Chapter 39

Help you hate me

The weather had been perfect on the day they had played against Hufflepuff. Wood was still slightly annoyed that Harry had lost the Firebolt but Harry was an excellent flier even on his Nimbus 2000. So Gryffindor won the match with 170 more points than the Hufflepuffs and had now the lead not just for the Quiddich Cup but for the House Cup too. The party in the common room started off just like any other after game party only this time the twins and Lee Jordan decided to put on a live music show for everyone's entertainment.

Only Harry knew why the twins had gotten the ambition to learn guitar and why they roped Lee Jordan into playing drums. It had a lot to do with the recorder orbs McGonagall had gifted to Harry and which Harry had shared with the twins to a certain extent. Not the outlandish pranks but the small End of School concert the Marauders had put on when they left Hogwarts. Since then, trying to emulate their prankster heroes, the Weasley twins learnt the songs his father and godfather played by heart and practiced, practiced, practiced.

Aries had enjoyed the Quiddich match between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff much more than the one against Slytherin. There had been decent flying and a sense of sportsmanship that made it easy to cheer for both teams. The Gryffindor Chasers were better than the Hufflepuff one however but the Puffs had a decent Beater and the Seeker was also very talented. He was seated next to Amelia who had come to see her house Play and then participate in Governors' meeting later that afternoon. Her niece Sue would have done a better job as Keeper but the girl still refused to play in the inter House competition. Gryffindor won, but it was a closer call with the Snitch than it would have been had Harry had his Firebolt. Still, winning without the professional broomstick only aided in shutting people up about him having an unfair advantage.

The governors' meeting had gone on longer than he had expected but they managed to iron out most of the issues on the agenda. The talks with Beauxbatons and Durmstrang were going well even without Crouch to guide them. In fact Aries had managed to dissuade them from allowing underage 6th years into the competition restricting the games to of age Witches and Wizards. The summer fair and the summer camp with the Merfolk was taking shape, the location having being decided near the Isle of Mull. To begin with, they would start with a camp of 30 Witches and Wizards and 30 Merfolk. The places would be allotted according to grades and references from the teachers of History of Magic, Ancient Studies and Runes. Those being the main studies that dealt with culture at Hogwarts. Speaking or learning Mermish was a bonus point, but it was not compulsory since the camp would provide interpreters and an introduction to the language.

Once the meeting was over Aries found himself alone with McGonagall as she accompanied him to the Gryffindor tower to say his good bye to Harry since he had not had the time after the match.

'The excursions to the Magical institutions for the Muggle-born students is leading to a revival of interesting extracurricular clubs.' She said.

'I had hoped that would be the case. The reverse however is not as popular.'

'The excursions to the Muggle world are not attracting the right crowd. The ones that sign up for them are the half-bloods or Muggle-born that miss seeing movies or doing Muggle activities. I fear the prejudice with the Pure Bloods is still too great to make them open to trying out new things.'

'Perhaps some incentive is necessary. I will give it some thought. How have you been, Professor? You seem to have lost a lot of weight these past few months.'

'I am feeling a bit tired, but other than that. I am quite all right.' She said guardedly. Since the incident with the Fae, she had accepted that Aries Black was not the second coming of the Dark Lord. So she had been trying to maintain a professional relationship with the man.

'Easter holidays are around the corner. Perhaps a small vacation will help.'

They reached the Fat Lady's Portrait and after the password was given they stepped into the Gryffindor common room. Nothing could have prepared the two of them for the walk down memory lane. But while Aries was shocked to find the Weasley twins singing that song, surprisingly on tune, McGonagall grew white as a sheet as she took one step back, then another, then bumping into Aries's arm she ran out. There were but a handful of students that saw the two of them enter and then swiftly exit, Aries trying to catch up to the deputy sensing that she was not right. He didn't have to go far however since she had barely made it down the stairs and into an empty classroom before collapsing on a chair crying.

'Professor…Pan, I need a calming draught, ASAP.' Aries said and not ten seconds later the loyal elf delivered. A few minutes later McGonagall managed to compose herself.

'Forgive me, Lord Black. That was very unseemly of me.'

'Do not worry, madam. We all have our low points.'

'Yes, but not all of us share them with strangers.' She sighed. 'I have supressed my grief over your nephew's supposed betrayal and death. Hid it under anger and disappointment. I thought it was easier to hate than to accept his loss. I was wrong. Oh how wrong I was. If only I could have allowed myself to grieve, if only I would have sought healing through understanding and not hatred. Perhaps I could have asked, asked him the right questions…sought him out…for closure if nothing else. Perhaps he would have been alive now, if only someone just…knew the truth.'

'You were his Head of House.'

'I was more than that. James Potter was my godson, so when I saw that he and the heir of House Black were forming such a deep friendship, well I took interest in Sirius. He had a way of growing on people, he could charm a room with a smile if he wanted to, but that was all a facade. Through James I managed to glimpse a more authentic part of him. I don't think I will ever meet someone who could be so strong and at the same time so vulnerable. His family, maybe Lord Arcturus told you, they were not what parents ought to be. He never complained, but his home life was abusive. I never knew until 6th year when he ran away after being tortured for not agreeing to join You-Know-Who. He was…he was like my own child and I let those monsters hurt him.'

'You couldn't have known.'

'I should have. There were signs. I should have. Instead I mistook his shielded nature and thought he was hiding a darker side, not his vulnerability. When they told me what he had done…I just accepted it. Why would I do that? How could I do that? I am a monster.'

'Don't say that.' Aries said sharply

'What else would you call someone who tells a child that they can trust them, that they will stand by them and help even if their family won't and when it really comes down to it, they let the child suffer. At least his family was honest in their hatred, consistent. I gave him hope and then just…left him to die. Alone, forgotten, grieving, tortured.'

'Stop!' Aries said angrily making McGonagall flinch. 'It wasn't your fault. He wouldn't want you to think that. The evidence against him was overwhelming.'

'What about the evidence that was not against him? The love he had for James, Lily not to mention Harry.' She retorted. 'What of the benefit of a doubt? What of a trial? His loathsome cousin that had a list of crimes a mile long got a trial, he did not! There is nothing that can make what we did to him justifiable. I will hate myself for however long I have on this earth.'

'You are falling into the same trap again. Hatred didn't help you the first time, why resort to it now, when you know the truth? You won't be of any help to Harry like this.'

'Harry…'

'Yes, Harry. You said so, yourself. Sirius loved Harry. So instead of…hate for what happened, it would be much better for you to focus on what you can do…what Sirius would have wanted you to do. If he wasn't around, he would have wanted Harry taken care of as best as possible.'

McGonagall was speechless. This man, a man she had irrationally loathed, a man who had never known Sirius, knew better than her what her former pupil would have wanted. He was right. She could admit it to herself if not out loud that the man was right. Sirius's concern would be for Harry. If she wanted to make amends or even if she just wanted to honour his memory, Harry was key. But could she overcome her grief long enough to actually be there for the boy? She cared about him, but it was hard to look at him and not see the ones she lost. It was why she tried to act like he was just another student, even if she wanted to have a different relationship to him. She was still scared. What sort of head of Gryffindor was she? She allowed her fear dictate her actions. She shook her head and laughed derisively.

'Professor…' Aries asked concerned.

'I am fine, Lord Black. Just…never thought you of all people would get through to me. You didn't even know Sirius, and yet you are doing what he would have wanted. You're taking good care of Mr. Potter. I know the headmaster doesn't want to admit it, but after seeing Harry and you interact, I am finally convinced that you do not mean any harm.'

'Harry deserves more.'

'I will try to be there for him more. I gave him the recorder orbs I had from the time James and Sirius were at Hogwarts. That was where Mr Jordan and the twins learnt that song from.'

'Ah. And the song made you remember them.'

'Yes.' Before either of them could say anything more the door opened and Harry came in followed by the twins and Lee.

'Professor…we didn't mean to. Are you ok?' asked Fred.

'I am fine, Mr Weasley. Lord Black and I were just talking.'

'If we had known that you were coming we wouldn't have played that song.' Said Lee

'And why not. The song is a good song to dance on. And it is I who have to apologize. I haven't been giving you the attention you need. I will endeavour to do better from now on.'

'You're still our favourite head of house.' Said George

'I am your only head of house, Mr Weasley. Now you lot best return to the party you only have one hour until lights out.'

She ushered the three older boys out turning at the door.

'Thank you Lord Black. I trust you will escort Mr Potter back to the tower after you talk to him.'

Aries nodded and he was left alone with Harry.

'Is professor McGonagall really ok? Katie said she saw her running just as she set foot in the common room.'

'She just needs time, but I think she will be ok. Just try not to take her too often down memory lane.'

'Fred and George, they were a bit sad with Ron going away and everything that happened with Pettigrew. I thought the memory with the end of school feast would cheer them up. McGonagall gave me the recorder orbs. They were cheered up, but they also found a new project, a second Gryffindor band.'

'I see, well that song and the timing was unfortunate, but I think I got through McGonagall. But if she doesn't get better, let me know.'

Harry nodded 'How did the Governors' meeting go?'

'Good, if all goes as we hope, next year will be a step forward in international school cooperation.'

'You still won't tell me what it is all about.'

'Not until all accords are signed. I don't want to get you and by extension all of the school riled up and for it to come to naught.'

'I can keep a secret.'

'I know you can.' Aries then led Harry back to the tower.

It was the week before the Easter Holidays and Aries was having a meeting with Adam at Black Manor.

'There is no sign of Barty Crouch Junior anywhere on the island.'

'So you think he already rejoined his master?'

'It is a possibility.'

'You still haven't managed to find Voldemort.'

'We know where he is, approximately. But his exact location is hidden by darker magic than we creatures can disperse.'

'Keep a close eye on that location. I had thought it would be Lucius to go seek Voldemort out, but Crouch is a different type of menace.'

'Oh? I thought you of all people could relate to Crouch Jr.'

'In what way?'

'A former inmate of Azkaban, a wayward son. The first to escape Azkaban.'

'He didn't escape, he was sprung out. There's a difference.'

'Of course, your accomplishment is your own. A pity that no one will ever know about it.'

'Are you trying to rile me up?' Aries asked bemused.

'You are rather more contemplative than usual. And asking questions you already know the answer to.'

'Things will start accelerating soon. I just don't like loose ends.'

'That is not what has you worried. Your plan is set. Voldemort can't come back without you knowing and if he does come back, we are ready.'

'You're right, my worry isn't Voldemort.'

'Harry then.'

'McGonagall.'

'What of her?'

'I thought it would be easier for everyone to just keep Sirius Black dead. And if not dead then, at the end turn him into a villain. Make everyone hate me so that they would not have to mourn. But now I am not so sure.'

'My friend, I can't tell you what to do. But as someone who has existed for many more lifetimes than my average acquaintance, I can safely tell you that hatred is not going to help people move on.'

'I know that. I told that to McGonagall myself. But if that is the case, then I am a hypocrite and cruel for keeping Harry in the dark.'

'I was wondering why you haven't told your godson yet.'

'You think I should?'

'I can't say. Your original plan was to tell him.'

'Yes, but that was before Pettigrew. I thought to tell him when he could dismiss me, when he was of age and a man in full power, when he didn't need me anymore.'

'And how did you think that conversation would have gone down?'

'Bad enough for me to fade into obscurity and death without causing more harm.'

Adam snorted 'After Harry trusted you and you took care of him? Do you think that such a betrayal would have just been dismissed and accepted by the boy? You certainly don't hold your ward in high regard, Lord Black.'

'Isn't it easier for him to hate me for such betrayal than to mourn me until he can't eat, or sleep, or live like I did when James died, like McGonagall does now?'

'Easier it may be, but better it is not. Harry will want answers, he will not just hate without understanding. He is a compassionate young man and he is that because he has you. Because he trusts you. Take that trust away and he will become embittered. Yes perhaps he will hate you at first, but he will also seek to find answers. Do you think that when he finds them, all of them. And he will, he will learn of your sacrifices, of your grand schemes and then, he will understand you, as twisted as you are, your driving force is your love for him. What do you think he will feel when he uncovers that?'

Aries sighed.

'I know what you think I should do. But I fear that it is already too late.'

'You think that because you haven't told him after Pettigrew popped up, that he will resent you these few months of silence.'

Aries nodded.

'I would too.'

Aries glared.

'But I don't think the kid is me. He has a bigger heart than anyone I've ever met.'

'And if he decides to unmask me.'

'I doubt he will do that, and even if he does, what difference does it make? Your plan can't be stopped by anyone now.'

'I'll think about it. There are still circumstances I can't reveal to him, not the time turner, not the Soul Piece guarding him.'

'I admit some of it might be better left for later, but it is ultimately up to you what you say and what you still keep secret. Just don't take too long deciding.'

Harry's last runes class before the holidays had been one of the most interesting thus far.

'I am not a fool to start something new just before the holidays' said Babbling as they settled down before lunch on Thursday. 'So we will have a little friendly competition. Please spilt into two groups. No, Harry, Hermione you can't be in the same group.' They moved around so that the 14 students were now 7 and 7. Neville was on Harry's team.

'Good, we will have a quick quiz for the first hour or so. Whoever answers the most questions right gets to pick what rune we will use on a little patch of earth outside for our first practical demonstration. You have 10 minutes to discuss amongst yourselves what you would like to see tested near the lake: do you want to see growth, INGUZ, do you want to unravel secrets PERTHRO, or something else? Be creative.'

'So Potter, you ready to take on little miss know it all?' a team mate, his name Jake Newton from Ravenclaw asked.

'I don't think Babbling will just let one of us answer everything.' Harry said shaking his head. And he was right. The rules were that everyone had a turn to answer, and when one didn't know the answer, the other team got a chance to win the point. It was fun and the two teams were very well balanced. They were at the last question and the points so far were tied but Hermione's team was the one that had the advantage.

'So, Miss Granger. Last question, what does EIHWAZ represent?'

'EIHWAZ represents a horse, which symbolizes movement, progress, change.' Hermione said quickly.

Babbling smiled and turned to Neville, whose time it was to answer for Harry's team.

'Mr Longbottom?'

'EIHWAZ represents the Yew Tree, which is also the World Tree, and symbolizes Balance, Enlightenment and Death.'

'It seems that enlightenment wins the day. Good job everyone. Now take your things and follow me outside.'

'Good play Hermione.' Said Neville extending a hand to his Gryffindor colleague.

'We lost.' The girl said but shook Neville's hand.

'The last one was a tricky question.' Said Terry who had been in Hermione's team.

'What did you guys pick for us to see?' asked Hanna, who had also been on Hermione's team.

'DAGAZ.' Said Susan.

'Oh, that one's a good one. We picked INGUZ.'

The little patch of earth had been prepared with 24 stones around it in a circle. Babbling told them to fan out in a circle around it.

'Now watch carefully. DAGAZ is a tricky one. It has an ambivalent meaning. On the one part it represents dawn, so awakening, beginning, illumination, but on the other part it represents completion, certainty. How can awakening and completion be one and the same? Well, that is because DAGAZ goes to the essence of everything, the soul. There is no wavering in dawn, once it starts, the day has come, and so, let us see what is going to awaken in this little patch of dirt.' She drew the runic symbol on three equally distant stones first and grass started to grow slowly. She added two more forming the corners of a pentagram. The grass started to be sprinkled with spring flowers. Seven more symbols and a little tree sprout was growing slowly out of the earth.

'Well, will you look at that, EIHWAZ. I think this concludes our daily lesson. As homework, please write your thoughts on how DAGAZ and EINWAZ interacted here today. No more than a parchment length and I don't want to see books quoted. I want your thoughts, what you understood from today and from what we have learnt so far. Don't worry about the grade either, these essays will not be graded.'

The students started slowly to return to the castle.

'You go on. I want to ask Babbling something.' Harry said before going to the teacher who was now dismantling the runic circle. The grass and flowers and the sapling were lightly swaying in the wind.

'Professor, may I ask you something?'

'Of course Mr Potter.'

'You said that DAGAZ goes to the essence, to the soul of everything. Is it related to Soul Magic?'

Babbling turned to Harry.

'Where did you learn that term, Mr Potter?'

'I just came across it while reading.' Harry lied, he didn't necessarily want Babbling to know about the protection he had gotten from his godfather.

'Nothing in Hogwarts has any mention of Soul magic.'

'It was at home.'

'I see, well, your guardian's library probably has all the books on the subject.' She said testily 'However Runic magic has nothing to do with Soul Magic. Runes amplify what is already there, reveal what is hidden, help, heal and protect. Soul Magic is destructive on a cosmic level. It disrupts the natural flow of things and should never be used, never.'

'But can't it be used to protect someone? I mean if someone dies in defence of another person, can't the soul's passing or the soul itself be used as a shield?'

'What you are talking about is sacrifice magic, some say it is a branch of love magic. But in that case, it is not the soul that becomes the shield. The soul can't stay in the living world after death.'

'But the ghosts.'

'They are soulless. Imprints of the departed, the souls of everyone that has ever died are either in the Great Beyond, in Limbo or already started another cycle.'

'But there has to be a way. Soul Magic has to protect.' Unless there was something Aries wasn't telling him.

'There is a lot about magic in general, but especially about Soul Magic that we do not know. I am not a scholar of Dark Magic, Mr Potter, and Soul Magic is the darkest magic there is. Messing with one's soul has no benefits, it destroys the person that uses it and they can never be whole again. A soul has to be whole in order to pass on.'

'What you're saying is that there are no known benefits.'

'Whatever benefits may be perceived, they are not worth it. The soul is our eternal essence, each of us have the potential to grow and evolve only if that essence is whole.'

'But couldn't a soul protect from the Great Beyond? Like a guardian angel perhaps?'

'Guardian Angels are a Muggle myth. And Soul Magic can't be done by the dead, only by the living.'

'That's…' Harry's mind was racing. Could it be that it was not Soul Magic after all? Sirius was dead, so perhaps this protection he had was more like the protection his mother had offered him. But then why would Aries say it was Soul Magic if it wasn't? And if it was Soul Magic, and Soul Magic could be done only by the living, did that mean his Godfather was still alive?

'Mr Potter, please be careful of what you read in the Black Library. I saw how your Guardian teaches you a lot of useful things, but Soul Magic is not one of them.'

Harry nodded only half hearing what Babbling was telling him. What was the truth? Did Aries lie to him, or was Babbling wrong and there were ways to use Soul Magic after death? Aries did say that the Blacks were essentially the one family with arcane knowledge about death. So perhaps Babbling was wrong. But if she wasn't and Aries had not lied. Where was Sirius?

A/N: And that is all folks. A bit short, but at least I started writing again. I had a bit of writer's block and it came from the fact that I really wanted to keep Aries from telling Harry the truth. But it wasn't natural anymore, so, next chapter we shall see who puts two and two together faster. Also the song the Weasley twins and Lee were singing is in my head based on Sunrise Avenue's song I Help you hate me, just replace some words like baby with Minnie, hearts with rules and crashing with the plane with crashing with the broom and you can get the gist of what it was all about.

Thank you everyone who has commented. It was nice to read your thought and I hope the next chapter will not be so long in waiting now that hopefully I have passed that big road block.

On a different note, does anyone know which flowers can be kept on a sunny balcony, which bloom most of the year and can be taken care of by people that managed to kill even the most resilient plants?