses into him when she can no longer move. Her breathing is haggard, her mouth is covered with sweat and spit.
Erik brushes her loose hair back; he leans forward and kisses her forehead. He adjusts his position; she is now laying across his lap as he runs his hands through her hair. Erik removes a handkerchief from his pocket and he gently wipes her face.
He hums an old song, an ancient song, a love song. He holds onto her gently, comfortingly. He hums his song, he coos her, he soothes her. Her anger and hatred are spent and drained.
Toni grabs onto him like a child needing that comfort and love. When the song ends, she sits up abruptly. She needs to hear it again; she pleads with her eyes.
He does nothing. He remains stoic and silent.
There is a haze that massages Toni's brain. She cannot think or see straight, it is difficult for her to focus on any thought.
There is a kind of sludge that is invisible that takes over the mind and body. You are vaguely aware of what's happening around you, but at the same time, that sludge is thick and keeps you apart.
Thoughts are confused and empty. Toni wants to get up, to do something, anything. All she can do in this moment is stare stupefied at her husband.
She looks at her hands, then back at him.
"I'm sorry."
The door opens and Meg steps back, she's not sure what to expect on the other side. She's been holding her breath and was too scared to move from that spot.
Papa is holding mother up, who looks like she's gone ten rounds with a pissed off bear. Meg eeps and moves out of their way.
"What happened?" Meg bites her nails as she watches them walk away.
"Go to bed," Papa is fatigued, he's moving slow, he's not one for these laggard movements.
"Is mother going to be okay? What happened?"
"Now."
Meg runs past them and to her room.
Erik helps her onto the bed. He is gentle and takes great care he lays her down. Erik takes off her shoes, places them on the ground and massages her feet before he moves his hands up her leg. He lets her leg drop and he walks around to other side and sits on the bed next to her. He takes her hand and plays with her fingers.
"I warned you that this was a mistake. You are not ready to be out there on your own. I had to let you ruin yourself, you stopped listening to reason. What if you attacked someone from the Opera? You would have been arrested and then committed to an institution. It's only happenstance I found you before you could wander off."
Erik kisses her fingers.
"My anger was with you and what you did," Toni whispers, she turns onto her side.
"You believed the lie of a grounded teenager. There was a mishap at the Opera involving sandbags, but nothing came of it. No injuries. Marguerite's lied to divide us before. You know her mind is idle and gets bored."
Toni closes her eyes. This is not right. Meg would not lie about this. She had to be pressed, it was not freely given information. She didn't want Erik to get in trouble.
"No, this time you did this." Toni wants to take her hand from him, but lacks the strength.
"You're tired." He leans forward and kisses her eyes, nose, lips.
"You start at the Opera in the morning, go to sleep, Nettles. You need all your strength." He kisses the top of her head. Toni closes her eyes tightly. His lips tickle her ear and neck.
"I love you."
He stands up and turns his back to her. Panic sets in, it strikes at Toni's heart. She sits up and grabs at him. He does not move.
"Don't leave me." Toni's voce cracks. The dam could not be held back any longer, the twigs were not enough support, Tears fall down her cheeks.
Erik looks at her hand that's holding his wrist, he places his hand over it, he squeezes roughly. He removes it before he turns to her. He walks back to the bed and Toni grabs him, pulls him into her.