Author's Note:
Trigger warnings: This chapter is dark. Really dark. This is the first chapter where the Holocaust imagery really starts to come in. Basically, they all end up near the concentration camp Astrid was held at. Astrid reliving some very painful memories as a result. Not deeply detailed but definitely more than hinted at. I'll put a chapter summary at the end.
Astrid surveyed their surroundings from the branches. Keeping an eye out for enemy combatants. They had only been at this for about two weeks and already she would die for any of her comrades. And she knew they felt the same way. Brothers in arms was an understatement.
She saw Shamira crouching in a nearby tree. Almost invisible. Astrid wouldn't even know she was there if she wasn't looking. Shamira flashing her the signal for all clear. Doing the same for her. Both of them making their way quickly and quietly down to the forest floor. Landing softly. Steve and the others were behind. She beckoned them forward. So far they hadn't run into anyone which was a relief. They had a rather nasty fight not that long ago against Hydra forces. Red Skull really was going to do whatever it takes to stop them.
Yet something still set Astrid on edge. Maybe it was the fact that they were wandering around in the isolated German woods. She had never expected to return to her own country. Especially like this. But something made her feel like that she had been here before. Biting her lip to clear her head. Couldn't afford to be distracted. Not right now. Danger lurked around every corner.
They continued to move through the woods towards their destination. Slowly making their way. But Astrid couldn't shake the uneasy feeling. Each step causing her heart to pound harder. A bad feeling to have in enemy country. It continued even after they had settled down for the night. Eating there MREs. Not bothering to light a fire in fear of drawing attention to their location. Quiet conversation occurring between the men. Only Astrid was silent. Looking out at the woods.
"Something is clearly bothering you," Shamira stated in German settling down next to her. Astrid flicked her eyes in her direction. The others were laughing at some raunchy joke Bucky made. "If you don't ease up the others are soon going to notice."
"I have the feeling I've been here before," Astrid replied softly to dark to make out the features of Shamira's face.
"You probably have." She shrugged her shoulders. Shoving another spoonful of food in her face. "We are heading to one of Red Skulls' bases."
"No, it's not that." Astrid shook her head. Digging her nails into her arms. Wanting this nervousness to just go away. It wouldn't. No matter how hard she tried to bury it. "This place... it just feels wrong. Like I shouldn't be here." She glanced towards the others. "Like any of us shouldn't be here."
Shamira gave her a frown and squeezed her shoulder. Astrid pulling her hand down. Interlacing their fingers together. The two of them soaked each other's presence. Enjoying the company of others. When it was time to finally settle down Falsworth took the first watch. But even wrapped up in Steve's arms she couldn't shake that uneasy feeling.
Extracting herself from his arms she stood up. Looking around the forest. Watching to see if she could spot what was bothering her so much. Such movement also woke Steve up. Standing up himself. Pulling her into his chest and rested his chin on her shoulder. Astrid letting out a soft sigh.
"What do you think is out there?" Steve whispered in her ear. Also peering out into the darkness.
"I don't know. That's what's bothering me," she answered. He hummed in response. "I feel like we walked into a graveyard." Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Falsworth head to sleep white Morita took over. Stifling a yawn.
Astrid untangled herself from Steve and walked over to him. Tapping him on the shoulder. "Head back to sleep. I'll take your shift."
"You sure?" he asked raising an eyebrow. "No offense Doc but you've been on edge for the last few days."
She nodded. "I'm not going to be sleeping tonight anyway."
"Whatever you say." He patted her on the shoulder. Heading back to sleep while Astrid took his spot. Steve soon joining her.
"You should get some sleep too," she said to him. "Can't have our commander falling asleep on us tomorrow.
"Can't have our doc staying up all night either," he responded.
"Relax Steve," Shamira said coming up to the two of them. "Head to sleep. I'll keep an eye on her." Steve glanced between the two of them and nodded. Knowing he wasn't going to win this fight he headed back to sleep for a while.
As Astrid was about to tell Shamira to head off as well. She raised her hand up.
"Don't okay. I know you. When something is bothering you this badly then something is definitely up."
Astrid caved. Not wanting to be alone either. It's not that her body didn't want to sleep. It was that it couldn't. Like it would be unsafe to do so. Even with everyone around.
"You don't seem to think I'm crazy," Astrid stated to Shamira. Shamira cocked her head at her.
"You were like this on every mission we went on," Shamira replied. "From the moment we got close till we performed the rescue. This is the worst I've seen you though."
Astrid felt a shiver go through her body. She didn't even want to consider that possibility. "You don't think…"
"Better question is if there is what are we going to do about it?"
Astrid pinched the bridge of her nose. Unlike last time they had no backup, no backroads, no plan. All their contacts were gone or dead. Phillips wouldn't allow it and even if he did those above him wouldn't. There was one option. "Red Skull might allow it…"
Shamira snorted. "That would mean that you would need a face-to-face audience with him and that you convinced him to agree while we are trying to take him down. And that doesn't exactly help in the here and now. But yeah, otherwise it would work brilliantly."
Astrid huffed. Running a hand through her hair. "If there are people here to rescue, I can't do nothing."
"Tomasz always said to pick our battles." That was true. It was one of his most repeated phrases. "I'm not sure this one is ours."
"Yeah, well he's dead." Astrid was blunt. She knew she was. But she couldn't stop the bad feeling running through her body.
Astrid felt Shamira wrap an arm around her shoulder. "Look all I'm saying is that the fastest way to free everyone might be winning the damn war. Even at full force, there was only so much we could do and it's gotten worse since then. The fact of the matter is that we can't save everyone and I know that kills you."
Astrid let out a scoff. "Is that really so wrong?"
Shamira gave her a small smile. "We have had this conversation so many times that you already know the answer for that."
As Astrid was about to retort rain started falling. Big drops hitting her head. "Is it raining?"
"In this season?"
"In this region?"
Both of them looked around at their surroundings. "This is a little bit of a valley isn't it?" Shamira asked. Worry picking up in her voice.
When Astrid nodded both of them scrambled. Getting the others up as quickly as possible. Steve woke up with a start. The other rising shortly afterwards.
"Are we being attacked?!" Jones asked readying his weapon.
"No," Shamira stated. "It's raining."
"Have you both gone insane?" Dugan asked glancing at Steve. Equally confused.
Astrid rolled her eyes. While they were definitely becoming a team that implicit trust hadn't come yet. "In this season, in the region rain means flash floods. Now currently we are nestled in a valley. If we don't get out of here in roughly an hour or so this entire area is going to flood. Can't stop Hydra if we all drown."
That got them all going though they had to abandon a majority of their supplies in order to even have a chance of escaping. Throwing caution to the wind. Following Shamira and Astrid as they ducked and weaved through the trees since they actually could see ahead of them. The night vision in the masks being extremely helpful.
As Astrid raced through the forest it felt like it grew more familiar. Like she had definitely been this way before but for the life of her, she couldn't remember. That feeling of dread also grew. Her entire body screaming at her to go the other way as they made their way upwards out of the valley. The rain was pelting. Biting into their skin. Causing a bitter chill to run through her body.
And she remembered.
"I think there's shelter over here," Bucky called out. Astrid turned in the direction of his voice. Her blood running cold. She knew why everything seemed familiar. Though the last time she was here it was the dead of winter. She remembered the cold. So unbelievably cold. Like she was made of ice.
It all came back flooding back to her. Images flashing her mind. Stopping her in her tracks. The camp, the corpses, and ditches. The long walk to the other camp. Which would end up being the final resting place for those not dead from the forced march. Another thing she was guilty of. Bile rising in her throat. Her heart about to explode in her chest. Unable to draw in air. She wondered how many bodies they walked over to get here.
Shamira basically had to drag her into the nearest building. Immediately recognizing it as the home of the Nazi Commandant who ran the camp. It could have been worse. They could have been in the actual barracks. It made her skin crawl that the building she was forced to live in was so close by. If she glanced out the window during the day she would have been able to see it. The barbed fence that outlined the compound. With the massive iron gate that locked them all in. The buildings, the gas chambers, the ovens.
"We need to leave," Astrid stated under her breath. Steve actually hearing her.
"Not with the rain, we'll have to bunker down here until it passes," he told her. Looking out the window. She wondered if he could see it.
"I'd rather take my chances out there. This place is evil"
"Ah, it's not so bad," Dugan stated. "Bit of a fixer-upper but I've seen worse."
Astrid shook her head backing into a corner. "No, you don't get it." How could they? Astrid could barely comprehend it and she lived it. "This was the house of the Nazi Commandant who ran the prison camp." Though it would be more accurate to say death camp. That was the reason they were all brought here after all.
"Prison camp?" Morita asked. Steve and Dugan looked immediately at her while Shamira moved to her side.
Astrid swallowed the lump in her throat. Forcing the words out of her mouth. "It's why I recognized this place. Though the last time I was here it was winter." She shivered. "This is the place I was held for several months before we were transferred to the other location."
Shamira let out a string of curses. Holding her hand over her mouth. She whipped around to face Steve. "We do have to get out of here."
"Not in this storm we can't," Bucky came in with Dernier who stepped outside to check things out. "You can't see your hand in front of your face out there." It still seemed like Steve was debating it glancing between Shamira and Bucky.
Glancing outside she knew Bucky was right. It would be stupid to head out now. She let out a shaky breath. "It's alright," Astrid stated breaking the tension. Trying to calm her quaking body. "I lived here for almost a year. I think I can handle one more night." Last thing she wanted was to risk anyone's life tonight. Going out in the rain in the dark was bound to lead to disaster. Despite every fiber of her being screaming at her. Begging her to run.
"I wouldn't describe your state as living," Shamira replied.
"Maybe but nothing we can do about it now. We might as well check this place out." Turned out that the place was quite sizeable. Two bedrooms a bath and a decently sized living room and kitchen. Deciding that it would be best if they stuck together tonight, they dragged the mattress into the living room and set up a makeshift sleeping area for all of them. Yet despite the nicer than usual sleeping conditions Astrid couldn't close her eyes. Every time she did it all came back to her. The sooner they were out of this place the better.
She was nestled between Shamira and Steve with Bucky on Shamira's other side. The others were scattered about. Seemed like no one was getting any sleep as the thunder roared and rain pelted the roof like bullets. Tension so thick that you could cut it with a knife.
"Why did they throw you in a prison camp?" Dugan asked. Might as well talk about something. Steve threw him a look but it was too dark to see his expression. Pulling Astrid even closer.
"I tried to assassinate Hitler," she stated causing most of her companions to sit up a look at her.
"What?" Dernier asked. She repeated it in French.
"Seriously?" Falsworth asked.
"Yep," Astrid answered. They were all looking at her. "I suppose you want to know how."
"Uh yeah, yeah we do," Jones answered.
"Sharp dinner knife. Stabbed him right through the neck." She mimed the movement with her hand. "Why do you think he wears all those high collar shirts? Trying to hide the scar I gave him."
"Okay, how did he survive?" Morita asked. "Because we've all seen you fight."
"I was only 16. Didn't really learn how to fight until later." They could only shake there heads in response. "My commander joing the party at the last moment is what saved his life." Things would have gone way differently if he hadn't.
"Bad luck then," Dugan added in.
"Yes." She scoffed. "Though he also saved my life." Everyone was rivited to her every word. Even Shamira. "Don't get me wrong the man is evil just..." She shrugged her shoulders. "He's a torturer with grand plans." The looks she was getting egged her on to continue. Even in the darkness she could tell. "Erhard Altmann is an absolute genius. Recruited me. Taught me everything I know. He is also one of the evilest men I have ever met in my entire life." The silence was palpable. No one wanting to interupt. "His entire goal in life is to create an elixir of immortality and the things he did trying to achieve that goal…" Astrid struggled for a moment. Flashing back to what he did. Being strapped down. Pain. Flowing from every pore. The absolute darkness. "There aren't any words."
"So, he brought you into this life," Steve replied softly.
"If he didn't, I would have killed myself when I was twelve. That I have no doubt about." Her breathing was picking up. Her body trembling. As it always did when she thought about him for more than a minute. "He has saved me in many ways many different times. And that day he saved me from the noose only to send me to a place worse than death."
"Here," Shamira replied.
"Here." There wasn't much left to say after that. The weather outside only enhancing the mood indoors. As Astrid closed her eyes she knew. No one would get any sleep tonight. Everyone jumping out of their skin at the clap of thunder.
Morita sat up. Looking around. "Okay, there goes any sleep I have planned for tonight." The others sat up as well. Including Astrid who leaned into Steve. Helping to ground her in the here and now. Otherwise, she would be paralyzed by the memories. Of the faces of all those that died here. The corpses they had to bury. And burn.
"So if this place was a prison camp why is abandoned now?" Jones asked.
Astrid felt her entire body stiffened. She knew exactly why. But to put it into words. Steve reacted as well. Wrapping his arms around her. Cradling her into his chest. Shamira nestled into her as well. Giving her a half hug.
"This place was too small to suit their needs. They moved us all to another location. And every one who would have returned to this place was killed."
"How?" Everyone leaned forward. Expecting an answer. Even Steve was curious.
All Astrid could do was close her eyes and shake her head. "I know we don't each other very well but I'm begging you. Do not ask me that. There are some questions you're better off not knowing the answers to." She let out a deep sigh. Opening her eyes back up. "So many have died here." She mumbled. "So much has been lost. It's unfathomable." Looking out the window. Out to the pitch-black rain. It reeked of death. She wondered if the others could feel it. If she took a moment to sense the others' feelings she would realize that they could. "But that's why we fight, isn't it? For those who can't."
"I'd drink to that," Dugan replied causing a chuckle to ripple through the group.
"I think we left that behind with most of the other supplies," Falsworth stated. The look Dugan gave him could have killed a man.
"We'll find a way to cope," Bucky stated. He was right about that. He looked directly at Astrid. "Would it be helpful if we said a few words?"
"Or anything else you need?" Dernier asked.
Astrid gave a small smile and shook her head. "Maybe someday I'll have the words. But not tonight." She rubbed her eyes. Going quiet. It took all her willpower and all her training to not curl up and break down. Taking a deep breath and focusing on her breathing. Willing for the rain to stop so they could make their escape.
It lasted through the night and into the day. Astrid burying herself into Steve so she didn't have to look out and see the fence line that haunted her dreams. Ignoring all sounds and conversation around her. Only repeating past surgeries in her head. Going over each cut.
Until she felt someone pick her up. Breaking her out of her mind. She opened her eyes and saw Steve. Looking at her concerned. Glancing around at the others she saw matching expressions. Though it was most deep on Steve and Shamira.
"Rain stopped?" She asked.
Steve nodded. "It's starting to let up.
"Then let's get the hell out of here!" They did. Running out of there despite the pouring rain. It was only after they had gotten several miles away that they slowed down. Coming close to their first Hydra base. Needing to be careful of patrols.
She let out a small smile. Reaching down for her blades. She couldn't wait. Astrid really was in the mood to burn something down.
Chapter Summary: Their first mission as the Howling Commandos and they are in Germany. Due to some bad weather, they have to hunker down in the house of a Nazi Commandant. The same man who ran the concentration camp Astrid was held, prisoner. Bad memories flashing through her mind. She eventually talks about her former commander. The man who recruited her into the torture program Erhard Altmann. His goal in life to create an elixir of immortality. Eventually, the weather lets up and they start making their way back to the Hydra base.