Chapter 40
Katara requested that Zuko give her the night to say her goodbyes to Wu Li and pack her things. He arranged for an ostrich-horse drawn carriage to pick her up first thing in the morning and they parted ways. Katara had finally made it home after talking with Wu Li about the change in plans. The old woman looked sincerely pleased that Katara was going back to the palace and the water bender was quick to assure her she would continue her work at the hospital, just like before.
Katara went to the small bedroom she had been staying in and began slowly packing her belongings. By the time her fingers brushed scroll instead of cloth, she paused and took a deep breath, steeling herself. She pulled out the nine scrolls and sat on the bed, arranging them in order. She fiddled with the waxen seal, procrastinating the inevitable and finally, she opened the first scroll and read.
...
Katara,
This is all just a misunderstanding. I need to talk to you, it's important. Please, come back to me.
Zuko (1)
...
Please Katara,
I'm so sorry. I never wanted you to leave. I didn't know Mai was going to come back. This is going to sound bad, but I actually had completely forgotten about Mai. I need to talk to you. Please? I think I love you.
Zuko (2)
...
Katara,
I never knew how much I needed you until it was too late. I never realized how much I loved you until you were gone. The nightmares are back and they're worse than before. I think I know that you used to keep them at bay when you slept next to me. Mai stopped staying the night because I tossed, turned, and shouted too much in my sleep. The paperwork has gotten overwhelming and I'm not sure if I'm always making the right choices. I need you, please, come back to the Fire Nation.
Zuko (3)
...
I haven't heard from you yet. I'm hoping it's because your response got delayed, but I'm sure it's because you don't want to write back to me. I'm sorry I ruined everything, like I always do. If not for me and my sister, you wouldn't have been captured and tortured. I couldn't protect you, not from Cain, not from Azula, from being beaten, drowned, and stabbed. Then when you trusted me, when everything was finally going right for the first time in a long time, Mai came back into my life and once again, I messed everything up. I understand why you wouldn't forgive me, but I'm so sorry and I miss you terribly.
Zuko (4)
...
I asked Mai to go. She said I'd changed too much, that I wasn't the same person anymore. I don't feel like myself, not since everything that happened. I still flinch when someone reaches out to touch me, sometimes I freeze when I'm sparring because sometimes the fire takes me back, back to the cave. I never get a full night's sleep because of the nightmares. I'm haunted by the things that happened to us and sometimes I wonder what other horrors you may have faced that I never knew about. Cain used to say How could I be the same after that? You understand what I've been through, you were always there for me when I needed you. I loved you so much… And then I messed everything up. I ruined us what we could have been, and I am so sorry.
Zuko (5)
...
The nightmares just keep getting worse. Before… when you were here, you kept them at bay or at the very least when I woke up, I saw you sleeping in my arms and I knew everything was going to be okay. Now when I see… things in my nightmares, I don't have that reassurance anymore. I don't know if you're okay or not and that bothers me. I know you probably think your well-being is none of my concern, not anymore, but I still love you Katara. I just want to know that you are okay and happy in the South Pole with your family. Maybe knowing that would help with the nightmares.
Zuko (6)
...
I visited Azula today. She was moved from the prison tower to a maximum-security mental hospital a while ago. She's in a straight jacket now and she either doesn't talk or says… terrible things. I know she's not mentally stable, but I can't help but worry. I know my soldiers didn't catch all of her Dai Lee agents and Azula inspires terrifying loyalty. I'm worried what might happen, especially since I haven't heard from you since you left. I know you can take care of yourself, but the nightmares make me, as Uncle would say, paranoid. After all, we both know she's escaped prison before. I just wish I knew you were safe and happy.
Zuko (7)
...
There's a summit meeting of the Water Tribes at the North Pole. Are you going to be there? I know Aang is going and diplomats from the Fire Nation and Earth Kingdom are welcome. I wish I could go, but I have so many duties here. I can't even remember the last time I left the palace. It seems like I'm either in my office, in meetings or trying to talk to Azula in the mental hospital. She's made some progress, but I know she has a long way to go.
I still have nightmares… I thought they would dull with time, but they haven't. I had a particularly vivid one and even Uncle couldn't help me find peace that night. I miss you. And I miss Aang, Sokka, Toph, and Suki. I miss the adventures we used to go on and the things we used to do and see. Sokka has been bothering me to go on a trip with him, but I haven't been able to find the time, or even really the motivation with how much needs to be done.
I just hope you're doing better than I am.
Zuko (8)
...
I know I should probably stop writing to you; it's obvious you don't care what my letters say. I just can't seem to bring myself to stop though. It's like this is my last connection with you. This way I can pretend that you care enough to know what's going on in my life and I can tell you all the things I wish I could say to your face.
The other day when I was visiting Azula she mentioned our mother. She said Father told her she was still out there. Azula always lies… but this time, I believe her. I went to confront my Father in the prison tower and that bastard wouldn't tell me anything useful. I know there's something going on and I wish you were here to help. You were always good at this kind of thing.
The nightmares still haven't stopped, and I've been having a hard time focusing on treaties and meetings while my mother is out there somewhere. I just- I don't know what to do. I still miss you. I still love you, even if I shouldn't.
Zuko (9)
...
Katara sat on her bed for a long time, quiet tears rolling down her cheeks as she read scroll after scroll, till she reached the end. Now she understood his hurt and betrayal when she told him she hadn't read the letters. Zuko had poured his soul into those letters; had confided very personal and important things in her and she had ignored them. She had wasted so much time! She had hurt the man who had only wanted so badly to protect her… because he loved her. And she loved him. She didn't even have to think about it, because deep down, she had known. She had known she loved the rough, fierce, fiery man that he was and the soft sides he saved just for her or his Uncle. She had missed him so badly when she left that it had ached… if only she had read the letters.
Tired of her pity party, Katara carefully gathered the letters and stored them with great care and finished packing the last of her belongings. She was exhausted. It had been a long and emotional day and as soon as she settled on the bed, she fell into a blessedly dreamless sleep for the first time in a long time.
Sarahplainntall here! HURRAY! You FINALLY got to read the letters! What did you think? They were surprisingly hard to write, so a great BIG shoutout to Beautiful Evil and Youdabest/Yousocool; thank you, you are absolutely fabulous, and I value your ideas and support. Basically, I love you, lol. Wow, I thought I was going to wrap this up, but it looks like there's still a bit more to come.